


You Don't Remember Me

by FormulaFerrari



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Explicit Language, F/M, M/M, Smoking, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-18
Updated: 2015-05-24
Packaged: 2018-01-09 02:53:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 185,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1140595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FormulaFerrari/pseuds/FormulaFerrari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In Brazil, 2013, Fernando crashes out of the race due to a wet patch on the track. He's knocked unconscious for about five minutes due to contact against his helmet. No one will tell Mark anything, so what happens when suddenly everything is different?</p><p>And why are all the things that were once blue suddenly red?</p><p>*Set during/after Brazil 2013*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'm Coming, Fernando. I'm Coming.

**Author's Note:**

> This work is inspired by the book "What Alice Forgot" by Liane Moriarty. I do not own the books or any of its rights, I have merely been inspired by the storyline. The events in this work are obviously false and never happened as we all know Fernando finished third in Brazil with Mark and Seb. Other characters are due to come into this, so I will add them as it becomes appropriate.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why are all the things that were once blue suddenly red?

Ow. 

That’s all Fernando can think. 

That really fucking hurt.

He doesn’t want to open his eyes. He just wants to slump back in his seat and fall asleep. Sleep is calling to him, and right now that feels like a very good idea. So he keeps his eyes closed. The smell of burnt rubber and smoke pours into his helmet. 

Well, that cannot be good. 

The repulsion of opening his eyes is too much. He doesn’t want to do it. He is comfortable here. At the idea of moving, his muscles tense in protest. No way. He isn’t going anywhere. His race had been going well. Going so well. And he had slowed for the yellows. He just didn’t see it coming. He wasn’t ready to see the tyre in the middle of the racetrack. He had closed his eyes on impact, not wanting to see the spinning landscape as he made harsh impact into the wall. The side of his head throbs, which doesn’t make sense. He has a helmet on. Isn’t that the reason for wearing one? He raises his hand to the throbbing point on his head and his fingers hit the helmet. 

Not clever. Big mistake. 

He pulls at the swinging plastic and feels where the visor connection had broken off. If he wants to, he could pull the pointless thing from his face. But the plastic is holding off that smell that is trying to bore into him. He pushes his fingers through the small hole in his helmet where the visor pin usually sits and takes a deep breath, waiting to feel the sticky substance of blood. 

Nothing…

Nothing at all. 

As far as he is aware there is no blood. Not even a scratch. He would have to thank Flavio… Or whoever made his helmet. Unbelievable. He opens his eyes tentatively, looking up towards his fingers. Nothing. There is no extra red stain on his red gloves. A small smile pulls at his lips. How had he managed to bust his helmet but not come away with an injury? A breathy laugh escapes his lips as he pushes his fingers back into the gap in his helmet. He adds a little pressure this time which makes his head throb and nausea crawl up his throat. Once more he checks his fingers. Nothing. No blood wound. And he-

-Wait… Red gloves? 

Fernando turns his hand over so he is looking at the back of it and takes in the red material that surrounded his fingers. He takes in the white lines, the funny logos, the snug fit. But it doesn’t fit because he doesn’t drive for a red team. His left hand fingers drag over the back of his right hand he is examining, tracing out the yellow shield and the black prancing horse. Ferrari. Of course the logo belongs to Ferrari. He would know the logo anywhere. But it doesn’t make sense because he drives for Renault… 

But you are wearing Ferrari gloves…

Fernando closes his eyes again, letting his head rest back on the seat behind him. Great. Not only had he retired from the race but now he was also seeing things in vivid and scary detail. He isn’t wearing red gloves. He doesn’t own red gloves. He wears dark blue gloves that match his race suit. And they have the Alpine Star logo on them. And that is right because the car is also blue. Everything is blue. Nothing is red. He breathes out. 

“Please, Fernando… If you can hear me just buzz the radio.” A desperate and panicked voice asks him. He doesn’t recognise the voice. He doesn’t like that; it isn’t comforting. The mystery man sounds Italian. That fact only makes him think of Ferrari. 

No, you are not in a Ferrari! How on earth could you suddenly being in a Ferrari? 

He puts the strange man’s voice down to being one of the other personal in Renault. Maybe everyone he knows is busy trying to find out if he is OK. That’s why the weird Italian man is talking to him. Everyone is trying to get to him and get him out. Fernando squints his eyes open and looks down at the steering wheel. He can’t work out why there are so many buttons to choose from. Was there always this many buttons? He drags a red material-covered finger over them all, trying to work out what they are for. The red material of the gloves is unsettling him and he begins to panic, just wanting to find the stupid fucking button. One simple little button to calm everyone down and he can’t fucking find it. What is the point? Why is he being asked to do this? It is infuriating to the point where he starts to just press everything and hope something works. It’s got to be one of these fucking buttons…He grits his teeth as the relief of buzzing still evades his ears… 

\---From the Ferrari pit wall, Andrea is watching the close up of his driver’s wrecked car closely, his hand gripping his chin tightly with the other hand poised on the radio button. His frown deepens slightly when the DRS flap opens on the back of the car but suddenly lifts as he realises Fernando is operating the car from the cockpit. He is well enough to open the DRS flap. Just as Andrea is about to call him back there is a hopeful buzz in his ears signalling Fernando has heard him and radioed back. Andrea sighs in relief.---

“Alright, Fernando. Just stay calm. The medics are on they’re way. Do not try and get out of the car. Just stay there. Help is coming.” The Italian’s voice sounds in his ear again. Fernando isn’t listening though. He is frowning at the prancing horse on his steering wheel. That definitely wasn’t there before. Fernando tries to sit up but his leg is stuck. Left, luckily. He looks down at his leg only to find more red material covering him. This isn’t fun anymore. Fernando is scared and confused. He just wants to get out and find someone he knows, get them to explain why he is now wearing red when a few minutes ago he was wearing blue. He looks up to see the front of the car embedded in the tyre barrier.

The red nose of the car…

Fernando panics. He unclips the steering wheel from in front of him and pulls it from the car. His hands fumble on the seatbelt as he frees himself from the wreckage. He wants out. He wants out of this weird situation. He disconnects the wire attaching him to the car’s radio and pushes up on the side of the cogpit to get himself out. 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

He moans in pain as he pulls his leg free, praying for as little damage as possible. Just a bruise. That would be nice. He wants to find Flavio. He wants to ask what’s going on, why he has been dressed in red. This isn’t funny anymore. He can’t see a joke or funny side. Someone catches his arm as he stumbles out of the cogpit, limping himself over to the wall next to the tyre barrier and sliding down it, breathing hard. His eyes are wide with fear as he looks up at the two paramedics who have surrounded him. 

\---Fernando’s exit from the stricken Ferrari is shown all over the large screens that surround the circuit. Everyone is shocked, some covering their mouths, others gasping. Almost a spot on replication of Fernando’s exit from a broken car in 2003. The worst sight is his broken helmet. The visor can clearly be seen swinging slightly, no longer attached on the right hand side. Some people look away, others try and see if there is any blood.---

Someone is tugging on his helmet. He doesn’t want them to take it off, but they obviously need to check him. He helps and undoes the catch under his chin. The helmet slides off easily and Fernando looks to the two paramedics for an explanation. They don’t give it. They move closer to him and examine the right-hand side of his head. One of them sits back on their knees, holding his shoulder securely. Fernando blinks stupidly as green eyes stare into his. 

“I need you to answer some questions while we wait for the ambulance, that OK?” the man with the green eyes and a thick Brazilian accent asks. Fernando tries to look at his associate but his head is held in place. He looks back at the green-eyed man and nods slightly. “Ok. So your helmet it broken but there is no visual damage. Does your head hurt?” The man asks. 

“A little… Throbs.” Fernando mutters pointing to the throbbing spot on his forehead. The other man holding his head in place lays a gentle finger on it. “Yes, there.” Fernando says as his head throbs violently. The man with the green-eyes sways slightly in his blurry vision. 

“Do you feel dizzy?”

“A little.”

“Sick?”

“A little.”

“How’s your vision?”

“Slightly fuzzy…” Fernando sighs, wanting to close his eyes and lay back. The green-eyed man shakes his shoulder violently. 

“I’m going to need you to keep talking to me.” He asks. Fernando waits for further instructions. “I’m Oliver. Can you tell me your name?” Fernando looks at him as if he is mad. Surely he should know who he is, no? He may not be up with the likes of Schumacher but he would hope people at least know his name.

“Fernando.” Fernando says, forcing his eyes to stay open. Oliver sways again in his vision. The hand on Fernando’s shoulder grips tighter. 

“Full name?”

“Fernando Alonso-Díaz.” There is a pause and Fernando notes that the second man has stopped examining his head and is now writing down what he says.

“What did you have for breakfast?” Oliver asks. Fernando frowns at him.

“What?”

“For breakfast? What did you eat?”

“Why do you want to know?”

“Standard question to ask for people with head injuries.” Oliver shrugs. “So what did you have?”

“I skipped breakfast.” Fernando lies. As Oliver’s college writes down what Fernando has said it dawns on the Spaniard that he actually can’t remember what he had for breakfast… Not this morning… Or yesterday… To be honest, he can’t remember what he did yesterday. He only knows he took part in qualifying yesterday because today is a race… Is it a race? He suddenly isn’t so sure. 

“What day is it?” Oliver asks, watching Fernando’s frown closely. Fernando open and closes his mouth a few times before turning back to Oliver. 

“Sunday?”

“You are not sure?”

“Sunday.” Fernando says again, making sure his voice sounds confident. Oliver and his college share a look before the information is written down. 

“Do you know where you are?”

“A racetrack.” Oliver supresses a sigh. 

“Which one?” Fernando looks around briefly, trying to find a telltale sign. He remembers seeing the yellow flag and then hitting the tyre, but he was sure the car was blue when he hit the tyre. Taking a quick glance to the car he climbed out of, now being lifted from the tyre wall, it is confirmed that the car is red. And a Ferrari. 

A red Ferrari. 

He looks to Oliver for some kind of help, his throat feeling dry and everything violently swaying. He can’t seem to focus on anything. He sees flashing yellow lights in the background and chooses to focus on that, trying to gain his thoughts and concentration. He watches the safety car pass leading two identical cars that Fernando doesn’t recognise. They are blue with red bulls on the back. He has never seen them before in his life. That thought panics him. As he watches the twenty cars pass he can’t pull out either of the green Jaguars either. He is searching fruitlessly for Mark’s car but he can’t see it… Wait, was it not Mark’s car that brought out the yellow flags in the first place? Fernando shakes his head slightly as the final green car – that he checks is definitely not a Jaguar – passes him.

“Fernando?” Oliver asks again. Fernando looks up to him, panic clear in his eyes. “What racetrack are we at?” And Fernando knows he can’t remember. He doesn’t have a clue. Fragmented. Everything in his head is fragmented. He was running third, no? That was the position he was running before he crashed. And Flavio had just warned him about the yellow flags coming up. And then everything goes dark in his head and he can’t remember. 

“I…” Fernando tries, but it’s not worth it. Nothing comes to mind. He can feel a tear rising in his eye.

“Alright. Just stay calm. Take some nice deep breaths for me.” Oliver says, rubbing his shoulder softly. Oliver nods to his college and the second man rushes towards the approaching ambulance, leaving the notepad with Oliver. Fernando breathes deeply, trying to remain calm. Why can’t he remember what track he is on? Why is that information not clear in his head? He tries to call the circuit to mind but nothing is working. He slams his eyes shut in a desperate attempt to work out where the fuck he is. It’s unnerving and disorientating and Fernando doesn’t like it. Not one tiny little bit. He tries to remember everything that has happened today. His head focuses on the strange steering wheel he had to fight with and the comfortable feel but foreign apparel of the car. That’s when he remembers it. The circuit diagram on the right-hand side of the cogpit. And he can recognise it. And it matches Oliver’s accent. Fernando throws open his eyes. 

“Am in Brazil. Is Brazil. We are in Brazil. Sao Paulo circuit in Brazil.” Fernando says desperately. Oliver gives him a small look of relief. 

“You can remember now?” Oliver asks. Fernando knows he has cheated to remember, technically. He only remembers because he saw the diagram in the cogpit. He nods anyway. 

“Am in Brazil.” Fernando mutters. Oliver’s relieved face turns back into a frown as he poises himself to write in the pad. 

“How old are you?” he asks. Fernando blinks a few times. 

“Sorry?”

“How old are you? How many years have you been alive?” Oliver repeats slowly. 

“Twenty-one.” Fernando says, in a confused voice. What does his age have to do with anything? Oliver’s eyes widen and it unsettles Fernando. “Am twenty-one.” He says again in a quieter voice. Oliver writes it down.

“What year were you born?”

“Nineteen eighty-one.”

“And what year is it now?” There is a small pause. Oliver’s pen scratches against the white paper. 

“Sorry?”

“What year? What year are we currently in?”

“You cannot work this out from my age? Surely you should know.” Fernando would have laughed if the situation appeared to be funny. It most definitely is not funny. 

“I need you to tell me.” Fernando sighs before answering the question with little thought.

“Two-thousand and three.”

“Right.” Oliver says with extremely wide eyes as the ambulance pulls up a small distance from them. Oliver scribbles something else before closing the pad and putting it in his pocket. Fernando watches a couple more men climb out of the back and extract a stretcher. He really doesn’t think a stretcher is necessary; he feels OK. 

“Can walk.” Fernando says to Oliver, pushing himself from the floor. Fernando had forgotten that his left leg hurt a little and staggered forwards into Oliver as he stood. 

“How about we take the stretcher, yeah?” Oliver says in a tone you would use to persuade a two-year-old. Fernando frowns at him slightly, but he lets himself be moved onto the stretcher and laid down. Just as the two men begin to move him towards the ambulance, Fernando grabs Oliver’s arm to stop them Oliver looks down at him worriedly. “What? What is it?”

“Get Flavio. Please. Get Flavio and get him to meet us at the hospital…” Fernando pauses as the three paramedics exchange a look of concern. They start to move him forwards, towards the ambulance, as Oliver nods and hangs back. 

“Alright, Fernando. I’ll get Flavio and bring him to the hospital.” Oliver says as they lift him in the back of the van. Both of the men whose names Fernando doesn’t know click him into place as Oliver begins to shut the doors. A Moped arrives behind Oliver to take him to the pit lane. 

“And Raquel!” Fernando calls as the second door is shut. Oliver waits until the ambulance is clearly off the track before he moves back over to the spot where he had questioned Fernando and picks up his broken helmet. He then moves back to the Moped and climbs on the back, holding on tight as he is driven to the pit lane.

Fernando watches the guy on his right begin to place something in the back of his hand. It hurts when the needle pierces his skin but he just winches a little. They remove his race suit, leaving him in his fireproof underwear, and one of them examines his left leg whilst the other – the man who had originally arrived with Oliver – removes something from around his neck and places it in a small, transparent, plastic box.

“Do you have anything else on?” The man asks, indicating to the chain that he has put in the box. Fernando frowns at it. Since when did he wear a gold chain when he raced?

“Not that am aware of…” Fernando mutters, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. The man places a lid on the box and sets in on the side. 

“I’m Dr. Caio Lymiss, Fernando, I’m going to make sure you’re OK. Can you tell me how you are feeling?” the man asks. Fernando just shakes his head. 

“Sick.”

“Ok. Don’t worry, that’s expected. I expect you have some concussion.” He said, sitting Fernando up. The little colour that was in Fernando’s face drains away. “If you feel like you’re going to be sick just say.” Caio says. Fernando looks down at his leg.

“What have I done…?” Fernando asks, nodding towards his leg. 

“Nothing too serious, probably just some bruising on impact. We’ll give you a proper check when we get to the hospital.” Caio smiles. Fernando rests his head back and closes his eyes. “Do you feel tired?”

“Not anymore… Just…” Fernando swallows again and Caio gets what he means. He’s relieved he doesn’t feel tired. That, at least, is a good thing. Before anyone can do or say anything else, Fernando sits forwards sharply and Caio gives him a bucket to vomit in. 

\- - -

Race is over. Good. I don’t give a shit about what the media want from me. I don’t give a shit this was my last race. I don’t give a shit. I’m not staying here. I have to go and find him. I have to… 

“Christian, get the fuck off my arm.” Mark growls as he walks away from the press box. He’s not going back. He’s got to get to the hospital. 

“Mark, you have to. It’s in your contact.”

“My contact expired today.”

“Not until you’ve done this.” Christian puts enough pressure on his arm to stop him walking. Mark turns on him.

“I’m not staying. Fuck. Off.” Mark spits as he turns away again. 

“He just had a crash, Mark. If you don’t do this people will wonder why not. Ten minutes, that’s all I’m asking for, then I’m out of your hair for good.” Christian is begging and Mark feels torn. Anything could happen in ten minutes. Or nothing. He fiddles absent-mindedly with the ring on the chain around his neck. 

“Ten minutes?”

“That’s all, I promise.” Christian sighs, the relief too clear in his voice. Mark obviously rolls his eyes before pulling himself from Christian’s grip and gesturing for his team principle to lead the way. Once Christian has turned his back, Mark places a quick kiss on his wedding ring before shoving it back down the front of his shirt. 

I’m coming, Fernando. I’m coming.

\- - -

But now Mark is very pissed off and nothing Christian can say will make him turn around. He has done his ten minutes, or, most of them. Christian happily forgot to tell Mark that Fernando’s helmet had been damaged. Only, when Mark is in the middle of an interview, does he see Andrea walking towards the Ferrari garage with it tucked under his arm, the visor swinging precariously off of it’s one pin. And Mark looses his train of thought. Because he only has one thought. 

If that’s the damage on the fucking helmet what the fuck is the damage on him.

Horrible reminiscent visions of Felipe in 2009 fill his head at the sight of the helmet. And all of the pain and therapy and hassle Felipe had to go through after it. And Mark can’t deal with it all at once. He hurriedly finishes his interview but he knows the interviewer senses a change in him. He doesn’t give her chance to ask why before he is sprinting from the press box towards Andrea. 

“ANDREA!” Mark yells, causing the Italian to stop and turn. Mark grinds to a halt beside him, panting. “How… How did that… Ha…” Mark breaths, bending over and holding his knees. 

“I do not know.” Andrea sighs. Mark looks up at him insanely. 

“You don’t…?”

“No. He crashed. Was unconscious for about five minutes and then got out the car. I do not know how this…” Andrea holds up the helmet and the visor clatters noisily to the ground. Mark looks down at it before he looks back to Andrea. 

“I need to get there. To the hospital… Now.” Mark says and Andrea nods. 

“Go and get changed. I need to take this to Stefano and then I will drive you. Wait by my car.” Andrea says, retrieving the visor from the floor and rushing towards the Ferrari motor home. Mark dives into the Red Bull one, pulling off his race suit as he climbs the stairs. He throws everything in a messy pile before changing into jeans, a plain, grey, round-neck shirt, trainers and a dark blue hoodie (pushing all of his Red Bull clothes into his bag) and leaving the room. He runs down the stairs, swinging the bag on his shoulder and pulling the chain from his neck. Andrea is already at the car when Mark gets there. They both climb in quickly and Andrea pulls off, ignoring the press and other people trying to get to Mark and him. Once they are out of the racetrack and heading to the nearby hospital, Mark takes his ring off his chain and slides it onto his finger, instantly feeling a little bit better. Andrea glances at him as he does so, pushing his foot closer to the floor. 

“Don’t do that.” Mark comments, eyeing Andrea’s foot. Andrea lifts off slightly, looking to Mark.

“I just-”

“-I want to get there to see him not join him.” Mark sighs, sinking down in the chair and running his hands across his face. Andrea sighs as he stops at a red light, drumming his fingers impatiently on the steering wheel. Mark glares at them, before looking up to Andrea. Luckily, the Italian stops just before Mark asks him to. “Can you tell me what happened, please?” Mark asks quietly. Andrea’s face pulls into a pain expression. 

“He crashed and-”

“-No, Andrea. I don’t want the tamed version; Christian already delivered that one to me. I want to know exactly  what happened.” Mark interrupts. Andrea sighs again. 

“He was on an out lap with cold tyres. There was a patch that had held the light patter of rain that fell. He forgot about it, did not miss it. He spun the car and it…” Andrea’s voice fails. Mark looks over at him, feeling he doesn’t need to hear the rest, even though he wants to. Andrea steadies his breathing. “He broke. Like anyone would. I… I think he must have turned the wheel, tried to straighten it up. I do not know what happened but then the car was embedded in the tyres. Maybe he thought he could get it back on track and stopped braking… I just do not know…” Andrea sighs. Mark is holding onto his every word. “And then… I tried to call him on the radio… But he would not… I could not… And I…”

“Alright, Andrea… It’s all right. He’s in safe hands now. There was nothing you could have done.” Mark says, patting the Italian’s shoulder. 

“I do not know how his helmet broke. But there was no blood. I do not know if this is good or bad.”

“Good. It’s always good until you’re told otherwise.” Mark says, sinking back into his chair. 

“We will inspect the car, find out what caught his helmet. Maybe he hit the tyres-” Andrea stops himself mid-sentence, unable to bear the thought. Mark swallows. 

“He’ll be fine.” Mark says firmly, as much to himself as Andrea. Because Fernando has to be fine. Mark can’t do it without him. No, he isn’t thinking like that. He is being positive. Fernando is fine. Fernando is fine. Fernando is fine. Mark continues to chant to himself in his head as Andrea continues down the road to the hospital. Only when they pull up outside does Mark sit up. Andrea has barely stopped the car when Mark climbs out of it, rushing towards the hospital doors. He bursts through into a sea of clinical white and heads straight to the middle-aged woman behind the desk. She is on the phone. Of course she is on the phone. Mark rests both hands on the table and looks at her, drumming them slightly. She lifts a solitary index finger to him and turns away slightly. Mark’s jaw locks. He starts to look around, hoping to see someone else who could point him in the right direction. No one. Of course there is no one. Just at the time you need a nurse or something to walk down the hall-

“-Good afternoon, Sir, how can I help you?” The middle-aged woman smiles at him pleasantly. Mark takes a deep breath. 

“I’m looking for someone, a patient, recently brought in?” Mark asks. The woman consults her computer. 

“Patient’s name?”

“Fernando, Fernando Alonso.” Mark sighs. The woman stops typing. 

“I’m afraid this patient is under private care. You cannot go through. I am sorry, Sir.” The woman looks down at her hands. Mark’s eyes flash in anger. 

“No one except family?” Mark seethes. The woman frowns up at him.

“This is correct.” Mark slams his left hand on the desk showing the woman the ring on his ring finger. 

“I’m his fucking husband.” Mark growls quietly. The woman looks up at him shocked. 

“I’m sorry, I just…” The woman starts calling someone on the phone. Mark’s frown deepens. 

“What are you doing?”

“I need confirmation.” The woman replies in a breathy voice. Mark’s fists clench. 

“I need to go and find my partner so if you are going to get in my way I will find him myself.” Mark spits, moving away from the desk.

“Wait, please!” The woman calls after him. Mark forces himself to take a deep breath before turning back to her. “I have his doctor here. Let me just…” Mark watches as the woman turns her back to him and begins rapidly speaking in Portuguese. He resumes his impatient drumming and Andrea appears behind him.

“What’s going on?” Andrea asks, slightly breathlessly.

“I have to wait to be confirmed.” Mark shoots in a humourless tone. 

“Confirmed?”

“Basically they won’t let me up because there’s no proof of who I am, that I fucking married him.” Mark runs a hand over his face as he watches the woman behind the desk. Andrea steps forward to say something to her but she places the phone down softly and turns to Mark. 

“Room 314. Up on the third floor. It’s a single room off the waiting area.” She says softly. Mark exhales and drops his head. He looks up to her with sorry-filled and relieved eyes. 

“Thank you.” He breathes. She nods and gives him a small smile. 

“I can get someone to take you up.”

“No, thanks. That won’t be necessary.” Mark sighs, straightening up. 

“He is in Dr. Lymiss’ care. Room 314.” She smiles again. Mark nods at her and then Andrea before heading towards the lifts. Andrea follows him.

“Excuse me, Sir! Where are you going?” The woman asks Andrea as he sets off to follow Mark. 

“He’s coming with me.” Mark says confidently, just off of Andrea’s shoulder. The woman looks as if she is ready to argue, but taking a look at Mark’s face she sits herself down and goes back to typing on her computer. Mark catches Andrea’s shoulder, making the Italian look at him. “Come on…”

The lift journey is slow and quiet. Mark wants to scream and shout or at least make some kind of noise. The tranquil makes him feel a sense of “the calm before the storm”. He doesn’t want a storm. He just wants Fernando to be OK again and laughing and everything be back how it was. Andrea watches Mark nervously as the lift doors open onto floor three and they step out. There is another desk up on this floor with a couple of nurses stationed behind it. Mark crosses straight over to them. He opens his mouth to speak but the blonde nurse beats him to it.

“You are Mr Alonso’s partner?” She smiles. Mark nods. She slides a visitors badge over the counter for him and he takes it, pinning it to his shirt. “I will get Dr. Lymiss for you. If you would like to take a seat?” The nurse gestures to the seats in the middle of the waiting room which has the patient’s rooms leaning off it. Mark looks at the doors longingly, knowing Fernando is lying behind one of them. He turns back to the nurse.

“Can’t I go and see-?”

“-Dr. Lymiss told us to let him come to you before you went through… He needs to explain something.” The nurse sighs. Mark picks up on the sadness in her voice and panic shoots through his body. He looks to Andrea before realising and turning back to the nurse. 

“He needs a badge too.” Mark says, pointing to Andrea. Without a question, the blonde nurse pulls another visitor badge from under the desk and hands it to Andrea. She then sends another one of the nurses to fetch Dr. Lymiss before turning back to Mark. 

“How long have you been married?” She asks sweetly. Mark blushes a little. 

“Err… Just over two years.” Mark says, fingers brushing over his ring. The smile drops from the nurse’s face as she hastily picks up some paperwork. Mark frowns at her. “What?”

“No… Nothing… It’s not my place… Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked…” She mutters, moving away to file the documents in her hand. Before Mark can ask anymore, Andrea touches his shoulder and he turns to become face to face with two men, one in a sky blue uniform and the other in dull red with a lab coat on. Mark swallows. 

“You are Mr Alonso’s partner, yes?” The man in the lab coat asks, extending his hand. Mark nods. “I’m Dr. Caio Lymiss, your husband is in my care.” Mark nods again and shakes his hand. “This is Oliver Standee, he is my resident. He was there with me at the race track.”

“You were the first to Fernando?” Mark asks, suddenly feeling light-headed. Caio nods, pushing his hand in his pocket. 

“Yes. Oliver and myself escorted Mr Alonso-”

“-Please don’t call him that.” Mark interrupts. Caio blinks at him, unsurprised. 

“My apologise, Mr…?”

“Sorry, Webber. I’m Mark Webber. Just call me Mark.” Mark says, shaking Oliver’s hand. He gestures to Andrea. “And this is Andrea Stella. He is Fernando’s race engineer.” Andrea shakes hands with both Caio and Oliver.

“You gave me Fernando’s helmet.” Andrea says to Oliver. The resident nods. 

“As I was saying,” Caio starts, pulling Mark back to the matter at hand. “Oliver and myself brought Fernando to the hospital from the race track. We have given him a CT scan as he mentioned a throbbing pain in his head. We are waiting for those results. He is conscious and alert, no signs of any major damage thus far, but we are, of course, waiting on the results of his CT. We will take it from there.” Caio concludes. Mark feels a wave of relief crash over him. 

“So I can go and see him?” Mark asks, taking a step forwards. Caio catches his shoulder and stops him moving. 

“Why don’t you sit down a second?” Caio says softly, ushering Mark towards his office. Andrea and Oliver follow. Mark swallows nervously. 

“Why?” Mark asks, sitting down in front of Caio’s desk. Caio perches on the edge of the mahogany surface. Oliver pushes the door almost closed once everyone is inside.

“There was some impact to Fernando’s helmet, causing in the fracturing of the visor pin. As far as we are aware, this sent a shock wave through the helmet and has left your partner with a small bump on his forehead. We are assuming that this was the point of impact with something to the helmet.”

“Right.” Mark says with a small nod, trying to find the relevance. Caio sighs, scratching the back of his neck. “So…?”

“Mr Webber-”

“-Please call me Mark.”

“Sorry, Mark.” Caio sighs before looking up at Mark. “As is standard for suspected head injuries, we asked your partner some question to try and identify his mental state.” Mark frowns at Caio, trying to work out where this is going. “I think it is easier for me to explain if you know what he said…” Caio gestures to Oliver who pulls out a small pad.

“Question: full name,” Oliver starts to read. Mark turns to face him. “Patient answer: Fernando Alonso-Díaz.” There is a pause in which Mark’s mouth goes dry… That’s wrong. “Question: what did you have for breakfast?” Oliver continues. Mark frowns and finds himself leaning forwards slightly. “Patient answer: I skipped breakfast.” Also wrong. “Question: what day is it? Patient answer: Sunday – patient sounds unsure about this” Mark swallows again, trying to bring some moisture into his mouth. He doesn’t understand what is happening. “Question: do you know where you are? Patient answer: A racetrack.” Mark can’t help but smirk a little at the very Fernando-esque answer. It made him feel a bit better that Fernando was at least still like his old self. 

Not old self, he’s fine. Normal self. Like his normal self.

“Question: which one?” Oliver continues. There is a short pause where Oliver looks to Caio. Caio nods and Oliver reads out the next statement. He swallows. “The patient seems a little distressed by this question and looks around hopelessly. The question is asked to the patient again and the patient cannot answer. The resident calms the patient, who, after closing their eyes and concentrating, brings up the answer of Brazil, Sao Paulo.”

“So he did know?” Mark says in a weak voice to Caio. 

“Tell me, if you don’t mind, how many of those first four questions were correct?” Caio asks. Mark swallows.

“Two.” Mark mutters, trying to prevent himself from hyperventilating. “But he’s probably just in shock, these things happen to people with head injuries, right?”

“Which two were right? The two he was unsure of? They could have been lucky guesses?” Caio pushes. Mark sends him a dark look before sitting back in his chair and running his hands through his hair.

“Yes. Alright? The two he was unsure of. His full name is Fernando Webber-Alonso. He used to be Alonso-Díaz but replaced the Díaz because he said all three was too much. In Spain, he’s registered as Fernando Webber-Alonso-Díaz so if you need that for your records then fine. And he didn’t skip breakfast; we had it together. We got room service, just fresh fruit and toast.” Mark sighs, his annoyance showing in his tone. What does this all matter? He just wants to see Fernando. 

“How is all of this relevant?” Andrea asks softly from beside Mark. Caio nodded to Oliver to continue reading. Oliver shook his head. 

“I don’t want to.”

“Oliver, this is why you are here. This is what you are training to do.” Caio says in a stern voice.

“Please. You do it.”

“And next time, who will do it then?” Caio asks. Oliver looks down. Mark just looks between the two of them, waiting for someone to explain. 

“Question: how old are you?” Oliver says in a shaky voice. Mark suddenly doesn’t want to know the answer. He just wants to live in ignorance and go and find Fernando. He is shaking his head slightly. Oliver sees him doing so. Oliver looks to Caio who nods firmly in indication to read on. Oliver’s voice is just over a whisper. “Patient answer…” Oliver pauses and looks at Mark. He wishes he hadn’t. The pain in Mark’s eyes was already clear. He doesn’t want to do this. 

“Twenty-one.” Caio says from across the room. Oliver sighs and looks down at the floor, knowing Caio is disappointed with him. Caio’s eyes find Mark’s. “Fernando believes he is twenty-one.”

“Not possible.” Andrea whispers. Mark’s voice fails him. 

“Read on please, Oliver.” Caio says resolutely, not looking up from Mark. Mark’s attention has slipped to a point on the desk as he breathes slowly and deliberately. 

“Question: what year were you born? Patient answer: Nineteen eighty-one. Question: what year is it now? Patient answer… Is, erm…” Oliver clears his throat and gains Mark’s attention.

“What was his answer?” Mark asks, his voice surprisingly calm. Oliver cleared his throat again.

“Two-thousand and three.”

Mark fell back in his chair, eyes glazing over. It isn’t possible. Fernando can’t have just regressed ten years. But he hadn’t regressed, not at all… Mark doesn’t know what’s going on any more. He stands and walks out of the room, throwing open the door and striding over to room 314. He looks in at the window to see Fernando sitting in the bed, looking around at something on the ceiling, pointing and flexing his feet alternately. His hands are clutched in his lap. He looks terrifyingly innocent. Mark backs away from the window, shaking his head slightly. Caio grabs his shoulder. 

“Mark. He has forgotten the last ten years of his life. Anything that has happened in those ten years he will not know about or remember. I’m not sure if this is temporary amnesia or if it’s permanent. To be honest, without the results of the CT I can’t be sure of exactly what’s going on. No one has told him it’s not two-thousand and three. That decision lies with you. You decide who and when.” Caio stands in front of Mark, blocking his view from Fernando before he continues. “He has been asking for a Flavio and a Raquel… I’m sure you know who these people are…” Caio sighs as Mark lets out a shaky breath, a few tears escaping onto his cheeks. 

“Yeah… Flavio is his old team… Team principle. Was his team principle in two-thousand and three… Raquel’s his ex-girlfirend from 2003…” Mark sighs, more tears spilling on his cheeks. This isn’t happening. Fernando can’t not remember anything. His two world championships, moving to McLaren, leaving Raquel, moving to Ferrari, getting together with Mark, being engaged to Mark… Marrying Mark… None of it? He just couldn’t remember any of it? Mark can’t breathe. 

“He was wearing this,” Caio continues, finally sounding human as his voice breaks. He pulls Fernando’s chain with his ring on it out of his pocket. More tears spill onto Mark’s face. Andrea holds his shoulder. “It was… It was round his neck in the ambulance. I had to take it off him just in case it messed with any scans or tests we do… it’s standard, everyone has to-”

“-I know…” Mark breathes, not able to take his eyes off of the ring. Oliver looks to Caio and sees him failing slightly. 

“He, err, he saw it when I asked him if he had anything else. After asking about his leg, which is fine, he... He asked me what it was… He didn’t recognise it… I’m so sorry.” Caio finishes, handing the ring to Mark. Mark takes it and clutches it tightly in his hand as more tears spill onto his face. He looks past Caio and back into Fernando’s room. 

“Did he, err… Did he ask for… Err… About… About me?” Mark tries but his voice flakes. Andrea squeezes his shoulder soothingly. 

“Did you used to drive for Jaguar? In 2003?” Oliver asks. Mark nods, not turning from Fernando’s window. “He wanted us to tell the Australian Jaguar driver where he was. He only mentioned it once, but-”

“-I want to go in.” Mark says, drying his eyes on his sleeve. Caio nods, moving out of his way. When Andrea lets go of Mark, Mark turns to him, confused. 

“He’s not going to know who I am. I do not want to confuse him. I will wait out here.” Andrea says with a small smile, taking a seat opposite Fernando’s door. Mark’s whole being pangs with sadness as Andrea sits. Caio moves over to Fernando’s door and places his hand on the handle, waiting for Mark. Mark takes a deep breath before closing his eyes briefly and nodding to Caio. “Good luck.” Andrea calls quietly as Caio leads Mark into the room. 

“Fernando? Someone’s here to see you.” Caio says softly as he walks into the room. Mark opens his eyes before taking a step forwards into the unknown.


	2. Maybe it is the Best Option...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The past is daunting when you can remember it...

“Flavio?” Fernando calls hopefully. Mark pushes Fernando’s ring into his pocket before moving from behind Caio. Fernando takes him in, a small frown appearing on his face. Mark looks older. It’s weird. Fernando doesn’t understand. He’s sure there is something in Mark’s eyes that makes him look aged. And his cheeks look a little hollowed… His confusion is replaced almost instantly with relief that finally someone he recognises is here. His face breaks into a smile. “Mark.”

“Hey.” Mark says softly, moving beside Fernando. Caio moves a chair over so Mark can sit down before moving from the room. The soft click of the door shutting comes as Mark takes the seat. He goes to reach for Fernando’s hand but stops himself, folding his hand closed and replacing it in his lap. Fernando doesn’t know about any of that. Fernando doesn’t know they’re together. Mark looks down at his hands sadly and Fernando frowns at him.

“Are you OK?” Fernando asks. Mark scoffs at the ‘typical Fernando’ question looking back up to him, unaware a tear has spilled onto his cheek. Fernando hates seeing it there. It’s not right. He really hates seeing the tear on Mark’s cheek. That confuses him. Why does he have such a strong passion of hatred for the sadness on Mark’s face?

“You’re the one who throws your car into a wall and you’re asking me if I’m Ok.” Mark gives Fernando a small smile and another tear follows the other down his face.

“But you crash to… Hit your tyre…” Fernando says, automatically feeling like he’s got that wrong. He doesn’t like this feeling. He doesn’t like it when Mark leans forwards on his chair awkwardly before falling back away from him. He wants Mark to stay close… But why?

“I… It didn’t…” Mark tries, pushing his hand into his hair. Fernando cups his face, brushing the tears from Mark’s cheek with his fingers. It’s an odd movement and Fernando can’t work out exactly why he’s done it. It just feels like the right thing to do. Or maybe it wasn’t. It sends more tears down Mark’s face as the Australian places a hand over the one on his cheek, closing his eyes.

“Is not your fault I crashed.” Fernando says soothingly. Mark gasps for a breath that shakes horribly. 

“I know it’s not…” Mark breathes. He opens his eyes and takes in Fernando’s small smile. He can’t do this. He can’t sit here and pretend everything is OK when it definitely is not. Fernando can’t remember anything? Nothing? Mark can’t deal with it. He pushes himself out of the chair and backs away from Fernando. Fernando frowns. 

“What?” Fernando says confused. The wall behind him stops Mark retreating further. He takes another shaky breath. 

“What team do you drive for?” Mark asks. Fernando feels like he is accusing him of something. He frowns deeper.

“You know this?” Fernando asks feeling more confused than ever. Why would Mark be asking these stupid questions? He can understand the doctors, but Mark? Nothing is making sense anymore. 

“What team, Fernando?” Mark asks again.

“Renault.” Fernando says in that horrifically confused voice. Mark’s hands cover his face as he slides down the wall, landing heavily on the floor. Fernando’s eyes open in panic. “Mark!” He calls, throwing the thin sheet off him and making to climb out of bed. Mark pushes himself off the floor, holding a hand out to Fernando as a signal to stop. Fernando does. 

“I can’t… I can’t do this…” Mark mutters, shaking his head. Fernando feels lost and confused and he feels sick again. What is Mark talking about? Fernando wants Mark to stay, to explain. Mark’s hand is on the door handle. 

“Please, Mark! Do not leave me! I do not… I just…” Fernando’s hand finds his throat as he leans back in the bed, closing his eyes, and rubs it soothingly, swallowing and trying to get rid of the nauseous feeling. Mark crosses back over to him and moves his hand from his throat, stroking the back of it, a pained expression all over his face.

You are not happy. We are not happy. Maybe it is the best option…

The words echo through Fernando’s head suddenly as Mark rubs his hand, retaking his seat next to him. Fernando can’t place the words or who he hears saying them. They are just there, lingering in his head as Mark strokes his hand. Fernando doesn’t understand. What was the best option? And who wasn’t happy? He can’t pull anything to mind, the words don’t fit anywhere in his memory. He looks to Mark who is breathing deeply and slowly.

“What has happened?” Fernando says, his head throbbing as if it is a really bad, persistent headache. Flavio will be mad if there is something wrong with him and he can’t race in two weeks… That’s right, two weeks. There is another race in two weeks... Isn’t there? “We have another race.” Fernando says. Mark looks up at him.

“What?”

“Another race in two weeks. I cannot remember where, but in two weeks…” Fernando looks over to Mark and is filled with dread. Mark is looking at him as if he is crazy… Maybe he is. Fernando doesn’t know anymore. He does, however, now know that there isn’t a race in two weeks time. 

Right. 

“What time of the year do you think it is?” Mark asks in disbelief. Fernando blinks. 

“Have just started the season, no? Brazil is an early race…” Fernando’s voice fades at Mark’s shocked expression. That is wrong too?

“Erm, no, mate. We’ve… Err… We’ve just ended the season… Today was the last race.” Mark mutters, looking at Fernando’s hand. Fernando shakes his head slightly, frowning at Mark. And then suddenly… He’s laughing. Fernando’s face breaks into his characteristic smile and he’s laughing. He’s laughing a lot. Mark keeps looking at him like he is mental but Fernando doesn’t stop laughing. “What?” Mark asks as Fernando stops for breath. 

“This is a joke. Flavio set it up? Is very funny. A little scary, but very funny. This is why am wearing these.” Fernando smiles and points to the Ferrari logo on the chest of his fireproof underwear. He waits for Mark to respond. When Mark doesn’t start to laugh as well the smile on Fernando’s face wavers. “This is why, yes?” Fernando says a little desperately. Mark shakes his head in a solemn manner. 

“It’s not a joke, Fer… You… You drive for Ferrari. The season’s just finished. It’s November.” Mark sighs, watching Fernando’s face closely. The smile slides slowly off his face as he turns away from Mark, eyes glazed and shaking his head slightly. The nausea feeling settling on his chest and he doesn’t think he’ll ever shift it. The door opens but Fernando doesn’t turn to it. 

“Mr Webber,” Oliver says, making Mark turn. Mark takes in the beige paper file in his hands before looking up at his face. “We have the results of the CT.” Mark nods but Oliver doesn’t move. The resident’s eyes flick to Fernando before the settle back on Mark. “Dr. Lymiss would like to see you outside.” Oliver says reluctantly. Mark nods and gets to his feet, letting go of Fernando’s hands. Fernando doesn’t move as Mark exits the room. As the door is closed behind him, Andrea and the blonde nurse cross to him. 

“Mark, Stefano is here with Fernando’s track bag. They want to know if he is allowed to come up.” Andrea says indicating to the blonde nurse. Mark exhales deeply. 

“No one but me or a doctor is going in that room, not yet. Especially no Ferrari employees. It’s just going to confuse him.” Mark says, running his hand across his chin. Andrea nods. “He can come up if he wants to, but just let him know he’s not going in there.” Mark says to the nurse. She nods and returns to the desk and picks up the phone. Oliver leads Mark back to Caio’s office with Andrea in tow. Once again, the four of them are in the little office: Mark sitting on a chair, Andrea standing just beside him, Caio perched on his desk and Oliver on the other end of the desk, holding the results. Mark looks to Caio expectantly. 

“Now the CT scan results are back we can plan the next course of action.” Caio starts. Mark nods as an indication for him to carry on. He doesn’t want any nonsense, just facts. Caio holds out his hand to Oliver and Oliver hands him the results. Caio opens the file and looks through them, flipping a page over and frowning slightly. Mark taps his fingers on the arms of the chair impatiently. 

“I thought you already looked through it.” Mark comments towards Caio. 

“We have only just received them. I told Dr. Lymiss we had them and he sent me to fetch you.” Oliver says. Mark nods.

“Erm…” Caio says, still looking at the results in a confused manner. Mark looks up to him, preparing himself for the worst. 

“Just tell me.” Mark sighs, holding his eyes up to Caio. Caio closes the file and looks at Mark. 

“There is nothing wrong with him.” Mark blinks. What?

“Nothing?” Andrea asks in a surprised tone.

“CT shows nothing abnormal. He’s just had a bump to the head. The helmet must have protected him from serious damage.” Caio confirms, taking another look at the results. There it was, clear as day. Negative abnormalities. Fernando has no injuries. 

“Protected him from serious damage?” Mark snarls, echoing Caio’s words.

“Mark, just-” Andrea tries, but Mark talks over him.

“-If there is no serious damage then tell me, please, why he’s in there thinking it’s the beginning of the season and he drives for Renault!” Mark yells, getting to his feet and pointing towards Fernando’s room. Caio swallows nervously. 

“Please, Mr Webber, try to remain calm. Your partner has amnesia. There is nothing we can do to help-”

“-So that’s it? You’re just going to discharge him? You can’t see anything wrong so you’re going to kick him out when he still thinks it’s 2003?” 

“We can keep him under observation overnight, but if there is no changes then there is nothing more we can do. As far as we are concerned he is fit and healthy. If you want we will keep him overnight to check.”

“But you’re not going to run anymore tests?”

“There is nothing more for us to run.” Oliver pips up from his corner. Mark’s hands ball into fits. 

“He’s forgotten ten years of his life! This stuff doesn’t just fall out of your head! Something’s wrong with him!” Mark spits at the doctors. They pass each other a helpless look. 

“There really isn’t anymore we can-”

“-Don’t fucking say that!” Mark yells as he pushes himself from the room. He forces himself to stop outside Fernando’s room and calm down. Fernando is already confused enough as it is. He takes three deep breaths. 

“Mark.” A thick, Italian accent says behind him. Mark opens his eyes and turns to see Stefano. The Italian tries to offer a small smile. “Is he-?”

“-Fine. Apparently.” Mark spits. Stefano sighs in relief. 

“Good.”

“No. Not good. Very not good.” Mark spits at him. Stefano frowns. 

“What do you mean?” Stefano asks, confused. Mark opens his mouth to speak to him when it dawns on him. Stefano has nothing in his hands. He’s got his arms folded. Stefano was coming up with Fernando’s track bag. The bag with the cynical grey A4 envelope in it. Mark’s eyes widen in fear. 

“Where’s his bag?” Mark asks, his tone slightly panicked. Stefano frowns deeper.

“What are you-?” 

“-His bag, Stefano. What have you done with it?” Mark says, taking a step towards the Italian. Andrea comes over with Caio and Oliver. 

“Mark I-” Stefano tries again.

“-WHERE IS IT?” Mark’s panic is clear now and Andrea frowns at him. 

“What is it? What are you looking for?” Andrea asks. Stefano clears his throat. 

“I gave it to the nurse.” Stefano murmurs. Mark looks at him ludicrously, shaking his head. “She said I couldn’t go in, I had to wait. She offered to take it for me to him. So I gave it to her.”

“And now he’s got it?” Mark’s voice shook horribly. Stefano nodded. 

“Mark-” Caio tries, but Mark is already bursting into Fernando’s room, shutting the door behind him. He sighs deeply as he looks over to Fernando; the bag is resting, opened, beside him and Mark can see the envelope is still in the bag. He moves over to the bed and places the bag on the floor, taking it’s place. Fernando is holding his Ferrari shirt up by the shoulders, looking at it. His eyes convert to Mark as he sits down. 

“You OK?” Mark asks softly and a little breathily. Fernando opens and closes his mouth a few times, throat going dry. 

“Where’s Flavio?” Fernando asks in a quiet voice. Mark can’t see the point in lying to him. 

“He’s not here. He’s not coming. He’s at his house in France.” Mark says, sitting on the bed a bit more. He brushes Fernando’s leg accidently as he makes himself comfortable and Fernando winces a little. Before Mark can ask what’s wrong Fernando’s asking another question.

Right. Priorities, Mark. The doctor said his leg was fine. 

“Why isn’t he here, at the race? Why is he in France?”

“He isn’t part of a team anymore. He got… He got a life ban in-” Mark doesn’t say the year. Fernando doesn’t seem to have picked up of his incomplete sentence. His eyes fall back onto the shirt in his hands.

“Raquel?” 

“In Spain.”

“She just did not come to this race…” Fernando justifies to himself. She was only his girlfriend and she had her band to deal with. She wasn’t going to make it to every race. But that didn’t feel right. There was something he was missing. 

“She’s not with you anymore.” Mark sighs. And although this shocks Fernando, he feels like that is a good thing. He knows he loves her… Or loved her? It is so confusing; Fernando can’t seem to get anything straight.

“Before you went,” Fernando says, putting the shirt down and looking back at Mark. Mark nods, encouraging him to ask what he wants to. “You said… You said it was November, and I drive for Ferrari and…” Fernando just looks to Mark for confirmation. Mark nods. “What is happening?” Mark scoots up the bed a little and takes Fernando’s hand in both of his, his left lying on top. He rubs small circles onto the back of his hand as he speaks. 

“You had a crash. Something made contact with your helmet and has left a bump on your head.” Mark starts with the facts he knows Fernando already knows. Fernando nods at him. “There is apparently nothing wrong with you, medically, but you… You have… Have forgotten…” Mark can’t finish the sentence, but apparently he has said enough. Fernando’s eyes widen. No. That’s not possible. He can’t have just forgotten something like leaving Raquel or moving teams. Mark must be joking. 

But he wasn’t joking before…

“Not… I do not…”

“It’s alright, Fernando. I’m going to help you. It’s Ok to feel scared and confused. But it’s going to be fine. I promise it’s going to be fine.” Mark adds a little pressure to Fernando’s hand in a supportive way and a rush of happiness fills the Spaniard. He can’t understand it. He looks down at Mark’s left hand and sees the ring on his finger. 

I promise. 

Mark has said that to him before. It is Mark’s voice echoing around his head as he looks at that ring. Is there something familiar about that ring? As Fernando looks up at Mark, the feeling vanishes. And he can’t call on it again. It’s weird. The feeling just disappears as if it never existed. He blinks.

“You are married?” Fernando asks. Mark’s eyes pool with tears and he can’t seem to catch his breath. Fernando picks up Mark’s left hand and looks down at the ring, trying to force that feeling back. He can’t. He’s finding it difficult to even remember what the feeling had felt like. 

“Yeah… I’m married.” Mark breathes, trying his hardest not to let the tears fall from his eyes. This is too much. Too painful. How can Fernando have just forgotten? Fernando runs his thumb over the ring, frowning slightly. What the hell was that feeling?

“Say again please.” Fernando requests. Mark frowns at him.

“What?”

“What you say before. Say it again.”

“I’m married?”

“No, before this.” Fernando’s eyes look up to Mark briefly before falling back on the ring. Simple, gold. Just a band ring. Mark wracks his brain, looking for what he said before. 

“I’m going to help you? Err, it’s going to be fine?” Mark looks at Fernando, waiting for a sign he has said the right thing. Then it dawns on him. And he grabs onto it because maybe Fernando can remember. Mark takes a deep breath as a shaky tear falls down his cheek. “I promise.”

I promise.

There it is again! Fernando feels giddy for a moment, succumbing to the wave of happiness that floods him. But it goes again. Too quickly. And Fernando can’t place his finger on it. His head throbs painfully. Fernando drops Mark’s hand and it falls onto the mattress with a soft thud. Fernando leans back.

“Did you marry Ann?” Fernando asks, looking over to Mark. Mark sighs deeply, looking ten times sadder before he rubs his cheek with his left hand, not looking at Fernando. 

“Err, no… Not Ann.”

“Do I know them?” Mark risks a look at Fernando. This isn’t fair. He doesn’t deserve this. Fernando and he were supposed to be happy. Together. How ever much he had wished to forget the last year of his life he didn’t want Fernando to forget the last ten. He wants everything to go back to the way it was two years ago. When Fernando remembered and they were happy.

“Yeah… Quite well…” Mark breaths. Fernando closes his eyes trying to formulate something clear in his head. Nothing. Just blurs of colour and unfocused pictures. He just can’t remember. 

“Was I there? Did I go to your wedding?” Fernando asks. Mark wants to scream. This isn’t fair. Fernando is supposed to know about all of this. Mark lets out another shaky breath which makes Fernando open his eyes and look at him. 

“Yeah… Yes, mate… You were…. You were there…” Mark breathes, trying so badly to not fall apart. He doesn’t want to confuse Fernando. 

“Did I do something bad?” Fernando asks. It is killing Mark to know Fernando can’t remember this. Can’t remember marrying him. He just wants his Fernando back; even if that pushes them back to the dark place they were in…

Are in. That’s still happening even if Fernando can’t remember it. 

“No.”

“Then why are you crying?”

“I’m not, Fernando.” Mark exasperates, pushing himself from the bed and running his hand under his eyes. Fernando watches him for a moment but when Mark doesn’t turn back round he returns to looking at the things from his bag. The Ferrari shirt is lying in his lap, his name clearly sown onto the right-hand side. His paddock pass is also beside him with a thin black, rectangular device that he assumes is his phone. God knows how he would go about operating it; there is only one button. Maybe it isn’t a phone. Fernando looks down at the bag Mark put on the floor and reaches for it, hoping somehow it will explain everything. Mark catches his wrist and puts it back on the bed. “What are you doing?” Mark asks, frowning slightly.

“Do not understand, am trying to.” Fernando says, reaching for his bag again. Mark stops him before turning his back and bending over to the bag. Fernando tries to see what he is doing but before he can Mark is straightening up and handing him the bag. Fernando takes in the logo on the strap. Oakley… What the hell is Oakley? Maybe it’s some kind of Ferrari thing. “What year is it?” Fernando asks, deducing that if he does in fact drive for Ferrari then it is definitely not 2003.

“2013. November 2013.” Mark sighs. Fernando doesn’t visibly react. He just continues to look at the bag. But it hits him. Fuck, does it hit him hard. He hasn’t just forgotten a little bit. He’s forgotten ten years. 

Ten fucking years.

And he can’t seem to focus on anything but the white oval ‘o’ on the strap of the bag. Ten years? What the fuck had he forgotten? What the hell had happened? He now drives for Ferrari? Flavio has a life-ban? For what? What did Flavio do? Was Fernando even still talking to him? Did the life-ban include Fernando? Had it been against Fernando? And what had happened to Raquel? Although he can’t help but feel happy about no longer being with Raquel (confusingly – surely he should feel sad about that) he still wants to know why. That seems to be the pressing question that makes his head throb again: Why? There is a soft knock on the door and Caio lets himself in. Mark and Fernando both turn to him.

“Mr Webber, can we…?” Caio asks, indicating for Mark to leave the room. Mark stoops and picks something up from under Fernando’s bed, deliberately hiding it and keeping his back to Fernando so Fernando doesn’t see. He nods and follows Caio out.

“Mark?” Fernando asks after him. Mark turns, hiding the A4, grey envelope behind his back. 

“I’ll be back in just a moment. Just need to speak to the doctor.” Mark smiles softly. Fernando nods before returning to looking through his bag. Mark shuts the door. Caio turns to talk to him but Mark moves away. “Andrea.” Mark asks, approaching Andrea who is sitting next to Stefano. Andrea takes in the grey envelope in Mark’s hands before he looks up at Mark. 

“What have you done?” Andrea asks, a little bit of panic in his voice. Mark shakes his head. 

“Nothing, I haven’t done anything.” Mark says as Andrea stands up.

“What are you doing with that?” Andrea points to the envelope. Mark holds it out to him. 

“I need you to hide it.” There is a small pause. 

“What?”

“Hide it so Fernando can’t find it.” Andrea blinks at Mark as if he is mad. 

“Mark, this does not just go away because he cannot remember. Your problems do not just dis-”

“-Yes they do. We can fix this, I told you we can.”

“I will not help you, Mark. It is what he wants.”

“He can’t remember what he wants! Please, Andrea. I’m not telling you to burn it. Just hide it. He’s not ready to see it yet.” Mark says, pushing the envelope into Andrea’s hands. Andrea shakes his head. 

“I cannot, Mark. If you leave it with me I have to post it.”

“I’m still his husband, I get to say what is right for him.” Mark states through gritted teeth.

“You’re not, Mark!” Andrea challenges, raising his voice and frowning angrily.

“I never signed it!” Mark yells back. Andrea shrinks back a little, shocked. Mark exasperates. “That’s why he was annoyed before the race. He came to me with it and told me to sign it. I didn’t… Check if you want.” Mark says, turning away from Andrea and Stefano and towards Caio. Caio leads him back to his office as Andrea sits back down, pulling the documents out of the envelope. 

C. Juan Solicitor for Child Custody and Divorces   
Document for Divorce of Fernando Webber-Alonso-Díaz and Mark Webber-Alonso

Andrea flips through to one of the post-it tabbed pages and looks down at the dotted lines. Fernando’s flowing signature sits about one line whereas the one below, where Mark’s signature should be, is blank. Andrea closes the pack falling back into his chair, sighing. 

“What is that?” Stefano asks, trying to read the document as Andrea pushes it back in the envelope. 

“Nothing. Will be back in a moment.” Andrea says, getting to his feet. He gets a post-it note from the nurse’s desk and writes a note on it, dropping it in the envelope before leaving the hospital, heading for his car. 

\- - -

“So you need to ask me the questions so you know if his answer is right or not?” Mark asks Caio who is sitting opposite him behind his desk, his fingertips pressed together and his elbows are resting on the desktop. 

“Mr Webber-”

“-Please, call me-”

“-Sorry… Mark, we are trying to assess his mental state. We need the correct answers so we can tell if he can remember anything. We can only hold him here under observation for one night if nothing drastically changes. There really is nothing we can do for amnesia. You will just have to wait and see when or if his memory returns.” Caio sits forwards and opens his notepad. Mark nods. “Oliver is asking Fernando now, he will bring the results through and you are welcome to stay here as we compare them.” Mark nods again and Caio clicks his pen, ready to note down Mark’s answers to his questions. 

Where is Fernando’s birthday? Where was he before he came to the racetrack? The last person he had a conversation with before he got in his car? What that conversation was about? How many laps had he completed before the crash? Mark has to consult Stefano about the last question because he doesn’t know. When Caio is happy with the answers, he offers Mark a glass of water or a coffee. Mark refuses both, just folding his arms and waiting. He didn’t enjoy telling Caio about the discussion he had with Fernando before the race. He hated reliving it. But it’s over now. Caio makes an assumption that Fernando should have his memory back by tomorrow morning. Mark wants to scoff at him. People don’t just loose ten years of memory and then get it back again in the blink of an eye. No, this is going to go on for longer than a day. A small selfish part of Mark never wants Fernando to regain his memory. That isn’t strictly true, he just doesn’t want Fernando to remember the past twelve months. 

\- - -

“Is that all?” Fernando asks in an irritated manner. Oliver has been asking him non-stop questions for what feels like hours, each answer taking a while to form because he still cannot remember. He just wants him to leave so he can explore the rest of his bag. He can’t remember the answer to any of the questions – he gives his birthday easily enough – and now he just feels more irritated because he doesn’t understand anything anymore. He wants Mark to come back and explain like he was explaining before. 

“Yes, thank you. Sorry to put you under any stress.” Oliver says, closing his notepad and heading for the door. Fernando stops him by returning the persistent question-asking thing. 

“Where is Mark?” Fernando asks. Oliver turns back to him. 

“Talking with Dr. Lymiss. He’ll be back soon.”

“What are they talking about?” Fernando shoots before Oliver has a chance to leave. Oliver sighs. 

“Are you deliberately asking me questions because it’s what I just did to you?” Oliver smiles. 

“Is this another question?” Fernando seethes. Oliver chuckles, opening the door and tucking his pad under his arm. 

“A nurse will be along in a moment to give you another check. We will regulate this on the hour to monitor your mental state.” Fernando nods as Oliver steps out of the room.

“Wait!” Fernando calls. Oliver rolls his eyes in jest at Fernando before returning into the room. “How long do I have to stay here?” Fernando asks genuinely. Oliver hugs his notepad across his chest. 

“Your CT shows no damage. You’ve just had a bump on your head that has lead to concussion. That’s what we think anyway. We’re keeping you under observation tonight and we will see how you are in the morning. We are planning on discharging you tomorrow, but that depends on how much of your memory has come back.” Fernando nods and lets Oliver leave his room. Depending on how much of his memory has come back in the morning? Hopefully no one would tell Mark and he would be able to find out the necessary information to give the doctors in the morning just in case his memory doesn’t come back. Fernando sighs as he pulls his wallet out of his bag. He just wants to go home.

\- - -

Oliver walks into the office and hands his pad to Caio. Caio nods his thanks as he sets it on the desk next to Mark’s answers, opening it and reading what Fernando has said. Caio sighs sadly before handing the pad over to Mark. 

“Not good?” Mark asks, too scared to take the pad off Caio. Caio leans forwards, holding it closer to Mark. 

“It doesn’t match what you said.” Caio says, waving the pad insistently at Mark. Mark reluctantly takes it from him, looking down at the black words scribbled on the page.

Q: Where is your birthday?  
PA: 29th July  
Q: Where were you before you came to the racetrack?   
PA: Technical briefing in a hotel room? – Patient is not certain of this fact.   
Q: The last person you had a conversation with before you got in your car?   
PA: Flavio, maybe? Or my race engineer… I can’t think of his name…  
Q: What that conversation was about?   
PA: Set up of the car? – Patient’s voice becomes more irritable. Obvious memory loss is aggravating.   
Q: How many laps had he completed before the crash?   
PA: Sixty-one? Near the end…

Patient takes a while to answer each question and becomes more irritated as the inquiry goes on. 

“You said that he was with you before the race, in your joint hotel room, asking you to sign divorce papers. And Mr Domenicali said he only completed 47 laps, just having had his second pit-stop.” Caio confirms. Mark nods. 

“And you still don’t think anything is wrong with him?” Mark seethes, handing the pad back to Caio. Caio sighs. 

“Mr Webber, I have to work with the results of the tests that I get. If they tell me nothing is wrong then nothing is wrong. He has hit his head and got concussion. It is common for these patients to have temporary memory loss. I have already twisted my superior’s arm to keep him in under observation tonight. There is nothing more I can do.” Mark can hear the impatience rising in Caio’s voice. He gets up; turning away from the doctor and for the third time that day leaves the office without being invited to.

\- - -

It doesn’t make any sense. Fernando stares down at the thin device he has figured is a phone (his hands somehow knowing how to function the thing even though his head seems foggy and confused by it) in disbelief. The first time was a coincidence, the second time maybe unlucky, but a third? No. That wasn’t right. The calls were being rejected, the ring time getting shorter. But why? Fernando can’t understand. Something must have happened. No. No. Fernando shakes his head a little. Why can’t he remember! The irritation floods through him and he hurtles the phone across the room. It smacks the wall and emits a cracking sound. Fernando doesn’t care. He hugs his knees and rocks slightly. Nothing is making sense. He can’t remember anything. He hates this no knowing. He feels disorientated. He feels sick again. 

Mark opens the door softly and his eyes fall on Fernando’s phone lying face down on the floor. He frowns at it before crouching to pick it up and turns it over. The front screen is smashed. A crack running from top to bottom as one side is broken into a million pieces. Mark looks up to Fernando to ask what happened but finds he doesn’t have to. Placing the broken phone on the bedside table, Mark sits next to Fernando and wraps his arms around him. 

And something hits Fernando again. A flash of an image before his eyes. The room is lighter, a room he doesn’t recognise. But Mark and he are sitting on a bed in this image. A much more comfortable one than the hospital one. And the thin black phone is discarded at the end of his bed. Mark’s arms are wrapped around him, his wedding ring shining in the sunlight. And Fernando feels heart-breakingly sad. And it’s overwhelming him. And he cannot deal with it. It’s all too much. 

With a blink of an eye the sadness is gone, the vision of the strange bedroom has vanished. Mark’s arms feel foreign but comforting around him, but he still pushes out of the hold. The confusion seeps back in and he just can’t understand. He can’t understand the sudden vision that has pulled so far away he’s not even sure it was real and he can’t understand the rejection of his calls. It doesn’t make sense. Why would she not want to hear from him? Mark sinks back down in the plastic, white chair next to the bed and watches Fernando settle himself back down under the sheets. Fernando stares up at the ceiling. Mark notes his bag has been packed away and placed by the side of the bed, where Mark’s feet now rest. He leans forwards to Fernando, touching his arm gently. Fernando looks his way. 

“Why is your phone broken, Fer?” Mark asks softly. Fernando replies with a second and more demanding question in a husky voice, answering Mark’s indirectly. 

“Why is Lorena rejecting my calls?”


	3. You'll Remember in the Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So many little secrets can really make your blood boil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's important that I point out a mistake I made at the beginning of this work (don't worry, I have changed it now). Basically, when Fernando had his crash in 2003 he was actually 21 because it was April and he hand't had his 22nd birthday yet (that was in July of 2003). So yeah, I got that wrong and I needed to mention it because it is brought up in this part and so I didn't want people getting confused. 
> 
> To sum up (:P) - When Fernando regains consciousness after his crash in 2013 he thinks he is 21, not 22. 
> 
> Ok? Good. Hope you enjoy it : ) 
> 
> Thanks for reading.
> 
> \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Fernando is lying on his left side with both his hands tucked under his head. He is watching Mark. Mark won’t look at him. Instead, Mark is inspecting Fernando’s phone. Looking at the cracks. Shaking it to see what glass falls out. It’s been twenty minutes since Fernando asked about Lorena. Mark still hasn’t answered. Fernando has deduced that obviously Mark knows. No one has said anything. Fernando is still waiting. The silence pushing on his ears and making his head feel like it is going to explode. 

“Mark.” Fernando says in an even tone. Mark doesn’t look away from the broken phone. 

“I’ll get this fixed for you.” Mark mutters, dusting glass off his leg. 

“Mark, why will Lorena not talk to me?”

“Because you can’t use it like this-”

“-Mark-”

“-You’ll cut your ear-”

“-Mark, please-”

“-Or your finger or-”

“-MARK!” Fernando sits up so he can glare at Mark. Mark is slightly stunned by Fernando’s sudden raised voice and he looks up at him. He drops his eyes immediately placing the phone on the bedside table.

“Doctor said that this amnesia is only temporary. You’ll remember in the morning. Everything will go back to normal.” Mark sighs, though Fernando is sure he can hear some bitterness in Mark’s voice. He shakes his head.

“Am so confused.” Fernando presses his palms to his face as he sits forwards. Mark touches his shoulder gently. 

“Ask me questions and I’ll try to help, yeah?” Mark begins rubbing Fernando’s shoulder like he always does-no, did – when Fernando is stressed. Fernando relaxes a little, the movement feeling familiar. But that just confuses him more. Why is that soothing on his shoulder? Why is that familiar? Fernando moves his hands from his face.

“I do not remember anything. I…” Fernando tries but it is of no use. He puts his hands back on his face. 

“Come on, mate, you’ve got to at least try…” Mark says a little desperately. “Surely you’ve got to remember the 2005 F1 season?” Fernando looks at Mark blankly. Mark frowns. “2006?”

“Is there something special about these years?” Fernando tries. Mark lets out a breath that is a cross between a laugh and a gasp of shock. It seemed so easy to accept Fernando had lost ten years of his memory until it actually came down to finding out Fernando doesn’t remember anything. “Why should I remember these?”

“They’re the years you won the World Championship…” Mark says in a quiet voice. Fernando sits up blot straight. 

“I… What?” 

“You won the World Championship two years in a row… 2005, 2006… You broke Schumacher’s consecutive winning streak… You were really happy, ecstatic really… Very cocky.” Mark adds his last comment with a little smile. Fernando falls heavily back against the bed. Surely, of all things, he should remember that. World Champion… Twice! Why can’t he place that? Why does that not feel like something he has done? He exhales. These things should be in his future, for him to do, not his past. He feels so lost. Fernando’s eyes fall onto the Ferrari logo on the front of his fireproof underwear.

“With Ferrari? I win with Ferrari? How long have I been driving Ferrari?” Fernando asks, eyes still on the logo. Mark sighs, letting his hands fall into his lap. “Must be at least nine years… Maybe eight-”

“Four.” Mark corrects. Fernando looks at him in disbelief. 

“Four?”

“You won 2005, 2006 with Renault.” Mark looks up at him feeling like any minute he’s going to wake up from this nightmare. Or Fernando will start laughing, saying he was playing up the amnesia thing. No, actually, Fernando would start yelling at him, asking him why he was even here…

“Not Ferrari?” Fernando asks too innocently. 

“No. You moved to Ferrari for 2010 and you’re still there. I don’t think you’ve got any intentions of leaving. When we last spoke about it you wanted to end your career there.” Fernando’s eyes widen slightly. If he’s lost ten years of his memory then he’s ten years older which means he’s looking at the end of his career. That feels wrong and horrible. He feels like he’s only just started and now he has to think about stopping? Fernando shakes his head slightly. “What?”

“Is my career over?” Fernando asks, his voice breaking. Maybe today was his last race. Maybe he didn’t finish his last race. Mark gives him a small smile, touching his shoulder again. 

“No, Fer, you’ve still got a couple of Word Championships to win.” Fernando finds himself blushing and feeling sheepish at Mark’s comment. Does Mark really think that much of him? It seems odd but very soothing. Like something he’s missed for a very long time. Maybe Mark isn’t as close to him as he was ten years ago. Maybe that’s why it feels so refreshing to hear praising and kind words come from his mouth. He relaxes back into the bed and lets his eyes fall shut; trying to process everything Mark has told him. 

“How many World Championship do you have?” Fernando asks. Mark shoots him a disbelieving look before remembering Fernando doesn’t remember. “And what team do you drive for now? Is Jaguar still around? No, if am in Ferrari you will be in a big team too. We probably fight against each other for the title. Maybe McLaren? Have I won any more titles? With Ferrari, I mean. Or maybe another team. Did I stay with Renault? For how long? Did I just go to Ferrari four years ago? What happened in the years between? What teams are still around now? Have they all changed? Have all the drivers changed? Are we the oldest two? You said I was cocky after my two titles. Am I still?”

“Fernando, stop.” Mark says, holding up a hand to the Spaniard. Fernando blushes. “I know this is confusing for you but you just need to slow down.” Mark is getting more and more panicked by the amount Fernando can’t remember. It’s too weird. He’s expecting to be laughed at any moment. Fernando sighs, exhaling a deep breath. He looks back up at the ceiling. 

“How old am I?” Fernando swallows dryly. Mark’s eyes are wide in shock. This really can’t be happening. 

“Thirty-two.”

“Thirty-two?” Fernando turns back to Mark. This is wrong. So wrong. He can’t be thirty-two, he just can’t be. He hasn’t even turned twenty-two yet! His birthday, in July, isn’t for a few months. Mark is just playing around. It’s not happening. He’s not thirty-two. Fernando runs a hand through his hair. 

And stops himself. Eyes wide. Mouth dropping open.

“What?” Mark asks, worried, sitting forwards. Maybe Fernando’s remembered something. Maybe this nightmare is about to end and his real nightmare will continue. Fernando’s hand is resting at the back of his head. His fingers weaved through the long-ish hair. Long-ish hair. Fernando knows he had recently had a hair cut. His hair is supposed to be short. No, he recently had a hair cut in 2003. He turns his gaze to Mark. 

“Is long.” Mark blinks at him. 

“What?” Mark repeats with a frown, feeling more confused. Fernando looks straight ahead of him, running his fingers through the wavy strands. It’s not ridiculously long, but at the point where he would normally get it cut. Only last week had he gone. It doesn’t grow that fast. He holds it up above his head, frowning. This doesn’t make any sense. He got it cut last week! He can remember the conversation he had had with the barber. How the man had cut it a little too short on the sides, but he isn’t one for making fusses so he just let it go, claiming it would grow to where he wanted it soon. But it didn’t grow this fast. 

It’s been ten years, for all you know you’ve dyed it blonde.

“Does not matter.” Fernando sighs, letting his hair fall messily back onto his head. He lies back down and rubs his fingers gently over his eyes. His head is pounding again and he just wants everything to make sense. Why does nothing make sense? It’s so infuriating. Fernando tucks his right hand behind his head and sighs. “Am thirty-two?” he asks Mark again, not looking at the Australian.

“Yeah. It’s November, Fernando. You had you’re birthday earlier this year… We were in Spain for the weekend, just the two of us… It was nice.” Mark sighs. Fernando shakes his head a little. Sure he can remember that. It was only about five months ago. He closes his eyes and tries to focus… But nothing. More blurry colours that may mean something to somebody else. But not him. He doesn’t have a clue. He opens his eyes again. 

“Am thirty-two… Am I married?” Fernando throws out as if it is a joke. “Do I have kids?” That thought stops him. Maybe he does. Maybe they’re worrying about him right now. Maybe he’s a crap Dad; he’s away too much racing. Maybe that’s why he’s thinking about the end of his career.

“No, Fernando. You don’t have kids.” Mark says in what Fernando thinks is a pissed off tone. Mark deliberately doesn’t answer his first question because the answer is sort of. Is being separated for six months really classed as still being married? Mark thought so, but the 2013 Fernando had different ideas. It isn’t worth getting into now when Fernando will probably remember in the morning anyway. 

Fernando pulls the sheet off him a little to look down at the logo on his chest. He picks up the corner of the logo in his left hand and pulls it up so he can see it better. Ferrari. The team he had always wanted to drive for. And he is. He’s living his dream. He couldn’t bear to think about changing teams. Why would he ever move from the best team in the world? A small smile pulls at his face as it dawns on him that this is real and he really does drive for Ferrari. He doesn’t focus on the rest of the scary unknown facts. For now, he lets himself smile. Mark watches Fernando’s face and feels relieved to see Fernando smiling. He touches Fernando’s ankle, drawing circles on the skin he knows Fernando will do anything to have soothingly rubbed. 

“You remembering something, bub?” Mark asks softly. Fernando frowns a little and looks from his shirt to Mark.

“Bub?” Fernando asks. Mark stops tracing on Fernando’s ankle. He clears his throat, feeling himself blush, and sits back in his chair. 

“Huh?” Mark tries innocently. Fernando props himself up on his elbows, watching Mark. 

“You call me ‘bub’” There is a small pause. 

“Sorry?”

“What is bub?” Fernando asks a little more insistently. 

“I didn’t call you bub. I think you’re hearing things.” Mark says, looking down and scratching his neck nervously. 

“Did.” Fernando insists. 

“Bud. I called you bud. You know, like, short for buddy.” Mark says a little to joyously. Fernando raises an eyebrow at him. 

“You call me bub.” Fernando repeats. 

“Bud. B-U-D, Fernando.” Mark doesn’t wait long enough to let Fernando challenge him again. “Were you remembering something?”

“No…” Fernando sighs, lying back down but still watching Mark suspiciously. He knows Mark called him bub. He wants to know what it means. Maybe it’s some 2013 term that Fernando has forgotten. Maybe Fernando calls people bub to. That doesn’t seem right and Fernando has a pretty strong feeling he’s never said the word ‘bub’ in his life. He’s heard it a lot – the word has a familiar touch to it – but he’s never personally said it. 

“How many World Championships have you won?” Fernando asks, looking back over to Mark. He wants to try and work through the questions he asked earlier. He really wants to know. Selfishly, he wants to know so when the doctors ask him if he’s remembered anything tomorrow morning he can lie and just repeat what Mark tells him. It’s a safety net in case he can’t remember; he really just wants to go home. 

“I… Erm… I haven’t.” Mark says, not looking at Fernando. Fernando frowns over at him.

“None?” Fernando’s voice is full of shock. He assumes that if he has got two World Championships then Mark has to have at least matched that. But none? That is a surprise. 

“No…” Mark sighs. Fernando sits up and holds his shoulder. 

“Do not worry; is always next year.” He smiles. Mark exasperates a single, breathy laugh, shaking his head a little. 

“For you, yeah.” Fernando frowns.

“Do not understand.” Mark looks up at Fernando before relenting. 

“I’m not in Formula One anymore.” Fernando freezes. It’s not possible. As far as he is aware, Mark’s only really just started out in Formula One. They both have. It’s not possible for Mark to be leaving. Not at all. Fernando shakes his head slightly. “Today was my last race. I came second.” Mark adds, unsure as to why. Fernando just looks at him, dumbstruck.

“Why?”

“Did I come second?”

“Are you leaving?” Fernando’s voice is raspy, as if he’s on the verge on tears. It’s not a feeling he’s remembering, it’s a feeling that is a result of the shock Mark has just revealed. Because Fernando can’t imagine what would make him go. From what he thought, Mark is a really good driver. Maybe he’s not anymore, but Fernando can’t believe that. 

“It was your idea.” Bang. Another smack of shock to Fernando’s chest. Fernando shakes his head more rapidly. It’s not possible. Fernando can’t have suggested Mark leave. They would be no reason for it. Maybe Mark is too much of a threat for the title so Fernando has told him he was shit, talking him into retirement as if it was the best and most painless way to continue living his life. Maybe that is the person he has become over the last ten years. A manipulative dick. Maybe that is the man he can’t remember. 

You are not happy. We are not happy. Maybe this is the best option…

It is his voice. It’s his voice he can hear saying those words. No context to them, so he still can’t understand, but Mark’s revelation about retiring has made him remember saying the words himself. Maybe Mark understands. Maybe he should say the words to Mark. Maybe that would make them clearer.

“My idea?” Fernando questions, pointing to his chest. Mark nods. 

“Good idea. I’m glad you suggested it. I wasn’t happy… It was the best thing to do.”

You are not happy. We are not happy. Maybe this is the best option… 

So who was the mystery we?

“I say this to you?” Fernando asks, deciding he wants to know why he’s remembering those words over and over without context. Was he sad when he said them? Desolate? Happy? There was no context. Just the words and the knowledge that at some point he had said them.

“I suppose.” Mark shrugs. 

“Maybe this is the best option.” Fernando airs, watching Mark’s face. Mark swallows nervously at Fernando’s choice of words. Perhaps it’s coincidence. Perhaps he remembers.

“What’s the best option?” Mark says, as if oblivious to what Fernando had said.

“This is what I say to you… ‘Maybe this is the best option.’” Mark just nods. There is a small pause. “Why were you not happy?”

“Wh-What?” Mark says, fear etched into his eyes. Fernando frowns at his sudden mood change. 

“I say ‘You are not happy. We are not happy. Maybe this is the best option.’” Fernando watches Mark very closely as the Australian tenses up. 

“I thought you said you couldn’t remember anything.” Mark states through gritted teeth. Fernando frowns deeper at him.

“Cannot. Just these words.” Fernando says. Mark studies him for a moment, face still looking furious. 

“This isn’t one of your games is it?” Mark practically growls at Fernando. Games? Fernando is now a man who plays games?

“Games?” Fernando asks, genuinely confused. Mark watches him for a little while longer before deciding that Fernando really doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He sighs, sitting back in his chair. 

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Does, Mark. Please. What do you mean?” Fernando pleads. Mark just shakes his head. 

“You’ll remember in the morning.” That is all Mark seems to say to him when they come across a potentially sticky point in the conversation. You’ll remember in the morning. It’s like Mark doesn’t want to tell him anything. It is annoying because Fernando really can’t call back anything. He folds his arms. 

“So are you going to tell me anything of substance or just keep telling me I’ll remember in the morning?” Fernando snaps in a tone he doesn’t recognise. It doesn’t sound like him. It’s too harsh, too wound up, too tired and fed up. He’s not like that at all… Right?

“We’re not getting into another argument about something irrelevant.” Mark spits, also folding his arms, feeling like he’s suddenly dealing with the Fernando he recognises from this morning. Fernando lets his arms fall to his side. Another argument? They argue now? But there’s a voice in Fernando’s head that tells him he can’t let Mark talk to him like that. The voice fills him with that anger and that wound up tired feeling. He doesn’t like it. 

“Am not arguing with anyone.” Fernando throws in the clipped voice. “And am not playing any games.” Mark studies him with narrow eyes. 

“You really can’t remember anything?”

“No, Mark!” Fernando exasperates, throwing his hands forwards. “I cannot remember anything. As far as I am aware I have recently started a relationship with Raquel and my first season driving with Renault. Is all I can remember.” Fernando glares at Mark, his head tearing in two. Because he knows Mark is just trying to help and he appreciates it but there is something he can’t remember that is making him furious with the Australian. What one earth could have happened to make him resent Mark? There is a short pause where Fernando lays back, suddenly feeling washed with fatigue. “What happened with Raquel?”

“What?” Mark snaps. Fernando doesn’t like his tone. 

“Mark, I really cannot remember anything. Am sorry for whatever I did to make you hate me but I do not remember it.” Fernando sighs, feeling more lost than ever. Snippets of broken memories are filling his head and he can’t make sense of anything. His eyes are sliding closed. He really just wants to sleep. 

“I don’t hate you, Fernando.” Mark says in a broken voice that sounds too familiar. Fernando tries to not sieve through the fragments in his head but he finds himself desperately looking for the familiarity of that voice. “It’s just… Weird and confusing. I don’t understand how you just can’t remember anything but everyone says you’re fine. I keep expecting to come in here and for you to kick me out. And I know it’s stupid because if I think this is confusing then who knows how you are feeling, but-”

I’m not going anywhere! You can’t just kick me out!

Fernando’s eyes fly open. There it is. That’s why it’s familiar. Mark has yelled at him in that broken voice before. Mark has used that broken voice around him a lot. And a part of him hates that broken voice. Can’t tolerate it. He has broken Mark’s voice. Is it because he told him to retire? Mark is still talking, but Fernando interrupts him. 

“Why did I tell you to retire?” Fernando asks, still staring at the ceiling.

“What?” Mark says, confused by Fernando’s constant subject changing. 

“I told you to retire. Why did I… Did I do that?” Fernando asks sleepily, a yawn interrupting his words as he closes his eyes. Mark watches him for a moment but Fernando still doesn’t open them. Panic shoots through him. Are head injury patients supposed to sleep? Mark remembers hearing something about that being a bad thing. He shakes Fernando’s shoulder violently and gets a grumpy early-in-the-morning Fernando that he hasn’t seen in so long. Too long. He finds that he actually misses this grumpy version of his husband. He craves to have to deal with it in the mornings again. Fernando keeps his eyes closed. 

“Fer, I think you need to stay awake.” Mark says, trying to keep the panic out of his voice. Fernando just huffs and rolls so his back is to Mark. Mark would smile at the normality of it all if he weren’t worried Fernando wouldn’t wake up if he fell asleep. Mark grabs his shoulder and rolls him back on his back. “Fernando, please.”

“Tired…” Fernando pouts, opening his eyes a little bit. 

“Just, let me go and get the doctor, yeah? Just let me check you’re OK before you go to sleep.” Mark says, getting to his feet and crossing the room. He can see Fernando is already nodding off again and darts from the room looking for Caio. Mark spins a few times before heading over to Stefano who is sitting alone. Stefano gives him a confused look. 

“What is the matter?” Stefano asks, getting to his feet and pushing his glasses back up his nose. He blinks his eyes a few times, revealing that he has just been asleep. Mark doesn’t pick up on it.

“Do you know where the doctor is?” Mark asks frantically.

“No, why? What has happened?” Stefano asks, his voice becoming more like Mark’s. Mark sighs, running his hands over his face. 

“He wants to sleep.” Mark says, dropping his hands. Stefano blows out a breath of relieved air and lets his shoulders drop. He smiles at Mark which confuses the Australian. Stefano places a hand on his shoulder and gives a little laugh.

“You had me panicked there, Mark. I thought something was wrong.” Mark just blinks at the happy Stefano.

“That’s not right, is it? He should be kept awake…No?”

“Has been a long day for him, Mark. He had a race and then a crash and now he has forgotten a load of his memories. Cut the boy some slack. There would be a problem if he was not tired.” Stefano smiles. Mark considers him for a moment. 

“I still want to check with the doctor-”

“-Before you do,” Stefano interrupts, putting an arm round Mark’s shoulders and leading him to the nurse’s desk. “I need to tell you something.” Stefano’s tone changes and looses its happy humour. Mark swallows. 

“What?”

“Do not get mad… But, He is downstairs and is demanding to come up.”

“No.” Mark says bluntly as soon as Stefano finishes speaking. He walks away from the Italian but Stefano falls into step beside him as they head to Caio’s office. 

“Mark, I know you do not want Him here. I do not want Him here. But you have got to understand-”

“-I’m not going to understand anything. He needs to understand that He is not welcome here.” Mark says, knocking on Caio’s door. 

“Mark-”

“No. Stefano. I’m not talking about it anymore. He’s not coming up. They’ve got to get my consent to let Him and I’m not going to give it.” Mark shoots Stefano a stern look before getting a ‘come in’ from Caio and walking into the office. Stefano walks back across the small waiting room and looks in at Fernando. The Spaniard doesn’t look any different – apart from the white gauze bandage around his forehead that is probably unnecessary. He looks like he’s asleep and, sending a quick look behind him to make sure Mark is still in Caio’s office, Stefano gently opens the door and lets himself into Fernando’s room. Stefano tries to be as quiet as possible, but as he closes the door Fernando stirs. Stefano freezes, not knowing whether or not to leave or stay. Before he has a chance to make a decision, Fernando speaks. 

“Is OK, Mark. Am not asleep.” Fernando says, very sleepily. Stefano smiles at him as he opens his eyes slowly. Fernando turns to the chair beside his bed but realises quickly no one is sitting there. He looks to the door and sees the man dressed in red with glasses smiling at him. He sits up, blinking a few times as he takes him in. Stefano takes a step forwards awkwardly running his hands nervously through each other – as if washing them - at his navel. 

“Am sorry. You probably cannot remember who I am.” Stefano says, stopping a few feet from Fernando’s bed. Fernando smiles back at him innocently, sitting up more in his bed. 

“Stefano. Stefano Domenicali.” Fernando says brightly. Stefano frowns at him. 

“You do remember?” Stefano asks, a little confused. Mark had said he couldn’t remember anything. Fernando looks down at his hands and blushes. 

“No, sorry. Cheated. Is on your shirt.” Fernando says, pointing to the name on Stefano’s shirt. Stefano laughs a little as he sits down next to Fernando in the seat only Mark had occupied so far. 

“Then let me introduce myself. Stefano Domenicali.” Stefano smiles, holding out his hand. Fernando smiles brightly back at him accepting it. 

“Assume you know who I am.” Fernando sighs tiredly as he lets go of Stefano’s hand. 

“What makes you so sure?” Stefano teases. Fernando points between the logo on his chest and Stefano.

“We match. You must know me.” Fernando relaxes back into his bed, his eyes feeling heavy again. But he’s interested to find out more about Stefano and why they match. He remembers the Italian voice on the radio. It’s not quite the same, but maybe that’s because He has only heard it over the radio. “You spoke to me.” 

“About anything in particular?” Stefano asks light-heartedly, looking over at Fernando’s broken phone. He pushes his glasses back up his nose. Fernando watches him like a curious child. 

“In the car. You told me to radio back from the steering wheel with all the buttons.”

“That was Andrea.” Stefano says softly, looking back to Fernando. 

“Oh.” Fernando says, feeling a little embarrassed. All of these people must know him and he’s just getting them confused as if four years doesn’t matter. Four years. That is almost half of what he’s forgotten. And who is this Andrea woman? 

“Andrea Stella is your race engineer. I am your Team principle.” Stefano smiles, picking up the broken phone. 

“Is this Andrea lady pretty?” Fernando jokes, smiling at Stefano. Stefano bursts into booming laughter that contaminates Fernando. Both of them sit laughing for a few minutes for a reason Fernando has no idea about. But he likes laughing with this man. Stefano holds his glasses just above his eyes to wipe away the tear that has escaped his eye before setting them back in there normal place and smiling at Fernando. 

“Andrea is a man.” Stefano breaths and Fernando laughs at himself. How stupid all of these people must think he now is. 

“Oops.” Fernando smiles as he watches Stefano examine his phone. “Is just, in Spain Andrea is a woman’s name.”

“In Italy is a mans.” Stefano says happily. “If I knew where he was I would get him in here.”

“Andrea is here?”

“He brought Mark down. Has gone off somewhere with something for Mark at the moment.” Stefano says, his smile sliding briefly from his face as he takes something in from the phone. Fernando doesn’t notice. He’s feeling sleepy again. And calm. This Stefano man makes him feel calm. He wonders why that is. He wants to ask. But he just feels so tired. Maybe he will remember everything in the morning and then he will never have to ask. Not have to look stupid. He hears Stefano put his phone down on the bedside table next to him and his eyes open. Fernando looks over to see Stefano standing up and Mark standing in the doorframe, holding the door open. Does Mark look angry? Fernando isn’t sure. 

“Where are you going?” Fernando asks Stefano, moving to sit up. Stefano places a hand on his shoulder.

“You’ve been asleep for twenty minutes.” Stefano says softly. Fernando rubs his eyes. 

“Sorry.”

“Do not apologise. Will let you rest.” Stefano pats his shoulder lightly before turning towards Mark and heading for the door.

“Will see you tomorrow?” Fernando asks brightly. Stefano looks to Mark before turning back to Fernando.

“Of course. Will bring Andrea too.” Stefano smiles and Fernando smiles back, resting down into the bed. Stefano walks out without another word to either Fernando or Mark. Mark closes the door loudly. 

“I’m sorry about that. I told him not to come in but he-”

“-You told him not to come in?” Fernando frowns. Why would Mark be banning people from his room? Maybe that is why Andrea had gone. “Why?”

“Fernando, you can’t remember anything. I didn’t want anyone to confuse you.” Mark says in a soft tone. Fernando’s head becomes torn again. Mark was only trying to help, making sure he was fine and not anymore confused than he already is but also Mark is stopping people from seeing him. What right did he think he had?

And who knows who he’s stopped coming in. For all you know you’ve got a whole room of people wanting to see you and Mark won’t let them in. They might help you remember. Mark obviously doesn’t want you to get your memory back. That’s so typically him. Trying to sabotage you.

Wait. What?

What is that voice? Fernando has never encountered that voice before. It sounds so… Pompous? It isn’t a nice voice and dread sets in his stomach as he worries it’s that man that he’s forgotten becoming. So now he thinks Mark is out to get him? Or is he the one with something out for Mark? He did persuade him to retire. What the hell happened between them? What happened to make him this manipulative, pompous, arrogant man? It is like he can’t trust anyone… Especially Mark.

Fernando pulls himself back to the here and now and realises Mark has turned him so he is sitting with his legs hanging off the side of the bed. And it slowly occurs to him that Mark is undoing his shirt and still talking in that soft soothing voice. And it’s taken Fernando so long to realise what Mark is doing is odd because it feels normal. As if that’s what every friend does. However, now Fernando is frowning at him, all the buttons of his shirt undone and hanging loosely around his sides. 

“Mark, what are you doing?” Fernando asks with a raised eyebrow. Mark looks up to him, hands resting on Fernando’s hips. Realisation suddenly spreads across the Australian’s face and he blushes rapidly, stepping away. 

“I’m… Err, sorry… I just… I don’t know I just think… And you didn’t say… and I-”

“-Is OK, Mark.” Fernando smiles, getting off the bed and picking up the boxers and plain shirt Mark has put on the end of the bed for him to change into. Fernando catches his shoulder as he crosses to the private bathroom. “Is funny; you are acting like the one who has forgotten things.” Fernando smiles as he walks into the little bathroom to change. Mark sighs as he sits on the chair and runs his hands over his face. How could he so easily let himself fall back a year? He hasn’t been that close to Fernando in ages. And actually touching him… He had lost himself in his words. And now he feels so stupid. There is, however, one fact that brings solace to his mind…

At least he didn’t kiss him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end of this chapter (the Stefano bit) is dedicated to Laikkonen because I now know how much you love him :P  
> I hope you enjoyed that bit (it was written especially for you and I was thinking of you when I wrote it) and it was how you would picture him in that situation. Don't worry, he's still coming back into this :P 
> 
> : )


	4. You Can't Just Kick Me Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Without communication, the situation will get a lot worse.

“Mark you cannot keep hiding things from him.”

“Is not fair.”

“How is he going to react when he finds out you have been hiding stuff?”

“He needs to be told, Mark.”

“The press are all outside the hospital waiting to ask him what happened when he leaves.”

“He will not understand if you do not tell him.”

“He has got to be told.”

“Maybe if you tell him he will remember.”

“Maybe he needs a push in the right direction and then he might remember.”

“I’m not telling him anything. He won’t find out I’m hiding stuff because no one is going to tell him. It doesn’t matter; he’ll remember in the morning. Everything will go back to normal.” Mark practically growls at Stefano and Andrea. Stefano sends a fleeting look at Fernando, who is now asleep, whereas Andrea folds his arms and glares at Mark. Mark meets his gaze. 

“And what if he does not?” Andrea spits. 

“Then he stays here another night until they find out why.”

“And what if they diagnose him as having permanent amnesia? You are just going to lie to him for the rest of his life?” Mark knows Andrea is referencing the divorce papers. Because if Fernando doesn’t remember then they no longer need to get a divorce. Mark turns back to Fernando’s room without answering Andrea’s question. Right now he doesn’t know what he’ll do if Fernando can’t remember. He sort of wants him to not but on the other hand if he doesn’t he won’t remember any of those wonderful memories. And Mark can’t work out which is more painful at the moment. Stefano touches his shoulder. 

“What about his phone. He has already call five or six times. Fernando will see it and ask who he is.” Stefano mutters lightly. Mark shakes his head. 

“Nothing about his phone. I’m fixing it.” Mark says, not turning away from Fernando but pulling the Spaniard’s phone from his pocket. Andrea’s jaw locks. 

“You took it from him.” Mark turns to face Andrea. 

“I’m fixing it.” Mark says sternly as he puts the damaged phone back into his pocket. Andrea can’t help but get mad at him. He’s reading Mark’s words in two way: He’s getting the phone fix or he’s fixing his problem with Fernando by not letting him have his phone and so not finding out what is really going on between them. 

“Give it to me.” Andrea says, holding his hand out to Mark. Mark frowns at him.

“What?”

“His phone. Give it to me.”

“No. I’m fixing it.” Mark says defensively. 

“You cannot just not tell him, Mark!”

“Look, Andrea, I’ve been told he’s going to remember everything in the morning. There is no point in doing anything until we know if that’s true or not. I’m not going over it again.” Mark sighs, moving over to the chairs outside Fernando’s room and sitting down heavily. Andrea sits next to him, watching him exasperate and run a hand through his hair. Andrea closes his mouth, deciding this one is best left alone. He squeezes Mark’s shoulder supportively before he gets up. 

“We will come back tomorrow morning.” Andrea says, throwing his car keys at Mark. “Stefano will take me back to the circuit to get your car, you take my car tonight; has your stuff in it.” Mark nods even though he knows he’s not going anywhere. Andrea and Stefano bid him goodnight before heading from the waiting room.

“Andrea!” Mark calls after them. Andrea stops and turns around, looking at Mark. “If He is still down there tell him to go home; He’s not coming up.” Mark sighs, leaning back in the chair. Andrea shoots Stefano an annoyed look before turning on his heels and leaving the ward. Stefano follows him, talking quietly in Italian. 

Mark differs between sitting and standing by Fernando’s window, watching him sleep. He looks so peaceful like this, Mark realises it’s been at least five months since he’s seen Fernando so peaceful. They had separated at the end of May but it had been weird at first. Neither of them really knew what to do with themselves without the other. It had been Fernando’s idea to try again over the summer break and that had lead to Mark’s ecstatic acceptance and the four-day trip to Spain for Fernando’s birthday in July. Mark had thought it had gone really well and that they were finally back on track to normality. They hadn’t seen anymore of each other over that lull in the season, but Mark was happily excited for the Belgium Grand Prix. That was until Fernando had found him in his cool down room before free practice one and handed him the divorce papers. Mark had gone mental initially; he couldn’t understand what had changed. The four-day trip to Spain was wonderful in his opinion… But that was when He came along and started to change everything. Including Fernando’s opinion of things – like Mark. He had persuaded Fernando that Mark was out to get him, everything that the Australian did had an alternative motive to try and humiliate him or get one over him. And Fernando believed Him. 

Mark really hated Him. 

As Mark is watching Fernando, standing by his window with his forehead resting against the glass, he sees him sit up with an annoyed expression on his face. Mark frowns in at him, trying to work out what is wrong. He doesn’t like the frowning Fernando; he misses the peaceful, as if carved by a sculptor just for him, Fernando. Mark leaves Fernando’s room in the search for a nurse.

Fernando can’t settle. The bed will not accommodate for his comfort. Something is missing but for the life of him he can’t place what it is. He picks up the black bag with the oval ‘o’ on it and roots through it, hoping to find something that is going to help him sleep. This is so ridiculous! He has never had trouble sleeping in the past. It’s always comes easily to him. Fernando sighs, giving up on the bag that arises more questions than it answers and puts it back on the floor. He falls heavily back into the soft pillows and closes his eyes, willing sleep to come to him. It doesn’t. Those fragments of memories just give him a taste of the life he leads now. But he can’t pin anything down. Nothing stays long enough to elaborate. It’s extremely frustrating. His fingers absent-mindedly fiddle with his skin, thinking its something that’s not there.

There are three soft taps on the door before it opens. All of the rooms are dark now, signifying it’s late and he should most definitely be asleep. Fernando sits up, hoping it’s Mark and he can explain some more. It’s not Mark. A nurse with blonde hair and dazzling bright blue eyes comes into the room. She crosses next to him and pushes gently on his shoulders until Fernando is lying down again. 

“How are you feeling?” she asks softly, wrapping the blood pressure sleeve around his arm. Fernando knows why she is here. She’s going to ask him three questions and he has to try and remember the answers to the questions. But her eyes have got him distracted. He knows those eyes… No? A weird kind of annoyance fills in his that he can’t explain. Fernando blinks his frown away before answering her.

“Good.”

“I’m glad.” The nurse smiles, pushing her stethoscope on the bend of his elbow. It’s only when she fills the sleeve with air that Fernando realises he absent-mindedly running his fingers over a small point on his neck, as if something is there. And it suddenly makes sense. Fernando waits for the nurse to finish writing things down. 

“What’s your name?” The nurse asks softly. Fernando sighs, having completely forgotten about the questions. 

“Fernando Alonso.”

“What year is it?”

“2013.” Fernando says in a bored manner. The nurse’s eyes widen a little. 

“You remember the year?” she asks, excitedly. Fernando swallows. He could tell her the truth; that Mark told him, or he could lie. With the prospect of getting out of here faster, he nods. “And how old are you?” She asks, the excitement still in her voice. Fernando freezes. He managed to avoid looking in the little mirror in the bathroom when he got changed. He doesn’t really want to see the thirty-two-year-old man looking back at him. Because he’s twenty-one. But it’s two thousand and thirteen. Fernando opens his mouth but no words come. The nurse pats him on the shoulder. “It’s alright. Don’t worry about it. You’re memory will return.” She smiles sweetly, adding another comment to her clipboard and then hangs it on the end of Fernando’s bed. “Mr Webber was worried you were uncomfortable. Is there anything I can do to help?” Fernando blinks at her, slightly shocked. His eyes fall to the window opposite him and he can just about seethe outline of someone outside. He assumes it’s Mark. He smiles at him before turning back to the nurse. 

“Am fine. Is he staying overnight?” Fernando asks, finding himself desperate for her to answer yes.

“I’m not sure what his plans are. He hasn’t asked to.” The nurse looks at Fernando’s sad eyes as she straightens out his pillow. “Do you want me to ask him to?” she asks softly. Fernando finds himself nodding before he even thinks about it. The nurse nods with a smile and turns to leave the room. 

“Wait!” Fernando says, reaching an arm out to her. The nurse turns back with the sweet smile on her face. Her blonde ponytail sweeps around to the back of her head and he finds her eyes focus on him and make him feel uneasy. He pushes those strange thoughts away. “I have a thing on, round my neck when I came. Do you know where it is?” Fernando asks, his hand rubbing around his neck. It is foreign now, knowing something is missing but not being sure what it is. The nurse smiles at him.

“I believe Mr Webber has this. I will send him in.” The nurse says sweetly before departing from the room. Fernando sighs deeply, watching the outlines outside the window. They both disappear for a little while and Fernando believes Mark has left. Mark obviously has had enough of him for one day. 

Of course. He left you when you most need him.

The voice he hears is recognisable. It’s the voice from the car, on the radio. Andrea. It’s Andrea’s voice. It’s horribly odd to be able to name someone that you’ve obviously known for a while but not be able to put a face to the name. Fernando fidgets though; the words make him uncomfortable. Like he’s lied to get them. Fernando doesn’t like it. It’s association to Mark. There is a soft click beside him and Fernando watches the door open and Mark walks in. Relief floods through his system and he smiles at Mark. Mark puts the bundle of bedding in his arms on the sofa before he crosses to Fernando and perches on the edge of his bed. Fernando subconsciously puts a hand on Mark’s leg, unaware that he has done so. Mark pushes the hair out of his face. 

“Hey.” Mark says softly. 

“Fancy seeing you here.” Fernando smiles, pushing slightly into Mark’s hand, which is resting on his cheek. 

“Apparently you’ve been asking for this…” Mark mutters, taking his hand from Fernando’s face reluctantly and pulling Fernando’s ring from his pocket. Mark keeps the ring within his hand and lets the chain hang down to Fernando. Fernando nods. “Do you remember what it is?” Mark asks, slightly hopefully. Fernando looks at Mark’s eyes before dropping his gaze to his hands, ashamed. He is obviously supposed to know what the significance of the chain is but he can’t place it. He just knows it’s weird to not have it round his neck. His left hand tingles slightly at the sight of it but he pushes it from mind. 

“No… Sorry…” Fernando sighs, not looking at Mark. Fernando hears Mark sigh sadly before his arms are wrapped round him. Fernando clings onto the back on his shirt as if Mark will disappear if he lets go. 

“It’s alright. You’ll remember soon.”

“What if I do not?” Fernando says, muffled into Mark’s neck. Mark pulls him closer.

“You will so that doesn’t matter. You are not just going to forget everything, alright?” Mark’s tone is a little desperate and Fernando felt himself melting into Mark’s embrace.

“Scared…” Fernando mutters. Mark rubs circles onto his back. It suddenly becomes very aware to Mark at how old this all feels. How, maybe ten years ago - or possibly even just over a year ago - this is how they would of acted around each other. But so much has changed now, and it overwhelms Mark. He pulls from Fernando’s grip and moves across to the sofa, setting out a bed. Fernando blinks, feeling more alone now than he did when the room was empty. Mark keeps his back to him, Fernando’s ring still held tightly in his hand. 

“Mark?”

“Yeah…” Mark says, focus on the bed he is making. Fernando lies down on his side and watches Mark’s back. 

“Why can I not sleep?” The question is so innocent and quiet it forces Mark to turn around. He moves over to Fernando and crouches down by his head. Fernando sighs as Mark’s hand easily finds Fernando’s hair. “Thought maybe was missing this…” Fernando says, rubbing his neck again. “But now I think is something else missing…” He lets his eyes close as he sinks into Mark’s touch. Fernando can’t understand the feeling or why Mark would be missing from his bed, but he’s decided if it leads to sleep he’s not going to question it. 

“What?” Mark whispers, his hand weaving it’s way naturally into Fernando’s hair. Fernando sighs, opening his eyes and looking deep into Mark’s. Mark knows what he thinks he can read there, but he’s not taking any chances. He needs Fernando to say it. Fernando doesn’t say anything though. He puts his hand over Mark’s on his face and pulls it off. Still looking into Mark’s eyes, Fernando pulls Mark’s hand towards him until Mark understands he’s read what Fernando has said correctly. Mark stands up and moves around to the other side of Fernando’s bed, climbing under the thin sheets and wrapping his arms around him protectively. Fernando curls into the side of his body and breathes a sigh of relief. Mark looks down at him but as soon as Fernando’s head rests on his chest, listening to the therapeutic beat of Mark’s heart, he falls asleep. Mark smiles, moving Fernando slightly to slide his ring back around his neck. Mark places his lips softly to Fernando’s forehead before pulling him closer and closing his eyes. 

\- - -

“Mark?” Fernando is in a dark room. It is a massive room with a large expanse of space in it. Empty, though. Fernando can hear his voice echoing back at him from the other side of the space. His feet scuff and echo off the floor and he feels so terribly lost. He can’t find Mark. Mark was here a moment ago… He thinks. Maybe Mark isn’t here at all. Maybe Mark has put him in this dark room and locked him here to spend the rest of his life. He doesn’t know why. He doesn’t understand. Why, Mark? Why have you locked me here?  Fernando takes a few steps forwards, his hands reaching in front of him. Why is he even here? Nothing makes sense. Nothing can be understood. “Mark!” Fernando calls, even though he has already worked out Mark isn’t here. If only he could find the light switch. Everything would make sense then. 

“See? He keeps doing this! Why can’t you see?” A voice that can’t be recognised calls though the darkness. A phone starts ringing. It’s light flashes up on the other side of the room and Fernando runs for it. He’s sprinting, feeling the pain of a stich ripping down his side. But he doesn’t stop running. The phone keeps ringing, the sound of the ringtone getting louder and louder, penetrating his every thought. Fernando pushes himself forwards but the phone isn’t getting closer. Further and further away as if he’s running from it. But he’s not. He wants to get to the phone. He wants to answer the call. 

“Please!” He yells, throwing himself forwards and onto the floor. He hits the hard metallic surface painfully and his arms feel weak. He can’t push himself back up. “Mark…” He calls, desperately searching for some kind of explanation. 

“Please, Fernando… If you can hear me just buzz the radio.” That voice calls again. The voice he knows belongs to Andrea, even if he can’t remember who Andrea is. But there is no radio. It’s all dark. Fernando can’t see a thing. He wants Mark. He wants Mark to come back and unlock the door. 

“You are not happy. We are not happy. Maybe it is the best option.” Fernando hears his own voice and then he sees him: Mark standing solemnly a little distance from him. But he still can’t get up. He tries with all the energy he can muster but his arms won’t push him from the floor. The words “Not happy” echo around him and he screams at them to go away. They mock him. 

So, so unhappy. 

“He left you when you most need him.” Mark wouldn’t look at him. Andrea’s voice echoed around the room, bouncing back at him, tangling with the other words and pressing him into the floor. Fernando shook his head rapidly. 

“Are wrong! I push him away!” Fernando sobs, trying to reach for Mark. He is so close but Fernando’s body is like a repelled magnet from him. It’s taking all of Fernando’s efforts to stay where he is. 

“That’s so typically him. Trying to sabotage you.” It isn’t Fernando’s voice that he hears. It is the same voice that spoke first. It burns into him, making him want to run from Mark at the same time as run to him. Fernando clings to the floor, trying not to be sick. 

“Please, Mark! Help me!” Fernando cries, feeling something grab his ankle. He is pulled away from Mark, kicking and screaming. Thrashing out at the floor. But Mark doesn’t turn. Mark doesn’t even react. And now Fernando can push himself up with his arms but he’s being dragged away so quickly. He tries to get up, getting one foot flat on the floor, but he is thrown down onto the ground with a smack that echoes around the hall. Mark still doesn’t react. He’s watching something else… Waiting for someone? Fernando’s yells echo around him, killing any logic that tries to arise. Fernando panics, screaming for Mark. 

Suddenly he’s thrown backwards and he lands softly on a bed. There are delicate arms around him and he breathes deeply. Mark. Mark is holding him close. He pushes into the hold but feels like he’s falling. He does, clatters onto the bed as if Mark isn’t even there. Fernando recognise the room he’s now in as the one that flashed in his memory when Lorena wouldn’t answer his calls. But it is different. Fernando has the wedding ring, and it’s glinting and shining in the light. And Mark is yelling at him. Yelling with no words. As if someone has put him on mute. But Fernando can’t take it. He feels like he’s melting into the bed. He clamps his hands on his ears as it happens. Mark smashes like a sheet of glass and crumples onto the floor. Fernando screams and he sits forwards to see the remains of Mark. He doesn’t see anything but darkness and then he’s falling downwards, constantly falling. It’s dark. Dark for a long time with just those words. Those words that don’t mean anything. 

You are not happy.

I’m not going anywhere. 

So typical him. 

See? He keeps doing this! 

We are not happy. 

Left you when you need him most. 

You can’t just kick me out! 

Why can’t you see? 

Please, Fernando…

Trying to sabotage you. 

Buzz the radio! 

Ten fucking years. 

You won’t see? What do you mean you won’t see? 

I promise, Fernando. 

I’m not wrong! You’re clouding you vision with his opinion! I’m on the outside, I can see what he’s doing. 

I’m sorry? 

He’ll hurt you! 

Get the fuck out of my house! 

Maybe it is the best option. 

All of the words are swimming in Fernando’s head. Hurting, pulling, stretching his thoughts and he feels like his head is about to explode. Where he had felt lost in space he now feels like everything is trying to cram itself into his head. But there is not enough space. Fernando tries to reason with some of the words. Tell them they’re wrong. But they all ignore him. Voices he recognises and voices he doesn’t recognise scream at him in hurtful and harsh tones. He tries to hold onto Mark’s words but they all slide into the distance, just out of his reach.

\- - 

“Shh… It’s alright, Fernando… It’s Ok…” Mark mutters into Fernando’s ear as the Spaniard’s body shivers in trepidation. Fernando’s eyes are clamped shut and Mark is trying to get him to wake up, realise it’s all just a dream. Fernando’s hands have a vice-like grip on Mark’s shoulders and Mark can feel where Fernando’s nails are digging into his skin. Fernando is yelling and trying to thrash his arms out but Mark is holding him still. “Please, Fernando…” Mark mutters, feeling the lump clamp in his throat. He can’t do anything. He can’t leave to get a nurse or a doctor because he can’t leave Fernando. “Everything is fine. I need you to wake up now. Everything is fine. I promise, Fernando, everything is fine.” Mark rocks Fernando slowly and gently, trying to will him back to reality. Fernando’s breathing shudders and his grip on Mark’s shoulders tighten as he buries his face in Mark’s chest. Mark rubs his back.

Fernando can feel the pull of Mark’s voice dragging him out of the darkness. And the horrible contact to the floor from the fall doesn’t come. Two men’s faces swim in his mind and Fernando can’t open his eyes. One he can’t name but the other is too clear. He reaches for Jenson’s face but it twists into a horrific smirk, tantalising and smug. And Fernando hates it. The second face starts calling for Fernando with no voice. As he feels Mark’s arms around him, the blonde nurse moves towards him in his minds eyes, adopting the same expression Jenson wore. But she’s not the nice friendly nurse. Her face is disfigured and her blonde hair is receding back into her skull. Those blue eyes flash and Fernando rips his eyes open, dropping heavily back into the little hospital room with one three lettered word briefly on his tongue. He lets it out in fear of it festering inside him, no idea what it means. 

“Seb…” Fernando whispers, clinging to Mark tighter. His eyes take in the dark shirt Mark is wearing and he pushes himself closer to it, feeling the muscles of Mark’s navel as normality. Mark looks down at him, trying to pull him closer. 

“Fernando?” Mark asks tentatively. Fernando doesn’t move in fear of breaking Mark. In fear of suddenly lying in a pile of glass and all the yelling returning. His head throbs. “Fernando, it was just a dream.”

“Dream…” Fernando repeats, his skin feeling itchy. He doesn’t know whether to pull Mark closer or push him away. His head hurts and he can’t focus on anything. “Time?”

“About half eight in the morning, mate.” Mark says, checking his watch. “You’ve been asleep for hours.” Fernando nods, feeling like he’s been asleep for about twenty minutes. 

“Have you been asleep?”

“I was, until someone started trying to tear my arm off…” Mark adds as a joke. Fernando doesn’t find it funny. He rolls off Mark and lies on his back, instantly missing the warmth of a second body. Mark sits up and looks at him. “What was your dream about?” Fernando just shakes his head. 

“Confusing.”

“You were shaking with fear, mate… It was just a dream…” Mark says softly. Fernando nods; even though it was a dream, Fernando knows it was snippets of the memories he has forgotten. And that fills him with fear because he doesn’t know if he wants the context behind those words. Mark yelling in that broken, hurt voice, the unknown man’s voice telling him things he didn’t want to hear, and the worst: Lorena screaming at him, a voice with no forgiveness and pure rage…

Get the fuck out of my house!

Fernando wants to go home. He doesn’t like it here in the hospital anymore; those snippets creep into his mind unexpectedly from the clinical walls. He wants his own bed and his own kitchen and his own food. He sits up, turning to Mark. 

“Hungry.” Fernando lies. Mark nods at him.

“Ok, do you want me to go and get you something?”

“Please.” Mark smiles and gets out of the bed, walks over to the door and opens it. “I’ll be ten minutes, tops.” Mark smiles as he disappears from the room. As the door closes and Fernando sees Mark pass the little window, Fernando gets up and grabs his bag, heading to the bathroom. He closes the door and unzips the bag, throwing things out of it in his rush to get his clothes. He pulls out the Ferrari shirt, jeans and the white trainers and puts them on the floor. His body suddenly starts to take over his movements as they fall into a routine and he finds a small black bag, unzipping it and pulling out a deodorant can, a flannel and some sort of face wash. He stands with his back to the mirror taking deep breaths.

Come on, what are you doing? Since when have you been afraid of your reflection! 

“Maybe since have lost ten years of my life.” Fernando mutters to himself. The little voice that keeps pushing him to do things doesn’t stop until he turns around and take in his appearance. His hair is longer than it was but at least it is not blonde. It’s still the natural brunette colour it has always been. His skin seems to be as smooth as it was ten years ago, but it’s his eyes that have caught his attention. Tired, stressed, fed up. And that is not just off the back of one bad night’s sleep. Before Fernando has a chance to take in anymore of himself he is squirting a little bit of the face wash onto the flannel and washing his face. He runs the sink full of warm water and cups it in his hands letting it trickle down his face. Next he pulls his shirt over his head and that’s when he catches a glimpse of it over his shoulder. It’s quite difficult to miss it because it takes up most of the top of his back. Fernando stands with his back to the mirror and his head turned over his shoulder to look at it: the samurai tattoo on his back. He frowns at it for a moment, trying to work out what would have made him get such a striking, bold tattoo before he sprays himself with the deodorant and changes quickly. The soft fabric of the Ferrari shirt feels comforting but foreign on his skin as he moves back into the main room and begins packing up his bag. The blonde nurse comes in.

“What are you doing?”

“Can remember everything now,” Fernando lies with a smile, trying not to let all of the questions flying around his head break his act. “Feel fine. Is nothing wrong with me, this means I can go?” Fernando asks hopefully. The nurse sits him back on the bed.

“Let me get the doctor.” She smiles softly and leaves him alone in the room. Fernando resumes his packing and then ties his trainers onto his feet. He swings his bag onto his back, his hat on his head even though he didn’t used to particularly like wearing one, as Caio walks into the room with the blonde nurse. Fernando’s eyes find her and that three-lettered word with no meaning resonates in his head again.

Seb.

“It appears you feel fine, Fernando. Rosaline has told me that you said you can remember everything again.” Caio asks softly. Fernando nods. “Alright, well we just have to do a few tests but if you’re all Ok then we can discharge you.” Caio says, indicating for Rosaline to check his blood pressure. As she does, Caio asks Fernando some questions. 

“What’s your name?”

“Fernando Webber-Alonso.” Fernando swallows, unsure as to why he got Mark’s surname stuck in his head. He hopes his correction would not give away the fact he still didn’t remember anything. Caio looks at him impressed. 

“What year is it?”

“2013.”

“And how old are you?”

“Thirty-two.” Fernando says, trying to sound as confident as he could. Caio sends Rosaline a look as she takes the blood pressure sleeve off his arm. He gets a pencil torch out and shines it in Fernando’s eyes. 

“Why don’t you tell me about yesterday.” Caio requests, flicking the touch from the middle of Fernando’s eye and out. He repeated the motion in the other eye. 

“Spun the car. Hit the wall. It was the Brazilian Grand Prix and was running third.” Caio shut off the touch and put it back in his pocket. 

“And what about before-” Fernando interrupts Caio, knowing he won’t be able to answer that question. 

“-I remember winning in 2005, 2006. And moving to Ferrari four years ago. And Mark and Raquel. I remember. I remember everything.” Caio gives him a suspicious look. “Some things are still a little hazy, for sure, but I remember. I do remember.” Fernando watches Caio closely, looking for the sign he is free to go. Caio picks up his clipboard from the end of the bed and studies it. 

“If you feel fine and are sure your memory is sufficiently back then you can go. Rosaline will discharge you.” Caio says, signing the bottom of the paperwork on the clipboard. Fernando stands and smiles at Rosaline who nods and opens the door for him. Fernando walks out with relief and over to the nurses desk. Rosaline disappears behind it and comes back with more paperwork he needs to sign. Fernando rests the pen against the page and signs a squiggle he doesn’t recognise. He’s glad his hand seems to know what it’s doing and accepts the second page. 

“Fernando?” The Italian voice from the car calls. Fernando turns, pen poised to sign himself to freedom to see two men heading towards him. The Stefano man he spoke with yesterday coming with the one who spoke. Andrea. Fernando turns back to the form and signs it.

“Come back if you feel bad, OK?” Rosaline says as she files away the paperwork and Andrea stops beside Fernando. Fernando doesn’t turn to face him. 

“Excuse me.” Fernando says, ducking his head. Andrea catches his arm.

“What is going on?” Stefano asks, frowning at Fernando. Fernando looks up at him. 

“Am leaving.” Andrea looks to Stefano concerned.

“Who am I?” Andrea asks, turning Fernando to look at him. Fernando swallows. 

“Andrea. Andrea Stella.” Fernando says in a small voice. Andrea looks surprised. 

“I told him yesterday that you were here with me.” Stefano says and Andrea frowns at Fernando. Fernando rolls his eyes, folding his arms and silently curses Stefano for giving him away.

“Do you even know who I am?” Andrea fires at Fernando.

“Yes.” Fernando exasperates. 

“When’s my birthday?” Andrea asks evenly. Fernando’s eyes widen; this is obviously something else he should know. He looks to Stefano for help but Stefano is watching him curiously. 

“I…”

“Do not know.” Andrea says, turning to get one of the nurse’s attentions. Fernando grabs his arm and pulls him away. 

“Am fine. Want to go home now.” Fernando mutters lowly to Andrea. Stefano crosses the hall with them. 

“Does Mark know you are discharged?” Stefano asks. Fernando shakes his head. 

“Then how are you getting out of here?” Andrea asks. 

“Bus? I do not know but I will find a way back to the hotel.”

“Which is called?” Andrea pushes. Fernando feels anger instantly pool into him. Why can’t Andrea just help him? Fernando lets go of his arm and moves down the hallway, leaving the two of them behind. Andrea runs a hand through his hair, turning to Stefano. “What do we do?”

“We cannot let him go downstairs alone; He’s  down there.” Stefano says, already moving towards Fernando.

“Fucking hell, Mark…” Andrea mutters, exasperating his anger that the Australian hasn’t filled Fernando in about anything. He follows Stefano down the hall. 

\- - -

Mark is walking from the hospital café, holding Fernando and his breakfast, and passes the front desk he stood at last night. He sees the woman he yelled at standing behind it and instantly felt bad. It wasn’t her fault the hospital had the stupid policy. And in the end she had let both Andrea and Mark go up, even Stefano when he arrived. And she had kept Him away. Mark crosses to her with a pleasant smile. She looks up from her computer and returns it. 

“I wanted to apologise for my rudeness last night.” Mark sighs. The woman shakes her head slightly at him, still smiling.

“I am used to it. People come in here in a state of panic usually. It’s what you get for working as an emergency receptionist.” Mark smiles at her as she turns back to her computer. He feels that just leaving it there would be a bit rude and he knows Fernando is in safe hands. He leans forwards to her.

“Well, I’m sorry anyway.” Mark sighs. The woman looks around her, checking no one is watching them.

“And I’m sorry for not recognising you. Of course I knew you were Mr Alonso’s husband. So much was going on and-”

“-It’s quite alright. I understand.” Mark laughs lightly. The receptionist returns to her computer. 

“I think it’s very sweet.” She says. Mark gives her a small frown. 

“What is…” Mark’s eyes drop to her nametag briefly before returning to her face. “…Sonia?”

“How much you care for him, even though you’re-”

“-Some things can’t be signed away.” Mark says, leaning back away from Sonia. He doesn’t really want to go into his divorce with a hospital receptionist. He doesn’t really want to go into his divorce with anyone. Sonia sends him a looks of sympathy before returning her eyes to her computer. 

“I was so sad when I read the report. You two seem so… Right? I can’t think of the word. Nothing seemed to be wrong though. It was odd. One day you were happy and the next you just… Weren’t… At least, that’s how it was perceived to the public.” Sonia spews her opinion out in front of Mark and Mark doesn’t really want to see it. He knows she’s fishing to try and find out what went wrong, but he’s definitely not talking to anyone about that. Maybe not even Fernando if he can’t remember. Mark changes the subject. 

“So, can you tell me if they’re running anymore tests on him today or do I have to go up there and make a fuss?” Mark smiles, although hidden behind his joke is the serious question. Sonia smiles at him. 

“I’ll have a look.” Mark waits patiently as Sonia clicks away at the computer screen. “Oh… It appears he’s been discharged.” Sonia smiles thinking that the news is good news. Mark’s smile drops off his face.

“What?”

“It says that Dr Lymiss was happy with the patients mental state and felt that the patient was ready to be discharged.” Sonia says, the happiness in her voice faltering a little. 

“What did he do?” Mark asks, finding himself leaning closer to the computer. 

“Dr Lymiss probably asked him a series of questions about his past and was happy Mr Alonso could remember everything.” Sonia shrugs. Mark shakes his head a bit, knowing exactly what Fernando had done. 

“No. He can’t remember anything. I told him a load of stuff yesterday and he’s probably just repeated that. He’s not ready to leave. Can you find out what he told Dr Lymiss? I can confirm if I told him or not.” Mark asks, his voice becoming a little panicked. Sonia turns her head slightly away from Mark. 

“Ask him yourself.” She says softly, pointing in the direction of the lifts. Mark turns round to see Fernando emerging on his own with his cap pushed low over his eyes and his rucksack on his back. Mark strides over to him with purpose. Fernando doesn’t see him coming and looks around confused as Mark grabs his arm.

“Mark-”

“-What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Mark growls in a low voice, pulling Fernando to a stop. Fernando swallows, feeling tiny under Mark’s intense glare.

“I-”

“-You better really remember or I’m taking you straight back upstairs.” Mark’s voice became no less intense. Fernando’s voice broke on his small sentence.

“Want to go home.” Mark’s anger rushes out of him as he looks down at this scared and vulnerable Fernando. He can’t stand seeing Fernando so weak. He’d prefer the stony Fernando who barely spoke two words to him to this. 

“But… But you can’t remember anything… What if, if they missed something and you’re not-”

“-You will help me. I know this. Please, Mark… Want to go home. Do not like this anymore.” Fernando mutters, his voice barely above a whisper. Mark pulls him into a tight embrace and feels Fernando’s arms snake around his waist, clinging tighter. As Mark tips his head to push his lips to Fernando’s forehead, the two Ferrari employees tumble from the lift and Mark lets go of the Spaniard instead. Andrea crosses straight to Mark. 

“Mark, he-” Andrea starts, pointing at Fernando. Fernando shrinks behind Mark a little, not looking at either of the Italians. 

“-I know.” There is a pause where Andrea looks at Mark sceptically. Mark takes a deep breath. “I’m taking him home.”

“What!” Andrea outbursts in a disbelieving tone. Stefano touches his shoulder.

“Which home?” Stefano asks in an even tone. Fernando frowns, looking up at Mark for some kind of explanation. He had more than one home? Fernando couldn’t understand why he would need more than one house. He couldn’t think of moving out from Spain. He loved the country so much. 

“Our home.” Mark says definitively. 

“Mark, you are just going to confuse him more!” Stefano pleas as Mark turns away, touching Fernando’s shoulder so he follows. 

“Everything is there, Stefano: all the memories. Surely it’s the quickest way. It’s only going to help. If he immerses himself in it all-”

“-Or he will not understand more and you will confuse him by not giving him correct answers.” Andrea spits. Mark stops walking and turns back to him.

“I will only answer any question he asks truthfully.” Mark says in a stern voice. Stefano sighs, moving over to Fernando and Mark. No one else says anything as Stefano leads them towards the front entrance. Mark, Andrea and Stefano take one look at the press waiting outside before knowing the front exit in unusable. “He’s not ready for that.” Mark comments and Andrea and Stefano nod.

“Ready for what?” Fernando asks, trying to look past Mark’s shoulder. 

“The press.” Mark answers. Fernando shrinks back behind him.

“We will use the back. My car is not parked far from there.” Andrea says with a nod to himself. He turns to Mark. “You take my car and Fernando back to the hotel, Stefano and I will take your car and Stefano’s back and meet you there.” Both Mark and Stefano nod and turn to head out the back. 

But that is when it happens. 

“Fernando?” Someone calls from across the room and Fernando turns round. He sees him easily; the man pushing through the crowd congregated at the front desk to get closer to them. Fernando doesn’t recognise him but he places his face as one he saw in his dream with Jenson, yelling with no voice. He suddenly feels awkward standing at such a close proximity to Mark, but the urge to run to and away from the advancing man keep him rooted to the spot. Mark sends Andrea and Stefano an alarmed look before grabbing Fernando’s wrist. “Mark, don’t you dare!” 

Andrea stays behind as Mark pulls Fernando away from the man, towards the fire exit at the back of the hospital. Fernando hears Andrea frantically trying to calm the mystery man down but the guy isn’t having any of it. Fernando’s heart pangs unpleasantly at the strangled calls of his name following him down the corridor. Twice he stops to turn around and run back, but Mark’s continuous movement pulls him back beside the Australian. 

“I thought we got rid of Him last night.” Mark growls to Stefano as they push through the fire door and out into the car park.

“He was never going anywhere, Mark. You would be stupid to think He would have left.” Stefano breathes. Mark lets go of Fernando’s wrist and leads him over to Andrea’s car. He waits for Fernando to have settled into the passenger seat before he closes the door and turns to Stefano. 

“What are we going to do?”

“There is nothing to do. Fernando will either remember or find out about Him sooner or later and you will have to respect his decision when that time comes.” Stefano sighs, seeing the repulsion of that idea in Mark’s eyes. “Is not what any of us want but we have to respect what Fernando wants.”

“Andrea wants things back to normal. He can’t wait to get me away from Fernando again.” Mark seethes, glaring at the floor. 

“You will be surprised. Andrea hates Him as much as you do. But we all have to understand is what Fernando wants.” Stefano patted Mark’s shoulder before walking away, back towards the hospital. “Now get out of here before we give the press even more drama.” Stefano says lightly. 

“See you back at the hotel.” Mark calls as Stefano disappears back into the building. He moves round the car and climbs in next to Fernando. Mark drops their breakfast in Fernando’s lap. “Eat yours if you want, I’ll have mine later.” Fernando looks at the paper bags of food in his lap guiltily as Mark adjusts the chair. The Australian starts up the engine before he looks back over to Fernando who hasn’t moved. It suddenly all makes sense. “You’re not at all hungry, are you? You just needed me out of the room for a while because you knew I would tell Caio I’d told you all of that stuff, didn’t you?” Mark asks. Fernando looks up at him, opening his mouth to ask how Mark found out about that, but the reproachful look Mark is giving him drops his gaze back to his lap.

“Just… Want to go home…” Fernando sighs, resting the side of his head on the window. 

“Soon, mate. I promise.”

I promise. 

I’m not wrong! You’re clouding you vision with his opinion! I’m on the outside; I can see what he’s doing. 

Mark’s soft words are followed in quick succession by those angry words in the voice that he now connects to the mystery man who had called for him. Fernando’s head throbs painfully and he just wants this all over. Just wants to be at home in bed, talking about how he totally mess up that last race. How he was going to be better next time. How he would tried and persuade Lorena to think about the cars and not just focus on who she thought was the most attractive… Lorena…

Get the fuck out of my house!

“Who was that man?” Fernando asks, revealing clearly to Mark that he still doesn’t remember anything. Mark sighs as he looks over his shoulder, reversing out of the space. “Mark?”

“Ask me later.” Mark says, changing gear. Fernando frowns at him a little and Mark gives him a fleeting look before moving the car slowly again, still getting out of the parking space. “It’s not really the best time for you to find out. I need to explain some… Some other things first. But I promise, once we’re home.”

I promise… 

He’ll hurt you!

Mark’s voice can’t echo alone anymore. It is constantly companioned with the mystery man’s angry tone. Fernando shakes the thought away. 

“Why do I have more than one home, anyway?” Fernando asks. Mark sighs. 

“Fernando, just wa-”

“-And what did I do to make Lorena kick me out of her-”

“-Just ask me this all later, yeah?” Mark snaps unintentionally. Fernando swallows and looks out of the window. The strangled cry of his name ripples through his body and he feels like he’s being torn in two. Half of him wanting to stay in the car with Mark, the other half wanting to run from the car, back to the unfamiliar man. Fernando hates the man he has turned into. Someone who can easily pull at other people’s emotions. He remembers Mark and how sad he had been when he was talking about his wedding and now the cry of the mystery man. Fernando hates himself. Has he hardened so much that he doesn’t care about who he stands on anymore? Fernando rests his head back on the headrest, wanting the answers to too many questions. “Put your head down.” Mark requests softly. Fernando turns and frowns at him. 

“What?” Fernando asks, perplexed. Mark faces him and gives a little push on Fernando’s shoulder. 

“Keep your head down.” Fernando leans forwards until his navel is resting on his thighs and Mark turns the car, gradually picking up speed. The flash of too many cameras fill the car as they pass the front of the hospital and Fernando is glad he has his head down. Once they are out of the enclosure of press Fernando sits back up and sighs heavily, letting his head roll back onto the headrest. Mark’s hand, that was on the gear stick, gravitates towards Fernando’s legs and he rests it gently on Fernando thigh. Fernando doesn’t brush it away; he barely notices the, what he should think is odd, movement.

“Hey.” Mark says softly. Fernando sends him a sad glance. “Don’t worry now; everything is going to be Ok.”


	5. Tú Eres Mi Todo, Fernando, Y Yo Te Amaré Siempre.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of things are left needing an explanation.

“What is that?” Fernando asks again, turning to look in the back of the car with irritation clear in his voice as the weird music continues to play. 

“What’s what, mate?” Mark asks, not taking his eyes off the road. Fernando turns back so he is looking at Mark. 

“You can hear, no?” Fernando suddenly becomes aware that maybe the music is in his head. Mark sends him a quick frown before turning back to the road. 

“The music?”

“Yes!” Fernando exclaims in relief. However, Mark sends him a more worried look.

“That’s your ringtone, Fer…” Mark mutters. Fernando blushes. 

“Oh…”

“You really still can’t remember anything, can you.” Mark shakes his head a little, anger clear in his tone and tightened grip on the steering wheel. “That’s it. I’m taking you back.” Mark flicks the indicator and heads down a quiet road to the left. Before he can turn the wheel though Fernando switches the indicator off. The car behind them hoots angrily. 

“Take me home.” Fernando says, hand still on the indicator. Mark pulls up and stops the car. 

“Fernando, you can’t remember anything!” Mark exasperates. Fernando sits back and folds his arms. 

“Can.” He mutters quietly. 

“Alright then, tell me who won the last race? Tell me who won the Championship? Tell me what you had planned to do tomorrow?” Mark fires at him. Fernando shrinks back into his chair and starts to panic. These are all thing he should be able to remember. Simple little facts. But he can’t. And it irritating and annoying and so confusing he feels like he wants to scream and pull at his hair. Mark touches his shoulder lightly. “Fernando, I’m worried. I don’t understand why you can’t remember. Let me take you back.” But how ever confusing it is it is not as bad as sitting in that fucking bed, not being able to get up and do anything for himself, always being watched by someone. Fernando shakes his head. 

“Take me home.” He repeats and Mark sighs. 

“Fernando, you’re not-”

“Take me home or I will walk.” Fernando opens his door and unclicks his seatbelt, placing one foot on the floor. He watches Mark for a moment, but when the Australian makes no sign of relenting Fernando huffs. “Fine.” Fernando pushes himself from the car but Mark grabs hold of his arm and pulls him back in. 

“Fine, Fernando…. I’ll take you home-”

“-Thank you.”

“Only if you promise to go and see someone once we are there.” Mark says, offering a compromise. Fernando just looks at him, his wedding ring glistening in the sunlight. With a sigh, Fernando nodded and Mark started the car up again. 

“Promise, Mark.”

Promise, Mark. And will never break this promise…

I know, mate. I get it, you hate breaking promises…

Never make a promise I cannot keep. 

So you don’t think he’s more attractive than me?

No one is more attractive than you. Am with you. Surely this is proof enough.

Fernando’s eyes glaze over as the memory comes into more focus. He can suddenly envision Mark and him, pressed closely into a corner, his arms looped tightly around Mark’s neck and Mark’s resting on his hips. Fernando closes his eyes and falls into the memory.

There is a party going on. Something has happened and for some reason it is being celebrated. The finer details are lost because the only thing Fernando is focusing on is Mark, and the way their bodies are pressed close together in the confined area. Fernando can feel the eyes of other people on them but he doesn’t care. He wants the world to know what he’s got, wants them to feel envious of him. And his proudness is another way to banish Mark’s insecurities. Fernando knows Mark has always felt he’s not good enough, ever since Annie left him. But Fernando can’t think of anyone more deserving of his love. Fernando rests his forehead on Mark’s, sending warm breath across his face, and the frown slowly lifts off Mark’s face. 

“Say it…” Mark mutters in a velvety voice. Fernando knows exactly what he is asking for, but his face heats up and Mark smirks as he feels Fernando blush. 

“No, Mark… Too many people…” Fernando replies breathlessly, Mark’s body slowly rubbing closer to his. He can feel his face is now as red as his shirt. Mark presses his lips gently just below Fernando’s ear, kissing the skin there and making the Spaniard shiver pleasantly. 

“Please… Say it for me…” Mark mutters in a soft, arousing voice. Fernando’s eyes roll shut and his lips part slightly as Mark kisses down his neck. 

“You are the insecure paranoid one, should say this to me.” Fernando says, pulling Mark’s face back to his, all too aware of how many people are around. Mark smirks at him. 

“Only if you say it back…” Mark sucks gently on the skin just below Fernando’s ear again and Fernando grips the back of Mark’s shirt tightly. He nods and Mark relents, pushing their foreheads together again and nuzzling at Fernando’s face. 

“Tú eres mi todo, Fernando, y yo te amaré siempre.” Mark mutters and Fernando pushes their lips together, hungrily pulling Mark closer and feeling the overwhelming bubble of affection swamping through him. Mark pushes him closer to the wall, his hands tangling into his hair. When Mark pulls away from him an impatient little noise comes from Fernando’s throat. Mark just smirks at him a little, resting their foreheads together once more and looking into Fernando’s eyes with big, lust-filled pools of hazel. Though the hazel is instantly sucked into darkness as Fernando opens his mouth and says the words he’s said so many times. 

“Fernando?” Mark asks, his voice soft and concerned. Fernando pulls his eyes open with those words of reply resting on his lips. He glances over at Mark who is looking at him, waiting for the red light to change. “Are you Ok?” Fernando doesn’t say anything. He just looks at Mark, trying to work out how the memory fit into his life. It was so weird, but looking at Mark it all just seemed to make sense. Mark’s frown intensifies the longer Fernando looks at him. Mark only looks away, reluctantly, when the lights turn green. Fernando looks forwards and the words push themselves off his lips.

“Te amaré hasta el fin del mundo, Mark. Mi corazón pertenece a usted.” Fernando sighs contently, loving the way his tongue wraps around the words. Probably not the cleverest thing to say to an unsuspecting Mark though. Mark slams his foot on the brake and throws them both forwards a little, looking over at Fernando with wide eyes in shock, mingled into a frown. Furious hoots of a horn come from behind him but Mark doesn’t take his eyes off Fernando. 

“What did you say?” Mark’s tone is slightly furious and Fernando doesn’t understand. Maybe Mark doesn’t understand the words Fernando had said. Maybe he thought they were an insult. Fernando blushes as he turns his head to look out the back window. 

“You have to move, Mark. Are holding everyone up.” Fernando mutters, not looking at Mark as he turns back to face forwards. Mark breathes angrily through his nose and throws the car forwards, speeding down the bending road towards the hotel. Fernando shoots Mark a panicked and confused look. 

“Why those words?” Mark says through gritted teeth. Fernando notes his eyes are pooling with tears. Angry tears. 

“Am sorry…” Fernando mutters, feeling the need to hide. Mark still doesn’t take his eyes off the road. 

“No. You have to explain. Is that a coincidence or did you remember them?” Mark spat in Fernando’s direction. 

“Why are you angry?”

“Did you remember the words?” 

“Mark, are scaring me.” 

“Did you remember the words?”

“Please, slow down.”

“Did. You. Remember. The. Words?” Mark’s jaw is locked and his eyes are threatening to spill all over his face with one blink. Fernando can’t take his eyes off him. How could thirteen Spanish words have this much of an effect on Mark? “Fernando!” Mark barks at him, but Fernando can’t find his voice. 

“I…”

“It’s coincidence.” Mark states, slowing the car down significantly. “You can’t remember anything. You’ve told me you can’t remember anything. You probably don’t even understand the-” Mark stops himself talking with an angry exasperation. He is talking to himself more than Fernando as he pulls the car to a stop in front of a hotel. Fernando goes to get out of the car when Mark grips his arm tightly. “Don’t say that again.” He bites, bluntly, before climbing quickly from the car. Fernando watches him take both of their bags from the back and throw his keys at the valet. Fernando slides uncomfortably from the car and follows Mark’s quickly retreating figure into the hotel. He doesn’t stop to take anything in; he just picks up a jog to catch up to Mark, waiting for him by the lifts. 

“Mark, I-”

“-I don’t want to hear it, Fernando.” Mark turns away from him, jabbing his finger into the call lift button impatiently.

“Mark, you don’t-”

“-Fernando?” Fernando turns at the sound of his name to see a man moving towards him holding a brown paper bag. His head gives a flash of the blonde nurse and he connects the man with a word: Seb. What the little word means is still unclear to Fernando, but he knows this is the man he saw in his dream… Or sort of saw. Whoever he is, he is a Seb. Fernando looks to Mark who is glaring at the young man as he moves over to them. “I was just on my way to see you. They told me you weren’t out yet.” The blonde man says, standing next to Fernando. He is a little taller than the Spaniard and there is a niggling itch of dislike under Fernando’s skin that he can’t place. 

“They’re not supposed to be telling anyone anything.” Mark grumbles from beside them as the lift opens. He takes Fernando’s shoulder firmly and pushes him into the lift. The blonde man follows.

“I got you this.” The blonde man says, pushing the brown bag into Fernando’s hands. Fernando opens it in curiosity, seeing the book with “Hagakure: El Libro del Samurai” written down the spine. “I asked in the shop which was the best one… I hope you like it… I didn’t know what else to bring…” Fernando looks up at Mark as the blonde guy scratches the back of his next awkwardly. Mark is frowning at him. Fernando looks back to the book. Why had the man with the blonde hair and the blue eyes got him a book on Samurais? Maybe Fernando liked that sort of thing now… That would explain the tattoo on his back. 

“Thank you. Is great.” Fernando smiles, and the blonde man looks relieved. 

“What do you want, Seb?” Mark asks harshly, folding his arms. Fernando is a little confused. Maybe everyone calls the man a Seb? What the hell is a Seb? It doesn’t fit anywhere in his head… Just a funny little word he has heard before.

“To see how he was. It was a big crash…” Sebastian pauses and sends a little look between Mark and Fernando. “I’m surprised to see him with you, though. I’d have thought-”

“-He wasn’t there.” Mark lies easily. Sebastian gives him a dubious look. 

“Sure.”

“Is this why you’re here, to have a dig at me?” Mark asks sharply as the lift dings to a halt. The doors open and Mark ushers Fernando out. Sebastian follows them.

“No. I honestly wanted to make sure he was alright.” Sebastian says, gesturing to Fernando. Mark keeps a hand on the small of Fernando’s back as he unlocks the door. He gently pushes Fernando inside before following him in and going to shut the door. Sebastian puts his palm fiercely on the wood to prevent it from shutting. 

“Seb, now is really not the best time, mate.” Mark sighs.

“Have you even let Him see Fernando?” Sebastian asks and Mark looks at the floor guiltily. 

“No.” Sebastian sighs at Mark’s admission.

“Mark, you have to-”

“-He doesn’t remember.” Mark says quietly, moving a little closer to Sebastian and looking up. 

“What?”

“He’s forgotten the last ten years of his life. He doesn’t remember anything.” Mark watches as the realisation plunged onto Sebastian’s face. 

“What…. Nothing?”

“Nothing at all.”

“Not even your wedding?”

“When I first saw him he was asking for Flavio and Raquel. He thought it was 2003…”

“Shit…” Sebastian mutters, glancing over where Fernando is sat on the bed, crossed legged, with the book Sebastian gave him open on his lap. “You’re not lying, are you? This isn’t a ploy of yours to get him back?”

“No, Seb.” Mark states harshly, insulted that Sebastian would think he could sink so low. Besides, Mark would have a job and a half making Fernando forget about Him. Sebastian sends Mark a look that is crossed between shock and uncertainty. He moves into the room and stands in front of Fernando. Mark closes the door and folds his arms, standing a little way away. 

“Fernando?” Sebastian asks tentatively. Fernando frowns up at him, confused by the sudden change of tone. “Do you know who I am?” Fernando swallows dryly, feeling the panic rising in him again. Someone else he should fucking know and he can’t even place this guy. Fernando looks over to Mark for some help but Mark is just glaring at the blonde guy in front of him. Come on, Fernando, you know this. You’ve just got to work out what Seb means…. 

“Seb?” Fernando says, the word sounding more like a question than and answer. He’s only going by what he has heard Mark call him. The guy looks to Mark. 

“You know he doesn’t shorten your name. Don’t take that as false hope. He only knows it because I said it earlier.” Mark sighs from his position against the wall. The blonde man turns back to Fernando. 

“I’m Sebastian, Fernando. You know… Sebastian Vettel… You know who I am…” Sebastian’s voice becomes a little desperate and Fernando frantically looks between Mark and him hoping for something, anything, to become clear. He takes in Sebastian’s attire. 

“Are Mark’s teammate?” He asks softly. Sebastian turns back to Mark, who sighs and crosses the room. 

“Seb, look at what we’re both wearing.” Mark says, sitting next to Fernando and touching his shoulder lightly. Sebastian looks down to see Mark and he wearing almost identical Red Bull t-shirts. “Ask him something he can’t guess if you still don’t believe he can’t remember.” Fernando looks at Mark for some kind of help but Mark is staring at Sebastian. Sebastian crouches so he is at the same height as Fernando. 

“How many World Championships have I won?” Sebastian asks softly. 

“Seb!”

“I’m not being spiteful.” Sebastian confirms to Mark before turning back to Fernando. Sebastian knows that even if Fernando can’t remember, but someone had told him, his tone will be different. How is he supposed to know that for the past few years that it was Sebastian who had prevented him from getting another title if he can’t remember? Fernando looks to Mark, opening and closing his mouth stupidly with no words coming out. And Seb saw it: a look of need for Fernando to Mark. A look he hadn’t seen for a long time. And it is too clear to Sebastian that Fernando can’t remember anything that happened now. Fernando had been too soft with the German, accepted his gift of kindness too openly. Sebastian stood up and retreated away from the bed. Mark got up and held onto his shoulder, dropping his voice. 

“You see? You see why I won’t let Him see Fernando?” Mark says frantically and Sebastian just nods. “Fernando won’t recognise Him, he won’t know who He is.”

“No… No of course not…” Sebastian says a little breathlessly, his eyes glued to the frowning Fernando on the bed.

“So I need you to go and tell Him that. Tell Him Fernando doesn’t remember. And tell Him to stop calling.” Mark says a little desperately and Sebastian nods, looking back at Mark. 

“Of course…”

Mark leads Sebastian back over to the hotel room door and lets him out. He gives him a nod of thanks before watching the German walk down the hallway, his posture a little defeated. Mark closes the door softly and moves back over to Fernando. Fernando is sitting with the book still open on his lap and staring off into the distance with glazed eyes. Mark sits next to him, rubbing across his shoulders. 

“Are you alright? I’m sorry about that. I should have-”

“-No. Do not worry.” Fernando says, waving his hand towards Mark. He is still staring at a spot on the carpet. “Are we friends?”

“Hey?”

“Sebastian…” The name felt more natural on his tongue than ‘Seb’. “Are we friends?” Mark gives a small scoff that makes Fernando turn to look at him. 

“Not… Strictly speaking, not… Not close friends…” Mark says, chewing on his words. Fernando frowns at him. 

“Not friends?”

“He’s another driver. You’re… You’re not a big fan of his.”

“Am I quicker than him?” Fernando asks and Mark can’t help but smile at the aspects of the younger, 2003 Fernando that are still visible in the 2013 Fernando: the need to be fastest, the need to win, the need to be the best.

“Not at the moment.” Mark smiles and Fernando gives a small, abhorrent ‘huh’ from the back of his throat. “But I’m sure you will be next year.” Fernando sits forwards and puts his face in his hands. 

“Right… Because this season is over…” Fernando sighs, still feeling confused by everything being so different. Mark stops rubbing his back and pulls him closely to his body. Fernando sighs and melts into him, crawling onto his lap. “Mark?”

“Mmm?” Mark says, bringing Fernando closer. 

“I remembered them. The words.” Fernando feels Mark tense around him and instantly regrets his words. There is a dreadful silence that fills the room and Fernando’s eyes widen. He opens his mouth to speak. 

“Wha… Erm… When?” Mark asks, and Fernando can still sense the annoyance in his voice. But it seems more flushed out now. Fernando peals away from him a bit so he can look into Mark’s eyes. 

“In the car. I had promised you something and then you asked me to say those words. But I wanted you to same some first because you were the one being insecure and paranoid.” Fernando says, trying to read Mark’s face. Mark knows the words Fernando is referencing that were requested. They rush to the tip of his tongue, begging to be aired. Mark hasn’t said them in so long…

“Just the words?” Mark asks, his voice breaking slightly. Fernando manoeuvres himself and wraps his legs around Mark’s waist. He shakes his head slowly. 

“Was a memory. Or part of one…” Fernando mutters, his fingers weaving into Mark’s hair and massaging the back of his skull absent-mindedly. Mark’s eyes roll shut at the feeling… The sensation he hasn’t felt in such a long time…

“Tú eres mi todo, Fernando, y yo te amaré siempre.” Mark whispers, hoping Fernando won’t hear him. He does, and Fernando feels that rush of overwhelming joy and adoration for Mark at the sound of them. Before he realises what he has done, he pushes his lips to Mark’s desperately. Mark’s hands fly to his back, pulling him closer. Fernando leans into him, unwrapping his legs from Mark so he can push him back onto the bed, lying on top of him. It’s Mark who pushes his tongue into Fernando’s mouth, brushing it gently on his bottom lip before Fernando conceives to grant him entrance. Mark’s hands travel up his back and they grip into his hair, pulling him closer, revelling in the desperation he has for Fernando having had to wait so long. Their bodies move together as if they’ve never been apart, as if they were designed only for this one purpose. Fernando feels something building in his throat and before he knows how to stop it his moan of pleasure spills from his mouth as Mark breaks for air. At it’s sound, Fernando throws himself off Mark and across the bed, curling into a small ball. 

“Fernando-”

“-No.” Fernando says bluntly, falling heavily back into a mind set that doesn’t understand. But his body is urging him to uncurl, crawl over and fall into Mark’s arms. He body is craving Mark. But he doesn’t know why. Mark moves over to him slowly, panting a little, as if trying not to startle a timid animal. His fingertips brush Fernando’s arm and run across his shoulder. Fernando looks down at his feet, trying to ignore the burn of his skin and the urge to throw himself into Mark’s arms. That can’t be right. Not at all. He loves Raquel. Or if not her then he loves women. Not Mark… But the memory…. The words…. Fernando shakes his head slightly. 

“No what?” Mark asks, his voice just above a whisper in fear it might break. He picks Fernando’s ring up that has fallen from under his shirt and tucks it back down his collar. Fernando winces slightly as the clod metal touches his bare skin. He looks to Mark’s left hand as he places it on Fernando’s knee. And then up to Mark. 

“Did not want you to say anything.” Fernando says softly, his brain streaming through for more evidence that the conclusion he has just formulated in his head is correct. “Did not want to ruin…” Fernando lets his voice fade off. Mark moves so he is sitting in front of Fernando. 

“There is no possible way I could ruin anything, Fernando.” Mark says with a small smile, pushing his right hand into Fernando’s hair. I can’t ruin it anymore than I already have. 

“Mark…” Fernando whispers, closing his eyes and leaning into Mark’s touch. He places one hand over Mark’s on his leg and gently brushes the gold band on his finger. Mark leans forwards and pushes their foreheads together, closing his eyes and breathing Fernando in. 

“Fernando.”

Say it… Please… Say it for me… 

Fernando caught Mark’s lips with his own briefly, exploring the feeling, the thoughts that flew into his head. His body tingles pleasantly as he slowly lets Mark’s lips go. His fingers itch to grab at Mark’s sides and pull him close. But the most scary and most comforting thing of his reaction is the one clear thought in his head. 

Again.

“Te amaré hasta el fin del mundo, Mark.” Fernando mutters, hoping Mark will not angrily outburst at him again. Mark doesn’t do anything. The fingers on Fernando’s knee draw small comforting circles. Fernando lets the hand that is not on Mark’s on his knee cup Mark’s neck as he pulls him close again, bringing their lips together. Mark breaks apart and pushes Fernando’s shoulder so he sprawls onto the bed on his back. He straddles Fernando’s hips and Fernando finds he has to force his hips into the mattress as to not rise up to Mark’s. Mark slowly peels the chain from around Fernando’s neck and holds the ring tightly in his hand, placing it on the bedside table. Fernando’s hands travel up under Mark’s shirt as he leans over him and rest on the small of his back, guiding him down as the Australian returns. Fernando’s lips find Mark’s easily and with haste, pulling at the hem of Mark’s shirt to get it off him. Fernando is confused by his own actions at the same time as never wanting to stop. His hands hastily map out the familiar but strange bare torso of Mark before Mark’s hand is back gently on his cheek, stroking the hair out of his face. 

“Fernando…” Mark mutters, his eyes so full of love. That’s when it happens. Such a similar moment it could have been the same. But the room in the memory is lighter, sunlight dancing off Mark’s skin. And Mark has a white shirt that has been unbuttoned and untucked from black suit trousers. 

Tú eres mi todo, Fernando. 

So why is Mark speaking Spanish? Fernando thought. In the dim hotel room, Mark is still watching him curiously. Fernando loops his arms around Mark’s neck and pulls him closer, stopping just before their lips meet as another memory pushes into his consciousness. 

“Eh, we’ve got all our lives for quick and cheeky… Today’s special. Today’s all about us.” Mark mutters velvety in his ear, his voice dripping with arousal. Fernando finds himself clinging tighter, loving the build of pressure from their circling groins and the impatience that is building in him. Mark will drag this out today, have Fernando forgetting who he even is. But that’s the point. That’s what today is all about. Fernando craves it. Needs it. He needs Mark to break him apart so he can put back together all the pieces. Deconstruct Fernando Alonso and rebuild him to become Fernando Webber-Alonso. That is what he wants from Mark today. And Mark seems more than happy to oblige. 

“Maybe the Webber-Alonso’s are not quick and cheeky…” Fernando giggles slightly, his sentence broken by a gasp as Mark adds a little pressure to the connection between their legs. 

“Oh, we’re quick and cheeky sometimes… You wait for the next red flag…” Mark smirks, kissing chaste kisses down Fernando’s jawline and finding his lips again. He makes Fernando give up a small moan as he breaks their lips apart by rubbing them together closer. 

“I love you, Mr Webber-Alonso…” Fernando sighs, pulling Mark’s lips back to his. Mark’s hand slides in between them and tantalisingly slowly into Fernando’s pocket. Fernando tries to rut against Mark as his fingers come close to his erect cock from inside his pocket, but Mark just grins and extracts the dark material blindfold. Fernando gives a little whimper of annoyance as Mark covers his eyes. 

“It will be worth it…” Mark smiles. 

“Want to see you…” Fernando whimpers slightly. 

“Do you trust me?” 

“With all my heart, Mark.” And Mark doesn’t need to reply, because he knows how much Fernando trusts him. He kisses Fernando passionately and loves how, just like every other time they have used the blindfold, Fernando’s movements are more desperate and full on, as if he is trying to immerse himself in Mark even though he can’t see him… 

“Open your eyes, Fer…” Mark’s soft voice coos him back into the hotel room. Mark is still on top of him, Fernando knows this because he can feel his weight on his legs, but he can’t see him. Fernando suddenly gasps as Mark takes one of his erect nipples into his mouth. Fernando’s hands fly to his hair as his hips shamelessly push into Mark’s. Mark relents and moves up Fernando so he is looking into his eyes. “You remembered something.” Mark smiles, brushing the hair out of Fernando’s face. Fernando nods. “You spoke.” Mark comments and Fernando blinks up at him. He doesn’t really want to be thinking about the memory; the imminent need to feel that connection with Mark right now is overpowering. He puts his hands on Mark’s hips and pushes him down. Mark resists him, his cheeky smirk on his face. “Ask me.” Fernando is surprised to find the question ready to be aired. 

“Who are you married to?” Fernando sighs, the memory being the last piece of evidence he needed to know he has drawn the correct conclusion. Mark kisses Fernando softly, bringing their faces close. 

“You know, don’t you.” Mark smiles and Fernando nods.

“I remembered… A hotel…” Mark sits back slightly. 

“You said: ‘I love you, Mr Webber-Alonso.’ I thought you were talking to me, but you were remembering; I saw you had you’re eyes closed.” Mark sighs.

“Webber-Alonso…” Fernando confirms, a bubble of happiness rising in his chest. His toes curl as a smile breaks onto his face. “Are married.”

“Yeah…” Mark says thickly. Fernando pulls him back close. 

“What did I remember?” Fernando asks, tracing Mark’s jawline with his lips.

“What did you see?”

“You. You were here…” Fernando pulls Mark closer, emulating the memory. “And you did this…” He guides Mark’s hand into his pocket and gasps at the proximity of Mark’s hand to his throbbing member. “And then…” Fernando pulls Mark’s hand from his pocket and places it over his eyes. “Wanted to see you, but I trusted you and you say it will be worth it… And you promise that next red flag-” Fernando’s words are cut off as Mark pulls himself from on top of him. Fernando sits up, confused by Mark’s sudden movement. Mark is sat at the end of the bed, hugging his shoulders. “Is this bad?” Fernando asks and Mark gives a small scoff. 

“No, Fer. Not bad at all.”

“Then why are you angry?”

“I’m not-” Mark turns to face Fernando. “I’m not angry.”

“Do not understand…” Mark’s eyes swam with tears.

“That was our… Erm… You remembered our… Wedding night.” Mark says and Fernando moves to him, as if by a magnetic pull, and wraps his arms around him. 

“Is good, no? Happy?”

“Yeah…” Mark sighs, sniffing and rubbing under his eyes to stop the tears falling. Once. “Just wasn’t the first memory I was expecting you to remember…” Fernando starts to feel a little awkward at Mark’s comment and he has a sudden urge to shy away from Mark. He grips tighter instead. “Fernando, we can’t do this right now.” Mark says, pushing past the lump in his throat. “There is still lots you can’t remember. I can’t do that to you. It’s not fair…”

“Mark…” Fernando breathes, placing a long, lingering kiss on Mark’s cheek. “Are not doing anything I do not want…”

“No, Fernando.” Mark states. “You don’t know… If you could remember…” Fernando sits up a little.

“If could remember then what?” There is a short silence where Mark looks round at Fernando. 

“You definitely wouldn’t want to be here with me.” Mark says shallowly. Fernando frowns, confused by his statement. Mark is his husband, why on Earth would he not want to be here?

“Are wrong.”

“Wait until you can remember. Then tell me I’m wrong.” Mark says darkly, making Fernando cling tighter to him.

“Are wrong.”

Mark gets up, leaving Fernando at the edge of the bed, and picks up Fernando’s ring from the side. He takes it back over to Fernando, sitting in front of him. Fernando takes it in, suddenly feeling a rush of happiness and cold anger streaming through his veins. He looks up at Mark. 

“There is a reason this isn’t on your finger.” Mark says slowly, breathing deeply. Fernando frowns at him a little more. 

“Yes, they took it off at the hospital.”

“No, Fer. There is a reason you wear in round your neck and not on your finger…” Fernando blinks at Mark, completely confused.

“We are secret? No one knows? We have to hide.” Fernando concludes, but Mark’s sad eyes let him know he is wrong. The cold anger slowly begins to infiltrate the happiness and Fernando can feel his jaw tightening. 

“No. I wouldn’t… I mean, you tried to… And I-” Mark tries, but someone begins to hammer on the door and makes both men turn to look at it. 

“Mark. Open the door.” A voice from behind the wood calls. Mark puts the ring in Fernando’s hand, eyes still on the door, before he crosses to it. Fernando looks down at the ring, ignoring everything Mark has said negatively and the urge pulsing through him to hurl the ring across the room. He slides it off the chain and slips it onto his left-hand ring finger. He frowns at it for a moment, curious as to why he didn’t put it on the right, but his body suddenly relaxes and he sighs deeply in relief. 

“Jenson, now is really not a good time.” Mark calls quietly through the wood. Fernando crawls up the bed, pulling one of the pillows around and hugging it, pretending it’s Mark, and letting his eyes drop closed as he relaxes into a soft, light sleep.

“Yes, well, maybe not but there is a fucking riot going on downstairs. Did you tell Seb to tell Him not to come?” Jenson says, turning the handle.

“Yes.” Mark exasperates, sending a quick look to Fernando. 

“Fucking hell, Mark! He’s threatening to call the police! He thinks you’ve kidnapped him!”

“He came with me willingly. All the fucker has got to do is ask Andrea or Stefano.” Mark spits.

“Mark, open the door.”

“No.”

“You’ve tried this before. He doesn’t want to hear from you.”

“Jenson, you don’t fucking understand so leave us alone.”

“Mark, I will go downstairs and get another key… Oh, wait…” Mark turns from Fernando and lurches for the door just too late. Jenson slips the spare key into his back pocket and walks into the room, locking the door behind him. He strides over to the bed to see Fernando curled on his side, asleep. “You’re fucking kidding me.” Jenson says, moving around the side of the bed and picking up Fernando’s left hand. Mark sighs as he sees the ring glistening on his finger. 

“He did that. I had nothing-”

“-Mark, you’ve got to stop this. He’s happy now. Stop trying to fuck it all up for him.”

“I’m not trying to fuck anything up for anybody! You don’t understand, Jenson.”

“You the one who ruined it. You’re the one-”

“-That’s fucking rich, coming from you.” Mark spat venomously and Jenson blushed.

“Whatever. What I’m saying is it wasn’t Fernando or-”

“-Maybe not Fernando, but He definitely had something to do with this. Don’t even try and come in here and protect Him.”

“Mark-”

“-No, Jenson. Fernando doesn’t fucking remember anything.” Mark seethed, pointing at Fernando. Jenson opened his mouth to speak but shut it abruptly, sending Mark a dubious look. 

“What?”

“He doesn’t remember. He’s forgotten the last ten years completely. Apart from a few bits here and there.” Another pause.

“He’s just forgotten?”

“Yeah, amnesia or something.” Mark moves over to Fernando and strokes his cheek softly. Jenson folds his arms. 

“Is it permanent?” Jenson asks and Mark shrugs. 

“I don’t know.”

“You’re hoping this is a second chance, aren’t you. I bet you didn’t even sign those papers.” Jenson says in a despicable tone. Mark gets up and turns on him, fists clenched. 

“See, now it sounds like you’re accusing me of planning this.” Mark says darkly. Jenson shrugs.

“Funny how you’re the first one there and he miraculously can’t remember anything… How much of a lie is that, Mark? Or have you drugged him?” Mark flies at Jenson so fast the Brit doesn’t see it coming. His hands are at Jenson’s throat and he pushes him against the wall. 

“You going to fucking take that back or not.” Mark says, banging Jenson’s head back against the wall. 

“Just remember you came to me.” Jenson says, clawing at Mark’s hands. Mark’s eyes flash dangerously and he throws Jenson across the room. 

“Takes two to fucking tango, mate. Glad Nico doesn’t care he’s stuck with an easy whore.” Mark spits as Jenson gets to his feet. “Get out.”

“At least Fernando’s not a sleazy bastard. I can totally see why he left you.”

“Jenson, get the fuck out.”

“And I didn’t fucking do anything. You came to me. If anyone’s a whore round here it’s you.”

“GET OUT!” Mark bellows, pointing at the door. Jenson dusts off his shoulder as he crosses the room. 

“Don’t fuck him about, Mark. You’ll have more than just Him to get through.” Jenson spits as he slams the door behind him. Mark rushes forwards and rips the door back open, glaring at the retreating figure of Jenson.

“You come anywhere near us again and it will be the last thing you every fucking do!” Jenson spins on his heels, glaring at Mark. 

“He’s going to remember what you did at some point, Mark. I hope he pushes you from the fucking roof when he does! You’re fucking despicable!”

“Just like you then! Don’t pretend to be innocent in this, Jenson!” Mark barks and slams the door, turning back into the room. His eyes fall instantly on Fernando who is sitting at the end of the bed, hugging his knees to his chest. 

“What was that?” Fernando asks, tears spilling down his cheek. Mark doesn’t understand. He moves over to Fernando and brushes them away. 

“Why are you crying?” Mark asks softly and Fernando sniffs. 

“Do not know.” Fernando whines, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. Mark wraps him in a hug. “Who was here?”

“Jenson.” Mark mutters softly, placing a kiss on the top of Fernando’s head. Fernando suddenly burns with anger and more tears pour down his face. Fernando doesn’t understand it, but he pushes himself onto his feet and crosses the room, leaving Mark spread on the floor from the force in which he got up. “Fernando?” Mark says, getting up and following the Spaniard from the room. Fernando is being propelled by a force he doesn’t understand. He is a passenger of his own body, but the anger is burning hotly inside him. He can hear Mark rushing behind him, but he’s too late, not running quick enough. Fernando sees Jenson furiously jamming his finger into the lift button and strides up to him. Jenson turns, an odd look forming on his features. 

“Fernan-” Fernando’s tightly clenched fists smacks into the side of Jenson’s face and sends the Brit flying backwards. Jenson staggers into the closed lift before taking out a vase as he falls onto the floor. “Fuck!” Jenson yells, clutching at his eye. Fernando backs away, the confusion of his own actions overwhelming. He sinks to the floor, placing his hands on either side of his head, just over his ears. Why did he do that? Jenson is his friend, no? Then why did he just punch him in the face? Why is he still burning with anger?

Why does he want to do it again? 

Fernando is pushing himself to his feet before he knows it, but Mark catches his arm, already raised ready for another swing at the Brit. He frantically pulls Fernando’s arms down and moves him backwards. Fernando starts to resist him, trying to get to Jenson. 

“Fernando, stop.” Mark says breathlessly, pushing Fernando back against the wall. Fernando falters in Mark’s grip.

“Do not understand…” Fernando gasps, trying to keep hold of himself. He doesn’t understand. Why would he just hit someone? He doesn’t remember. His head hurts and he just wants to sleep. He doesn’t want any of this anymore. He just wants to understand. 

“It’s alright, Fer. It’s Ok.”

“Why did I do that?”

“Shh… Just calm down, all right? Just stay calm, I’m here, it’s alright.” Mark pulls Fernando tightly into his arms.

“Don’t worry about me then.” Jenson spits sarcastically, getting off the floor. 

“Fuck off, Jenson.” Mark says, moving Fernando back towards his room. The ding of the lift makes Mark stop; pushing Fernando behind him just in case the worst has happened. Luckily it hasn’t. Nico steps out of the lift and takes one look at Jenson before his eyes find Mark.

“What happened?” Nico asks, impatience in his voice, as he moves over to Jenson, inspecting his face.

“Tell your fucking teammate to stay away. No one else is to come up, understand?” Mark barks at Jenson and Nico. Fernando threads his fingers into Mark’s and pushes himself into Mark’s back. Nico doesn’t miss this. He takes a step towards them.

“Mark-”

“-No one.” Mark seethes before dragging Fernando back to the room. Mark closes the door and locks it before Fernando pushes himself into his hold. “I’m sorry.” Mark mutters softly to Fernando. 

“Who was that?” Fernando asks as Mark moves him over to the bed. 

“Huh?”

“In the lift. Who was this?” Mark sits Fernando on the edge of the bed and shakes his head slightly in disbelief. 

“You didn’t recognise Nico?”

“Nico?”

“The guy…” Mark’s voice fails him. “The guy in the lift was Nico.”

“Oh… I should have known this.” Fernando sighs, frowning to himself again. He had hoped that because he had got some memories back the others would just flow in. But there is nothing. Nothing but the vivid memory of the Spanish words and the wedding night in the bright hotel. 

“Did I wake you when I slammed the door?” Mark asks softly. 

“Was just dosing. The door startled me.”

“Did you hear anything Jenson said?” Mark asks, sudden panic in his voice. Fernando shakes his head.

“Just want to go home, Mark…” Fernando sighs, his body and mind aching with the confusion of not remembering.

“I know. Our flight is in the morning. Just one more night, I promise…”

And I promise, until the day I die, I will never stop loving you or do anything to hurt you in anyway. You are my world. Tú eres mi todo, Fernando. Y yo te amaré siempre.

“I’m going to get you some water. Stay here.” Mark says. He crosses through to a second room in the hotel room and Fernando hears running water. Suddenly, the odd music from the car starts playing again. Fernando now knows it’s his phone and so goes over to his black rucksack to try and find it. He turns his head towards Mark’s bag and realises the music is coming from there. Maybe Mark still had it because it still needed repairing. Fernando crosses the room and unzips the bag, pulling the Red Bull fleece, a grey A4 envelope that feels slightly heavy, and some trainers out the way before he finds his phone. It stops ringing as he picks it up and Fernando turns it over in his hands, looking down at the cracked display. One little notification is showing on his screen and he frowns at it. 

MISSED CALL: Lewis xx (17) 

“What are you doing?” Mark’s outraged tone breaks into his head as the screen fades to black. Fernando turns to face Mark as he crosses the room quickly, picking up the fleece and wrapping the envelope in it before stuffing them in his bag with his trainers. He takes Fernando’s phone from his hands and pushes it in his pocket. “Fernando, what are you doing going through my bag?” Mark’s tone is sterner than it was before and Fernando feels that pompous voice in his head making him sit up straighter, fold his arms and give Mark a defiant look. Fernando doesn’t like the voice but he can’t help but do as it tells him to. 

“Who’s Lewis?” Fernando asks confidently and watches as all the colour in Mark’s face disappears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IF YOU HAVE READ THIS BEFORE 20:08 GMT TIME ON THE 2ND FEB 2014 THEN THERE WAS A SECTION MISSING IN THIS PART. IT IS NOW ADDED BACK IN. SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE


	6. Maybe He Does Still Love Mark...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do you really know the man you see in the mirror?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I had a bit of a malfunction with the last part and for some reason the entire middle section disappeared. The end of Mark and Fernando's conversation with Sebastian and the beginning of their encounter together wasn't there until after 20:08 GMT time on the 2nd of Feb 2014. 
> 
> Since then, I have now sorted this and the entire part is viewable. I made a comment and note about this on the last part but I just thought I would reiterate it again here just in case people have not seen it. So if you are not sure if you have seen the new part, I would advise you go back and read it before you read this part. 
> 
> Sorry for the inconvenience. If I knew how it happened I would make sure it doesn't again, but unfortunately it has happened before on this work. I am being extra careful when I upload now to triple check it doesn't happen again. 
> 
> Thank you. Hope you enjoy this next part.  
> : )

Fernando isn’t comfortable in the silence anymore. The now empty tray of room service in on the floor by the door and Mark is sitting on the sofa, watching some kind of sports match. Fernando is sat on the middle of the bed alone with his legs crossed and his hands place gently in his lap. He is looking at Mark, but it appears Mark is trying to pretend he is not in the room. 

It’s been at least three hours of pretty much silence now and Fernando can see the night setting in outside the window. Mark hasn’t answered any of his questions. Not since he asked about Lewis. Every time he brings something up, Mark either pretends he hasn’t heard him or changes the subject. Fernando can’t work out what is more annoying, having half answers or having no answers at all. The whole process is fairly infuriating, and now he’s lost Mark’s help he feels more disoriented than ever. He would call Stefano or Andrea or even try to get hold of Lewis, but Mark has hidden his phone. Fernando can see it, sitting on top of the wardrobe, but it’s completely out of his reach. Even Mark had to stand on a chair to get it up there (he had done so whilst Fernando was in the bathroom) and Fernando knows if he tries to get it down Mark will stop him. The most annoying thing about the phone is that it is almost constantly vibrating across the surface, making the wood rumble loudly beneath it. Mark had turned it on silent, but who he guess was Lewis was persistently trying to call. At this particular point, the rumble is grinding on Fernando’s last nerve. 

“Mark?” Fernando asks softly. Mark doesn’t turn from the television. He just gives a non-committal grunt that he has heard him. “Can you turn it off?” Mark turns to see Fernando glaring at the phone. He settles himself back down into the chair, his back to Fernando. 

“No.” Mark says bluntly. The vibrations finally seize. 

“Just turn the vibrate off. Do not want it. Noise is annoying.”

“I want to hear how many times He tries to call.” Mark spits back. Fernando doesn’t like this. It’s a side of Mark he’s never seen before. The scariest facts about it are: for one, Mark seemed to slip into this persona too easily around Fernando as if it were second nature, and two, that nagging voice in Fernando’s head that makes him sharp with Mark is louder than ever with Mark in this mood. Fernando is constantly fighting it, not understanding anything. 

“Please turn off the noise.” Fernando asks softly with his eyes closed. Mark turns round to look at him.

“Does it make you uncomfortable?” Mark asks with the hard edge to his words. Fernando nods, slowly opening his eyes. “Now you know how I feel.” Mark turns around with no more words and the phone begins to vibrate again. Fernando glares at it, then back to Mark. 

“What do you mean?” Fernando says through gritted teeth. When Mark doesn’t turn around Fernando gets to his feet and pulls a chair in line with the wardrobe. Mark’s hand is on top of the chair as Fernando raises his foot. 

“What are you doing?”

“Turning off the noise.” Fernando spits, putting his foot more firmly on the chair. Mark pushes him back a little and takes his place on the chair, standing with his head just brushing the ceiling. Fernando folds his arms as he watches Mark, who picks the phone up delicately, turning it over and looking at the broken screen. He should really get the screen fix but he knows if he does he has no reason not to give it back to Fernando. And he really doesn’t want Fernando to get his phone back and talk to Lewis. He unlocks the screen and his breath catches in his throat.

MISSED CALL: Lewis xx (25)  
MISSED CALL: Lorena   
Voicemail: Lorena

Feeling Fernando’s eyes burning into his back, he unlocks the phone and finds Fernando’s voicemail. Fernando frowns at Mark, not understanding what he is doing. He asks Mark a question in a clipped voice. 

“What are you-?”

“-Shh.” Mark says, putting his finger to his lips and pressing the phone gently to his ear. Fernando opens his mouth with a frown on his face to talk again but Mark insistently taps his finger to his lips. 

“Welcome to your voice messing service service. You have one new message.” The cheery, robotic woman says down the phone to Mark. Fernando stands in front of him but Mark keeps his finger on his lips. “New voice message left today at seven forty-six pm.” Mark listens as a beep is sounded and the voice changes. “Fernando, stop calling me. I have made my point extremely clear and do not want to hear from you again. If you just called to tell me you were fine after you crash then good. If not then don not want to here it. Just leave me the fuck alone.” The message ends with a now sinister beep and Mark deletes the message, hanging up. Lorena’s tone was the same clipped, spiteful tone he had heard her speak to Fernando in so much recently. It made his shiver unpleasantly. He puts the phone back on top of the wardrobe, completely forgetting what he has got up to do with it in the first place. 

“What were you doing?” Fernando asks as Mark jumps off the chair and moves it back across the room. 

“Nothing.” Mark says, settling himself back in front of the television. Fernando sits next to him. 

“Who did you call?”

“I didn’t.” Mark sighs, running his hands over his face. Fernando watches him like a curious child. 

“Mark-” Fernando’s words are interrupted by the wood of the wardrobe vibrating around the ringing phone. Fernando audibly groans in annoyance, getting up. Mark grabs his wrist before letting go as if he has been burned. Fernando stops moving and turns back to look at him, but Mark’s attention is intently on the screen in front of him. “Mark.” Fernando says in a small, scared voice, sitting back down next to Mark. Mark still stares intently at the television. “Mark, please.” Fernando reaches to Mark’s face and brushes his cheek gently with his fingertips. The only movement Mark makes is shutting his eyes. “Am scared.”

“I can’t help you, Fernando.” Mark sighs, his voice genuinely broken. It is the same Mark Fernando saw in the hospital and in some respects that is a comfort. Fernando curls into Mark’s side and wraps his arms around him. Mark still doesn’t move. 

“Can…”

“No, Fer. I really can’t.”

“Just tell me-”

“-That’s the thing! I can’t!” Mark says abruptly, pushing himself out of the chair. Fernando looks up at him even more confused than he was in the first place. “I can’t take us back there…”

“Mark, what are you talking about?” Fernando asks, frowning and sitting up. Mark keeps his back to him. 

“I can’t… It’s not fair for you to expect this from me.” Mark turns around to glare at Fernando with tears stinging in his eyes. Fernando’s head throbs painfully as he frowns up at Mark. 

“Do not-”

“-Because you’re the one who walked away. It’s not fair of you to do this. That was it. Season over. It didn’t matter anymore.”

“Mark, please-”

“-This isn’t fair! You’re just going to pick me up and then when you remember everything you’re going to drop me down!”

“Mark! I would never-” Fernando stands to cup Mark’s face but the Australian pushes away from him. 

“Not years ago, no. But now you’d do it without the flit of an eyelid… You did do it.”

“Mark, do not understand.”

“I can’t keep doing this… You’re going to have to go.”

“Mark!” Fernando throws himself forwards and wraps his arms tightly around Mark’s waist. Mark can’t help but stroke his hair soothingly like he used to when Fernando was scared. It brings a lump in his throat and he pushes Fernando away from him, shaking his head.

“No, Fernando… I…”

“Mark, please. Do not understand.” Fernando moves back towards Mark but he takes a step away. 

“Maybe you should go to Lewis. Maybe that’s the best for everyone…”

Maybe it is the best option… 

“Do not want to leave. Want to go home. With you. Mark, do not leave me with someone I do not know.” Fernando says through a soft sob. Mark can’t look at him; it’s breaking his heart. 

“Fernando, you can’t expect this of me. It’s not fair.”

“Tell me why I cannot.” Fernando challenges and Mark looks over to him. Mark feels so torn. He’s stuck between cherishing the time he has with Fernando acting like they’re in love again and hating them because he knows it will open the empty pit inside of him that he’s only just started to fill. He wants to pull Fernando close and never let him go, but Mark knows even if Fernando never remembers again he will have to tell him at some point. He will have to relive what he did. And he knows he can’t cope with that. 

“We’ll talk about this in the morning. I can’t do this now. I’m tired.” Mark says, shutting off the television. Fernando gives a small nod and moves over to the bed. Mark doesn’t follow him. They are both already dressed for bed and Fernando frowns at Mark as he crosses to the phone in the room and calls up for an extra pillow and a duvet. 

Fernando stares at the ceiling, listening to Mark’s movements in the bathroom, trying to work out anything that Mark could be referencing. He had said Fernando was the one who walked away. What did Fernando walk away from? Them? Would that explain who this Lewis was? Fernando doesn’t like the thought of Lewis. Who was he anyway? Mark hasn’t really given any elaboration to the name. Just that. That’s all Fernando has to go on: a name. And Fernando would seriously just pick Mark up and drop him like he didn’t matter? Fernando is afraid of the man he has become. He doesn’t like where the signs are pointing. 

Mark comes out of the bathroom when someone knocks on the door and takes the bedding from the hotel assistant’s hands. He doesn’t look at Fernando as he heads over to the short sofa and sets up a make shift bed. Fernando gets up, heading over to it and is surprised when Mark climbs under the rough sheets. He looks up at Fernando who is standing with his hands on the back of the chair. 

“What?” Mark asks, tiredness seeping into his eyes. 

“Thought….” Fernando lets his gaze slide to the bed and Mark rolls away from him, showing him his back. Fernando had only meant to imply he thought he would be sleeping on the sofa, not Mark, but his need to be close to Mark short circuits all logical thoughts in his head. The Australian lets out a deep sigh. 

“I can’t…” Mark says, his voice cracking so badly Fernando wants to throw himself into his embrace. But he doesn’t. It’s apparently not fair to Mark. 

“Well… Goodnight…” Fernando mutters, crossing back over to the bed. Mark sits up and watches him until he falls heavily into the sheets. Mark lets his head drop back, sighing deeply and finally letting the tears run silently down his face.

Fernando can’t get comfortable, and it’s not just a case of finding the perfect position. It’s the same situation as the night in the hospital. Fernando misses that extra heat, the warmth of someone’s arms around him. He sends a few fleeting looks over at the sofa, trying to work out if Mark is asleep or feeling the same way. The distance between them is unbearable. Fernando can’t understand what could have possibly happened to put such a wedge between them. He throws the pillows over to the other side of the bed and curls around one, but the feeling isn’t right. And he’s getting more and more annoyed because he feels like Mark is taunting him; being so close but not quite close enough. 

“Mark?” Fernando mutters quietly into the hotel room that feels like it stretches on for miles. He can’t believe that Mark could have possibly heard him. 

“What, Fernando?” Mark asks in a tired and fed up voice. Fernando is met with the memory of how his eyes looked in the hospital mirror. Was it possible Mark and him were feeling the same?

“Can’t sleep.” 

“What do you want me to do about that?” Mark says in a clipped voice that makes Fernando curl closer into the pillow he is holding.

“Nothing…” Fernando mutters, feeling his eyes welling with tears. What the hell has happened? What has happened between them that makes this too much for Mark? What the hell has changed from entering the hotel to now? They had been so close to something special and Fernando had been feeling sort of normal. And now he is here, on the cold side of a bed, feeling more lost and alone than ever. Wanting more than anything to cross the room and curl into Mark’s warm arms. But he can’t because that’s apparently not fair to Mark. And suddenly Fernando feels angry at Mark. What right did he have to just send Fernando away? Fernando has forgotten his memory, why couldn’t Mark accept that and help him? Why did what had happened in the past have to matter? Fernando bunches the material into his fist as the tears steam down his cheek. It’s not fair. Mark’s not being fair. 

Fernando watches as Mark gets up and crosses the room, walking into the bathroom. He sits himself up as Mark closes the door without a word. The click of the lock in place sends another pulse of anger through Fernando and he acts only on that. Maybe from earlier he should have realised not to act on this angry impulse. But that doesn’t stop him. He crosses the room and picks up one of the chairs, pushing the back under the bathroom door handle before getting another chair and retrieves his phone. Fernando picks up the small device and hops off the chair, his fingers finding the contact he is looking for without guidance. Before he knows it the phone is calling Lewis. Fernando takes a deep breath before he lifts the phone softly to his ear. If Mark is not going to explain he will find out himself. The phone rings twice before it is answered.

“Fernando! Thank fuck, I’m so glad you called! No one will tell me where he’s taken you. They all told me to wait in the lobby but I want to come and see you. It’s all right; I’m still coming. Jenson said Seb told him but he wouldn’t tell me. Nico went to find him he’d been go so long, but when they came back Jenson had a black eye! Did Mark do that? I bet he did. Has he hurt you? Did he take your phone? Fernando, I’ve been so worried. I’m so glad you called.” The frantic voice down the phone is comforting and uncomforting at the same time and Fernando instantly regrets calling Lewis. He wants to hang up but the possibility of finding out what’s going on is too much to resist. Fernando still can’t hide his panic and the strangeness of the voice. The fact that no face accompanies it in his head. 

“Who are you?” Fernando asks in a small voice. He can hear a stillness down the line. There is a short pause.

“What?”

“Who are you?”

“Fernando, you… You know who I am… I’m Lewis… You know that… You know who I am.” Lewis’ voice becomes more and more panicked as he spoke. 

“I know this. I know your name. Do not know who you are.” Fernando hears the lock slid on the bathroom door and swallows nervously. He sees the handle drop a few centimetres and smack into the top of the chair, not budging any further. Fernando exhales. 

“Fernando?” Mark calls from inside the bathroom, trying the handle a couple more times. Fernando turns his back, focusing on the phone. 

“Fernando, you know me. You know who I am. Stop playing games, all right? You’re… You’re kind of freaking me out.” Lewis says a little deranged down the phone. Mark persistently tries to open the door. 

“Fernando, what have you done? What are you doing?” Mark’s anger is clear in his voice as Fernando pushes his free hand to his ear. There is a thud that sounds like Mark smacking the door with his palm which makes Fernando flinch.

“Do not have time to explain. Lewis, what happened between Mark and me?” There is silence on the other end of the line that it only disrupted by Mark’s fruitless attempts to get out of the bathroom. 

“What?”

“Fernando, this is ridiculous! Let me out of here!” Mark growls from behind the bathroom door. 

“Lewis, please.”

“What has he done to you?” Lewis asks in a distressed tone. Fernando frowns, getting more annoyed with this Lewis guy. He regrets making this call more and more by the second. Why is no one helping him by explaining? He makes the decision to end this call quickly so he can try someone else… Maybe Andrea.

“Fernando!” Mark slams something heavily, which Fernando assumes is his body, against the door and it shakes on it’s hinges. “Let me out!”

“Is that Mark?” Lewis asks, his tone becoming stony. Fernando’s mouth goes dry and his head throbs again.

“Fernando, for fuck sake!” Mark pounds against the door again and Fernando turns to look at it. He starts continuously hitting the door with his fist, the continuous thud making Fernando wince. 

“What’s he done to you? Where are you?” Lewis’ panicked voice asks down the phone. Fernando’s eyes are tightly shut against the continuous pounding behind him. “Fernando?”

“Fernando, please…” Mark sighs against the wood, seizing in his attack on the door. Fernando sighs, falling back on the bed and pretty much forgetting about Lewis on the phone. 

“Want to go home, Mark.” Fernando gasps, closing his eyes. He can’t understand why he’s crying now. It’s all too overwhelming and he just wants to understand. No one is explaining anything anymore. Fernando digs his fingers into his hair, one hand still holding the phone to his ear. 

“Home? Fernando, what’s going on? Where is he taking you? What’s happening?” Lewis pleads.

“I can’t take you anywhere until tomorrow, Fer.” Mark calls softly. Fernando sits up, leaving the phone on the bed, still connected to Lewis.

“You say you will leave me with Lewis. How is this you taking me home?” Fernando only has eyes for the bathroom door. 

“Fernando, you’re not thinking clearly. We’ll sort this in the morning.” Mark says, trying pointlessly at the handle again. Fernando pushes himself off the bed. 

“Am not leaving you. Will not let you dump me with some random person.” Fernando folds his arms, crossing the room.

“I’m not dumping you with anyone, Fernando.”

“You already book flights home. Have to take me.”

“I don’t have to do anything.” The annoyance has seeped back into Mark’s tone and Fernando feels anger boiling under his skin at the confusion it sets in his head. His fists clench tightly. 

“Why are you doing this? What have I done?”

“Of course it’s something you’ve done. It can’t possible be anyone else’s fault that I’m annoyed can it, Fernando? Because, according to you, I always think it’s your fault!” Mark sarcastic and angry tone is accompanied by more fierce attempts of the door handle. Fernando retreats a few steps from the door as the handle is shook violently, leaving a dent in the top of the chair. 

“Why are you pushing me away?”

“You’re the one who has locked me in a bathroom.”

“Mark, am serious. We are married, no? Together and happy and close, yes? Can not see why you are being so distant.” Fernando sighs, moving to the door, kneeling on the chair, and resting his palm and forehead on the cool wood. On the other side of the door Mark pushes his hands through his hair and takes a deep breath. No, they’re not happily married anymore, but some part of Mark can’t find the heart to tell Fernando that. And even though Mark knows in the long run this is going to be so much more painful, he’s determined to hold onto Fernando for as long as he can. He looks at his side of the wood door and strides over to it, resting his forehead on it and closing his eyes. 

“They’re isn’t a reason.” Mark lies softly. And he swallows guiltily, knowing it’s not the first time he’s lied to Fernando. 

“Then why are you pushing me away?” Fernando asks softly, pushing back from the door. He watches but Mark is quiet for a long time, trying to find out the best way to answer. Fernando sighs; feeling Mark just won’t answer. Maybe Mark is happier spending the night locked in the bathroom instead of having to share the room with Fernando and his apparent unfair demands. Fernando picks his phone back off the bed and notices the call has been disconnected. He doesn’t give it much thought as he climbs onto the chair and places the broken device back on top of the wardrobe. He climbs down and moves the chair back to the other side of the room.

“I don’t want to hurt you…” Mark suddenly says, his voice so quiet Fernando isn’t sure he actually heard it. Fernando stays on the other side of the room. 

“Do not-”

“-I don’t want to hurt you, Fer. Or you to accidently hurt me. Though if you ever do hurt me then it’s because of something I did… Or I deserve it…”

“Mark, what are you talking about?” Fernando asks delicately, moving back over to the bathroom. 

“You. Us. We’ve… It’s not been plain sailing…” Mark sighs. Fernando places a hand on top of the chair. 

“All couples argue. If they do not then there is something not correct.”

“Yeah… Right…” Fernando moves the chair away from the door as Mark speaks, placing it across the room next to the other one. “All couples argue…”

“Did we have a fight? Is this why you are pushing me away?” Fernando asks, standing a foot away from the door. 

“I… You could call it a fight…” Mark mutters. Fernando opens the door and stands facing Mark. Mark is leaning against the sink. 

“Then I forgive you.” Fernando says with a hint of a smile in his eyes and a calm tone. Mark looks at him as if he is mad.

“You can’t just do that.” Mark says in a sinisterly amused tone. Fernando blinks at him, expression and tone unchanging. 

“Is in the past. We are moving on from it. No point in holding a grudge. Life is too short.” Fernando says. Mark pushes himself off the sink and walks over to Fernando, a small frown on his face. 

“You still can’t remember anything, can you? Not even the tiniest memory. It’s all gone, isn’t it?” Mark says in a slightly astounded tone. Fernando blushes a little and looks at the floor. 

“So what? What is the point in being annoyed about something if I cannot even remember?” Fernando asks. Mark places a hand gently on his shoulder. 

“I’ll know when you remember. You won’t even have to say.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ll see it in your eyes… And you. You’ll change. And you won’t want to be anywhere near me.”

“Do not understand, Mark.” Fernando frowns a little but Mark just gives a small smirk, moving away from him. 

“You’ll see.” Mark sighs. Fernando catches his wrist and stops him moving. 

“Married you so I must love you, Mark. Why would this change?” Fernando asks. Mark is momentarily breathless at the casual use of those words. Love you. It’s been so long since he’s heard them he had almost forgotten what they sound like. But he snaps himself back to reality. 

“I’ll happily bet fifty pounds that that’s not true. When you remember, you’ll regret saying those words.”

“Mark!”

“If you’re so sure I’m wrong, take the bet.” Mark says, not moving, just staring into Fernando’s eyes. Fernando meets his challenge.

“Will take your bet. But you have to stay with me and not shift me onto… Lewis.” There is something a bit like distaste on Fernando’s tongue as he says the five-lettered name, but also something appealing. He pushes the conflicting thoughts to the back of his mind. Mark’s lips spread into a small smile. 

“Deal.” On Mark’s words, Fernando wraps his arms around Mark’s body and is relieved to feel the Australian’s arms pulling him closer. He lets Mark lead him over to the bed and curls into him more effectively, sighing contently. Fernando can’t understand what Mark is referencing at all. If they had a fight they would work through it. Nothing is unfixable. Why Mark is so sure Fernando won’t be able to stand being around him if he ever remembers is confusing. Though it’s already been over twenty-four hours and he can still barely remember anything. And he isn’t sure he wants to anymore. So many things that are confusing him he doesn’t think he really wants explained. Who Lewis is, Mark’s reasons behind thinking Fernando won’t be able to stand him, the reason he punched Jenson… Fernando finds that if he thinks about it properly he really doesn’t want to know. He feels Mark press his lips on the top of his head softly and he pulls closer into the Australian’s embraces, humming quietly. Mark wraps warm arms around him and Fernando feels his eyelids close heavily over his eyes. 

THUD. THUD. THUD. THUD. THUD. THUD. THUD.

Fernando tenses on Mark’s body, eyes breaking open. He grips Mark’s shirt tighter as he moves to get up. Mark rubs his back soothingly, sitting them both up and cooing soft words into his ear. Fernando pushes his face into Mark’s chest, soaking him in and hiding from the weird and brutal knocking. 

“It’s alright, Fer. Just let me go and I’ll find out who it is.”

“Do not want to.”

THUD. THUD. THUD. THUD.

“Fernando, it’s probably just someone got the wrong room, yeah? Let go of my shirt and I’ll get rid of them.”

“Do not leave me, Mark. I do not want-”

-THUD. THUD. THUD. THUD. THUD. THUD. 

“Fernando, let go.” Mark pushes out of Fernando’s hold and prises his vice-like grip off his shirt. Fernando gives a small whimper before bringing a pillow in front of his body and hugging it closely. Mark keeps looking at him until the last possible moment and opens the door with the safety chain still in place. Lewis barges his shoulder into the gap and glares up at Mark. 

“Let me in.” Lewis spits, trying to force his way in through the small gap. Mark pushes the door back onto him, trapping him in place.

“No.”

“For fuck sake, Mark!” Lewis seethes.

“What are you even doing here?”

“I know you’ve got him in here, Mark. I know he’s here. Let me in.” Mark swallows as Lewis’ words sink into his flesh. There is no possible way Lewis could know Fernando is in this room. There are too many other places he could be. Only if Jenson, Nico or Sebastian told him… But they wouldn’t do that, right? No. If they had have done he would have been at the door much earlier. 

“I don’t know what you’re-”

“-FERNANDO!” Lewis screams, trying again to wriggle into the room through the small gap. Fernando grips tighter to the pillow he his hugging, praying Mark won’t let whoever it is in. 

“Shut the fuck up, Lewis.”

“Open the fucking door, Mark.” Lewis challenges, stopping in his futile attempt of entry. 

“Now’s not the best time.”

“Of course it’s not.” Lewis shoots sarcastically, threading his arm through the gap and pulling at the safety chain. He pulls the door towards him slightly so he could free the gold metal from it’s latch and then pushes into the door harshly, sending Mark backwards and onto the floor. He storms into the room, slamming the door behind him, and his eyes find Fernando in the bed, wide eyed and clutching at a pillow as if for dear life. Lewis moves towards him, expression softening. “Hey Ferri, it’s Ok now, you don’t have to be scared anymore. I’ve come to get you. Just like I promised.” Lewis crouches beside Fernando and reaches a gentle hand out towards him. Mark gets himself off the floor and observes them. Fernando’s eyes widen before he scampers back to the other side of the bed, away from Lewis. He looks to Mark for help. 

“Mark?” Fernando says, panic and fear coating his voice. He reaches his left hand out for Mark and Lewis sees the ring on his finger. The Brit clambers onto the bed and takes Fernando’s arm from mid air, examining it. Fernando pulls it from his grasp, holding it close. Lewis turns to Mark. 

“What the FUCK did you do!” Lewis bellows, springing from the bed and catching the neck of Mark’s shirt. Mark gasps as Lewis pushes him firmly into the wall. “Did you fucking drug him again?”

Again… 

“He obviously drugged you, Fernando. There is no other explanation. It’s not like you still love him. You remember what he did.” Lewis stops pacing to cup Fernando’s face. Fernando pushes his hands away, retrieving a drink from the mini bar with his back to the Brit. 

“Yes, Lewis, of course I remember what he did. Do not have to go over this again…” Fernando’s tone is tired and fed up, his exhausted body is not in the mood for Lewis’ rants tonight. Because he is scared he has made a mistake. That wasn’t a mistake. Fernando had gone to his room with a plan and he felt so over the moon when it had been more successful than he expected. But that elated feeling has just left him more confused in this whirlwind of feelings. 

Maybe he does still love Mark… 

“I’ve never drugged him in my fucking life!” Mark spits and Fernando shakes his head a little, pushing the memory away and focusing on the here and now. 

“And I’m sure that’s true.” Lewis bites back sarcastically. Fernando is frozen to the spot. 

“And what about you?” Mark fumes, feeling something coming undone in his head at Lewis’ ridiculous accusation. He feels white anger he has been holding back for too long pulsing through his veins. 

“What about me?”

“Maybe you’ve filled him with too many of your fucking lies he doesn’t know what to trust anymore! Don’t think I can’t see the strings you’ve tied around his wrists. You must really be a good fuck to make him bend to your will so freely.” Mark growls, glaring Lewis down. Fernando spaces out for a moment as Mark’s words fill his head. 

You must be a really good fuck to make him bend to your will so freely.

What?

“Or maybe he just reacts well to the truth!” Both men are yelling at each other but Fernando still finds he can’t move his limbs, as if they have become ten-ton weights attached to his torso. Mark’s barked laugh makes Fernando flinch uncomfortably. He’s heard that before… Too many times…

“The truth! Fucking hell, Lewis. If you think you’ve been telling him the truth all this time there is obviously a screw loose in that thing you call a head.”

“Guess that makes two of us in this room liars then.” Lewis states sourly through gritted teeth. 

“At least you’re finally admitting you’re lying to him.”

“And when are you going to?” There is a moment of stillness where no one moves. Where Mark’s eyes grow so wide Fernando is sure they are going to pop out of their sockets on springs in a comical manner. Lewis’ grip has significantly slacked since he first took hold of Mark, so when the Australian pushes hard into his shoulders it’s not surprising Lewis stumbles backwards. Lewis opens his mouth to speak, but before he gets the chance Mark’s fist smashes into the side of his face and the Brit crumples to the ground. 

“Mark!” Fernando yelps in shock as Lewis swears loudly. Fernando clambers from the bed as Lewis pulls himself from the floor only to get another fist in his stomach. “Mark! Stop!” Fernando frantically grabs at Mark’s arms and holds them still as Lewis climbs from the floor behind him. 

“You want to fucking know something, Hamilton? You don’t have a fucking clue! You think just ‘cause you’ve been in his pants for the last four months you’ve got him all figured out. But you don’t. You don’t know how his mind works. And right now neither does he! Four fucking years doesn’t account for nothing, dick-shit! You can’t just switch off love! However much you’ve tried to persuade him he can, you just can’t. I made a fucking mistake that I’m probably going to pay for for the rest of my life. And it kills me every day to see him in your fucking arms but at least he looks happy. Happier than he has with me for a very long time. So why don’t you get off your fucking high horse and come back down to Earth with the rest of us mere mortals. Because he will always love me and that is something you are going to have to deal with!”

“Mark, please, just calm down…” Fernando begs, pushing on Mark’s shoulders to get him to back down. Fernando is trying not to focus on what Mark said but the words are burning into him. He grips Mark’s shoulders tightly and buries himself in Mark. Mark glares at Lewis as he wraps his arms around Fernando, rubbing his back softly, in a protective manner. Lewis can’t believe what he’s seeing. 

“You going to tell me what you’ve fucking done to him or and I going to have to beat the shit out of you?” Lewis asks, physically shaking with rage. Mark doesn’t look away from him as he pulls Fernando closer. 

“He’s got fucking amnesia from the crash, you insensitive git.” Mark brushes his hand through Fernando’s hair and tries to stop himself shaking; his muscles are tense and taught in rage.

“What?”

“He can’t remember anything. When he came round he thought it was two thousand and fucking three.” Lewis looks at Mark with a glare of anger and bewilderment combined. A few moments pass where no one says anything. Lewis’ jaw suddenly locks. 

“Just how much bullshit is that, Mark? Tell me what you’ve fucking done!”

“I haven’t done anything!” Mark spits through locked teeth. Lewis launches himself forwards and pulls Fernando from Mark’s arms, gripping his shoulders tightly. Fernando tries to wriggle from Lewis’ hold, his limbs lashing out violently, but Lewis just holds him still. “Lewis!”

“It’s alright, Fernando, you can tell me. Tell me what he did. Tell me what he’s doing. What did he give you? Did he drug you? What has he said? What has he-”

“-GET OFF ME!” Fernando screamed in a voice that made Mark’s blood run cold. He sounds in pain. As if he’s in physical pain. Tears are racing down his cheeks but Lewis still holds on tightly. 

“For fuck sake, Lewis! Let him go!” Mark yells, bearing his teeth. Lewis lets his tight grip on Fernando go and watches as Fernando staggers backwards, away from him. Fernando trips on the end of the bed and falls back onto the mattress, overcome by sobs. Lewis moves to tend to him but Mark grabs his arm. “I think you need to leave now.” Mark is breathing heavily and Lewis pulls his arm from his grip. 

“Yeah, that’s exactly what you’d fucking want.” Lewis spits, turning back to Fernando. Mark pushes him backwards. 

“You don’t believe me but he really can’t remember. He doesn’t know who you are. If you don’t believe me ask Seb. Seb knows. Seb fucking tested him. You need to leave now. You’re upsetting him. He’s in enough of a state as it is.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Mark. You’re just going to take him away.”

“Lewis, this isn’t a fucking game. This is about what’s best for him.”

“And that’s you, is it?” Lewis seethes.

“I’m taking him home tomorrow. That’s where he wants to go.”

“Which home?”

“Home.” Mark presses the word, not willing to tell Lewis exactly where they are going. It’s up to Fernando whether Lewis gets that information. Lewis narrows his eyes at him, feeling dubious. 

“No. Fuck you. I’m taking him home.” Lewis says, taking another step towards Fernando. Mark pulls him back. 

“That’s not the best idea.”

“I think he can speak for himself, no? Let him decide.”

“You’re not going to want to let him do that.” Lewis pulls his arm from his grip. 

“His decision. Neither of us can argue with that.” Lewis says confidently. Mark doesn’t say another word. He moves over to Fernando and Lewis follows. “Fernando? I need you to calm down for me. Can you do that?” Lewis asks softly. Fernando takes a huge gasp of air and grips Mark’s arm tightly, digging his nails into his skin. Lewis chooses to ignore this. “Fernando, we’re taking you home tomorrow, yeah? That’s where you want to go, right? You want to go home.”

“Ma… Mar…. Ma…Rk…” Fernando gasps and gulps for air, pulling himself towards the Australian and trying to force the four-letter word past his lips. Lewis puts a gentle hand on his shoulder, holding him in place. 

“Take a couple of deep breaths, yeah? Fernando? Deep breaths.” Lewis coos and Mark feels a jolt of jealously pull through him. He hates the way Fernando complies to Lewis’ words. Hates how they work and calm Fernando down a bit. But Fernando is still digging his fingers into Mark’s flesh. Fernando passes a fleeting look between the two of them, taking sharp, shuddery breaths. 

“Fernando.” Mark says in such a delicate voice that it almost mingles into the sounds of the room. Fernando’s eyes fix on his and his hold looses a little on Mark’s arm. 

“Fernando, you need to pick who is taking you home. Me.” Lewis pauses to send Mark a look of disgust. His tone changes to match his expression. “Or Mark.” There is barely a beat before Fernando is answering. 

“Mark.” He says, his eyes not leaving the Australian’s. Lewis gapes at him, a frown corrupting his face. 

“Wait, what?” Lewis exclaims. Fernando doesn’t offer another reply. He just stares at Mark, the ramifications of his panic still sitting heavily on his chest. And he wants to pull into Mark’s hold where he feels safe. Mark brushes the hair out of his face and Fernando sits up. “No.” Lewis snaps as he grabs Fernando’s wrist and drags him towards the door. 

“Lewis!” Mark growls over Fernando’s re-started pleads. 

“I don’t give a fuck, Mark. What ever you have done to him I won’t have it. You had your chance and you fucked it up-”

“-Get off me! Mark, please!” Fernando cries, reaching for Mark and digging his heels into the carpet so Lewis can drag him no further. Fernando’s sudden stop brings Lewis backwards and he topples on top of the Spaniard. Fernando crawls towards Mark but Lewis lifts him back to his feet by his hips. 

“Lewis, this is his choice. You said we can’t argue with that.” Mark’s voice is stern and authoritative and he takes hold of Fernando gently. Fernando melts towards him. 

“But you’ve done something to him! You’ve-”

“-Lewis, I am taking him home tomorrow. That’s what he wants.” Mark pulls Fernando from Lewis and pushes him behind him. Fernando clings tightly to Mark’s back, dissolving into him. 

“I’m coming with you.”

“I think you need to leave now. Cool off. Talk to Jenson or Seb.”

“I am coming with you.”

“Lewis, go.” Mark says gently. He turns his back to the Brit and envelopes Fernando in his embrace. Fernando sobs quietly into Mark’s shoulder and only looks up at him when they hear the door slam. Fernando doesn’t say anything; too afraid that his words will make Mark echo what he said to Lewis earlier. Fernando doesn’t want to believe they are true, but there is some familiarity to them. Instead, he lets Mark guide him back into the bed, sitting up to watch Mark walk into the bathroom and reappear with a damp flannel. Fernando lies back as Mark runs the cool cloth over his face and huddles close to him when Mark joins him under the duvet. “I’m so sorry, Fer. He just-”

“-Was my fault.” Fernando sighs, burying himself closer to Mark, revelling in the calming feeling the circles Mark is drawing on his back brings. Mark looks down at him.

“How so?”

“Called him. Did not invite him here, but I called him. He must have heard us talking and assumed where we are.” Mark frowns a little at Fernando’s admission. 

“When did you do that?”

“Is why I locked you in the bathroom. Knew you would stop me.” Fernando yawns, feeling even more tired than he did twenty minutes ago. 

“Why did you call him?” Mark asks, a small amount of fear in his voice. Fernando doesn’t want to answer in fear that it will lead Mark to explain what he had said to Lewis. So instead he pretends to be asleep. Mark accepts this façade and places a gentle kiss on Fernando’s forehead before turning out the bedside lamp. It isn’t long until Fernando really does fall heavy in his arms, being captured by sleep. 

In Mark’s arms, where Fernando hasn’t been for too long.


	7. We Can Fix This. We Can Fix Anything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's always nice to return home... When you can remember where home is.

Fernando is definitely not asleep. Mark can tell because he keeps sighing and adjusting his position. It’s a bit annoying because with the constant movement Mark can’t get to sleep either. When Fernando finally stills, Mark is still dubious. He’s still ready for Fernando to suddenly exasperate and sit up, throwing another pillow off the bed. There were only five to start with and Mark’s worried that eventually they are going to end up lying on the mattress with nothing but each other. And as much as the idea is appealing it is still cold. Mark subconsciously clutches the duvet tighter at the thought. 

“Fernando?” Mark whispers, looking down at the man in his arms. Fernando looks asleep now but Mark is not up for any chances. He leans back from Fernando slightly and notes his breathing, the sudden heaviness of his limbs as Mark tries to move. And Mark sighs happily, pulling Fernando closer to him. He has a theory on why Fernando was having trouble sleeping. He’d read that pack to him too many times to not have a pretty good idea. But he isn’t going to tell him. This seems to be a good thing about Fernando forgetting everything. Mark rubs Fernando’s arms softly and pressed a small kiss into the top of his head. 

And then Fernando rolls away.

It’s not a big movement but it’s enough to create a gap between them. Mark watches him, the happy bubble he was in bursting too fast, as Fernando continues to roll slightly until his back is facing Mark. And it brings up such a vivid memory for Mark he wants to force Fernando back into his arms. But it didn’t work last time, so what makes Mark think it’s going to work now?

3RD NOVEMBER 2012 – ABU DHABI

Mark watches as Fernando climbs into bed beside him. But instead of curling into Mark’s arms he deliberately and definitely holds his back to Mark. Mark frowns as he props himself up on his elbows and looks over at him. He is trying to work out whether Fernando wants to talk or if he just wants some time to do his moody silent bit before he clings onto Mark for dear life. It’s a system Fernando developed because he thought it was unfair for him to take out his bad moods on Mark if it wasn’t Mark’s fault. So Mark watches him for a moment and his stomach drops when Fernando gives a dramatic exasperation, shoulders rising and falling to increase the effect; the deliberateness of it all. Mark runs a worried hand over his face because he is obviously the reason for Fernando’s mood, so he is going to get the sharp end of it. 

He’s worked out Fernando wants to talk. 

“Fernando?” Mark tries, not moving. It’s best for him to try and work out what he has done before he starts apologising. And Mark furiously wracks his brain because nothing obvious is springing to mind. He rifles through the things he said to the press over the weekend trying to find something that could have pissed Fernando off. But he hasn’t said anything abnormal. He had battered away the presses questions about how Fernando and he could make a marriage work when they were highly competitive athletes the same way he normally did. Fernando had even been laughing about it Thursday evening when Mark told him about the woman who wouldn’t stop pestering so he claimed they had certain ways of dealing with their competitiveness but Fernando had banned him from going into details. So it has to be something that had happened recently. 

But Mark couldn’t think of anything. Not one little thing. 

“Fernando, I know it hasn’t been a good day for you…” Mark starts uncertainly. The only real reason he can think for Fernando’s mood is qualifying. And with Mark starting second whilst Fernando is sixth it could cause a bit of friction between them. That was something they had had to deal with before. Mark thinks of himself as a bit of an expert in those situations. “But he’s at the back. This is good for you. You’ve just got to have an amazing start and beat him and then you bring the points back down. You can still win this Championship.” Mark says soothingly, dragging his lips gently over Fernando’s bare shoulder. Fernando rolls onto his back, looking up and the ceiling and forcing Mark to move back to his original position. 

“Is not the racing.” Fernando sighs. It’s a sad sigh. And it’s only now that Mark realises Fernando’s not angry with him, Fernando’s sad with him. Mark swallows nervously. 

“Then you’ve got to help me because I’ve got no idea what’s going on here.” Mark’s soft voice accompanied with the gently brushing of hair out of Fernando’s face doesn’t help the Spaniard. Fernando closes his eyes, forcing the tears to stay away. 

“Neither do I…” Fernando whispers and Mark moves his hand from his face, a deep frown set in his features. 

“You’re not making any sense.” Mark comments and Fernando sighs, swinging his legs off the bed and sitting on the edge. His back still turned to Mark. 

“Something…. Something is wrong…” Fernando says in such a small voice Mark has to lean forwards to hear him. He remains on his back, propped up by his elbows. 

“What’s wrong?” Mark asks, his throat becoming stupidly dry. Fernando seems to internally cringe as he senses this in Mark’s voice and it takes him a moment to pick up the courage to finish his sentence. 

“Something is wrong with us…” Fernando whispers. Mark grabs his shoulder and pulls him back into his tight embrace. 

“No there isn’t.” Mark says, placing a gentle kiss on Fernando’s neck. Fernando forces Mark’s arms off him but Mark just grabs for him again, pulling him tighter. 

“There is, Mark… We are not…” Fernando can’t find the word to finish his sentence. Mark places more kisses on his skin shaking his head. 

“We are. We’re fine. You’re just under a lot of pressure at the moment with the Championship. We’re fine, Fernando. Don’t… Don’t say that we’re not.” Fernando tries, and fails, again to get out of Mark’s grip. It’s becoming too much. Fernando can’t bare the desperate nature of Mark’s voice. 

“Mark-”

“-No, Fernando.” Mark pulls Fernando closer to his body. “Don’t.” Fernando turns in Mark’s hold and tries to wrestle out of his grip. 

“Mark!” 

“Fernando, don’t do this!” Mark pleads, gripping Fernando’s shoulders tightly. Fernando pushes Mark’s arms from around him and gets up off the bed moving across the room. Mark just watches him, panting slightly, wondering how this has all come about. In his opinion they were fine. So what could Fernando see that he couldn’t? 

“When was the last time you told me?” Fernando says suddenly, anger in his voice as he turns to Mark. Mark opens and closes his mouth a few times stupidly. 

“I… What?” Mark frowns. 

“The last time you told me you love me, Mark. When was the last time?” Fernando exasperates. Mark’s jaw locks a little. 

“That’s what this is about?” Mark accuses. Fernando shrugs. “You know I love you, Fernando. I fucking married you. People don’t just do that for fun.” 

“When was the last time you told me and meant it?” Fernando states more firmly. Mark gets off the bed. 

“This is stupid, Fernando, you know-”

“-When?” Fernando presses, his anger truly showing now. Mark exasperates, folding his arms and frowning at his husband. 

“Spa. Belgium.” Mark spits. 

“And why was this?” Fernando’s accusatory voice makes Mark’s tone harsh. 

“What the fuck are you trying to get me to say?” Mark shoots and Fernando crosses back over to the bed. He sits heavily on the edge and falls back, pressing his palms over his eyes. Mark pulls his legs up just before he falls on them and his arms drop to his sides, sympathy washing over his face. 

“Feel weird…” Fernando breathes, his voice catching and revealing his attempts to hold back tears. Mark leans over him and straddles his waist, placing both of his hands on either side of Fernando’s face. He uses one hand to moves Fernando’s away from his face. Fernando blinks up at him, tears glistening in his eyes. 

“Tell me.” Mark says softly. Fernando lets out a shaky breath. 

“Feel like we are broken.” Mark resists the urge to pull Fernando into a bone breaking hug. 

“We’re not broken, Fer…” Mark says, pushing his hand into Fernando’s hair. “We’re just… Bent a bit. It’s Ok. We can fix this. We can fix anything.” 

“But you only tell me you love me in Spa because you were scared. You were scared because I could have been hurt. You were worried I had…” 

“Fernando, I don’t understand what you’re saying.” 

“We are drifting apart, no? Do you not feel this too?” 

“You’re under a lot of pressure. Things will go back to normal one the Championship is over. You feel like we’re drifting apart because you’re priorities are being pulled. I don’t mind taking the back seat for a while. It’s fine. I understand you’ve got to do this. And I want to see you win. So I don’t mind fading into the background a bit until the season is over. Then we will have winter break to celebrate and we can get back on track. I understand, Fer, I really do.” Mark touches his lips to Fernando’s and Fernando wraps his arms around Mark’s neck, pulling him closer and deepening their kiss. Mark breaks from him momentarily to move them back into the bed, heads against the pillow and wrapped in each other’s arms before kissing Fernando again. Fernando pulls away, sinking into Mark’s chest before feigning sleep. Mark kisses the top of his head fondly before closing his eyes and relaxing. 

Fernando lays on Mark with his eyes wide open, persuading himself that Mark is right and that it is just the pressure of the Championship that is forcing him to think this isn’t working anymore. He’s trying to fit too much into his life and he’s afraid that if he continues to live as he is something very important to him will slip through his fingers. And that’s logical to Fernando. It makes sense to him that he’s trying to make too much work at once. So he takes Mark’s offer at putting their relationship to the side for a little while whilst he focuses on getting his third title. And closing his eyes he imagines all the ways he can make it up to Mark over winter break…

As Mark thinks back over that evening in Abu Dhabi he is surprised that he couldn’t see that was the beginning of the end. In retrospect, it seems so obvious. But maybe he was just glad to have Fernando smiling at him again at the time. Maybe that was why he had over looked the signs that things weren’t right a year and a half into their marriage. 

Mark turns to look at Fernando now, softly asleep with a delicate frown painted over his features. He wonders what Fernando could be dreaming about to make him frown. Maybe it’s a memory. Maybe it’s a bad memory. Maybe it’s the memory of what Mark did to put the final nail in the coffin of their relationship. Mark panics a little at that. He doesn’t want Fernando remembering what he did. He still cannot look at himself in the mirror without remembering how much of a dickhead he is. How he doesn’t really deserve a second chance with Fernando. 

But then Fernando starts to fidget again. 

And this brings Mark securely back to the present. Because this isn’t an I’m-uncomfortable-and-cannot-sleep-in-this-position fidget, this is the same fidget Fernando had in the hospital. When he was dreaming and clung so hard to Mark’s arm Mark never thought he would be able to let go. Mark doesn’t know what to do. It’s clear that having his arms around Fernando in the hospital had contained his movements. Mark is really starting to get freaked out by the sudden jerks of Fernando’s head and the increased sharpness of his breathing. 

Before Mark has a time to react he is rolling towards the edge of the bed. And Mark clamps his arms around his waist just before he surges off the edge and crashes to the floor. Fernando gasps himself awake and looks round in a panicked manner as if he cannot work out where he is. His breathing is still broken and wreaked but as his eyes fall on Mark he calms significantly and pushes into the Australian’s embrace. Mark pulls him close, stroking his hair. 

“Are you alright?” Mark asks as Fernando pulls at the back of Mark’s shirt to get him closer. Fernando nods and shakes his head at the same time, confusing Mark more than he already is. “It was just a dream, Fer… Ok? Just a dream… Nothing to worry about… I’m here… Shh, Fernando, I'm right here.” Mark coos as Fernando regulates his breathing. He clutches at Mark’s shirt until his knuckles turn white and Mark pries then off in fear the blood will never return. 

“Sorry…” Fernando breathes, pushing himself closer still into Mark’s chest. Mark kisses his forehead. 

“It’s all right…” Mark rubs soothingly up Fernando’s arm and feels the Spaniard relax. “You want to talk about it?”

“No.” Fernando says definitively, his hold on Mark tightening. 

“I’m sure it will make you feel better.”

“Do not want to relive it…” Fernando sighs and a bolt of panic shoots through Mark.

“Was it a memory?” Mark says suddenly. Fernando looks up at him. 

“Unless heads fly around disconnected from bodies in 2013 then no, this was just a dream.” Fernando says softly and Mark can’t help but chuckle at him slightly, relaxing and pulling Fernando into his grip. 

“You want to try and sleep again?” Mark asks, looking at the clock. 5:14am. Fernando shakes his head. “All right. Just close your eyes and rest then, mate. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.” Mark says, placing another kiss on Fernando’s head and Fernando nods, breathing deeply as he repositions himself a bit more comfortably on Mark. There is silence as they both lay with their eyes closed listening to the other breathing. Fernando isn’t going to sleep just in case the dream comes back and Mark isn’t going to sleep in case Fernando does and needs rousing from whatever his mind presents to him in his unconscious state. 

“Mark?” Fernando whispers suddenly. Mark rubs a few circles into Fernando’s back.

“Yes, Fernando.” Mark returns softly. 

“Want to go home.” 

“Soon, Fernando. Really really soon.”

\- - - - -

Fernando looks out of the tiny window beside him. They hadn’t been stopped by anyone as they made their way to the plane or the airport in that manner. Mark had explained than Stefano had tipped the press off into thinking Fernando had already left the country which had relaxed Fernando drastically. He didn’t want to have to try and answer questions about things he probably wouldn’t understand. He clutches Mark’s hand tighter at the thought. 

“You all right?” Mark asks and Fernando turns from the window to face him, smiling softly. He nods. “You sure? Because if I’m not mistaken you’re currently trying to break all the bones in my hand.” Mark smiles as Fernando blushes and releases his vice-like grip. 

“Sorry.” Fernando mutters. Mark keeps looking at him, waiting for a little bit more of an explanation. Fernando sighs. “Just had a though.”

“A memory thought?” Mark says, his voice loosing its calm, light-heartedness. Fernando frowns at him a little. 

“No. Just a regular thought.”

“Good.” Mark sighs, turning back to stare at the chair in front of him. 

“Why?” Fernando queries. Mark turns back to him. 

“Why what?”

“Is this good that am not having memory thoughts?”

“It’s not.” Mark says in an even tone. Fernando blinks at him. 

“But you say-”

“-I think you’re hearing things, Fernando.” Mark smiles. Fernando can tell he’s being defensive. And Fernando also knows he’s not hearing things. 

“Am not.” Fernando pouts. Mark shakes his head slightly, smiling and turning back to face the chair in front. Fernando folds his arms. “Mark, what is it you do not want me to remember?” Fernando asks quietly. Mark looks over at him with wide eyes. 

“Nothing. I want you to remember who you are, Fernando.” Mark says sincerely. Fernando shakes his head. 

“There is something you do not want me to know. There is something.”

“There really isn’t, Fer. I just want you back.” Fernando ponders what Mark has said for a moment.

“There is something.”

“There isn’t.”

“Is.”

“Isn’t.”

“Is!”

“Fernando, don’t be a child about this.” Mark exasperates, running a hand over his face.

Really acting your age, mate. 

Fernando blinks and clings to Mark’s arm, feeling suddenly very dizzy. Those five memory words make him want to yell at Mark, punch him. Anger burns in him briefly and he digs his nails deeper into Mark’s arm in answer to it. Mark gasps at the sudden shot of pain, turning back to face Fernando. Words form on the Spaniard’s lips before he can stop them.

“Am not being a child, Mark.”

“What?” Mark asks. It had to be coincidence. But Fernando is gripping his arm tightly and his eyes have glazed over. Mark listens to the emergency instructions and the call of the destination of the plane without taking his eyes off Fernando. Fernando stopped listening to everything ages ago. He forces himself to say those words again.

Am not being a child, Mark. 

“You are, Fernando! This is ridiculous. You’re throwing your toys out of your pram like a two year old!” 

“Can you blame me? Really?” 

“You’re stubbornness is really fucking annoying sometimes.” Mark exasperates, walking towards the bathroom and leaving Fernando sitting on the floor amid the pile of clothes he has been throwing around. 

“Is this why you did it?” Fernando seethes, knotting his arms together tighter. Mark turns back to him and throws him a ludicrous look. 

“What?” Mark asks darkly, barely moving his lips. 

“Is this the reason?” 

“You’re fucking joking, right? You’re not really asking me that.” Mark says, shaking his head slightly. Fernando shrugs. 

“There has to be a reason. Or maybe not. Maybe there was no reason. Maybe I mean that little.” Fernando’s tone is wavering over desolate anger but it makes Mark snap. 

“I can’t keep having this fucking conversation. I’m sorry! I fucked up. I know I did and I’ve never blamed you. You know you mean the world to me, Fernando. You told me you forgave me, you can’t keep throwing this in my face!” 

“Maybe I have not.” Fernando pushes himself off the floor and walks towards the balcony. Mark grabs his elbow and spins him round. 

“Have not what?” 

“Have not forgiven you.” Mark blinks at Fernando’s words in disbelief. 

“You can’t… You can’t fucking do that, Fernando!” 

“Can do whatever I want… You did.” Fernando spits. Mark’s hands fly into his hair as he paces away from Fernando. Fernando just folds his arms, staring at him in a bored manner- 

“-Fernando?” Mark’s real voice brakes over the memory voice and Fernando turns his attention to him. The plane is already moving down the runway. Mark notes just how little colour there is in Fernando’s face. He cups Fernando’s face and strokes his cheek, trying to keep Fernando calm. Fernando is just staring at him, a pained and confused expression battling onto his face. “It’s all right, Fernando. What happened?” Mark coos quietly. Fernando remains stone still. “Fernando? Fernando, I need you to talk to me.” Mark tries but Fernando is still staring at him. 

Because what could Mark have possibly done that would make Fernando not forgive him? It had to be drastic; Fernando couldn’t see himself getting so angry about something insignificant. He thought back to the dream he had had last night. The way faces and words seemed to swim around him just how they had that night in the hospital. Nothing makes sense and the tangle of questions that burn through his mind get in a worse knot every time he tries to disentangle it. So what could Mark possibly have done? Fernando must have forgiven him now thought; they were married. It can’t have been that bad. Fernando sighs and shakes his head slightly. 

“Am fine.” Fernando murmurs in a voice that is barely audible. It doesn’t fool Mark.

“Fernando, just tell me what happened. You’re as white as a sheet.” Mark soft voice wraps around him and he doesn’t want to reveal the horrid memory or the traumatising thoughts it has left him with. He shakes his head a little more definitely. 

“Nothing… Was nothing…”

“Fernando, just talk to me.”

What happened to talking about our problems? 

“Stop it…” Fernando gasps, clutching his hands on the side of his head and clamping his eyes shut. Mark lets him move from his grip, feeling like he is in too deep with this. He should have left Fernando with Lewis. Lewis would have explained. Lewis would have told Fernando everything. Mark can’t bring himself to; he is holding onto that sliver of hope that Fernando can’t remember what he did. The thing that told them they were having problems. The thing Fernando had such a hard time forgetting. The thing Fernando couldn’t forgive him for. 

“Fernando, mate… You’re scaring me.” Mark sighs, placing a hand on Fernando’s shoulder. Fernando shakes his head slightly. 

“Home… Mark, want to go home…” Fernando gasps, rocking himself ever so slightly. 

This was a mistake. Mark knows it before it has even happened. There is nothing he can do now. They’re in the air. They’re flying towards their destination. Mark pushes the armrest between Fernando and him up and pulls him close. Fernando moves his hands from his head and onto Mark but keeps his eyes tightly shut.

“Fernando, please…” Mark tries to stop his voice from breaking but it doesn’t work. He places soft lips on the top of Fernando’s head. “Please tell me what’s going on... What’s happening?”

This isn’t happening. You’re not saying this. I don’t believe it. Something else is going on. Not this. You don’t want this. 

“Mark… Stop… Cannot…” Fernando buries himself closer to Mark but it just makes the memory voice more powerful. Mark tries to understand what Fernando wants him to stop doing but he can’t. He can’t know without Fernando telling him. Fernando can’t take it. Fernando can’t take these random phrases that keep appearing in his head. He can’t understand what they mean. He can’t understand the context. And it’s not fair. He doesn’t feel like he can ask Mark because he knows Mark doesn’t want him to remember something. And now Fernando thinks that maybe that something is the thing Fernando refused to forgive him for. 

“Fernando, please…” Mark wraps his arms tighter around Fernando. “Stop what? What do you want me to stop?” The ding of the pilot turning the seatbelt signs off gives Fernando the incentive to push out of Mark’s hold. He unclips himself from the seat and moves down the cabin. Mark doesn’t call for him; he doesn’t want to draw attention to him. But he does get up, calmly follows Fernando towards the toilets. Fernando throws the cubicle door open and slams his back into it, forcing it shut. He slides down the door, hands clutching the side of his head again. 

This isn’t what you want. It’s what he wants. What Lewis wants. Fernando, don’t do this. 

“Fernando?” Fernando hears Mark call to him quietly from the other side of the door. His head is pounding with the sentences he doesn’t understand. “Are you all right, mate? I just want to know you’re Ok.” Fernando shakes his head rapidly before throwing his body forwards and vomiting in the toilet. He gasps for breath between sobbing, vomiting and coughing, holding the toilet tightly in fear of something else slipping in his life. Fernando can’t take the words anymore. He wants to remember. He wants to remember now but it feels like the answers are locked away in his head and he can’t remember where he’s left the key. 

Fernando’s glad he didn’t manage to lock the door when it opens behind him. Mark lets himself in and crouches beside Fernando, rubbing his back. He doesn’t say anything. He can’t think of anything to say. He just tries to calm Fernando down. Fernando breathes deeply, trying to stop the sudden gasps for air and just relax into Mark’s touch. It’s something he does fairly easily and before he knows it he is sitting back against one of the walls on the cubicle, his fingers linked with Mark’s as Mark runs small circles on the back of his hand. Fernando sighs contently, resting his head against the wall and feeling suddenly drowsy. Mark watches him slump against the wall. 

“Fernando?” Mark asks, breaking the silence. Fernando forces his eyes open to look at Mark. 

“Mmm…” Fernando acknowledges. 

“What did you want me to stop?” Mark asks, his voice soft. Fernando adjusts slightly against the wall.

“Nothing…” Fernando mutters, tightening his grip on Mark slightly in fear of the Australian walking away. Mark’s not happy with the answer, but he lets it go. Pulling Fernando to his feet, he leads them both out of the room. Just as Mark is about to step outside Fernando closes the door again. Mark frowns down at him. “What did I do?”

“Huh?” Mark asks, confused. Fernando swallows, gripping Mark’s shoulder as well as his hand. 

“What did I do? Why did we have a fight?”

“I will tell you, Fernando. I promise. But not now. You need to calm down. Just wait until we get home. Then I’ll tell you.” Mark says softly, pressing his lips against Fernando’s. Fernando nods and by time Mark has them both back in their seats Fernando is all ready asleep on his shoulder. Mark wraps an arm around him, pulling him close. He wants to hold onto every second he has with Fernando until he has to tell him. 

Until he has to explain Lewis’ role in their lives. 

\- - -

Fernando slept for most of the rest of the journey, again missing the announcement of where they were landing. He holds Mark’s hand securely and lets himself be towed by the Australian as they disembark the plane. The moon shines brightly across the tarmac of the runway and Fernando clings tighter to Mark as the cold breeze sweeps past them. Mark shrugs out of his jacket and hands it to Fernando. Fernando shakes his head. 

“You need this more.” Mark says, hanging it over Fernando’s shoulders. Fernando relents his protest and slips his arms inside before huddling close to Mark again. Once inside the airport, where it was a lot warmer, Mark links their hands together but Fernando still stays close, dragging his suitcase behind him. 

“Do you not feel like you have lost a day?” Fernando muses as they pass the signs directing them to passport control. Mark shrugs. 

“Yeah, I hate it. I was coming home race night but it was more important I stayed with you. I just rearranged the tickets.” Fernando looks up at Mark as they join the back of the cue being checked into the country. 

“You were coming home race night?” Fernando asks. Mark looks down at him with a small, confused frown. 

“Yeah. Had nothing else I needed to do.” When Fernando gives him a blank look, Mark adds: “I’m not longer in the sport am I.”

“Of course…” Fernando says, shaking his head a little. This memory thing is really starting to piss him off. “But you say you were coming home. Were you coming alone?” Fernando asks. Mark moves forwards and passes his passport over to the man behind the desk. Once it is checked, Fernando does the same and joins Mark on the other side of the barrier. Mark doesn’t retake Fernando’s hand. 

“Yeah, I was coming home alone.” Mark says, grimacing to himself. He really doesn’t want to get into this now. Fernando frowns up at him. 

“Why? Was I coming later?” Mark doesn’t look over at Fernando. He keeps staring at his feet. 

“It’s a little complicated mate. Just wait until we’re home and I’ll explain-” Mark stops suddenly when he looks to his right, where Fernando should be, and finds out he is walking alone. A small sense of panic jolts through him as he lifts his suitcase off the floor and spins on the spot, his eyes frantically searching the people brushing past him. “Fernando?” Mark says, thinking he couldn’t have gone that far. It’s only, a few minutes later, when the crowd from their flight have past that Mark sees him. He moves back over to Fernando, putting his case by the Spaniard’s feet. “Fernando?”

Fernando isn’t listening. He has stopped walking, frozen to the spot, as he stares at the sign. It’s not right. Fernando can feel the panic rising in him again. He shakes his head slightly. He can’t pull his eyes from the sign. He takes a couple of steps backwards. Mark grabs his shoulders to stop him from moving. And Fernando looks at him. His eyes widen and his breathing shallow. He’s hyperventilating. Mark rubs his shoulder softly. But the sign is wrong. There is no Spanish on it. It’s just English. All written in English. And all the people are speaking English. And the tanoid is speaking in English. And the banners and posters are all in English. 

“Where am I?” Fernando breathes, eyes glued to Mark. Mark sigh shows sadness and sorrow in his eyes; he knew this would happen. It was just too late when he realised Fernando probably wasn’t ready for it. 

“You’re home, Fer.” Mark tries a smile but Fernando shakes his head. 

“Is not Spain.”

“No… No, we’re in England, Fernando.” Fernando’s eyes widen at Mark’s words. “Come on. Let me take you home. Let me take you home and then I can explain everything.” Mark coos, taking Fernando’s hand and his own suitcase. Fernando lets Mark drag him forwards, eyes darting everywhere. And Fernando doesn’t like it. Not one tiny little bit.

How long had he been living in England?


	8. And Just Leaving Me Behind?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's scary when you forget who you are.  
> Even scarier when you are scared of who you've become.

"Well, this is a little awkward..." Fernando mutters, hands clasped around the coffee he's not sure he wants anymore. Mark smiles at him from across the table. It's an odd thing to be sitting here together under a new context. Fernando keeps frantically looking around, checking himself in case they're being watched. They are not, but Fernando can't shake the feeling that everyone knows. 

"You need to relax, mate." Mark chuckles as he lifts his own mug to his lips. Fernando looks at him like he's mental. Mark rolls his eyes at him, placing the mug back down. "It's not like we haven't done this before."

"But we have not have we." Fernando presses. Mark smiles at him again. 

"You've got nothing to worry about, Fer. No one knows. No one cares." Mark insures, rubbing soft fingers across the back of Fernando's hand. The tingle of electricity is instant. His eyes fall on Mark's hand before they travel up to connect with the brilliant pools of hazel. Something they have done a million times before but now it feels like so much more. Now it is a momentous step forwards. Fernando swallows dryly.  "So Ferrari?" Mark asks, removing his hand from Fernando's. Fernando instantly wants the connection back. 

"Huh?" 

"For next year?" 

"Oh... Yes." Fernando nods with a small smile. Mark laughs lightly at him again. "Renault have been good to me second time round-" Mark's scoffs and Fernando rolls his eyes. "But need a car I can beat you in." He teases. Mark gives him an intrigued look. 

"You think you can beat me just because you're in a Ferrari?" Mark asks. Fernando shrugs. 

"Is better than a car that gets lapped." Fernando adds. Mark nods as he brings his mug to his lips. As Mark is drinking a swirling warm feeling fills Fernando's stomach as something softly runs up the back of his leg. He blinks a little confused at Mark before he looks down to his right to try and work out what is going on. Mark grabbed his wrist. Fernando looks over at him. 

"You feel this too?" Fernando asks, looking over to the door to see if it was a draft coming in. Mark smiles at him. 

"It was my foot, Fernando." Mark says softly. Fernando blushes slightly. 

"Right." Fernando mutters. Mark beams at him. 

"I like this." Mark glows. Fernando frowns at him a little. 

"This?" 

"Nervous Fernando." Mark continues making Fernando blush more. "He's adorable." 

"Am not adorable..." Fernando mutters, dropping his head a little and hunching his shoulders a tad that just reinforces Mark's point. 

"You are." Mark smiles. Still having hold of Fernando's wrist, he begins to trace lines across it. He smiles wider as he hears the content hum come from Fernando's lips. It's beautiful and delicate and Mark didn't know someone so strong and determined could make such a vulnerable sound. "Are you going to drink that coffee, mate?" Fernando pulls his eyes open, not realising that he had closed them in the first place, and looks down at his still full mug. He doesn't really want it because that would mean taking his hand back from Mark and he definitely doesn't want to do that. So he shrugs. Mark laughs at him again. "Finish it up," Mark directs lightly and he reluctantly gets to his feet and finishes his own. "I'll go and settle up." Fernando nods, watching Mark cross over to the counter. He doesn't want his coffee. Thinking Mark isn't watching he swaps Mark's empty mug for the full one in front of him. He can hear Mark's light laugh as he returns. "On what planet do I not realise my mug has miraculously filled itself back up?" He smiles. 

"The one where you think am adorable." Fernando returns smoothly. Mark salutes him with the mug before downing the tepid liquid in one go. He holds his hand out to Fernando. 

"Come on then." Mark smiles as Fernando takes his hand getting up. They walk out of the café into the cold afternoon air still connected. As Mark lets go of his hand Fernando pushes himself closer to the Australian trying to steal his heat. Mark adjusts a scarf around Fernando's neck before beaming at him. "See? Adorable. You don't even have to try." Fernando pouts at him moodily. 

"Why does it have to be cold?" He complained as they began walking back towards the hotel. 

"Because it's England." Mark shrugs. Fernando walks close to him. 

"Cannot believe you seriously want to live here." 

"It's a nice country." 

"Spain is warmer." 

"Maybe I want to be in the heart of the cold weather." _Perfect snuggle weather._

"Are crazy." Fernando concludes. 

"But in a good way?" Mark pushes. Even though it's cold he can still see the faint blush that streaks across Fernando's cheeks. 

"Suppose." Fernando mumbles. _In the best way._ Mark seems to pick up on his unspoken comment. He wraps his fingers around Fernando's and begins leading him in a new direction. _Well, this is fine. Mark is just directing me. That is why he has my hand. No one can think this is weird._

"Stop freaking out." Mark smiles, pulling him down a crevice between two buildings. Fernando blushes more. 

"Am not." 

"I told you, no one cares. If you just act normal then no one will notice anything." Mark breathes. Fernando leans back against the wall behind him as Mark gently cups his face. 

"But this is not normal is it..." Fernando sighs. Mark's hand freezes. He panics that maybe Fernando doesn't want this. Maybe through all the conversations they have had Mark has somehow picked up the wrong end of the stick. Fernando opens his eyes at Mark's stilled movements. 

"What do you mean not normal?" Mark asks in a thick voice. Fernando pushes Mark's hand onto his cheek, holding it in place as the Australian tries to move it away. 

"This," Fernando says, gesturing between them with his free hand. "What we have is not normal... Is special." Mark lets out a relieved, breathy laugh, resting his forehead in Fernando's. "Do you not think?" Fernando breathes. Mark nods. 

"I definitely agree, mate." Mark smiles. Fernando tentatively wraps his arms around Mark's neck. They both look in each other's eyes trying to work out their next move. It's obvious by the close proximity of their bodies that they want the same thing but neither of them know what to do first. Mark brushes Fernando's hair out of his face, curling his fingers into it and Fernando closes his eyes, pushing into the touch. He spills his warm breath across Mark's face and it's all the Australian can do not to shove his tongue down his throat. But he knows that would be too much. Too fast. 

"Mark..." Fernando mutters, his eyes fluttering open and looking longingly at Mark. Mark would reply but he fears his voice would break. Instead, he rubs Fernando's nose gently with his own emitting the cutest giggle from the Spaniard. Mark smiles as Fernando plays with the hair at the nape of his neck. He finds himself pushing Fernando into the wall by his hips, holding him in place. Fernando gently tugs Mark closer to him until their noses touch again. There is a moment where they both look into each other's eyes and then Mark closes the gap, pressing his lips gently against Fernando's. It's weird and soft and gentle. Weird because it feels like it needs to me more but Mark doesn't push it. He leans back from Fernando, observing the fact that the line of friendship had effectively been crossed. Fernando pulls Mark back, catching the Australian's bottom lip between his own. Mark risks swiping his tongue across Fernando's lips and is met with urgent tugs as Fernando tries to pull him closer. He smiles, wrapping one hand tightly around Fernando's back as the other begins its mission of messing Fernando's hair. 

Fernando eventually reluctantly pushes Mark off him, almost gasping for air. They look at each for a minute, Mark brushing his lips with his fingers subconsciously as Fernando runs his hand through his hair, mapping out the path Mark traced. Suddenly, Fernando pushes off the wall, throwing himself back towards the Australian. Mark grabs Fernando's shoulders as the Spaniard moves towards him again and he flushes bright red, trying to move back to the wall. Mark just pulls him closer.

“No...” Mark breathes, cradling his head. “Just... Take a moment...”

“But I-”

“-Take a moment for me, yeah?” Mark requests, looking down into Fernando's eyes. Fernando frowns a little.

“Do not-”

“-If you kiss me again...” Mark gives Fernando a look he hopes converts his need his desperation to do it again, but also what it would lead to if he did. Fernando does not get that vibe. He moves into Mark's arms.

“Want to...” Fernando mutters, pressing his lips into the skin of Mark's neck. Mark abruptly pulls him away.

“Please, Fernando...” He breathes, holding Fernando an arms length away. Fernando deflates slightly, his body tingling with need. "Just-"

“-Want to.” Fernando pleads, trying to get closer to Mark. Mark's steers him back onto the street, pretty much pulling him through the crowd. Fernando pulls his wrist from Mark's grip. "Where are we-?"

“-Back to the hotel.” Mark exhales impatiently. Fernando smiles softly, loving how he has somehow managed to unwind Mark so easily. He falls into step next to Mark, almost jogging down the street. Feeling slightly breathless Fernando reaches for Mark's hand and threads their fingers together. The gently pressure brings Mark to a stop and he looks over at Fernando who smiles gently back. So innocent and full of promise, Mark knows in that instant they want the same thing. Maybe they always have, but it makes love bubble inside the Australian and it takes all of his will power not to kiss Fernando right now in the middle of the street.

“Back to the hotel.” Fernando confirms, keeping a tight hold of Mark's hand and leading him at a much more relaxed pace. Mark pulls close to Fernando, stealing a secret chaste kiss that could have been mistaken by anyone else as Mark whispering in Fernando's ear.

\- - -

Fernando lies on his side with his hands tucked under his head. Three days. Three days he has been in the strange house in England. Three days he has stayed on his own in the spare room. And this is the third day he has woken up to that memory. He doesn't know why it's suddenly so prominent in his head but it's all he can think about. The first time he had kissed Mark. That first jump of crossing the line from friends to lovers. Which apparently escalated to more than lovers. He spins the ring on his fingers, sighing deeply. He can't remember any more. Just up until he started taking Mark back to the hotel.

He so desperately wants the memory to be real. It feels real. He always wakes up with the tingle on his lips and the desperate need rushing through his body. The feelings are all real but he can't help but think that maybe he's made the whole thing up. Maybe it really never happened like that. Maybe it was messy. Maybe it was accidental. Maybe it was a drunken mistake that evolved into a feeling neither of them could ignore until they had to admit it was true. One thing is clear though; they are in love.

Or definitely had been.

Things keep playing on Fernando's mind. Mark's want to stay away from him. Mark's almost abandonment of him. Lewis' desperation to get him away from Mark. Lewis' certainty that Mark had done something to him. Lewis in general. The grey envelope. Why Mark still hadn't fixed his phone. Why Mark was still keeping his phone from him. The memory doesn't really seem to fit anywhere in his life at the moment. And he can't talk to Mark about it because he doesn't want to be told it isn't true. There is something about it that sits funny with him and he can't seem to place his finger on it.

But none of that matters this morning because his need for Mark is painful. He never thought he could need something as much as he needs Mark right now. It might be the case that everything is so up in the air right now Fernando just needs something to root him to the ground. That seems logical. Fernando’s feet itch to get up and cross the hallway to Mark’s room but the thing holding him in place is Mark’s possible rejection. Fernando doesn’t think he can deal with that again. He needs to know he can go to Mark and ask questions and get answers. He has been too scared so far to ask Mark about Lewis. He doesn’t think he really want to know. It is all too good having Mark here and feeling cared for. What Lewis could offer that is better baffles Fernando. He can’t ever think of being with anyone else but Mark.

Because he’s worked out that much: he’s worked out that somehow Lewis and he are together.

Fernando has also considered that maybe that’s the fight Mark and he had. Maybe Mark found out about him and Lewis and that lead to this fracture in his relationship. But none of that makes any sense because Fernando knows he would never do that to Mark. There is no possible way Fernando would ever do anything to hurt Mark. He knows that. Deep down he knows how much that would tear him apart. But something has happened that has lead to Lewis and him. Fernando is just too scared to ask.

Throwing back the duvet, Fernando no longer cares if Mark kicks him out. He needs to see him. He needs to know that the love they felt five years ago (he has guessed the memory sits about 2009 due to Mark’s Ferrari comment) is still there. He needs to know Mark hasn’t forgotten that day. He needs to know that that memory is actually real. He just needs Mark. The distance is killing him and maybe it’s this mystery fight that had pushed Mark to leave him in the spare room. Fernando shakes his head. He can’t stand the quietness anymore; the confusion it brings is intolerable.

He looks at the alarm clock and registers it’s just gone six in the morning. There is a possibility that Mark is asleep but Fernando doesn’t care. Opening the door slowly it creaks to announce his departure from the room and Fernando chastens it with a ‘shh’. Moving calmly, Fernando journeys over to Mark’s room and pushes of the door. It opens with no fight, allowing him into the room. He closes it behind him, leaning against it and letting it snap shut. Mark turns to face him with a small frown.

“Everything alright?” He asks, sitting up. Fernando’s eyes travel over the naked expanse of his torso and he suddenly feels like he’s wearing too many clothes. The soft cotton of the button up shirt and long pyjama bottoms seemed soothing comfort in his room alone. Now he longs to be just wearing some shorts like Mark. Mark continues to frown at him. “Fernando?”

“Thought you were asleep…” Fernando mutters, forcing his eyes up to Mark’s eyes instead of focusing on the toned, twisted muscles of his navel. Mark flicks on a lamp making Fernando wince slightly.

“No… I’ve been thinking, mate.” Mark says, pulling his pillow up against the headboard and leaning back on it. Fernando pushes off the door.

“About?” He asks softly, transferring his weight between his feet. Mark sighs before closing his eyes and resting his head back.

“Just stuff.” He mutters. There is no possible way he is telling Fernando he was thinking about the best way to bring up Lewis. He doesn’t want to. He wants Fernando to ask. That way he isn’t the one responsible for ruining this second chance. The sudden weight across his hips makes him open his eyes. Fernando is straddling him whilst his fingers make quick work of the buttons on his shirt. He has three left.

“We were in a café.” Fernando starts, letting the material of his shirt flutter by his side. Mark swallows dryly, a little confused.

“What?” Mark asks.

“You kept telling me to relax and stay calm.” He continues as he places Mark’s hands on his shoulders. On instinct Mark pushes the material away before his hands rest on Fernando’s hips.

“What are you talking about?” Mark asks. The pairing of those facts is familiar but Mark doesn’t dare let himself dream. Fernando discards his shirt of the end of the bed before resting his hands on Mark’s chest. He doesn’t say anything else, just lets his hands travel up Mark’s body until they’re around his neck playing with the hair at the nape. Fernando rests his body on top of Mark’s before pressing their lips together. He feels Mark’s hands dance up his back and he tries to push closer. His body is screaming at him to do anything he can to pulls Mark to him but Mark seems resolute in not doing anything. Fernando lets out a pleading moan as he disconnects their lips. Mark shakes his head. “Fernando, this isn’t-” His words are stopped as Fernando kisses him again, forcing him to relent to his tongue. Mark doesn’t want to fall back into this but he can feel Fernando practically throwing himself at him. It takes all of his will power to force that Spaniard off him.

“Please…” Fernando kisses into his neck, travelling down his body until he’s sitting up again. Mark swallows, trying to catch his breath but gasps when Fernando begins toying his cock through his pyjama shorts. He grabs for Fernando’s hand.

“You don’t understand-”

“-How did we get together?” Fernando asks softly, still brushing his fingers over Mark’s length gently. Mark swallows, staring at the ceiling as he tries to remember how to talk.

“Why do you-?”

“-Think I remember.” Fernando says softly. Mark looks at him.

“You remember?”

“Have had the same dream for the past three nights. Starts in a café and then we kiss and you get desperate to get back to the hotel but I calm you down. Cannot remember anymore after this. Want to, but I cannot.” Fernando explains as he moves down Mark’s legs a little. Mark blinks at him.

“You’ve started remembering stuff?”

“Only this.” Fernando says lightly, lying forwards and pressing a kiss into Mark’s navel. The reaction is instant and Mark’s hips buck off the bed. Fernando continues his slow path towards his throbbing member. Mark tangles his hand in his hair, forcing him to stop.

“It’s… It’s only a matter of time, Fernando. You’ll remember everything soon.” Mark says in a tone that implies he has not finished his train of thought.

“But…?” Fernando pushes. Mark looks down at him seriously.

“You don’t want to do this.” Mark says. Fernando lays a soft kiss on Mark’s hip and the Australian’s grip in his hair tightens.

“Do.” Fernando whispers, patterning kisses along Mark’s waistband. Mark shakes his head rapidly.

“You’ll remember and you’ll regret this.”

“Will not.”

“Fernando, trust me, I know.” Mark mutters sadly. In return, Fernando just pulls on Mark’s shorts until his cock is revealed. Mark moves to pull them back up but Fernando grabs his hands, using his feet to rid Mark’s legs of the material. “Fernando, don’t. You’ll regret this.” Mark says sternly.

“Need you, Mark.”

“No you don’t…” Mark sighs. Fernando glares down at him.

“Tell me what happens next.” He snaps. Mark pulls his hands from Fernando’s grip.

“I don’t know what-”

“-After we go to the hotel. What happens?” Fernando asks desperately. Mark sighs dejectedly.

“We just… We just kissed some more. Nothing happened. We got ice cream and you fell asleep in my arms.” Mark admits painfully. He can remember that first day too well. How perfect everything had been the whole day. How he had won in Brazil. How Fernando had declared they just had to go out to celebrate but could only find the café close enough to the track. And then that moment where Mark knew everything was about to change. Mark had celebrated their fifth anniversary together in October alone this year. He didn’t know why he had done it. It wasn’t like they were together anymore but they had always gone out to get coffee on their anniversary. He’d been home alone in England when it had come along this year. He felt miserable sipping on his coffee. It wasn’t right. He thought it would make him feel better but it just made him feel worse. It was all wrong without Fernando. Fernando didn’t try and find a new way to sneak his coffee into Mark’s. He had got horribly drunk that day and called Fernando, demanding he come home so they could talk about things. But Lewis had answered the phone. That hurt a lot. It was the day Mark finally accepted that it was all over. There was nothing more he could do.

“But you wanted more to happen?” Fernando asks, a small frown on his face. Mark feels very exposed trapped underneath the Spaniard naked. He pulls the duvet up over Fernando’s shoulders to cover himself.

“I was going on what you wanted, Fer. I didn’t want to push things too fast.” Mark explains. Fernando nods.

“But want this now.” Fernando mutters softly, his hand running up the outside of Mark’s thigh. Mark grabs his wrist and shakes his head.

“You don’t.”

“Do.”

“The real you doesn’t.” Mark spits slightly harshly. Fernando kisses him so gently Mark feels like they have fallen back two years. Back to the morning after they had got married. It’s dizzying and before he can stop himself he’s kissing Fernando back. Fernando lets a moan filter from his throat into Mark’s mouth as Mark pushes their bodies closer. Slightly panting Mark drops his head back on the pillow.

“Do not remember the ‘real’ me.” Fernando says softly. “This is the real me.” He promises and before Mark gets a chance to argue Fernando disappears under the duvet. Mark can feel Fernando moving over him but when his cock breaches Fernando’s soft lips he can’t help but gasp, throwing his head back as his hands fight with the duvet to find Fernando’s hair.

Fernando though he would be messy at this, get it wrong, have to stop. But what happened in the hospital happens again. He’s not in control of his movements. He is just a passenger of his own body. He moves in such a way, his tongue seeking out certain spots as he does so, that has Mark withering below him. The Australian is gasping, moaning, pleading. Streams of obscenities pour from his mouth as Fernando continues. Fernando seems to know Mark’s body pretty well. Know exactly what to do and where to add pressure to make his hips buck forwards or his grip tighten in his hair. Fernando can’t get enough of it. How this could ever be something he could regret is outstanding. He wants to draw Mark into him and never let him go. Mark’s legs wrap around his waist, pulling him closer as his ankles lock together. And Fernando, for some reason, takes this as the cue to hollow his cheeks.

“Fu… Fernando… Shit… Fernando, if you don’t stop I’m going to c-” Mark doesn’t get a chance to finish his sentence before he releases himself into Fernando’s mouth. Fernando holds his hips still, forcing him motionless as he continues to hollow out his cheeks, draining everything he can. Mark claws at his hair, desperate for the pleasure to never seize. Everything is too good. Mark had forgotten. It had been too long. When Fernando finally lets Mark go the Australian drags him up his body, kissing his desperately. Fernando is more than happy to let Mark roam through his mouth, seeking out his own taste. He rolls Fernando onto his back before breaking apart.

“You… You fucking swallowed…” Mark pants, cupping Fernando’s cheeks and running his thumb over his bottom lip. Fernando frowns slightly.

“This is bad?” Fernando asks, feeling a little disappointed in himself. Mark shakes his head vigorously.

“No… Fucking… No, definitely not bad. You just… You used to… You don’t normally.” Mark sighs. Fernando weaves his fingers through his hair.

“Where does it usually go then?” Fernando asks curiously. Mark can’t help but laugh at the innocence of Fernando’s question.

“I don’t know. You usually saunter off to the bathroom… I didn’t expect…” Mark shakes his head, beaming down at Fernando, wrapped safely in his arms. Fernando kisses his nose. He feels so very vulnerable right now. He wants to snuggle into Mark’s arms and never leave again. Everything feels right. He feels relaxed. Everything is normal. “Right…” Mark breathes before diving forwards and sucking at the bump of Fernando’s collarbone at the base of his neck. Fernando cries out, grabbing at Mark’s hand at the Australian persistently attacks his body. He gasps; throwing his lips onto Mark’s as Mark wraps his fingers around his cock.

“Wh… What…”

“Please don’t tell me you thought I wasn’t going to return the favour…” Mark kisses across his face. Fernando’s eyes open wide in anticipation as Mark slide down his body and as Mark pushes his lips over his member Fernando can’t think of anything but how good it all feels.

\- - -

It’s a little bit odd now. Fernando tries desperately to cling to the ‘new-and-in-love’ thing but Mark seems determined to keep reminding him that when he remembers everything he’s going to regret doing that. It’s quite annoying and Fernando’s finds when he follows the statement with: “Then why do I want to do it again?” Mark falls silent extremely quickly and somehow moves to cover his legs. That makes Fernando smirk.

He just wants to know why Mark keeps trying to push him away. Mark still won’t let him sleep in the same room even though, more often than not, Fernando goes to him and spends the night. Sometimes they just hold each other, sometimes they kiss and talk and others Fernando feels so overcome with need that the thought of not defiling Mark’s body physically hurts him. It’s now been a week since they got to the house in England and Fernando is starting to feel content. He doesn’t need any of his other memories as long as he has Mark. Little things are still bugging him and he sort of wants to know what they are but they come less and less annoying the more time he spends with Mark.

Mark gives him his phone back and promises he’ll answer any questions Fernando has (again, as he had so many times before).

Fernando considers asking some of the questions he has but his fear of upsetting the balance Mark and he have found in the big house in Buckinghamshire renders him mute. What’s the point in bringing up their obviously torrid past if Fernando can’t even remember? Whatever Mark or he did is buried in the past. Fernando is happy to forgive and forget, considering he has already forgotten. What’s the point in getting flustered about something he can’t even remember? He’s Ok not remembering as long as he has Mark.  

When he tells Mark that, Mark calls him stupid.

“You’ll remember and regret all of that.” Mark comments casually over his newspaper as they are eating breakfast. Fernando slams his fork down.

“Stop saying this! Why can you not just be happy we are together and fine and safe?” Fernando demands. Mark puts the newspaper down with a sigh.

“Because we’re not, Fernando. We’re not fine and even if you can’t remember I can.” Mark explains. Fernando folds his arms.

“But am happy here with you.” Fernando says softly. Mark gives a small laugh.

“You were, once.” He says darkly. Fernando doesn’t like his tone or the connotation in his voice. So he skips over it as if Mark hadn’t spoken.

“So what is the plan for today?” Fernando smiles, continuing on his breakfast. Mark slides his plate away. “Hey!” He laughs, reaching for it. Mark slides it further away until Fernando frowns up at him.

“You don’t need me to elaborate on that comment?” Mark asks. Fernando blushes a little.

“No…” He mutters, reaching for the plate. Mark moves it again.

“You’re fine just not understanding?” Fernando just shrugs, dropping his head a little. “Are you even trying to remember?”

“What is the point if it means loosing you?” Fernando says sadly, looking up at Mark with only his eyes.

“That’s not how this works, Fernando.” Mark tries.

“Is now. Do not want to go back to… Do not want to leave you.” Fernando amends. Mark narrows his eyes.

“You have questions don’t you.” Mark deduces. Fernando pulls his plate back.

“No…”

“Ask me, Fernando. It will help. I promise I will tell the-”

“-Do not want the truth!” Fernando spits, getting to his feet. “Want you! Why can I just not have you!”

“You’re being ridiculous, Fer. This is silly. The longer you fight this the worse it will be when you remember.”

“What if I never remember? Then you tell me these things for no reason!”

“You will remember.” Mark states. “You have to.”

“And if I do not?”

“I’ll still have to fill you in, Fernando. You’ve forgotten ten years. That’s not just a couple of days that’s a whole fucking decade! A lot of things happened that you need to remember.” Mark exasperates. Fernando storms out of the room, leaving Mark and his abandoned breakfast alone. Fernando doesn’t want to know. He’s scared of who he might have become. He’s scared that he cheated on Mark with Lewis. He’s sacred that there is a possibility he really hurt Mark badly. He’s petrified of himself and from the evidence he can see he doesn’t want to know him.

He’s remembered nothing since the memory of Mark and his first kiss. Before that he had had flashes of elated emotions as he lifted trophies above seas of people dressed in blue, then red. Flashes of standing on a stage in a tuxedo receiving a tall trophy with a lot of signatures on it. Flashes of a stroll with Mark through a park in the moonlight that is coupled with being pressed against a tree as Mark’s hands ran all over him. But nothing substantial. Nothing solid of vivid like them memory of their first kiss. It’s the flashes of arguments that scare him most. He doesn’t want to know. He doesn’t want to hear horrific words passed from mouth to mouth. Each time he gets a flash of a memory he has a rush of urge to call Lewis. But he doesn’t. He’s put his phone on top of his wardrobe so he has to climb on a chair to get it. Normally, by time the chair is in place he has changed his mind about calling the Brit.

So that night when he wakes up, coated in sweat and breathing hard, he runs for Mark. Because that can’t be real. It just simply can’t.

-

“Mark?” Fernando calls softly. He’s tried the door four times but it’s not budging. Mark has obviously locked it. Fernando knocks again. “Mark, can you let me in please?”

“Go away, Fernando.” Mark calls back. Fernando deflates against the doorframe.

“Please?”

“If you don’t want my help remembering fine, but you can’t do this. It isn’t fair.”

_It isn’t fair._

Fernando’s fist clench as he pushes the dream/memory out of his head. It can’t be real. It simply can’t.

“Can I come in?” Fernando asks in a voice that is truly broken.

“No.” Mark sends back, hating himself for turning Fernando away. Fernando nods, running his hand down the soft wood. It sort of confirms it. Maybe the dream is real.

“Ok…” Fernando says quietly. He moves away from the door with tears stinging in his eyes. It makes sense now. He understands how he’s not being fair. And he feels horrible and he hates himself. Hugging his arms tightly around him, Fernando moves down the stairs. The tears rush down his cheeks and he hates himself more for being so pathetic. He did this. This is all his fault. Fernando shakes his head as he sinks to the floor at the bottom of the stairs.

_Please, let’s just talk about this. You need to calm down-_

_-Do not have to do anything, Mark._

_You’re being rash!_

He’s that man. He’s that man with the harsh tone and no patience for Mark. There is no forgiveness in him. He probably doesn’t even understand the word. He’s cold and harsh and mean. Fernando hates him. Fernando hates the man he has become. He doesn’t even want to remember. He never wants to think about it. He just wants Mark. But of course Mark can’t forgive him. Fernando made sure of that.

He forces himself onto his feet and moves over to Mark’s cabinet full of pictures. Frame after frame of Mark’s family. One of him and his dad, one of him and his mum, one of his mum and dad, of his dogs, of his entire family with him in the middle, him and his sister, his sister’s family, him and his nephew. But none of Fernando. Not one. Not even one that looks cropped so Fernando could have been cut out of it. They just aren’t there. Fernando doesn’t exist in this collage of family. The ring feels odd on his finger now and he feels so alone, so abandoned. So outside. He pushed himself out. He dries the tears rapidly from his face as he heads over to Mark’s laptop.

He has to know. Mark is shutting him out and he doesn’t appear on the pictures. As the computer starts itself up, Fernando moves through to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water. He’s not focusing on what he’s doing, head too caught up in the memories of his dream. He should stop calling it a dream; everything is pointing to it being real. It actually happened.

_Is what is best for us._

_No, no this is what is best for you and him!_

CRASH. Fernando manages to knock the pile of pots Mark and he had used for dinner across the kitchen floor. He sinks to the floor amid them trying to keep hold of himself. It’s all too much and he just wishes Mark would pull him into an embrace and explain how he’s got it all wrong. That’s not what’s happening right now. It can’t be. Abandoning the kitchen he moves through to Mark’s laptop. His fingers move swiftly over the square pad he assumes is the mouse and opens up the web page. He’s typing before he can stop himself.

_Mark Webber and Fernando Alonso_

He clicks the ‘news’ tab as soon as he has the chance and scrolls down slightly:

_FERNANDO ALONSO IN KNOCK OUT CRASH DURING THE BRAZILIAN GRAND PRIX_

**_Fernando Alonso_ ** _was running third in the… **Mark Webber** picked him up from the hospital much to the shock of…_

_WHY ALONSO LEFT WITH WEBBER: THE THEORIES_

**_Fernando Alonso_ ** _crashed out of the Brazilian Grand… Hamilton gives words on his annoyance that the hospital let **Mark Webber** take **Alonso** after he was…_

_WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR HAMILTON?_

_… **Fernando Alonso** wasn’t spotted leaving with **Mark Webber** but when **Webber** sneaked out after being seen… and **Alonso** leaving with ex- **Mark Webber** , does this mean it’s the back seat for Lewis…_

Fernando has frozen. But maybe the press had got it wrong. Maybe they were just twisting things for gossip. Fernando finds himself scrolling through articles until he hits one that is indisputable. Because everyone is publishing the same thing… _MARK WEBBER AND FERNANDO ALONSO SPLIT AFTER JUST OVER TWO YEARS...22 nd August… Mystery to most, the couple won’t share their reason… Just celebrated their second year anniversary and Alonso’s thirty-second birthday… Webber was out in Spain for his birthday… Separated on good or bad terms? Only they know… Lewis Hamilton has been see at Alonso’s Spanish home over the summer break… Neither of the couple nor any of their associates with comment at this present time…_

“What are you doing?” Mark asks from the doorway. Fernando doesn’t hear him, too caught up in his memory.

_You are retiring anyway._

_You told me to!_

_I suggested this was best for you, if you wanted to keep racing you should have._

_So that’s it? We’re just giving up._

_No. Am moving on._

_And just leaving me behind?_

“Shit…” Mark mutters, turning the laptop towards him. He looks at Fernando again. “Fernando? What happened? Can you tell me please?” Mark coos, rubbing Fernando’s shoulders. Fernando doesn’t answer. He just throws himself into Mark’s arms, knocking the Australian to the floor. He kisses him with tears pouring down his face. Mark pulls him close, cradling him to his body. “Fernando what made you search that?” Mark presses softly. Fernando just clung closer, kissing into Mark’s neck. Mark sat them up, drying Fernando’s face. “Fernando-?”

“Is not true. Tell me is not true. Yes? Is just stupid press taking things the wrong way? They see us argue and they assume. Is not true, Mark… Cannot…” Fernando shakes his head, clinging to Mark closer. Mark reluctantly pulls his laptop to him and finds the article. He hands it to Fernando with his arms wrapped tightly around him.

_STATEMENT FROM FERNANDO ALONSO ON 26 TH AUGUST 2013:_

_“It has come to my attention that there are rumours circulating about Mark and my split. I am here today to confirm that is true and we are heading into divorce proceedings-”_

“-Stop it.” Fernando breathes, throwing the laptop aside, ignoring the rest of the page of his words and curling into Mark’s arms. Mark rubs his back soothingly.

“Fernando-” Mark mutters softly. Fernando clamps his hands over his ears.

“Is not happening. Do not believe it.”

“Fernando-” Mark pulls his hands away from his ears.

“-Cannot be happening.” Fernando pleads. Mark gives him a sympathetic look.

“It’s true, mate.” Mark says sadly. Fernando shakes his head.

“But I love you! Why would we do this?” Fernando’s words sting Mark. Maybe a hint of truth in them but more of a younger Fernando to the one he knows now; Mark knows Fernando doesn’t really love him any more. There is no possible way he could. Mark shakes his head.

“Why did you search that?”

“I dream…” Fernando’s voice fades off as he remembers something else.

_You don’t want this. He’s pushed you into this._

_I do, Mark. Is my decision._

_Good luck completing it without my help._

_You will have to sign-_

_-I refuse to sign anything._

“… Did you remember?” Mark asks panicked.

“Is not happening.” Fernando declares, somewhat happily. Mark frowns.

“What?”

“Was my idea, no? Do not want to anymore. Am calling it off.” Fernando smiles softly, holding Mark’s face in his hands.

“You remembered asking for a divorce?”

“You were happy to see me first and then I dropped the bombshell and you got shitty…” Fernando cringes, remembering trying to stop himself saying the words in the dream. “Does not matter. Do not want it anymore.”

“That was Belgium.” Mark explains, pulling Fernando to his feet.

“Huh?”

“Just before the Belgium Grand Prix.”

“Ok…” Fernando says as Mark leads him back up the stairs.

“You’re remembering more.”

“Only two things.” Fernando justifies. Mark smiles at him, holding his bedroom door open. Fernando doesn’t think twice before walking in and climbing into Mark’s bed. Mark joins him swiftly.

“You’ll remember soon enough. Everything will come back. I reckon within two weeks you’ll have everything back.” Mark says softly, turning out the light. Fernando curls around his body.

“Will not make a difference…” Fernando sighs gently. Mark runs a hand down his back.

“What do you mean?” Fernando yawns before pulling Mark closer and inhaling the scent on his shirt, feeling safe and loved.

“Still do not want the divorce.”

Mark didn’t answer. He just though sadly that he had about two weeks until Fernando handed over fifty pounds.


	9. Will Be Careful, Mark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diving into your few memories may bring up answers you didn't want to find...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah, it's been a while! I can't even remember the last time I sat down to update this :S
> 
> I've recently been hit with some massive inspiration for this (good and bad) and FINALLY got passed a barrier that has been holding me back for months!  
> So expect (hopefully) frequent updates! : ) 
> 
> Thanks for sticking with this through its silent stage - just as a heads up the chapters will, on average, remain slightly shorter than some I have posted before (about as long as this one). It just makes it easier for me to follow where this is going as I'm writing it. A lot of the chapters will lead directly into each other ^_^
> 
> I hope you enjoy this long awaited update : )
> 
> *14*
> 
> \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Fernando still can’t sleep. He would love to toss and turn all night, sprawling the duvet across the bed as his thoughts wrestle with his mind but he fears his actions would rouse Mark. He sighs deeply, closing his eyes and focusing on the soft sound of Mark breathing. Feeling the gentle rise and fall of Mark chest under his palm. But in the instant he has to open his eyes again, forcing away the tears that well in his eyes. That fucking memory is on playback again and there is nothing Fernando can do to shift it from his subconscious. He hates the fact that his brain decided to remember that memory. Why could it not have been something happier? Why did it have to be something that makes his blood run cold? Why does it have to be without reason?

Fernando is glad that he doesn’t have the full memory of his request to divorce Mark but in some respects remembering half is more annoying than remembering nothing at all. Because now he has more questions that he is way too scared to ask. He doesn’t want to know what pushed him to that decision. His head echoes Mark’s pained voice; the desolation in his words. It breaks Fernando’s heart over and over again. He would have never assumed he could hurt Mark like this but he did. It was him that broke Mark. He is the reason behind Mark’s sadness.

Fernando looks up at Mark’s sleeping face wondering what is allowed of him anymore. Is he allowed to be stealing this precious time with Mark? Is that Ok now? Because it was Fernando asking for the divorce. A divorce Mark clearly doesn’t want. Fernando hates the fact that Mark seems to have accepted their relationship is over now. The breath catches in Fernando’s throat as panic sets into his skin, hooking onto his flesh and refusing to let him up for air. He needs Mark. He needs Mark like he needs air to breath.

He remembers clearly his feelings for the Australian. In 2003, or back in 2003 as he should say (he still can’t believe it’s not a decade ago; he’s still not come to terms with loosing so much time), he remembers wanting to be with Mark, wanting to spend as much time as he could with the Australian. Yes, that _is_ a memory he can recall perfectly. A memory of confused feelings and rushes of heat, of never wanting to leave Mark’s side. It scares him how quickly that has all changed. How, only ten years later, those feelings he didn’t quite understand have already been discovered, explore, exploited and destroyed.

Fernando pulls himself closer to Mark, covering most of the Australian’s body with his own. Mark exhales deeply as he rolls into Fernando’s embrace a little more. His casual arm still wrapped safely around Fernando’s shoulders with his wrist curving around his neck in a dead weight way. Fernando can feel Mark’s protection for him even when he is in the unconscious realms of sleep. It makes Fernando’s heart break even more. How does he deserve Mark’s protection when he hurt him so badly?

Fernando really knows he should get up; leave Mark here and give him what he truly deserves. Mark was right all along. This isn’t fair: Fernando isn’t being fair to him because Fernando is forcing Mark to constantly live in that horrid feeling of hurt. He really doesn’t want to know what he did to want to force himself out of Mark’s life but he knows it involves Lewis. Fernando is certain of that fact.

But he still can’t leave.

He doesn’t understand – definitely doesn’t want to – and his fear of loosing Mark is too much to comprehend. Sleep definitely isn’t happening tonight and with so much pouring round his head he can’t really be blamed. Fernando sits himself up carefully, looking down into Mark’s peaceful face. There has to be a time in the last ten years where he would have easily spent all night just looking at Mark. Tracing the light as it danced across his torso, watched the twitches of his dreams scarper across his face, or just resting his ear above the Australian’s pulsing heart being constantly soothed by the rise and fall of his chest. Fernando has to believe there was a time he wanted to spend all night doing that. Just like he did now.

But it isn’t working. The more Fernando watches Mark the more he starts to really hate himself. Why the fuck would he ever do anything to hurt Mark? And how is it fair of him to steal these precious moments? These precious moments that probably belong to someone else. Hot jealousy spins through Fernando at the idea of that; the idea that Mark could love someone else. But what right does he have to demand Mark continues to love him? Fernando can only think of the worst.

He pushes himself away from Mark, climbing out of the bed and heading out of the room. It takes all of his will power to keep walking down the stairs and not turn around and rush back to Mark’s warm embrace. Already the icy British night is settling into his skin and he feels cold instantly. But he refuses to return to Mark. He’s being unfair and he needs to stop now. Fernando pads barefoot across the kitchen, looking out into the still dark sky that refuses to wake into the morning. His idea of going for a walk to clear his head is instantly banished. Feeling cold enough as it is he believes that a walk would only make matters worse and returning to Mark more tempting.

Fernando settles instead for a cup of tea in the kitchen. It’s a taste he still can’t get used to and it runs over his tongue the wrong way. Fernando can’t say he likes the beverage very much but for some reason his hands reach for it when he opens the cupboard. Sitting on the sofa in the front room Fernando continues to frown. Something else feels like it’s missing. Some other taste that, for some reason, is related to tea. The Spaniard shakes his head. _Just something else I cannot remember…_ Fernando groans in an annoyed manner as the divorce memory resurfaces in his head, reminding him of the other things he doesn’t understand.

More for a way to distract himself, Fernando decides to focus on the things he does know; the memories he can remember. Clutching the tea tightly in both hands he squints his eyes shut. The memory arises easily and Fernando forces himself to remain focused on it…

_Fernando can see him strolling down the paddock, looking completely at ease with his Jaguar race suit tied around his waist. There is a pang, a need, to rush towards him, crack some stupid joke that would make the edges of his eyes crinkle as he told Fernando how pathetic his attempt was. But he is stuck in his own garage, Raquel rabbiting on about something he really doesn’t care about. It’s outstanding to him that he can already feel like a stranger in a relationship that only started a couple of months ago. It’s also incredible to him how he already knows he doesn’t want this relationship any more. But he stands by her side, listening (sort of) to her chatter because Flavio introduced them. Flavio said she would help boost his profile in Spain. Flavio said that was a very good thing._

_And what Flavio says Fernando does._

_His feet shuffle on the ground as Mark strolls passed his garage. He doesn’t want to be here with Raquel he wants to be walking around like Mark; not a care in the world. Fernando has seen Mark walking around with random girls under his arm and that vision has always made Fernando feel strange. Jealous; but Fernando can’t work out if he’s jealous of Mark’s freedom or the girls under his arm._

_Mark knows all about how he doesn’t want to be with Raquel. Mark knows almost everything about Fernando. The only thing Fernando has never told him was why he doesn’t want to be with the Spanish singer anymore and that’s only because he doesn’t think that telling Mark he thinks he loves him would do either of them any good. So he just sits, shrugs his shoulders and listens intently to Mark’s latest hypothesis._

_Mark will never get it right; Fernando is sure of it._

_But Mark also understands that what Flavio says goes, so he also understands that Fernando is stuck with Raquel until further notice. It’s odd sharing Flavio as a manager sometimes, but it also brought the pair closer. They both bitch and joke to each other about Flavio’s quirks; they have an empathy for each other. Mark understands Fernando explicitly and sometimes it’s bamboozling to the Spaniard that Mark hasn’t worked out exactly why Fernando wants to be around him so much._

_“Surely you could just leave her? Ask him to find some other Spanish celebrity. Or better yet, use your talents on the track to boost your profile.” Mark had said once. Fernando had tried to remain quiet but Mark kept pestering him until he cracked. “Wait… You’ve got someone else in mind.” Mark smirked cheekily. Fernando had blushed a brilliant red as Mark began to unearth the secret he thought was untraceable. “Come on, tell me who.”_

_That had been a week ago and Fernando was still yet to give Mark an answer._

_“Fernando? Are you even listening to me?” Raquel giggles, forcing Fernando to tear his eyes from Mark. Fernando shook his head slightly, trying to clear his thoughts._

_“Sorry… Am just a little anxious with the rain.” Fernando half lies. Raquel sends a weary look up at the rain clattering outside on the track. “Is technical in the dry. Gets a little harder in the wet.”_

_“You need to concentrate more?” Raquel asks softly. Fernando fights the urge to roll his eyes. How can she be dating a Formula One driver and not know anything about Formula One? She’s never seemed interested in his sport. Fernando wonders most of the time what she is gaining out of this relationship._

_“Yes.”_

_“Do you want me to leave you in peace for a bit?” She smiles. Fernando sighs and gives her a small nod. “Alright – I’ll be in your cool down room. Have a good race, beautiful.” She beams before setting a soft kiss on his lips. He waits for her to disappear before rushing out the front of the garage in pursuit of Mark. Fernando is just happy that, for once, Mark is alone. He picks up a light jog falling into step beside Mark a few yards from the Jaguar garages. Mark smiles round at him, pulling his headphones off the top of his head and Fernando picks that exact moment to slip on a wet patch of the pit lane._

_“Woah, careful mate.” Mark beams, catching Fernando’s arm and setting him back on his feet. Fernando almost can’t bring himself to take his steadying hand off Mark’s shoulder. He blushes brightly._

_“Yes, thank you.” He mutters._

_“So, Brazil in the wet.” Mark comments, looking up at the sky. “You ready?”_

_“To beat you? Always.” Fernando smirks. Mark just nods at him, looking amused._

_“Good luck with that.”_

_“Have already done this twice.” Fernando points out. Mark folds his arms, giving a nonchalant shrug._

_“There are plenty more races left, buddy.”_

_“Is Ok, Mark, you are not in the better car.” Fernando smirks. Mark openly rolls his eyes._

_“One day I will be.”_

_“Maybe.” Fernando beams. Checking the surrounding garages, Mark catches Fernando’s elbow, pulling him away from prying ears. Fernando frowns but when Mark stops him the look he gets is serious._

_“Look, just… Be careful today, Fernando.” Mark mutters quietly._

_“Am always careful.” Fernando teases. Mark gave him a sombre look._

_“I’m serious.” Mark says. Fernando drops his smile._

_“Of course, Mark. Will be careful.”_

_“It’s fucking wet out there… I don’t…” Fernando waits for the end of Mark’s sentence but it never comes._

_“Will be careful, Mark.” Fernando promises. Mark nods, a small sense of relief fluttering onto his face. “And you be careful too.” Mark doesn’t verbally answer. He just gives a nod. And then his hand is suddenly cupping Fernando’s cheek. So softly and delicately Fernando’s world begins to spin. He can’t look anywhere but Mark’s eyes, Mark’s brilliant hazel eyes. And he can feel himself melting into them, feel his breathing falling out of it’s regulated pattern. Mark’s thumb strokes across his cheek._

_And then it’s gone._

_“I’ll see you after.” Mark mutters, sending Fernando back a wave as he disappears into his own garage. Fernando remains where he is, too shocked to move. So much so he barely registers Flavio approaching him._

_“See you after…” Fernando says to himself, Mark having long left him. A hand grabs his elbow and begins towing him down the paddock._

_“We obviously need to talk. Will do so after the race.” Flavio mutters calmly but sternly in his ear. Fernando swallows dryly. “Go out and get us that podium. Be careful of the rain.” Just as usual, Fernando nods at Flavio’s simple and calm orders for the race, trying desperately not to think about the talk that will most probably revolve around Mark after the chequered flag…_

Fernando doesn’t know if that memory is the clearest because it still feels like it only happened last week to him, but he does understand that feeling. Definitely now. And to think Mark and he squandered it away in just ten years… No, Fernando had squandered it away. It is clear Mark is very much still in their relationship.

He holds onto the wisps of that memory like a lifeline. That’s what he remembers. He just remembers loving and needing Mark’s presence. He wonders, vaguely, if that’s how they ended up together. Maybe Mark finally did guess right or maybe Fernando just swallowed his pride and told him. It’s a nice memory – much nicer than the memory that haunts his sleep at the moment.

The two points just don’t coincide to Fernando. One moment they’re happy and the next they apparently can’t stand each other? No, Fernando doesn’t believe that. He must have done something to really hurt Mark. Hurt Mark but left him still caring; still loving. Maybe Fernando just stopped caring. Maybe that’s how he became so obnoxious that he could just walk over Mark like a doormat. Something still isn’t sitting right in Fernando’s head and it’s driving him mad. He doesn’t even dare consider asking Mark to help explain this all to him. He doesn’t want to see Mark’s pain. Apparently just being here a week was enough to push him back to whatever dark place Fernando had created for him.

Lewis is out of the question. There is no way Fernando is going to call the Brit mainly on the principle he doesn’t feel like he knows him. But also he is too scared about what he may find out. Something tells Fernando that Lewis wouldn’t hold back on giving any information. From his experience with Lewis barging into Mark’s hotel room in Brazil that fact is one Fernando is fairly confident of. And he doesn’t want Lewis slurring Mark. Fernando refuses to accept it. Lewis doesn’t know what he’s talking about when it comes to Mark.

Fernando doesn’t really know whom else he can turn to about this. All the time the horrid thoughts of what he might find are lurking in the back of his head. That also makes him resolute as to not dig further into the memory. What he doesn’t know can’t hurt him. But he feels like he’s read the end of a book with no context on how he got there. He knows, deep down, that he has to find out what happened. He has to find out what he did that made him want a divorce. Mainly because then he can rectify this. He can sort thing with Mark and things can go back to the way that they were. He thinks of Andrea and Stefano, but even though they are people he has supposedly know for four years he doesn’t feel like he knows them enough to ask about this stuff. Nor does he really want everyone to know he’s still clueless about how he got from April 6th 2003 to December 1st 2013\. Maybe they don’t even know. The articles he had found earlier that evening hadn’t been able to give him reasons…

That strange taste is back in his mouth. He tries drinking more tea but it doesn’t help. He’s definitely missing something. He looks down into the mug of sandy-coloured liquid. Maybe he made it wrong…

Shaking the almost irrelevant thought from his head, Fernando moves back into the kitchen, discarding the half drunk cup of tea on the side and heading back through to Mark’s study. Someone must know. Someone other than the two of them must know why they suddenly wanted a divorce. Why _he_ suddenly wanted a divorce. Settling back on Mark’s chair he powers up the laptop settling on searching for himself on Google. Somewhere someone must have an idea. It is apparently big Formula One news. He can’t believe Mark and he are good enough to keep it a secret.

Returning to the search engine he had used earlier that night he pushes his name into the keyboard and hits enter, watching as webpage after webpage presents itself to him. He heads straight for Wikipedia but has no luck. The only reference being a short sentence in his ‘Personal Life’ section that states when Mark and he got together, married and separated; ending with the morbid _the couple are currently undergoing divorce proceedings._ The only positive thing that comes out of Wikipedia is that his relationship with Raquel only lasted a year. How they’d carried on for that long Fernando would never understand.

Though, he probably could if he could remember that period of his life.

His searching is cut short by three sharp thwacks on the front door. Fernando frowns at the door before consulting the clock on Mark’s laptop: _3:06am._ More confusion filters through the Spaniard as the knocks are repeated. Who the hell would be calling here at three in the morning? Immediately he regrets considering it. It could be anyone. It could be someone he doesn’t recognise or it could be someone he does. Someone he should remember but doesn’t. Fernando shakes his head. Maybe someone always knocks at three in the morning on the first of every month. _That sounds plausible, right?_ Fernando scoffed at himself. No, that did not sound plausible.

“Mark?” The voice is muffled by the distance and the door. Fernando shrinks closer into his chair as he recognises a British accent. _Well, of course, we are in England…_ Fernando tries logically, but he’s already panicking. His thoughts fly to Lewis, the way the Brit tried to force him away from Mark in Brazil. Mark was asleep. He would be powerless to an assault right now. _Maybe that is why Lewis has come now, knows it will be easy…_ Fernando shakes his head rapidly. He refuses to go with Lewis. He wants to stay here with Mark.

“Mark! Open this door!”

“He might be asleep…” A softer voice follows the first. _Lewis has brought someone with him?_ Fernando’s eyes are blown wide at the idea. He might have a chance against just the one of them but two? He wants Mark but the only way to get there would be to pass the front door; which meant showing himself to the knockers.

“MARK!”

“Calm down, I’m calling him.”

“MARK. GET. YOUR. ARSE. DOWN. HERE. NOW. AND. OPEN. THIS. DOOR!” The first speaker – or yeller – hits the door in time with his words. Fernando is frozen to the spot.

“Mark?” Fernando tries softly, as if calling for the Australian might help. Of course he is met with silence. Fernando looks up at the ceiling with a pleading expression.

“I WILL KICK THIS DOOR IN!”

“Don’t be a fucking idiot… Answer machine. I told you he’d be asleep.”

“I don’t give a fuck, I need to talk to him now.”

“You need to calm down.”

“Mark?” Fernando tries again, slightly louder.

“Fernando?” Fernando’s head snaps to the direction of the door as the second speaker calls for him. That was definitely not his intention.

“Fernando? Fernando, let us in!” The first speaker snarls. Fernando decides to remain silent. Then they won’t know he is here.

“Fernando, please?” The second speaker calls softly. Fernando cranes his head around the doorframe to see the two faces pressed up against the glass trying to look inside. “He’s in the study.” As soon as it is confirm Fernando shoots back inside, chastening himself for being curious.

“Fernando, mate, come and let us in.” The first speaker exhales angrily.

“Why?” Fernando mutters, surprised if the people behind the door heard him. They did.

“I need to talk to Mark.”

“About?”

“Just let us in, Fernando, yeah?” The second speaker says. Fernando bits his lip.

“I-”

“-Fernando, what the fuck are you doing down here?” Mark’s tired voice drifts down the stairs. Fernando dashes from the study, almost knocking Mark to the floor as he buries himself in the Australian’s embrace. Mark’s frown doesn’t last long.

“Open this door!” The first speaker demands. Mark takes Fernando’s hand as the Spaniard slips behind him, turning the lock on the door and allowing the two people waiting outside in. “We need to talk.” Jenson spits, his face blushed red from the cold. Before anyone else can speak Jenson yanks Mark away from Fernando, slamming the door of the study behind them. Nico sends Fernando a soft smile, beckoning him into the kitchen.

“Tea?” Nico asks sweetly. Fernando blinks at him before nodding and following the German through the doorway.

Tea sounds perfect right now.


	10. Never Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The best-laid schemes of mice and men often go awry…

Fernando leans against the work surface with his hands gripping tightly to the edge. He knows Nico is busying himself with the kettle but Fernando feels uneasy about something; he can’t look away from the kitchen door. There is a massive urge in his to storm into Mark’s study and demand to be included in their discussion but he stands still, just frowning. Unknown to the distracted Fernando Nico sends him a sorrow-filled look as he sets two mugs down in front of the boiling kettle. He knows what it feels like to not even trust your partner alone in a room with someone else and he reads the feeling off Fernando’s face like he’s looking in a mirror.

“So… That was a pretty big shunt.” Nico says, trying to break the odd ice that has formed between Fernando and him. Fernando slowly turns his head so he’s frowning at Nico. “In the, errh, race…” The German mutters, turning back to the kettle. Fernando just blinks at Nico, causing the other man to feel increasingly uncomfortable.

“Yes… Big shunt…” Fernando agrees. He watches as Nico’s hands find two tea bags, dropping them into the mugs and seek out the sugar and milk. Under Fernando’s intense gaze Nico feels an odd pressure settle over him.

“Are you Ok?” Nico asks softly, putting the milk down without pouring any out. Fernando flits his eyes from Nico’s hands to his eyes. There is no way he wants Nico to know he’s still clueless about everything. He doesn’t want people to know he still feels totally out of control with his life. So Fernando tries to relax, lets his eyes fall back onto the kitchen door.

“Am fine.” He nods. Nico raises an eyebrow at him.

“It’s Ok. They’re just talking.” Nico tries soothingly as he places a mug in Fernando’s hands. Fernando looks down at the warm liquid. It’s the same colour as the one he made himself earlier. It smells the same… Something still isn’t right. There is a burn in the back of his throat, a buzzing in his head, that until now he hadn’t noticed. But now he knows it’s there it’s driving him mad. He takes a small sip of the tea Nico placed in his hands. Exactly the same, though this one is a little more milky. But it doesn’t seize the burning. If anything it makes it burn deeper. “Shall we?” Nico asks. Fernando averts his frown back to his German counter part but is hit with the draft flittering through the now open door. Nico wants to go outside? Fernando is feeling so confused his head hurts. And this new burning sensation isn’t helping matters. With a small non-committal shrug, Fernando grabs Mark’s jacket off the back of one of the chairs, slipping it on and following Nico out into the cold night.

The moon scoffs at them as they settle on the concrete steps leading down to the grass mass below them, slipping behind the clouds in accusation that they shouldn’t be seen. Fernando sighs as the icy wind swoops around his body and the first shiver of cold attacks his muscles. The next sip of tea sets his body alight with warmth and he relaxes back against the closed door. This is nice… Refreshing. As long as he doesn’t let himself think about-

“Jenson said that Mark told him you lost your memory.” Nico says calmly, looking out down the vast span of the garden. Fernando rolls his head so he’s looking at the German. “Did you? Or is that some more bullshit he made up to tell Lewis?”

“Did… A little…” Fernando mutters back, feeling an odd twist of agreement and annoyance at Nico’s accusations of Mark. Nico takes a small sip from his tea.

“And now?”

“Everything is fine now.” Fernando lies. Nico sends him a dubious side-glance.

“Then why are you still here?” Maybe it is an obvious question to be asking. Maybe 2013 Fernando would have bounced on Mark as soon as he had everything back. But Fernando can’t do that. He’s so confused and he needs Mark to help him understand. Nico reads the pain clearly in his eyes. His expression changes to one that lets Fernando know Nico thinks he’s making a grave mistake. “Fernando, we’ve talked about this.” Nico sighs. Fernando sends him a frown. They had? “Don’t… Don’t go back there.” Fernando doesn’t get it. Go back where? His head fights with his heart and he doesn’t know what to follow; what is speaking the truth. He wants to stay with Mark, right? So why does that suddenly sound like a terrible idea?

“Am not going back anywhere.” Fernando states, slightly harshly, turning away from Nico. Nico’s hand falls onto his shoulder.

“Fernando, don’t, Ok? It hurts… You know it hurts.” Fernando simply doesn’t understand. He wants Mark here to explain what is going on. He doesn’t want to believe Nico but a massive part of him already does.

“Whatever.” Fernando spits, his voice coming out so harsh because he is so confused. The hand on his shoulder pulls him round.

“No, Fernando. You were the smart one. You were the strong one who could walk away. Don’t go back… Don’t be me…” Maybe, to someone else, Nico’s words made sense. But Fernando can’t get his head around it. What does Nico mean, don’t be like him? What does that even mean? What is it even in reference to? Fernando can’t focus. Falling back against the door he downs a mouthful of the tepid drink in his hands, trying somehow to sooth the burn in his throat. It doesn’t work. Fernando lets out a small huff of frustration. “Don’t get annoyed at me, you’re the one always telling me to walk away.” Nico huffed back. Fernando shakes his head.

“Not this…” He grits. Nico frowns at him.

“What?” Fernando doesn’t answer; just soothingly runs his hands down his throat. “Oh… Is he really trying this again?” Nico exasperates, taking his hand from Fernando’s shoulder and pushing it into his pocket. Fernando frowns round at him, shocked to have a cigarette held out in his direction. He takes it from Nico’s hand as Nico pushes a second between his lips, lighting it until a small stream of smoke pours from the end. It takes Fernando a moment to work out what’s going on. At the first hint of that scent in the air Fernando can feel himself relaxing, he feels dizzy as the buzzing in his head resides, the burn in his throat relaxes a little. His body works on impulse as Nico hands the lighter over to him; his mirrored actions only stumble when Nico blows a cloud of the intoxicating smoke his way.

“Doing what again?” Fernando asks in a silky voice, his body turning to slush as soon as the smoke is pouring from his lips. He picks up his tea, feeling grateful in the fact he’s found the missing piece of the puzzle. Now everything tastes and feels right.

“Trying to make you quit.” Nico sighs, relaxing back beside Fernando. Fernando just shrugs.

There is silence for a while in which both men continue to smoke, content in the company and the atmosphere. Fernando finds it’s a lot easier to push all those daunting thoughts out of his head when he’s got the stick between his fingers and the smoke clouding his vision. He feels content; the most relaxed he’s been since stepping foot into the hospital.

“So you’re back here now?” Nico asks suddenly, shattering the silence. Fernando just nods. “Have you told Lewis?”

“Have not had a chance.” Fernando returns, taking another drag from his cigarette. Nico frowns at him.

“It’s been a week.” Fernando matches his gaze.

“Have not had a chance.”

“You know he’s going fucking mental, right? He’s claiming Mark’s kidnapped you.”

“Came willingly.” Fernando corrects.

“Yeah, but why?” Fernando doesn’t want to think about the answer. He shrugs, turning away.

“Wanted to.”

“I don’t believe you.” Nico says, sitting forwards. Fernando meets his glare. “You’re separated, Fernando. You’re happy with Lewis. Why the fuck would you come back here and risk ruining what you have?”

“Wanted to…” Fernando’s voice is quieter, weaker, and Nico’s glare just intensifies.

“After what happened?” Nico spits. Fernando doesn’t want to talk about it. He drops his head. “Fernando… This is killing him… You being back here, you’re tearing him apart…” Fernando slams his eyes shut. He doesn’t want to be hurting Mark like this. But the Australian is like an addiction to him, like the cigarettes. He can’t leave Mark but he knows he’s killing him by being here. Nico’s words just confirm his worst fears; he really has done something terrible to Mark.

“Cannot…” Fernando tries, but his confusion and sadness beats him to the punch. Nico’s arm wraps tightly around his shoulder.

“This isn’t fair on him. You have to walk away. You know it’s what’s for the best that’s why you did it in the first place. You have to do this for him. It’s not fair anymore.”

“Do not want to…”

“You’re hurting him. Don’t hurt him anymore than you already have.” Nico sighs, pulling Fernando closer. Fernando shakes his head again, not understanding, not wanting too; just needing Mark’s arms. “Fernando, I envy you for what you’ve done, how you’ve created a better life for yourself. I’m stuck. I’m the one who can’t walk away.”

“Need him…”

“You don’t. You need Lewis. You need to stop hurting him.” Fernando wonders briefly if Nico knows what happened between Mark and him. If Nico knows what Fernando did to hurt the Australian in such a catastrophic way. Because that is something Fernando is certain of now; he did something to Mark. Mark is too protective of him to not care and love him. From what everyone is saying Fernando guesses he’s a cold, unapproachable person. Someone who has obviously dumped Mark for a younger man. He hates how shallow 2013 Fernando is but now he’s got a chance. He’s got a chance to clean the slate. He’s got a chance to banish 2013 Fernando forever and make sure that whatever happened to make Fernando that way never happens again.

\- -

“He’s going mental.” Jenson says with tightly folded arms. Mark is still looking out of the window at Fernando and Nico, sipping on his glass of water. Just like he always does when Nico takes Fernando off for a ‘chat’. It’s more of a ‘look how bad Mark is’ conversation in Mark’s opinion but with Fernando’s memories still gone he’s waiting for the burst of outrage; the reaction expected from 2003 Fernando who could still stand being around him.

“I don’t actually give a fuck, mate.” Mark hisses at Jenson standing behind him. “It’s Fernando’s choice to be here. If he wants to leave I won’t stop him.”

“Yeah right…” Jenson scoffs. Mark turns to glare at him.

“Why the fuck are you here, Jenson?”

“Lewis wants to see him.”

“If Fernando wants to see him then fine.” Mark grits for the third time. Jenson blinks the confusion onto his face, slightly taken aback by what Mark said.

“What?”

“I won’t stop Fernando doing anything. If he wants to see Lewis then fine, if he wants to stay here with me then fine, if he wants to go to Spain then fine. I don’t care. I want what’s best for him.”

“You do remember that that decision no longer lies with you, right.” Jenson snarls venomously. Mark drops his head in frustration.

“Yes, Jense. I fucking know that. But if Fernando wants to be here with me then he stays here with me.” Mark barks.

“You’re divorced, Mark. He’s in love with Lewis.”

“We’re not divorced yet.” Mark clips back. Jenson shakes his head in anger, his hands dropping into fists by his sides.

“Because you won’t sign the God damn papers! Just let him go, Mark. You fucked up, deal with it!”

“He’s here isn’t he!” Mark shoots back.

“Because _you’ve_ brought him here and _you_ won’t let him leave!”

“He can leave if he wants to!”

“Have you even given him his phone yet? Have you even let him call Lewis?”

“He has his phone. I don’t know whether he’s called Lewis or not but, _again,_ that’s his decision, not mine.”

“But you’ve told him enough shit about Lewis for him to want to stay here?”

“I haven’t told him anything! I will if he asks-”

“-Otherwise you’re happy to let him live in this pretend bubble where nothing is actually real and you sweep all of your problems under the carpet?”

“I think it’s best you leave now.” Mark growls, opening the study door. Jenson folds his arms again.

“I’m taking Fernando with me.”

“If he wants to go with you, fine. If not good luck with that.” Mark exhales. Jenson frowns.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know Fernando, mate. So if he doesn’t want to go I’d love to see you make him leave.”

“Why do you think I brought Nico with me?” Jenson gives Mark a dangerous look that settles rocks in his stomach. He remembers Nico and Fernando’s little chats too well. How Fernando wouldn’t talk to him or acknowledge him for hours after the German had left. How Fernando would normally disappear somewhere on the phone (on the phone to whom Mark now knew was Lewis).

“You won’t change his mind; he’s confused.” Mark states, his voice breaking a little. Jenson smirks in a disbelieving way.

“Sure.”

“You can’t force him into anything, Jense! He still thinks it’s 2003!”

“But you just said he knows about the divorce now. He knows he asked for it.”

“Yeah, but he doesn’t know why!” Mark’s panic is clear in his voice. Jenson moves from the room.

“Perhaps it’s time someone told him then…”

\- -

“Enough!” Fernando barks, getting to his feet. He’s had enough of this onslaught on Mark. He doesn’t even know what Nico is trying to achieve. His head is pounding and, having just finished his third cigarette, the calming effect it first had on him is long gone. His head hurts and he is so confused. He just wants someone to sit down and explain this to him. He doesn’t need Nico banging on about how he owes it to Lewis to return to the Brit. Fernando is craving Mark’s hold even more than before and he just wants to sleep.

“Fernando-”

“-Do not know what you are trying to do but stop it! Love Mark, Ok? Am not leaving him for some complete stranger!” Fernando spits, turning on his heels and storming back into the house. He tries to forget all the things Nico said. There was no substance to them, no evidence. Nico was talking to him like he expected Fernando to feel the same. Well, he is wrong. Fernando doesn’t feel the same. Right now he just needs Mark to hold him and tell him everything is Ok. Tell him that Nico was wrong and they are both still in love. Maybe they hit a rocky patch and that’s why Fernando thought he wanted this divorce. Not anymore.

“Fernando, where’s-?” Jenson’s question stops as Fernando buries himself in Mark’s embrace, clutching tightly to the Australian’s back. Mark glares at Jenson over Fernando’s shoulder.

“Really, fucking well done.” Mark snarls, pulling Fernando closer. Jenson opens his mouth to object.

“Fernando, you’re not-”

“-Get the fuck out.” Mark glares as Nico comes through the kitchen after having placed the mugs on the side.

“Mark, you don’t-” Nico tries, but Mark is having none of it.

“-No, Nico, _you_ don’t understand. You can’t just bombard him with information. _He_ doesn’t understand!”

“He told me he was fine!” Nico counters. Mark looks down at Fernando for confirmation but Fernando buries himself deeper in Mark’s chest.

“None of this matters.” Jenson snaps. “Come on, Fernando.” Jenson’s finger graze Fernando’s shoulder before he cowers behind Mark like a three year old.

“Make them leave.” Fernando whispers to Mark, still gripping tightly into the back of the Australian’s shirt, wanting the ambush to end.

“I think it would be very clever if you left now.” Mark grits. Jenson throws an arm in Fernando’s direction, seething at Nico.

“How the fuck could you think he was Ok?”

“He told me he was! I tend to believe what people tell me!” Nico bit back. Jenson exasperates.

“Well you can tell Lewis how you fucked up!”

“Of course, this is all _my_ fault, isn’t it!” Nico screams before stomping out of the house.

“This isn’t over, Mark.” Jenson points at the Australian. “Someone has to tell him at some point and he will leave so fast when someone tells him y-”

“-GET OUT!” Mark hollers, shoving Jenson out of the house. Fernando slides down the wall as the door slams shut, wrapping his arms around his knees and loosing his head in his arms. Mark’s warm strong arms are around him in an instant, his soft lips placing gentle kisses on his temple. “It’s Ok, Fer.”

“Do not leave me…” Fernando breathes, clinging tightly to Mark’s arm.

“I’m not going anywhere, Fernando. The choice has always been yours to leave.” Mark iterates calmly. Fernando just shakes his head, shuffling closer to Mark.

“Do not _ever_ leave me…” He refines. Mark swallows harshly.

“Never.” He promises.

_Never again…_


	11. So You Believe Him Over Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes it's best not to know; sometimes it's best to just go with the flow...

“Mark?”

“Yes, Fernando?”

“… Never mind.”

“No, what is it?”

“Does not matter.”

“Mate, if you’ve got questions ask them. I can help. I can-”

“-Cannot, but thank you anyway.”

A silence settles in the darkness. Mark is lying on his side, frowning at the silhouette of Fernando but Fernando is taking no notice of him, looking directly up at the swirls of paint on the ceiling.

“Mark?”

“Fernando.”

“When do I start smoking?” The question catches Mark out a little and he’s momentarily stumbling in his dark surroundings.

“Not long ago… I was hoping you would stop.”

_“Is he really trying this again?”_

“Nico says this.”

“Says what?”

“That you would like me to stop.”

“What else did Nico say to you?” Mark asks. Fernando looks across the room at him. No, no he’s not repeating that.

“Nothing much…”

“You know I know when you’re lying, right, Fer?” Mark sighs from his made-up sofa bed. Fernando still doesn’t understand why Mark won’t just share the bed with him. He blames Jenson.

“Right…” Fernando mutters dejectedly. Sudden light spills into the room making Fernando wince and groan as the brightness contracts his pupils.

“So how about you tell me? Because it’s obviously bothering you.” Mark says, sitting up. Fernando rolls onto his side.

“Is Ok….” Fernando breathes. He flinches when he suddenly feels Mark’s hand on his shoulder.

“Hey… You can talk to me.” Mark smiles softly. Fernando continues to hold his back to the Australian. Can he? Can he really talk to Mark anymore? Can he talk to Mark when he knows every second they share a room he is slowly draining Mark of what optimism he has left? After hearing enough of what Nico said to him… Fernando knows he has messed up. It doesn’t feel fair to be taking liberties with Mark anymore. That’s why he isn’t pushing to share the bed. “Fernando?”

“Am fine, Mark.” Fernando snaps, shrugging Mark’s hold off him. When the other side of the bed shifts Fernando knows Mark has gone. It is for the best. Fernando understands that. He can’t keep avidly reminding Mark of how badly he has been hurt. Even if Fernando can’t remember what he did. The room is plunged into darkness and Fernando feels that cold crawling over his skin again. _Another night with no sleep…_

The things Nico said to him still litter in his head. How is he supposed to feel comfortable even sharing a house with Mark when he knows how much this is killing the Australian? Maybe that’s why he wanted the divorce. Maybe he felt bad for Mark and decided it was the kindest way to get them both out of this mess. Something doesn’t feel right about that thought and Fernando knows he’s smart to fear that he did this for worse reasons. He’s petrified that he’s left Mark for Lewis. He doesn’t want to think. How could he cheat on Mark and then just waltz off with the very same guy he broke his heart with? How could he ever even consider hurting Mark in such a way? There has to be something else behind this, but Fernando is convinced that this divorce is his fault.

He wanted the divorce and he is the one with the new partner.

“You fucking stink, mate.” Mark complains as his warm hands wrap around Fernando’s torso. Fernando can’t help but fall back into his hold, stealing the precious moment that could be snatched away at any time.

“Sorry…” Fernando whispers, his eyes closed in submission to the feeling. Mark kisses gently at the back of his neck.

“You use to socially smoke with Nico. I don’t really know how you got into it but one day you came home smelling like this… I didn’t like it.” Fernando takes Mark’s words like a lifeline; trying to fit them to some sort of memory so things start to make sense. But he has no luck. He sighs dejectedly.

“Why do I not stop?” Fernando asks. He knows how bad it is for him, especially with his profession. That doesn’t stop his fingers itching for another one. Now he knows what his body is after he wants to satisfy the need.

“Because Lewis smokes too.” Mark’s almost bold statement knocks the wind out of Fernando. Who the fuck is this Lewis guy? Fernando needs to know and refuses to know at the same time.

“And so I do everything he does?” Fernando frowns, feeling annoyed and confused by his actions. Mark rolls him onto his back.

“No, well, not as far as I know. He’s just never encouraged you to stop.”

“How long has this been happening?”

“I don’t know for certain because you kept it hidden from me at first but I guess I found out during pre-season testing this year, so, what’s that… end of February?”

“February?” Fernando scoffs in a disbelieving tone. That’s ten months! Ten months he has been pouring toxic into his body? Why? What on earth made him want to do that? “Why?”

“You never really said.” Mark shrugs. Fernando watches him for a moment, the way Mark’s eyes drop from his and look down at his hands… Is Mark lying to him? “I remember coming home once and the three of you were smoking in the kitchen…”

“Three of us?”

“Nico, you and… Lewis.” Mark forces the last name slightly but that completely makes sense to Fernando; he left Mark for Lewis, of course Mark won’t like him.

“Which is why Nico takes me to the garden?”

“Yeah…” Mark studies Fernando’s face for a moment, waiting for the question that is so obviously sitting on the edge of his tongue to be aired. “Fernando, just ask me. I know you have questions: I just want to help.”

“What does Jenson want with you?” Fernando’s voice comes out in a snarl much to his own shock. Though Mark’s reaction shows he was expecting it.

“That’s not the question you want to ask.” Mark tries softly.

“But is the question am asking.”

“What did Nico want?”

“How is this answering my question?”

“I can’t answer that without telling you something else.” Mark explains. It just confuses Fernando further.

“What?”

“You have to ask me something else first. And I know you want to ask me.” Fernando panics. He’s scared of the answer to that question. He really doesn’t want to ask it in fear of what he might find. The 2013 version of himself is petrifying and he definitely doesn’t want to know who Lewis is.

Or he does but he’s too scared to ask.

“Night, Mark.” Fernando yawns, curling into the Australian’s hold. At least, trying to. Mark grabs his shoulders.

“Fernando, ask me.”

“Am tired, Mark.”

“Ask me who he is.”

“Am going to sleep now.” Fernando grits, forcing the stream of questions and fragments of memories related to Lewis from his head.

“Why won’t you ask?” Mark frowns. He knew this conversation would come up at some point. He just never thought he would be pushing for it.

“Am tired…” Fernando yawns for effect. Mark sighs, lying down and allowing Fernando to mould to his body.

“I think it’s time I explained…” Mark muses to the ceiling. Fernando frowns. “Who Lewis is, how we got to where we are.” Mark replies heavily. Fernando grips to him tighter.

“Thought you say I will remember this.”

“Fernando, it’s taken a week for you to remember wanting a divorce. God knows how long it could take you to remember the full ten years. I can’t sit on the side and watch you ruin your life.”

“Am not. Am with you.”

“But you’re not with me…” Mark sighs, running a hand over his face.

“Want to sleep now.” Fernando states, not wanting Mark to start explaining things to him. He doesn’t want to see Mark hurt. He doesn’t want to hear about what happened between them, what Fernando believes is his fault.

“Then in the morning. I need to tell you, Fer. This isn’t fair to Lewis.”

“Cannot remember Lewis.” Fernando mutters darkly. Mark looks down at him.

“You need to.”

“Remember you…” Fernando slides his hand onto Mark’s torso, slipping under the soft cotton of his shirt.

“Fernando, no.”

“Just… Am happy with you. Why does the last ten years matter?”

“See, when you say fucking stupid things like that, mate, you really worry me.” Mark sighs as his eyes slid closed, succumbing to the warmth of Fernando’s hand he knows he’s soon to loose.

“Love you, Mark.” Fernando whispers to the darkness, feeling too far away from the Australian. Mark’s hands find his hair.

“I’ll explain in the morning, Fernando. I’ll explain what you can’t remember and then we’ll work from there.” Mark nods. And as he drifts off to sleep he doesn’t feel the tension in Fernando’s muscles. The way the Spaniard’s fingers are digging into his skin as if someone is trying to tear them apart. Fernando’s eyes are open wide and he knows, even though he’s has Mark’s protective arms around him, he will not find sleep tonight.

\- - -

_“So?” Mark spits. Fernando feels hot rage burning through him as he throws the contents of his bag across their hotel room._

_“So what?” Fernando snarls. Mark folds his arms, exasperating angrily._

_“Look, mate, we’ve both had a shit race so why don’t you try and put your fucking mood to the side for a moment-?”_

_“-Both have a shit race?” Fernando scoffs, turning to face Mark. “Am sorry but I think you still end on the podium with points!”_

_“I should have fucking won! If that dickhead hadn’t-”_

_“-Still finished!” Fernando barks, spinning around and spilling Mark’s bag across the bed. Mark gapes angrily at him._

_“I’m sorry, mate, I thought we supported each other! I didn’t realise this had become a contest!”_

_“Am not the one who disappears after the race for seven hours!” Fernando hisses. Mark swallows uncomfortably._

_“I didn’t want to take out my shitty mood on you!” Mark returns, equally as heated. “Besides, you’ve probably just been bitching with Lewis!”_

_“Have been waiting here for you!” Fernando hollers, throwing Mark’s trainer at him. The shoe bounces off the Australian’s braced arms and clatters to the floor._

_“I don’t know why you’re so pissed, mate-”_

_“Why am I so pissed? I tell you, Mark. First, I retire from the race on the second fucking lap!” Fernando continues to rummage through Mark’s bag as he yells. “Second, I have to watch him win again from the sidelines!” The second trainer bounces in Mark’s direction. “Third, I wait to consolidate the man I love after a shit race and he doesn’t even have the decency to text me and tell me where he is! Have been waiting for-!”_

_“-Seven hours, yeah you already said that, Fernando.” Mark grits. He folds his arms again, waiting for Fernando’s next assault but nothing comes. The frown creeps onto his face as he watches Fernando search fruitlessly through his bag. “What are you doing?”_

_“Where have you hidden them?” Fernando accuses, glaring up at Mark. It takes Mark four seconds for the penny to drop._

_“You’re not having them.” Mark states. Anger flashes in Fernando’s eyes._

_“Cannot control me, Mark! Where are they?”_

_“Not here.”_

_“Liar.” Fernando spits, ripping open Mark’s side drawer. Mark leaps across the bed and the pile of stuff to snatch the box of cigarettes from the drawer before Fernando can get them. “MARK!”_

_“You don’t need these. Get yourself a fucking drink if you need something.”_

_“Give them to me.” Fernando demands, holding out his hand. Mark shakes his head._

_“No.”_

_“Mark!”_

_“Look, just because Lewis smokes them doesn’t mean you have to!” Mark pleads, reiterating an argument they have had too many times._

_“Is my choice. Is my body.”_

_“I’m not going to sit here and watch you kill yourself! I’m your husband! I care about you!”_

_“Funny way of showing it.” Fernando snaps, snatching the box from Mark’s slack grip and rushing out to the balcony. Mark stands shell-shocked for a moment before moving outside after Fernando. The first cloud of smoke catches him out and causes him to cough. Fernando rolls his eyes._

_“What’s that supposed to mean?” Mark glares. Fernando takes another lazy drag from his cigarette._

_“Means you are not good at showing me you care, so why would I think you do.”_

_“You honestly think that, mate?” Mark frowns. Fernando just shrugs._

_“Seem more interested in chasing down Sebastian to give him a piece of your mind than worrying if I am Ok. Do you even ask on the radio if am fine?”_

_“For fuck sake, Fernando.” Mark exasperates. He drops his head forwards but as soon as he has his vision snaps back to Fernando._

_“Lewis asks.” Fernando points out. Mark misses it._

_“How did you know I went to find Seb?”_

_“Christian tells me.” Fernando glares, turning his body to Mark. “After sitting in my cool down room for two hours waiting I think I should go and find out what the hold up is. He tells me you stormed out after Sebastian after your debrief and followed him to the hotel. When I get back here I find Nico waiting outside telling me you have gone to drink with Jenson.” Mark shifts his eyes nervously. “So, where did you go?”_

_“Huh?”_

_“Do not play me fucking stupid, Mark. Which one did you go to?” There is silence for a moment; Fernando patiently waiting for Mark’s answer._

_“Jenson. Jenson caught up with me before I did something stupid.” Mark answers. Fernando watches Mark’s face closely for a moment, reading his eyes his expression, waiting for the sign that he is, again, lying to him. But nothing comes today. Fernando just shrugs, looking back out across the Malaysian evening. “And what about you?”_

_“What about me?”_

_“What time did Lewis leave? What bollocks has he told you tonight?”_

_“Fuck off, Mark, I do not assume such things of your friends.” Fernando snarls, dropping his burnt down cigarette and squashing out the dying ambers with the toe of his shoe. Mark grabs his elbow as he makes his way back inside._

_“You do. You always do.” Mark corrects. Fernando rips from his hold. “Mate, whatever lies Lewis has filled you with nothing is or has even been going on between Jenson and me!” Mark pleads but Fernando just shakes his head, turning away._

_“Is funny how you are always there, making sure he is fine though.” Fernando bites. Mark rolls his eyes. “Thought he has Nico for this but guess am wrong…”_

_“I don’t know what to say that I haven’t before, Fernando.”_

_“Then do not say anything.” Fernando clips._

_“There is nothing going on. Why can’t you trust me?” Mark asks, closing the door out to the balcony. Fernando doesn’t answer. Instead he slides under the cool sheets, wrapping himself up tightly in them and curling onto his side of the bed. “Lewis likes you, mate, of course he’s going to try and split us up.”_

_“Why can you not just trust my friends?”_

_“Why can’t you trust mine?” Mark sends back coolly. Fernando just sighs._

_“Lewis was his teammate last year…”_

_“Lewis likes you, Fernando. He’s got it out for me.”_

_“Knows Jenson…”_

_“So you believe him over me?” Mark asks, sitting up to look down at Fernando. Fernando just lets his eyes roll shut. “Great. Thanks for that.”_

_“Trust him…”_

_“And not me? Good to see where our relationship is, Fernando. You know, if I believed you were possible of it I would say you were sleeping with him. But I would never accuse you of that because I trust you explicitly. I thought I got the same in return but I guess not.” Fernando remains solidly on his side of the bed, the dip in the duvet creating a void between the two of them becoming a common guest in their bed. Mark is still fuming; Fernando can feel the heat radiating off his skin, hear it in the exasperation of air from his lips. Maybe he is being unfair but he knows something is different between Mark and him. He knows it._

_Closing his eyes Fernando hopes to find the end to this shit day. But of course, his accusations of Mark – as usual – haunt his sleep. He knows the best cure is Mark’s warm embrace but that feels like its off limits. And it’s been so long he’s not sure the warmth would do any good._

_\- - -_

Fernando staggers back, grabbing at the tree beside him for support. He wasn’t ready for the sudden memory to pour into his head. He tries to grab onto the end of it, follow it into that locked away place in his head holding the rest of his memories but the door is slammed in his face. He falls backwards anyway, his feet shuffling unresponsively until he is on his arse in a pile of leaves. His head throbs horrifically and he honestly thinks he’s going to throw up. He holds the side of his head as he calms his breathing, closes his eyes and witnesses the memory as if it has just happened to him.

It makes him feel worse.

Fernando had thought that a run would have been good for him. He hasn’t slept at all all night, panic swirling around his head as he desperately tried to place Lewis. He doesn’t want to loose Mark. He refuses to let Mark explain what has happened. He’ll remember when he remembers. So a run had been the idea to get him out of the house and into the fresh air. It had worked at first – the rhythmic pounding of his feet on the tarmac gave him something new to focus on, the inhale exhale of his breath. But it was as he had looped back, heading for the house that the memory spilled out. Hot anger coated his body in sweat and he staggered sideways to the floor.

It’s scary to not understand a moment in his past. It has no relevance. He only knows he was in Malaysia in the memory. Potentially this year? Fernando decides he can find out what Malaysian Grand Prix Mark came second and he retired on the second lap. He can find that out. He doesn’t need to ask Mark.

Because as soon as he asks Mark Mark will tell him who Lewis is, and what happened.

He makes the decision that Mark isn’t going to know he’s remembered more. It feels horrible to decide to lie to Mark but it doesn’t feel like a foreign feeling. That scares him more. But he doesn’t have a choice. He doesn’t want to know who Lewis is. He wants to stay in this bubble where he is happy with Mark. Everyone just seems to be on a mission to pop that…

“Are you alright?” A soft voice calls from his left. Fernando pulls the headphones from his ears as a woman approaches him with a small dog. “Fernando?” The small fluffy thing wags its tail enthusiastically as it climbs on top of Fernando. “Toto! Come away!” The woman directs, pulling on the thin lead. “Sorry, he’s just… Woah, it’s been so long.”

“Uh huh…” Fernando winces as his head throbs painfully again and the trees spin.

“Sweetie, are you OK?” The woman asks, crouching down in front of him. Her hand is on his forehead in an instant. “You’re so pale… And what are you wearing? You must be freezing!”

“Running…” Fernando chokes, dropping his head forwards as the nausea washes over him.

“In this weather?” She scoffs. Fernando frowns at her. She shakes her head. “Sorry… It’s just been so long since I’ve seen you. I thought you’d be with Lewis.”

“Mark is… Helping me.” Fernando tries. The woman frowns at him.

“Helping you? Wait….” The smiles that spread on her face confuses Fernando.

“What?”

“You’re staying with Mark?”

“Yeah…”

“Where is Lewis?”

“Why would I know?” Fernando growls, hating the memories and thoughts and questions that demand his attention at the mention of Lewis’ name.

“Are you sure you’re Ok?” The woman asks, the smile dropping off her face at Fernando’s tone.

“Fine.” He snaps, pushing to his feet. The woman catches him as he staggers forwards.

“Right, you’re coming back to mine. I’ll call Mark and get him to come and get you.”

“Am fine.”

“Fernando, you can’t walk. One of these days you Formula One drivers will understand you’re only human. You’re not invincible!”

“Fine… Do not call Mark…” Fernando grits. A look of realisation splatters over the woman’s face.

“Does he not know you’re here?” She asks, her eyes sparkling a little with tears. Fernando frowns at her.

“What?”

“Do he know you’re here?”

“Yes.” Fernando nods, setting off the way he came.

“Fernando wa-!” Her call is cut short as Fernando crumples to the floor, clutching at the side of his head. She’s by his side in an instant. “That’s enough now.” She says sternly. Fernando blinks at her as the small dog sits comfortably on his chest. “Come back to mine. I’ll call Mark.”

She remembered the times when Fernando would run in the mornings. The cold, ice biting, anyone in their right mind would stay indoors mornings. He was always running away. Running away from something Mark had done or something Mark had said or something that was happening. It wasn’t the first time she had stumbled across Fernando hiding by a tree; it had just been so long. She had thought Fernando had nothing left to run away from.

\- - -

“Fernando, I know you’re scared but hiding isn’t going to help!” Mark hollers, striding through the house. He couldn’t believe it when he woke up alone. He didn’t expect Fernando to make a break for it. But he knows Fernando has to be in the house somewhere; he barely knows the area. Or he did but Mark is sure he can’t remember that anymore. “Not funny anymore, mate!” Mark storms down the stairs, heading back into the kitchen.

The tune of the phone sets Mark’s skin on fire. It has been ringing nonstop. All morning Lewis has been trying to get through. Mark stopped answering on the third try. It is obvious to the Australian that Jenson and Nico told Lewis Fernando is here. Or, at least, was here. So he’s trying a more direct route to catch Fernando’s attention. Mark won’t have it. He’s decided to explain everything to Fernando, isn’t that enough? He refuses to let Lewis tell him what happened because Lewis would give Fernando his “look how bad Mark is you should definitely leave him for me” version. Mark wants Fernando to know the truth.

Finally running out of patience with Fernando and Lewis Mark rips the receiver from the stand, slamming it against his ear.

“Lewis, fuck off. Whatever you want I don’t care...” Mark growls, eyes still darting around the small room looking for his husband… _Ex-husband…? Not yet._

“Mark?”

“Ann?” Mark frowns, his mood instantly evaporating. He doesn’t understand the relevance of the call. His mind starts reeling because she knows. She knows what happened between Fernando and him. Maybe Lewis is calling her too. Or maybe Jenson bombarded her house after they left his last night and she’s going to demand he tell Fernando what he’s forgotten. But Ann doesn’t know Fernando’s forgotten ten years, right? Mark is so confused. “Why… What?”

“I’ve got Fernando here.” She says sweetly, calmly, just like always. Mark has to grab hold of the kitchen side because it feels too much like twelve months ago when everything was normal.

“Fernando…”

“He was running. I found him by a tree.”

“Running…” Mark tries to understand her words but it feels like she speaking Spanish to him.

“Mark, he’s complaining about his head but he doesn’t want me to tell you. Is something going on?”

“His head?” Mark is snapped back to the here and now at the prospect. His panic set into motion. “What did he do?”

“I don’t know, he just-”

“-Did he fall? Hit it? Or is it just hurting?”

“Mark, sweetie, calm do-”

“-Can you put him on the phone please?” Mark snaps. What if Fernando remembered? What if he remembered and everything is about to change; he’s about to return to Lewis.

“No, Mark, I can’t because he doesn’t know I’ve called. He’s in the garden with Toto.”

“Does he… Know you?” Mark asks slowly. There is an expected silence.

“What’s going on?” Ann asks sceptically. Mark runs a hand over his face.

“Nothing, don’t worry. I’ll be over to get him in a second.”

“Mark, you know that’s not how this works.”

“It doesn’t matter, Annie, seriously.”

“You’re screaming at Lewis down the phone and Fernando is here. Tell me. Let me help.”

“It’s a lot to explain…” Mark sighs.

“Just tell me sweetie.”

“Does he not want to come back here?”

“I’m not to sure. He didn’t want me to call you.”

“There is one of two reasons for this.”

“And they are?”

“You won’t understand. Look, Annie, I promise I’ll explain but right now it’s important I get Fernando home.”

“So he is back living with you?” Ann asks hopefully. Mark sighs, letting his shoulders drop.

“I wish.”

\- - -

“Told her not to call you.” Fernando grumbles as Mark and he walk back from Ann’s.

“I was worried, mate.”

“Didn’t want her to call you.” Fernando iterates, squinting his eyes against the low morning sun as it intensifies his headache.

“And why not?” Mark tries in a softer voice. Fernando just hunches his shoulder, blocking Mark off.

“Wanted to run…”

“What did you remember?” Mark asks, reading Fernando like a book. Fernando sends him a sympathetic look before shaking his head, dropping his eyes back to the ground. “Fernando, you have to tell me, I want to help.”

“Do not want your help.” Fernando pushes as Mark extracts his keys from his pocket. Fernando looks at the bunch of keys, holding only keys apart from one key ring with a photograph on it. Fernando can see himself on the image beside Mark on some racetrack, but the keys are moved away too fast for him to be able to tell which one.

“Tell me what you remembered.” Mark says, a little too frantically.

“Nothing…. Does not matter…” Fernando shrugs, moving towards his room. Mark follows him.

“It does, mate. It all matters. I need to know so I can fill you in-”

“-This is the thing: do not want to be filled in.” Fernando sends over his shoulder.

“You’ve got to be told at some point.”

“Will remember.”

“Right, and you’d prefer to be knocked off your feet in pain when you remember rather than just be told?” Mark scoffs. Fernando doesn’t answer. He just moves into his room and grabs that bag he brought back with him from Brazil. Mark panics as he starts to pack. “What are you doing?”

“Want to go to Spain.” Fernando says confidently; the only solid decision his morning run presented to him. Mark nods slowly.

“Ok, well I’ll get my things and then-”

“-No, Mark.” Fernando shakes his head, throwing the bag open and looking up at the Australian. Mark is frozen in fear of Fernando’s next six words unable to understand why Fernando suddenly wants to leave.

“Want to go on my own.”


	12. Can I Come In?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you thought you were seeking normality...

“…On your own?” Mark asks as Fernando continues to pack his bag.

“Yes.” The Spaniard nods, not looking up at the Australian. Mark blinks a few times, trying to work out what’s going on.

“Why?”

“Because I would like to.”

“But why can’t I come with you?”

“Some things would like to do on my own.” Fernando shrugs, folding a jacket. Mark takes the material from his hands.

“What did you remember?”

“Mark, give me my jacket back.”

“What did you remember, Fernando?”

“Want to try and catch a plane soon, Mark, need this.”

“Tell me what you remembered!”

“Nothing!” Fernando exasperates, snatching the material back from Mark and stuffing it in his case. “Just want to go to Spain…”

“ _Why?_ ” Mark presses. Fernando refuses to meet his eye.

“Have not seen my family for a while… Have I?” Fernando risks a look at Mark but he instantly shrinks back into himself.

“You want to see your folks?”

“Yeah…”

“And I can’t come with you because…?”

“Want to go on my own.” Fernando repeats, getting a little annoyed at Mark. “Am not changing my mind.”

“And I’ll be happy to let you go when you give me a good enough reason.” Mark folds his arms. “You saw your parents between races, Fernando. You saw them between America and Brazil. You took Lewis with you.” Mark bites harshly. Fernando tries to ignore the pang of his headache but it ripples loudly in his ears.

“Have not seen Lorena for a while…” Fernando tries, randomly throwing things in his back as he rubs the heel of his hand at his temple. Mark frowns at him.

“No. You haven’t seen Lorena since… April maybe?”

“Right. So I go and see her.” Fernando nods, zipping up his bag. Mark scoffs at him though and it makes Fernando glare up at the Australian.

“You’re going to Lorena’s?”

“And are not allowed to come.” Fernando nips, swinging his bag on his shoulder. Mark folds his arm, standing in the doorway.

“You are going to Spain to go to Lorena’s?” Mark raises an eyebrow.

“Yes.” Fernando nods, still looking at the floor. He really just wants his own bed back in Spain where there are things he understands and people who don’t want to explain everything to him. He wants a break from the confusing. A few weeks of normal. But a visit to Lorena couldn’t hurt. Actually, now he’s thought of it, a visit to Lorena seems like the best thing.

“Does Lorena know?”

“Yes….”

“So if I called her and asked she would be aware you were coming to visit?” Mark tests, picking up the landline phone. Fernando is briefly distracted from Mark’s question, trying to work out why his sister would answer the phone to Mark when she wouldn’t answer to him. “Fernando?”

“Huh?”

“Does Lorena know you’re going to hers?”

“No… Am going to surprise her.” Fernando shrugs. The look on Mark’s face is unsettling.

“You really still can’t remember anything, can you?” Mark says, caught slightly off guard. Fernando frowns at him.

“What?”

“You can’t remember anything still, can you?”

“Remember some things…”

“But barely anything.” Mark shakes his head.

“What happened with Lorena?” Fernando frowns as Mark moves past him.

“If I tell you that I’m going to have to explain everything.” Mark states. Fernando folds his arms.

“Then will ask her when I get to hers.”

“Why do you have to be so fucking stubborn, mate?”

“Why can you not just let this remembering this go? Cannot remember. So it does not matter.”

“You simply don’t get it, Fernando. It can never be as simply as that.”

“Do not see why it cannot.” Fernando spits as Mark goes into his bedside drawer. “Why does the past matter if cannot remember it?”

“So you never want to remember what it felt like to be World Champion? You never want to remember what it felt like to be beaten to the win by a measly three points after you gave it everything you could give? You never want to remember what it felt like to be standing next to me at the alter, exchanging vowels? You don’t want to remember any of that?”

“Want to but cannot!” Fernando snaps, glaring at Mark. “Do you not think I try? Of course I want to remember, Mark! I desperately want to remember what colour tie you were wearing when we got married or how many people where there or even the fucking date but I cannot! Why tell me about things I will not understand?”

“Because it might help you remember!” Mark sends back, equally as heated. “You don’t understand how many people you’re hurting, Fernando. With this fucking around and not remembering anything. You need to try harder or let someone explain!”

“Do not want anything explained to me. Will not help. Will not understand. Will just confuse me more.” Fernando snarls, snatching his passport out of Mark’s hand (the thing he had gone into Fernando’s bedside drawer for).

“Fernando, at least hear me out-”

“-No.” Fernando declares, storming down the stairs. Mark is two steps behind him.

“So how are you going to get to the airport?”

“Drive.” Fernando snakes, opening the front door. Mark slams it shut again.

“Way too dangerous. I refuse to let you go.”

“Tough shit.” Fernando bites, grabbing the car keys from the bowl by the front door.

“Stay here, calm down and talk to me. If you still want to go to Spain in a couple of hours I’ll take you there myself.” Mark tries but it’s to no use. Fernando is already pulling the door out of his hands.

“Goodbye.”

“Fernando, stop it.”

“Need to go, Ok Mark?” Fernando states, opening the back door of the car and throwing his bag inside.

“Why?”

“Just, want a break from the questions…”

“Fernando I can help. I can answer your questions-”

“-Do not want them answered! Why must you always try and help? Sometimes your help only makes things worse!” Fernando rages as more questions try to spill off his tongue. No. He doesn’t want them answered. Not yet anyway.

“Fernando, please-”

“-Am going to Spain. Cannot stop me.” Fernando shoots, climbing into the drivers seat and starting up the car. Mark taps continuously on the window until Fernando rolls it down. “What?”

“Can you just stop and think about this-?”

“-Already have. Now move.”

“Fernando-”

“-Will run you over.” Fernando says, locking eyes with Mark. With a heavy heart the Australian relents, moving out of Fernando’s way so he can pull off the drive. It physically pains Mark to see Fernando go; he was going to set this straight. He was going to do the right thing. But now Fernando is leaving and taking that opportunity away with him. Mark just hopes that nothing happens on Fernando’s trip to Spain that could make the Spaniard resent him again. There is a big fear of that as Mark returns to the house. Especially if Fernando really is going to Spain to visit Lorena.

Mark has two phone calls to make, and he knows exactly what order he’s going to make them in.

\- - -

Sitting on the plane Fernando keeps his sunglasses on, pulling Mark’s hoodie closer to himself in an attempt to remain invisible. The flight isn’t very busy, and with him sitting up in First Class there are quite a few spare seats around. Fernando likes this; it gives him privacy away from prying eyes. Nevertheless he still has himself pressed up against the window, curled into a ball so he is as small as possible.

He doesn’t really know why he’s heading to Spain. He just knows it gets him away from Mark and his explanations. And Fernando understands Spain. He’s lived there most of his life (or, the most he can remember) so hopefully that can only mean good things. He’s so tired of not understanding but he can’t bear to have all that information suddenly thrust upon him. It wouldn’t have been fair but Mark just didn’t seem to understand that.

Fernando is looking forwards to getting away from his problems for a while, and as the plane breaks through the cloud cover he feels himself fall into a gentle sleep…

\- - -

“You really brought casserole?” Mark shakes his head as he lets Ann in.

“He really just upped and left?” Ann asks. Mark gives her a sad nod. “Then yes, I brought casserole.”

“You used to do this for me when he first left.” Mark reminds her as he leads Ann through to the kitchen. Two mugs of tea are already waiting for them.

“What can I say? Old habits die hard.”

“So I can bet its beef?”

“That is your favourite.” Ann says with a small smile. Mark tries to iterate but it barely catches the edge of his lips, let alone his eyes. “Sweetie… Try not to be so sad… I hate seeing you like this…” Ann pulls Mark into a soothing hug. He clings to her tightly.

“I really was going to set this right…” Mark mutters as Ann strokes his hair.

“I’m sure you were, Mark.” She agrees.

“You don’t even know what’s going on…”

“Well, you don’t just randomly call me over for tea, Mark. I’m guessing you need to talk to someone so you’re about to explain.” She presses a gentle kiss to his forehead before letting go of him. Mark dries his eyes as he watches Ann collect two forks from the drawer. He takes one from her with a sad smile as she slides the casserole between them. “So…”

“It all started after Fernando’s crash-”

“-In Brazil?” Ann asks, pulling the lid off the food she had brought round. Mark doesn’t even think twice before scooping up a forkful and pushing the warm food into his mouth, nodding.

“I’m still his husband, right? I’m still allowed to care.”

“Of course.”

“Well, basically… Now, you’re going to find this hard to believe, I did when the doctors first told me-”

“-Just tell me Mark. I’m here to listen, not tell you you’re wrong.” Mark chews slowly on his mouthful, watching for the break in face he’s seen too often from his colleagues lately. But it never comes. Of course it never comes from Ann. Mark sighs deeply.

“He’s forgotten the last ten years of his life.” Ann’s fork clatters to the work surface as she drops it in shock.

“He’s… What?”

“He can’t remember anything from the past ten years, Annie. When I first saw him he thought it was two thousand and three. He was asking for Flavio-”

“-My God…” Ann says, still in shock. Mark watches her closely. Suddenly a sadness crashes over her face. “Oh, Mark, does that mean he can’t even remember your wedding?”

“He can’t remember anything, Annie.” Mark presses. “So that means he can’t remember what I did. He doesn’t know why we’re getting a divorce.”

“Oh…”

“I was going to tell him today but he’s fucked off to Spain.” Mark says, pushing his fork aggressively into the casserole.

“Doesn’t he want to know…? Wait, does he know you’re getting a divorce? Honey… Does he even know about Lewis?”

“He knows some stuff but he refuses to let me explain. That’s why he’s gone.”

“Well that’s alright I guess… How much trouble can he get himself into going to Spain?”

“…He’s heading for Lorena’s I think…” Mark admits, dropping his head. Ann’s arms come round him on the instant.

“Oh, Mark…” This is a complete mess.

\- - -

_Fernando walks down the corridor slowly, considering what it is he is about to do. His head is telling him this is stupid but Mark retired today and he himself had a shit race. It is only natural he wants to find him, right? He just wants to make sure he’s Ok, yeah? That’s fine. At the end of the day, they are still married. Even if that’s only because Mark refuses to sign the papers. Though maybe Mark was right, maybe the divorce is more Lewis’ idea… Fernando shakes the thoughts from his head before they can get comfortable. Now is really not the time to be thinking about it. He knocks three times on the door, unsurprised when it opens._

_Though Mark obviously isn’t expecting him._

_“Hi…” Fernando tries softly with a small wave. Mark continues to frown at him._

_“Are you real?” Mark asks. Fernando can’t help but let out a small laugh._

_“Yes.”_

_“Ok, good. I haven’t drunk too much of this then.” Mark lifts a beer can to his lips, taking a long drag from it. Fernando waits awkwardly, standing in the corridor._

_“Errh,” Fernando breaks the silence, scratching the back of his neck. “Can I come in?”_

_“Be my guest.” Mark shrugs, stepping to the side._

_“Am surprised you are not celebrating…” Fernando comments lightly, eyeing the beer cans littering Mark’s floor._

_“Not really in the mood, mate.” Mark says, still standing by the door, holding it open as if he expects Fernando to walk out._

_“You help them win Constructors.” Fernando points out._

_“Yeah, stopping my car every other race…”_

_“Is not your fault.”_

_“Whatever…” Mark shrugs, drinking more beer. Fernando seats himself on the end of Mark’s bed._

_“Is nice to find you alone-”_

_“-Are you staying or should I leave this open?” Mark bites, glaring at Fernando. Fernando subconsciously folds his arms._

_“Am here for you.”_

_“Well then, how can I help you?”_

_“…Is he too busy tonight to be here?”_

_“Look, mate, if you’ve come to have a pop just fucking go. I’m not in the mood.” Fernando drops his arms. No, he doesn’t want to have a go at Mark. He wants to be supportive of Mark. Without saying a word Fernando gets up and grabs a beer, clicking off the top and taking a few mouthfuls. The sour taste rests heavily on his tongue but he forces himself passed it. “Help yourself then.” Mark bites, slamming the door. Fernando places the beer down._

_“Look, Mark, am not here to fight-”_

_“-You’ve not made that very clear.” Mark glares. “Surprised you haven’t got the fucking things on you.”_

_“No… We both have a shit race-”_

_“-I retired. At least you finished-”_

_“-Out of the points.” Fernando reminds. Mark scoffs at him. “But is not a competition.”_

_“It definitely doesn’t sound like one.” Mark sneers sarcastically._

_“Want to support you-”_

_“-That’s what married couples do.” Mark bites._

_“And so we are not married?”_

_“Not when one of us is pushing for a divorce, no, Fernando, we’re not.”_

_“Do not want to talk about this now. Do not want to fight.”_

_“Then what is it you want, Your Highness?” Fernando shakes his head as Mark gives him an extravagant bow._

_“Are drunk.”_

_“No shit.”_

_“Do not want to fight with you, Mark.”_

_“Is Lewis worried about where his precious ‘Ferri’ has gone?”_

_“Do not call me that.”_

_“Why not? He does.”_

_“Mark, stop this! Can we not just… Be friends?”_

_“No, Fernando. You torched that bridge when you slept with him.”_

_“Rich coming from you…”_

_“Alright, get the fuck out.”_

_“No. Stop fighting me.”_

_“Fernando, we can’t exchange two sentences without it being a fight. He’s fucked up your head! You can’t even hear me!”_

_“Can, Mark. Am listening now. Please… Just…”_

_“Just what? Pretend none of this is happening? Pretend you’re not trying to shove a divorce down my throat?”_

_“For once can we just be us again?” Fernando pleads. Mark frowns at him._

_“Have you been drinking?”_

_“No…” Fernando laughs, moving closer to the Australian. He takes the beer from Mark’s hand, setting it down._

_“Does Lewis know you’re here?”_

_“No…” Fernando shakes his head a little more seriously. Mark just frowns at him as the Spaniard unbuttons his shirt._

_“What are you doing?”_

_“Know how you like to be comfortable…” Fernando shrugs, pulling the shirt over Mark’s head. “Relax?” He smiles, lying Mark down on the bed. Mark frowns at him as Fernando moves around the room, tidying. He grunts when the remote hits his stomach. “Put on some sports or something. What ever you want.” Fernando beams. Mark raises a questioning eyebrow._

_“You’re looking after me.” Mark observes. Fernando nods, putting the empty cans noisily in the bin. “Why?”_

_“You do the same for me, no? When I have a shit race?”_

_“Yeah, when we were-”_

_“-Shh.” Fernando chastens. “Not tonight. Please.”_

_“What’s gotten into you?”_

_“You have a shit race with a shit team who idolize your teammate. Want to remind you that you are loved too…”_

_“Fernando, we’re not together anymore.”_

_“Does not matter.” Fernando states, pulling on the ends of Mark’s trousers. The Australian lifts his hips until he is left only in his boxer shorts. “Still care about you. Want you to feel better.” Fernando moves over to the phone, passing Mark the menu. “We order and then can watch sports or a shit film. Then you can rant to me. Just like you used to.” Fernando beams. Mark frowns, taking the menu._

_“I really don’t get you.”_

_“No thinking tonight.” Fernando reminds, dialing the appropriate number._

_It’s a lot later when Fernando wakes up. The remains of their devoured room service and the half empty bottle of champagne sit on the desk as the credits of the film Mark had put on are rolling up the screen. They had had a great night of bitching about Sebastian and the team, with Fernando adding in his own personal complaints about the lack of competition his car brought. Fernando frowns, rubbing his eyes as he sits up. It makes him smile to hear Mark’s laugh._

_“Time?” Fernando yawns._

_“About half twelve…” Mark doesn’t remove the hand from around Fernando’s waist, rubbing gently up his back._

_“Woah… Should probably go…” Fernando states sadly. The smile falls of Mark’s face._

_“Yeah…”_

_“No… Do not do this… Try so hard to get it there in the first place…” Fernando sighs, cupping Mark’s cheeks and brushing his finger against the corner of his lips. Mark let’s out a gentle chuckle. “There, better…” Fernando nods sleepily, pressing his lips to Mark’s. He doesn’t realise what he’s done until Mark is pushing him back. “Sorry…”_

_“It’s fine… Don’t worry…” But the sadness is already creeping back onto Mark’s face. Fernando hates it. He sits himself up, pulling Mark with him and holding the Australian tightly._

_“Do not be sad…” Fernando whispers, their lips inches apart. He can feel Mark’s warm breath on his face. He’s so close he hears Mark swallow nervously._

_“I’m always sad when you leave…” Mark whispers back. Fernando kisses him softly at first, but it doesn’t take long for that to intensify. Neither of them will even know who started it, but not before long Mark was pulling Fernando’s shirt over his head as the Spaniard pulled at the elastic waistband of his boxers…_

_“You were at Mark’s?” Lewis asks, in a tone that shows he thinks he’s heard wrong. Fernando continues to look at the floor._

_“He looked sad…”_

_“So do homeless people, Fernando, but I don’t spend the night with them!” Lewis snaps, pacing in front of the Spaniard. It’s starting to burn on Fernando’s last nerve. “So what, he just invited you in-”_

_“-Went myself.” Fernando cuts. Lewis stops pacing to look at him like he’s a madman. “He looked sad so I wanted to check he was Ok.”_

_“And was he?”_

_“Is now…”_

_“Brilliant! So what did you do?” Lewis sneers sarcastically._

_“Just got some food, watched a film… Fell asleep…”_

_“In his arms?” Lewis pouts moodily. Fernando rolls his eyes._

_“No, was on the sofa.” Fernando lies. Lewis resumes his pacing._

_“And so, what? He just let you sleep?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“How fun that must have been for him.” Lewis spits in a tone that tell Fernando he doesn’t believe him. “Did you sleep with him?” The question catches Fernando off guard. He still has the linger of Mark’s touch on his skin, the feel of him inside him…_

_“No.” Fernando blushes at the floor._

_“Liar.” Lewis gasps. Fernando looks up at him. “Oh my God… You slept with him.”_

_“Lewis-”_

_“-No! Ok? Don’t!” Lewis barks, pacing frantically. “What a fucker!” He suddenly outbursts, causing Fernando to jump._

_“Sorry?”_

_“You went to him as a friend and he took advantage of you!”_

_“No, Lewis-”_

_“-Of course, that makes perfect sense. So typical him. He probably made you feel like you were helping him out. Bet he forgot to even mention you’re getting divorced.”_

_“Lewis, I started this. Was my choice.” Fernando presses. But he isn’t sure why. Lewis just shakes his head._

_“But he gave you food, right? And then you fell asleep? Fernando! He fucking drugged you!”_

_“Mark does not-”_

_“-He obviously drugged you, Fernando. There is no other explanation. It’s not like you still love him. You remember what he did.” Lewis stops pacing to cup Fernando’s face. Fernando pushes his hands away, retrieving a drink from the mini bar with his back to the Brit._

_“Yes, Lewis, of course I remember what he did. Do not have to go over this again…” Fernando’s tone is tired and fed up; his exhausted body is not in the mood for Lewis’ rants tonight. Because he is scared he has made a mistake in leaving Mark. Going to Mark last night wasn’t a mistake. Fernando had gone to his room with a plan and he felt so over the moon when it had been more successful than he expected. Being intimate with him again… Fernando couldn’t let that wonderful giddy feeling go. But that elated feeling has just left him more confused in this whirlwind of feelings._

_Maybe he does still love Mark…_

“Excuse me, sir?” Fernando wakes suddenly to have his shoulder being shaken frantically. He’s confused and disorientated. He doesn’t understand where he is. He locks his panicked eyes on the brunette woman with deep red lips and a blue uniform. “The plane has landed. You need to vacate the cabin.” She says sweetly. Fernando sits up straight, grabbing at his neck as the ache from holding it in one place kicks in. He looks around and notices the cabin is empty. There is only him and a few airhostesses who are tidying the aisles. “Sir?”

“Yes, sorry…” Fernando nods, getting swiftly to his feet. The airhostess hands him his bag.

“Thank you for flying with British Airways, we hope you have a pleasant stay here in Asturias.” She smiles. Fernando just nods, taking the bag and moving swiftly into the warm Spanish sun.

His head is still spinning as he makes his way through passport control. He doesn’t understand his dream at all. Well, not really a dream. He has to believe that was a memory. His headache throbs painfully as if in agreement as he takes his passport back, moving quickly towards the arrivals lounge, heading for the exit. He can’t make any of it make sense, and trying to remember specifics is like trying to look at a fuzzy picture. He remembers going to Mark’s hotel room, sleeping with Mark and then Lewis was yelling at him. He’s desperate to remember some of the words to make sense of the memory but they’re already slipping out f his head. Just like they would if it was a dream.

“Mr Alonso!” Fernando turns, still frowning as his name is called from across the lounge. He sees a man rushing towards him, looking a little relieved. “Contamos con su coche esperando.” The man beams, pressing a set of keys into Fernando’s hand. Fernando frowns at them.

“But how did you-?”

“-Su hermana nos llamó y nos dijo que sería aterrizar hoy. Ella también quería que yo digo no para venir a visitarla. Ella es "muy ocupado".” The man babbles before rushing off, leaving Fernando with only a bright smile to remember him by. Simply gaping after the man Fernando shakes his head, looking down at the keys. His thumb runs over the Prancing Horse as he remembers that it’s not 2003 and he doesn’t drive for Renault.

He drives for Ferrari.

He’s not surprised to see the glistening silver piece of machinery waiting for him outside. Fernando smiles like a child at Christmas when he hits the unlock button and the car responds to him. _It is mine. This car is mine._ Pushing his sunglasses back over his eyes he drops his bag in the boot, climbing into the sleek car. Tenderly he runs his hand over the steering wheel before turning on the engine and listening to it roar into life. His smile brightens as he dashes off, deliberately revving the engine to hear it scream. Irrelevant to what the car man said, Fernando still decides to go and see Lorena. If what Mark has said is right he apparently hasn’t seen her for a while and he can’t believe Lorena could be too busy for him.

However, when he reaches Lorena’s house and is met with the door slammed in his face, he thinks maybe something isn’t right.

\- - -

“Well I’m glad you landed safely.” Mark smiles. Fernando nods uncommitted. His house seems bare and empty with just him in it. Something is definitely missing. He has found himself sat on the windowsill looking out at the massive garden, trying to work out why one person would need so much space.

“Yeah, I sleep for most of the journey…”

“That’s not surprising.” Fernando loves the fact he can hear Mark’s smile in his voice.

“Is something missing?” Fernando asks, relenting to his confusion.

“Missing?”

“In this house. Is big… Way too big for one person…”

“Yeah, well… I guess you haven’t lived in it alone for about five, six years? That might be why…”

“Big garden…”

“Yeah, the dogs used to love that. You used to hate it when then decided you needed some company for your morning swim.” Mark laughs. Fernando curls closer into Mark’s hoodie, pretending he’s here with him.

“Can imagine… Where are the dogs?”

“Hey?”

“When I was there they were not…”

“Annie was looking after them for me.”

“Oh?”

“She always does when I go off for a race. I just asked her if she could hold onto them for a bit.”

“Shame…”

“Shame?”

“Would have like to meet them…”

“…Fucking hell, mate…”

“What?” Fernando panics.

“No, nothing. I just… Well, you have met them already. Just you can’t remember it. I keep forgetting…”

“Oh… Of course…” _Yes, Fernando. They lived here with you…_

“Something is on your mind… What happened?”

“How do you know?”

“I know you quite well, Fernando.”

“Well, erm…”

“Did you remember something else?”

 _Yes._ “No…”

“If you did… Just tell me, yeah? I promise I won’t explain anything unless you ask, but I just want to know...” Guilt settles in Fernando’s stomach at lying to Mark. He decides he’ll tell him about the memory tomorrow morning. “So what is it? What’s up?”

“I… Went to see Lorena…”

“Fernando…” Mark sighs disappointedly. He knows what has happened. Mark knows Lorena had shut him out.

“Why is she mad at me?”

“You shouldn’t have gone there, mate. You… It’s only going to confuse you more.”

“Can just tell me…?”

“Not without telling you who Lewis is.” Mark says sadly. Someone knocks at the door.

“Have decided that I will find out in a week.” Fernando explains as he gets off the windowsill. The knocker knocks again.

“Hey?”

“Will fly back to you in a week.”

“Yeah, fine, but what will you find out?”

“Will get Lorena talking to me again. Am her brother. Cannot just hate me.”

“Fernando, seriously, listen to me. That’s not clever.”

“Is fine, Mark. She is my sister.” Fernando laughs, reaching the hallway. Another calm knock.

“No, Fernando. Promise me you won’t go back to hers. At least let me come with you.”

“Mark, are being silly.”

“I’m really not, mate.”

“Can sort this myself. Am an adult.” Fernando puts his hand on the door handle.

“Fernando, you’ve forgotten ten years of your life. Things happened. Please don’t go to Lorena’s again.”

“Am going back tomorrow. Will not leave until she talks to me. Simple.”

“It’s really not that simple, buddy.”

“Am her brother.”

“ _Things happened_.”

“Whatever.” Fernando shakes his head, moving to open the door. “Will fly back to England in a week.”

“I wouldn’t bother, mate. Fly to Paris. I’ll meet you at the airport.”

“Paris?” Fernando frowns, his hand freezing having pushed the handle down.

“We’ve got the FIA Gala. You came second this year, I was third.”

“And Sebastian first.” Fernando nods. “Ok, will fly to Paris.”

“Awesome.” Mark smiles down the line. Fernando opens the door. “So what are-?” Fernando never hears the end of Mark’s sentence as his phone slips out of his hands and clatters to the floor. A small bunch of flowers are presented with a sheepish smile.

“Sorry to suddenly show up…” He says. Fernando just blinks, confused. His head throbs painfully. “I know flowers aren’t really your thing, man, but I wasn’t sure what else to get. My Dad always taught me never to show up empty handed, so…” The sentence ends into an awkward silence. The flowers are pressed into Fernando’s now empty hands. “Errh… Can I come in?”

Fernando steps to the side, letting Lewis into his house without a word. Fear clutches at his throat until he feels like he can’t breath anymore. Fernando closes the door, sliding down it as Lewis makes his way through the house at ease, finding the kitchen. The Spaniard’s hands scarper for his dropped phone as he hears the kettle boiling.

“Fernando-?”

“-Mark… Is here.” Fernando chokes, dropping the flowers onto the floor.

“What? Who? Fernando, tell me what’s happening.” Mark panics. It does nothing to calm Fernando down.

“Lewis…” Fernando breathes before the Brit reappears into the hallway, frowning at Fernando cowering by the front door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #ForzaJules


	13. #LoveConquersAll

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So close but also so far away.

Lewis moves slowly down the hallway, still frowning at Fernando.

“What are you doing on the floor?” Lewis asks, a light laugh in his voice. Fernando eyes him dangerously.

“Fucking Lewis?” Mark snarls down the phone. Fernando just nods, incapable of forming any more words. “Alright, Fernando. Just listen to me-”

“-You don’t need this right now…” Lewis says gently, crouching in front of the Spaniard and sliding the phone from Fernando’s clasp. He hangs up the phone, pushing it deep into his pocket. “Come on. I’ve got the kettle boiling.” Lewis smiles, moving back into the kitchen. Fernando starts to hyperventilate, feeling dizzy as the room sways. His headache pounds insistently but he’s too scare to succumb to the unconsciousness. What if he has another memory? What if Lewis demands to know? Fernando panics.

“Ferri?” Lewis calls, frowning deeper as he pokes his head around the door to still see Fernando pressed against the wall. Fernando wrinkles his nose as the pet name as the Brit approaches slowly. “What are you doing on the floor, silly?” Lewis tries to laugh but it’s clear his concern is getting the better of him. “Come on… Please?” He’s almost begging as he holds out a hand to Fernando. Taking a deep breath, Fernando lets this stranger link their fingers together. “Don’t forget your flowers.” Lewis blushes a little, getting Fernando to his feet.

Fernando doesn’t like being lead through his own house. Not at all. But Lewis takes him through to the kitchen, sitting him down before he takes the flowers from his hand and puts them in a vase awaiting them. The Spaniard has the urge to run. Just get up and run laps of the house. The air feels incredibly thick and Fernando feels like his throat is closing up. Is this a panic attack? Does Fernando suffer from panic attacks? It scares the Spaniard that he doesn’t know.

“Where do you want these then, babe?” Lewis says tenderly, holding the vase up. Fernando just shrugs which makes Lewis laugh. “Of course you wouldn’t know… Alright, I’ll put them in the lounge.” The Brit nods, pressing a kiss to Fernando’s forehead before leaving the room. Fernando lunges for the sink as soon as Lewis has gone, throwing all logic to the wind and turning on the cold tap, catching the jet spray of water in between his lips. He’s desperate to feel some kind of looseness in his throat but nothing seems to be working. Falling back against the work surface his fingers slip from the sink as dizziness causes the room to spin.

_Listen to me, Fernando. I know what he’s up to…_

_You don’t understand, Ok? I’ve seen them together…_

_Why would I lie to you, huh? I care about you… Too much sometimes…_

_I just don’t want to see you hurt…_

“Ok, up we get…” Lewis mutters, pulling Fernando off the floor. The Spaniard falls heavily into the seat Lewis directs him to. “There… What were you trying to do?” Lewis asks gently, tenderly stroking Fernando’s cheek. Fernando drops his head forwards between his legs.

“Sick…”

“Ok, that’s alright. Just take some deep breaths. Sit tight. I’ll be back in two seconds.” Lewis rubs Fernando’s back gently before disappearing. A bucket is slid between his legs into his line of view. Fernando frowns at it. “Can you sit up?”

“Sick…”

“Ok, then you can be sick. Just be sick in the bucket, yeah? I’m not sure your Mum would appreciate you throwing up on her rug, eh?” Lewis smiles, sitting on the floor and leaning against Fernando’s leg. He rubs soothingly at Fernando’s ankle. “Do you still feel sick?”

“Cannot… Breath…” Fernando forces, beginning to panic again. Lewis has him back on his feet with his arms under Fernando’s.

“Alright, just stay calm. You’re fine. We’re just going outside, yeah?”

“Yeah…” Fernando slurs, going heavy in Lewis’ arms.

_Fernando he’s no good for you…_

_You know what he did…_

_He’ll do it again and again and again…_

“Sit… No, Fernando sit. Don’t fall. You’ll hurt yourself, man…” Lewis somehow gets Fernando sitting on the poolside and places the bucket beside him. He pulls off the Spaniard’s shoes and socks and pushes his feet beneath the chilled water to try and cool him off. “Don’t fall forwards. Try and fall back if you need to…” Lewis sends Fernando a concerned look as the Spaniard looks dazed with half lidded eyes. The Brit puts his hand under the water before placing it to Fernando’s forehead. “You look pale, babe….” Lewis frowns. “Let’s get this hoodie off, yeah?”

“No…” Fernando moans, trying to grip tighter to the material. But Lewis pulls it over his head easily never the less.

“I’ll just put it over here, Ok? It’s still fine. I don’t want you messing it up, yeah?”

“‘Kay…” Fernando sighs, leaning forwards. Lewis grabs at his shoulder pushing him back onto the grass.

“Lean back, Fernando. I said back.”

“… Sorry…”

“Do you feel tired?”

“… Dizzy…”

“Dizzy?”

“Head hurts…”

“How long has your head been hurting?” Lewis asks curiously, swaying the water with his feet.

“Since my crash…” Fernando sighs, swallowing forcedly, his fingers stroking down his throat.

“Can you sit up?” Lewis asks again. Fernando shakes his head a little.

“Feel sick…”

“OK, it’s Ok…” Lewis coos, running a gently hand through Fernando’s hair. Fernando feels content. Lewis is very easy company apparently…

_But it’s not just him, Fernando…_

_Oh shit, no, I really shouldn’t tell you…_

_It’s-_

“-Fernando!” Lewis’ panicked face comes into focus after Fernando has thrown up, rolling to his left. Lewis forces him upright.

“Stop-” Fernando tries, but before he knows it his falling forwards, vomiting into a bucket. Lewis rubs his back soothingly.

“Shh… It’s Ok…” Lewis mutters softly, combing Fernando’s hair out with his fingers. Fernando shakes his head.

“Sick…”

“It’s alright, Ferri. Whatever Mark did to you did this. I’m glad you got yourself out of there. Now things can go back to normal.” Fernando frowns at Lewis’ comment. Mark didn’t do anything to him. Mark had wanted to explain but Fernando didn’t let him. Fernando is sure he’s having a panic attack. The suddenness that Lewis has appeared in his life combined with the stress of not really knowing who Lewis is has sent him over the edge. His muscles begin to spasm as if he’s cold. But he’s not. The sun is burning down hot on his skin. He’s frightened of the random things his body might do.

“Scared…” Fernando pushes before vomiting again.

“I know he must have scared you, Fernando, but it’s Ok. You’re here with me now.”

“No…”

“Shh, just relax, Ferri. Everything is fine.” Lewis kisses into his temple. Fernando tries to push away from him but only ends up falling into the pool. Everything suddenly becomes a rush of bubbles as he finds himself sinking into the deep end. Fernando kicks frantically, aiming for the rippling sky.

_Mark did this to you._

Fernando thrashes his legs, blinking rapidly as the chlorine blurs his vision.

_He’s the reason for all of your pain._

He thinks his arms brush the surface but he’s mistaken. He’s nowhere near.

_I won’t let him hurt you again._

Fernando can see Lewis’ blurred figure moving with the pulse of the water surface.

_I love you. He never did._

Fernando takes a huge lungful of air as he resurfaces, coughing and blinking rapidly as he tries to make everything come back into focus. But everything is a blur between memories and reality and Fernando can’t make sense of anything. What the hell is his head trying to do to him? What the hell is going on? Fernando can’t focus. Fernando can’t see.

“FERNANDO!” Lewis yells.

_Alright, Fernando, just listen to me-_

“Fern-!” Lewis’s voice is lost as Fernando sinks under the water surface again. He sees Mark’s face. Fernando closes his eyes, trying to make sense of anything.

_I’m always sad when you leave-_

“Fernando! Fuck, all right, I’m coming in. Just try and stay above-” But Lewis’ voice is lost when Fernando swims straight into the concrete side of the pool, loosing whatever consciousness he had left. He hears a splash to his left before it all goes dark, Mark’s soft smile shining in his mind’s eye…

\- - - -

“Fucker.” Mark spits, slamming his phone on the table. It has been an hour since Fernando got abruptly cut off. Mark is fuming. He has no idea what Lewis is telling Fernando or what Fernando might accidently find out. It scares him to the core. This is exactly what he wanted to avoid happening. He drops his head into his hands, trying to think of the best next step.

“What has he done now?” Ann says softly, placing another cup of tea beside Mark. Mark gets to his feet.

“I’m going to Spain-”

“-Mark, for the last time sit down!” Ann says sharply. Mark glares at her. “You’ll only make things worse if you go!”

“You didn’t hear him on the phone, Annie. He was petrified!”

“There is nothing you can do-”

“-He doesn’t know who Lewis is! Lewis is a stranger to him!”

“Mark Alan Webber sit your arse back down at this table at once!” Ann shoots as Mark tries to leave the room. With a dark glower Mark slowly sits heavily back in his seat. “Thank you.”

“I can’t fucking believe this! I was going to explain!”

“Ranting and raving won’t help anyone, Mark.” Ann sips at her tea. “Why is Lewis a ‘fucker’?” Mark’s not sure he’s every heard Ann swear so casually before. He stumbles for a moment before sliding her his phone.

“He’s trying to make a fucking point.” Mark spits as Ann looks at the picture. Posted to Lewis’ instagram account is a picture of a small bunch of red roses captioned: _Happy to finally have Fernando back on his feet. Big crash but progress is looking up :) <3 #LoveConquersAll _

“Per usual.” Ann grimaces passing Mark his phone back.

“It’s literally like he’s saying ‘look world, I’ve got Fernando now’. You know he’s only doing it to piss me off…”

“You shouldn’t let it piss you off.”

“A little difficult when he’s filling my husband with lies.”

“Did you not sign the papers?” Ann frowns, blowing lightly on her tea. Mark shakes his head.

“That’s why we had a fight before the race… I can’t believe how much of a mess this is. If he had just let me explain…”

“You were right to respect his wishes, Mark. This was his decision, not yours. Stop blaming yourself, you did the right thing by him.”

“Yeah, but Lewis won’t.”

\- - - -

“Morning, sleepy head…” A voice laughs above Fernando. Fernando simply groans. “Don’t open your eyes too fast. You’ve been out cold for a few hours.”

“Few hours…?” Fernando moans. Lewis continues to pass his fingers through Fernando’s hair.

“Yeah… You need a haircut, Ferri… It’s too long…”

“Uh huh…” Fernando nods, wincing as his headache comes back at full force.

“Woah… Don’t sit up too fast, babe. You’ll be sick again.”

“Should I have slept?”

“That’s what your body want to do, Nibby. You’ll feel better for it.” Fernando frowns as he opens his eyes slowly. _Nibby?_ “Are you feeling better?”

“Mmm…” Fernando sits up slowly, rubbing his eyes.

“I unpacked your bag and I washed your clothes so there nice and fresh for you. It’s about seven so should we just order pizza for tea?” Three things Fernando didn’t want happening were or had. Takeout food is completely against his diet, no? Why would Lewis even suggest that? Though, is that against his 2003 diet or his 2013 diet? Fernando’s head throbs as he tries to work out the answer.

And then he realises he’s naked.

A hot blush attacks Fernando’s cheeks as he snuggles further under the duvet. He’s naked. And his clothes are across the room. That means he has to stumble over to them _naked_ in front of this man who he should know but he doesn’t. Fernando is not comfortable with that. No way does he want to be striding around naked. Not really anyway. Maybe for Mark…

“Can I have my clothes please?” Fernando asks, his face turning redder. Lewis kisses his forehead before moving across the room and picking up the pile of clothes. He retakes his seat beside the bed after handing the pile to Fernando. Fernando frowns at him. Is getting dressed a spectator’s sport now?

“So, pizza? ‘Cause I don’t feel like cooking, man.” Lewis shrugs, putting his feet up on Fernando’s bed. Fernando is distracted though as he pulls the hoodie out from under his shirt. Mark’s hoodie. He brings it to his nose… Nothing. Lewis has washed Mark away. “What’s wrong?”

“N-Nothing…” Fernando mumbles, dropping the dark material that is now only that. A symbolic image of Mark but nothing more. It holds nothing of Mark. Lewis made sure of that.

The Brit watches Fernando carefully. He knows exactly whose hoodie that was. That’s why he washed it. Fernando needs no reminders of Mark around him. No trace of the Australian anywhere. That was really why Lewis unpacked Fernando’s bag. He was double checking nothing more of the Australian’s had journeyed to Spain. When Fernando lets the hoodie fall limply on the bed Lewis is satisfied.

“So, that pizza then?” Lewis smiles, getting up. Fernando just nods solemnly.

“Lewis?”

“Yes, babe.” Lewis beams, turning back to face Fernando from the doorway. Fernando’s eyes are still locked on the hoodie.

“Can I have my phone?”

“Why?”

“Just… Just to have it…?”

“You don’t need it, Nibby, do you?” Lewis cocks his head, as if challenging Fernando to tell him he’s wrong. Fernando just shakes his head, playing with the hem of one of the sleeves. “Meet me downstairs once you’re changed?”

“Ok…”

“Cool.” As Lewis disappears Fernando pulls the hoddie over his naked body, curling into it desperate for it to smell of Mark. Of course it doesn’t, but Fernando still hopes. Closing his eyes tightly, he tries to remember Mark’s number…

But that’s no use either.

\- - - -

“I don’t really feel like I should go…” Ann mutters as she hovers in the kitchen doorway. Mark exasperates as the phone rings through to voicemail again; Fernando’s chirpy Spanish message beginning to sound before he hangs up.

“I’m fine.” Mark clips before pressing the phone to his ear again.

“But you’re really not…”

“Annie, it’s late, Ok? You can’t babysit me forever.”

“I’m not babysitting, Mark.” Ann says, clutching the empty casserole dish close.

“For fuck sake…” Mark mutters, slamming the phone down on the table. Ann looks at him sadly.

“Mark, promise me you won’t do anything stupid.” Ann bites her lips as Mark starts again on trying to call Fernando. “Like go to Spain?”

“I’m not stupid, Annie.” Mark snakes, hanging up and redialling once more. “Besides, I don’t want to put Fernando through that again…”

“Again?”

“When Lewis decided he was going to take Fernando away from me in Brazil.”

“Right…”

“He didn’t understand then and he still doesn’t now.” Mark bites, harshly ramming his finger on the redial button.

“Mark, what is calling him going to achieve?”

“I can tell Lewis to back off.”

“Like Lewis will really listen to you…” Ann points out softly. Mark sends her a pained look.

“Fernando can’t find out from him. He just can’t… Lewis will twist it again, and right now Fernando just doesn’t understand.”

“You need to calm down, Sweetie. Fernando’s a big boy-”

“-Who has forgotten ten years of his life.” Mark reminds. Ann sighs, retaking the seat next to Mark. He accepts her warm embrace.

“He got around you not explaining, Mark. You have to trust him…”

“If Lewis gets one whiff that Fernando doesn’t remember… That’s it. This whole thing is over. Lewis will tell him a twisted side of things and Fernando will never want to see me again…”

“Don’t think like that sweetie, please. I hate to see you like this…”

“I wish he’d never gone to fucking Spain. I wish he’d never fucking met that dick.”

“How do you think Lewis knew Fernando went?”

“Huh?” Mark asks, trying to subtly dry his eyes. Ann looks down at him, gently stroking fingers through Mark’s hair.

“How do you think Lewis knew Fernando went to Spain?”

“I don’t know… Jenson must have told him he was here… Maybe he was waiting outside?”

“Don’t be silly, Mark.”

“Or maybe he tagged Fernando’s phone. I don’t know. All I do know is the fucker is in Spain with Fernando and now Fernando’s not picking up.”

“There can be a few reasons for that, Mark. Don’t beat yourself up about this, please.”

“It’s odd because this time it really does feel like I’ve lost him…”

“Mark…” Ann tutted sadly, pulling Mark closer. “Stop, please.”

“I think you should go now, Annie… Thanks for the food… And for understanding…” Ann doesn’t protest. She simply gets to her feet and leaves Mark to trying fruitlessly to get a response to his calls. It breaks Ann’s heart to see him so wrecked. She remembers all too well what Mark was like the first time Fernando left. She had never wanted to see it again. But here it is, smacking her hard in the chest as Mark stares blankly at his phone.

Mark hears her leave, but he doesn’t hear her come back. Maybe she doesn’t come back, but he knows she’s at least opened the door again when eight paws clatter towards him on the wooden floor. Mark can’t help but slide to the floor, letting them nuzzle affectionately at him as they curl close, sensing his sadness. He rests his head back against the seat of the sofa and lets the tears spill from his eyes as the dogs rest their heads on his knees.

Because he really feels like he’s seen Fernando for the last time…

\- - - -

_Bzz Bzz… Bzz Bzz…_

“Woah, that really is annoying…” Lewis comments, smirking to himself as he clears away the remains of Fernando and his takeaway. Fernando’s legs are itching to go for a run or a bike ride just to simply feel like the fat and shit from the food he’s just eaten isn’t settling in his stomach. But there is no way he can run when he can see his phone, constantly ringing. He knows it is Mark. If only Lewis would just let him answer… “Hey,” Lewis smiles softly, cupping Fernando’s cheek. “He’ll stop in a minute. Then this will all go away and we go back to us, yeah?” The Brit doesn’t wait for a response. He just beams at Fernando. Fernando snuggles deeper into Mark’s hoodie as Lewis moves away, getting a beer out of the fridge. Beer Fernando didn’t even know he had in the fridge.

“Going to go for a jog.” The Spaniard declares, getting to his feet. He reaches for his phone but Lewis scoops it into his hands first.

“What? Why? It’s almost nine.”

“Feel like a jog…”

“No, Nibby. You’ve only just eaten. You’ll be sick again.”

“Need to get out of the house for a bit…” Fernando declares, moving through to the hall.

“So you’re going jogging?” Lewis frowns after him. Fernando opens the cupboard by the front door and smiles. Now _that_ would feel like normality.

“No…” Fernando grins, pulling at the handlebars. “Bike ride.”

“You don’t cycle anymore.” Lewis says, pushing the metal frame back into the cupboard and closing it. He folds his arms. “It’s been a long day, why don’t we go to bed?”

“Cannot… Not tired…” Fernando sighs, moving back through the house. Surely there has to be another bike here somewhere. He simply doesn’t believe Lewis when he says he doesn’t do it anymore. That’s not true. Cycling is too much of his life.

“Fernando, you had a pretty big concussion earlier. And fuck knows what Mark gave you to make you weird out on me when I got here… I’m not letting you out of my sight.”

“Then come with me.” Fernando shrugs, fighting with a second bike. Lewis stops him easily.

“You need to chill, man, Ok?” Lewis dictates, moving Fernando back into the kitchen. Fernando winces at the pile of boxes on the side left from dinner. “Here.” A much smaller box is pressed into his hands and Fernando looks down at the cigarettes Lewis has given him. “They will stop you being restless.” Fernando nods slowly, his fingers already inching towards one however much he knows he shouldn’t. He gets to his feet, heading outside. “Where are you going?” Lewis asks with a cigarette already sticking out between his lips.

“Outside.”

“Why? It’s fucking freezing out there, Ferri.”

“Am not smoking in here.” Fernando almost scoffs. Lewis looks at him like he’s crazy.

“We normally do.” Lewis frowns, lighting his own cigarette.

“Now do not.” Fernando snaps, throwing open the back door and striding out into the cool evening. He hates how his fingers reach for the toxic stick in anger. Hates how he holds it between his lips like a pro. He wants to stop for Mark. He knows he needs to stop. But somehow he can’t find it in himself.

“Ok, Nibby. Just chill, yeah?” Lewis asks softly, throwing a blanket over Fernando’s shoulders that he also snuggled under. He tucks his arm around Fernando’s shoulder as he light the Spaniard’s cigarette for him. “Whatever Mark has given you must still be in your system. It’s Ok. You’ll be fine in the morning, babe. You’ll be fine. Then we can go back to pretending he doesn’t exist. We don’t ever have to see him again. I have a really good lawyer who can get him to sign those papers. Don’t worry about a thing, man. I’ve got you now.” Lewis mutters softly, blowing smoke into the air. He ends with a delicate kiss to Fernando’s forehead. But he’s unaware that his words have confused Fernando. Why would he need a lawyer? And what isn’t Mark signing? Fernando shakes his head. He definitely doesn’t want to ask Lewis. He doesn’t really want Lewis here. He still wants to go for that bike ride, but now he’s sure it’s because he wants to be as far away from Lewis’ arms as possible…

“Lewis?” Fernando asks softly, tapping away the excess ash from his cigarette into the ashtray the Brit is holding.

“Hmmm?” Lewis nods, kissing Fernando’s forehead again.

“Can you-?”

“-Fucking thing…” Lewis rolls his eyes as Fernando’s phone starts ringing in his pocket again. He pulls the device out, throwing it away from them onto the grass. The display lights up, distracting Fernando as he see a picture of Mark shinning up to the sky. “What did you want, babe?”

“Errh… Can you… Can you not stay tonight?” Fernando asks, feeling a desperate need to be alone now. He doesn’t want Lewis lingering. He wants a week of no confusion and then he wants to meet Mark in Paris.

“You… You want me to go…?” Lewis frowns. Fernando sits up straight, knocking the blanket off his shoulders. He nods a little.

“Just feeling a little… Crowded? Would like some time on my own…”

“Fernando, listen. I’m still me, Ok? Whatever he’s done to you, whatever he’s threatening to do; I’ll protect you.” Lewis states sincerely, cupping Fernando’s cheek. Fernando doesn’t really know what to do or say. “I understand thought. Whatever he gives you always messes your head a little when you come back to me. It’s fine, I understand really. But I know you’ll need me in the morning. So I won’t go. But I’ll stay in the spare room, yeah? Then you can have the ‘space’ you need.” The way Lewis almost scoffs the world ‘space’ doesn’t sit well with Fernando. It’s as if this ‘space’ thing is a made up concept. As if Lewis doesn’t think it’s possible for Fernando to want or need to be more that five feet away from him. It makes Fernando swallow nervously.

It makes Fernando wonder what kind of relationship Lewis and he have.

\- - - -

“I should go to bed…” Mark slurs at his dogs. They are both sending him almost disappointing looks as he swings Jack Daniels from the bottle. “What?” Mark accuses. “He’s with fucking Lewis. I’m allowed to be upset here.” Simba places his head back in Mark’s lap, looking sad. Shadow just whimpers at him. “This hurts….. I knew, I _fucking knew_ I shouldn’t have let him come with me. He should have just gone with Lewis. I should have made him go…” Messily Mark takes another swing from the bottle, splashing some down his front. “You boys miss him, don’t you? I can tell you know…” Mark lets his head fall back, clunking the bottle loudly on the floor. “You’re never as excited to see me anymore. You’re always looking out for him…” Leaving the bottle on the floor, Mark forces himself to his feet. He’s not going to sit here and wallow. That definitely not his style. He’s ‘pounding it all out in a jog’ or ‘pushing too hard on a bike’ to get rid of the hurt. He doesn’t want it lingering around.

“Come on… We can all cuddle up again…” Mark sighs, scratching behind the dogs’ ears as he shuffles towards his bedroom. It’s a rare treat that he lets his dogs up to sleep with him, but ever since Fernando left the first time he’s been finding them as more frequent guests, not being able to deal with the cold sheets and the reminder of everything that happened.

It’s just after Mark has settled into bed with Simba and Shadow boxing him in that his phone goes. He drops it in his haste to answer.

“Hello?” The voice says on the other end of the line. Mark presses the device firmly to his ear, sitting up sharply. Both dogs’ ears prick up at Mark’s sudden movement.

“Fernando?” Mark gasps, praying this isn’t a dream. It’s not.

“Am sorry. Lewis took my phone. Would not let me answer.” Fernando rushes, his voice a quick whisper. Mark relaxes back into the bed. Fernando still wants to talk to him. Nothing has happened yet then.

“Yeah, I don’t actually find that surprising…” Mark mutters. _You git, at least you know what it’s like to have your house filled with constant ringing._ “You’re whispering.”

“Am supposed to have gone to bed. Thinks am asleep.”

“Won’t he notice you’re not there?” Mark frowns with a hint of jealousy in his voice.

“I…Errh… Am not sharing with him…”

“You’re not?”

“No… Feels too weird. Told him I need some space.”

“I bet he took kindly to that.”

“Keeps telling me you’ve done something to me. That will be fine in the morning…”

“And...?”

“You never do anything to me. Is confusing me.”

“Don’t listen to him, Fer. He doesn’t like me very much. You’ll find he’ll talk me down a lot.” Mark yawns, snuggling down further under the duvet. Simba traps him in place, sniffing curiously at Mark’s phone. Mark can’t help but smile at him, tickling the top of his head.

“Erm, Mark?” Fernando asks sheepishly.

“Uh huh…”

“What, errh… What is Nibby?” Mark can’t help the booming laugh that spills from his lips. Shadow sniffs at his face to make sure he’s all right.

“Oh, fuck… Has he called you ‘Ferri’ yet?”

“Yes… Do not know what these things are…” Fernando asks, biting back a smile.

“Basically he refuses to call you Fer, Nano or Nando because I’ve called you those things. So he’s made up his own. I never thought you liked Nibby.”

“No… Is weird…” Fernando giggled. “Like Nano though…”

“Yeah, it’s cute.”

“Mark.” Fernando pouts. And if Mark closes his eyes he can envisage the cute expression on his husband’s face.

“You’re only proving me right, Nano.” Mark smiles. He can hear Fernando’s happiness down the phone.

“Wish he had not come…” Fernando suddenly sighs. “Wish I had not come…”

“Stick it out for a week, mate. Just remember most of what he says against me is bollocks.” Mark smiles tiredly.

“Who is he?” Fernando asks. Dread sets in Mark’s stomach.

“He, errh…”

“To me? Why is he here?”

“He’s your boyfriend, Fernando.” Mark says seriously, staring at the ceiling. “He’s probably there because he loves you and wants to make sure you’re Ok.”

“Am Ok. Can he not leave now?”

“God no. He won’t be leaving. I expect him to hold your hand all the way to Paris.”

“Do not want this…”

“Well, 2013 you would.” Mark shrugs sadly. There is a long pause and Mark wonders if Fernando has fallen asleep.

“Remembered something…”

“Yeah?”

“On the plane…”

“Right…” Mark gets a little weary. Why didn’t Fernando mention this earlier?

“Cannot remember clearly. Is like a burred video. But you were there. Red Bull had just won the Constructors but you were not celebrating. I came to your room…” Mark’s breath catches in his throat. He remembers explicitly the evening Fernando is talking about. The night after the Indian Grand Prix.

“Ok…”

“You know what am talking about.” Fernando surmises.

“Yes, I do.”

“… Remember sleeping with you… Then Lewis was yelling, telling me you had drugged me, just like he does today…” Mark never knew what had happened after than night. He just remembered turning up in Abu Dhabi to have Lewis demanding he sign Fernando’s divorce papers. But it gave Mark hope because it was no longer Fernando asking. That was until Brazil…

“Ok.” Mark nods. He’s not really sure what Fernando wants him to say.

“I forgave you…”

“Ha… yeah, I guess you did…” _For a couple of weeks._ “But Lewis is very persuasive, mate.”

“But came to you… Was my choice?”

“Yeah, completely. Lewis still blamed me.”

“Why?”

“I’ve already told you, mate, he doesn’t like me. He took the year to befriend you so he could optimise when I slipped up.”

“Do not want to know anymore…” Fernando yawns. Mark frowns.

“But I could-”

“-No. Is too confusing with him here at the moment. Do not need anymore confusion.” Mark just nods. He doesn’t agree but he understands.

“So is Lewis taking you to Lorena’s tomorrow?” Mark can’t help but laugh internally at how that would pan out.

“No.”

“No?”

“Am going alone.”

“He won’t let you go alone.”

“No.” Fernando agrees. Mark recognises Fernando’s tone, and because of that he’s next three words don’t surprise the Australian. “Am sneaking out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #ForzaJules


	14. Don't You Dare Hold That Against Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of angry words and things still aren't making any sense…

Fernando isn’t asleep. He’s just staring at the clock, waiting. Mark didn’t seem too impressed with his ‘break out’ idea but Fernando needs to see Lorena. He needs some normality. And he needs to understand why she slammed the door in his face. That doesn’t make sense at all to Fernando. Why on Earth would Lorena shut him out? He’s her brother. She is supposed to always have his back and look out for him. What could have possibly happened to make that change? She simply didn’t want to know him. She opened the door, took in it was him for maybe three seconds before it was slammed shut.

Fernando is so confused. He just wanted something to make sense.

Fernando has decided that he can’t sleep because Mark is not there. That’s logical to him. Because Mark is his husband and he loves him. He remembers back to the hospital, how nothing felt right until he was in Mark’s arms. Or the hotel room when Mark was shutting him out. Both times he had needed Mark’s arms to lull him to sleep. That could be the same case again.

And he’s decided he’s not bringing Lewis into this theory.

No way does Fernando want to be sleeping in the arms of a stranger. No way. He doesn’t even want to be sharing the same house as him. He’s scared of Lewis. He’s scared because he doesn’t understand Lewis’ role in his life. Why would Fernando need a boyfriend if he is married to Mark? Why would that even be necessary? Fernando doesn’t know or care. He just wants Lewis gone. He wants Mark back.

What would have happened if Mark had have come with him to Spain? Lewis would have still appeared, right? Would he try and steal Fernando away from Mark again? Would he not even listen to Fernando’s pleas to be left with the Australian? Lewis seemed persistent on keeping Fernando away from Mark but the Spaniard didn’t understand why. It was one of the many reasons Fernando wanted Lewis gone. He didn’t want to have to deal with things that he didn’t understand anymore.

But it worried Fernando that his phone gave away more evidence that he wanted to be with Lewis. He cringed at the picture of the two of them on his lock screen. Hated the way it was his lips pressed against the Brit’s cheek. He feels like it should be Mark and him on the phone. But he’s scrolled through the entire thing and he can’t find any. Not one picture of Mark and him. Fernando hates it. Too many of Lewis. Too many of Lewis and him. It’s too much.

Fernando’s broken his phone again because he couldn’t deal with it anymore and threw the device across the room.

How the hell has he done this? How bad is he for doing this to Mark? It’s like he’s just wiped him out of his life without a care. But Fernando does care. He loves Mark deeply. How did this even happen? He doesn’t know what makes him search through his text messages but that’s what he finds himself doing. Nothing from Mark. Nothing from Mark again. Just Lewis. Messages from Lewis. Fernando hates himself for reading them because they just confuse him more. And he also can’t believe he would send _that_ to Lewis. He dreads to think of what he was doing as he sent those messages.

What has made Fernando prefer this way of living? What has made him turn him back on kind, compassionate Mark and waltz into the arms of this man who seems just a little obsessed with him? It worries Fernando a little as he reads the messages, the demands of wanting to know where he is, what he’s doing, whom he’s doing it with. The amount of them that go without reply is reassuring. At least he knows he isn’t conceiving to Lewis’ demands. At least he knows he’s still got some of his morals from 2003. He just doesn’t know why he’s putting up with Lewis’ shit.

‘Nibby’? ‘Ferri’? Why has he let this go on for so long? Why hasn’t he just told Lewis his fucking name is Fernando and that only? If Lewis can’t deal with using Mark’s pet names then he uses no pet names at all! Fernando will never understand why he let the names roll passed him, let them set into his skin. It’s just something else that confuses him, something else that makes Fernando want to run away.

And when the clock bleeps over to half five, that’s exactly what the Spaniard does.

He climbs carefully out of his bed, moving towards the bathroom with cautious steps. God knows where about Lewis is in the house. Fernando just hopes he’s asleep. Quickly freshening himself up, the Spaniard moves back into his room and over to his bag. He repacked it again when Lewis sent him to bed. He isn’t staying in this house long. Not if Lewis is sticking around. Resisting the urge to take the whole bag with him and never come back from Lorena’s, Fernando finds a pair of jeans, shirt and hoodie and pulls them on.

He’s suddenly caught out when the intoxicating smell of Mark brushes over his nose. Gasping, Fernando clutches tightly to the neck of the jumper, pushing it to his nose. He doesn’t understand. It’s his jacket but it smells completely like Mark. It doesn’t make sense but Fernando does not complain. Now smiling slightly, he slips his trainers onto his feet, nose still buried in the material, as he descends the stairs quietly.

Fernando observes the hallway before he moves off the stairs. Grabbing his keys from the side he rushes to the door and opens it, no longer caring if he makes a sound. Just before he shuts Lewis into the house on his own, Fernando catches the sound of a muffled snore. The Spaniard smiles as he dips out of the house.

\- - - -

“Fernando? Come on, man! I’m cooking your favourite!” Lewis calls from the bottom of the stairs for the third time. He doesn’t understand what’s going on with Fernando at the moment. Yes, every time he sees Mark he is odd with Lewis for a while, but usually he’ll find the Spaniard sneaks into his room halfway through the night, pressing himself tightly against his back. But that didn’t happen last night. Fernando didn’t appear. It worries Lewis because he really doesn’t know what Mark has done this time. Why was Mark allowed to be with Fernando at the hospital but he wasn’t? Mark wasn’t his partner anymore, Lewis was. The Brit had been furious when the doctoring staff had told him he wasn’t allowed up. And now he had given Mark two whole weeks to fuck with Fernando’s head.

“Ferri, come on now!” Lewis yells, his voice breaking a little. Still no reply. Panic is the thing that sends Lewis up the stairs, aiming directing for their room. “Fernando, not funny anymore. You need to get up-”

Lewis freezes as he opens the door, seeing the bed empty and Fernando’s bag packed. He rushes over to it, sitting below the window, and starts pulling the clothes back out, spewing them across the floor as if they’ll give him the answer he’s looking for. Of course they don’t. He just makes a mess.

“Ferri?” Lewis almost whimpers, throwing the duvet on the floor. Empty. Fernando is not there. He rushes over to the bathroom. “Fernando!” Lewis yells into the empty room. His breathing is fucked as he paces back into Fernando’s room. No, no, what’s happening? Lewis doesn’t understand. And he’s panicking. He slides to the floor, clutching at his heart. “Fernando…” His eyes are glistening with tears as his brain registers the soft vibration from across the room. He scampers to his feet, tossing the clothing out of the way until the phone comes into view. The tears brew angrily as they rush down Lewis’ face.

Because Mark is texting Fernando.

And a picture of Mark is back on Fernando’s lock screen.

_Mate, come on. Reply… [slide to read more]_

With violence, Lewis slides Mark’s name across the screen and taps in Fernando’s passcode. But the phone doesn’t unlock. Frowning, Lewis tries it again. The four numbers Fernando always uses to unlock his phone. But they’re not working. Lewis groans angrily as another message flashes through.

_Nano, don’t do anything stupid. I know… [slide to read more]_

Lewis barely registers the crack on the back of the phone as he activates the voice control and directs the phone to call Mark. It rings three times.

“Morning, buddy.” Mark smiles bubbly. Lewis’ jaw locks.

“Buddy?” He spits. There is a moment of pause on the phone.

“Lewis?”

“You think you have the right to call him ‘buddy’ after _this_?” Lewis snarls. Mark sighs over the phone.

“Before you go off on one-”

“-What the fuck did you do to him?” Lewis demands, shaking slightly with rage. He doesn’t care that tears are dampening his cheeks. He just wants Fernando back.

“I told you not to go off on one.” Mark bites back. Lewis scoffs at him.

“Are you _kidding_ me?”

“Lewis-”

“-He’s texting you! He hasn’t text you for months!”

“Wrong-” Mark inputs, but he might as well not have bothered.

“-And you’ve done something to him!”

“Why don’t you tell me what’s going on to make you overreact.”

“I am _not_ overreacting, man! What the fuck have you done?”

“Nothing, per usual. But I know that’s not good enough for you.”

“We were fine! We were done with you! What are you even doing, man!” Lewis growls, gripping tightly to Fernando’s Ferrari shirt.

“I’m still his husband, Lewis.” Mark points out.

“Only because you refuse to sign the papers!”

“When Fernando really wants me to sign them, I will.”

“He wants a divorce, Mark.”

“No he doesn’t. You do.”

“Tell me what you’ve done to him! Have you drugged him again!”

“I’ve never drugged him, Lewis.”

“If you think I’ll believe that you’ve been taking too much of your own shit.”

“Why did you call me?”

“You are texting Fernando!”

“Why do you have his phone?” Mark asks slowly, trying to work out what’s going on. Lewis gets to his feet, glaring out the window.

“Have you taken him?” Lewis grits.

“I’m in fucking England, Lewis.” Mark says too calmly. Lewis narrows his eyes.

“Where is he?”

“Why would I know that, mate?”

“We’re not mates, Mark.”

“No, I’m very aware of that.”

“Where is he?”

“Have you been so careless with him you forgot where you chained him up?”

“I don’t-! Fuck you, Mark!” Lewis spits. “Tell me where he is.”

“No idea.” Mark shrugs.

“Mark!”

“I think you need a new padlock, Lewis. Especially if he’s breaking out of these ones-”

“-I swear to God if you don’t tell me where he is-”

“-You’ll what?” Mark jeers. “You’ve got nothing more you can take from me, Lewis.”

“I’ll make sure you never see him again. I’ll make sure he never thinks about you ever. He won’t even remember your name.”

“That would be impressive considering you’ve got no idea where he is.”

“No, but you’re going to tell me.”

“I think you’re plan is a little floored there, mate.”

“Tell me where he is.”

“And how would you ‘make him forget me’ anyway, Lewis? With drugs?”

“I’ll leave that to you, actually.” Lewis bites.

“I have never drugged him, Lewis. I promise.”

“Like that means shit.”

“I swear on Fernando’s li-”

“-DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE!” Lewis hits the window in frustration. Mark returns with a simple sigh.

“Give him back his phone when you find him, eh?”

“Fuck you, Mark! I will kill you if you ever hurt him again!” The line goes dead and Lewis lobs it across the room.

Glaring out the window, that’s when he realises Fernando’s Ferrari is missing.

\- - - -

Fernando continues to look at Lorena’s door from his parked car just a little down the road. He’s been sitting there for about half an hour, having gone to the shop first to get her some flowers. This feels horrible. Why is he nervous about going to his own sister’s house? He shouldn’t be sitting here trying to work out how to get passed the door; he should already be inside, sipping on a nice cup of tea. He shakes his head. This isn’t good enough.

He’s decided he’s going in, irrelevant to what Lorena says.

Getting out the car, Fernando smoothens his hair down nervously, picking up the small bunch of flowers. He feels like an idiot being so nervous about trying to get Lorena to talk to him. He just wants someone to laugh at crappy Spanish shows with him. Just like they used to as kids. He misses that. And he misses just understanding what’s going on in his life.

He feels like a coward when he hides behind the flowers as he knocks.

“Who is that?” Lorena frowns, trying to see round the flowers masking the knocker from view. Fernando peers between a sunflower and a rose with a small smile. “Nano?”

“Lorena-” Fernando starts, slowly appearing from behind the flowers. But the door is slammed in his face again. Fernando sighs, dropping his head. “Lorena, please.” He begs, knocking again. “Just want to talk to you!”

“Fuck off, Fernando.” His sister’s muffled voice sounds from behind the closed door.

“Lori!” Fernando tries again. Still no response. “Am sorry. For whatever I did!” There is a scoff and the door opens. Fernando wants to hide behind the flowers again; Lorena is mad.

“For _‘whatever you did’_?” She spits.

“Can I-?”

“-No you cannot.” Lorena snaps.

“Just listen-”

“-No, Fernando, _you_ listen. Made it clear wanted nothing more to do with you. Will not be part of whatever game you are planning. Refuse to stand by you whilst you ruin your life!” Lorena rages. Fernando frowns at her.

“What are you talking about?”

“Do not act fucking coy, Fernando.”

“Lorena, please, do not-”

“-Are unbelievable!” She suddenly shrieks. Fernando clutches the side of his head as it throbs painfully.

“Lorena-”

“-Do not want you fucking up your life, Fernando, but if you will not even listen to me-!”

“-Lorena, please…” Fernando chokes, vibrant colours and screaming faces flashing in his head. _No, no, not now._

“Stop fucking around, Fernando. I told you do not want to see you again-”

_“Get the fuck out of my house!”_

Fernando stumbles backwards, the flowers falling limply from his hand.

“Fernando?”

 _“Do not give a fuck what_ he _thinks is best for you! How can you not see this! Understand you are upset and angry and that is fine, are allowed to feel those things. He hurt you. Badly. But doing this is making you just as bad as him!”_

_“He loves me, Lorena. Will never hurt me.”_

_“Are jumping into this way too fast!”_

“FERNANDO!” Lorena rushes forwards as Fernando crumbles to the ground. He is breathing harshly; gripping tightly to his head with his eyes squinted shut. He looks like he’s in agony. Lorena doesn’t know what to do. “Nano? Nano!” She shakes his shoulders violently but it makes no difference.

_“Do not care what you think, Lorena.”_

_“Fernando stop this. These are not your words.”_

_“Great, so now am a lifeless puppet?”_

_“No, Fernando, stop being so…”_

_“So what?”_

_“… So melodramatic! This happens all the time, are not special!”_

_“Thank you for this.”_

_“Fernando come back here!”_

“Fernando? Fernando, is Ok. Just calm down, yes? Deep breaths…” Lorena coos as she searches frantically through Fernando’s pockets. “Where is your phone, Nando? Where have you put it?”

“Mark…” Fernando chokes, the word ripping from his body. It’s enough to freeze Lorena’s movements.

“Mark?”

_“So what are you saying? You agree with what he did?”_

_“No, Fernando. Not at all. But are being just as bad! If not worse!”_

_“Am_ worse _than him now?”_

_“Fernando-”_

_“-So my own sister turns against me. My own sister sides with the person who hurt me most?”_

_“…Yes.”_

“Nano I said breathe slowly!” Lorena pleads as Fernando starts to gasp for breath. “What are you doing?”

_“Fuck you.”_

_“No, Fernando. You do not see what you are doing! You will wake up one morning and realise your mistake.”_

_“Are really siding with him?”_

_“Yes. Because you are doing much worse. He wants to fix this!”_

_“So did I…”_

_“Fernando-!”_

_“-Just because you want to fuck him the first time you see him-!”_

_“-I explained to you how you got that wrong! And don’t you dare hold that against me!”_

_“Maybe will fuck you now!”_

_“Are making a huge fucking mistake, Fernando!”_

_“Well, maybe are more like him than I think!”_

_“…And what is that supposed to mean?”_

The sky spins so it becomes the ground.

“Fernando!” Lorena grabs at her brother’s body but it slips through her fingers and he shudders painfully to the ground. “Fernando?” Lorena cups his face but he’s sobbing uncontrollably, barely even breathing. “Nano, calm down! Please!” She begs.

“S…Si-i-c…Ck…” Fernando gags. Lorena manages to roll him onto his side before he vomits.

“Fernando, shh, just calm down…” Lorena tries, tears spilling down her face. Fernando starts shivering violently, his teeth chattering even though he is breaking out in a dampening sweat. Lorena looks down at him with her hands an inch above contact. She doesn’t have a clue what to do.

_“If you could keep your legs together maybe you would know who’s that is.”_

_“Get the fuck out of my house.”_

“FERNANDO!” Lorena screams as Fernando’s eyes roll back and he falls unconscious. Lying blissfully in the simple silence and snuggling into the guileless darkness…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #ForzaJules


	15. At Least I Know What You Really Think Of Me!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe Fernando does suffer with panic attacks...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Halfway there...

_“Get the fuck out of my house.”_

_“Cannot handle the truth, Lorena. Already have one kid with no father!”_

_“I said GET OUT!”_

_“Stay away from me. From us.”_

_“You will do well to do the same!”_

_“Fuck you, Lorena.”_

_“I will take pleasure I watching you ruin your life, Fernando. Was the best thing you ever had!”_

_“Will not stand here and listen to you worship him. Is she his?”_

_“What a ridiculous thing to say! Of course you are accusing me of sleeping with my brother-in-law!”_

_“Would not surprise me…”_

_“GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!”_

_“Fine by me!”_

Fernando can feel the vomit rising in his throat. He really doesn’t want to be sick again. But there is nothing he can do to stop it.

“No…”

_“Cannot believe you would do this to me! My own brother! At least I know what you really think of me!”_

_“Am not your brother. Will not be related to a disgrace like you.”_

_“Likewise you fucking arsehole!”_

_“Really? Name calling?”_

_“Grow up, Fernando.”_

_“Keep your legs together, whore.”_

“Do not…”

“Shh, it’s Ok. Tila? Can you get Mama the bucket from the sink please?”

_“I hope you crash that fucking car!”_

_“Nice. Thank you for wishing me dead.”_

_“I did not-!”_

_“-Do not care what you have to say, Lorena.”_

_“Don’t you ever come back here!”_

_“Will give Mark your number in case he is lonely or bored.”_

_“FUCK YOU!”_

_“Is your own fault for being so easy-”_

“Fernando, calm down…”

“S-s-i…”

“Alright, shh…. Thank you Tila. Here, Nano.”

“Is Uncle Nado Ok?”

“Go to your room, sweetie.”

“Mama-?”

“-Room, Tila.”

_“I hate you! I fucking hate you!”_

_“Should look in the mirror, Lorena. If you can stomach it.”_

_“As should you!”_

_“Whatever. Would prefer to be me than some cheap tramp.”_

_“Are as bad as him now, Fernando. Anything you do from this point on makes you worse.”_

“Fernando?” Lorena says softly, stroking the sweat damp hair off Fernando’s forehead. She places the damp flannel back on his head once he’s finished being sick. “I think I need to call a doctor… Nano? Are you all right? Please be all right…”

Soft lips touch gently on Fernando’s head. He thinks of Mark.

_Tyres squeal as Fernando races down the road. The roar of the engine drowning out whatever Lorena screams after him._

“Mark?” Fernando breathes. Lorena lets her tears tickle Fernando’s face.

“No, no Mark, Nano. Just me. Am here for you…”

“Mark…” Fernando begins to sob.

“Please stay calm, Fernando. I do not… You need to stay calm…”

“Head… Hurts…”

“Ok… Am going to call a doctor, Nano, yeah? Just… Stay here. Stay calm. Will be back in a moment…”

The soft hands fall away from him as Fernando succumbs to the soothing darkness once more.

\- - - -

Mark hops off the treadmill as the phone rings. He moves quickly through the house, draping the towel around his neck. It doesn’t take him long to locate the phone and he picks it up without reading the caller ID. As he falls into the sofa Simba climbs up beside him, resting his head in Mark’s lap. Mark’s fingers find his soft fur as he answers the phone.

“Hello?”

“… Mark?” Mark sits forwards abruptly, knocking Simba as he does. Simba groans annoyed that Mark disturbed him and has stopped playing his fingers through his fur but Mark barely notices.

“Lorena?”

“Mark… He…”

“Lorena, what’s happened?” Mark panics. Because he knows Fernando was heading over there. He knows Fernando disappeared on Lewis earlier. He knows Fernando has definitely been to Lorena’s, even if he’s not still there.

“Do not…”

“Is Fernando there?”

“… Yes….”

“Can I talk to him?”

“… I… Do not…”

“Lorena, he knows I know he’s there. Please… Please let me talk to him.”

“Cannot…”

“Why?”

“Is… A doctor…” Simba sits up quickly as Mark gets to his feet, his concern for his owner’s sudden movements clear in the cock of his head.

“A doctor? Lorena what the fuck is happening?”

“Do not know….”

“What happened?”

“Fernando… Came to the house… Tried to get him… Get him to go away… Then he collapsed…”

“Collapsed!” Mark exclaims, nothing but dread in his voice. He should have gone with him to Spain. He should have forced Fernando to stay in England. Anything to keep them together. He hated the fact he didn’t know what was going on.

“Did not know who to call….”

“But you’ve got a doctor, yeah?”

“Is checking him now…”

“Is he…” Mark’s brain struggles to find the words.

“Un… Unconscious… Was holding his head. Says it hurt…”

“Fuck…” Mark runs a hand messily through his hair. How soon could he get to Spain?

“Am scared, Mark…” Lorena admits.

“I’m on my way.” Mark nods, setting a plan in his head.

“Thank you…”

“Just stay positive, Lorena. I’m sure he’s fine. Tell him I’m on my way.”

“Will he not want… Lewis?”

“Things… Things have happened. I’ll explain when I get there.” Mark nods, already moving up the stairs to pack a bag. He knew letting Fernando go was stupid. He internally curses himself as he piles together some clothes. Once Lorena hangs up he calls Ann.

“Mark? Are you Ok?” She asks softly. Mark exasperates a breath.

“Not really.” He shrugs truthfully.

“Tell me how I can help.”

“I need you to look after the dogs for a bit.” Mark says, tucking the phone between his ear and shoulder as he bundles his things into the bag.

“The… Why?” Ann asks, confused.

“I’m going to Spain.” There is a short pause.

“No, Mark. You’re not.”

\- - - -

There is a sweet smell coming from something. Something close. He knows it but he can’t put his finger on it. If his eyelids didn’t feel like fucking ton weights he would open them and find out what that pleasant smell is. For now he just lays. Is he lying? Or is he sitting? He finds the world could be any way up right now and he wouldn’t know. He’s not sure if that’s a comfort or a pain. Nothing really makes sense at the moment. Just something else he doesn’t understand.

So he decides to focus on the sweet smell because it’s nice… Soothing….

“…What are you saying…?”

“…Is fine, had a panic attack…”

“… A panic…?”

“… Yeah….”

Voices fade in and out of Fernando’s conscious mind as he lets the sweet floral scent fill his senses. It’s nice to not be probed for answers for once. Or be weighted down with a swirl of questions. Fernando relaxes, letting out a deep sigh. He feels properly content for the first time since he climbed out of the car in Brazil.

“…Uncle Nado…?” A small voice whispers. Fernando doesn’t recognise the voice. A frown breaks the restful look on his face.

“… Has he suffered from them before…?”

“… Am not sure…”

“…Anyone who will know…?”

“Uncle Nado…”

“Mmm…” Fernando groans as the light starts to filter into his eyes. Everything still feels heavy but his eyes are loosening up. Something prods gently at his cheek.

“Are you dead…?”

“Guphmp…” Fernando tries to batter the poking finger away but his arms won’t respond.

“Uncle Nado?”

“Tila, I told you to go to your room.”

“Not tired!” The small voice protests.

“Tila-”

“-How about we leave this little one with Fernando, yes? Then we can finish our conversation in the other room…”

“Do not-”

“-Will be really good at looking after Uncle Nado, Mama! Promise!”

“… Alright, fine! Just… Just stop poking him…”

“Miss Alonso?”

“Ok…”

“Will look after him, Mama.” The little voice smiles. Fernando frowns, eyes still closed, completely confused as to what’s going on. “Uncle Nado?” a small hand presses lightly on his cheek. And then something wet is placed over his eyes. “Am a really good nurse, Uncle Nado. I look after Mama when she ill…” Fernando can’t follow the conversation. None of it makes sense. In his confusion his eyes are peeling themselves open. Fernando tries to fight it but it is not working; the light is already pouring through the material that has been placed on his face. “Will keep you happy…” Fernando doesn’t know what to do when a small hand takes his. He blinks a few times, trying to let his eyes adjust to the room. But he feels sick again as everything sways slightly. He can’t help but smile as a second little hand strokes the back of his. “Uncle Nado?”

“Hmm…” Fernando hums, his throat feeling dry and scratchy. The damp flannel on his eyes is peeled back slowly and Fernando blinks a few times as a sunflower comes into his view. He frowns a little, trying to understand the relevance as a young girl’s face joins it. She has Fernando’s dark eyes.

“This will make you all better… Is a magic flower-sun…” The little girl beams, touching the sunflower gently to Fernando’s forehead. Fernando can’t help but emulate her expression softly, thinking the little girl is cute even though he has no idea who she is.

\- - -

“I’m not letting you go to Spain, Mark!” Ann exasperates, still holding Mark’s bag tightly in her hand. Mark is still glaring at her.

“You don’t understand, Annie-”

“-No, Mark, _you_ don’t understand.” She stresses, walking Mark’s bag through the house. The Australian follows her.

“Fernando’s in trouble and I’m the only one who-”

“-Fernando is always in trouble according to you.” Ann sighs, collecting Mark’s car keys. Mark grabs her arm.

“You need to let me explain.”

“So what are you going to do? Go over there and demand Lewis gives him back?”

“No, Annie-”

“-This is ridiculous! You told me you were staying here! You were letting him do his thing because that’s what he wanted. Now you’ve been asleep and suddenly changed your mind? No. Give him this week, Mark. Wait and meet him in Paris.”

“Annie he went to Lorena’s! OK? He’s gone to Lorena’s and fucking collapsed!”

“And what help will you be to this situation?” Ann folds her arms, giving Mark a stern look.

“I’m not arguing with you, Annie. I’m going. Something has happened and I need to be there for him.”

“Mark, this is stupid!” Ann declares as Mark heads out of the house, no keys no bag. “Leave it to-”

“-Lewis?” Mark spits, turning back on her. “Lewis doesn’t have a fucking clue what’s going on, Annie. Nor does he know where Fernando is. Lorena won’t call him. Not now she knows I’m on my way.”

“But you’re not on your way. You’re not going anywhere.”

“Annie!”

“Call her and tell her to get Lewis. You’re staying here.”

“He fucking collapsed, Annie! I’m the only one who knows he can’t remember the past ten years!”

“Mark, you’re not thinking straight. I’m sure he’s fine. You need to calm down and relax. Go back to your training.”

“I can’t just fucking ignore this, Annie. Lorena needs my help.”

“She’s a big girl I’m sure she can work this out. She doesn’t need you rushing over there, Mark.”

“I need to go, Annie.”

“You need to leave this. You need to start getting used to Fernando not being here.” Ann tries softly. It is evidently the completely wrong this to say.

“And what does that mean?”

“He’s back in Spain now, Mark, just like before Bra-”

“-No way! He still doesn’t remember! I refuse to loose him this easily!”

“Mark, you’ve already lost him…” Ann tries, gently. She is not ready to be pushed up against the wall.

“I have not.” Mark grits, his eyes brimming with tears as hot anger pounds in his ears.

“I’m just trying to make you see clearly, Mark.” Ann says, pulling at Mark’s tight grip on her. He doesn’t let up. “You can’t live like this. He’s gone. When he remembers he’s certainly not coming back here-”

“-It’s been nearly three weeks, Annie. He’s not going to remember!”

“Sweetie, don’t kind yourself-”

“-I am NOT!” Mark bellows, bumping Ann back against the wall. Spot appear in her eyes momentarily.

“You need to calm down, Mark.” Ann raises her voice sternly.

“I need to get to my husband.”

“He’s not your husband anymore, Mark! He’s with Le-”

“-Fuck you, Ann!” Mark rages, shoving her to the floor. By time she’s composed herself and sat up with the room swaying ever so slightly the front door has already slammed. Mark has gone. Simba nuzzles at her face until she tenderly strokes the dog’s head.

She needs to find a way of stopping Mark from getting to Spain.

\- - -

Fernando sits watching the little girl contently, his nose buried deep in his jacket. Luckily when he was sick he managed to avoid messing it up, so it still smells strongly of Mark. It’s a comfort. A comfort he’s desperate for in this confusing time. Fernando knows the doctor left a little while ago but Lorena still hasn’t come back into the room. He doesn’t understand why that is. Maybe now he’s fine Lorena has remembered why she hates him. Maybe she‘s trying to work out how to kick him out.

“Uncle Nado?” The little girl – Tina, Fernando thinks her name is – asks softly, not looking up from ‘bandaging’ Fernando’s ankle with toilet paper. She seems to have taken being a doctor in her stride.

“Yes?” Fernando says softly, understanding that that is apparently his name to this little girl. She ties a messy knot at the bottom of his foot.

“Why have you not bee round for ages?” Fernando blinks at her a few times as she starts wrapping his other foot in toilet paper.

“Do not know.” Fernando shrugs honestly. “Maybe have been too busy?”

“Mama says you are not coming round anymore… This makes me sad…” She sighs, playing with Fernando’s toes. He hides further down in his jacket. What the hell was going on? And why the fuck couldn’t he remember? His head throbs dully as he looks down at the little girl by his feet.

“Tina-”

“-Ti _la_.” Tila corrects with a small giggle. Fernando slides onto the floor so they are at the same height.

“Would you like me to come and see you more?” Fernando asks gently. Tila beams at him.

“Yes, please, Uncle Nado.” She grins. Fernando nods.

“Then this is what I do.”

“Hope you are not making any promises you do not intend to keep.” Fernando looks up as Lorena speaks, standing in the doorway holding a glass of water and a couple of paracetamol. Fernando blushes a little as she moves towards him but he still doesn’t understand. “Here. The doctor says you can take a couple of these.” Lorena offers gently. She moves Fernando back up onto the sofa as Tila begins wrapping Lorena’s ankle in toilet paper.

“Lorena-” Fernando starts. But he is interrupted.

“-The doctor thinks you had a panic attack.” Lorena says, waiting for Fernando to take the tablets out of her hand. She seems frosty with him again. Fernando frowns at her swallowing the pills.

“Oh… Ok…?”

“Have you had one before?” Lorena asks calmly, still not looking directly at Fernando. Fernando chews on his lip.

“Do not know…”

“What do you mean?”

“Do not remember…” Fernando drops his head, playing with the hem of his jacket. Lorena openly frowns at him.

“Do not remember?”

“No…”

“Do not-”

“-Mama?” Tila asks from the floor, tying a secure knot around Lorena’s ankle.

“Yes, darling?”

“Uncle Nado Says he will come and play with me again.”

“Yes, I hear.” Lorena says, turning back to Fernando with an unimpressed look. Fernando sinks lower into his jacket. “Why not go and put on your pretty dress for Uncle Nado.”

“Pretty fairy dress?” Tila gets up excitedly. Lorena nods and she dashes from the room. Fernando can’t help but smile after her.

“You seem younger… Do not get it.” Lorena observes. Fernando has to laugh at that.

“Figures.”

“Figures? What is up with you, Nano?” There is still an edge to Lorena’s voice. An edge that lets Fernando know she still isn’t forgiving him, even if she is helping him out. Fernando can’t really blame her if his memory is true.

“Do not want to talk about it.” Fernando sighs. “Can we just… Be normal?”

“Normal for us does not include you sitting on my sofa, acting calm. It is you being as far away from here as possible, not promising my daughter false hope.”

“Is your daughter?” Fernando asks, looking back round at Lorena. Lorena had been pregnant in the memory… But Fernando is confused because if that is the case Tila is a lot older than she should have been. Lorena is looking at him as if he’s lost it.

“Yes, Fernando… Did you hit your head when you fell?”

“No worse than already had…”

“What are you talking about?” Fernando sighs, giving Lorena a sorrowful look.

“Are not going to believe me…”

“Cannot remember my three-year-old daughter, Fernando. Three years you have known her.”

“Well, cannot remember anything so this makes sense.”

“… What?”

“After my crash in Brazil. Have forgotten the last ten years apparently.” Fernando shrugs. Lorena doesn’t really know how to react.

“Is this one of your games?”

“Why do people always assume am playing games?” Fernando frowns. Lorena shakes her head.

“Ten years?”

“Yup.”

“… Cannot remember anything?”

“Was looking for Flavio in the hospital. Did not know Mark and I were married and have no idea who Lewis is but is pretty persistent he knows me.”

“Oh my God…”

“This whole thing is so confusing. People keep appearing that I do not know but should and then apparently have pissed everyone off and no one likes me and I play games. Mark wants to explain but do not think I can deal with that at the moment…”

“So you do not…” Lorena shakes her head, barely able to comprehend this herself. Fernando looks at her sadly.

“Do not believe me…”

“No… I just… Do not understand this…”

“Ask me something. Anything that has happened in the past ten years. Something only I would know. Will prove it.”

“Do not need your proof, Fernando.” Lorena says gently. Fernando isn’t convinced.

“Want to show you am not-”

“-Do not need to.” Lorena says gently, placing a hand on Fernando’s shoulder.

“Why not?”

“You were asking for Mark.”

Fernando’s frown deepens as Tila dances into the room wearing a fairy princess dress.

\- - - -

“Oh for fuck sake!”

“Mark, just go home.” Jenson folds his arms tightly, standing in front of the airport doors. Mark glares at him.

“Lewis got you standing guard?”

“No. Ann called. Said you were on your way to Spain.”

“I am.”

“No, Mark.” Jenson caught his arm as the Australian tried to barge past. “Go home.”

“This has got fuck all to do with you, mate. Back off.”

“Mark, I’m not letting you go. You can either turn around and get in your car or I can drag you to mine.”

“Jenson, fuck off. Fernando needs me-”

“Fernando has Lewis. Fernando will want Lewis.” Jenson states calmly. Mark looses it.

“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!” The Australian rages, shoving hard into the Brit’s shoulders and tumbling him to the floor. Mark’s taken about three steps when someone jumps on his back, the sudden weight dipping his knees and sending him onto the concrete also. “Nico!” Mark tries to unseat the German sat on his back but Nico holds him still.

“Are not going to Spain, Mark. Need to let him get on with his life!” Nico pants and Jenson moves over to them.

“You have to let me go!” Mark pleads, crawling towards the doors. Jenson helps Nico up before they both force Mark to his feet.

“Go home, Mark.” Jenson repeats, steering Mark backwards.

“He needs me-!”

“-He needs _Lewis_. The sooner you let them go back to their life the sooner you can move forwards yourself.”

“Jenson, please!” Mark begs, sobs breaking into his voice. No one understands what Fernando is going through. Only Mark does. Only Mark will listen to him. Lewis will just blame Mark for ‘fucking up his head’ and tell Fernando to get over it. The Australian is shaking his head rapidly, still trying to fight against the arms holding him back. But it’s of no use. The sobs break over him as Jenson clicks his seatbelt into place.

“Nico, can you take Mark’s car back to his? We’ll follow you.” Jenson says softly, handing the German the keys. Nico nods, forcing himself to turn away from Mark breaking down. He can’t deal with it. He can’t help but see the exact reasons he could never leave Jenson. Whatever the Brit had done in the past, Nico loved him too much to let him go; the pain would be unbearable.

“J-Jenson…. Jenson p-p-p-leas-se let-t m-me go… Go to Sp-pain…” Mark begs. Jenson is already sitting in the driver’s seat, Mark’s bag safely sitting on the back seats.

“You need to let him go, Mark.” Jenson admits sadly, indicating to pull off. Mark places his hand tightly on the gearstick, not allowing Jenson to get into gear.

“He’s… He’s collapsed, m-mate…” Mark tries. Jenson frowns at him. “Can… Can’t remember t-ten fucking years… Jense…. He went to Lorena’s… S-she phone-ned me and said… Said he was unconscious… She h-had a doc-doctor with him…”

“He’s at Lorena’s?” Jenson queries. Mark nods quickly.

“I need to go…”

“No, Mark. I’m taking you home. We’ll talk about this there.” Jenson presses, forcing Mark’s hand to move the car into gear. Jenson can barely stand the wails coming from his left. Mark is trying to scream the car down, continuously begging to be allowed to go to Fernando. Jenson drives on, forcing himself to shut out the Australian’s pleas.

\- - -

It’s fair to say Mark has no energy when Jenson gets him back to Buckinghamshire. He practically has to carry the Australian into the house as Nico gets his bag. Ann thanks them both before closing the door, giving no explanation to Mark’s sudden behaviour or uncharacteristic breakdown. Nico sighs deeply as they both climb into the car, running his hands over his face in a distressed manner.

“Well that was fun.” Nico sighs sarcastically.

“Shh.” Jenson requests, pressing his phone to his ear. Nico frowns at him.

“Who are you-?”

“-Lewis? Hey, hi. It’s Jenson.” Nico’s frown deepens as he watches his boyfriend. “Alright, mate…. Calm down… No, Lewis- If you shut up for three seconds?”

“Jenson, what are you-?” Nico is quietened once more with Jenson tapping his finger to his lips.

“-I know…. Shut up, Lewis! God damn it… Yes I do. Why else would I be calling? I don’t enjoy talking to hysterical people actually…”

“Jenson-?”

“-Lorena’s.” Jenson states, turning on the engine. Nico’s eyes widen dramatically. “Apparently he passed out… Did he?... No, that’s just a bit weird… Try and stay fucking realistic, Lewis… Well that’s where he is… Mark told me… Mark was on his way to Spain… No, no he’s back home now…. I don’t give a fuck whether you do or don’t, Lewis… Well that’s entirely your choice… Fine. Bye.” Jenson hangs up, dropping his phone in the drinks holder as he drives away from Mark’s house.

“You’ve sent Lewis to Lorena’s?” Nico gapes. Jenson bites his lip.

“He wanted to know where Fernando was.” The Brit tries to justify. Nico scoffs at him.

“And you thought sending him Lorena’s way was the best idea?”

Jenson doesn’t answer because he knows that was probably the stupidest thing he could have done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #ForzaJules


	16. We're Moving Forwards, Not Backwards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything you were enjoying missing suddenly brings the hurricane back to your door.

Fernando enjoys his morning with Lorena. Apparently she’s happy to pretend it’s still 2003 when they were talking and she didn’t hate him. Tila shows him her fairy dance and he can’t help but grin at her through the whole thing. She seems so thrilled to see him; Fernando can’t even begin to comprehend what he could have done to walk away from the little girl. Nor can he imagine why he would say that stuff to Lorena. That isn’t him. He has to believe that. He would never do that to his own sister.

But he did.

“So you really do not remember anything?” Lorena asks after lunch as they settle back on the sofa with fresh cups of tea. Fernando prefers the way Lorena makes it. He still can’t get it right.

“Bits… But not much.”

“Erm, so…”

“Mark fills me in on some things.” Fernando nods with a small smile. Lorena frowns a little at that.

“You have been staying with Mark?” _Of course he has. He doesn’t know Lewis…_ Lorena is finding this very confusing.

“Yes. He has told me some things, some things I do not remember. But everything is still very confusing… A lot of things do not make sense.”

“Of course…” Lorena nods, sipping on her tea. Tila is in the other room drawing something. “So… Do you remember what happened between us?” Lorena asks slowly. Fernando sighs, dropping his head.

“Maybe…”

“Maybe?”

“Am just hoping what I remembered is not true…”

“Then I think you remember.”

“Do not want to talk about it.” Fernando requests. Lorena frowns at that.

“What? Why? Surely this will help you understand-?”

“-There are lots of things I do not understand… If we start talking… Do not want to think about these other things.”

“Are talking about Mark?” Fernando nods, running his finger around the rim of his mug. “What do you know about that?”

“Little.” Fernando swallows. “Do not want to know about what happens. Is in the past. Do not remember. Just remember loving him…”

“This is so weird.” Lorena comments. Fernando frowns a little. “Are just…. So different. Is like talking to you ten years ago.”

“Well, yes.” Fernando smiles. Lorena cannot help but reciprocate.

“What do you know about Mark then? Will not fill in any gaps, I promise.” Fernando sets his mug down, hugging his knees close.

“Are married. Are in love. Are getting a divorce. Do not know why.”

“You remember all this?”

“Mark explains. Found my ring. Did not understand.”

“You found your ring?”

“Was on a chain round my neck. They took in from me in the hospital. Did not know what it was.”

“Right… And Lewis?”

“No idea. Mark says he is my boyfriend… Do not understand this.”

“Are getting a divorce.” Lorena points out. Fernando shakes his head.

“But why would I want to? Why would I leave Mark for someone I do not know?”

“You do know him, Nano. You have to remember that.”

“Is odd. Do not like it.”

“You cannot hide from this forever.” Lorena says softly. Fernando raises an eyebrow at her.

“Do you know why I want to divorce Mark?” Lorena takes her time putting her mug down.

“Yes.” There is a horrible moment where the question springs onto Fernando’s lips. He almost airs it to his sister right there. But he manages to hold it back. He manages to bite his tongue. Does he really want to know why Mark and he are getting a divorce? That would change everything. Everything he thinks he knows. He doesn’t think he can deal with that fact. He loves Mark and no one can tell him any different, right? “Fernando-?”

“No.” Fernando says harshly, glaring over at Lorena through his panic. “Do not want to know.” But there is a part of him that does, that same pretentious voice that lingers in his head whenever he talks to Mark.

“Just-” Fernando is saved from whatever Lorena was going to say as someone knocks on the door. Fernando frowns at her. “Is probably Mark.” She nods, getting to her feet. Fernando rises with her, following her into the hall.

“Mark?”

“Called him when you passed out. Was worried. He says he was on his way.” Lorena smiles lightly, facing Fernando as she opens the door. Fernando’s eyes widen in a panic as Lewis comes into view.

“Lorena-” Lewis starts, but he’s cut off when the door slams in his face.

“Fernando?” Lorena rushes over to him as he falls back against the side, simply having lost balance on his feet as he stumbled backwards. “Fernando, breathe.”

“You say is Mark.” Fernando accuses. Lorena shakes her head rapidly, brushing the hair out of Fernando’s face.

“No, Nano. I called Mark. Do not know how he knows you are here.”

“LORENA OPEN THIS DOOR!” Lewis thunders, hammering on the wooden barricade. Tila approaches them both cautiously.

“Mama? Why is there a man-?”

“-Fernando, take Tila up to her room please.” Lorena says, placing the little girls hand in Fernando’s. Fernando is frozen, shaking his head.

“How does he find me-”

“-LORENA!” Lewis snarls, shaking the door on its hinges.

“Fernando, upstairs. Now.” Lorena directs. Tila looks up at Fernando concerned.

“Uncle Nado?”

“Tila, take Uncle Nado upstairs and show him your drawings, yeah? Take him and show him your toys-”

“-LORENA FOR FUCK SAKE OPEN THIS FUCKING DOOR!” Lewis bellows.

“Upstairs, now. Go on… Fernando I’ll get rid of him. Just go with Tila.” Lorena pleads, literally pushing her brother up the stairs. “Close your door, Tila!” Lorena directs after them. When she hears the soft click of the door shutting she turns back to the raging Brit outside her front door.

\- -

“I can’t actually believe you sometimes.” Nico continues as he follows Jenson into the house. Jenson just rolls his eyes, dropping his keys on the side. “Do you even think?”

“Don’t have a pop at me, Nico, please.” Being in the car for an hour with an inconsolable Mark really has taken its toll. Jenson just wants to hold Nico close and watch a film. Even if it is the middle of the day.

“If you think about your actions before you do then-” Nico starts.

“-Please, Nico.” Jenson sighs, reaching into the fridge for a beer. Nico folds his arms.

“You need to think, Jense. You’ve always had a problem with just doing things – to hell with the consequences...”

“Are we still talking about Lewis here?” Jenson accuses, frowning at Nico. Nico glares at him for three seconds before heading outside. “Nico!” A light patter of rain hits the German’s head as he moves down to the bench in their small garden, pulling the cigarette packet out of his pocket. As he sits, putting one in his mouth and fishing for the lighter, Jenson joins him. “Don’t…” Jenson asks softly, pulling the thin stick from Nico’s lips. Nico glares at him, putting another in the last ones place. Jenson, again, pulls it from his lips.

“Jense-!”

“-Please don’t, Nico…” Jenson sighs, shuffling closer to the German.

“You have your beers and I have this.” Nico states as he places a third in his mouth. Again, Jenson takes it.

“This is not the same.” Jenson says softly. “You know it isn’t. I know why you do this.”

“Jenson-”

“-Nico, you said we’d moved passed that. It was a mistake.”

“And how many times did you make that mistake, Jenson?” Nico snaps. Jenson hooks his fingers through Nico’s belt loops, pulling him closer as he wraps his limps around the young German’s body. Nico can’t help but melt into his warm embrace.

“Too many. Way too many. And I certainly don’t deserve you.” Jenson sighs, breathing Nico in. He takes the forth cigarette out of Nico’s mouth without even opening his eyes. “Please stop.” He whispers.

“I will when you do…” Nico sighs back, gripping tightly to Jenson. Jenson shuffles closer, a small frown on his face.

“That’s not fair, Nico.”

“Maybe not…”

“It’s been ages since…”

“I know…”

“I hate that you still can’t trust me. I’m trying. I’m trying so hard for you.” Jenson kisses softly at Nico’s neck, trying to get the German to relax, rest his head back against his shoulder.

“Sometimes that isn’t good enough…” Jenson’s eyes open slowly, tears he’s always holding back brimming right on the edge. He looks down at Nico, subconsciously holds him tighter. Jenson knows any day now Nico is going to wake up as strong as Fernando and just walk out. He knows it. He can’t help but feel like it’s inevitable.

He’s still watching Nico from the window half an hour later. Tears are happily rolling down his face. He’s not even trying to stop them. Because Nico is still outside, rain soaked through his clothes, shivering slightly. He’s on his third cigarette.

Jenson should have just left him out there.

Jenson can’t help but feel like Nico is slowly slipping away from him again.

Isn’t this how it started last time?

Jenson is petrified he’s going to let it happen again.

\- -

“Lewis.” Lorena says calmly. The Brit tries to force his way into the house but Lorena holds the door still, open just a fraction.

“Let me in, Lorena!” Lewis snarls. Lorena shuts the door again.

“You are not coming in, Lewis. No way.”

“Then send him out!” Lewis spits at the closed door, hammering on it once again. Lorena’s face appears.

“Who?” She asks innocently. Lewis gives the door a shove, managing to unsettle Lorena’s footing enough to get his shoulder in the door. She locks him in place by slamming the wood against him.

“Where’s Fernando?”

“Fernando? Fernando is not-”

“I fucking saw him!” Lewis yells, still trying to shove Lorena away so he can get in. Lorena shakes her head.

“Fernando is not here, Lewis. Have not seen him for a long time-”

“-Stop lying!” Lewis bites, getting a foot around the door.

“Technically this is breaking and entering.”

“Have I broken anything?”

“Not yet…”

“Right. Then, per usual, you’re wrong.”

“Fine, but is trespassing.”

“I won’t be here long.” Lewis grits. “FERNANDO!”

Fernando spins around, shutting the door in the process as he slides down it. No, no. How did this happen? How did Lewis find him? Fernando panics.

“Uncle Nado?” Tila asks softly, cocking her head in curiosity as she holds a piece of paper in her hands. Fernando closes his eyes, breathing deeply. He cannot expect a three-year-old to deal with him having a panic attack.

“Yes…” He exhales. He opens his eyes when he feels the weight in his lap.

“Are not Ok…” Tila observes, her bottom lip protruding sadly. “Are scared…”

“Am Ok. Your Mama is sorting it.” Fernando says more to himself. Tila gets up, leaving her drawing to Fernando’s left.

“Mr Valiente will help you…” Tila explains, bringing a lion teddy over to Fernando. She sits back in his lap, holding the soft toy out to Fernando. “Helps me when I am scared.” Fernando gifts her with a weak smile as he takes the lion from her.

“Gracias.” Fernando sighs, hugging it close and closing his eyes. He looks down at Tila as she hugs him tightly, clinging to his shirt desperately.

“Is Ok, Uncle Nado. Mama will fix everything.” Fernando takes an arm and wraps it round the young girl, praying she is right.

“FERNANDO!”  
“Lewis, shut up.” Lorena glares, trying to force Lewis back out the door. He’s almost got himself in now.

“I don’t care if you’re in cahoots with Mark, Lorena. Fernando belongs with me.”

“Belongs?” Lorena scoffs. “Have you even spoken with him lately?”

“I haven’t had a chance! Mark and you are doing a pretty good job of keeping us apart, as usual!”

“Mark and I are doing nothing but respecting Fernando’s wishes.”

“Bollocks.” Lewis snarls, shoving against the door again. Lorena stumbles backwards, letting Lewis gain access to the house.

“Lewis-!”

“-Fernando? Fernando, where are you!” Lewis yells, storming through the house. Lorena rushes up the stairs as Lewis disappears into the lounge. He sees the two cups of tea, the colouring things abandoned on the table in the room opposite. He smacks the wall as he spins on his heels. “Lorena, where-?” His questions stops as he returns to the hall and Lorena is not there. His eyes fall on the stairs. “Fernando!”

“Is Ok, Uncle Nado. No one will get in now…” Tila smiles gently, sitting next to Fernando on her bed and looking back at the guard of soft toys she has set up facing the door. “Will protect us.” She takes Fernando’s hand as he still holds the lion securely under his arm.

“FERNANDO!” The muffled cry of his name has Fernando dropping his head, panting for breath. Tila observes him in a worried fashion.

“Would you like to see my drawing Uncle Nado?” She asks carefully, sliding the paper into Fernando’s line of view. He opens his eyes, looking down at the crayon people. Tila shuffles closer. “This is me. Am a fairy princess.” She indicates to the small person in a sky blue dress, just like the one she is wearing now. “And this is Mama who is the queen.” Fernando smiles softly at the crayon version of his sister. A bigger version of Tila except Lorena’s dress is purple and her crown is much more elaborate. “Here is you and Uncle Mark. You drive your cars to protect the castle from the evil dragon Lew-Gris.” Tila says softly. Fernando runs his finger over Mark’s dark blue car. Tila has drawn their heads sticking out the top of the Formula One cars with no helmets, looking like knights. “You have to hold each other’s hands to combined your super protecting powers.” She explains, resting her head on Fernando’s shoulder. Fernando feels touched. Tila knows who Mark is. And apparently she doesn’t like Lewis either, if the ugly green dragon is anything to go by.

They both gasp in fright as the door opens.

Lorena shuts the thing behind her. Fernando can see in her eyes that this has got worse. Lewis is in the house.

“Think we should play hide and seek.” Lorena smiles gently, panic still clear in her eyes. Tila drags Fernando to his feet excitedly. “Uncle Nado and you hide and will come and find you-”

“-FERNANDO!” Lewis voice is getting louder. He’s coming up the stairs.

“Go on. Go hide.” Lorena insists, ushering them through to her room, attached to Tila’s. “Am counting.”

“Know the best place.” Tila smiles, moving Fernando through Lorena’s room. Moments after they disappear into Lorena’s room with the door closing behind them Lewis barges into Tila’s. Lorena folds her arms.

“Move.” Lewis dictates, moving forwards. Lorena grips the door handle, shaking her head.

“Lewis listen to me-”

“-Get out of my way-”

“-You have to listen-!”

“-You need to let me see Fernando-”

“-Has forgotten ten years, Lewis!” Lorena begs, trying to make the Brit see sense. Lewis frowns at her.

“Of course you’re not in cahoots with Mark!” Lewis barks sarcastically. “You just both think up the same shit?”

“No, Lewis-”

“-I didn’t believe Mark when he gave me that fucked up excuse, why am I going to believe you?”

“Lewis please-!”

“Keep it…” Tila whispers, pushing the picture back into Fernando’s hands. They’re curled close together hiding in the bottom of Lorena’s wardrobe. “Drew this for you.” Fernando looks down at the picture again, catching a glimpse of Mark in the light dancing through the slightly open door. It makes Fernando’s chest hurt. He just wants Mark right now. Didn’t Lorena say Mark was coming? He would be here soon. Fernando knows it.

“Thank you, Tila.” Fernando whispers back, placing a soft kiss on the little girl’s forehead. She crawls into his lap, resting her head in the curve of his neck and fisting her hand into the front of his shirt, as if she’s scared he’s about to fade away.

“Lorena, if you don’t move I will make you.” Lewis snarls. Lorena shakes her head, tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Please believe me, Lewis. Does not know you. Does not remember the last ten years.”

“Stop making up lies, Lorena!” Lewis advances towards her as the phone starts ringing. He’s got his hand tightly around her wrist when the ringing suddenly stops. Everything freezes. Lewis frowns at Lorena whilst she sends back panicked eyes. Because neither of them answered the phone. So it must have been someone else.

It must have been Fernando.

\- - -

“I’m fine, Ann. I’m not going anywhere…” Mark is emotionally exhausted as he walks Ann to the door just after lunch. She gives him a sympathetic look that makes his blood boil.

“Promise me.” Ann persists. Mark internally rolls his eyes.

“I promise, Annie. I’m just going to go and find a film and watch it with the dogs. Take them for a run later.”

“Call me when you do. I’ll come with you.”

“I don’t need checking up on, Ann.”

“No, but Toto will need a run later as well. We’ll go together. Hopefully this rain will have stopped by then.”

“Hopefully…”

“You’re doing the right thing staying here, Mark.” Ann says softly, touching his cheek. Mark nods solemnly.

“I guess… Sorry, again, for earlier…” He adds embarrassedly, indicating to Ann’s head. Unfortunately she has a bump on the back of it from when Mark pushed her up against the wall. He feels more than terrible about that.

“Like I said, Mark. You need to chill. Take a few days to get used to not having him around again.” Ann adds gently. “I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah…” Mark shrugs in an uncommitted manner as Ann closes the door. As soon as she has he sprints through the house, picking up the nearest phone and dialling. The dogs both scamper after him, concerned by his sudden movements. “Alright, shh.” Mark chastens as the dogs start growling at the phone. “Stay there.” He says, moving to his study. He presses the phone to his ear as he walks. “Come on, Lorena, pick up the phone…” It rings for a lot longer than he would like.

“Hello?” The person on the end of the phone is whispering, but Mark nearly drops the device in shock due to the voice he hears. He presses it more insistently to his ear.

“Fernando?”

“Mark?”

“Fucking hell, mate. Are you all right? Lorena told me you passed out. I was going to come to Spain but Jenson stopped me. Forced me back here. And now I’ve got Ann monitoring my movements-”

“-Wait… Are not coming?” There is dread in Fernando’s whispered voice that makes Mark freeze.

“No… I’m sorry, I can’t.”

“Mark…” Fernando gasps. Mark knows he’s crying. It hurts him so much to hear Fernando cry and not be there to wrap his arms around him.

“It’s Ok, Fernando. It’s all going to be fine-”

“-No! Is not!” Fernando bites in a harsh whisper. “Are suppose to be here helping me! Lorena says you were coming!”

“Nano, calm down. Why are you whispering?” Mark asks, panic and angry and sadness all wrestling inside him.

“Is here. Has come and found me…” Fernando whimpers.

“What?”

“Lewis… Lewis is here…” Mark almost drops the phone in anger. _Fucking Jenson._

“I don’t…. FUCK IT!” Mark smacks the wall in frustration. He fucking knew he should have gone to Spain. Fernando fucking needs him! Fernando doesn’t remember! Why does no one seem to understand that?

“Am scared, Mark…” Fernando breathes. Mark doesn’t know what to say.

“Come home, Fernando. Just come back here. I promise things will be fine if you do…” Mark begs, sinking to the floor.

“Mark…”

“No, Fernando. Don’t argue. Just come home.”

“Want to stay with Lorena for a bit… You come to Spain. Will call Ann and tell her want you to. Do not want to be left alone with Lewis…”

“This fucking sucks, mate…”

“Tila, stay there.” Fernando mutters, moving his voice away from the phone. Mark frowns.

“What’s happening?”

“Tila and I are hiding.”

“You’re… You’re hiding from Lewis?”

“… Yes…” There is a beat where Mark makes up his mind.

“Stay there. Do not leave Lorena’s. I will be there as soon as I can be.” Mark pushes to his feet, moving towards the kitchen where his bag still waits, packed and ready for Spain. “I love you, Fernando.”

“Love you too…” Fernando breathes.

“Just sit tight mate. I’ll be there really soon.” Mark promises before forcing himself to hang up. He looks at the phone for a moment longer before he starts pressing the numbers again.

“Hey… Yeah, it’s Mark… I was wondering if you could do me a massive favour…”

\- -

Fernando looks down at the device in his hand. Something feels wrong about Mark’s final words. _I’ll be there soon._ Fernando finds that he can’t believe them. And that confuses him enough. He can hear the racket just outside Lorena’s bedroom door. Lewis still trying to force his way in. But Fernando’s sunk down beside Lorena’s bed, clutching the phone tightly to his chest with Tila’s picture hanging from his fingers. He doesn’t notice the small girl has moved until she tucks herself under his arm. Fernando holds her close.

“Uncle Nado?” She asks quietly.

“Yes?” Fernando nods, trying to stop his voice from shaking.

“Are not playing hide and seek with Mama are we…” Tila mutters sadly. Fernando looks down at her little face. She doesn’t seem scared. Just upset.

“No…”

“Are you going to go with Lewgris?” Tila mutters, watching Fernando’s face closely. His eyes snap to the door as it opens an inch before it’s slammed shut. It’s looking like he doesn’t have much choice.

“Do not want to.” Fernando admits.

“Do not like Lewgris…” She sighs, resting her head on Fernando once more. He places the lion into her arms as he pulls her onto his lap.

“Why not?”

“He makes Mama and you fight… He does not let you come and play anymore. He captures you from Uncle Mark and locks you in the dungeons so none of us can see you…” Fernando has a horrible feeling that that crayon image may have been drawn. He’s not wrong. “Miss you…” The door opens and slams shut again. Fernando makes a decision.

“Tila, you know you draw me in my car, protecting the Princess and the Queen?” Fernando starts, showing Tila the image and praying his voice doesn’t break. Tila looks up at him, captivated.

“With Uncle Mark.” Tila nods. Fernando nods with her.

“I need to do that now…”

“Do not understand…” Tila mutters, but Fernando thinks she does. Her bottom lip protrudes sadly.

“Do not cry, Tila. Have to beat the dragon. Have to protect you both.”

“But the dragon locks you in the dungeon and we do not-”

“-Will make sure that does not happen, Tila. Will come back. I promise.” Fernando claims, hugging her tightly. He literally has to pry her fingers from his shirt. “Have to be brave like Mr Valiente now, Tila. Can you do that for me?”

“Brave like Uncle Nado.” Tila nods frantically with tears in her eyes. Fernando stoops back to her level, drying her cheeks. The door opens and slams shut once more.

“Love you, Tila. And I miss you. Will see you very very soon.” Fernando promises, holding the little girl tightly.

“Lewis, this is insane!”

“I’m not leaving without him, Lorena! Mark tricked me in Brazil I refuse to let that happen again!” Lewis rages, pushing down on Lorena’s hand again, trying to get the door to open. They’re both shocked when the door starts opening itself. Lewis backs off as Lorena tries desperately to shut the door again.

“Nando, do not-!” Lorena tries but it’s no use. The door opens to reveal Fernando standing in the doorway, Tila clutching tightly to his legs and she hugs the lion in her arms tightly.

“Fernando?” Lewis tries lightly, holding out his hand. Fernando ignores it, picking Tila off the floor and carrying her from the room. Lorena and Lewis follow. “Fernando, man, come on. I’m going to take you home.” Lewis says as they descend the stairs.

“Can drive myself thank you.” Fernando returns, stopping in the hall. He places a kiss on Tila’s cheek before handing her over to Lorena with a sad look in his eyes. Lorena starts to shake her head.

“No, Fernando, please. Just stay here. Mark will be here soon.”

“There is no way-” Lewis starts, but Fernando speaks over him.

“-Is not coming.” Fernando shrugs, pulling on his shoes. Lorena frowns at him.

“Yes he is, Nano.”

“He was on the phone. Jenson and Ann are making sure he does not.” Fernando stated calmly, collecting his car keys.

“Well, I think everything has cleared itself up then.” Lewis smiles smugly at Lorena. Lorena bounces Tila higher on her hip.

“Do not have to go with him, Fernando.” Lorena pleas. Fernando shakes his head before moving forwards and kissing Lorena’s forehead. The action causes the smile to drop off of Lewis’ face.

“Will see you later, Lorena. “ Fernando promises, squeezing her hand tightly.

“Why are you doing this?” Lorena gasps, the first few tears spilling down her face.

“Is protecting our kingdom, Mama.” Tila explains, showing Lorena the picture before handing it back to Fernando. Fernando keeps looking at his sister.

“Will be back really soon.” Fernando promises again. Lewis starts to feel very uncomfortable.

“How about we get going then, yeah?” The Brit tries. Fernando exasperates dejectedly, holding Tila’s picture in his hand as he turns for the door. Lorena sinks to the floor sobbing after they have both gone, clutching tightly to Tila.

“Is Ok, Mama. Uncle Nado will be back soon. He promises. Is going to beat the dragon and Uncle Mark is going to help him.” Tila tries softly. Lorena strokes Tila’s hair out of her face, not thinking she could love the little girl anymore than she already does. And she can’t deal with breaking the hope Tila has restored in Fernando.

How she would love to be young and immune to the shit of life.

\- - - -

Lewis pulls up ten minutes after Fernando, still confused and a little annoyed that the Spaniard insisted they took their separate cars. He hates the fact he went to Lorena’s. Why Lorena’s? Lewis knows Lorena is working with Mark to get the Australian and the Spaniard back together. No. Lewis has not worked this hard for the passed four months to let it all slip out of his fingers now. It’s not happening. Fernando is his. Not Mark’s. Mark fucked up his chance, he doesn’t get another.

“Fernando?” Lewis calls, walking into the house.

“Kitchen.” Fernando returns. Lewis smiles at the normality. This could be any day where they were together. They could be in between races just relaxing. It’s exactly how Lewis wants it, deserves it.

His smile falls to the floor when he walks in the kitchen though.

“What’s that?” Lewis asks, pointing at the fridge and the new addition to the once pristine black surface. Fernando sends him a glance over his shoulder as he fills up a glass of water.

“Tila drew it for me.” Fernando smiles. Lewis frowns round at him.

“And you want it there?”

“Why would I not?” Fernando asks, sipping from his glass as he faces Lewis. Lewis shrugs.

“Are you feeling Ok now, babe?” Lewis moves over to Fernando, wrapping his arms around the Spaniard’s waist. Fernando doesn’t know what to do. He just stands awkwardly in his embrace.

“Yeah, Am great.”

“Why did you go to Lorena’s? Did she force you?”

“No.” Fernando frowns. “Wanted to see her.”

“Did Mark tell you to go?”

“Mark told me not to.” Fernando laughs, moving away from Lewis. Lewis frowns at the Spaniard as he waltzes out of the room.

“What do you mean Mark told you not to?” Lewis calls, but he doesn’t catch Fernando’s reply. He heads out of the kitchen after him, but the fridge catches his eye again. And the crayon drawing. With two steps Lewis pulls the thing from the fridge door, screwing it in his hands and tossing it in the bin. _We’re moving forwards, not backwards._ Lewis thinks, nodding to himself as he leaves the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tila's lion's name is in Spanish. You might like to translate it ^_^
> 
> #ForzaJules


	17. Soon, Ferri. Very Soon. I Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You keep reaching back…  
> Now might be the time to start looking forwards...

Tila stretches on her toes as she tries to reach the lock on the front door. Her little arms are miles too short but Lorena is in no state to be answering the door. The knocker knocks again as she exasperates, dropping her heels back to the ground. She stares at the door for a little while, trying to work out how she is going to do this. She looks around as the knocker knocks again, a little more insistently. Tila ignores them as she moves through to the kitchen.

It’s not quiet as she drags the chair through to the hall, it’s wooden legs screeching horribly on the tiled floor. If Lorena had the energy to go and find out what she was doing maybe she would get up. But she can’t find it in herself to care. She snuggles further under the blanket Tila threw over her, her eyes glued to the television as tears rolled down her cheeks.

Satisfied with her plan, Tila climbs herself up onto the chair she has placed against the wall next to the door, now being able to reach the lock on the door. As she reaches for the golden knob the knocker knocks, making a continuous pounding on the door. Tila exasperates angrily, hopping back to the floor as she realises she hasn’t put the chair close enough. With her tongue protruding her lips, Tila lent forwards on her tiptoes, finally managing to turn the golden lock. She pulls back on the door, letting it swing wide open. The man outside has about two seconds before-

“-UNCLE MARK!” Tila screams excitedly, throwing herself into Mark’s arms. Mark catches her as she giggles into his hold, wrapping her into a tight embrace. Tila’s arms come around Mark’s neck as he rests her on his hip.

“What are you doing answering the door, hey?” Mark asks, somehow managing to hide the fear in his voice through a soft smile. Tila has no idea how anxious Mark is. Six hours. It’s taken him six hours to get here. He just needs to hold Fernando now. Just needs to hold Fernando and everything will be fine.

“Mama is sad…” Tila sighs, curling closer to Mark. Mark moves into the house, placing his bag on top of the chair as he closes the door. Why would Lorena be sad? Mark has a very bad feeling.

“Where is your Mama, Tila?” Mark asks softly, putting the young girl on the floor. Or trying to. Tila holds tightly onto Mark, wrapping her legs around his body so he can’t put her down. That worries the Australian more.

“Am sad…” Tila whispers as Mark straightens up with her still in his hold. Mark wants to ask why but he can’t seem to make himself. Instead he walks Tila down the hallways, looking for Lorena. He is most shocked when he finds her curled on the sofa watching Fernando and his wedding video buried so she is practically invisible in a blanket. So many questions swirl in his head. Why is Lorena watching that? Why is she crying? Why does she look like she’s about to fall apart? Where the fuck is Fernando?

He decides to focus on that last one because he’s scared he’s got a pretty good idea.

“Lorena?” Mark tries gently, moving into the room. Tila holds Mark’s shoulder tightly, watching the two adults carefully. “Lorena, where-?”

“-Gone…” Lorena gasps, eyes not leaving the screen. Mark watches as Fernando lets Lorena tie his tie whilst chatting to someone off screen. He can’t help but feel the heavy hit to his stomach as the camera turns to show his own face. Mark is glad Lorena has the sound turned down as he sees himself hit in the side of the face with a suit bag. The screen cuts and Fernando and Lorena come back on screen. A tender moment between a brother and sister. A moment neither of them knew Mark had captured until they all sat down to watch the footage together.

“Gone?” Mark asks, his voice breaking on the small word. Tila curls closer to him.

“With…” Lorena closes her eyes again, more tears spilling down her face. Mark knows the answer without hearing it. _Lewis._

“Fine.” Mark nods, putting Tila quickly on the floor. Tila grabs his hand.

“Where going, Uncle Mark?”

“To find Uncle Nado.” Mark says, removing his hand from hers.

“What?” Lorena asks, sitting up and pausing the television. Mark rolls his eyes.

“Lorena, I’ve already had three people try to stop me from seeing him. Don’t make yourself a forth.”

“Mark, listen-”

“He’s still my husband, Lorena!” Mark grits, annoyed that someone is _again_ trying to stop him, “And he wants to see me. He wants me here. I’m not just going to sit around and let Lewis force him to do-”

“-Mark, he went with Lewis.” Lorena stresses, more sadness in her eyes. Mark frowns at her.

“No, he was waiting for me. I told him to wait for me.” Mark tries. Lorena shakes her head.

“No one forces him to do anything…” She mutters sadly, falling back into the sofa. Mark sits next to her, trying to process the information. “He went…”

“Took my picture, Uncle Mark.” Tila smiles, crawling onto Mark’s lap. Mark barely realises he holds her still, his eyes locked on the television screen as he tries to understand what Lorena has said to him. “Was protecting the Queen and the Princess from the evil dragon. Says you will help him…” The yawn pulled from Tila’s body has Mark securing her against his body, relaxing back into the chair. Just like they have too many times before.

“Did he explain that he can’t remember anything?” Mark asks softly once Lorena has set the wedding video in motion again; Tila sleeping gently on his chest. Lorena nods twice.

“Did not believe it until we actually start talking. Is like he is so young. Does not understand. Only wants to believe he loves you… Is really just like ten years ago.”

“Huh?” Mark frowns, turning to face Lorena.

“Ten years ago, Mark. Would not stop talking about you to me. Was a joke I made one day that he might like you… Then he splits up with Raquel.”

“I didn’t know that.” Mark blinks slowly, taking it in.

“He really loves you.”

“Lov _ed_.” Mark corrects. Lorena shakes her head.

“Cannot turn these feelings off, Mark. Is Lewis fuelling the fire, not him. Think he realises that he does not want to loose you… Cannot loose you. He says this to me.”

“When?”

“Just before he flew off to Brazil. Left me a voice message… Wish I had responded to it now…”

“It’s all in the past, Lorena. He was angry when he said those things. He’d been through a lot and then it looked like you were against him. He needed your support-”

“-He needed to see reason. Was being stupid.” Lorena corrects. Mark moves closer to her, wrapping the blanket around the three of them as he takes Lorena’s hand.

“Lewis will make sure Fernando doesn’t think he needs me back…” Mark mutters softly. “Which is why I want to see him.”

“But he chooses to go with Lewis.” Lorena sighs sadly. Mark nods, watching himself help Fernando out of their wedding car as they arrive at the registry office on the screen.

“I know…” Mark mutters, tucking the blanket more securely around Tila. He lets his head fall back. “That’s why I’m worried.”

Maybe everything was about to start returning to what it was. Maybe that wonderful period of having Fernando back is about to end. Because if Fernando remembers, however much he loves Mark, the game is over. And Lewis will have won.

\- - - -

“Fernando, you need to stop disappearing.” Lewis mutters in an annoyed manner as he sets the drinks and snacks on the table. When Lewis told Fernando about the ‘meeting’ that was supposed to be happening the Spaniard feigned knowing all about it. Lewis seems persistent that nothing is wrong with Fernando and every time he gives Lewis a blank look or a frown of confusion Lewis dives into a “how Mark has fucked you up” speech. He is always trying to convince Fernando of how bad Mark is, of the shit things he has done in the past. Fernando doesn’t know which ones to believe anymore. Some of them seem so far fetched it’s laughable. Some of them are just plain stupid. But there have been a couple that Fernando isn’t sure about. They could have plausibly happened. That thought scares Fernando.

For all intents and purposes Fernando can remember everything still. He doesn’t want Lewis telling him about what has happened. So Fernando remembers why he left Mark (not), Fernando remembers that there was a meeting planned for him today (no way), and Fernando remembers exactly what this “party” he is apparently spearheading the plans for is about (not a fucking chance).

_“It’s a good thing you managed to get out of there and get yourself home.” Lewis says as he tips a bag of Doritos into a bowl. Fernando is sitting at the breakfast bar, frowning at the fridge._

_“Uh huh…”_

_“I was thinking I was going to have to rearrange to have the meeting in England.” Lewis laughs, still not aware of the troubled look in Fernando’s expression._

_“Sure…”_

_“This is going to be great. I can feel it.” Lewis smiles wider, grabbing another big bag of crisps and filling a bowl. Fernando gets to his feet, moving to the fridge._

_“Yes…” He says with no conviction, running his hand down the smooth surface of the fridge door. Nothing. There is nothing pinned to it. Fernando knows that is where he put Tila’s picture. The fridge is suddenly pulled open._

_“Don’t just stand staring at it, Nibby.” Lewis giggles, pressing two bottle of beer into Fernando’s hand. Fernando can see there are many more. “Set these up on the table.”_

_“Lewis-”_

_“-Should we order the pizzas around six? What do you think? That will give us a couple of hours.” Lewis says, focusing on arranging some dips. Fernando puts the two beers on the table, frowning at the Brit._

_“Lewis, where is Tila’s picture?” Fernando asks, closing the fridge door and pointing to the bare space. Lewis frowns at him._

_“Picture?”_

_“Tila draws me a picture. I put it here.”_

_“No, that’s not true… Are you feeling OK?” Lewis asks, voice full of complete concern. Fernando looks at him like he is crazy._

_“I put Tila’s picture on the fridge.” Fernando insists. Lewis presses his hand to Fernando’s forehead._

_“Ferri, we haven’t had anything on the fridge for ages.”_

_“No but I put this there earlier! I bring it home with me! I remember it!”_

_“Fernando, you didn’t have a picture when we got home…” Lewis says slowly, looking extremely concerned. Fernando frowns at that._

_“I… I did…” He is so sure. He had that picture right? He put it on the fridge. He can see it in his head. He_ knows _that he had a picture._

_“If you had have put it on there it would still be there.” Lewis points out. Fernando frowns at the fridge again._

_“Maybe it falls off…” Fernando stammers, but that doesn’t feel right. Lewis holds Fernando’s shoulders, making him hold eye contact._

_“Fernando, there was never a picture. You came in, got a beer, and sat outside for an hour. Then you had a little sleep. Now we’re setting up.” Lewis presses, as if he is hell bent that Fernando believes that information. But Fernando doesn’t like any of it; he knows he had a picture._

_And he knows he doesn’t drink beer._

_“Lewis there is a picture I promise.” Fernando pushes out of Lewis’ hold, aiming for the fridge. When Fernando starts to try and move it Lewis pulls him away._

_“There has not been a picture, Fernando.” Lewis barks, forcing Fernando to sit back in the lounge. Fernando really doesn’t understand._

_“Tila gives it to me!”_

_“No she didn’t. She might have shown it to you at Lorena’s. Maybe you put it on Lorena’s fridge.” Fernando considers Lewis’ words. Maybe it is at Lorena’s… “But it’s not here.”_

_“Am sure-”_

_“-Fernando, whatever Mark has given you this time is obviously really strong.” Lewis coos, lying Fernando down. “I’m really scared because it’s fucking with your head, your memory.”_

_“Am fine.”_

_“I want to take you to a doctor, Nibby, that’s all.”_

_“No. Am fine.” Fernando states, trying to get up. Lewis holds him still._

_“Just to make sure there is no drugs left in your system-”_

_“-Am fine, Lewis.” Fernando snaps, trying to sit up._

_“Fine. I believe you, Ferri…” Lewis mutters, bringing his face close to Fernando and nuzzling at his cheek. Fernando wants to pull away but he stays very still. Lewis kisses his cheek. “I love you.” Lewis smiles before closing the gap between their lips, curling his fingers into Fernando’s hair. Fernando panics. This is not Mark. Why is he kissing this random man? No! He wants it to stop. He wants Mark. He doesn’t want this. He needs out. He tries pushing Lewis off but his fingers curl into the Brit’s shirt and his arms stop cooperating. He is not pushing him back! He needs to push him back off him! Fernando can only think about Mark. How this is not Mark. How he is kissing some other person who is not Mark. “I’ve missed you. Promise you’ll never leave me again.” Lewis sighs, kissing Fernando’s nose. Fernando has lost the ability to form words. “You’re so cute…. Urgh, I just want this to be over so we can spend forever together.” Lewis moans, getting to his feet. He lets his fingers slide slowly off of Fernando’s face. “Soon, Ferri. Very soon. I promise.”_

That’s why Fernando is hiding from Lewis. He doesn’t want the Brit doing that again.

“Fernando, where have you-?” Lewis stops dead in his tracks as he rounds into the front room. His eyes settle on Fernando and he simply doesn’t understand. What the hell is going on? Fernando doesn’t even look up at him; he just continues to flick through the photo album resting gently on his lap. The photo album of Mark and his wedding.

Lewis was sure he had hidden that in a place Fernando would never find it again.

“What are you doing with that?” Lewis asks nervously, crouching gingerly in front of the Spaniard. Fernando, again, doesn’t respond. He runs his finger softly over the image of Mark and him, standing out in the setting sun apparently talking to each other. It’s a candid shot, Fernando is sure he wasn’t aware it was being taken at the time. But his expression glows with his love for Mark, it’s really beautiful. “Fernando-”

“-Found it.” The Spaniard bites, snapping the book shut and holding it close to his chest. Lewis eyes him wearily.

“Where?”

“Does not matter…” Fernando mutters, getting to his feet. Lewis rises with him.

“Where are you going with that?”

“Putting it away safe.” Fernando says, moving up the stairs towards his bedroom. Lewis is three steps behind him.

“Ferri, we’ve talked about this before-”

“-Do not care.” Fernando feels protective over the album. He wants it close so he doesn’t get sapped into Lewis’ lies. He can see he loves Mark. It’s as clear as day in this photos. He just needs a way of showing the Australian that’s true again. Walking into the bedroom Fernando opens his bedside drawer, placing the cream album in it. Lewis folds his arms by the door.

“Why do you want that in here?” Lewis asks with much distain.

“So I know where it is.”

“Fernando, please tell me what he’s done to you.” Lewis pleads, taking hold of Fernando’s arms tightly.

“Has done nothing to me.”

“I feel like you don’t trust me. What’s he said? What has he told you?”

“Nothing.”

“Don’t _lie_ , Fernando!” Lewis rages, his fingers biting into Fernando’s flesh. Fernando tries to shuffle out of his hold but it’s to no avail.

“Am not…”

“You are! Something is not right with you and I’ll be damned if you don’t tell me!” Lewis’ rage is interrupted by three knocks on the door. He glares at Fernando for an extra three seconds, waiting, before he relents. Fernando stays standing in the bedroom doorway as he hears Lewis moving around downstairs, greeting voices he doesn’t recognise. Something is definitely not right and Fernando really wishes he understood. He considers calling Mark, but by time the device is in his hand someone is beckoning him down stairs. _Will call later._ Fernando nods, pushing the phone back into his pocket. _For now everything is fine…_

“Good to see you back on your feet.” Someone smiles at Fernando as he gets to the bottom of the stairs, shaking his hand. Fernando raises a smile, nodding, as the man moves passed him. Another two men follow the first through before someone Fernando recognises appears.

“How are you doing?” Jenson asks, looking deep into Fernando’s eyes. The Spaniard just shrugs, smiling lightly.

“I told you we should have got an earlier plane.” Nico mutters as he enters the house. He smiles broadly at Fernando as he takes the Spaniard’s hand.

“We got held up.” Jenson adds in a slightly darker tone that has Fernando frowning at him. It doesn’t sit well with the Spaniard. “Besides, we’re not late, are we?”

“No, guess not.” Nico smiles, allowing the Brit’s arm to fall lightly around his waist. No one knows how fake Nico’s sincerity towards Jenson is. Well, no one but Jenson.

“Hey, Fernando.” Another tall blonde smiles, taking the Spaniard’s hand. Fernando just returns the expression lightly. “How’s your head?”

“My head?” Fernando frowns. The blonde nods.

“Yeah, Mark said that you were kept in over night because you had some amnesia?” Fernando instantly felt gratitude towards the blonde. Maybe he could be honest with him.

“Yeah, well, that’s just Mark making up shit again, isn’t it.” Lewis inserts, wrapping his arm gently around Fernando’s waist. Fernando drops his head. _Maybe not…_

“Well, as long as you’re good now?” The blonde pushes. Fernando smiles weakly, nodding.

“All good.”

“Now we’re back together.” Lewis adds, nuzzling at Fernando’s cheek before pressing a light kiss there.

“No displays of affection allowed!” One of the other men calls from the kitchen, beer already in hand. This is followed by a snicker of laughter and Lewis kissing Fernando deeply. Something the Spaniard is not all that comfortable with.

“For sure, only makes them worse!” The shorter man (the first one to walk in) teases.

“Is it that time already?” Fernando’s head snaps round so fast as he hears the Australian accent. But it’s not Mark. Of course it’s not Mark. The man with the radiant smile walks in with another man in tow, their fingers connected in a relaxed manner. “We brought this.”

“Cool, just go and put them through with the others.” Lewis beams, closing the door behind the pair. Fernando watches them move through to the others, curiosity keeping his eyes locked on their interlinked fingers. “We’re not finished, Fernando.” Lewis mutters, standing in front of the Spaniard. Fernando frowns at him. “I still want to know exactly what Mark said and did to you and you are going to tell me.” Sliding his arm around Fernando's waist again Lewis puts the smile back on his face, leading him through to the group. Lewis keeps Fernando close as they stand by the cooker, talking with the first few people who came into the house. Well, Lewis is talking to them. Fernando is just trying to work out what the fuck is going on. He needs to act like nothing is different but that becomes increasingly hard when he can’t place any names to the seven new people surrounding him. He blinks blankly; trying to follow the conversation the short man is having with Lewis about next year.

He’s not following. All he picks up is that the short man was, at some point, his teammate at Ferrari.

“Right, before you ladies get going into the weekly gossip update,” Jenson teases, clapping his hands together to gain everyone’s attention. A hint of laughter quieten downs the group. “Let’s get started on this planning. We’ve got just under a week before this thing is happening. What’s our progress?”

“Jev and I have got the private booth booked out in the night club.” The tall Australian says. Fernando looks round, wondering which one might be ‘Jev’. “We’re just waiting for a call back from the hotel about the function room.”

“So that’s location.” Jenson nods, smiling. “Nico and I have the food started.”

“Booze is good.” A clearly Frenchman says from leaning against the table, sipping on a beer. “Although Kimi says he is only coming if Sebastian can come.” There is a moment where an awkwardness threatens to settle on the room as everyone slowly turns their gaze to Fernando. Fernando freezes. Is he supposed to want that or not?

“Ok, well we can talk about that later.” Jenson nods, breaking away from the apparent elephant in the room.

“On the theme of guest list have a finalized draft.” The small (Fernando thinks Brazilian maybe) man says, placing a piece of paper on the table. Fernando shoots forwards, picking it up. Luckily no one seems too surprised by his actions.

“Is now really a question of entertainment?” Another brunette man asks. Fernando is distracted by the list. There is no Mark. Why would Mark not be allowed to their party?

“Nico, got anything on that?” The Australian asks. Fernando looks up, eyes scanning the room to find out who will answer. The blonde who was talking to him about amnesia clears his throat.

“Lewis had a few ideas.” Nico says, redirecting the question across the room. Lewis nods.

“Let’s take this somewhere more comfortable, then we can get planning.” The Brit grabs a notepad off the table as he leads the group through to the lounge, still keeping a tight hold on Fernando. He sits Fernando in one of the seats, placing the notepad in his lap as he goes to get some food and drink from the kitchen. Fernando flicks open the cover, looking down at the front page as people filter in around him.

_DRIVERS END OF SEASON PARTY 2013_  
 _Location: Paris, to follow after the FIA gala._  
 _\- Jev and Daniel to arrange_  
 _Jenson and Nico on food_  
 _Romain on booze [good contact with Kimi ;)]_  
 _Felipe on guest list_  
 _Nico and Adrian on entertainment_  
 _Lewis and Fernando on decoration/party command (HQ)_  
(some one has written: _Basically, Fernando and Lewis buy all the_ _sustenance for the meetings ;)_ beside Lewis and his names)

Fernando blinks at the page a couple of times, trying to understand what any of it means. What he does realise is his has a cheat sheet. Everyone’s names are written in front of him. As long as he can allocate everyone with what they are doing he has their names. He’s tempted to grab a pen so he can make notes but he’s sure that would just bring up uneasy questions from Lewis. The blonde he is sure is called Nico sits beside him, passing him a small frown.

“Are you sure you’re Ok?” Nico asks quietly as everyone settles down around them. Fernando bites his lip but nods anyway. “You look like shit. And confused.” Nico points out. Fernando is about to say he is confused when Lewis returns, holding out a beer bottle to him. Fernando internally wrinkles his nose.

“No thank you.” Fernando smiles politely. Lewis frowns at him.

“But it’s your favourite?” That, in tern, confuses Fernando more. But to save on the questions and the need to explain he takes the bottle from Lewis, nodding his thanks. The Brit then squeezes between Nico and Fernando, wrapping his arm tightly around the Spaniard’s shoulders.

The rest of the meeting breezes passed easily. Fernando manages to place names to faces as he slowly settles into what’s being spoken about. He has a couple of sticky moments where things are asked of him, preparations are checked passed him, but Fernando passes the comments over to Lewis or simply nods his agreement. No one seems suspicious of him not actually having a clue what is going on.

All apart from Nico Hulkenberg, who notes that Fernando hasn’t touched his beer when normally he would be on his fifth by now.

A few frowns are sent his way when he shrugs at the idea of Sebastian coming along to the party. He doesn’t really understand what the problem would be with that. It must be because Sebastian beat him again this year for the championship. Hadn’t Mark explained something like that? Maybe they were worried Fernando would lay into him. Fernando assures that won’t happen and he is added to the list, albeit with a few raised eyebrows. He refrains from asking for Mark to be added to the list because he is sure that will not go down too well.

Once the meeting is finished, Nico Hulkenberg collects up the empty bottles, per usual, as Lewis calls up the pizza place. The German still is concerned about Fernando. He just seems… Different. Distant? Nico can’t really put his finger on it. But he knows something isn’t right. Maybe Lewis and Fernando had a fight before they got here. But hadn’t Jenson said Fernando had spent the last week at Mark’s? Nico completely doesn’t understand. He frowns deeply as he opens the bin to get rid of the bottles.

He fights with the bin, already overflowing with rubbish from the snacks that scatter through the house. He swears as some of the rubbish spills out the top and springs onto the floor. With a deep sigh he focuses on disposing of the bottles and cans before he attends to the shit on the floor. Nico stoops, collecting the crisp packets together and stuffing the screwed up ball of paper inside one of them to try and save more space. The thing rolls onto the floor as he gets up, hiding under the table. Rolling his eyes and with the comment about Lewis really needing to work out how to empty the bin, Nico gets rid of the crisp packets before stooping to pick up the ball of paper. Curiosity has his thumb catching under one of the edges, smoothening out the creases against the work surface.

If Nico wasn’t sure if something was up with Fernando, he could be definitely certain of it now.

Laughter echoes out of the room as Nico approaches, wringing his hands together. His eyes fall automatically on Fernando who is frowning at the stories of last season. Jenson is animatedly describing the time he scared the shit out of Lewis, something Fernando should definitely remember, but to Nico the Spaniard looks lost.

“Sorry, Fernando?” Nico calls, stopping Jenson mid flow. Fernando looks up at him. “Can I borrow you a second?”

“Sure.” Fernando nods, smiling lightly. He moves to get up but Lewis pulls him round, stealing his lips and pushing his fingers deep into the Spaniard’s hair. Wolf whistles, cheers and calls of ‘get a room’ descend into laughter as Lewis releases Fernando.

“Hurry back, Ferri.” Lewis beams as Fernando hastes to his feet. Nico see it, even if Fernando hides it again quickly. Nico sees the distain. Something is not right.

“How can I-?” Fernando doesn’t finish the question as his eyes fall on Tila’s drawing sitting on the work surface. He rushes over to it, frowning as he tries desperately to smooth down the creases. It’s not working. Fernando doesn’t understand.

“Fernando?” Nico tries tentatively as Fernando tries to force the paper to return to its once smooth form. It’s no use. Smacking his palm heavily on the surface, and making Nico jump, Fernando hangs his head. “I, errh… I found it in the bin…”

“The bin?” Fernando gasps, whipping round to look at Nico with tears in his eyes. Nico nods sadly.

“It’s Tila’s isn’t it?” Nico mutters sadly. Fernando sniffs, turning back to the picture. His fingers dance over Mark and his hands drawn tightly together. A crease breaks through it as though it is trying to pull them apart. “Why did you put it in the bin-?”

“-Did not.” Fernando snaps, glaring at Nico. Nico frowns. “Would not do that…”

“Ok, Fernando, just-”

“-Why does Lewis do this?” Fernando demands, tears spilling over onto his cheeks. His question has Nico more confused.

“Why are you asking that?”

“Because I want an answer!”

“Alright, calm down.” Nico chastens, closing the kitchen door. “Don’t make a scene.” When he turns back to Fernando the Spaniard is sat on the floor. He moves quickly to Fernando’s side, not sure of what to do.

“Why does he ruin her picture? Why? What harm does it do? Why can I not keep this? Am scared… Do not understand! Why does he not want me near Lorena? Why does Lorena hate me? Or did hate me? What the hell did I do?” Fernando sobs quietly. Rapidly Nico begins to feel like he’s in this too deep.

“Fernando, what’s going on?” Nico tries. Fernando knows all the answers to those questions. Nico is sure of it… Fernando messily dries his eyes.

“Do not remember anything…” The Spaniard sighs. Nico continues to frown.

“What?”

“Mark tells you I have amnesia, yes?” Fernando says, no longer caring. Nico nods slowly.

“The teams were notified you were staying under observation over night, yeah. I text Mark to find out what was going on.”

“Still have amnesia.” Fernando breathes, accepting the tissue Nico places in his hands.

“Still? Shit… How much can you not remember?”

“Ten years…” Fernando admits, watching Nico closely. Nico looks at him blankly.

“I think you might need to explain.”

\- -

Fernando and Nico Hulkenberg sit together when the pizza arrives. Lewis isn’t sure he likes the way Nico seems to be keeping an eye on Fernando. He doesn’t like that neither of them will tell him what happened in the kitchen either. Ever since Fernando returned he’s been staying very far away from the Brit. It makes Lewis feel uncomfortable. Lewis starts to hate Nico.

Slowly and methodically chewing on his slice of pizza Fernando feels relieved that someone else in this room understands he has no idea what’s going on. Understands that he doesn’t want Lewis sticking his tongue down his throat every three seconds. Nico couldn’t quite believe it when Fernando explained the extent of his issue and the reasons behind pretending everything is Ok but he accepted it. The German understood him. And really, that is all Fernando is after.

There is a lull in the conversation as they all eat the pizza. The only sound the scrap of a cardboard box or the slurp of a drink until all the pizza is gone. Fernando can see Lewis wants to come over and sit with him but Fernando very much doesn’t want that. He is so unbelievably pissed off at Lewis for ruining Tila’s picture he can barely stand to look at the Brit. Mark wouldn’t have done that. Even if he hated the picture or what it meant Mark would have left it on the fridge. That is something Fernando is pretty sure of.

“So…” Romain stretches, his hands falling back softly on his navel as he places the empty box on the floor. “Think is time I head off.”

“Send our love to Marion.” Jenson yawns, his hand rubbing soothing circles on Nico Rosberg’s stomach.

“Will see you out.” Felipe nods, getting to his feet.

“Will be off too.” Adrian says, gifting them all with a small wave. Calls of bye follow the three men out into the hall. Daniel turns to Lewis.

“So how are your big plans going then?” The Australian asks as a food-sated Jean-Eric snoozes gently in his lap.

“Not too bad. I don’t think there is much left to sort now.” Lewis smiles gently, his eyes falling on Fernando. Fernando is too busy watching his toes wiggle to notice Lewis’ smile or Nico’s tense stance beside him.

“Just the matter of signing a certain document, huh?” Jenson adds slightly sourly. Nico Rosberg shuffles closer to him, resting his head on Jenson’s shoulder.

“What?” Daniel frowns. Lewis rolls his eyes.

“We’re still waiting for someone to sign some divorce papers.” Lewis mutters, his eyes locked on Fernando.

“He’s still not signed?”

“Nope.”

“But I thought-?”

“-I hope the weather stays like this tomorrow. That would be nice.” Nico Hulkenberg interrupts, getting Lewis, Daniel, Jenson and Fernando frowning at him.

“What?” Jenson asks. Nico shakes his head.

“Hopefully you’ll have nice weather like this for your wedding, eh, Lewis?” Daniel smiles. Nico winces as Fernando sits bolt upright, a sudden panic in his eyes.

“What!” The Spaniard demands. Daniel frowns at him.

“You’re getting married out here, right?” Daniel confirms. Fernando can feel himself shaking his head, his mouth dropping open. _No, no, no, no…_

“Hopefully.” Lewis nods. “It really depends on how long this all takes to get sorted out with Mark. We wanted to be married by Christmas but I’m not sure anymore.”

“Am…” Fernando breathes, unable to comprehend what’s happening. He feels like he’s falling.

And then he really is.

“FERNANDO!”

\- - - - - -

Mark rubs his eyes. He knows he should probably leave now. He’s been here so long there is no longer any light outside. But being surrounded by Fernando’s family again, it makes him feel accepted. Lorena always preferred him to Lewis. That has always been a nice comfort, especially over these past few months. He looks over at Lorena, sleeping lightly with Tila wrapped close in her embrace. He should leave, shouldn’t he? He should let them go back to how things were. Stretching, Mark gets to his feet, collecting up the pizza boxes and moving to get rid of them.

Going home is not an option. He refuses to do that without Fernando. Leanne is more than happy to stay at his for as long as he needs her too. She’ll explain everything to Ann. Mark can envisage the argument but he knows Leanne will come out on top. In some respects Mark thinks Leanne believes more than anyone that Fernando and he will get back together. Though maybe that is because she hasn’t been worn down for the past four months with Lewis dangling Fernando in front of his face. _Look what you threw away…_

He decides he should check into a motel or something; make an action plan from there. He doesn’t really want to impose himself on Lorena too much. He’s already done enough damage to her family. Before he heads back into the front room he takes the empty pizza boxes outside into the rubbish. Returning to the kitchen he clears up the plates and glasses so there is nothing left for Lorena to do. Yawning once more, he moves towards the table where Tila’s drawings are scattered. He slides the picture she drew before dinner towards him, looking at the crayon versions of Fernando and he surrounded by a heart, sharing a kiss. It’s a beautifully innocent child’s drawing and Mark can’t help but want things back how they were. How could he have been so stupid? It’s a question he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to answer.

Returning to the front room with Tila and Lorena, Mark stoops by the television to remove his wedding video. But he’s struck by the point of which the DVD has been paused. He knows exactly what point of the day it is. He remembers only witnessing this when the DVD had been put together. It had always been Fernando’s intention.

_“Wait…” Mark frowns at the television, sitting forwards. Fernando beams from beside him, wrapping himself around Mark’s back. “I didn’t do this…”_

_“No.” Fernando agrees, kissing softly at Mark’s neck as he watches himself settle in front of the camera. Mark turns to frown at him._

_“When did you have the camera?”_

_“Keep watching…” Fernando whispers, resting his chin on Mark’s shoulder and linking their fingers together._

Mark moves until his back is resting against the bottom of the sofa before he presses play and the frozen image of Fernando starts to move. Fernando checks over his shoulder before smiling sweetly down the lens. A shiver runs down Mark’s spine; it’s almost as if Fernando is in the room with him, actually looking at him.

“Hello.” Fernando voice sounds through the room. Mark hugs his knees close, already feeling the tears building. “You do not know am doing this. Cannot wait to see you face when we watch this together. Will probably have that cute little crease in between your eyebrows that happens when you do not understand something.” Fernando grins soppily. “Will not keep you long. Right now you think am just freshening up. Is why am not speaking very loud… Will be worth it.” Fernando nods, his soft expression pulling Mark in just as it always did.

“I love you, Mr Mark Webber-Alonso. Ahh, you do not know how long have wanted to call you that.” Fernando smiles, his gaze melting Mark’s heart again. “You have no idea the thoughts I have, the plans I have for us. If you did then maybe you think am crazy. But am not. I know us. We are the ‘real deal’, as you would say.” Fernando giggles. Mark can’t help but beam at him as the tears roll down his face. “We have plenty of time in our future to decide who is more crazy.”

“Cannot wait for our future, Mark. Have so many plans. Is so much we will do. You will win a World Championship, our children will admire you so much. They will anyway, without this championship but are too good not to get one… I admire you so much. Because you are so strong and calm and amazing. You make me ten times the person I could ever make myself. I owe so much to you that you do not even know about. I plan on reminding you every day of how much I love you, every day repaying you for all the debts I can never clear. You own my heart, Mark. Belongs to you now.”

“Did not understand why you carry this around with you all day today.” Fernando continues, pointing to the camera. Mark can see the tears resting in the Spaniard’s eyes on the screen. More dampen his face and he doesn’t even try to stop them. “But I understand now, Mark. You want the best day of our lives so far on record. You want to be able to show our children and our children’s children and our children’s children’s children how much we love each other, how pure and real our love is. And I want to as well. Is our future, Mark. And this day is such an important part of our past.” Fernando looks over his shoulder again, smiling.

“Are calling me. This you wants to begin the rest of our lives together now. Cannot tell you how excited I am. Cannot explain how much I want to see you with children in a park or building a kart for our baby. You are my future, Mark, and I love you so dearly it would never be any other way. Will see you very soon, mi amor. Te amo, mi marido y esperamos con interés pasar el resto de la mi eternidad con usted.”

_“You…?”_

_“Are crying.” Fernando smiles gently, his own face damp with tears. Mark tries to sniff them away but they are not going anywhere. He pulls Fernando onto his lap, kissing him deeply._

_“You’re too amazing, Nano. I seriously don’t deserve such a wonderful man.”_

_“Do not deserve any less.” Fernando cups Mark’s cheek, rubbing his thumb under his eye. “You make me the man am today. You make me the man you adore.”_

_“It’s a two way street, thought, Fernando. You’ve made me such a better person I can’t even begin to describe it.” Mark kisses gently at Fernando’s jaw, sliding lower onto his neck._

_“Are perfect for each other, Mark. Never forget this.”_

_“Never… You didn’t have to do that for me, mate.” Mark nuzzles at Fernando’s face, lying him down and undoing his shirt buttons._

_“You give me the whole day on record. Want to make sure you have a gift from me on there too.”_

_“I love you so much, Fernando, sometimes I think I’m going to explode.” Mark mutters, stealing Fernando’s lips as he lies on top of him, pushing the material off his shoulders. Fernando grips tightly into his hair._

_“Would never let you… Need you too much…” Fernando breathes, keeping Mark close._

_“Te amo, mi marido…” Mark whispers directly into Fernando’s ear, loving the small moan it pulls from the Spaniard._

_“Te amo demasiado... Así tanto...”_

“Uncle Mark?” Mark lifts his head, trying to not look as broken as he feels, but he does. He can’t help it. He’s let the best thing that ever happened to him slip through his fingers. Tila pulls Mark’s arms apart, sitting in his lap and wrapping her arms around him tightly. Mark kisses the top of her head as he lets himself fall, crying softly into her hair. “Do not be sad…”

“I’ll try, sweetie…” Mark breathes back. “It’s very difficult for me to see Uncle Nado with Lewis…”

“Do not want you to be sad.” Tila pouts, looking up at Mark’s face. Mark catches the first tears as they try and run onto her face.

“No, please don’t cry.”

“But are sad. Do not like it.”

“Sometimes people have to be really sad to realise how badly they have messed up…” Mark mutters.

“Is this why you are sad?”

“Yes. I’ve realised how much I’ve hurt your Uncle Nado. I’ve not been very nice.”

“But have realised now. Can fix it. Then he never has to go with Lewgris again.”

“I really hope so, petal.” Mark nods, trying to dry his eyes.

“Are on your side, Mark.” Lorena’s voice makes Mark turn round to look at her. Her expression is serious. “Want what is best for Nando. This is you.”

“I appreciate that.” Mark says thickly, hugging Tila closer.

“Where are you going?” Lorena asks as Mark gets to his feet.

“A motel or something? I don’t want to impose-”

“-Is not an imposition. Take the spare room and do not be an idiot.” Lorena smiles gently. Mark conveys his thanks in his eyes. “Come on, say night to Uncle Mark.” Lorena directs towards a yawning Tila.

“Do we get to see him tomorrow?”

“Of course. I’m not going anywhere just yet.” Mark crouches and accepts the hug Tila throws around his neck.

“Want you to have this.” Tila smiles pushing the picture into Mark’s hands; the very same picture of Fernando and he kissing in a heart that he looked at earlier. Mark nods, not taking his eyes off it. “Mama says is your favourite.”

“It is, thank you.” Mark nods. “It’s very good.”

Lorena takes Tila up to bed and Mark sits on the sofa, looking at the drawing. With fresh tears in his eyes he plays the last moments of his wedding video. Fernando smiles gently at him.

“Now do the thing.” Fernando grins before leaning forwards and cutting off the camera. Mark turns to the empty seat beside him, wishing more than anything he could grab Fernando’s hand like he always did and kiss him so gently it almost made the Spaniard cry. Mark drops his head, his body screaming for Fernando’s warm embrace.

What he would give to be able to do the thing one last time for Fernando…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #ForzaJules


	18. He's Gone One Too Far This Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And then suddenly it feels like everyone knows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #ForzaJules

Mark stumbles momentarily, reaching blindly in the dark as he hears the constant vibration of his phone ringing. It’s late. Very late. That’s something Mark is too aware of. So whoever is calling must need something desperately. No sooner has it stop ringing it starts again. Someone is persistent to get hold of him. Still half asleep Mark doesn’t even bother with the caller ID, pressing the device to his ear and trying to stop his eyes from falling back asleep.

“Hello?” Mark mutters groggily, his voice rough from sleep.

“Mark?”

“What’s wrong?” Mark is sat upright in the blink of an eye, fully awake. The wrecked nature of the caller’s voice demands his attention. And he’ll always give him his full attention. “Fernando, you need to tell me what’s happening.”

“I… Where are you…?” Fernando gasps for breath. He’s crying uncontrollably. Mark would do anything to be where he is right now.

“What’s the matter? Nano, please just tell me what’s going on.” Mark begs, flicking on the bedside lamp. He’s been asleep for about three hours but somehow that doesn’t matter anymore.

“Where are you?” Fernando sobs. The lump in Mark’s throat grows bigger.

“At Lorena’s… I told you I was coming, Nano…” Mark admits sadly. The sound of sobbing falls away from the phone. It is heart breaking for Mark because he just wants to comfort Fernando, hold him tightly. But he can’t. “Fernando, please…” Mark drops his head, pushing the device closer to his ear. Still he hears Fernando wail. “Nano, please, you’re killing me, mate…”

“Want… Want you… H-h-here…” Fernando gasps.

“Mate, tell me what’s happened. What’s Lewis done?”

“M-mar-rk-k…” Fernando whines.

“What’s happening?”

“Do not… Not w-want to b-be here… Mark, please…”

“Calm down, mate. Go and get a glass of water and take some deep breaths-”

“-TOLD YOU TO GO AWAY!” Fernando yells to whom Mark can only assume is Lewis. Mark waits patiently. “Do not want your help! Fuck off!”

“Fernando?”

“Mark, come home.” Fernando pleas. Mark shakes his head. He needs to know what’s happening.

“Nano, take some deep breaths and calm down for me, yes?”

“Are you on y-your way?” Fernando sniffs.

“I need to know what’s going on, mate.”

“Why can you not just c-come and help-p me…?” Mark opens his mouth to speak. “Fuck off, Lewis, I do what I want!”

“Fernando put Lewis on this phone.” Mark asks gently.

“What!”

“I need to speak to him.”

“Why?” Fernando demands. Mark can hear the fresh tears in his voice.

“I need someone to tell me what’s going on. And you’re not telling me.” There is silence down the phone for a moment. Mark waits patiently, wondering what Fernando will decide to do. He gets his answer in the worst possible way.

“Ferri, listen-” Lewis starts. Mark wrinkles his nose at the stupid fucking name.

“-Wants to talk to you.” Fernando interrupts.

“What?”

“Wants to talk to you.”

“Fuck off.”

“Fine.”

“No! Nibby, wait-!” Mark rolls his eyes at the second name. They sound fucking ridiculous.

“-Talk to Mark or fuck off.” Fernando spits.

“What do you want, Mark?” Lewis growls, his voice louder as he presses the phone to his ear.

“I want to know why the fuck Fernando’s calling me in a state at quarter to four.”

“You’re going to have to ask him that one.” Lewis bites. Mark rolls his eyes.

“Either someone tells me what the fuck is going on or I’m on my way over there.” There is a moment of silence. Then Lewis exasperates.

“I don’t even fucking know, man! We were just talking and then he suddenly passed out and now he won’t talk to me!”

“He passed out again?” Mark frowns. There is a moment of silence.

“What do you mean ‘again’?”

“What was said to him?”

“What?”

“Before he passed out. What was said?”

“You think I can remember?”

“You might want to try a little harder than that, mate. I will start heading over there.”

“And we’ll see you in six hours.”

“No, twenty minute.” Mark takes a small amount of pride in saying that.

“What?” Lewis asks, confused.

“I’m at Lorena’s.”

“You’re-?”

“-So how about you try really hard to remember what was said to him.”

“… We were talking about our plans for Christmas.”

“Which are…?”

“Fuck off, like hell I’m going to tell you.”

“Lewis, this is very important-”

“-Why?” Lewis presses. Mark bites his lip.

“He still can’t remember, Lewis.”

“I don’t want your bullshit, Mark.” Lewis growls. There is a small kerfuffle and Mark hears a door slam. He frowns for a moment.

“When are you getting here?” Fernando asks. Mark can hear Lewis’ yells from behind, suggesting that Fernando has, again, trapped Lewis out of the room.

“Fernando, what did he say to you? What made you panic?”

“Do I suffer from panic attacks?” Fernando questions, a sense of accusation in his voice. Mark drops his head.

“I don;t know, mate. You've never had one with me." Mark shrugs. "Can you just tell me what he said to you, please?”

“Will say. Will say to your face but you have to promise to come here.”

“Fernando-”

“-Please, Mark… Need you…” Fernando mutters in such a young voice it breaks any resolve Mark has left.

“Alright… Just stay calm for me, yeah? I’ll be on my way shortly.”

“Love you…” Fernando mutters. Mark can’t help but smile.

“Love you too, mate.”

“Hurry.”

“I’ll be as quick as I can.”

\- - - -

Fernando is fuming. In retaliation to Fernando barricading himself in his room and begging Mark to come over Lewis has barricaded Fernando from the rest of the house. The Spaniard tried to open the door after hanging up from Mark to find it wouldn’t budge. Lewis had trapped him in place.

_“I don’t give a fuck what you want, Fernando.” Lewis snarls from the other side of the door Fernando is pounding on continuously. “If you want him over something is fucking wrong with you.”_

_“Lewis! Let me out!” Fernando yells back, not relenting on attacking the wooden door. Lewis is sitting at the top of the stairs so he is able to see Fernando’s room and the front door._

_“Why can you not see what he’s doing to you? He’s given you something to make you resent me!”_

_“Has not!”_

_“He’s gone one too far this time.” Lewis glares at the front door, resting his chin on his knees._

Fernando had stopped after twenty minutes, deciding there was no longer any point.

He’s so annoyed. He keeps trying to phone Mark but the Australian has stopped answering. He doesn’t really know what to do anymore. It’s been hours since he called Mark. He’s scared that Lewis has sent him away, got to the door first and made sure Mark couldn’t get it. What if Lewis told Mark that they were planning on getting married? Fernando is sure Mark won’t know about that. But if Lewis has told him… Fernando starts to feel worse. What if this is why Fernando wants the divorce? What if 2013 Fernando Alonso has met Lewis and decided that he’s had enough of Mark and wants a change? Is he that shallow? Would it seriously be that easy for Fernando to just walk away? Fernando doesn’t want to think, but that’s the only logical answer he can come up with. Fernando is the one pushing for the divorce; Fernando is the one with the new partner. Has Fernando really just got bored of Mark?

Fernando dives for his bedside drawer, ripping it open and clutching the cream photo album he stored in there yesterday. He falls onto the bed, opening it and flicking through the photos, grabbing at each one like a lifeline. He does love Mark. It’s so clear from the images he stares at. He wishes desperately that he could remember their wedding day. The pictures do nothing to tell him what he was saying, what Mark said to him, how other people were reacting when they weren’t in the frame of the picture. Of all things he can’t remember it hurts most that he can’t remember this: the happiest day of his life. Annoyed, he slams the album shut, getting back to his feet and pacing again.

That’s when his phone buzzes with a text alert.

Lewis is sitting in the kitchen, drinking slowly from a cup of tea as he works through the final arrangement for the driver’s party at the end of the week. He’s got the window wide open as he smokes calmly, keeping a constant check on the door. Mark hasn’t appeared yet, but Lewis knows the Australian well. He doesn’t need much of an excuse to head to Fernando’s and randomly show up. Lewis would know.

He glances up the stairs towards Fernando’s room. The banging and furious screams of Spanish stopped a while ago but Lewis is sure Fernando is still looking for a way out of his room. No way. Mark doesn’t get to see Fernando again. He’s had two fucking weeks. Lewis refuses. He’ll send Mark away when he comes. And Mark will come. Lewis is sure of it.

When three knocks pound lightly against the frosted window on the door Lewis freezes.

He gives himself a moment.

Stubbing out his cigarette.

Finishing his tea.

The three knocks are repeated.

Lewis gets to his feet.

His eyes travel up the stairs.

No sign of Fernando.

Lewis drops the safety chain in place before he opens the door as wide as it will go with the restraint.

The knocker walks into the door, confused when it doesn’t open to its full extent.

“Fuck off, Mark.” Lewis spits, appearing in the small gap. He instantly blushes.

“Mark is in England.” Andrea folds his arms as Stefano rubs his forehead.

“Yeah, that’s what you think.” Lewis grits.

“And what does this mean?” Stefano asks, straightening his glasses.

“What do you want?”

“Fernando.” Andrea states, moving to open the door wider. Lewis keeps the safety chain in place.

“Why?”

“Why?” Stefano repeats as if it’s a joke. Lewis raises an eyebrow at him. “Has a crash. Want to check he is Ok.”

“For next season. Need to know he is good for pre-season.” Andrea adds.

“Well you can blame Mark for fucking him up.” Lewis sighs, closing the door so he can open it fully. Andrea and Stefano walk in.

“We can be the judges of this, no?” Stefano frowns, crossing the threshold. He looks into the kitchen as Andrea closes the door. “Where is he?”

“Upstairs.” Lewis says, already halfway up them. Andrea moves to follow him. “He’ll be down in a second.” Lewis bans Andrea from following any further as he dashes up the stairs.

“Maybe has tied him to the bed?” Stefano shrugs at the confused look Andrea sends him. Andrea shakes his head. That’s definitely not the case.  

Back upstairs, Lewis slowly moves the barricade out of the way.

“Fernando?” He asks quietly. He sends a glace downstairs before moving the chair from below the handle. “Fernando, I need you to come downstairs for a bit.”

“Am allowed out now?” Fernando snarls from the other side of the door. Lewis drops his head.

“I only did this because I love you.” It’s clear Fernando doesn’t want to hear it as soon as the door opens. He flies passed Lewis and bolts down the stairs, unfortunately smacking straight into Andrea and knocking himself and the Italian to the floor.

“Fuck…” Fernando mutters under his breath as he pushes himself back to his feet. He offers Andrea a hand. “Sorry.”

“How are you?” Stefano asks softly, a gentle smile on his face. Fernando shrugs helping Andrea up.

“Ok.”

“Great. He has a hit on the head and we get a Kimi point two.” Andrea jokes, rolling his eyes. Fernando doesn’t get the reference. His frown has the smile wiped off Andrea’s face. “You do not understand that?”

“No.” Fernando turns his back, pulling his bike from the cupboard as Lewis returns from upstairs.

“What are you doing?” Lewis queries, trying to force the bike back in the cupboard. Fernando snaps.

“Fuck you! Am going out! Do not want to be anywhere fucking near you!”

“Ferri, calm down-”

“-Stop fucking calling me that!” Fernando rages, yanking the bike from the cupboard so it tumbles out. Andrea and Stefano exchange a look.

“Still do not remember, do you, Fernando.” Stefano observes calmly. Lewis rolls his eyes.

“Not you too.” He bites, still trying to get Fernando’s bike back in the cupboard.

“Just locks me in a fucking room!” Fernando points at Lewis, talking to the two Italians. “Have been locked in there since four in the morning!”

“Is that true?” Andrea asks, slightly appalled. Lewis glares at Fernando.

“Mark has fucked up his head! He’s doing all kinds of crazy shit!”

“He forgot ten years of his life, Lewis. Evidently has not yet remembered them.” Stefano points out. Lewis shakes his head rapidly.

“No… No, he wouldn’t just forget me like that! This is Mark’s doing!”

“Lewis, were at the hospital.”

“Right, so Mark has fucking drugged you too!”

“Mark has not drugged me!” Fernando barks, pulling his bike free of Lewis’ hold. Stefano catches the Spaniard’s arm as he tries to leave.

“Where are you going?”

“For a bike ride.” Fernando seethes.

“Have still forgotten ten years, Fernando.”

“Have not.”

“When is my birthday?” Andrea asks. Fernando folds his arms.

“22nd of February.” Andrea gapes at him.

“You remember?”

“Yes…” Fernando lies. He had looked it up on the internet just in case this situation arose again.

“When is _my_ birthday?” Stefano asks. Fernando sends him a pained look. “Ok, in the kitchen please.”

“But-”

“-Kitchen.” Stefano orders softly. Fernando drops his bike moodily against the wall. “You to please, Lewis.”

“What the fuck do I have to do with anything?”

“Just go into the kitchen please.” Stefano presses. Lewis strops after Fernando. “Would think they are teenagers.” Stefano says as he passes Andrea. Andrea smirks, following.

“Are they not?”

“Right.” Stefano says, sitting between the two drivers. Lewis reaches for Fernando’s hand but the Spaniard moves it away, folding it across his body. Lewis sends him a pained look. “Will one of you please explain why Fernando was locked in his room?” This is a mistake; both of the drivers start talking at once. “ _One_ of you.” Stefano stresses, rubbing his temples.

“Mark’s fucked up his head! I was trying to keep him safe. He’s not listening to me anymore.” Lewis bites. Fernando scoffs at him.

“Are just trying to keep me away from Mark!”

“Yes!” Lewis agrees.

“See! Admits it!”

“I’m trying to prevent you from making anymore mistakes, man!” Lewis comment confuses Fernando into silence. Stefano observes them both.

“Lewis, have to understand Fernando does not remember things.” Andrea tries.

“Do…” Fernando pouts, glaring at the table. Andrea takes a seat opposite Stefano.

“Only because Mark has fucked him up.” Lewis barks. “He’s very fucking good, don’t you see? He’s got Stefano and you on side like he got Lorena on side! He probably charmed his way with the nurses to get them to keep me away and let him do what the fuck he wanted to him!”

“Wanted him to stay…” Fernando mutters so quietly no one hears him.

“Lewis, he has forgotten ten years of his life-!” Stefano tries but it’s to no avail.

“-Bollocks.”

“You have to believe us-”

“-So what? You want me to let him go with Mark? No. Fucking. Way.”

“We need to all respect what he wants right now, Lewis.” Stefano presses. “He still thinks he is twenty-two.”

“Do not…” Fernando tries a little louder but, again, no one hears him.

“This is the most complete bullshit I have ever heard.” Lewis laughs. Under the table, Andrea clenches his fists.

“Do not believe us then ask him a question.” Stefano says, sitting back in his chair. Fernando grits his teeth; he’s had enough of this game. Lewis smiles softly at him.

“What happened-?”

“-Enough!” Fernando screams, getting to his feet and shocking the three men around him. He doesn’t want to play this game. He doesn’t want to show Lewis and Andrea and Stefano exactly how much he doesn’t remember. And he knows whatever Lewis asks him he won’t know. Breathing hard he glares at them all. “Started racing in 2001! Moved to Renault in 2003! Won the Championship in 2005 _and_ 2006! And now I drive for Ferrari! Married Mark and now am divorcing him! What more do you want! I remember!” Fernando snarls. Andrea and Stefano look at Lewis and see it; see the confusion in his face. There are so many things Fernando hasn’t mentioned. Nothing about 2007 and the terror that that was. Nothing about 2008 or 2009. Nothing about signing the deal with Ferrari in 2010, nearly winning the Championship in 2010 and 2012, both times being beaten to the pipe by Sebastian. But the worst thing for Lewis?

Fernando mentioned nothing about their relationship.

“Ok, Fernando.” Stefano says calmly, placing a hand on Fernando’s shoulder to get him to sit down. Heavily, he does. Andrea is watching Lewis closely, watching the questions fight to burst passed his lips, for him to admit the one thing he doesn’t want to believe: he has been forgotten. “Lewis?”

“Yeah…” Lewis says distractedly.

“We have to respect what Fernando wants.” Stefano pushes, feeling like now there is some understanding his words might make purchase. They do.

“Of course…” Lewis nods, his voice thick as tears swim in his eyes. He knows what that means and every cell in his body is telling him to lock Fernando back in his room. Fernando frowns at him, confused by his sudden defeated posture.

“And what is it you would like, Fernando?” Andrea asks softly. Fernando moves his frown onto the Italian. Why are they all suddenly being so soft with him? He doesn’t like it. Nevertheless:

“I want Lewis to go.” Fernando says bluntly. More confusion hits him as the Brit slides his chair back, moving from the room. Stefano moves after him.

“Ok, Fernando. We can make sure Lewis goes for a while. We can give you some space.” Andrea nods, rubbing Fernando’s back gently. A lead weight has dropped in the Spaniard’s stomach at watching Lewis leave the room like that. He is so defeated Fernando doesn’t understand. It hurts him physically to see Lewis like that.

“O… Ok…” Fernando nods, still frowning at the door.

“Am staying in a hotel very close. If you need something please call me.” Andrea continues, sliding a business card in front of Fernando. He knows Fernando already has his number but with him still having forgotten so much Andrea feels the need to know he physically has it. Fernando looks down at it, running his fingers over the word “Ferrari”.

“Ok…”

“Were you going on a bike ride?” Andrea smiles, loving the normality of Fernando’s actions. Maybe he is coming back to himself. Unfortunately, it’s still his old self. Something in Andrea’s sentence perks Fernando up.

“Yes.” He nods happily. Andrea echoes his action.

“Ok, well we will let you go and make sure Lewis is not here when you get back, yes? Then have four days to yourself before you fly to Paris.”

“Good.” Fernando beams, getting to his feet. Andrea catches his shoulder.

“Can I… Can I urge you to at least see Lewis whilst you are out in Paris?” Andrea says gently. Fernando gives him a small frown.

“Have the driver’s party, no? Will see him there?”

“Perfect.” Andrea beams, thinking that maybe Fernando had remembered that.

Andrea moves into the front room after seeing Fernando out the door. Stefano is desperately trying to console a broken Lewis who can’t stop crying. The Italians exchange a pained look as Andrea crouches in front of the Brit with sad eyes.

“Has gone out on his bike ride.” Andrea explains as Lewis dries his face. The Brit just nods. “Would… Would be really helpful if you could have left before he comes back…”

“So… So I have to give him back to Mark without even saying goodbye?” Lewis gasps, trying to stop the tears that are flowing down his face. Andrea drops his head.

“Has not asked for Mark. Just some space. Have to remember he has forgotten, Lewis. Is very overwhelming for him. Just wants some time on his own.”

“And can you promise that?” Lewis sniffs. “Can you promise he won’t see Mark? Because Mark is here in Spain. Mark will take advantage of the fact he can’t remember.”

“Can only do our best. Will come round and check on him each day, but if Mark is who he wants then we have to allow and accept this.”

“He only wants Mark because he can fucking remember him.” Lewis seethes. “This is shit.”

“We know, Lewis. We just want him to remember so everything can return to normal.” Stefano nods.

“Well… Well leaving him alone with Mark won’t help anything, man… Mark with never let him remember…”

“Lewis, this isn’t Mark’s fault.”

“It’s just ironic though, no? The first person he sees is that scumbag and now he can’t even… Can’t even remember me…”

“Is someone here that we can leave you with?”

“So now you’re just turfing me out?” Lewis bites, glaring at the two other men. Stefano shakes his head.

“You need to be out of here before Fernando returns.”

“He cycles for ages!” Lewis exclaims. “If you think I’m leaving here without an explanation to what the fuck is going on you’ve lost it!”

Andrea and Stefano exchange a look before nodding, allowing to give Lewis the explanation he deserves.

\- - -

Fernando pushes hard on his bike, storming up the hill whilst trying to keep a check on the poorly drawn map on the back of his hand. This would be so much easier if he could remember where anything is. Oviedo has apparently changed a lot in ten years, so much so Fernando can’t find this certain meeting point.

He almost cycles straight passed it.

Noticing the signpost reading: “Callejón sin salida.” nailed to an oak tree, Fernando slams on his brakes, apologising to the traffic behind him as he turns off, moving swiftly down the country road. Once again he checks the map on his hand. It should be straight down this road, third turn on the right….

“Took your time.” Mark smiles as Fernando skids to a halt in front of him. Fernando is panting heavily as he lays his bike down next to Mark’s.

“Sorry…” He breathes, wrapping his arms tightly around Mark and pulling him close. The Australian waits for Fernando to kiss his cheek before he brings their lips together.

“I have breakfast.” Mark smiles, looking adoringly down at the man in his arms. Fernando steals another kiss.

“Perfecto.” He beams, allowing Mark to lead him over to the blanket that has been laid out. Their hands never break apart. “Is Lorena Ok?”

“Yeah, she’s good.” Mark nods. Fernando watches him pull a few containers of food from his rucksack. “Was a little sad that you left with Lewis.”

“Will call her and explain.” Fernando nods. Mark smiles at that. _How easy it would be to believe this is two years ago..._ “And Tila?” Fernando asks as Mark settles in front of him.

“All good,” He smiles. “Drawing lots.” Fernando bites his lip which instantly causes Mark to frown. “What?”

“No… Nothing…” Fernando brushes away, trying to keep the sadness out of his eyes. Mark grabs his wrist as he reaches for some food.

“Nano, I do know you quite well.”

“Am fine.”

“Two years of marriage does have its uses, mate.”

“Two years?” Fernando asks, somehow feeling like that should have been a longer amount of time. Mark rolls his eyes at him, trying to hide the horrible drop in his stomach as he realises Fernando still doesn’t have a clue.

“Don’t change the subject.”

“Am not…”

“So, what’s up with Tila drawing…? Aha! See!” Mark points as the sadness flitters over Fernando’s face. He shuffles closer to the Spaniard. “Just tell me, Nano.”

“Is…” Fernando sighs, relenting. “Lewis, he….”

“What did he do?” Mark’s voice is fifteen shades darker. It causes Fernando to wince.

“Nothing…” Fernando tries to backtrack but Mark is having none of it.

“Fernando.” Mark says in a warning tone.

“He just…” Fernando glares at his hands, trying to blink away the tears. “Screws it up…” Fernando’s voice is just over a whisper but somehow Mark still manages to catch it. He sees red.

“He did what?”

“Please do not be angry…” Fernando breathes. Mark observes him for a moment. No. He isn’t here to be angry with Fernando. Not that he is angry with Fernando; he is furious with Lewis. How could Lewis think he had the right to just do that? No, he’s here for Fernando because Fernando wanted to see him.

“Alright, Fer. I’m not angry.” Mark says as calmly as he can. Fernando looks up at him sheepishly.

“Not angry…”

“Not angry.” Mark nods with a small smile. He opens his arms for Fernando to crawl into before opening the closest container of food, feeding some to the Spaniard. Fernando takes the food happily, curling closer to Mark as he directs the food to the Australian’s waiting mouth. “Do you know where you are?” Mark asks curiously. Fernando just shrugs, taking more food.

“Nope…”

“No idea?” Mark’s voice holds a little desperation. It causes Fernando to frown at him.

“Should I?”

“No…” Mark lies, tearing apart a croissant. Fernando cups his cheek, a sad tint to his eyes.

“We are somewhere special? Somewhere I should remember?”

“We come, or, _came_ here a lot…”

“So should remember….” Fernando nods dejectedly, his hand falling from Mark’s face.

“You still don’t remember anything?”

“Bits… But nothing good enough to help…” Mark bites his lips but Fernando knows the question before it even comes. “No, Mark.”

“It’s been nearly three weeks, Fernando-”

“-Am not going back to the doctors. Am fine.”

“You’re really not.”

“Then maybe is permanent. If this is the case then we must forget what happens in the past. Do not remember so we just ignore it. Then can come back and be with you... No divorce…” Fernando smiles coyly. But the thought scares Mark. Fernando can’t remember the little details of their lives together, like this location, like his favourite band, like the way he drinks his tea. None of it. Fernando only remembers the things he’s being told and Mark refuses to believe this is life now. He misses his Fernando painfully. Even if it meant loosing him again, he just wants that man back. This Fernando is too young, too naïve. Everything is, or was, too simple for 2003 Fernando. Mark wants the rough-with-experience Fernando he married.

He wants Fernando back, but not like this.

“It’s not permanent.” Mark shakes his head. _It can’t be._

“We should talk about something else.” Fernando states, evidently uncomfortable with the conversation as well. Mark opens his mouth to argue but chooses against it.

“So what have you been up to in your eventful day?”

“Well, Lewis locks me in a room-”

“-Yeah, you already told me about that one.” Mark grins.

“Erm… We have people over for a driver party meeting… Guess that is it…”

“Wait, a what?”

“Do not really know… Jenson and Lewis were organising it…”

“I think I heard about this.” Mark muses, feeding Fernando a strawberry. Fernando swallows.

“Should come.” Mark starts laughing, causing Fernando to pout. “What?”

“Sure, Lewis is going to let me into his ‘driver’s party’. I’m sure one of the reasons for it is simply so he can exclude me. We’ve never had them in the past.”

“Is my party too.” Fernando points out. Mark raises an eyebrow at him.

“You want me going to Lewis’ party?”

“Yes. Can be my plus one.” Fernando winks.

“I think Lewis has already taken that spot.”

“Mark, please come. Do not want to end up in a room full of people do not know…” Fernando whines. Mark freezes with the strawberry halfway to Fernando’s lips.

“You do know them, Fer.”

“Sure.” Fernando shrugs, trying to take the strawberry from Mark’s fingers. He moves it away.

“You just don’t remember them. But you know them.” Mark stresses.

“Please come with me to the driver’s party. Are a driver too.”

“Not anymore…”

“Mark.” Fernando says, a small amount of pleading in his voice. Relenting the strawberry, Mark rolls his eyes.

“Alright. But only because you begged.”

“Do not beg.” Fernando pouts.

“Sure.” Mark smiles.

“Can help me remember people.” Fernando smiles.

“You can ask Lewis to add me to the guest list when you get home.”

“Lewis will not be there when I get home.”

“Eh?”

“Andrea and Stefano came to the house earlier.”

“How have none of these people managed to get you down to a doctors, mate.”

“Because am fine.” Fernando brushes the comment away. “They say that they will get rid of Lewis for when I get back.”

“… Why?”

“Because do not want him around. Want four days of alone time.”

“So no more bike rides?” Mark asks with a nudge of his shoulder. Fernando slides a strawberry into the Australian’s mouth.

“Is always time for bike rides.”

-

“Here…” Mark says a little while later when the food is almost all gone, reaching for his backpack. He places it in the Spaniard’s lap, motioning for it to be opened. Fernando frowns a little, unzipping the bag and looking inside. “At the back.” Fernando slides his hand into the laptop compartment of Mark’s bag and pulls out a piece of paper. Still frowning a little, Fernando finishes his mouthful, turning over the sheet of paper.

It’s the picture Tila drew of Mark and him in a heart.

“Oh…” Fernando doesn’t know what to say. The tears are splashing onto his face before he can think about stopping them.

“Tila drew it yesterday.” Mark smiles, wrapping his arms tighter around the Spaniard’s body. Fernando just nods, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. “Hey… Don’t cry…” Mark coos, drying Fernando’s face. Fernando just shakes his head.

“Is perfect…”

“It’s us.” Mark smiles brighter, letting himself be caught into the fantasy. Fernando nods, delicately sliding the picture back into Mark’s bag as he melts into the Australian’s hold. “What are you doing?”

“Putting it back…”

“I want you to have it.” Mark kisses Fernando’s temple. It’s relaxing rather than the confusing touch he felt from Lewis.

“Tila drew it for you.”

“Drew it for _us_.” Mark corrects. Fernando smiles brightly at Mark. A smile he has not seen in a very long time. “Keep it.”

“Is yours.”

“It’s _ours_.” Mark smiles, nuzzling at Fernando’s cheek. Carefully, the Spaniard puts the picture safely in his bag before returning to Mark’s protective hold. He kisses softly at the Australian’s jaw, causing Mark’s hold on his back to tighten in his shirt.

“How private is this?” Fernando asks, indicating their surroundings. Mark has to blink a few times before the question registers.

“Quite…”

“Good.” Fernando smiles before stealing Mark’s lips with his own and leaning into him, pushing his hand down the front of Mark’s trousers.


	19. You Have To Tell Me. And You Have To Tell Me To Leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing begins to make sense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #ForzaJules

He can see him, and he really wants to go over. Even though so many people have told him he’s being ridiculous. That he’s married. That his problems are not to be taken on by anyone else; that they can’t be. But it hurts him way too much to just see him sitting there, looking so beaten. He can imagine the heated words shared, the spat accusations. It had been a week… Or two… Thinking about it he really can’t remember. But he knows it’s been a while.

He bites his lip. He knows, if you think about technically, it’s sort of his fault he’s in pain. But he did it for the right reason. He has no regrets… Apart from how obviously broken he is. He makes his decision. Draining his beer and pushing the words of warning low inside him he moves away from the bar and heads across the room to where he has his back held to the room. Taking a deep breath he rests a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Fernando?” Lewis says gently. Fernando shrugs his hand off his shoulder.

“Fuck. Off.” Fernando sighs, his voice as broken as his posture. Lewis knows there is pain in his own eyes; he can’t stand seeing Fernando this way. Ignoring the Spaniard’s request Lewis falls into the empty seat beside him.

“I just-”

“-Do not understand what fuck off mean?” Fernando glares, his grip intensifying around the bottle in his hand. Lewis swallows.

“Look, I know you’re pissed off-”

“-Am pissed off at you!” Fernando snaps. Lewis frowns at him as he takes a swig from the bottle, desperate to ignore the redness of Fernando’s eyes, the way they constantly sting with tears.

“What did I do…?” Lewis asks in a small voice. He’s not surprised when Fernando scoffs at him.

“If you do not say anything…” Fernando starts. But his voice breaks. He’s vulnerable. Visibly. And he knows Lewis can see it in the sad look in the Brit’s eyes. Fernando drops his head, feeling weak. “Does not matter…”

“So you would have preferred I hadn’t said and it happen again?” Lewis tries softly. The gasp ripped from Fernando as he clutches at breath lets Lewis know he’s crying again. Instantly Lewis wraps his arm around his shoulder, rubbing soothing circles into Fernando’s back. “It’s Ok to-”

“-Fuck off!” Fernando whines, pushing away from Lewis as he tries to dry his eyes. Lewis grabs his shoulders.

“Fernando, I care about you. I don’t want to see you hurt.”

“If you did not want to see it you would not have said anything!” Fernando barks, getting to his feet. He automatically stumbles to the floor. Lewis dashes round to help him up immediately. “Fuck off…”

“Fernando, you’re drunk.” Lewis states, lifting the Spaniard to his feet.

“Am not…”

“Come on.”

“Where we go now?” Fernando slurs a little as Lewis directs him to the lifts. The doors shutter closed before Lewis speaks again.

“My room.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m assuming Mark is in yours?” Lewis watches Fernando closely as he slumps against the wall.

“No… Have my own room…”

“Ok, then we’ll go there.”

“…Am still not happy with you.”

“Fernando, I did what I thought was right, Ok? I didn’t want to hurt you, that was never my intention, but surely not telling you would have hurt you more in the long run?” Fernando doesn’t answer; Lewis doesn’t know the full extent. No one but he does. He slumps out of the lift when they get to his floor, moving towards his door. “Where’s the key?” Fernando places the plastic card in Lewis’ awaiting palm, still breathing deeply. “Take a seat, I’ll get you some water…”

“No…” Fernando sighs, dropping back onto the soft mattress. Lewis frowns at him.

“Huh?”

“No water…” Lewis heart breaks again at the sigh of Fernando. He’s a completely different person. Never before would he have found Fernando in such a drunken state. His hatred for Mark triples. How could he ever dare to do this to Fernando?

“Come on, sit up now.” Lewis says, tucking an arm under Fernando’s body and trying to pull him up. Fernando simply arches his back, keeping his head firmly on the mattress as Lewis tries to pull him back to reality. He groans in complaint. “Don’t be a child, Fernando.”

“When are you going to fuck off?” Fernando spits, allowing Lewis to sit him up.

“When your better.” Lewis states, pressing the glass of water to Fernando’s lips.

“Great. So are never going…” Fernando mutters darkly. Still he keeps his lips resistant to Lewis’ attempts to sober him up. Lewis rolls his eyes.

“You will be better, Fernando. It’s just shit right now.” Lewis tries tipping the water into Fernando’s mouth again but still the Spaniard refuses. “Fernando, stop being an idiot.” Lewis exasperates.

“Do not want.” Fernando protests, barely opening his lips. Lewis strikes back with extra determination. “Ahh!”

“Sorry!” Lewis winces as the water spills into Fernando’s lap, soaking into his jeans. Fernando just exasperates, hanging his head.

“Leave now…” Fernando’s voice is too quiet. There is no way Lewis is leaving him.

“Not happening, man.”

“Have done enough, Lewis.” Fernando glares. Lewis bites his lip.

“Look, I’m just trying to help you-!”

“-Do not want your help.” Fernando spits, getting wobbly to his feet and unceremoniously shoving his jeans to the floor. Lewis tries to stop the blush as Fernando steps out of the denim but he can’t help but look at Fernando, feeling the tingle of excitement rush through his body.

“Fernando!” It’s too late; the Spaniard has already fallen back to the floor.

“Fuck…”

“Just drink the fucking water, man!”

“Why are you so determined to make me remember the shit that is my life, Lewis?” Fernando glares from the floor as Lewis tries, again, to drag him up.

“Because your life isn’t shit, Fernando… Just this little bit is…” An awkward silence filters into the room as Lewis gets Fernando sat back on the bed. But Fernando is frowning at him. Frowning at something that suddenly seems to make sense. Something Mark had been going on and on about for so long but Fernando had been persistent was rubbish. He watches as Lewis drags a pair of joggers up his legs, unaware that the dark material belongs to Mark.

“Am still wet…” Fernando points out, still frowning at Lewis. Lewis blushes brighter.

“Right… Yeah, sorry, man….” Fernando slowly blinks at him, trying to get into the Brit’s head. The trousers are discarded, again, onto the floor. “If you want to…” Lewis stammers, pointing at Fernando’s damp boxers. Fernando just sighs, falling back on the bed.

“Am fine.” Lewis looks on him sadly. Fernando isn’t supposed to be like this.

“Fernando… Come on, it’s not so bad…” Lewis tries, crawling on the bed beside Fernando. Fresh tears are running down the Spaniard’s face.

“No, is. Is really that bad.”

“You’ve got so much more in your life, Fernando… Forget him. He doesn’t deserve you…”

“Do not get it…” Fernando sniffs, rolling onto his side. Lewis instinctively wraps his arms around Fernando, pulling him close to his chest. He buries his nose in the Spaniard’s hair, feeling light headed.

“Then explain…. Let me help take away your pain… A burden shared is a burden halved, man… My dad used to tell me that…” Fernando’s eyes are wide and calculating, trying to understand the meaning behind the soft hand pressed into his navel, the one that sneaked under his shirt. Mark couldn’t be right… Could he? Fernando looks over his shoulder at Lewis, their noses inches apart. The air in the room seems to have thickened, Lewis’ breath breaching his lips in an uneven pattern. Fernando can feel the heat off Lewis’ skin; see the deep dilation of his pupils.

Before he knows it Fernando has rolled onto his back, pulling Lewis’ lips to his.

\- - - -

It’s been a couple of days since that memory. That night he woke up screaming, not understanding. He had reached for his phone, intending on calling Mark and getting him to explain, but when he looked down at the device the call had connected to Lewis. He hung up before it had a chance to ring. He couldn’t deal with all this right now. He didn’t want to hear the positivity in Lewis’ voice as he thought he remembered. He still didn’t. He still wanted Mark.

That was, however the last decent night sleep he had.

Fernando sits on the windowsill, watching the warm sun spread across his garden, making the water in his pool glisten like a thousand crystals. He’s sipping slowly on his tea with his phone resting on a packet of cigarettes by his knee. What would this day have been like? What would it have been like if he hadn’t have forgotten? Would Mark have just walked out of his life? Would he have married Lewis? Neither of those things sits well with Fernando. He really doesn’t want to loose Mark. But sipping on his tea he can’t help but wonder if that is just 2003 him that doesn’t want to loose Mark… None of it makes any sense.

He looks down at the two things by his knee: his phone and the cigarettes. How those two items compliment and contradict each other. How they could be linked to the two men in his life. Fernando just blinks at them, moving the phone off the cigarettes. The same three lettered words resounds in his head as he lifts the packet: why? Why is he doing this to himself? What on Earth made him start? He hates it. Fernando hates how he appears dependant on them. Screwing the packet in his hand he throws them across the room, glaring out of the window. However much his fingers itch to place the cigarette between his lips he refuses. No more.

He presses the ‘home’ button on his phone, looking at the smiling picture of Mark that flashes up. The one he had to go on the Internet to find. Why were there no pictures of Mark on his phone? That thought seems to completely confuse him and that catches him off guard. Even that little, damning voice that hates Mark doesn’t understand where all of those pictures have gone. _All of those pictures_. The thought stops Fernando. Can he remember? Can he remember that there were lots of pictures? He closes his eyes, tries to concentrate on pictures of Mark, pictures he would have taken of the Australian. But angry words and harsh faces rip him away from his thoughts again. The sudden exposure to the heat and aggression causes Fernando to gasp, staggering backwards and falling off the windowsill.

“Fuck…” Fernando mutters, staring at the ceiling and blinking himself back to the here and now. It takes him a moment to feel the warmth on his hand. He looks down to see the cut running the edge of his palm, the splash of tea sinking into the carpet. The mug has broken, and now he is bleeding.

Fernando grabs his phone in his good hand as he moves towards the kitchen. His foot steps onto the packet of cigarettes unknowingly as he leaves the room. He swears again as he sets the cool water running over his injured hand, washing away the blood. He inspects the injury, it’s not too deep. However he will need to cover it until it decides to stop bleeding. How much easier it would be if he had someone here to help him out. As the water slowly begins to run colder he looks down at his phone. He can call Mark for this, yeah? It’s only one more day until they travel to Paris together, but this is a good enough reason to call, right? Fernando’s fingers start to go numb with the cold as he thinks about that…

_Mark presses a soft kiss to his forehead, holding his sated body tightly against him. Fernando lets his fingers play through the smattering of hair on Mark’s bare chest, breathing deeply, feeling more calm than he has in a very long time. Mark exasperates contently, looking up at the warm sky. It makes Fernando smile. He feels happy here._

_“Well, we haven’t done that before…” Mark smirks, fingers delicately parting Fernando’s hair. Fernando laughs at him._

_“No?”_

_“… No…” Fernando pulls Mark’s lip from being worried between his teeth._

_“Why do this?”_

_“There is still so much you don’t remember, mate…” Mark states guiltily. Fernando rolls his eyes._

_“We are really starting this again?”_

_“I’m not starting anything, Fernando. This is on going, continuous.”_

_“Mark, am happy with you.”_

_“You were. Once.”_

_“Stop it.” Fernando snaps, sitting up. Mark frowns at him._

_“Mate-”_

_“-No, Mark. Do not want to think about what I cannot remember! Just… Just want to be with you!”_

_“But you still don’t remember anything!”_

_“Remember enough.” Fernando pleads, crawling back on top of Mark. Mark’s arms wrap around his back securely. “Please…” Fernando sighs, burying his head in the crevice of Mark’s neck. Mark lets one hand gip tightly in Fernando’s hair, holding him close._

_“Ok… Ok, Nano…” Mark breathes. Fernando curls closer, kissing happily at Mark’s neck. “But you have to promise me something.”_

_“Anything.” Fernando agrees, sucking slightly determinedly at Mark’s neck. The Australian pulls him off, needing no distractions._

_“You have to promise me that if you ever remember anything, anything that makes you doubt wanting to be anywhere near me, you have to tell me. And you have to tell me to leave.”_

_“Mark-!”_

_“-You have to promise me, Fernando. I won’t do what Lewis has done, I won’t do that to you.”_

_“Could never-”_

_“-Fernando.” Mark warns. Fernando bites his lip. “Lewis would have never meant to do what he has done.”_

_“Why are you saying this?”_

_“Because… When you do remember… I don’t want to restrict you. I need to know. I need you to tell me.”_

_“Are scaring me…”_

_“Just promise.” There is a long silence where Fernando tries desperately to read Mark. It’s useless. Maybe if he remembered what each of Mark’s expressions meant he would be Ok. But he’s got no clue._

_“Promise, Mark…” Fernando mutters resentfully. Mark cups his head._

_“Thank you, Nano.” Mark smiles weakly, encouraging Fernando’s lips to his. It doesn’t take much. Fernando hungrily attacks Mark’s mouth like it could be the last time, his hand tracing all over his navel, slowly sinking lower again. Mark grabs his wrist before he can breach the lycra shorts. “So… So Lewis will be gone when you get home?” Mark chokes, trying to stop Fernando from inflicting more pleasure on his body. Fernando just smirks at him as he returns to leaving his mark on the Australian’s neck. “Fuck…”_

_“Sì…” Fernando elongates, kissing the red bruise he’s left on Mark’s skin. Mark blinks, trying to keep track of the string of words being exchanged. “Come home with me…”_

_“No…” Mark breaths, holding Fernando tightly. Fernando frowns at him._

_“No?”_

_“We’ll go to Paris together, but I think it’s best you take a few days to yourself.”_

_“Mark!”_

_“No arguments, Fernando. I’ll be only a phone call away if you need me. Just… Just take some time for you…”_

Fernando sits on the sofa, glaring at the blank television. His hand is wrapped in a tissue and his holding it up, feeling his fingers go numb in an attempt to stop the flow. He can’t help but start comparing how he kissed Mark a couple of days ago to how he kissed Lewis in the memory. One so calm and enjoyable, the other experimental, cautious. Who would have thought Lewis’ kiss would have been calm, almost normal, and that kissing Mark now would feel confusing? It hurt Fernando’s head too much. What he would give to calm to storm in his head…

He drops his eyes to the pile of cigarettes he’s collected up from around the house. Fifty boxes must be sitting in front of him. They make him feel sick. He hates this stupid habit and he’s determined to make it stop before it continues anymore. But somehow he can’t seem to get rid of them. For some stupid reason he’s sitting here, staring at them, his mouth damp in anticipation, his fingers itching to light one. But he holds himself still, just glaring at them. One of the many things, apparently, that pushed him away from Mark.

He wants them gone because he’s determined to bring Mark back.

\- - - -

“You look like a wreck, mate.” Mark observes as Fernando climbs into the hire car beside him. Fernando shrugs, trying to stifle a yawn. “Have you actually slept at all?”

“A bit…” Fernando lies. Mark wrinkles his nose at him.

“Have you been smoking?”

“No.” Fernando shakes his head. Mark leans closer to him.

“It smells like you have.”

“Promise I have not, Mark.” Fernando assures, pulling the jumper over his head and getting back out of the car. Mark doesn’t understand what’s going on.

“Fernando-!”

“-One second!” Fernando yells back as he rushes back into the house. Mark taps his fingers on the steering wheel impatiently, checking the time. They’ve got a bit of time before they need to panic, but that’s not what Mark is worried about. “There, better?” Fernando smiles, climbing back into the car with a different jumper on and closing the door. Mark starts up the engine, nodding. He glances at Fernando before he pulls off the drive.

“That’s mine.” Mark comments, relaxing in his chair as they get onto the main road. Fernando beams at him.

“Have a lot of your stuff apparently.”

“Yeah, well-” Mark bites his tongue. He can’t really go off into a _when we were together_ speech when Fernando still can’t remember.

“Well…?”

“Don’t worry.”

“Mark…”

“You won’t remember what I’m talking about anyway, mate.” Mark adds sadly, placing his hand on Fernando’s knee. He waits for it to be thrown off but Fernando just places his hand over Mark’s, drawing patterns over the back of his hand.

“Tell me anyway?”

“Fernando…”

“Please? Might help?”

“If you just let me tell you what you’ve forgotten then this will be sorted quicker.” Mark indicates. Fernando shakes his head.

“Already say no, Mark. Do not try and force me.”

“Alright, sorry.” Mark nods, moving his hand from Fernando to change gear. Fernando brings it back to him as soon as he can. “Do you… No, don’t worry.”

“Mark!” Fernando giggles. “Have to stop doing this.”

“Sorry…”

“Do I what?” Mark passes Fernando a look before relenting, keeping his eyes firmly on the road.

“… Do you remember calling Lorena before Brazil? Before the race?” Mark has to know. Though he’s not surprised by the answer he gets.

“No…” Fernando admits sadly. Mark nods his head.

“That’s Ok.”

“Is not.” Fernando scoffs, sinking back in his chair. “Why do you ask?”

“No reason…”

“Mark.” Fernando presses in a disbelieving voice. Mark just sighs.

“It’s just something Lorena said to me the other day. But it doesn’t matter. You don’t remember so there is no point in pushing it until you do.”

“… Am sorry…” Fernando mutters, blushing a little. Mark laughs lightly at him.

“This isn’t your fault, mate.” Mark smiles, soothingly rubbing Fernando’s thigh. Fernando lets his head drop back against the seat, letting the feeling and the close proximity roll over him again and again. Mark frowns at him, a little concerned at his sudden sedated state. “Fernando?”

“Do not stop…” Fernando breathes as Mark moves to pull his hand away. Mark smiles gently at the Spaniard beside him.

“I think I need to.” Mark smirks. Fernando shakes his head, grabbing Mark’s wrist.

“Has been four days…” Fernando sighs, moving Mark’s hand closer to the top of his thigh. The Australian’s fingers brush his denim-clad groin and he can’t stop the gasp ripping from his body.

“Fuck, Fernando… I’m… I need to drive…”

“Do not look then.” Fernando smirks, eyes still closed as he guides Mark’s hand into his jeans. It doesn’t take long for Mark to find a lay-by and pull up. _Something else we’ve never done before._

-

Lewis knocks again.

“Come on, Nibby! We’ve got a plane to catch!” Lewis calls, glaring at the wood.

“Don’t you have a key?” Jenson calls from the car, frowning at the situation. Lewis turns his glare on him.

“No. I don’t.”

“Why not?” Nico frowns. Lewis storms back over to the car.

“He said he needed to get it back from Mark. Was going to at Brazil and then this shit happened.” Lewis barks, extracting his phone from his bag. Jenson and Nico exchange a look.

“I thought you had a key.” Jenson says, more to Nico than Lewis.

“You thought wrong then didn’t you.” Lewis bites, moving back towards the door. He’s about to call Fernando, demand that he get his arse downstairs because they need to leave. But he’s stopped by the message that comes through from the Spaniard. A message that makes his blood boil.

_I want Mark to come to the driver’s party in Paris._

“What about Fernando?” Nico asks, completely confused as Lewis slams the door behind him, getting back in the car.

“He’s already on his way to the airport.” Lewis grits, dropping his phone harshly in the German’s lap. Nico’s frown disappears as he reads the message. Jenson and he exchange a look when everyone in the car has read the message.

And they all know Fernando has gone with Mark. 


	20. Sometimes We All Have To Do Things We Don't Want To

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What Fernando and Mark did next...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2/3rds of the way there! Only ten left now…
> 
> Chapter 20 and 21run parallel. The events that happen take place at the same time : ) 
> 
> #ForzaJules  
> \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“What… What did you do to your hand?” Mark stammers as Fernando fights with the button on his jeans. Fernando looks down, briefly, at his bandage covered palm before popping open Mark’s trousers. “Fuck…”

“Cut myself. Was an accident.” Fernando shrugs, smirking as he slides Mark’s chair backwards, crawling into the foot well.

“Cut… Shit… Cut yourself?” Mark pants, his eyes screwed shut as Fernando pulls his jeans down to his knees.

“Broke a mug.” Fernando nods as he pulls Mark’s boxers down, releasing his hard member to the car.

“You’re… You’re not making much sense…” Mark breathes, feeling Fernando’s warm breath dance over his leaking tip.

“Am, are just in no state to be listening, so ask later.” Fernando smiles cheekily. Mark’s fingers curl into his hair as he looks down at the Spaniard cramped between the steering wheel and the pedals. He stops Fernando for a moment, fixing the image to his memory.

“You’re a mess, Fer…” Mark smiles, running his thumb over Fernando’s lip. Fernando blushes.

“Would not let me take my jeans off…”

“You’re the one who wanted me to do that to you whilst I was driving. This is your punishment.” Mark smirks. Fernando leans closer to him, causing Mark to gasp as the hot sensation tingles through his body.

“Do you like it when am…. Dirty?” Fernando elongates each syllable, making his accent thicker as he purrs the words over Mark’s flushed cock. Mark whimpers, a noise he has never made before.

“Fuck, Fernando….”

“Later.” Fernando smiles cheekily before moving forwards and taking Mark in his mouth. Mark would have thrashed his legs out, forced Fernando to take him deeper, quicker; he’s sitting right on the edge as it is, having just watched himself make Fernando come in his pants. But there is no room. With his jeans and boxers trapped around his knees and Fernando filling any free space that there was in the foot well, Mark is powerless to his attack.

“M-more…” Mark pleads as Fernando simply swirls his tongue around Mark’s tip, cleaning away the precum.

“Are impatient…” Fernando tuts. “Is your punishment for making me come in my underwear.” He beams sexily. Mark messes his hair, trying to persuade his lips back.

“Have to… To catch a plane, Nano…” Mark begs.

“How close are you?” Mark can’t stand the calmness of Fernando’s voice, as if he’s totally unmoved by what he’s doing to the Australian. But Mark can see him palming himself through his jeans.

“Very… So close…”

“Hmm…. Then maybe I make you wait…”

“Fernando, please…” Mark holds his hair tighter as the Spaniard begins to get up. When Mark hears his chuckle he knows that was Fernando’s plan all along; he wanted to hear Mark beg.

When his lips return, Mark’s assumption is proven correct.

\- - -

“Who are you texting?” Mark asks as they sit in the departures lounge. Fernando smiles, locking the phone and pushing it back in his pocket.

“Lewis…” Fernando sighs, resting his head on Mark’s shoulder. Mark instinctively wraps his arm around Fernando, pulling him closer.

“Why?” There is a sense of nerves in Mark’s voice as he asks the questions. Fernando kisses his cheek reassuringly, snuggling closer.

“To tell him you are coming to the driver’s party.” Fernando smiles. Mark bites his lip.

“Nano… I’m not sure that’s such a good idea…”

“Is my party too!” Fernando argues. “Want you there… Besides, you say fine the other day.”

“This is Lewis’ thing, mate. He won’t want me there.”

“Do not care. Is an end of season party for all the drivers. _All_ of them, Mark. This includes you.” Mark just observes Fernando for a moment, trying to work out his incentives.

“Alright… Fine.” Mark sighs, loving the beautiful smile that spreads on Fernando’s lips. He loves it even more when Fernando gratefully presses their lips together.

“Gracias…” Fernando sighs, kissing Mark’s nose. Mark lets the feeling rush over him, let’s himself believe this is how it is now. He can only hope, but his hope is powered by Fernando’s closeness to him.

He just tries to ignore how young Fernando seems. It’s almost glaring him in the face that this is not the Fernando from 2013.

\- - -

“So,” Mark starts after the stewardess has passed, leaving them both with a drink. Fernando looks round at him from the window, sipping cutely from the straw poking out of his drink. “Have you remembered anything else?” Mark regrets asking when the sadness filters onto Fernando’s face. _That’s a yes._ “Tell me?”

“Do not….” Fernando mutters, looking down and placing his drink down on the tray in front of him. Mark rubs a hand down his back.

“Fer, I need you to tell me what you remember. I don’t want any surprises.” Mark assures softly. Fernando pokes the ice in his drink with the straw, deliberately not looking at Mark.

“Was about…. Lewis…” Mark holds his breath.

“Ok… What about Lewis?”

“Was… Do not want to talk about it.” Fernando abandons his drink, shuffling into Mark’s hold. Mark sighs, rubbing his palm gently up and down Fernando’s arm.

“Nano… Please…?” Mark says softly, his lips pressed close to Fernando’s ear. Fernando curls closer. Fernando mutters so quietly Mark isn’t sure if he’s spoken. “Sorry?”

“I… Kiss…”

“Oh.” Mark feels hurt. It’s like a ton of bricks fall on his shoulders. Fernando remembers kissing Lewis and it hurts because Mark knows that was only recent. So close to the incident it’s scary. “When?”

“When?” Fernando repeats, confused.

“Do you remember when you were… Kissing him?” Mark asks and Fernando can see and feel Mark is uncomfortable. That’s why he didn’t want to say.

“No… Sorry…” Fernando tries to kiss Mark’s jaw but Mark holds him still. Fernando hates it; it feels like rejection.

“What was happening? Do you remember?”

“Was drinking… In a hotel somewhere… Was annoyed at you… And-”

“-Wait, you were annoyed at me?” Mark asks, looking down at the man in his arms. Fernando doesn’t return his look. “Nano?” Mark tries to manipulate Fernando’s chin but Fernando pushes his hands away, retreating towards the window. “Fernando, please-”

“-Say do not want to talk about it. Why do you push it!” Fernando rages quietly, his eyes locked on the drink in front of him. But Mark can see it in his eyes.

“You’re confused about what you remembered aren’t you?” Mark says slowly. The dread settles in his stomach. This could be it. This could be the moment he tells Fernando what happened.

“Am not talking about it…”

“Fernando, you have to. If you won’t let me tell you you have to, at least, try and remember.” Mark pleads.

“Am happy now. Why can we not just leave it at that?”

“What happened in the memory?” Mark pushes. Fernando sends him a disbelieving look.

“Want me to go back to Lewis…” Fernando accuses. Mark slowly shakes his head.

“No, mate… Definitely not... I just want to help.”

“Then stop asking.” Fernando clips.

“Nano-”

“-Let me out, please.” Fernando gets to his feet, trying to climb passed Mark. Mark frowns up at him.

“Where are you going?”

“Toilet.” Fernando states, tripping on Mark’s foot as he wriggles out of the seats. Mark grabs his hips before he falls.

“Do you want me to come with-?”

“-No.” Fernando bites before he storms down the cabin. He opens one of the bathroom toilets, slamming the door behind him. Sliding the lock in place Fernando turns to the mirror, looking at his tired reflection. He can’t stand this. Why can’t Mark just drop it? Why does Mark keep pushing him to remember? He’s happy now with Mark. He wants to be with Mark. Why can that not be enough anymore?

_So you would have preferred I hadn’t said anything and it happened again?_

What happened again? Fernando pulls at his hair. This is killing him. He just wants to know, just so everything can start making sense. But he’s terrified of what that would mean, of the ramifications of being told. Because once he knows he can’t forget again. And apparently whatever it was that happened had made Fernando kiss Lewis… Or… No, he could blame that on the alcohol, right? He’s scared of the man he has become. Petrified.

_Forget him. He doesn’t deserve you._

The worst thing about this memory is he can remember it all so clearly, right down to the colour of the carpet (grey, if you were interested). He remembers the horrific feeling of depression sitting heavily in his stomach, the warmth of Lewis’ hand on his navel, the gentleness of the breath from the Brit’s mouth and how it became more erratic the closer they got, how it felt to have Lewis’ eyes on his as he waltz around the room in just his boxers, how he relished in being looked at like that – like he was adored… The compassionate feel of his lips…

_Let me help take away your pain…_

Fernando splashes his face with water, taking a deep breath and pushes the memory from his head. No. It doesn’t mean anything. Not at all. Whatever happened happened. No, he can’t change it but Fernando can neither remember it. So why does it matter? He is happy with Mark. _Happy_ with Mark. Why can no one seem to see that?

“Fernando?” Mark calls, knocking gently on the door. Fernando sighs, looking at himself in disgust. Why did he ever walk away? “Nano, you alright, mate?”

“Fine.” Fernando nods, splashing more water on his face.

“You’ve... You’ve been gone for a while…” Mark says gently. Fernando nods to himself, dabbing his face dry. He unlocks the door to be face to face with Mark, and rising onto his toes he places a kiss on the Australian’s lips.

“Good now.” Fernando smiles, leading the way back to their seats. As soon as Mark sits beside him he snuggles into his hold.

“Fernando, we need to talk about-”

“-Have told you all I can remember…” Fernando lies, pushing himself closer to Mark.

“Really?”

“Yes… Do not remember anymore. Please do not confuse me more with things I do not remember…” Fernando adds quietly. He doesn’t dare look up at Mark in case the Australian sees the lies in his eyes. He holds his breath. Just waiting…

“Alright, Nano.” Mark exasperates, pressing a soft kiss to Fernando’s forehead. “Alright…”

\- - -

“Good to go?” Mark asks as Fernando opens the door for him. Taking in the look of contempt on the Spaniard’s face Mark knows that he’s not. He closes the door behind him, following Fernando into his room. “What’s up?”

“Cannot work out this!” Fernando exclaims, throwing his bowtie at Mark. Mark catches the oddly shaped material easily.

“You can’t do your bowtie?” Mark frowns, moving closer to Fernando. The Spaniard just exasperates as Mark turns up his collar.

“Flavio usually…” Fernando starts angrily, but he lets his voice fade off. No, not Flavio. Flavio did his bowties ten years ago. Fernando shakes his head. “Do not make me go tonight.” Fernando pleads for the umpteenth time.

“Fernando we’ve talked about this.” Mark starts, wrapping the short black material around Fernando’s neck. Fernando watches Mark’s eyes as the Australian ties his bowtie. “You have to go.”

“Will not remember anyone… Or anything… Mark, please. We just stay here and get room service.”

“Right, then you can deal with Lewis when he breaks this door down because you’re not at his party.” Mark points out again, passing the material through itself. “Fernando, you are just going to sit in a hall for three hours and go up onstage when they call your name. Nothing big. Seb is the one making the speech.”

“Still do not want to go.” Fernando pouts as Mark smoothens his bowtie.

“Sometimes we all have to do things we don’t want to.” Mark adds with a sad smile.

“Then you have to come with me to the driver’s party.” Fernando states stubbornly. Mark rolls his eyes as he moves across the room to collect Fernando’s dinner jacket.

“Has Lewis text you back yet?” Mark asks, holding out the jacket for Fernando. Fernando turns, letting the soft material be pulled up his arms.

“Is my party too…”

“Fernando, I don’t want to step on any toes.”

“Will not.” Fernando assures, turning back to face the Australian. Mark smoothens down his lapels.

“I’m not-”

“- _Need_ you to come with me…” Fernando stresses. Mark pushes his hand into Fernando’s hair, looking down at him softly.

“You really need a haircut, mate.” Mark sighs.

“Have had other things on my mind recently.”

“Yeah, you can say that again…”

“Do not change the subject, Mark.” Fernando says, raising an eyebrow. Mark runs his thumb across Fernando’s cheekbone. And relents again.

“Ok… Fine.” Mark nods. With a smile, Fernando brings their lips together.

“Thank you, Mark.” Fernando breaks with kisses. Mark grips onto him tightly. If Fernando seriously cannot remember how to tie a bowtie, maybe things are still as bad as they were…

Maybe there is still hope.

\- - - -

“Mate, please.” Mark whispers as Fernando tries to link their fingers. The Spaniard exasperates in an annoyed fashion as yet more photographers pass, yet more people smile and wave at him, try to shake his hand.

“Do not… Do not leave me, Mark.” Fernando panics, trying to hide in Mark’s jacket. Mark forces him to stand a small distance away.

“I told you we can’t be so relaxed in public.” Mark chastens. Fernando’s eyes are scared though; he looks so young and lost. He just wants to pull Fernando into his arms, protect him from the world he doesn’t understand. But he can’t. To the rest of the world they’re not together, Fernando remembers everything and they’re filing for a divorce. That is how they have to act.

“Mark, please…” Fernando breathes, his eyes darting around for some sort of escape. He so scared he’s going to get lost, swept up in the sea of people and loose Mark forever. He shakes his head. That can’t happen. “Mark…” He reaches out blindly but it’s no use. Mark steps away from him, increasing the distance.

“You should go to your table, mate.” Mark’s voice spins in his head and suddenly there is a warm hand on his back, guiding him. He tries to fall back into Mark but the Australian grabs his shoulder, doesn’t let him go any further. “Go and sit with Andrea.”

“Andrea…” Fernando mutters with a nod, his eyes scanning the room again. He gasps as the hand disappears; spinning so fast me makes himself a little dizzy. But Mark has gone. Mark has left him stranded in this room alone. Fernando tries to find the Australian but it seems he’s disappeared in the sea of tuxedos and happy chatter. Fernando grabs the back of a chair as he stumbles backwards, his head spinning dreadfully. He closes his eyes, taking a few deep breaths, trying to not be sick, to not pass out.

_Mark! Stop it!_

Fernando frowns at his own voice. Happy…? It’s happy. His voice is happy there…

_Come back here!_

_Am faster than you! Fernando is faster that you!_

“Fernando!” Arms catch his shoulders as he sags backwards. Fernando blinks his eyes open, gasping a little for breath as he is set firmly on his feet. He looks round at his savour. Andrea just frowns at him. “What is wrong?”

“No…Nothing…” Fernando smiles softly. His head is still revelling in those three sentences. He was happy. His voice was happy…

“Fernando?” Andrea says again, grabbing the Spaniard’s attention. He doesn’t have it for long. Fernando has a love struck look in his eyes. It’s rather confusing. “Nearly fell.”

“Am fine now.” Fernando nods, beaming brightly. This confuses Andrea more.

“Do you still not remember things?” Andrea asks quietly, leading Fernando back to their table. Fernando shrugs.

“Remember more…”

“So who is Lewis?” Andrea asks as they sit down. Fernando fiddles with his cutlery.

“My boyfriend.” Fernando says, swallowing the dread that froths into his throat. Andrea nods, leaning forwards.

“And how long have you been together?”

“Not long…” Fernando closes his eyes, trying to work that out. He rifles through the dispersed memories he has retained, trying to make some links. “A few months…”

“Still cannot remember.” Andrea shakes his head angrily. Fernando opens his eyes to frown at the Italian.

“Why are you angry-?”

“-This is serious, Fernando.” Andrea shoots. “Cannot keep lying to us.”

“Am not. Can remember a bit more.”

“But not much. Nothing sufficient.” Andrea bites getting to his feet. “Excuse me…” Fernando watches the Italian go, feeling powerless to stop him.

“Fernando?” A cheery voice says from behind him. Fernando turns, looking up at the man who seems so ecstatic to see him. Smiling the Spaniard gets to his feet, being warmly pulled into a hug. “Gosh, how long has it been since I last saw you, eh!” The man chuckles happily. Fernando shrugs, feeling in too deep and forcing the smile to remain on his face.

“Too long.” Fernando smiles. The man claps his shoulder.

“Absolutely!” He beams. “So how have you been?”

“Not too bad, thank you.” Fernando nods. “Yourself?”

“Well, it’s not all winning away from the top, eh!” The man jokes. Fernando forces himself to laugh. “Not too bad though. It’s good fun actually... Hey! Take a year out! Do a Räikkönen and join me! You’ll love it!”

“Maybe… Though, I… Um…” Fernando stumbles, unsure of what the hell he is supposed to be talking about. The man looks at him, waiting patiently. Slowly a frown filters onto the man’s face as Fernando stumbles for words. “Errh…”

“Hey, are you Ok?” Where the man was joyous he is now reserved, concerned. Fernando swallows.

“Fine.” He breaks his cheeks into a smile. The man looks like he doesn’t believe him.

“What is up, Fernando?”

“Nothing… Nothing, am fine.” Fernando stresses but the man isn’t buying it. His eyes drift across the room before he seems to realise. Or think he has realised.

“I know this must be hard but it will get better, Fernando. I remember when I broke up withEdyta… It was difficult. But the less you see him the better it gets. I promise.” The man says softly. Fernando frowns at him.

“What?”

“With… With Mark…”

“Things are fine between Mark and me.” Fernando states. The man echoes Fernando’s frown.

“But I thought-”

“-Thought wrong.” Fernando folds his arms. The man’s frown doesn’t disappear.

“Robert.” Mark nods, appearing on Fernando’s left. Fernando visibly relaxes, much to Robert’s confusion. “Fernando, I need to talk to you.”

“Ok.” Fernando nods with a small smile. Robert frowns between them.

“Have I missed something?” Robert asks as Mark starts ushering Fernando away.

“No, mate.”

“But then why isn’t he with Le-?”

“-It’s… Complicated…” Mark nods apologetically at the Polish man before dragging Fernando off and out of the function hall. “Fernando you can’t just do that.” Mark sighs.

“Do what?”

“Pretend we’re Ok. We’re not Ok.” Mark stresses. Fernando pouts, wrapping his arms around Mark’s waist.

“But we are.” Fernando counters. Mark shakes his head.

“According to the pubic we’re not. We can’t just suddenly be all good.” Mark snaps. Fernando retreats slightly away from him.

“Why are you angry at me?”

“I’m not-” Mark grabs hold of his anger, taking a deep breath. “I’m not angry, mate.”

“Who is Robert?” Fernando frowns. Mark openly stares wide eyed at him. No way. There is so much Mark can take, but this? Mark can’t even begin to comprehend it.

“How much do you actually remember, Fernando!”

“Stop shouting at me…” Fernando mutters, cowering into himself.

“This is ridiculous! Are you even trying?”

“Mark, please stop-”

“-I’ve had enough now.” Mark barks, grabbing Fernando’s arm and pulling him towards the bathroom.

“Where are we-?”

“-I’m telling you what you can’t remember.” Mark states. Fernando wrestles out of his grip.

“No!” The Spaniard screams, backing away from Mark. “Do not want this!”

“Fernando, you need to know! This has gone on for too long!” Mark glares. Fernando just shakes his head.

“Do not…. No!” Sinking to the floor Fernando curls his fingers tightly into his hair, his voice giving out as the sobs shake through his body. Mark roughly pulls him back to his feet.

“I’m so fucking bored of you doing this to me….” Mark grits, what should have been more to himself. But Fernando hears. And Fernando doesn’t understand.

“M-M-Mark…?”

“Enough, Fernando.” Mark growls, dragging Fernando further away from the Gala. Fernando tries to fight him but it’s no use. Mark overpowers him easily.

“Please, Mark, please do not! Please! Do not want to know! Mark, please! Please no!” Fernando begs through a broken voice as he’s dragged away from the other attendees. Mark doesn’t stop. He shows no sign of caving to Fernando’s pleas. Fernando grabs the doorframe as Mark tries to force him through it, preventing the Australian from getting him any further.

“For fuck sake!” Mark snaps, prying Fernando’s fingers off the wooden frame.

“Mark?” Mark lets go of Fernando as he takes in the speaker and the Spaniard springs free, falling to the floor and crying hard. He doesn’t understand. What did Mark mean? He’s done this before? Many times? Fernando doesn’t get it. His head hurts a lot. But he’s back on his feet, tears still racing down his face as he gasps for breath, throwing himself back into Mark’s embrace. He sobs heavily onto Mark’s shoulder, confusing both the Australian and the man who interrupted. Mark wraps his arms securely around Fernando’s body, feeling the Spaniard melt into him.

“Do not… Do not tell…” Fernando tries as Mark soothingly rubs his back.

“Alright, Fernando, shh….”

“Do not… Not w-want to-”

“-I know… I know…” Mark agrees, defeated.

“Mark…” The man says sheepishly. Mark focuses on drying Fernando’s eyes as the man approaches them. “Christian wants you.”

“Tell him to wait, Seb. This is a little more important.” Mark bites harshly, contradicting his soft strokes of Fernando’s cheek.

“What… What was going on?” Sebastian asks softly. Fernando buries himself in Mark’s shoulder more as the German gets closer to him.

“He was having a moment.” Mark says in a voice that state he won’t be giving any more details.

“Does he still not remember?”

“I think you can answer that yourself.” Mark spits. Fernando doesn’t really understand the hostility but as long as Mark has a tight hold on him he knows he will be Ok. “Can you go and get Andrea for me please, Seb.”

“No…” Fernando sighs, feeling completely exhausted. Mark kisses his temple, running his hand gently through Fernando’s hair.

“You have to go back to your table, Fer. We’ll have dinner soon. Then it’s just the awards and then we’re done. And I’ll be right here for you.” Mark ensures. Fernando nods, wanting more than anything to just curl into Mark’s arms and sleep.

“I think, maybe you should go and get Andrea, Mark.” There is an edge to Sebastian’s voice that Fernando’s doesn’t understand. But he doesn’t like Sebastian any more for what he has said. Instinctively, Fernando holds Mark tighter.

“Sebastian.” Mark warns. The German folds his arms.

“Can look after Fernando for a few moments. You won’t be long.” Mark and Sebastian exchange a long look before Mark’s jaw locks. And his hold on Fernando loosens.

“No.” Fernando pleads, trying to hold onto Mark as he moves away. Mark tears his glaring eyes off Sebastian to give them softly to Fernando.

“It’s Ok, Fer. Two hours, that’s all. It will fly by.”

“Mark, no.”

“Just stay with Seb for a moment.” Mark kisses into his forehead before moving away. Fernando finds himself looking longingly after Mark, not even aware the German has got closer to him.

“Your tie is undone.” Sebastian points out. Fernando frowns at the German for a moment before looking down at the twisted black material at his neck. He sighs, rolling his eyes.

“Can you do it?” Fernando asks, straightening the bowtie out and flicking up his collar.

“Can I… What?”

“Tie the thing?” Fernando repeats, holding up the end of his bowtie. Sebastian continues to frown at him.

“Can’t you?”

“Cannot remember.” Fernando says, blushing a little embarrassedly. Sebastian opens his mouth like he is going to say something but changes his mind at the last second.

“Sure…” Sebastian nods, his shaky fingers collecting the ends of the material. An awkward silence settle between them. “So…”

“So?” Fernando repeats, finding he has little patience with ‘Seb’. Sebastian chews on the inside of his cheek.

“What was Mark doing before I came out?” He mutters, eyes glued to his hands. Fernando watches him as he drops the material, starting again.

“Do you know what you are doing?” Fernando raises an eyebrow at Sebastian as the German restarts for a third time.

“Jenson taught me how to do it on me…” Sebastian says before suddenly biting his lip. A blush streaks onto his cheeks. Fernando doesn’t understand.

“Cannot do this, leave it-” Fernando exasperates.

“-It’s fine! Give me a chance!” Sebastian swats Fernando’s hands away, starting yet again. “And don’t change the subject. What was Mark doing?”

“Is not important.” Fernando snaps.

“Fernando, it is. You still don’t remember-”

“-Everything alright here?” Mark asks, moving straight over to Fernando. Fernando takes the still untied bowtie from Sebastian’s hands and passes to Mark. Andrea frowns at his driver over Mark’s shoulder.

“What-?” Andrea starts to ask but Sebastian steps in.

“-Fernando can’t remember how to tie it.” Sebastian tattletales. Mark rolls his eyes, causing Fernando to smile at him.

“Fernando cannot remember anything.” Andrea brushes off, moving passed Sebastian. “Does Horner not want you back now?” Andrea shoots at the hovering German. Sebastian sends Mark a dark look as he finishes Fernando’s tie.

“Mark was trying to force Fernando somewhere.” Sebastian states, folding his arms. “Fernando was a mess.”

“What’s your point?” Mark hisses back at his ex-teammate. Sebastian cocks an eyebrow at him.

“Where were you taking him?” Sebastian demands. Andrea observes quietly.

“The bathroom.” Mark says confidently, turning to face Sebastian. Fernando hides just behind Mark’s shoulder, holding his hand tightly. “As you made clear he was a mess, I was trying to sort him out.”

“That’s not what it sounded like to me.” Sebastian scoffs. Mark narrowed his eyes at him.

“And you would know.”

“I have ears, Mark.”

“Maybe you should learn to use them then.”

“Oh, ok, so what are you going to do, f-?”

“-Alright, that is enough.” Andrea interrupts, causing Sebastian to hold the words on his tongue. The German continues to glare at Mark. “Come on, Fernando, please.” Andrea beckons the Spaniard away.

“Mark?” Fernando says quietly, looking up at the man whose hand he is currently trying to crush. Mark pulls their hands apart.

“Two hours, Nano. I’ll be right here waiting for you.” Mark promises, kissing Fernando’s forehead. Reluctantly the Spaniard moves back through to the function hall without Mark.

\- - - -

“Just half an hour left, Nando.” Mark mutters as Fernando stands beside him, holding his second place trophy. “Most of that will be taken up by Seb blabbing on.” He jokes.

“Then the driver’s party.” Fernando reminds, smiling round at Mark. Mark sighs, nodding his head reluctantly.

“Yeah…”

“What?” Fernando asks, worried.

“Mate, smile.” Mark chastens. Fernando forces his cheeks to cooperate as Sebastian walks towards the stage. “It’s just… Not going to be easy…”

“What, why?” Fernando frowns.

“Smile, Fernando.” Mark pushes. Rolling his eyes Fernando weakly cooperates. “Lewis isn’t going to be happy I’m there.”

“Is everyone’s party. All the driver’s go. Besides you have to help me know who everyone is.” Fernando nudges. But his joke falls flat. Instead Mark bites his lip. “Mark, will be fun.” Fernando tries. If Mark isn’t going he isn’t going, and Fernando sort of already promised Andrea he would see Lewis today.

“Yeah… Fun…” Mark is not looking forwards to forty minutes time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if you think this one ended a bit flat… I didn't want to take it too much further but I'm not sure if it just suddenly ends :/ 
> 
> *14*  
> #FrozaJules


	21. I Love You. Please Don’t Let The Past Make You Forget That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What Lewis and the others did next...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, did you miss me? :L 
> 
> Finally we're back to this! Yay! With the hope that by this time next week it shall be finished *fingers tightly crossed* Sorry it's been so long: christmas got manic. If any of you have read my advent calendar (that I finished yesterday *face palm*) then you will, of course, understand that all of my plans for finishing things before the new year went out the window :P 
> 
> Thanks for sticking about and waiting for this one - I'm glad to be back in the mindset for it ^_^  
> Just a reminder that this chapter runs directly parallel with the previous one (Chapter 20).  
> Not many left now! Hope you enjoy : )  
> Nine to go!
> 
> #ForzaJules  
> \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“So had you arranged to meet with him?” Jenson asks as they speed down the Spanish motorways. He glances in his rear-view mirror to see Lewis still sulking in the back.

“We had before Brazil…” Lewis mutters. Jenson and Nico exchange a look.

“Did you… Did you not think to remind him?” Jenson queries.

“I only found out four days ago he didn’t remember. Andrea banned me from getting into contact with him.” Lewis snarls.

“That never stopped you before.”

“Fernando never lost ten years of memory before.”

“True…” Jenson says because he doesn’t know what else to say. Nico bites his lip uncomfortably. Something is not sitting right with him. “What?” Nico turns to look at Jenson with panicked eyes. Of course Jenson has read his expression. Jenson can read him like an open book.

“Nothing…” Nico mutters, dropping his head. He flinches, startled, when Jenson’s hand rests onto his knee. A deep sadness rolls over Jenson’s face as he slowly removes his hand.

“You can tell me, Nico. You can tell me anything.” Jenson pushes, something he’s still trying to get Nico to understand. The German fiddles with the hem of his shirt.

“Not now…” Nico whispers, subtly glancing back at Lewis. Jenson just frowns at him.

“What?”

“Stop going on… Just change the subject.”

“Nico, you’re being stupid.” Jenson frowns, his eyes returning to the road. “Something is bothering you, I only want to help.”

“Right now you are definitely not.” Nico snarls quietly.

“Not what?”

“Helping!”

“Stop being a drama queen, Nico. He only wants to know why your knickers are in a twist.” Lewis states from the back, furiously trying to get through to Fernando. But it keeps ringing straight through. He’s obviously turned it off, because he’s on a plane? Nico glares at Jenson.

“Nico, just fucking tell me what’s up.” Jenson bites annoyed that, yet again, Nico is being difficult.

“Now is not the time.” Nico tries. It just confuses Jenson more.

“What? How can this not be the time? We’ve got an hour to kill in this car.” Jenson scoffs. “How much more time do you need?”

“Just drop it, Jenson.”

“Come on, man. What’s up?” Lewis asks, leaning forwards into the gap between the two front seats. “He’ll only keep bitching at you until you give it up.”

“I don’t bitch, Lewis.” Jenson nips, a frown deep set in his face. Nico sighs.

“It really doesn’t matter…”

“If it’s bad enough for Jenson to throw a tantrum about you not telling us it matters enough.” Lewis says, rolling his eyes as Nico can’t see him. This is not the first time Nico has been difficult with Jenson for no apparent reason. Jenson would have piped back with a joke but Nico is glaring at him darkly and he just doesn’t understand.

But Nico finally relents.

“Something just doesn’t…” Nico’s voice drops and he stares at his knees. Lewis frowns at him.

“Just doesn’t what?” He encourages. Nico sends another glare at Jenson.

“Doesn’t feel right…”

“What do you mean?” Nico sighs at Lewis’ question. He’s going to have to say now.

“About this Fernando stuff…” The instant regret on Jenson’s face shows he’s sorry for pushing the subject. Lewis, however, sits forwards attentively.

“What about it?”

“It’s just… To me… It doesn’t sound right. I mean, loosing ten years of memory yet the hospital discharged him?” There is a pause where no one says anything.

“So… So what are you saying?” Lewis asks slowly. Nico bites his lip.

“Lorena, Mark, Andrea… They’re the people you’ve spoken to about this, they’re the people who have told you he’s forgotten, yet he said he was fine…” Lewis thinks back to that moment. Back to the moment where Fernando yelled in the kitchen. _“Started racing in 2001! Moved to Renault in 2003! Won the championship in 2005_ and _2006! And now I drive for Ferrari! Married Mark and now am divorcing him! What more do you want! I remember!”_ Isn’t that enough proof for Lewis? Isn’t that what made him think they weren’t all making this up? But maybe Nico is right… What if Fernando didn’t say anything about them because it was still too hard? Lewis remembers that Fernando always had a problem talking about what had happened, even when the Brit begged. Lewis doesn’t understand any more. He falls back into his chair, frowning. Nico could be right; they could all be using this against him. Lorena, Mark, Andrea… They could all be trying to get Fernando and Mark back together. If Mark had drugged him to forget… The longer Fernando is exposed to him the worse this could get. Nico is right, why would a doctor discharge Fernando if he had forgotten ten years? A few weeks is fine, almost normal for amnesia patients. But ten years? Lewis agrees with his teammate. Something isn’t right.

“You shouldn’t have said anything.” Jenson chastens quietly, looking back at Lewis in the rear view mirror, concerned. Nico scoffs at him.

“I didn’t want to! You’re the one who kept going on about it!”

“You’ll looked troubled. And I know you hid things from me.”

“And there couldn’t possibly be a legitimate reason for that.” Nico snaps, folding his arms. Jenson shakes his head.

“Are you every actually going to forgive me? I don’t know what else I can do!”

“Leave me alone for a bit.” Nico huffs, looking out of his window. Jenson opens his mouth to argue but seeing the troubled look on his boyfriend’s face he lets it go.

 _Fantastic._ He thinks. Could this journey get any worse?

\- - -

“Lewis?” Jenson calls, noticing his ex-teammate isn’t behind them. Keeping a tight hold of Nico’s hand he turns back to his fellow Brit, frowning as Lewis glares at his phone. “Lewis, what-?”

“-Fernando texted.” Lewis snarls, pushing his phone aggressively into his pocket and wheeling his bag angrily towards the airport. Jenson and Nico exchange a confused look.

“Well that’s good, no?” Nico asks, looking at Jenson for clarification as they catch up to Lewis.

“No!” He snaps, laughing sarcastically.

“I don’t understand, mate.” Jenson says, unsure of what else he could say. Lewis stops abruptly, glaring at the wall.

“He wants Mark at the party.” Lewis grits, not looking at either of them. Jenson and Nico now exchange a frown.

“What? Why?” They say almost in sync.

“How the fuck should I know? I’ve been trying to get hold of him for a fucking hour and all I get is some bullshit text that just says he wants Mark there! That’s not the idea! Mark isn’t supposed to be there!” Jenson and Nico follow Lewis through towards the TSA checkpoint.

“So what are you going to do?” Nico asks quietly. Lewis exhales.

“Not really much I can do.”

“You’re going to let him come?” Jenson frowns. Lewis doesn’t answer.

“But why would he want him there in the first place?” Nico questions Jenson. “That’s really weird, because only the other day we were talking about how good the decision to leave Mark had been for him.” Nico chews thoughtfully on his lip.

“I know. I just don’t understand.” Lewis mutters, running a stressed hand over his face.

“Maybe he _has_ forgotten…” Nico muses. It isn’t a very clever thing to do.

“Lewis!” Jenson hisses as Lewis pins Nico to the wall. The German drops his bag in shock, pushing desperately on Lewis’ shoulders. But Lewis doesn’t care.

“Alright, make your mind up, Nico! This is confusing enough as it is! I don’t need you changing your mind every five fucking seconds!” Lewis rages.

“Lewis, please!” Nico gasps, still trying to pull free.

“Don’t make a scene, Lewis.” Jenson growls, also pulling at Lewis’ arms.

“Does he remember or doesn’t he!”

“I don’t know!” Nico cowers. Lewis lets go of him, shoving him back slightly and letting him slide down the wall. Before Nico knows it Lewis has walked away, leaving him on the floor.

And Jenson has dashed after him.

“Lewis, chill the fuck out.” Jenson barks, stopping Lewis’ progress by grabbing his shoulder. Lewis spins around, glaring at the older man.

“Tell your boyfriend to get his head straight then!” Lewis snarls.

“Just… Call Fernando and ask him what’s going on.” Jenson tries. Lewis shakes his head.

“No. He’s in fucking France now. Definitely won’t answer.”

“How do you know?”

“Guess?”

“We’re booked on the earliest flight though…” Jenson mutters. Lewis frowns at him. “I don’t know, but we can’t be that far behind him. Maybe he’s upstairs?” Jenson suggests. It takes Lewis three seconds to huff out another aggressive breath before he’s disappeared into the bag checks. Jenson drops his head, asking for just a little bit of calmness, before turning around about to follow Lewis. But he’s stopped. Rock still when he sees Nico just standing by the wall, bag back in hand.

_Shit…_

\- - -

In some ways it’s almost funny. But not really. Not when every five seconds Jenson has to grab Lewis’ arm and stop him from moving up the cockpit and barging over there. Jenson had been desperate to get Lewis in the window seat but Lewis was having none of it. So he is stuck on ‘Lewis-watch’, making sure the Brit doesn’t do anything he’ll regret.

“No, look, fuck this-”

“-Lewis, sit _down_.” Jenson grits again, pulling Lewis back into his seat.

“This isn’t fair, man!”

“I know but shut up and keep your head down. Don’t make a scene.” Jenson almost pleads. Nico softly takes his hand, not really feeling like he can help anymore. He feels good when Jenson squeezes his hand.

“I can’t watch this.” Lewis snarls, turning away from the two of them as the stewardess moves away, leaving them both in plain view. “This isn’t fair!” Lewis moans into his hands. Jenson opens his mouth to say something but has to close it again when Fernando snuggles into Mark. No, no this isn’t fair on Lewis. But at this point there really isn’t much to be done.

It gets worse when Lewis glances back over at them just as Fernando tries to kiss Mark.

“He’s done something to him.” Lewis declares, unbuckling his seatbelt for the umpteenth time. “I need to know what he’s done.”

“Lewis, sit down.” Jenson exasperates, taking his hand from Nico’s to pull Lewis back and strap him back down. He sends Nico an apologetic look as he threads their fingers back together.

“Just look!” Lewis bites, throwing an arm towards them. “That’s not right! That not my Ferri!”

“Keep your voice down.” Jenson begs, lowering his own in an attempt to get Lewis to do the same.

“I won’t have this.” Lewis affirms. “I won’t have-” He stops talking as Fernando nearly falls out of his chair into the aisle, not looking at anyone as he dashes down the cabin towards the front and disappearing into one of the bathrooms. Lewis looks between the bathroom and Mark now sitting on his own, a frown creeping on the Brit’s face. “What happened?”

“Huh?” Jenson asks, turning back away from Nico.

“Fernando just…” Lewis doesn’t finish his train of thought, once again getting to his feet.

“For fuck sake, Lewis.” Jenson growls, tugging sharply on the Brit’s arm and causing him to fall back into his seat. “I’m bored now, alright. Shut the fuck up and stay sat down!”

“You don’t understand! Fernando stormed off. I want to-”

“-No.” Jenson shakes his head once. Lewis frowns at him.

“No?”

“You’re not causing a scene in a tin box 15,000 feet up! No way. Wait until we’ve all got our feet back on the ground.”

“Jenson-!”

“-No arguments. I won’t go through it. Not here. It’s not fair on me, Mark _or_ Fernando.” Jenson states before turning back to Nico and pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. Lewis glares down the aisle again, more than annoyed at Jenson. But his annoyed manner falters a little when he sees no one in Mark and Fernando’s seats. It confuses him.

Unfortunately not for long.

He sees Fernando leading Mark back from the bathroom, settling into their seats before Fernando curls into him. Lewis grinds his teeth as Mark sets a soft kiss to his forehead. That should be him. Fernando should be curled into Lewis’ arms.

Mark has done something, Lewis is certain. And he’s determined to find out what.

\- - -

“Lewis I am so very sick and tired of telling you to sit the fuck down!” Jenson snarls, rubbing his temples. Nico continues to rub circles on his back as Lewis falls heavily back onto the bed, glaring at Jenson.

“Wait until we’re back on the ground, Lewis. It’s not fair to create a scene here, Lewis.” He mimics poorly. “Just how much bollocks was that?”

“Lewis, please-” Nico tries but it’s no use.

“-Are you secretly helping Mark? One of you trying to confuse me until I don’t understand anything and the other keeping us apart?” Lewis accused heavily. Jenson shakes his head.

“I’m not arguing with you again, Lewis. No. We’re not in any way helping Mark but you need to chill until tonight.”

“So why didn’t you let me talk to him at the airport!” Lewis hollers.

“Because if you had have spoken to him there you would have caused a scene which would have ended with Mark defending him and _Fernando_ wanting to leave with _Mark_.”

“So you _are_ helping him!”

“For fuck sake, Lewis, no!” Jenson exasperates. “But if you’re right and he has done something to him a few words won’t change that. Wait until tonight, then it’s your battle ground.” Lewis falls back on the bed, covering his face with his hands.

“I miss him.” Lewis mutters, small sobs breaking from his body. Nico gives Jenson a sad nod as the Brit moves across the room, pulling Lewis into his embrace.

“You wouldn’t have been able to see him properly until tonight anyway. Because he’s got the Gala, yeah?” Jenson says softly, rubbing Lewis’ arm.

“Why d-did he h-ha-ave to go with Ma-ark in t-the first pla-ace?” Lewis sighs, trying to breath normally. Jenson rocks him slightly, trying to calm him.

“None of us know, Lew.” Nico admits sadly, perching on his other side. “But we’ll find out. Tonight we will find out if he’s really forgotten or if this is Mark’s doing.” Nico assures.

“How d-do you sug-gest we-e d-do t-tha-t?” Lewis gulps. Nico just smiles lightly.

“I have an idea.”

\- - -

“Excuse me?” Jenson smiles sweetly, moving over to the front desk. The receptionist smiles at him.

“Yes, sir?”

“I was wondering if you could deliver this to a room for me? My customer forgot to leave his room number or a time to collect.”

“Oh… Ok, sir.” The woman nods, reaching for the suit bag. “The customer?”

“Mr Alonso.” Jenson smiles, putting his hand in his blazer pocket. “And if you could attach this? Just so he knows what it’s about.” The receptionist scribbles a note on a tag before taking the card from Jenson.

“No problem, sir.”

“Thank you.” He nods, smiling brightly as he walks away. He catches up with Nico and Lewis outside as Nico is stamping out his cigarette.

“All good?” Nico asks, taking Jenson’s hand.

“Easy. I said it would be.” Jenson shrugs. Lewis just nods a few times, exhaling his drag of smoke.

“Right, so that will definitely rile Mark even if Fernando doesn’t react so it’s one gauge.” Nico explains.

“And a superb one at that.” Lewis spits, still not convinced. Nico looks to Jenson for support.

“Look, Lewis, we’re only trying to help.” Jenson says. Lewis just walks off.

“Whatever.”

“Where are you going now?” Jenson calls, dragging Nico to catch up with the moody Brit. They all fall into step easily.

“If my fiancée is about to drag his ex-husband to our secret engagement party then I am going to get smashed before they turn up.” Lewis declares. Nico bites his lip. “What? No ‘Lewis you shouldn’t do that’ or ‘think it through’?” He scoffs.

“Well it’s clear we can stop you.” Jenson mutters.

“Although you’ve been doing a bloody good job all day.” Lewis bites. “Just do me a favour and both of you stay away from me tonight. I’m done with you, alright?” And with that Lewis stalks off ahead of them into the night. Jenson moves to catch him up but Nico holds him back.

“Stop it. He doesn’t want your help.” Nico tries softly. Jenson shakes his head.

“If he just-”

“-Look, Jense, there really isn’t much more we can do. We can set a few things to try and work out if Fernando can’t remember or not but that’s it. You’ve got to be honest this is kind of how you’d expect him to react. He finally had everything sorted with Fernando and suddenly that’s all gone tits up and Mark is back in the picture. He really loves him, Jense.” Nico sighs softly. Jenson cups his cheek.

“Nico I never stopped loving you. Never. Not then not now not in the future.” The Brit assures. Nico places his hand over Jenson’s forcing a small smile.

“We’re not talking about that right now.”

“You are.” Jenson says, reminding Nico, yet again, how well Jenson can read him. Nico shakes his head.

“We need to be there for Lewis tonight, even if he doesn’t want us.” Nico says, kissing Jenson’s cheek and linking their fingers once more. Jenson brings him closer.

“I love you. Please don’t let the past make you forget that.” Jenson whispers lightly, kissing Nico’s temple. Nico nods, forcing himself not to think down that route. He can’t afford to. There is something potentially worse at stake.

Because if Fernando can’t remember, Fernando can’t remember it’s a half engagement party. And if Fernando can’t remember that and is bringing Mark this could turn out to be the worst mistake of the year.

\- - -

“You’re stressed.” Jenson purrs in Nico’s ear as they dance on the dance floor. Nico holds his hips, swaying badly to the swing of the music as his sober mind fights with his drunk one. “Nico tell me.”

“Is nothing.” Nico slurs a little, gripping tighter to Jenson. Jenson lets his arms drop around the German, holding him closer.

“You’re stressed.” Jenson repeats, brushing Nico’s hair out of his face with the hand holding his beer. “Talk to me, darling, please.” Jenson deflates, resting their foreheads together. Nico shuffles closer to Jenson until his lips are in line with the Brit’s ear. He takes a deep breath.

“It’s-”

“-SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE THROWING MY HANDS UP IN THE AIR!” Lyrics are suddenly screamed around them as Jenson’s arms are thrown in the air. Nico slips back to his usual high, gripping on to the front of Jenson’s shirt for dear life. Daniel appears grinning on Jenson’s left, holding the Brit’s shoulder and trying to get him to jump with the beat.

“You know what am saying, Adrian…” Lewis stutters drunkenly his hand in a vice like grip on Adrian’s shoulder.

“Lewis, have drunk a lot.” Adrian explains, trying to get the fourth bottle of wine out of Lewis’ hand.

“But he should be here with me!” Lewis whines, clutching the bottle close. Adrian looks around for help but everyone seems to have escaped to the dance floor. “What does he even see in that tall, oafy Australasian?”

“Australian.” Adrian corrects, forcing Lewis to let go of him. “Do not know, Lewis. Maybe should ask him.”

“I will.” Lewis nods defiantly, pushing to his feet. He slips, ending up sitting on the floor under the table. He looks up at Adrian, laughing before suddenly those laughs become sobs. Adrian takes his chance, dashing for the others prating around on the dance floor.

“Alright, up we get…” Lewis sags into whomever’s arms are dragging him back onto the seat. He reaches for the bottle of wine as his saviour places it on the table but it is pushed further away.

“Mmuhmph!” Lewis pouts, trying again to reach for the wine.

“Stop it.” Nico Hulkenberg says, sitting beside Lewis to make sure he does not fall.

“Want my Ferri…” Lewis pouts.

“You know he’s forgotten, right? He’s forgotten what happened between Mark and he. He’s forgotten everything. That’s why he’s with Mark and not you-”

“-But are getting married!” Lewis wails, head falling into Nico’s lap. Nico sits awkwardly for a moment, patting Lewis’ shoulder.

“I think we should head back to the hotel, yeah? They’ll be done with the Gala soon and then you can see Fernando.”

“I love him…” Lewis sighs happily, slouching in the chair as Nico straightens him up again. “With all and every bit of my heart.”

“Ok, Lewis.” Nico nods, gaining Jenson’s attention and getting him to start collaring everyone together.

“And he loves me with all and everything of his heart.”

“Get up for me, we’re going to go find him now.” Nico says wrapping an arm around Lewis and lifting him from the seat. Manoeuvring them both out of the booth is more challenging than Nico expects.

“We’re getting married…” Lewis begins to sing in a horribly off key tune.

“Sure.” Nico nods, ushering Lewis to the front door.

“We’re getting married in the morning and then we’ll push Mark down a cliff.” Lewis continues to sing. Nico just shrugs when Jenson frowns at him, only catching the end of the song that Lewis has now decided to sing on repeat.

“He needs to stop that before we get back.” Jenson explains to both Nico’s as Daniel takes on Lewis, drunkenly trying to echo his song. And then Jean-Eric joins in, more giggling than singing. It’s fair to say if this doesn’t stop there is going to be more of a problem. “Alright, Hulkie, get him drinking water and shut the three of them up.” Jenson directs.

“Thanks, such an easy job.” Nico Hulkenberg narrows his eyes before setting off in the direction of Lewis and the rest of the grid. Nico Rosberg moves to follow them but finds himself held still. He frowns round at Jenson.

“So now you’re super stressed and worrying me.” Jenson says, cupping Nico’s cheek. “Talk to me?”

“It’s this Fernando situation.” Nico sighs, curling into Jenson’s arms. Jenson holds him tightly. “If Lewis says something that lets Mark know they’re planning on getting married… And if Mark has a go at Fernando about it but if Fernando really doesn’t remember anything-”

“-Nico, breath, yeah…” Jenson coos, tucking the German under his arm. Nico still clings to him tightly. “Everything will be fine. We’ll make sure it all stays in check.”

“Yes?” Nico asks, still completely unsure.

“Of course.” Jenson nods, feeling like he’s lying. Because the same thoughts have been stressing him out all week.


	22. No, Please. Not Now...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patience is running thin...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eight to go!
> 
> #ForzaJules  
> \- - - - - - - - - -

“Mark, can we go now.” Fernando begs for the hundredth time, still trying to slide his hand into Mark’s. He refused to return to his table after the ceremony which made for a very confused Christian Horner but Fernando didn’t care. He wants out of here and he’ll do exactly what he has to to do so. “Mark, please.”

“Mate, talk to Andrea for a bit. I just need to talk to someone.” Mark explains, still trying to make a gap between Fernando and he. Fernando shakes his head.

“Mark, please. Want to go.”

“Two minutes, Nano. I need to ask someone something…”

“Mark!” Fernando calls, following the Australian against the flow of people leaving the function hall. Fernando tries to keep up but somehow Mark is slipping through the people that all want to talk to Fernando. Fernando doesn’t even care if he looks like he’s about to break down in the middle of everyone. He wants Mark to come back. He wants Mark-

“-Fernando?” Andrea catches his arm, pulling him to a stop. Concern covers his face as he sees Fernando on the brink of tears. “Woah, woah, what is wrong?” Andrea asks soothingly, dragging Fernando to the edge of the room. Fernando looks back over his shoulder and sees Mark leaning towards a chair but the crowd of people prevent Fernando from seeing whom he is talking to. “Fernando, relax.” Andrea mutters, sitting the Spaniard in a vacant chair. Fernando still tries to look around people to see whom Mark is talking to. He looks annoyed… “Fernando?” Andrea clicks his fingers in front of Fernando’s face, snapping his attention back.

“Need to go to Mark.” Fernando says, slightly breathlessly. He gets to his feet.

_Of course. He left you when you most needed him._

The room sways.

“Ok.” Fernando blinks, falling heavily back into his seat as he tries to make the room stop moving. _No, please, not now._ Fernando begs. He just wants to get back to Mark. “Feel dizzy?” Andrea asks, crouching in front of Fernando. Fernando looks across the room as Mark straightens up.

“Mark-”

“-Are not going anywhere until you tell me what is going on.” Andrea states slightly firmly. Fernando looks down at him, searching his eyes for a reasonable excuse out of this. “Are you feeling dizzy again?”

“No. Am fine.”

“Fernando-”

_“This is understandable. Is Ok to feel like this.” Andrea’s voice is soft. Fernando doesn’t think he’s ever heard him speak so softly before. He sniffs, trying to stop the tears flowing down his cheeks but there is just no use._

“Andrea.” Fernando squints his eyes closed, gripping tightly to the Italian’s arm. Andrea watches Fernando cautiously, trying to understand.

“What? What can I do?”

“Just…”

_I… I d-did n-not wan-nt to-to g-give it-t –bac-ck…_

“What’s going on?” Mark’s annoyance washes away as he moves swiftly over to Fernando and Andrea. The Italian looks most relieved to see him.

“Do not know.” Andrea explains, rubbing softly at Fernando’s arm. He’s trying not to wince at the pain Fernando is shooting up his arm but he’s gripping quite tightly.

“Nano?” Mark mutters gently. “He’s holding his breath.”

“What? Why?” Andrea frowns, now completely confused and scared. Mark shakes his head.

“I don’t know!” Mark bites. He turns to see a few people staring. “He can’t do this here.”

“So what do you propose we do?” Andrea frowns. Fernando startles them both as he gasps for breath, falling forwards and covering his eyes. “Fernando?”

“No…” The Spaniard moans, breathing sharply. Mark hooks him into his embrace as Andrea dashes across the almost empty room.

“It’s alright, Nano. We’ve got you.”

“Do not want to give it back!” Fernando wails, his voice muffled by Mark’s shoulder.

“You don’t have to give anything back, Nano. You can keep it. I want you to keep it.” Mark coos lightly. Andrea returns with a glass of water.

“Fernando? Drink this, yes? Nice deep breaths.” He tries, rubbing circles into Fernando’s back as he sips on the water. After a few mouthfuls Fernando deflates back into Mark, his eyes a little red.

“Do not leave me again…” Fernando whispers, feeling exhausted. It has been a long night. Mark kisses his forehead.

“Are you good to go?” Fernando curls his hand into Mark’s shirt, smiling lightly.

“Are the best words you have said all night…”

“I’ll bet.” Mark smiles back, planting yet another kiss on Fernando’s forehead. “Come on.” He pulls Fernando to his feet, heading towards the exit.

“Mark.” Andrea says, still standing with his arms folded as he has been as he observed Mark and Fernando’s exchange. Fernando slips their fingers together as Mark turns back to Andrea. “Do not do anything stupid.”

“I won’t?” Mark says in a questioning voice, not sure what Andrea is referring to.

“Make sure Lewis sees him tonight.”

“Yes, Andrea. Don’t worry I won’t forget.” There is a bitterness to Mark’s voice that Andrea has come to expect.

“Is only fair.” Mark doesn’t dignify Andrea with a response, pulling Fernando out of the function hall and heading towards the lifts. What’s fair and what’s not fair is really not something Mark wishes to define; he knows his answer will be very different to Andrea’s. Fernando stays quiet, just looking at Mark and trying to not smile too much about that fact they are still holding hands.

“Do you want to go straight there or do you need a five minute breather?” Mark asks once the lift has closed, wrapping his arms tightly around Fernando’s waist.

“Can we just… Go back to the room for a little while?”

“Of course. No problem, mate.” Mark smiles, threading his fingers into Fernando’s hair. Fernando lets his eyes roll shut, smiling into the touch. “So are you going to tell me what you remembered?” Mark says softly. Fernando looks blankly at Mark for a moment.

“I-”

“-Don’t even _think_ about trying to tell me that’s not what just happened.” Mark tuts. Fernando panics. He pulls Mark down to him, catching his lips and rushing them into a passionate kiss. Mark stumbles back slightly as Fernando throws himself onto him, roaming his mouth with his tongue. It doesn’t take much for Mark to fall into the moment, one hand messing through Fernando’s hair whilst the other slides up the back of his shirt. Fernando pushes Mark against the wall as the lift dings. Mark knows they’re not on their floor yet so he pushes back into Fernando, turning them slightly and trying to get the upper hand.

“Is that lift there yet, Nico?” Mark breaks from Fernando slightly, looking out of the open doors of the lift. Fernando kisses down his neck as Mark locks eyes with Nico Rosberg, standing looking completely shell shocked on the other side of the doors. Before Nico can answer, Mark manoeuvres Fernando so he can press the close door button, poking it furiously until the doors slide shut, hiding Nico from view.

Mark moves to push Fernando off him but the Spaniard uses the opportunity of movement to pin Mark against the wall again, connecting their lips once more. Mark can’t help but moan softly as Fernando presses their bodies together, circling his hips. He knows they should stop this. They _really_ should stop this before it all gets out of hand. But he can’t. He doesn’t want to give Fernando up.

“I love you.” Fernando breaths, kissing Mark’s nose as the doors slide open. Before he realises what’s going on Fernando is dragging him towards their room, trying to peel Mark’s clothes off as they walk.

“Fernando, you need to chill-”

“-No, please.” Fernando begs, trapping himself between the door and Mark. Mark shakes his head.

“We shouldn’t do this.”

“Keep saying that but I know you want this as much as me.” Fernando says, still kissing at Mark’s neck. “Please.”

“What about Lewis’ party?” Mark asks, unlocking the door.

“So will be late.” Fernando shrugs, pushing back on it and dragging Mark into the room. “Are already late.” They’re falling back on the bed before Mark can stop them, but, making sure the door is closed, Mark doesn’t think he wants to stop Fernando anymore.

“You’re tie is undone, mate.” Mark smirks, pulling at the material until it spins out of its bow. Fernando arches his back as Mark undoes his shirt buttons, revealing his bare torso to the room. He runs his hand from Fernando’s collar to his waistband, kissing at the Spaniard’s neck to absorb the moan of pleasure he gets for it. “Fuck…”

“Mark?” Fernando pants, resting up on his elbows as Mark throws his blazer across the room. “So is yours.” With a sexual look in his eyes, Fernando pulls on the end of Mark’s bowtie, pulling the Australian down until they are once again connected.

\- - -

“Nico?” Jenson asks, appearing by the German’s side when Nico doesn’t reply to him. Nico looks like he’s just seen a ghost. “You Ok?”

“Yeah, no lift yet.” Nico laughs manically. It makes Jenson more concerned.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Nothing.” Nico hisses with a stern look as Lewis stumbles towards them.

“Where the fuck is Fernando?” Lewis demands. Nico bites his lip.

“Keep drinking your water, Lewis.” Jenson sighs.

“No.” Lewis spits, taking a long swing from a vodka bottle. Jenson folds his arms, looking at Lewis with an expression of distain.

“Kimi is here then.”

“You told me Fernando would be here and he’s not.” Lewis accuses, splashing vodka down himself in the process.

“The Gala has only just finished, give him a chance.”

“Seb is here.”

“Good for Seb.” Jenson snaps. He’s really reached his limit with Lewis today. And right now he’s more concerned about Nico.

The lift dings.

Horror shoots through Nico.

“Was that Fernando?” Nico says suddenly, pointing towards the wall. His voice three pitches too high. Jenson just frowns at him more, wondering if Nico has really lost it now but Lewis spins around.

“Where!” He asks, a voice of drunken wonder. Nico stands, glaring wide-eyed at the lift as the doors slide open. He exhales in relief when he notes it’s empty.

“Just my reflection…” Nico breathes.

“How could you think your reflection was Ferri!” Lewis barks, aggressively stepping towards Nico. Jenson pushes himself between them.

“Lewis, how about you go and check Fernando isn’t already in the party, yeah?” Jenson threats. Lewis shrugs harshly out of his hold.

“Probably with Mark and his hands all over him! Great fucking shit help you two have been today! This is supposed to be _my_ night!” Lewis hollers, stumbling back towards the sound of the music. “MY NIGHT!”

“Think we should go.” Nico says quickly, stepping into the lift. Jenson is one step behind him.

“Do you really think more alcohol is wise?” The Brit queries as the doors slide shut. Nico shakes his head, crouching to the floor and holding his cheeks, still unable to bring his eyes closed to a normal size.

“Fucking hell, Jenson, this just got so much worse…” Nico mumbles. Jenson frowns down at him.

“What?”

“I’ve just seen Fernando and Mark making out in a lift…” Nico covers his eyes but the images steal the attention of his mind’s eye.

“You what?”

“I don’t know who started it. The doors opened and they were just… There. Then Mark shut the door and-”

“-How much have you been drinking, Nico?” Jenson asks, leaning casually against the wall. Nico looks up at him.

“Sorry?”

“Well you’ve got yourself a mouthful of bullshit there.” Jenson laughs. Nico glares at him, getting back to his feet.

“I’m sorry?”

“No, don’t be. Alcohol has us all talking shit I guess.”

“Are you telling me I’m lying?” Nico asks in disbelief. Jenson frowns at him again.

“You’re telling me you actually saw Mark and Fernando making out in this lift.”

“Yes.”

“Just now?”

“ _Yes._ ”

“Impossible.” Jenson shakes his head, walking out of the lift as they reach the ground floor. Nico gaps after him.

“So you _are_ calling me a liar?”

“Nico, Fernando and Mark are probably only just leaving the Gala. Sebastian said they were talking to Andrea when he left. You didn’t see them.”

“I fucking did!” Nico yells.

“Don’t make a fucking scene, Nico.”

“How is it that I can fucking believe whatever comes out of that venomous hole you call a mouth but you can’t believe anything I say!”

“Nico-!”

“-No, Jenson. Fuck. Off. You didn’t want a scene? TOUGH FUCKING TITS!” Nico bellows before spinning on his heels and getting back in the lift. Jenson walks straight into the doors as they close. Rubbing his nose he steps back completely lost.

What the hell just happened?

\- - -

“I’m serious, you never do that.” Mark smiles, holding Fernando closer to him.

“Is the new me.” Fernando beams.

“The new you weirds me out, mate.”

“Well then, next time the new me will not offer round two.” Fernando giggles as Mark rolls them over so he is on top again.

“I’m too old to be ready for a round two that fast.”

“Could help you out?” Fernando shrugs, looking down between them. “Look Ok to me…”

“After glow, give it thirty seconds and that will be gone as well.”

“Ahh, think am understanding why I leave you now.” Fernando jokes, exhaling contently. He bites his lip when he realises what he has said, opening his eyes cautiously.

Mark happily steps around the awkward moment.

“Right, you. Arse in shower.” Mark directs, tapping Fernando’s thigh. Fernando holds him tighter as he tries to climb off of him.

“Am I leaving the rest of me here? Maybe are ready for a round two….”

“Kinky little shit.” Mark kisses Fernando chastely. “Now get in the shower. We were supposed to be heading to Lewis’ party an hour ago.” Reluctantly, Fernando lets Mark go, pouting as the cool air filters between them.

“Will you also be in the shower?” Fernando asks, lying shamelessly naked in the middle of the bed. Mark throws the duvet at him.

“If you move fast. Otherwise I’m going to use up all the warm water.”

“Mark?”

“Yes, Nano?”

“… You are naked.”

“Don’t get all bashful on me now. You were quite happy about that fact ten minutes ago.” Mark winks, disappearing into the shower.

“I love you.” Fernando smiles to the ceiling. He hears the water begin to hit the shower bed, knowing any minute Mark is going to drag him up from his sated, comfortable position.

“Get in the shower now and I can love you some more.” Mark grins, only his head visible in the doorway.

“Like the sound of this.” Fernando gets to his feet quickly, catching Mark in a kiss as he pushes the Australian back into the shower.

“My, we are being an assertive little fuck tonight aren’t we?”

“Someone has to be.” Fernando shrugs.

“I’m going to make you pay for that comment.” Mark threatens, his voice dripping with sensuality.

“Bite me, old man.” Fernando teases.

They break their kiss as someone knocks on the door. Fernando freezes as he locks eyes with Mark.

“No, that won’t be Lewis.” Mark assures though he’s not confident. Fernando shakes his head at him.

“Do not know this.”

“… True.”

“Mark!”

“Fernando?” Both of the occupants in the shower look towards the door in relief. That’s not Lewis’ voice.

“Do not use all the hot water.” Fernando kisses before slipping out of the shower and grabbing one of the towel robes off the back of the door. He ties it tightly around his waist as he pulls the bathroom door until it’s nearly closed. “Andrea?” Fernando frowns as he opens the door. Andrea lets himself in, putting the suit bag on the messy bed. It takes him three seconds to realise why Fernando had not yet made it to Lewis’ party.

“Said nothing stupid, Mark!” Andrea calls towards the bathroom, folding his arms and looking at Fernando. Fernando blushes.

“How can I help?”

“First came to drop this off, woman at reception says someone left it at the front for you.” Andrea states, tapping the suit bag. Fernando moves towards it, unzipping the top. He picks up the card, frowning. “Second I come to check have gone to Lewis’, which clearly have not.” Fernando abandons the card, blushing a deeper red and opening his mouth to explain. Andrea holds his hand up. “Do not want to hear it.” Mark slowly moves out of the bathroom, wearing a very similar attire to Fernando. Andrea rolls his eyes. “Thirdly Stefano and Luca want you to come to Italy tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” Mark frowns. Andrea continues to look at Fernando.

“Is this Ok?”

“Why am I needed in Italy?” Fernando feels completely lost and this new piece of information doesn’t make sense to any part of his head.

“Ferrari have a test planned at Fiorano. We just…” It’s now Andrea’s turn to blush. “We just want to make sure that your accident has not impaired your driving skills.”

_Right, yes, because I drive for Ferrari now…_

“That’s a little harsh, no?” Mark scoffs. Andrea raises an eyebrow at him.

“Has forgotten ten years, Mark. Want to make sure he has not forgotten anything important.” Andrea’s tone turns serious. “As much as you may be kidding yourselves Fernando is not back to normal yet. Still thinks is 2003 and until he has remembered everything we must test to make sure he is still the driver we signed.”

“Anything else?” Mark grits. Andrea turns to look back at Fernando who seems to have shrunk into himself, acting like a child being told off by their father.

“Get yourselves to Lewis’ party, yes? Do not need any more drama.”

“This is completely out of line.” Mark snarls once Andrea has left. Fernando just shrugs.

“I understand. To be fair will feel better myself if I have the test.”

“But what if they tell you you’re not good enough? It’s bullshit. You’re the best driver on the grid.” Mark defends. Fernando doesn’t have anything to say. He might have been the best before his crash, but now? Fernando can’t justify anyone’s opinion. Andrea is right; they need to make sure his driving hasn’t been impaired by the incident.

“Will be fine.” Fernando shrugs. Mark still looks unconvinced but he drops it, for now.

“Come on then, shower then off to Lewis’.” Mark says with much distain. Fernando looks at the floor.

“Am not in the mood any more…”

“Mate, with or without me you need to shower.” Mark smirks, moving towards Fernando and untying his robe to reveal the stains on his stomach that are slowly drying. “So?” Fernando kisses Mark briefly.

“With you.” He smiles, taking the Australian’s hand and leading them both back into the bathroom.


	23. Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed and Something Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Testing lies only to reveal the actual truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo hoo! I'm back with this one and have pretty much got them all planned now! So hopefully it won't be too long until this one is finished :D I don't even want to think about how long it's taken :L 
> 
> On a different note there is a warning for this chapter:
> 
> THIS CHAPTER INCLUDES MENTIONS AND SCENES OF NON-CON
> 
> Read with discretion.
> 
> Seven left!
> 
> #ForzaJules  
> \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Fernando straightens the collar on his shirt, looking at himself in the mirror and wondering if the tie would be a bit too much. He still doesn’t really understand why he’s got the suit but it’s here so he supposes he’s got to wear it. Maybe it is something Lewis planned for him, or something they planned before the accident. Fernando shakes his head, trying to push the cold, nauseous feeling from his stomach. No, he wouldn’t do that to Mark. This must just be a coincidence. Besides, there is no meaning behind the suit, is there? He can’t remember one if there is.

Still waiting for Mark to return from the bathroom, Fernando fiddles which his hair, nervously rolling up the sleeves of his shirt and then unrolling them whilst faffing around with the top button. Should this be this hard? Should it be this awkward for him just to go to a party? Fernando decides he’s being ridiculous. It won’t be hard. He’ll just go and stay with Mark, maybe have a little bit of fun. As long as he sticks with Mark this will all be Ok. Mark can help him out if he doesn’t know something or someone. Mark can get him through this.

Fernando freezes, mid sleeve-roll, as he thinks about how Lewis will probably not make that possible.

“Aww, you got dressed without me.” Mark pouts as he moves behind Fernando, wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. Fernando relaxes back into his hold as his arms come around his waist. “Shame…”

“One of us has to make sure we leave, no?” Fernando smiles, looking at Mark through the reflection of the mirror. Mark kisses lightly at his neck.

“Suppose.” As he steps away from the Spaniard Fernando turns around, causing Mark to frown. “What?”

“No… Nothing.” Fernando smiles too innocently. Mark folds his arms.

“What?”

“Nothing!” Fernando laughs. Still feeling dubious, Mark drops his towel, moving across the room to get a clean shirt out. Fernando can’t help but bite his lip, still not entirely used to exactly how Mark’s body makes him feel. He shamelessly takes in as much of Mark’s body as possible, his hand gripping tightly to the dresser behind him.

“Oi!” In one fluid motion Mark kicks up the towel from the floor and throws it at Fernando’s face. Blushing a little Fernando blusters with the towel until his vision is returned to him. But Mark has already got his trousers on. “If I don’t get to watch you dress you don’t get to watch me.” Mark smiles, pulling on his shirt. “Those are the rules, buddy.”

“Do not like these rules…” Fernando pouts, letting the towel slip from his hands. He crosses to Mark before the Australian gets a chance to button up his shirt, slipping his hands under the blue material and feeling the warmth of Mark’s skin beneath his fingertips. He can’t help but hum in appreciation.

“Ahh, come on, mate. At least be fair…” Mark sighs, his arms wrapping around Fernando’s shoulders. Fernando just looks up at him, connecting their eyes before he leaves a soft, slow kiss on Mark’s torso. Mark can’t stop his grip tightening on the man in his arms. “Fuck.”

“Later.” Fernando smiles, watching his hands dust down Mark’s chest before taking a step back from him. “Are already very late.”

“Tease.” Mark exhales. Fernando’s hands reach the buttons on his shirt before his even move, slowly hiding his skin from the room.

“You best believe it.” Fernando grins, placing a chaste kiss on Mark’s lips once all the buttons are done up. Mark can’t help but watch him as he moves back across the room, collecting up his watch from the bedside table. Sometimes Mark just cannot believe how lucky his is that Fernando clung to his life. He can always take his breath away, leaving him feeling unsteady on his feet. It makes him wonder sometimes why he ever-

It suddenly hits him and his smile crashes to the floor.

“What are you wearing?” Fernando abandons his attempts on fastening his watch at the change in Mark’s tone. They frown at each other before Fernando looks down at his attire.

“I…”

“Where did you get that from?” Fernando can’t tell if Mark is angry or upset. His eyes flash scared as Mark advances on him. He lets the soft collar of the red shirt run through his fingers before he crouches at Fernando’s feet, pulling his trouser up. _He’s even got the fucking socks…_ Mark sways as he gets back to his feet.

“Mark?” Fernando’s worried tone cuts into his as the Spaniard tries to stabilise him with hands on his shoulders. But Mark knocks his hands away, hiding his hurt with his anger.

“Where did you get that?” Mark bites. Fernando doesn’t understand.

“What is wrong?”

“What is-?” Mark catches his growing anger. He’s not going down that path again. “Where did you get that suit, Fernando?”

“Andrea brings it… Says someone leaves it downstairs for me…” Mark would be worrying about calming an upset Fernando down if he wasn’t so intent on working out who had given _that_ suit to Fernando. _No, Lewis wouldn’t stoop this low. What would he be trying to achieve from this?_ But as Mark’s fingers find the card attached to the suit bag he is proved one hundred per cent right.

_Wear this for our special occasion – L x_

Mark crumples the card in his hand.

“What… What is it?” Mark turns around to see Fernando frowning down at his shirt. Maybe that is the most painful thing about this whole charade: Fernando doesn’t fucking remember the significance of that suit.

“It’s nothing, Fer.” Mark breathes, trying to calm himself down. He blinks his eyes open when he feels Fernando’s hand on his cheek.

“Is special?” Fernando tries, desperately trying to put two and two together and work out why this suit has Mark in such a state. Mark just blinks at him, looking deep into his eyes.

“You really don’t remember?” Mark’s voice is almost begging and it breaks Fernando down. He drops his head, resting it on Mark’s chest.

“Am sorry-”

“-It’s fine. If you don’t remember it doesn’t matter.”

“Mark-”

“-Shall we get this over with?” Mark steps around Fernando, opening the door. Fernando really doesn’t want to go; especially not now Mark seems so upset - even if he is hiding it. But he promised Andrea. And really, what is the worst that can happen?

“Will go just for an hour.” Fernando says, walking out past Mark. Mark grabs his room key from the side.

“Whatever you want, Nano.” Mark smiles, the expression not even getting close to his eyes. How can it? How can it when he has to spend another evening with Fernando wearing that? When Fernando doesn’t even know what is so special about that particular suit? He doesn’t even known where to begin on how Lewis got hold of it. Right down to the fucking blue socks. Leanne wanted them to be more traditional. Leanne wanted to make it ‘proper’ and was sworn by that silly little rhyme.

_Something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue._

Taking Fernando’s waiting hand Mark leads them to the lifts, hoping the next hour won’t be too hard to get through.

\- - - -

It becomes clear quickly that everyone else has been at this party a lot longer than they had first anticipated. Fernando instantly falls behind Mark as the lift doors open, gripping tightly to the hand he has refused to let go of. Mark knows it’s only a matter of time before they’re pulled apart. He just hopes Fernando doesn’t make too much of a scene when they eventually are.

“Ok?” Mark asks, even though it is very clear Fernando is not Ok. He looks petrified, as if cowering from the sound of the music. But bravely he gives two nods, pressing himself as close as possible to Mark’s back as the Australian leads them towards the thumbing base and the babble of talk.

It works well for them that the party is in full swing when they enter; no one seems to even notice they’ve arrived. Fernando stumbles over Mark’s foot as he tries desperately to stay close to the Australian, scared that if they get separated they won’t find each other again.

 “Look, Seb has been here for a fucking hour!” Mark recognises the approaching voice instantly and turns to face Fernando. The look in the Spaniard’s eye makes him certain Fernando knows who it is as well.

“He’ll be here. Just calm down.” The second voice is new to Fernando. He grips his hand tightly in Mark’s shirt.

“How about we go and get a drink, yeah?” Mark asks quietly, brushing the hair out of Fernando’s face. Fernando just nods, taking hold of Mark’s hand.

“I’m going to go and find him.”

“You’re going no where in this state.”

 “What if Mark has him?”

“Lewis, calm down. Drink this.”

“Fuck off. I don’t want that.”

“Just drink it!”

“Adrian, what if Mark has him… What if Mark is drugging him?”

“He’s not-”

“-Mark! You made it!” Mark closes his eyes, cursing the drunk and stumbling Jenson as the Brit rushes towards him, throwing his arms around his neck. Mark has to let go of Fernando’s hand to stop Jenson and him from falling over, but by time his eyes flick to the man beside him Nico has pulled him out of the way.

“Yeah, hi Jense.” Mark says distractedly, watching as Nico leads Fernando out onto the balcony. Mark straightens Jenson up before heading in Fernando’s direction.

“Woah! Wait!” Jenson grabs his wrist, pulling Mark back. Mark shakes him off just in time to see Lewis slipping out onto the balcony.

“What?” Mark snaps, glaring at the Brit. Jenson lets go of Mark’s wrist, sobering up oddly fast.

“Did he know what it was?” Jenson asked, not a slur in his voice. Mark narrows his eyes at him.

“What?”

“Did Fernando know what the suit was?” It takes four seconds for Mark’s brain to catch up.

“You?”

“Did he know what it was?”

“Why the fuck have you done this?” Mark grits his teeth, towering over Jenson. Jenson just looks at him, looking deep into Mark’s eyes. It’s clear Jenson isn’t even a little drunk: it was an act.

“Yeah, you’re going to start a fight right now, aren’t you?”

“Don’t fucking push me.”

“Or what?” Jenson spits, not backing down. “You’ll do what you did last time? Didn’t change anything, did it? Just reflected what a fucking monster you are.” Mark spun on his heels, storming off towards the balcony where Fernando was, trying to ignore the stares of the other people in the room. “He doesn’t, does he? For once you’re not actually lying?” Jenson sounds almost shocked but Mark doesn’t even dignify him with a response.

Someone walks straight into him as he opens the door. Mark frowns down at Fernando, before looking over his shoulder towards Lewis and Nico.

“FERRI! COME BACK!”

“Lewis, you need to calm down!” Nico is physically trying to restrain Lewis as the Brit reaches desperately for Fernando. Fernando pushes on Mark, trying to get him to go back inside.

“What happened?” Mark asks as Fernando tucks himself under his arm. Mark leads them back across the room, sitting Fernando down on a vacant chair. Fernando just shakes his head.

“Do not leave me again.”

“Fernando, you need to tell me what’s going on.” Mark mutters, crouching in front of Fernando. The Spaniard just shakes his head.

“Nothing…” Mark knows something happened between Lewis and Fernando whilst Jenson was ‘distracting’ him and his hatred for both of the Brits triples.

“You’re sure?”

“Just leave it…” Fernando hangs his head, trying desperately to forget everything that just happened. Mark cups his cheek, making Fernando look at him.

“You know he’s going to come back in and find you, yeah? He’s going to want to talk to you, without me-”

“-Then do not let him.” Fernando begs, his eyes wide in fear. Mark looks sadly at him.

“You have to let him talk to you, Nano. It’s only fair…”

“But does not want to talk!” Fernando’s panic has him shaking. “Does not…”

“Aright, Fernando, shh...” Mark coos, wrapping his arms around the Spaniard. Fernando grips tightly to Mark’s back. “Stay right here and I’ll go and get us a drink, yeah?”

“I come-”

“-I’m just going across the room. I’ll be back before you even know I’ve gone.” Setting a delicate kiss to Fernando’s forehead, Mark stood.

“Mark?”

“Yes?”

“… Te amo…” Fernando muttered, not looking away from the Australian. Mark brushed their lips together before moving across the room, disappearing into the crowd. Fernando’s eyes flicked around the room, searching for a safe spot. But he should really stay here; Mark would come back and find him here. He didn’t like it though, he felt too exposed. He could see the door to the balcony from where he was sitting. It was too close for comfort.

_“Nice shirt.” Nico says, fishing his lighter out of his pocket._

_“Thanks…” Fernando mutters, still looking for a way to get back inside. He’s not interested for Nico’s small talk; he wants to get back to Mark._

_“Have you-”_

_“-Ferri?” Nico and Fernando look towards the door as Lewis stumbles out. His face brightens as he looks at Fernando but Nico seems much more wearing of his friend._

_“Lewis, just-” Before Nico has a chance to stop him Lewis barges past him, catching Fernando in a deep kiss as his hand fights with the fastening of his trousers. In a blind panic Fernando pushes back on Lewis’ shoulders, sending his fist forwards in a desperate attempt to get Lewis away from him. He makes contact with something but doesn’t wait to find out what as he rushes back towards the door, slamming into whoever was coming out of it…_

In hindsight, Fernando knows he probably shouldn’t have hit Lewis but he was scared and confused and startled. He just wanted Lewis off him and not trying to touch him like that. He didn’t understand and he just knew that he was safe in Mark’s arms. If he thought about it he doesn’t think he would even want Mark touching him like that. Not without his Ok. It made him feel horrible and dirty. Fernando shook his head, shrinking into himself.

He sat bolt upright when he saw the door open and Lewis and Nico walk back inside.

Fernando panicked. All thoughts of Mark returning to him vacant from his mind as he searched for his escape. Why did he not know any of the people here? Why were they all strangers to him? He is sure he could go up to any of them and start taking to them but right now that doesn’t seem like the point. He wants someone who understands that he doesn’t get anything, doesn’t ‘know’ anyone. He wants someone who isn’t going to question why he’s running from Lewis and towards Mark. Someone, Fernando thinks he might be Romain, steps out of the way and Fernando sees Nico Hulkenberg talking with a shorter brunette guy. But he doesn’t care for the other guy; Nico knows Fernando doesn’t remember. Besides Mark he is his best shot.

Lewis spots him and he knows he’s running out of time. Fernando is on his feet when someone grabs the top of his arm. Moments later he is being pulled into a hug. He still wants to get to Nico but he already knows it’s too late.

“I’ve missed you.” Lewis breathes in his ear, making cold shivers shoot down his spin. Fernando pushes away from him, still feeling extremely weary.

“Where is Nico?” Fernando asks, hoping that if the German is around nothing else will happen. But Lewis steps closer to him, running a hand under his open collar. Fernando balls his hands into fists.

“Thought we could go somewhere a little more private to talk…” Lewis purrs in Fernando’s ear. Fernando pushes away from him.

“Lewis.” Fernando visibly relaxes as he looks to see Mark standing beside him with two drinks in his hands. Fernando beams at the Australian but Mark is only glaring at Lewis. Lewis just casually wraps an arm around Fernando’s shoulders, pulling the Spaniard closer.

“Mark.” He says curtly. “So _glad_ you could make it.” Lewis sneers, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

“The pleasure is all mine.” Mark returns in a very similar tone.

“Ferri and I were about to go and… discuss something.” Lewis smirks making Mark’s jaw lock. “So thanks for these.” Plucking both drinks out of Mark’s hands he passes one to Fernando. “Maybe we’ll catch you later.”

“Actually-” Fernando starts but Lewis silences him with a kiss.

“Goodbye, Mark.” Lewis states, trying to lead Fernando away. Fernando steps out of his hold.

“Have this. Will get my-” Fernando tries to pass his drink to Mark but Mark shakes his head.

“No. It’s all right. I’ll get my own.” Mark says to Lewis. Fernando looks up at Mark with pleading eyes.

“Is fine I can-”

“-It’s Ok, Fernando.” Mark catches Fernando’s cheek, talking to him gently.

“Finally worked it all out then, Mark?” Lewis pokes but Mark ignores him, eyes only for Fernando.

“Tú eres mi todo, Fernando, y yo te amaré siempre.” Mark implores, kissing Fernando’s forehead, his eyes sliding to Lewis. Fernando grabs his wrist, dragging his attention back.

“Te amaré hasta el fin del mundo, Mark. Mi corazón pertenece a usted.”

“What did he say to you?” Lewis asks once Mark has walked away. Fernando doesn’t answer, just staring after the Australian and wishing more than anything that he could follow him across the room.

\- -

Mark grits his teeth and turns his back as Lewis leads Fernando out of the room. He doesn’t want to leave Fernando alone with the vermin for more than three seconds but Andrea is right; it’s only fair Lewis spend some time with Fernando. Even if it’s just so Fernando can explain to Lewis that he wants to be back with Mark now. At least, Mark wants to believe that’s what Fernando is saying.

“You alright?” The voice makes Mark jump and he glances at the man beside him before reaching for another glass and the bottle of vodka.

“Fine.”

“Don’t look it.” Nico Hulkenberg says, his eyes flicking from Mark to the glass he is filling with vodka. “That’s a drink to challenge Kimi.”

“I’ve had enough practice…” Mark mutters quietly, reaching for a mixer. Nico grabs Mark’s wrist before he can take a drink.

“I know, Ok.” He says, causing Mark to frown at him. “About Fernando.”

“What do you know about Fernando?” Mark asks almost cautiously.

“That he can’t remember. That he’s forgotten ten years-”

“-Right.” Mark nods, feeling grateful that is all Nico meant. The German watches Mark closely as the glass returns to his lips.

“It must be hard…”

“You have no idea.”

“What is it like?” Nico asks curiously. Mark raises an eyebrow at him. “No, I mean, it must be like talking to him ten years ago.”

“Yes and no.” Mark shrugs, turning around to face the room. Nico follows his eye line.

“So how does the Lewis thing work?”

“It doesn’t.” Mark says sharply. “He doesn’t remember Lewis so he wants to be with me. Lewis doesn’t seem to want to accept that.”

“You are getting a divorce, though. Something happened, didn’t it?”

“But Fernando can’t remember.” Mark presses. Nico gives him a sad smile.

“That doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, Mark. Whatever happened doesn’t just go away because Fernando forgot…” Nico’s eye fall on Esteban, talking animatedly with his new teammate. “It’ll hurt more when he remembers if you try and keep this game up.”

“It’s not a game, mate… I love him.” Mark sighs.

“I’m sure you do. But that doesn’t mean you’re not capable of hurting him again…” Mark frowns at the German but sees instantly he’s distracted by something. He looks to see what has got Nico’s attention.

“Is this still about Fernando and me?” Mark questions. Nico closes his eyes, taking a deep breath before looking back at Mark.

“You’re getting divorced for a reason, no? Surely when Fernando remembers what you did it will hurt you more if you’ve convinced yourself he still loves you?”

“He does still love me. Fernando doesn’t want the divorce.” Mark glares, furious at what Nico is insinuating. Nico takes a step back from him. “Fernando never wanted this fucking divorce.”

“But he loves Lewis, no?”

“No.” Mark bites, downing his drink before turning around to make another. “He doesn’t.”

\- -

Fernando hates this. He doesn’t want to be doing this. He wants Mark. He wants Mark to be holding him and protecting him from this shit. He doesn’t want Lewis’ tongue down his throat, hand tousling his hair. He doesn’t want that at all. He wants to push Lewis off him but the Brit has got his arms pinned to the wall, restricting him from moving anywhere.

“God, I’ve missed you, Nibby…” Lewis mutters, kissing down Fernando’s neck. Fernando wrinkles his nose at the stupid nickname. He really cannot stand that. It gets worse every time Lewis says it. “Missed you so much.” Fernando doesn’t want to be liking this, and he really doesn’t, but still his body is reacting to Lewis’ onslaught and Fernando is not at all comfortable with that. “Have you missed me?”

 _No._ Fernando wants to scream, but Lewis chooses that exact moment to grind their hips together, causing an unwanted gasp to break from Fernando’s lips. He doesn’t want this. He doesn’t want to be forced into this. He can only think of Mark, how much it will hurt the Australian if he does this.

“Lewis-” Fernando wants him off now. He doesn’t want to play this game anymore.

“-That’s right, say my name.” Lewis moans, his head thrown back in abandon as he pistons his hips against Fernando. Fernando tries to pull from his hold but his grip has got tighter. “Say my name, Ferri.”

“Lewis… Stop…” Fernando pants, his eyes screwed in desperation to be freed from this situation.

“Close already, baby?” Lewis smiles, kissing up Fernando’s face. Fernando can feel the bile running up his throat as Lewis licks from his neck to his ear. “God, you’ve got me so hard. I could do you right here…”

“No.” Fernando shakes his head desperately. He doesn’t want any of that.

“No?” Lewis mouths at Fernando’s chin, finding that spot behind his ear that makes his knees weak. “Miss me so much you want to do me?”

“No.” His breathing is wrecked but he hopes he can still make his intentions clear. Lewis leans back from him, frowning a little.

“You don’t want that?” Fernando is relieved to say the least. He shakes his head.

“No…” He would have stayed relieved if Lewis’ hand hadn’t have shot down the front of his trousers, taking a tight hold on him.

“Maybe you would prefer this? Not so messy?” Lewis catches Fernando as he falls forwards, unable to move from the unwanted pleasure being inflicted on his body.

“Lewis!”

“That’s right, babe. I got you now.” Lewis beams, increasing his pace. “I could come just through you saying my name, I’m so hard for you.”

“S-st-t-t… uh…” Fernando bites his lip, trying to fight through everything in his head to make this end. But he can’t think straight. He just wants Mark. Mark would make this Ok. Mark would make this stop. But it would also kill Mark if he knew this was happening. Tears sting in Fernando’s eyes as he clamps them shut, desperate for Mark to come and save him.

“I want to feel you come, Nibby. Gah, you’ve got me so close…”

“Mark…” Fernando whimpered, his head falling forwards onto Lewis’ shoulder. Lewis’ hand stammers from its rhythm. “Mark, Mark, Mark!” Lewis stops and Fernando finally feels like he can breathe. He takes a few shaky breaths, just trying to stabilise himself.

“What did you say?” Lewis’ voice is hard with anger. Fernando winces as his hold tightens on him.

“Lewis-”

“-No. You definitely did _not_ say my name.” Lewis growls. Fernando’s hands fumble, trying to get free of Lewis’ painful grip.

“Hurting-”

“-Why did you say his name?” Lewis demands, backing Fernando back into the wall. Somehow Fernando gets a hand free, pulling Lewis hand from his trousers and sinking to the floor. Lewis has his collar in his hands on the instant. “WHY DID YOU SAY HIS NAME?”

“I… I did not-”

“-MEAN TO?” Lewis rages, his eyes burning into Fernando’s. Fernando grips at his hands, trying to get free again.

“Lewis-”

“-Has he drugged you? Is that why you’re late?”

“Lewis, cannot-”

“-ANSWER ME!”

_ANSWER ME, FERNANDO!_

“No…” Fernando whimpers. _Not now._ This cannot be happening now.

“No? He _didn’t_ drug you!” Lewis barks. Fernando just shakes his head.

_“Are you fucking him?”_

_“How can you even think this!”_

_“Are you?”_

_“Have drunk too much, Mark.”_

“Stop it.” Fernando pleas, his eyes closed, grabbing at his head. Lewis frowns at him.

“Stop it?”

_“Are just friends!”_

_“Sure. Fernando, I know he has pictures of you on his phone just so he can wank over them!”_

_“Mark!”_

_“He wants nothing more than to get in your pants!”_

_“Calm down. Have drunk too-”_

_“-I’m fine!”_

“Fernando?” Lewis doesn’t like how Fernando has gone slack in his grip, how his eyes are screwed shut and he looks like he’s in pain.

“Mark…” Fernando whimpered, colours flashing in his head making him feel sick. He wants it to stop. Why can’t it all just stop?

_“Are friends! This is all! You do not fuck your friends, Jenson, Nico and everyone. Why can you not trust I do not either! Love you, Mark!”_

_“But that’s why you’re at his until four in the fucking morning!”_

_“Was not having-”_

_“-DON’T FUCKING LIE!”_

“Fernando!” Mark shoves Lewis out of the way, pulling Fernando onto his lap and brushing his hair out of his face. But it’s too late. Mark has seen it happen too many times to not know what is going on. “Someone get a bucket.”

“What?” Lewis asks, looking frightened and scared. Mark doesn’t answer him, securing Fernando’s head on his shoulder and moving him back into the main room, trying not to shake Fernando too much. “Why do we need a bucket?”

“He might be sick.” Mark explains, lying Fernando down in the recovery position and bundling his jacket under his head. “I think he’s having a panic attack.” He soothes his fingers across Fernando’s cheek, trying to calm his down.

Lewis swallowed thickly. He’d seen this happen before.


	24. Maybe You Are Hiding Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you try and work out who cares more make sure you have some paracetamol close to hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Six to go!
> 
> There is a dark topic involved in this part but I don't want to tell you what in fear of spoiling the part. So just, be warned; it gets a bit dark. 
> 
> #ForzaJules  
> \- - - - - - - - - -

Fernando winces as the door clicks shut behind him. It sounds ten times louder in the echoing silence. He would shh it for being so loud but doing so would just accomplish making more noise. And right now that’s the last thing he wants to do. Taking a deep breath he turns around slowly, toeing of his shoes and dropping his bag from his shoulder. He slowly places the bag on the floor, desperate not to make any more sound. It’s not that he’s got anything to hide he just _knows_ what Mark will assume. And, for once, he could do without the fight.

It appears his luck ran out after he stepped off the top step of the podium.

“Trying to sneak in?” Mark scoffs, causing Fernando to jump. Fernando doesn’t have to look far to find Mark standing in the middle of the room, arms folded tightly. But Fernando holds his glare; he knows backing down will just enforce Mark’s stupid idea further.

“Am not sneaking. Did not want to wake you. Did not realise you would still be awake-”

“-At four in the morning.” Mark shoots. “Neither did I; I expected you back here hours ago.”

“Lost track of time.” Fernando shrugs.

“And where have you been?”

“Do not ask stupid questions, Mark.” Fernando pulls his shirt over his head as he walks towards the bathroom. He is bored of this now; he can’t remember the last time Mark and he just had a civil conversation. They can’t even talk about racing without it spiralling into an argument anymore. Fernando is scared of what might happen; last year Mark said he was happy to put them on hold for a while but Fernando can’t work out how to take them off the ice. It’s been so long since he’s physically felt close to the Australian and everyday just feels like they’re taking another step away from each other.

“Where are you going now? To wash away the evidence?” Mark’s voice is vicious but it’s the tone Fernando has come to expect.

He just can’t work out what changed between them. Something has happened, he knows it, he just can’t lay his finger on it.

“No, Mark. Am tired. Just want to get ready for bed.”

“Too tired from being fucked all night? Is he better than me?”

“Am not fucking Lewis, Mark.” Fernando returns for what must be the hundredth time now. Mark follows him into the bathroom.

“No, he’s fucking you.”

“Please, stop this.” Fernando drops his head, leaning against the sink. “Cannot keep having the same fight. Would not do this to you. Could not do this to you.” Fernando turns to face Mark but he’s still wearing that expression of stone. The one he’s always wearing nowadays. “I love you, Mark.”

“Funny way of showing it.” Mark snaps before heading back to the bedroom. Fernando throws his toothbrush at the sink, following Mark out. So they are having this fight again.

“Have you been drinking?” Fernando spits.

“What?” Mark angrily laughs. “You’re going to blame this on me drinking?”

“Am not doing anything!” Fernando insists. Mark keeps his back to him.

“Whatever, Fernando. You’re spending more and more time in his fucking pocket and now you’ve spent the night with him.”

“Just fell asleep! Was purely innocent!”

“And you didn’t think I might want to see you after you won today?”

“And was this before or after you get drunk with Jenson?”

“I’m not drunk.” Fernando shoves Mark’s shoulder lightly, causing the Australian to stumble backwards and fall to the floor.

“Are. Can smell it.” Fernando returns. “Cannot have got back a lot before me! Is really why you are awake now.”

“I was drinking in here waiting for you.” Mark growls, getting back to his feet. Fernando crosses the room, throwing open the mini bar and tipping the empty bin up on itself. It crashes noisily on the floor.

“So what time do you get back, Mark? Enjoy bitching about me to Jenson?”

“I’m not the one fucking cheating, mate!”

“Neither am I! Why will you not believe that?”

“Because he’s always fucking there, isn’t he.” Mark barks. “He’s always with you or congratulating your win or got his arms around you. He’s a fucking stalker, Fernando.”

“He is my friend. I do not say these things about your friends.”

“That’s because my friends aren’t fucking creeps!”

“He is not a creep. He cares about me.”

“And I don’t, I suppose he’s told you? Mark doesn’t care. Mark’s shit. Mark’s a fucking waste of space. Mark doesn’t _deserve_ you-”

“-Stop it. Cannot even talk to you like this!”

“You’ve made it pretty clear you can’t talk to me in any state, mate. Why not break the habits of a lifetime!”

“Are delusional when are drunk! Will not even hear me.”

“That doesn’t sound like a confession, mate.”

“Am not cheating on you! Do you want me to be? Maybe _you_ want an affair so you want me to fuck up so you can too! Maybe you _do_ want to be fucking Jenson!” Fernando gasps as suddenly he’s pin to the wall, Mark’s arm tight against his neck. He tries to pull the Australian off but it’s no use; his hold is too tight. Fernando panics, suddenly finding it hard to breathe. “Ma-”

“-You think I’m cheating on you now, do you?” Mark’s voice is scarily calm; scarily angry. Fernando swallows, feeling Mark’s arm press him tighter to the wall. “You think I’ve been off fucking Jenson?”

“No-”

“-The guilty accuse, Fernando.” Mark eyes flash darkly. “Maybe you are hiding something. Trying to make it seem like I’m distrusting you when you actually are fucking Lewis.”

“No, Mark-”

“-Have you been sleeping with him? Have you been cheating on me?”

“No-” The room spins as Mark slams Fernando against the wall.

“Have you been cheating on me?” Mark’s voice is getting louder and Fernando begs that he’ll just let go on his neck, at least take the pressure off so he can breath normally. He’s gasping for air and the more he gasps the more he panics, the more he panics the more he stays quiet, but the quieter he stays the tighter Mark’s grip gets. Fernando tries to shake his head but it doesn’t work. Mark pushes him tighter to the wall with the rest of his body, his hands grabbing at his crotch. Tears spring in Fernando’s eyes and he wants them to stop but he can’t. He’s never been scared of Mark but right now he’s petrified. “Did he touch you here?” Mark growls, his grip tight on the front of Fernando’s trousers. Fernando just wants it all to stop. He wishes he hadn’t come back, just taken up Lewis’ offer of sleeping on the sofa.

“N-no…” Fernando breathes, closing his eyes as more tears dampen his cheeks. Mark’s arm wraps around his hips, gripping forcefully to his arse. Fernando bites his lip hard as the pain shoots through him. Why is this happening? Why is this happening?

“How about here?” Fernando hates this. He wants his Mark back. He doesn’t even recognise the man in front of him now. If he pretends it’s not happening it won’t be. It will just be a horrible nightmare. He’ll wake up any moment now and- “Fernando, did he touch you here?”

Fernando can’t speak. He tries but no sound comes out. Mark’s arm on his throat was too tight. He was just trying to remember how to breathe. “Fernando.” Mark voice is loud now, almost shouting. He’s on the verge of loosing it. Why can’t Fernando say no? He wouldn’t be lying; Lewis never touched him. It had been innocent, one hundred per cent innocent. He had literally just fallen asleep. But his body seems to be giving up the fight. Months of Mark constantly hounding him and now at the moment he needs to just say no he can’t.

He just needs to say no.

“ANSWER ME, FERNANDO!” Mark roars, both hands gripping tightly to Fernando’s neck. It is enough to startle Fernando back into the danger. If he still had his shirt on Mark’s hands would be tangled in that rather than his skin. He pulls desperately on Mark’s wrists, feeling lightheaded. The grip is getting tighter.

“No!” Fernando gasps, his eyes desperately searching Mark’s. “N-nothing! D-did nothing!” Fernando splutters for breath as Mark throws him to the floor. Fernando’s breaths are shaky and uncontrolled, one hand soothingly rubbing his tender skin. But Mark is still towering over him.

“Are you fucking him?” Mark barks hotly. Fernando can feel his eyes burning into his back.

“How can you even think this!” Fernando pants, his voice still weak from Mark’s onslaught.

“Are you?”

“Have drunk too much, Mark. Are just friends!” Fernando begs, sitting himself up. Mark scowls at him. But Fernando can see in his eyes he doesn’t believe him. Why? What does he have to do to make Mark believe him.

“I’m glad I was home late today. At least I know what you’re fucking up to now!”

“Am not, Mark! Promise! Swear on-”

“-DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE!” Mark hollers, dragging Fernando back to his feet. “Get out.”

“No! Have done nothing wrong!”

“He fucking wants you, Fernando! A few sweet words and you’re putty in anyone’s hands!”

“Are calling me easy?” Fernando accuses. Mark just shrugs.

“You’ve let him in your pants-”

“-Have not! Lewis and I are innocent in all of this-!”

“-Sure. Fernando, I know he has pictures of you on his phone just so he can wank over them!”

“Mark!”

“He wants nothing more than to get in your pants and now you’ve let him!”

“Calm down. Have drunk too-”

“-I’m fine!” Mark snaps, opening the door. “You need to get out.”

“Am not going anywhere!” Fernando yells, fighting against Mark’s attempts to get him out the door. “Are friends! This is all! You do not fuck your friends, Jenson, Nico and everyone. Why can you not trust I do not either! Love you, Mark!”

“But that’s why you’re at his until four in the fucking morning!”

“Was not having-” Fernando’s words are stopped as Mark’s palm stings across his face. He staggers into the wall, clutching at his cheek as his eyes well up again.

“You’re despicable.” Mark fires at him. “A disgrace and I feel fucking humiliated I ever had anything to do with you. Ever.” Fernando remains pressed against the wall, feeling the heat rushing to his cheek as it throbs in pain. He doesn’t even get the chance to stop Mark; the door slamming being the only signal the Australian has gone. Three months of the same fight and now Mark is gone. He is stupidly drunk, Fernando knows that, but it doesn’t stop the emptiness settling in his stomach. It doesn’t stop the sobs ripping through his body as it all sets in.

Fernando looks at himself in the bathroom mirror as he holds the cold flannel to his cheek. The skin on his neck is red too, but he deserves it all, no? He pushed Mark to this point, right? The drink plus him staying too late at Lewis’. Fernando _knew_ the result would be chaotic. He just never expected this.

Mark had already made his decision to leave before Fernando even returned; the bag was packed, ready and waiting by the door.

\- - - -

“What are you doing?” Lewis demands as Mark adjust Fernando so he’s in a more comfortable position. He’s stopped throwing up now and Mark is pretty sure he’s passed out. But he’s not one hundred per cent sure of that; he’s never witnessed Fernando have a panic attack before. Lorena said something about him passing out, didn’t she? And hadn’t he done this before? Last time he was with Lewis?

“What were you doing outside?” Mark asks, his attention only on soothingly stroking his hands through Fernando’s hair. Lewis gapes at him.

“Me?”

“Well you were the last person with him.” Nico Rosberg frowns as Hulkenberg comes back into the room having gotten rid of the bucket.

“This isn’t my fault, man!” Lewis defends quickly. Jenson grabs his shoulder.

“No one said it was.”

“You’re all looking at me like I’m a criminal!”

“What were you talking about?” Mark tries again, wrapping his jacket round Fernando’s shoulders to make sure he stays warm.

“Like fuck I’m going to tell you.”

“Calm down, Lewis.” Jenson urges. His fellow Brit shakes him off.

“This is all your fault.” Lewis glares, poking a finger at Mark. Mark raises an eyebrow at him.

“How, exactly, did you come to that conclusion?” Daniel asks. “He was with you.”

“But if Mark hadn’t showed up and ruined everything-!”

“-Mark and Fernando showed together.” Jean-Eric points out. Lewis sets his glare on the Frenchman.

“Look, we should all just calm down. Maybe get a doctor?” Romain inputs, standing between Lewis and most of the room.

“He’ll be alright when he comes round.” Lewis snarls, kneeling beside Fernando and Mark. Mark protectively places his hand lower on Fernando’s shoulder, subtly blocking Lewis with his body.

“Am not sure…” Romain chews his lip nervously.

“Was it a panic attack?” Kimi asks with Sebastian standing just behind his shoulder. Mark opens his mouth to answer but Lewis gets there first.

“Probably brought on by all the drugs Mark has been giving him!” Mark narrows his eyes at the Brit.

“You’re really trying this again, mate.”

“You keep fucking drugging him, Mark! Now look what you’ve done to him!”

“I’ve never drugged him in my life!” Mark seethes, eyes only for the Brit. Sebastian drops further behind Kimi’s shoulder, almost hiding out of the way.

“Then why doesn’t he want to be anywhere near me, huh?”

“Lewis, we’ve already explained this-” Mark tries but it’s no use.

“- _We_?” Lewis scoffs. “You threw away whatever _we_ you had when you-”

“-THAT’S ENOUGH!” Nico Hulkenberg snaps, shocking everyone into silence. “How is this actually fucking helping? We need to help Fernando right now not have a fucking spat.”

“If he didn’t-”

“-I don’t give a fuck, Lewis.” Nico exhales. He turns to Mark. “What do we do?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never actually been with him when he’s had one of these attacks.” Mark shrugs, looking down desperately at Fernando and hoping he’ll open his eyes soon.

“I have.” Lewis declares, trying to shove Mark out of the way. “I know what to do.”

“Know you fucking don’t.” Mark laughs, still stalling Lewis’ efforts. Nico rolls his eyes; there really is no getting along with these two.

“Yeah? Where were you when he was having an attack in Spain? Abandoning him per usual?”

“I wasn’t abandoning anyone! You had your drones tackling me to the floor and literally locking me in my house to keep me away!”

“Hey!” Jenson shoots but everyone ignores him.

“Can you not see a pattern, Lewis?” Mark continues. “It’s only when he’s around you he panics! And if anyone is giving him drugs it’s you! I don’t know how many of those fucking cigarettes you’ve forced down his throat-”

“-I never forced him to do anything!” Lewis snaps.

“And I have?” Mark returns smoothly. Their fight is cut short when Fernando groans, his face curling into a frown. Mark instantly looks down into Fernando’s face, brushing the stray hairs away from his eyes. “Na-?”

“-Ferri?” Lewis grabs frantically at the front of Fernando’s shirt, trying to pull him up and away from Mark. Nico holds a gentle hand on Fernando’s shoulder, flawing Lewis’ attempt.

“How about we keep things slow, yeah?” Nico suggests.

“Right. You’re so on his fucking side-” Lewis grumbles, folding his arms.

“I’m on Fernando’s side.” Nico corrects. Everyone crowds in a little closer as Fernando begins to regain consciousness.

“Still think we should get a doctor…” Romain mutters but no one reacts to his comment.

“Nano?” Mark tries softly, unsure what to do with his hands. Adrian and Esteban exchange a concerned look.

“Give him some air, no?” Kimi suggests, pushing some of the other drivers back a little. Slowly but surely, Fernando blinks up at the ceiling, his head throbbing painfully as he tries to make sense of what the fuck just happened. A small smile glitters onto Mark’s face.

“Hey, buddy.” He sighs, feeling much better now Fernando’s eyes are open.

“You’re not his buddy.” Lewis hisses. Mark rolls his eyes.

“Do you want some water, Fernando?” Nico asks, his hand still on the Spaniard’s shoulder. Fernando’s eyes slowly focus on Mark. He blinks slowly a couple of times.

“Woah! Steady on, mate.” Mark grabs at Fernando’s hips as he tries to stand too fast, stumbling forwards. But Fernando panics. His head still hurts and everything is a mess.

“GET OFF!” He screams, smacking against the floor as he wriggles out of Mark’s hold; the ground was closer than he expected. He takes a couple of breaths, hoping that he won’t be sick.

“Fernando?” Nico tries tentatively. Mark can do nothing but frown at Fernando. He doesn’t understand, does this always happen? Fernando pushes himself to his knees, sitting back on his heels. He just needs a moment to-

“-Ferri? Are you Ok?” Lewis cups his cheek, running a thumb under his eye. Fernando’s head throbs and he throws his hands over his mouth as he gags. Lewis retreats quickly, but luckily Fernando doesn’t bring anything up.

“Fernando, mate, it’s alright… Do you know where you are?” Fernando tenses slightly at the sound of Mark’s voice, the words he screamed in the memory and the things he did coming back at full force. He doesn’t understand anything. He doesn’t understand why Mark would do those things to him. Fernando shakes his head. He just needs this to make sense again now. He’s bored of only remembering snippets. “You’re-”

“-Lewis?” Fernando feels dizzy. He just wants someone to stabilise him as he tries to get to his feet. Familiar hands are around him on the instant and he falls into Lewis slightly as he gets to his feet.

Mark can’t believe what he’s seeing.

“Fernando, what did you remember?” There is nothing but blind panic in Mark’s voice. Fernando turns to face him. _Why did you do that, Mark? Was that something that really happened?_ The memory feels real. He’s not had any he wished he had made up before… Fernando doesn’t know what to think.

“Remember?” Kimi frowns. He shares his confusion with most of the other drivers. But no one answers him. Jenson shuffles awkwardly on his feet.

“…Nothing.” Fernando breathes after a moment of silence. But Mark knows better. Mark always knows better. He takes a tentative step towards Fernando.

“Please, mate. Just tell me. Tell me what it was you remembered.”

“He’s not your mate, Mark.” Lewis huffs, holding Fernando tighter and loving the fact the Spaniard is dependant on him once again. Just as he should be. Mark ignores him.

“Please, Fernando.”

“Is… Nothing…” Fernando drops his eyes to the floor. “Feel dizzy… Would like to go now…”

“Alright, well I’ll take-”

“-No.” Fernando doesn’t know what makes him say it but after the memory he doesn’t want to be going anywhere alone with Mark. Not whilst he doesn’t know why Mark did that or if he’s potentially capable of doing it again.

Mark’s heart breaks.

“No?” It’s nothing of a voice when Mark talks. He blinks rapidly, desperate for the tears not to even build.

“You want me to take you back to mine, Nibby?” Lewis asks softly. Fernando openly wrinkles his nose at the name. Not really. He doesn’t really want to go anywhere with Lewis without properly knowing who he is. What if he is as bad as Mark? What if Lewis has hurt him like Mark has? He can’t trust him. Unfortunately there is no other option; it’s Mark or Lewis.

So he nods.

“I’ll go and get Andrea! You can tell him! Please, Fernando. Don’t-”

“-He’s made up his mind, Mark. Maybe you should remember that.” Lewis smirks. He has the audacity to smirk. But Mark can see Fernando still looks uncomfortable and he’s holding onto that last straw.  

“Mate, please. Let me get Andrea-”

“-So you can do what, Mark?” Lewis asks hotly. “What is it that you think Andrea can achieve? You blew your chance, _mate._ You don’t get a second.” Mark isn’t listening to him, pleading with Fernando with his eyes. He knows Fernando doesn’t want to go with Lewis. He can see it in his expression. If he can just get Fernando to stay put whilst he gets Andrea this whole mess can be sorted and Lewis doesn’t have to take him anywhere.

“You want to talk to Andrea, yeah?” He tries gently, taking a step towards Fernando. Lewis shoves the Spaniard behind his back.

“No he doesn’t.” Lewis remembers what happened last time Fernando saw Andrea. He will not leave the Spaniard with Mark again. He’ll never get to see him.

“Lewis, you don’t understand-”

“-I understand perfectly well, man.” Lewis growls. “Ferri wants to go now. And I’m going to take him back to our room.”

“His got a fucking mouth, Lewis. How about letting him use it.” Mark spits back. Lewis shakes his head at him.

“You’re pathetic, Mark. Andrea, Stefano, Lorena. How many more people are you going to drug to get your help?” Fernando gets knocked to the floor as Mark lunges at Lewis. He just about gets his hands on the Brit’s collar before the other drivers have swarmed in, pulling them apart. Fernando doesn’t understand. He’s never seen Mark like this before. Maybe this is what happened to make him want a divorce. When did Mark become so violent?

“I NEVER DRUGGED ANYONE!” Mark screeches, still trying to pull the arms off him. Lewis is squirming just as much in front of him. “WHY DON’T YOU TAKE YOUR FUCKED UP EXCUSES TO SOMEONE WHO CARES!”

“Mark, calm down.” Hulkenberg states breathlessly, but it is no use; Mark continues to fight against his human bonds.

“MAYBE IF YOU STOP DRUGGING MY FIANCEE I CAN!” The room falls dreadfully silent; Jenson’s head dropping as he still tries to hold Lewis back. But it doesn’t seem like it would matter anymore; Mark isn’t fighting anyone. His eyes are wide, almost comically so. He’s staring at Lewis as if waiting for the punch line of the joke.

Of course, it never comes.

“What?” Mark can’t hide his shock. Lewis brushes his shirt down as Jenson and Nico let him go, folding his arms. It’s not as if all the drivers knew of Lewis’ engagement to Fernando, but those who did are now standing very awkwardly around. Mark’s eyes flick to Fernando.

Fernando can only see the Mark from the memory in his eyes and it shakes him to the core.

“Would like to leave now, Lewis…” Fernando mutters, not looking at Mark. Lewis helps him to his feet.

“Of course, man.” The Brit’s voice is as soft as the kiss he presses to Fernando’s forehead. Kimi grabs Mark’s shoulder before he’s even flinched to move.

“So this is it then? This has been your scheme all along.” Mark snarls, anger and hurt and a whole range of emotions he can’t explain rushing through his body. “This is why you’ve been pushing him so hard into a divorce he doesn’t even fucking want!”

“Maybe you should open your eyes, Mark.” Lewis states in a blasé tone, wrapping an arm around Fernando’s shoulders. Mark clenches his fists tightly. “I think it’s pretty clear to see what he wants.” Fernando is looking determinedly at the floor as Lewis ushers him out of the room. He doesn’t want to look at anyone, especially not Mark. Maybe he should ask Lewis if he could go to Andrea’s tonight. Maybe that would be for the best.

There is an awkward silence for a while after Lewis and Fernando have left. Everyone seems to be waiting on Mark’s next move, all prepared to hold him back if he decides to charge the couple down. But somehow that doesn’t seem to be Mark’s plan. The Australian’s head is spinning. He can’t put his finger on anything. But he knows he doesn’t want to be in this room full of questions and people who still blame him for all of this; those on Lewis’ side. He sends Jenson a glare before turning on his heels, snatching up a bottle of vodka from the table and heading out the way Fernando and he came in – a different direction to the one Lewis and Fernando left from.

He doesn’t want to remember any of tonight. He just wants to drown himself in alcohol until it all leaves his head. The more he walks the higher the hurt crawls over him. _Lewis and Fernando are getting married… Fernando chose Lewis… Fernando went with Lewis…._ He’s in the lift when it finally overcomes him and he can’t hold the tears back anymore. He lost him _again_. How could he have lost him again? He’d tried so hard to make things right but they had passed the point. Fernando made him feel like they were back to how it had been. But that had been a mistake. They were never back. Mark feels stupid to have let it all disillusioned him. Fernando is a time bomb at the moment; all he has to do is remember one thing and he’ll never talk to Mark again. It will be six months ago all over again.

What the fuck has Fernando remembered? Mark fears the worst; from Fernando’s almost repulsion from him the Spaniard could have just remembered the worst.

\- - -

“Lewis?” Fernando mutters, enjoying the inviting warmth that is radiating from Lewis’ body. Lewis kisses his forehead again, leading him down the stairs.

“Yes, Ferri?” Lewis can’t fight the small smile off his face. _Finally_ he’s got Fernando back.

“Can you take me to Andrea’s please?” Having thought about it it just makes sense. Fernando doesn’t really want to be with Mark or Lewis tonight. He wants to be with someone he knows. Or, at least, thinks he knows. And this point he can’t even be sure of that. Lewis continues to walk him down the stairs.

“No.” He says lightly. Fernando has to consider what Lewis has just said, his tone misleading him.

“No?” The Spaniard tries to pull them to a stop but Lewis forces him to walk on.

“You’re staying with me, Nibby.” Fernando blinks, completely shocked.

“But would like to go to Andrea.”

“No.” Lewis’ voice is still bright, still almost normal. It confuses Fernando.

“Am going to Andrea-”

“-You’re not.” Lewis bites, gripping Fernando’s shoulder tighter. “You’re staying with me now.”

“Do not want to.” Fernando tries to shrug out of Lewis’ hold but he can’t get free. He’s held still as the Brit opens his hotel room and then forced inside, the door snapping shut behind him. “Let me out.”

“Look, Ferri, you’re confused. Mark’s obviously drugged you again. And right now I don’t know who else is in on his scheme. I know for a fact Andrea is helping him, and so is Lorena. That’s why I told you to stay away from her, you remember?” Fernando just looks at Lewis blankly. Of course he doesn’t fucking remember. And none of this is making sense. His head pangs and all he really wants to do is leave this room and go and find Andrea.

“Want to go to Andrea.”

“It’s not safe with Andrea. You’re staying here.”

“But I-”

“-You’re to stay here, Ferri-”

“-Stop calling me that!” Fernando barks, storming passed Lewis and out onto the balcony. He just needs to breathe but nothing is making sense. And Lewis isn’t helping at all. He’s just confusing him more. Maybe he should have stayed with Mark. At least he knew Mark would have let him go to Andrea. Mark wanted him to go to Andrea. Maybe he knew it would help… Or maybe Lewis was right; maybe there was some ploy going on. But why? What was there to achieve? Fernando is so confused and no one is giving him any answers. He can’t stand walking around not understanding things anymore. He just wants his memory back.

“Fernando, come inside.” Lewis orders, his voice low and commanding. Fernando continues to hold his back to him. “Fernando.” The Spaniard closes his eyes. Maybe if he pretends Lewis isn’t there he’ll go away. “I told you to do something.” Cold shivers run down Fernando’s back as he turns to face Lewis. None of the sweet compassion is in his eyes anymore. Just a dark coldness.

Fernando doesn’t know who is safest at this point: Mark or Lewis. He does know he should have probably made a break for Andrea’s when he had the chance.


	25. I Haven't Had Much Experience Myself, Mate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Have you just made a huge mistake?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Five to go!
> 
> #ForzaJules  
> \- - - - - - - - -

BMP. BMP. BMP.

He throws the other pillow over his head, hoping that the knocker will go away and leave him alone. The noise from the party has been enough to keep him awake until this point and finally it has been turned off. He just wants to sleep; why is someone trying to keep him awake by smashing down his door?

BMP. BMP. BMP. BMP. BMP. BMP. BMP.

Andrea pushes the pillow off his head, glaring at the ceiling. Maybe if he just waits it out they will fuck off and leave him alone. He’s tired and comfortable and just wants to get some sleep before he has to go back to Fernando and have Mark lambasting him for being unreasonable. It’s not his fault. Andrea doesn’t want to make Fernando do the test but Luca has a point – they really don’t know if this will have affected Fernando’s driving skills. It’s been over a month now and Fernando still doesn’t remember everything. They have to do a test – they would be stupid not to.

BMP. BMP. BMP. BMP. BMP. BMP. BMP. BMP. BMP. BMP. BMP. BMP. BMP.

The door is shaking in its frame now. Andrea shoots it a look, getting the impression that however long he waits he’s not going to out-wait the knocker. Who would be trying to smash his door down? Who would want to talk to him? Panic surges through the Italian as he considers that maybe Fernando and Mark didn’t go to Lewis’ party after he left. Maybe Andrea will now have a raging drunk Brit on his hands accusing him of taking Fernando away from him. Again. Andrea runs a hand over his face; he really can’t take that again.

BMP. BMP. BMP. BMP. BMP. BMP.

But then again maybe it’s Fernando. What if he’s finally remembered? What if he needs Andrea like he needed the Italian the first time he found out? That week Fernando spent sleeping in his spare room still haunts him some days. He’s not sure he’ll ever truly forgive Mark for causing the Spaniard so much pain.

Andrea drops his feet out of the bed, turning on the bedside lamp. If it’s Fernando he can’t turn him away. As he gets to his feet the aggression doesn’t sound like Fernando, but then again Andrea wasn’t there when Fernando first found out. He did remember the bruising around Mark’s eye the morning after though…

He’s not ready to see Mark standing in front of him as he opens the door, eyes red and puffy. Andrea frowns at him, confused and shocked. Of all people he thought he’d seen this evening (or technically morning) Mark was at the bottom of the list. But something had happened, that at least was clear. He doesn’t wait for Mark to say anything, just stepping to the side and allowing him access to the room. He’s not surprised when Fernando isn’t with him.

“MARK!” Andrea frowns again, sticking his head out of the door to see Jenson and Nico Rosberg chasing after the Australian. Mark glares at them.

“I told you to fucking leave me alone!” He snarls, aiming to brush past Andrea. Jenson grabs his shoulder before he crosses the threshold.

“Look-”

“-Are you happy now? Do you fucking see the mess you’ve made?” Mark snaps, shoving Jenson back into Nico. Nico stumbles to the floor.

“I’m sorry-”

“-Doesn’t fucking cut it, mate.” Mark bites, turning his back on the Brit and moving into Andrea’s room. “Stay the fuck away from me.” Jenson moves to follow Mark but Andrea stands in the way, closing the door.

“Andrea-!”

“-This is best you go to bed, Jenson. Take Nico with you, yes?” Andrea says calmly, nodding towards the German getting himself off the floor as Jenson almost forgets he’s even there.

“I need to talk to Mark.”

“Maybe when we all calm down.” Andrea shuts the door softly, flinching when the harsh impact of Jenson’s hand on the other side rings into the room. He slides the safety chain on for good measure before turning to face the second man in the room. “Do not think this is wise.” Andrea says, taking the small bottle of alcohol from Mark’s hand as he moves across the room, putting it on the desk and shutting the mini fridge.

“Fuck off, Andrea.” Mark glares, pulling a second from his pocket. Again, Andrea takes it off him. “For fuck sake.” Mark mutters under his breath.

“You come here. Could have left you outside.” Andrea points out, drawing the desk chair up in front of Mark who is perched on the end of the unmade bed. Luckily for Andrea it seems the Australian has no more alcohol on his person. “I see you make it to Lewis’ party.”

“Wish we fucking hadn’t.” Mark deflates, falling back onto the bed. Andrea watches him closely.

“Would you like to tell me what happens?”

“In all honest, mate, I was hoping Fernando had come up here.” Mark told the ceiling, trying to blink the tears out of his eyes before they rolled down his cheeks. “Clearly he fucking hasn’t.”

“Why would Fernando come here?”

“I was hoping he would.”

“But why?”

“Still might actually-”

“-Mark.” Andrea says, his tone a little sterner. Mark makes no show of acknowledging the Italian. Andrea moves to sit beside him. “What happened?”

“We went, just like you fucking wanted us to. Lewis was a fucking prick, just like I expected him to be. Then he took Fernando off and I let them talk, just like you said I should and then Fernando had a panic attack.”

“Panic attack?” Andrea frowns, feeling pretty confused. Fernando has never had a panic attack before. Not to his knowledge.

“Again.” Mark sighs. Andrea sits him up.

“Again? What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. Something Lewis did but he fucking remembered something and now he’s gone.” Mark says to his knees, his voice cracking as the emotions of the evening roll over him.

“Gone?” Andrea asks lightly. This means one of two things. Mark takes a deep breath, unable to stop the tears dancing down his cheeks anymore.

“… With Lewis.” Andrea’s stomach knots uncomfortably but now is not the time to worry about specifics. Lewis won’t want to hurt Fernando, not again. But the problem is now Fernando is confused and vulnerable. Andrea ponders their options.

“What did he remember?” Andrea asks slowly. Mark tries to subtle dry his eyes but there is no point.

“I don’t know.”

“Sorry?”

“He wouldn’t tell me. Just kept…” Mark doesn’t want to finish the thought. He doesn’t want to tell Andrea and Andrea confirm his worst fear. But isn’t that one of the reasons he came here? Isn’t he hoping Andrea can help him out?

“Kept…?” Andrea encourages. Mark shakes his head.

“Kept looking at me like he didn’t know me… Like he was scared of me…” Mark’s head is spinning. What could Fernando have possibly remember to be so scared of him? He can’t think.

“Scared?” Andrea is confused as well. He knows there is stuff about Mark and Fernando’s life he didn’t know about but Fernando would have told him if he was scared of Mark, wouldn’t he?

“I don’t know. I’m driving myself insane going round and round trying to think what he could have remembered.”

“And you do not think he remembers the incident?” Andrea tries calmly. Mark shakes his head twice.

“When he remembers that I’ll know.” Mark’s tone is chilling. It makes Andrea uncomfortable.

“So why have you come to me?” Andrea asks, trying to step away from a conversation Andrea can’t defend Mark in. Mark turns to him.

“I didn’t have anywhere else to go…”

“So you would like to sleep here?” Andrea tries. He’s not that close to Mark because of what the Australian did to Fernando. But they used to be really close. Mark used to joke that Andrea was Fernando’s older brother, a comment that usually was followed by a teasing ‘If you ever hurt him I’ll make you pay’ comment. Something Mark has already felt the wrath of. To be honest he’s surprised Andrea even let him past the door.

“No… No that’s Ok…” Mark murmurs, pulling at the duvet. Andrea raises an eyebrow at him.

“Am not going to get him back.” Andrea states clearly. Mark glares at him.

“He doesn’t remember.”

“If he chooses to go with Lewis we respect what he wants.”

“But he doesn’t know what I’ve done!” Mark panics, getting to his feet. Andrea folds his arms. “Lewis will twist it! Force him against me!”

“Was quite bad what you did.” Andrea says emotionlessly. Mark’s eyes widen in anger and shock.

“Has this been your plan?”

“Do not be stupid, Mark. Are as bad as Lewis.”

“I am not-” Mark catches himself, taking a deep breath and letting go of Andrea’s collar. He takes a step back as Andrea smoothens his shirt down. “I am not as bad as Lewis.”

“Will not help you. If he chooses to go to Lewis then that is where he goes.”

“But Lewis-”

“-Is what? Holding him against his will? Forced him to go with him? Have heard this all before Mark: from Lewis in Brazil.” Mark stumbles for words. He was sure Andrea would help him.

“Fernando is confused-”

“-But chooses to go with Lewis. Will not go against his wishes.”

“I don’t know what Lewis said to him when he had him alone!”

“Have to remember, Mark, that is filing for a divorce. Have you signed the papers yet?”

“I’ve had something else on my mind actually.” Mark snarls, moving over to the desk and snatching up the two bottles Andrea took from him. Before the Italian is on his feet the first one is gone.

“If he is remembering things is good, but you need to understand that the more he remembers the closer he is to the divorce. The closer things are to going back to normal.”

“This isn’t normal. It will never be normal. Normal is Fernando with me.”

“Is not normal anymore, Mark.”

“You don’t know anything.” Mark spits, finishing off the second bottle. Andrea sighs.

“Now are done with those what are you doing?”

“I’m going to go to Lewis’.” Mark nods, moving towards the door. Andrea stands in his way.

“No. Try again.”

“I’m not just going to sit here and let Lewis-”

“-If Fernando is scared of you because he remembers something how will you barging in there make him fear you any less?” Andrea presses. Hopefully Mark would be more accommodating to his warnings that Lewis was.

“I’m not leaving him in there. If he doesn’t want to come with me he can come to you.”

“If this is what _he_ decides.” Andrea stresses.

“No way. I'm going to get him now.”

“Are not.” Andrea pushes Mark back until he’s sitting in the vacant desk chair. Mark moves to get up but Andrea holds him still. “Is not yours, Mark.”

“He’s my husband-!”

“-Is not!” Andrea pants, fighting against the resistant Mark. “He leaves you, are separated and he is with someone else now.”

“This is my second chance!” Mark cries, trying to get Andrea’s hold off him.

“Was a second chance until he remembers. Do you really think he will want to stay with you after everything you have done?” Andrea grits. He’s stunned when Mark stops fighting him. He looks up at the Australian, slightly pained to see the hurt in Mark’s eyes. But maybe it’s time for a few home truths. “He chooses someone else, Mark. Is happy with Lewis-”

“-He’s not-”

“-Cannot just wipe away the past, Mark. He makes his decisions. You were fine about this before Brazil.”

“I wasn’t.” Mark swallowed. “I’ve never been fine about any of this.”

“You mess up, Mark. You ruin things with him. And when he tries to move past it and forgive you you repay him by doing it again.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Andrea.” Mark’s voice is harsh suddenly. Andrea tightens his hold on Mark’s wrists.

“Maybe not but I know what Fernando tells me. I know more than you think perhaps.”

“Fernando never forgave me. He would have done if Lewis hadn’t have poisoned him.”

“And what would you have done with that forgiveness?” Andrea asks seriously. Mark glances into his eyes before he has to look away. He doesn’t know. He has always been so desperate for Fernando to give him a second chance he doesn’t know if he’d do anything different or if he’d carry on until the same happened again. “You have to let him go now.”

“I don’t want to.” Mark squints his eyes shut, determined to hold the tears rushing to his eyes back. “I don’t want to.”

“Sign the papers, let him go and maybe you can come out of this as friends. Maybe things can still be civil.”

“I can’t do that.” Mark gasps. Andrea let go of him, crouching in front of him with a worried expression. He is confident Mark won’t attempt to leave now. At least not to go and get Fernando; all of the fight seems to have left his body.

“You can, Mark. Know will be hard but is the best for both of you. Keep things civil and you do not have to loose him.”

“I can’t. I can’t be civil knowing everyday…” Mark can’t finish the sentence, doesn’t want to. Andrea reaches up to dry his face, confused slightly by Mark’s total breakdown.

“Have managed for this long knowing he is with someone else. What changes? What suddenly makes it unbearable?”

“I can’t spend everyday knowing he’s married to someone else.” Mark breathes. But looking at Andrea’s expression this information isn’t new to only him.

\- - - -

Fernando is sitting in the doorframe, leaning against it with his feet still outside. It’s nice to be breathing the cool air. It’s making him feel light and free. It’s making everything seem to disappear in the chilled night wind that dances through his hair. It lets him pretend that nothing is wrong. Nothing bad is happening. It lets him pretend that he hasn’t forgotten a third of his life. That, for once is a settling thought.

But of course the illusion has to be shattered.

“Here.” Lewis crouches beside him, pushing the glass of water into Fernando’s hand. The Spaniard doesn’t react or move or do anything and it makes Lewis think he’s going to drop the glass if he lets go. But it doesn’t smash. Fernando simply places it between them once Lewis has handed it over, still staring out at the night sky. “You’re kind of worrying me, Ferri-”

“-Stop calling me that.” Fernando says, not turning to look at Lewis. Lewis hugs his knees to his chest, feeling so lost and out of sync to Fernando.

“What did Mark do to you?”

“Nothing.” Fernando breathes, resting his head back against the doorframe. Though once he’s said it he’s not so sure anymore. What did Mark do to him? How long ago was the memory? It sends an uncomfortable shiver down Fernando’s spine.

“Ferr… Fernando, you’ve been with him for ages now. You’re not right, I know it.”

“Am fine.” Fernando states as Lewis moves onto his knees, trying to get closer to the distant Spaniard.

“You’re not. Has he drugged you?”

“No.”

“Hurt you?”

“No.”

“What’s happened? What is going on?”

“Nothing.” Fernando glares, turning to face Lewis. Lewis shrinks back, dropping the arm that is reaching for Fernando.

“I’m worried about you, Nibby-”

“-Could you stop with the fucking names please?” Fernando vents, turning away again. Lewis moves the glass of water, shuffling as close to Fernando as he can without touching him. He waits a few moments before brushing his hand through Fernando’s hair. The Spaniard’s eyes roll shut, succumbing to the gentle attraction of the feeling.

“I’m scared, Fernando. I don’t understand what’s going on.” Lewis coos as he moves closer to Fernando, encouraging the Spaniard off the wall so he is leaning on him. Fernando’s eyes slide shut and all he can think of is a warm bed with Mark playing his hands through his hair like this… White bed sheets… “Why was Mark asking you what you remembered? What did he mean by that?”

“Does not matter.” Fernando wants Lewis to be quiet and stop breaking the illusion. Illusion or memory? Fernando doesn’t know or care but he just knows he likes it. He’s happy in the white bed with Mark; he’s comfortable.

“I’d like to know what he meant.”

“Why would I know?” Fernando tries, hoping it’s enough to shut the Brit up.

“You know, Fernando. I know you know.” Fernando leans closer into Lewis, his eyes still locked shut as he tries desperately to keep these thoughts going. “You can tell me what you remembered. I can help.”

_“-The guilty accuse, Fernando.” Mark eyes flash darkly. “Maybe you are hiding something. Trying to make it seem like I’m distrusting you when you actually are fucking Lewis.”_

Fernando doesn’t give the memory three seconds to start replaying in his head, catching Lewis’ collar and pressing their lips together frantically. He can’t go through it all again. Mark has to have a reason for acting like that. And it has to have been a one off. He was drunk. He wouldn’t deliberately hurt Fernando like that.

Lewis is shocked when Fernando starts kissing him, but it doesn’t take long for his hands to grip tightly to the Spaniard, roaming over his body and pulling him back into the room. The glass of water splashes everywhere as Lewis pulls Fernando on top of him, not letting him move an inch away, not letting any air get in between them. He moans lightly into Fernando’s mouth, rolling them over and pushing his tongue passed Fernando’s lips. The Spaniard doesn’t fight as his hands slide underneath Lewis’ shirt, keeping him close and not letting him break their kiss.

Keeping him close allows the memory to power on.

_“I… Have never…” Fernando swallows, looking down at his hands. The one that takes hold of them is warm and comforting. It makes those little sparks buzz in his stomach again. His chin is tilted up as it has been so many times before and he lets Mark take control, gives everything to Mark because right now he doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing._

_“I haven’t had much experience myself, mate.” Mark admits, running his thumb gently over Fernando’s bottom lip. Fernando bites the inside of his cheek, unable to control the heat surging around him._

_“More than me.” Fernando tries to joke but his voice is already breathy and broken, revealing just how much Fernando is already gone. Mark kneels in front of him, still keeping himself above Fernando and holding his chin up so he keeps looking at him._

_“What do you know then?” Mark tries, watching Fernando closely. Fernando swallows, feeling the blush run up his cheeks. “Have you watched some stuff?” Mark knows he would have. Fernando likes to know exactly how to do things and this will be no different. If he can just get the Spaniard talking about it…_

_“Y-yes…” Fernando breathes, gasping as Mark’s hand runs down his side. He feels like he’s melting, Mark’s fingertips sending a thousand little shocks all over his skin._

_“What did you like?” Mark purrs in his ear before setting a gentle kiss below it. Fernando’s mouth falls open as ragged breathes spill into Mark’s ear. It’s too much. Fernando can’t even start to organize his thoughts._

Somehow they end up on the bed, Lewis pushing Fernando into the mattress as the Spaniard fights with the buttons on his shirt. They’re both in such different places mentally it’s a shock they’re actually doing this together. Rolling his hips Lewis pulls a beautiful moan out of Fernando he hasn’t heard for too long. He attacks his neck with his lips, hungrily trying to evoke that sound again.

“Just rip it.” Lewis grunts, sitting up, straddling Fernando, in an attempt to aid the Spaniard in getting his shirt off. But Fernando’s eyes are still closed and Lewis can see the pleasure painted across his face. He shoves Fernando’s hands away, ripping the shirt off himself before pulling open each of Fernando’s buttons dreadfully slowly, making him pine and whimper under his delicate touches.

_“Fuck…” Mark has seen Fernando shirtless before, but completely naked and squirming under him is a sight he doesn’t want to forget in a hurry. Fernando blinks his eyes open at him, getting harder at the expression on Mark’s face. He needs him touching him again. He needs to feel his hands back on him. It seems like so long ago since he was touched and he’s gaging for Mark’s fingers. “Patience, Fernando.” Mark smirks as Fernando whimpers at him, trying to move his legs to get Mark back on top of him. He waits until Mark has sat back up, releasing his wrists, before he sits up too – pulling Mark’s boxers down and taking him in one go._

_The noise that spills out of Mark’s mouth has Fernando thrusting into the air. The Australian’s hands drift up and down Fernando’s shoulders until they settled tightly into his hair. Looking up at the panting Australian with half lidded eyes Fernando slowly moves back, releasing Mark until he can easily play his slit with he tongue, causing Mark to thrust back into him._

_“That’s not… Not patient.” Mark puffs his eyes screwed shut in pleasure. Fernando smirks at him._

_“Was my turn to see.” He winks before taking all of Mark back down again._

“I’ve missed you.” Lewis kisses into the back of Fernando’s neck as the Spaniard grips tightly to the bed sheets. He’s slowly easing his way into the Spaniard, the heat wrapping around the pair of them hidden from the world by the duvet. “So much. So so much.” He stills when he’s fully inside Fernando, waiting for the Spaniard to adjust, waiting for the telltale sign he’s ready and adjusted to the new intrusion. “Never leave me again…”

_“Joder! Joder! Joder! Joder!” Fernando moans into Mark’s ear, his arms tightly around his neck as the Australian thrusts up into him. This is pleasure beyond pleasure. Something he could never get from a woman. Mark and he feel connected on so many levels he never wants to be apart from the Australian again. Mark nips lightly at his neck, causing Fernando to throw his head back, arching into him and giving him access to all of his body. “Joder…”_

_“Fuck, mate, I… You’re so fucking hot.” Mark breaths, barely in control of the speed his chest is rising and falling anymore. He pulls Fernando closer, both of them spilling filth from their mouths as the new angle sends unknown pleasure racing through them._

_“Never… Stop…” Fernando pants, resting his forehead against Mark’s as they exchange breaths, his grip on the back of Mark’s neck dreadfully tight. Mark kisses him, only to have Fernando falling away as he slams into him, his pace still fast. “Harder…”_

_“Nano…” Mark doesn’t want to push this. It’s the first time for Fernando and he doesn’t want to hurt him. This will hurt enough as it is. But as Fernando opens his now black eyes and locks them on Mark the Australian knows he’s putty in his hands._

_The sounds that spill out of Fernando’s mouth throw Mark towards his climax. His fingers are slipping on holding it back and he can’t stop it. Everything is too much. How many times he has dreamed about this; never would his dreams compare to the real thing. He’s sure in a moment someone is going to smack on the wall and tell them to shut up but he doesn’t care. Let the whole world hear. This is bliss beyond bliss and in this moment he knows he could never do anything to loose this. It’s too much, too good._

_“Nano… I… Clooohh…” Mark can barely string the words together but Fernando seems to get the message. He lowers himself back onto the bed, bringing Mark with him before guiding Mark’s hand towards his aching member._

_“Together…” Fernando mutters, clenching around Mark. It spaces Mark out for a moment and he honestly thinks it’s all over. He moves to pull out of the Spaniard but Fernando holds him still. “Por favour.” Mark doesn’t wait to be told twice._

Fernando moans desperately into the pillow as his orgasm rolls over him, throwing his eyes open and hoping on everything he doesn’t accidently call Mark’s name. He feels the stickiness of Lewis hit his back and he knows the illusion is shattered. The self-loathing rolls over him as Lewis wraps an arm around his waist, soaking the mattress with Fernando’s load. He suddenly can’t breathe. It suddenly all washes over him that he’s just had sex with Lewis whilst thinking about Mark. And it’s all too much. His eyes are glued wide open and he can’t comprehend what he’s just done. He just wanted Lewis to be quiet and now he feels horrible and dirty.

Lewis places a kiss on the back of his shoulder before rolling beside him. Fernando knows he’s going to have to roll over soon and face what he’s done. How he wishes this is a mistake. He’ll roll over and it will be Mark. And that will be Ok. But he knows he’s not and he can feel the tears rushing to his eyes.

What has he done?


	26. He'll Know You Want Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But did you ever really love him? Or was it always the one you promised your heart to…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Four to go!
> 
> #ForzaJules  
> \- - - - - - - - - - -

“Are getting married?” Andrea asks, anger and confusion rushing through him. Mark just looks at him, slightly confused as to why Andrea is taking this so badly. Surely Andrea would want this? He’s made it pretty clear that he doesn’t like Mark anymore. Made it clear that he’s not going to help him try and get Fernando back because he doesn’t think he deserves him. So why would it be a problem to him that Fernando was marrying him?

“That’s what Lewis said.” Mark mutters, watching the Italian as he gets to his feet.

“Why… But… How long?” Andrea splutters. Mark just shrugs.

“I have no idea. It just got screamed at me.”

“Fernando does not want to marry Lewis.” Andrea explains, still one hundred per cent confused.

“What?”

“Is still married to you, is not even possible.”

“What do you mean he doesn’t want to marry Lewis?” Mark asks as Andrea begins to pace in front of him.

“This is… Wrong. Fernando does not want this.”

“How do you know that? Has Fernando said?”

“Has said he does not want to marry again.” Andrea told the carpet. “This does not make sense.”

“I have to be honest I thought you would know about it.” Mark says lightly. Andrea bites his lip.

“What else are they hiding?” He mutters, more to himself than Mark. Mark still hears though and it’s enough to put the Australian on the back foot.

“Hiding? What do you mean hiding?” Andrea sends a glance Mark’s way before continuing his pacing.

“Do not know…”

“You do. What are you talking about?”

“Has nothing to do with you, Mark.” Andrea suddenly snaps, spinning to face the Australian.

“He’s my husba-”

“-Not anymore!” Mark and Andrea share a glare, both of them angry with someone else but aiming it at each other.

“What makes you think something is being hidden?” Mark pushes. Andrea turns his back, running his hands over his face and into his hair.

“Nothing…”

“Andrea, this is important.” Mark also gets to his feet, trying to remain calm. Andrea shrugs his hand off his shoulder.

“Is nothing to do with you.” Andrea seethes.

“I have a right-”

“-You give up this right when you-!”

“-If they’re hiding something from you how do you know Lewis isn’t doing the same?” Mark rages, raising his voice to talk over Andrea’s. Andrea blinks at him, swallowing hard. Isn’t that what he’s fearing. “You don’t, do you? So don’t you dare throw that shit in my face.”

“Lewis loves Fernando…” Andrea tries, desperate to believe he’s not made a mistake leaving Fernando with Lewis. That was one time, right? And Fernando had said it was nothing. Just a misunderstanding. But now Andrea isn’t so sure. If Fernando is telling him one thing but doing another why could that not be the same again? Why could Fernando not be hiding something from him? Why _would_ Fernando be hiding something from him? Andrea feels totally lost.

“I love Fernando.” Mark states, his tone serious. Andrea closes his eyes. He knows what mark is trying to say. _If I could do it to him why couldn’t Lewis?_ Andrea knows some of the things Lewis did to get with Fernando. If anyone is more likely to hurt Fernando, at this point, it’s Lewis.

But then again, this could all be innocent accusations.

“Is Fernando’s choice.” Andrea says quietly, opening his eyes. He doesn’t say anymore, just moves passed Mark towards the wardrobe holding the spare bedding. Mark looks at him like he’s gone mental.

“You’re leaving him there?” Mark almost gasps. Andrea lets out a deep breath.

“Lewis says the same about me leaving him with you.”

“Yeah, but we all know what I did-”

“-Do we?” Andrea fires, holding the pillows against his chest. “Are always going on about how no one but the two of you really know.”

“Don’t get clever with me.” Mark snarls, crossing towards the Italian. “You know what I did. Everyone fucking knows what I did.”

“Do not.”

“Andrea-”

“-Look, do not even know if there is any reason to worry.” The Italian tries, all the while trying to shift the worry out of his stomach. “Is just guesses.”

“You don’t know stuff. You just admitted that and I can see you’re worried about something.”

“So what do you propose? Go down there and drag Fernando away even if he wants to stay?”

“Yes.” Mark nods, folding his arms. Andrea presses the bedding into him.

“Ridiculous, Lewis.”

“Stop comparing us.” Mark grits as the Italian moves passed him, rage burning through him.

“Are sounding just like him, Mark. All these accusations and desperation to have Fernando to yourself. Is Fernando’s choice and we respect that.”

“But you’ve just said there is stuff you don’t know!”

“Is always things I will not know. Fernando does not tell me everything and does not have to.”

“So we’re leaving him with Lewis?”

“Will go tomorrow morning and get him to take him to Italy for his test. If he wants Lewis with us then Lewis comes. After the test he goes with who he wants.”

“But-”

“-One night cannot hurt, Mark. What is the worst that could happen?” Mark can’t talk to Andrea when he seems this stupid and naïve. Everything could happen. Or nothing, but the worry is Andrea is scared of something that might have happened. Shouldn’t that be enough to pull Fernando out of there?

“I’m going back to my room.” Mark spits, throwing the bedding on the sofa. “I’ll see you in-”

“-Are staying right here, Mark.” Andrea shoots, standing in the Australian’s way. “Am not going to let you go down there and start a fight at this time in the morning.”

“I’m going to _my_ room.” Mark stresses, trying to step around Andrea. Andrea continues to block his path, shaking his head.

“Am sorry but do not trust you. Not like this. Stay here.”

“Andrea-!”

“-Is not up for discussion.” Andrea bites, folding his arms tightly. Aggressively Mark throws the bedding around, making up a make-shift bed for himself. Andrea waits patiently until Mark begins throwing his clothes around until he’s left only in his boxers. With an angry huff Mark throws himself onto the sofa like a moody teenager. “Thank you.”

“Bite me.” Mark snaps, rolling over so his back is to Andrea.

“Good night.” Andrea sighs, moving back towards his own bed. Mark faces the ceiling as Andrea turns out the light, dipping them into darkness.

“You know, if you have any reason to be worried about what Lewis might do to Fernando, leaving him down there – alone, vulnerable and confused – is not in his best interest.”

“Go to sleep, Mark.” Andrea says tiredly. But Mark is wide awake, no where close to sleep.

“It’s just funny because all through this fiasco that’s all you’ve been going on about.”

“Sleep.”

“If you really cared about him you’d go and take him out of any potential danger, even if there was nothing to worry about. Just in case.”

“Then really should not have left him with you.” Andrea replies harshly. It quietens Mark. Andrea knows Mark is angry and scared and having himself be dubious now about how little he knows Mark is well within his rights to be upset about this. But Andrea can’t go storming down there; that wouldn’t be fair to Lewis. He’s already taking Fernando away in the morning anyway. Besides, that incident was ages ago. And Fernando had said there was nothing to it. To go down there now would be to distrust Fernando. And even if the Spaniard couldn’t remember any of it Andrea had to believe him.

But if it happens again… Andrea will feel terrible.

\- - - - -

_Andrea is stood in the car park, waiting with a concerned expression on his face. Fernando should definitely be here by now; there is no denying it. Fernando is never late, especially not by an hour. Andrea can’t say he’s not worried; he’ll definitely be demanding an explanation when Fernando shows up. If Fernando shows up… Andrea shakes the thought from his head. That’s stupid. Fernando will be here. Fernando has to be here._

_Andrea lets out a sigh of relief when he sees Lewis’ car pull up. He checks his watch, ready to give Fernando a good talking to but he stops when only Lewis gets out the car. The Brit pulls his bag from the back, shutting the door and locking it up before walking past Andrea, not even registering he’s there. Andrea is confused; Fernando should be with Lewis, right? He knows he’s not with Mark because Mark is already here. This doesn’t make any sense…_

_He gets his phone out, calling the Spaniard but again it rings through. He doesn’t stop trying but the result is always the same. No answer. Just the ominous ringing of the phone. Andrea doesn’t know what to do. Fernando has about an hour until first practice starts and he’s still not here. He knows any minute Stefano is going to come storming down the paddock demanding to know where Fernando is. And if Fernando doesn’t get here soon they’ll have to put the test driver in for the session, and that’s going to raise more questions and get them more unwanted attention._

_Just as Andrea is really starting to panic Fernando walks through the gate. Relief spirals through the Italian as he moves forwards to his driver. But Fernando’s got his head down, cap low over his eyes and sunglasses on, looking like he doesn’t want to be spotted. That worries Andrea as much as his disappearance had. He catches Fernando’s shoulder, letting go quickly when the Spaniard gasps in fear. He relaxes when he recognises it’s Andrea._

_“You are late.” Andrea says, watching Fernando closely. Fernando adjusts the bag on his shoulder, walking on and ignoring his race engineer. “Why are you late?”_

_“Got held up.” Fernando mutters to the floor, still not looking up._

_“Did not come with Lewis.”_

_“Prefer to walk…” Andrea can tell something is wrong. Fernando seems too small._

_“What happened? Did you fight?”_

_“No.”_

_“Fernando-”_

_“-Am fine.” Fernando shoots, dipping into the Ferrari motorhome. Andrea follows him, confused when his sunglasses stay on._

_“Have an hour before free practice-”_

_“-Know this.” Fernando hisses, moving towards his cool down room. Andrea is three steps behind him._

_“Am worried, Fernando.”_

_“Do not be. Am fine.” Andrea reaches for Fernando’s shoulder to stop him moving forwards but Fernando curls away from him in pain. They exchange a worried look; Andrea worried for Fernando’s well being and Fernando worried for reasons Andrea doesn’t know._

_“Are you hurt?”_

_“Am fine… Just fell…”_

_“Fernando-”_

_“-Leave me alone.” Fernando bites, moving into his room and slamming the door behind him. Andrea hovers outside the door, knowing he needs to go in but also wanting to respect Fernando’s wishes. Shaking his head he pushes open the door, not ready to see Fernando with his shirt off. Not ready to see the hot red marks decorating his back. Andrea stands with his mouth open in shock, unable to comprehend what is going on. “Told you to-!”_

_“-Is not a fall.” Andrea breathes, his fingers lightly tracing Fernando’s back. “Has someone hit you?”_

_“No.” Fernando snarls, moving away from Andrea and pulling on his fireproof shirt. Andrea grabs the material before it slides down his back, still looking in shock at the damage to Fernando’s skin._

_“Has Lewis seen this?” Andrea asks, completely stunned as to how this has happened. Fernando steps away from him, letting the material cover his back._

_“Lewis is not talking to me at the moment.” Fernando mutters, fiddling with his sunglasses with his back to Andrea. Andrea folds his arms._

_“Did he do this to-?”_

_“-No.” Fernando adds quickly, eyes still on the floor. “I… I just fell…”_

_“Does not look like it.”_

_“Well is what happens, Ok?” Fernando snarls, dropping his sunglasses on his desk and pulling his race suit from its hanger._

_“… Did Mark…?” Andrea doesn’t finish the question; regrets even starting it after the look Fernando sends him._

_“Have not seen Mark for a long time.” Fernando says, his voice angry (and, unknown to Andrea, he lies). Andrea drops his head._

_“Am sorry, but does not look like you fall.”_

_“Well have. So drop it.” Fernando huffs, pulling his race suit over his shoulders. Andrea waits a little while longer, knowing that this isn’t just Fernando falling somewhere. The marks are too precise, too new. This isn’t the work of a fall._

_“Where do you fall?” Fernando sighs dramatically, focusing on tying the laces of his race boots._

_“Down some stairs…”_

_“Stairs?”_

_“In the hotel…” Andrea is sure the statement sounds more like a question._

_“Have had a fight with Lewis?”_

_“Lewis does not do this.” Fernando stresses, changing feet._

_“Will still be Ok to drive?”_

_“Am fine. Just a few bruises.” Fernando nods. Feeling like Fernando won’t tell him anything else Andrea leaves him to finish getting ready. He’s one hundred per cent certain that this is the work of someone and not some stairs. He’s certain that someone has done this to Fernando. But who? If Fernando and Lewis have had a fight could it have been Lewis? No, Andrea can’t see this having been Lewis’ work. Maybe Mark? Andrea bites his lip as he thinks back to that time that feels like a lifetime ago. He had confronted Mark about that and, yes, maybe the Australian had explained but that still wasn’t Ok. A one off, Mark had promised. But what if the Lewis stuff got too much for him? Then there was the fact Fernando had walked to the circuit. What if someone had decided they would show Fernando what they thought of his public sexual preference? Andrea knew homosexuals weren’t exactly well taken here in Abu Dhabi…_

_But then did they look like punch marks?_

_No. Andrea is certain they were made with something else. Definitely not stairs._

_But then again, why would he not believe Fernando? What reasons would Fernando have to lie to him? He came straight to him after the Mark incident, why would he bother hiding something like this? Maybe Andrea is just being paranoid. Maybe Fernando did just fall down some stairs…_

\- - - -

Fernando stares at the ceiling, hating the fact he’s not really wearing anything. Lewis fell asleep ages ago, his light breaths tickling across Fernando’s shoulder. It’s unsettling. It makes Fernando feel worse and worse. He’s feeling stupidly guilty. He feels like he has wronged Mark. This isn’t right. If what everyone has been saying he’s been with Lewis for a little while. He _must_ have done this before. He must have slept with Lewis before. But why is he now feeling like he cheated on Mark? What is with that feeling?

He doesn’t know or doesn’t understand but he knows that he feels sick. He can’t stay here. He can’t lie next to Lewis and sleep and pretend everything is Ok. He can’t sleep. Guilt is mingling in his stomach and he wants to shower. And then shower again. And then shower again. Get the whole evening off him and pretend it never happened. How could he do this to Mark? How could he just abandon him and fall into bed with the next person he found? This isn’t right.

Throwing the duvet back he climbs out of the bed, being extra careful not to wake Lewis up. But it seems the combination of alcohol and sex has thrown the Brit into a deep sleep. He rolls into the now empty bed, starring out across the double mattress. Fernando doesn’t care enough to check he’s still asleep, moving around the room and pulling his clothes back on. He’s changed his mind. He doesn’t care about the scary memory anymore. Just like last time, with the divorce memory, he wants someone to explain. Mark can explain. He wants to go back to Mark. He should have gone to Mark in the first place. Mark will tell him it was a misunderstanding, a one off and then Fernando will forgive him and they can go back to how they were.

It’s just whether Mark will forgive him for cheating on him with Lewis…

Fernando refuses to give it much thought. He just needs to get back to Mark. Mark wanted to explain things so maybe it’s time he lets the Australian do just that. Then nothing more will come as a surprise to him. Then he’ll know everything and understand why they want a divorce and can set about fixing things so that they can forget the divorce, forget Lewis and go back to them. Thinking about it that’s all Fernando wants. He just wants Mark back. He’s comfortable with Mark. He _knows_ Mark.

Sending a quick glance back to Lewis to make sure he’s still asleep Fernando leaves the room quietly.

He’s still thinking about his memory of Mark as he moves down to their room. How it felt to have Mark’s hands all over him, watch the Australian fall apart in his arms, feeling him inside him; that warmth spreading through him as they both reached their climax. He stops himself as he moves onto their corridor, feeling a little hard again. Just thinking about Mark is enough to make him yearn for his body. Clean and bare unlike Lewis’ – covered in ink. He loves Mark’s body. He loves the smattering of hair he can run his fingers through, Mark’s unique scent he could recognise with his eyes closed, the fluttering and contraction of his muscles whenever Fernando runs feather-light fingertips down his body. He finds that he can’t get enough of it, and trying to work out why he would give Mark up for Lewis is baffling.

It’s a mistake he’s made before but he’s not going to do it again. Whatever Mark did they’re going to forget so they can fix their marriage.

Fernando already has the words ready when he opens the door to Mark and his room. He wants Mark to explain so they can work passed it. He wants Mark to tell him their issues so they can fix them and he can forget about Lewis. He just wants Mark back. Spending even the short amounts of time with Lewis that he has have made him realise how much he wants Mark. How much he loves Mark and not Lewis. Even back in Spain he left Lewis alone in his house to go to Mark. He wants Mark. And the mistake he has made with Lewis has made him even more desperate to get Mark back.

He’s not ready for their room to be empty.

The small smile that was on Fernando’s face drops to the floor. No, no, no, he doesn’t want an empty room he wants Mark. Mark’s warm embrace, Mark’s beautiful words, Mark’s soft voice. Why can’t he have him? Why isn’t he here?

_“Is nice to find you alone-”_

Fernando grabs the doorframe but not because he feels dizzy. No, Mark wouldn’t do that to him. Fernando will not believe it. It’s… Mark loves him Mark wouldn’t hurt him like that. He’s just not here because… Because…

_“…Is he too busy tonight to be here?”_

His own voice haunts him and he throws himself into the room, sinking into the bed, trying to find Mark on the pillows. But he’s not there, not even the idea of him is there. Fernando shakes his head, panicking and looking around the room. Mark wouldn’t hurt him like this. Mark wouldn’t do that. He’s here somewhere. He has to be.

Fernando almost falls out of the bed, tripping over Mark’s bag, having not known that it was there. He looks round from his sprawled position on the floor, moving to it quickly and pulling out a handful of Mark’s clothes. He smiles brightly, bringing them to his nose. It settles him, calming him quickly. Just like the real man does to him. Breathing deeply he begins looking through the clothes, extracting one of Mark’s jackets.

He doesn’t think twice as he gets to his feet, undressing to his underwear. He pulls on Mark’s clothes not caring about what he’s put on or how it looks, only caring that he’s drowning in the illusion of Mark. Once he’s dressed, wearing grey joggers, a Red Bull shirt and a black hoodie, he sits himself in the middle of their bed, breathing freely. This just makes him ache for Mark more. He doesn’t want a mere illusion when he could have the real thing.

_Mark wouldn’t hurt you like that. He’s probably just looking for you! What if he’s gone to Lewis’ to find you? He’ll know you want him. You should go there and wait for him. He’ll go there first to find you._

Getting to his feet and leaving the mess behind him, Fernando leaves the room, closing the door behind him as he moves back up to Lewis’ room. He’s glad he didn’t shut the door properly when he left the first time, able to get back into Lewis’ room easily enough. He leaves the door open a fraction so Mark can get in easily as he moves a chair across the room so it’s facing the door. Lewis is still asleep, exactly where Fernando left him, but Fernando barely even thinks to check. Not that he cares. If Lewis asks what he is doing he will tell him. The sooner Lewis knows their relationship is over the better and easier it will be for everyone.

Taking a seat, Fernando curls into Mark’s slightly big clothing, breathing the man he loves in with his eyes locked on the door. He’s not even a little tired, completely prepared to stay here as long as he has to waiting for Mark.

\- - -

“You’re not sleeping, are you?” Mark asks the dark room. He knows he won’t be sleeping. He’s too worried about the unknown Andrea is worried about. There is a moment of silence and Mark considers for a minute whether he’s got this wrong. Maybe Andrea is fine with whatever he is worried about. Maybe Andrea has taught himself to deal with the worry and not actually worry about it. That really doesn’t sit well with Mark.

However, the Italian’s voice really points out to Mark that he is worrying about it.

“Neither are you.” Andrea mutters. Mark sits up.

“Let me go and get him. Then we can both sleep.”

“Stay where you are, Mark.”

“Andrea, this is stupid.” Mark exclaims, dropping his feet off the sofa. “Fuck knows what that bastard is doing to him!”

“Probably nothing…”

“But you can’t promise me it’s nothing, can you?” Mark snaps, squinting over his shoulder at the dull outline of Andrea. He sees the Italian sit up.

“Will just be asleep, Mark. Do not need to disturb him.”

“What if Lewis gives him the twisted version of how we broke up? I know Lewis will do anything to get him against me.” Andrea falls back onto the mattress.

“More fool you for not explaining.” The Italian yawns. Mark’s jaw locks.

“I was going to tell me he just ran off to-!”

“-Alright! Alright…” Andrea sighs. Mark watches him, waiting for some kind of movement.

“So are we going to get him?”

“No…”

“Andrea!”

“Look, are going in a few hours anyway. Just try and sleep.”

“No.” Mark gets to his feet. “If you think I’m going to leave him there whilst-” Mark’s voice is cut off by a crash. Andrea sits up quickly, turning on the bedside lamp and seeing Mark sprawled on the floor, tangled in a telephone cord. Everything else off the desk has also been swept onto the floor as Mark fell into it. Andrea rubs his eyes.

“Are Ok?” He asks. Mark looks up at him with sad defeated eyes. Andrea doesn’t quite understand.

“What happened?” Mark sighs, pushing off the floor. Andrea frowns at him as he begins to untangle himself.

“Happens?”

“What have you suddenly thought of that has made you dubious about Lewis?” Andrea shakes his head, reaching for the light.

“Good ni-” Mark grabs his wrist, dragging half the telephone with him.

“-You can’t sleep and I can’t sleep. We’re both worried for Fernando. Problem is I don’t know why.” Mark begs. Andrea drops his head. “Please, just tell me what happened.”

“Cannot…” Andrea admits sadly.

“Why not?” Mark asks, his voice getting more desperate and his hold on Andrea tightening. Andrea risks looking up at him, swallowing forcedly.

“Because if I tell you then definitely will demand we go now.”

“I’m going now anyway if you don’t tell me.”

“Please just try to sleep-”

“-Andrea.” Mark closes his eyes, taking a calming breath. He looks at the Italian, not aware of how raw his emotions are now showing in his eyes. “Please just tell me why you’re scared Fernando and Lewis are hiding stuff.” Andrea swallows. He seems to be between a rock and a hard place. Right now he’s just trying to work out which is the worse option; letting Mark go or telling him about what happened at the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if some of this seemed a little messy, I'm more talking about the Fernando part; I was just trying to get certain things down. I guess this is sort of just a filler, putting together the last few pieces before we breach the end :')
> 
> *14*


	27. Is All Very Familiar...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fiorano is a famous track, known for creating history… Or maybe helping remember it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three to go!
> 
> #ForzaJules  
> \- - - - - - - - -

“Wha-?” Fernando startles himself awake, groaning at the ache in his neck as he grabs for it. Throwing himself off balance he tumbles to the floor, dragging the tray of confectionary teas and coffees crashing down with him. Now feeling completely disorientated he stares at the ceiling for a moment, trying to work out what the hell is going on.

_No, he was dreaming about Mark. Mark is still not here._

He doesn’t know exactly how long he’s been asleep for, but he knows he had been waiting for Mark. Because Mark was coming to get him out of this mess. That was right. Nodding and taking a deep breath Fernando sits up, still rubbing at his sore neck. In some respects he kind of wishes he had stayed down.

“Ferri?” He can see Lewis squinting at him from the bed, he’s just trying to work out whether to ignore him or not. “Ferri come back to bed.” He groans, his arm sticking out from the duvet. Fernando turns over his shoulder, looking back at the door. Any moment Mark is going to knock. He knows it. If he just waits a little longer…

“Ferri.” Lewis’ tone is suddenly harsh, demanding. It makes Fernando shrink into himself, turning away from the door. He doesn’t want to get into bed with Lewis. He doesn’t want to so he won’t. “I told you to do something, Fernando.” It’s a tone Fernando hates. He knows he hates it because it makes his skin crawl. And he wants to defy it, he really does…

But he’s already getting to his feet.

Three knocks on the door having him stopping.

“Ferri, don’t answer that.” Lewis shoots, sitting up, but Fernando has already gone. He’s smiling lightly. He knew Mark was coming. He knew it. He opens the door widely, his smiling widening as a dishevelled looking Mark appears in front of him. Mark’s eyes rake him before he raises an eyebrow.

“Don’t let anyone see you in that.” He says lightly. Fernando frowns down at his chest, not exactly sure what Mark is talking about. “Red Bull, Fer. Not good.” Mark plucks the front of his shirt before taking a step into the room. “Good to go?”

“Go?” Lewis is on his feet, feeling like crap but still highly aware that Mark is, again, taking Fernando away from him. He tries to reach around Mark for Fernando but Fernando steps out of his hold. “What the fuck is going on?”

“Fernando has a test. I’ve come to pick him up.”

“Bullshit.” Lewis spits, stepping further round Mark and pulling Fernando behind him. Fernando pushes his hand off him, trying to return to Mark but Lewis holds a hand out, preventing him from moving any further forwards.

“Ask Andrea.”

“Of course. Andrea who’s on your side.” Lewis bites sarcastically.

“You’re very mistaken there, mate.” Mark shrugs, folding his arms and making no move to pull Fernando back. Lewis holds his arm out solidly beside him. “Ask him if you want. He’ll be here in a moment.”

“… Then I’m coming too.”

“If Fernando wants you to.” Mark nods, his eyes flicking to the Spaniard. Fernando opens his mouth to say something but he doesn’t get a chance.

“Of course he does.” Lewis sneers. “He chose me, Mark. You need to remember that.”

“He’s also got a voice of his own.”

“Right. But he chose me.” Lewis moves his arm, swinging it around Fernando’s shoulders instead of holding it in front of him. Fernando blushes. “And he was with me last night.” Glaring at the floor Fernando turns a deeper shade of red, hoping on everything that Mark doesn’t pick up the double connotation Lewis is pushing to reveal. “So I’ll be _coming_ with him.”

“Whatever.” Mark snaps, trying to keep his emotion hidden. But Lewis is smirking too widely for him to believe he’s been successful. “Fernando’s stuff is in my room so-”

“-You can bring it up for us.” Lewis grins, ushering Fernando back towards the bed. “Then you can fuck off, like you should have done a month ago.”

“Yeah, that’s not going to happen, mate.” Mark states harshly. “He can come downstairs and have a shower, freshen up-”

“-With you?” Lewis barks a laugh. “ _That’s_ not going to happen, Mark.”

“His stuff is downstairs.”

“Then it can be brought up.”

“I’m coming with you irrelevant.”

“Fernando and I aren’t quite done in bed.” Lewis teases, leaning forwards to catch the sitting Fernando’s lips with his own. Only he finds himself falling face first into the duvet. He pushes himself up, confused, suddenly enraged when he sees Fernando hiding, once again, behind Mark’s shoulder.

“Need my stuff…” Fernando mutters to the carpet. Lewis gets back to his feet.

“He picked me, Mark.”

“I’m just going by what he wants, Lewis. And he wants his stuff.”

“Then go get it for him!”

“What are you worried about? That he might have picked me again? This isn’t a fucking game, Lewis.” Mark glares.

“I won’t let you take him away again, man!” Lewis roars, leaping across the bed at Fernando. He doesn’t get a chance.

“No one is taking anyone away, Lewis.” Andrea says in a tired voice, walking through the wide open door. He grabs Fernando’s shoulder, turning him to face him. “You all right?” Fernando just nods, something Andrea echoes before turning back to Mark. “Thought you said you were taking him downstairs.”

“We’re having some difficulties.” Mark mutters, glaring at Lewis still.

“Right. Well go downstairs. Will sort this.” Andrea smiles, leading Fernando from the room. Raised voices follow him but before he knows it the door is shut and Mark is beside him. He doesn’t hold back, curling his arms around the Australian. Mark is slightly stunned to say the least.

“Sorry…” Fernando breathes; hoping with everything Mark will forgive him. Mark just holds him tightly, trying to understand what’s going on. Last night Fernando couldn’t even look at him. Now it’s as if none of it ever happened.

“It’s Ok.” Mark says, because he doesn’t know what else he’s supposed to say. Fernando grips to him tighter. “Do you… Can you tell me what you remembered last night?” He asks carefully, hoping Fernando isn’t about to storm off on him. The Spaniard sighs, peeling himself from Mark and taking his hand instead.

“Do not… Do not understand any of it.” Fernando admits, leading Mark towards their room. Mark is hanging off his every word. “Is so broken, even what I remember. Just… Scares me last night.”

“Ok. So tell me what it was. I might be able to help.” Mark assures. He’ll do anything at this point to bring Fernando back to him and further from Lewis. Especially after Andrea’s revelation only hours earlier.

“Is not… Best.” Fernando tries. “Not now.”

“I can only help you if you talk to me.” Mark reminds following Fernando into their room. He stumbles over his own bag, frowning down at it for a moment before Fernando pulls his attention again. _He came back here last night…._ Sometimes Mark could really kill Andrea.

“Want you to explain.” Fernando says, shifting some of the weight sitting on his chest. Mark just frowns at him.

“I don’t understand, mate.” Perching on the edge of the bed Fernando looks at his hands. Mark crouches in front of him, cupping his cheek and trying to let him know he can just say what he wants to say.

“You say before…. Before I run off to Spain and ruin everything. You say you will explain. Tell me everything I forget…”

“But you said you would remember.” Mark says, feeling confused and now a little bit worried. Does Fernando really not think he’s going to remember anymore? Mark can’t deal with that.

“And maybe will, eventually. But right now is so much I do not and I do not understand. You say you would explain so I would like you to.”

“Mate…” Mark really isn’t comfortable about this. Not anymore. Before he had been desperate to keep Fernando with him but now? Now it seemed like he had more to loose with Fernando remembering…

“Just tell me what I forget. Tell me what happens between us, why we want divorce. Can not understand suddenly falling out of love with you.” A lump rises in Mark’s throat. He can’t do this.

“Now?” Mark croaks. Fernando shakes his head.

“No, do not think this is best. We do the test and then go to dinner. You can tell me everything then and I will listen and let you explain.” Fernando promises.

“Lewis won’t like that.”

“Do not give a fuck about Lewis.” Fernando bites, catching Mark out a little. “But care a lot for you. Can only fix our marriage if I know what happened to make it break.” Fernando coos, stroking a thumb across Mark’s cheekbone. Mark holds his hand in place, as if it’s for the last time, savouring the feeling. “Want to fix us, Mark.”

“Alright.” Mark nods, his eyes closed and still holding Fernando’s hand tightly to his face. “I’ll tell you what happened.”

“Later. Over dinner.” Fernando smiles lightly, already feeling lighter. Mark nods, looking up into Fernando’s happy eyes.

How long until they’re filled with the sadness and anger that haunts Mark’s sleep again?

\- - - - -

“Are having a party now?” Luca seethes, seeing the group of people moving towards the garage he’s standing in. Stefano sends a worried look at his boss.

“Apparently this memory loss thing is still having lots of ramifications.” Stefano tries to explain.

“A Mercedes driver. Here?” Luca is angry. The mechanics scurry away from him, not wanting to be anywhere near if he explodes.

“Is not like there is anything here for him to see…” Stefano mutters to his notepad. Luca glares at him.

“Is not the point.”

“Well, cannot send him away without getting rid of Webber.”

“Then get rid of them both.” Luca demands. Stefano looks out at the advancing group, watching as Lewis hooks Fernando under his arm, pulling him further away from Mark walking beside him.

“Will make them stand outside. Obviously have just come to check Fernando is Ok.”

“If anything gets out because of this your head is the one to roll.” Luca threatens before moving out the front of the garage. Stefano exhales a huge breath, already feeling stupidly tense about this test. What if Fernando fails? Then they’ll have to find a replacement. Maybe Jules… Stefano shakes his head. He’s not thinking about that right now. There are more important things to focus on.

“Fernando.” He smiles brightly, pushing Luca’s threat to the back of his mind. He pulls the Spaniard from Lewis’ hold and into a hug. “How are you feeling?”

“Ok.” The Spaniard nods, looking nervous with little colour in his face. Stefano claps his shoulder.

“Will be fine. Just a routine check but have faith in your abilities.” He beams. Fernando just nods.

“He’ll be perfect. A little bump won’t take away his talent.” Lewis grins, pulling Fernando back to his side. “Back to fighting me for a championship in no time.” Mark openly rolls his eyes.

“Well, let’s get Fernando changed then. You two can stand out the front and watch. We shall get you some headphones.” Stefano explains, leading the two of them out. Or trying to. Andrea moves to Fernando.

“Will show you where to go.” The Italian says, taking Fernando’s shoulder. Before they can go anywhere Lewis pulls him into a tight embrace, pressing their lips together and filling Fernando’s mouth with his tongue. Fernando is on the back foot of the kiss, grabbing at Lewis’ shoulders to stabilise himself. He wants it to stop but seems to have lost that power in Lewis’ assertion.

“You’ll be perfect, Nibby.” Lewis sighs, kissing Fernando’s nose. Fernando stands shell-shocked, feeling slightly off kilter. He glances at Mark apologetically but the Australian just shakes his head.

“Let us get ready, yes?” Andrea says a bit more firmly, glaring at Lewis as he pulls Fernando away. Stefano leads the pair out the front of the garage, passing them a set of headphones as they disappeared. Mark couldn’t help but watch Fernando go with Andrea until it wasn’t possible to see him anymore. He suddenly felt a bit nervous about this.

“Can stay here.” Stefano says before moving back into the garage. Lewis leans against the Armco, tapping his headphones against the metal. Mark keeps his eyes on Fernando, just being able to see him through the window.

“You know, after this we’re going. You can kiss goodbye any ideas you had of getting him back.” Lewis says, stopping his tapping. Mark doesn’t turn to him, keeping his eyes on Fernando as he’s handed the steering wheel, the buttons being shown to him by his head mechanic.

“I think you underestimate how much I mean to him.” Mark mutters, folding his arms.

“Meant.” Lewis declares. “That’s all in the past now.”

“Uh huh.”

“We’re getting married. You can’t stop us. And once we do he’s never going to see you again.”

“But are they his choices or yours?” Mark asks, finally spinning to face Lewis as Andrea leads Fernando through a door at the back of the garage. Lewis glares at him.

“Fernando makes his own choices.”

“Not with you.”

“Right, because you gave him all the choices in the world-”

“-Yes. He made his own decisions. He was his own person with me. You’ve turned him into some fucking robot – doing only as commanded.”

“He’s not a robot. He _wants_ to marry me! He’s the one who proposed!” Mark doesn’t believe that for a second. He scoffs, folding his arms.

“You’re so fucking scared he’ll come back to me you’re forcing him into things he doesn’t want.”

“Like hell he’s ever coming back to you.”

“Look, mate, there is one thing you’ll never be able to do and that’s make him stop loving me.”

“You gave it a bloody good try.” Lewis snakes. Mark gapes at him.

“I wasn’t trying anything. It was a mistake.”

“A mistake I’ll make sure he never forgives you for.”

“Even if he wants to?” Mark snarls, taking a step towards Lewis.

“He’ll never want to. He has me now. I’ll never hurt him.”

“Look at what you’ve already done. You’ve busted him.”

“You broke him before I even got a chance.” Lewis accuses, standing his ground. “What are you going to do, hit me?”

“You’re not even worth my time.” Mark spits, storming away from Lewis and heading down the track. Lewis smirks after him.

“You might not want to disappear, Webber!” Lewis hollers after Mark’s retreating figure. “Might miss your last goodbye!” Mark doesn’t stop still walking further down the track. He knows he’ll go back in a moment; he has to for Fernando, but he just needs to calm down. He doesn’t want to do anything he’ll regret towards Lewis.

\- -

They’d sent Kimi out first. He did ten laps at race pace and all Fernando has to do is match the average time or do better. It’s simple. Everyone is confident he can do it and as long as he’s retained his driving talent in forgetting everything this should be easy. But Fernando’s hands are still shaking. He’s allowed twenty-five laps before they’ll pull him in and assess the situation. Kimi had ten. All he has to do is match Kimi. That’s easy. Easy, easy, easy. Everyone just keeps saying it’s easy. Maybe it is easy. But Fernando is petrified and he feels sick. What if it’s not easy? What if he’s about to loose his drive?

“Deep breaths, Fernando. Is fine.” Andrea’s voice is soothing in his ears as he waits to be let out of the garage. But it’s all so red and it makes him think back to the crash. Forces him to remember believing it was all blue, needing it to be all blue. He shakes his head. He needs to focus. He needs to remember what all of these buttons do so he doesn’t fuck it up.

Looking round the mechanics strapping him in he sees Mark and Lewis. Andrea seems to be based between them. Maybe something happened. Fernando doesn’t know nor does he care. He’s not thinking about that now. He’s not thinking about anything but setting fast laps around a circuit he should, apparently, know like the back of his hand. Still Andrea went through it with him. Apparently Luca wasn’t happy about that.

“Ok. Are ready to go now, Fernando. Are you Ok?” Andrea says, a hint of worry in his voice. Fernando is determined to seem confident, even if he clearly isn’t. He takes a deep breath, blowing it out of his mouth. He knows what he’s doing. This is his job.

“Ok. Am ready.” Fernando nods, looking to the mechanic on the front jack. The tyre blankets come off the car and the mechanics step back, everyone watching Fernando closely. The Spaniard takes another deep breath as the jack is lowered and moved away. Now only his head mechanic left. He’s beckoned forwards. Settling himself with one last breath he kicks the car into gear, easing onto the throttle and rolling forwards. _Did not stall. Good start._ Fernando nods to himself, driving down the small ‘pit lane’ passed Andrea, Mark and Lewis. But he’s not looking at them. He’s not looking at anything but the asphalt spreading in front of him.

Crossing the ‘pit exit’ line Fernando turns off the limiter, pushing his foot closer to the ground and making the engine scream for its life. He feels the sensation running down his arms, the vibrations swirling over his body. His steadying breaths slowly become more normal as he takes the first corner, running wide from the apex but keeping it on track. _Cold tyres. Is Ok._ He rushes through turn three, four and five, braking a little late for six but still managing, just, to keep it on line. _Lost time there. Do not do that again._

“He’s getting quicker…” Mark comments as Fernando starts his third lap. Lewis frowns at him, moving closer to Andrea to read the data, annoyed to find Mark is right. Andrea just nods, keeping a close eye on Fernando as he disappears around the first corner yet again.

“Andrea, tell me the interval.” Fernando calls over the screams of the V8 behind him, his eyes on the next apex as he takes a smooth line going over the bridge. There is a beautiful warmth in the car that keeps him awake and alert. A feeling so very related to motorsport Fernando can hardly believe anyone thought he would forget how to do this.

“Are point two down on Kimi’s slowest. Point six off his fastest.” Andrea happily radios back. Fernando nods to himself, the heat of competition rising in the cockpit. He wants to beat Kimi’s times, but not just beat them – smash them. He wants to really remind Ferrari just how good he is. _Half a second to make up._ He challenges himself. He knows he can do that. He knows if he brakes a little later into turn two he can carry more speed through the next three corners, giving him a better approach to turn six. He’s learning more and more as he drives. Or relearning more like.

“Is five laps complete, twenty left.”

“Fastest time?” Fernando asks. Andrea waits for him to take turn twelve; heading onto the long straight that zips right passed them.

“Fifty-six point seven.”

“And Kimi?”

“Slowest fifty-nine point two, fastest Fifty-six point eight.” Andrea beams. He looks towards Luca, seeing the emotionless but approving expression on his face. Fernando smiles to himself in the car. That’s really good. It took him five laps to get back into the groove. He nods happily to himself.

“Perhaps have not forgotten then.” He jokes, eyes still locked on the tarmac.

“Perhaps not. Suppose we are stuck with you now.” Andrea teases back.

“Keep this pace, Fernando, and there is nothing to worry about.” Stefano smiles down the radio. Lewis and Mark can’t help but be happy for Fernando too; they’d both be lying if they said they thought it would be this easy.

Ten more laps pass quickly and uneventfully, Fernando maintaining the pace and settling everyone’s worries inside and out the garage. Andrea sends another message, _ten laps until we box, confirm?_ And Fernando does just that. There seems to be nothing to worry about. Fernando seems perfectly normal within the car. Lewis had gotten bored of just watching Fernando pass by after a while, sitting back on the patch of grass nearby and sunbathing. Mark’s eyes still rapidly follow the red car around the track, a lot more relaxed than he was when Fernando first set out.

Fernando has fallen into a rhythm. The timing of the rev change with the click of the flappy paddle gear levers almost sounding like music. Potentially a song he knew all the words to. He catches himself humming along and that makes him smile. _Is all very familiar…. Of course. Was your car only last year…_ He shakes his head, trying to fight the frown off his face. He’s got nothing to be frowning about. Everything is fine. Perfect, some might say. Of course the sound of the V8 is familiar. He has raced with it for… Well he doesn’t remember how many years but he’s raced with it for a while.

His lapse in concentration causes him to lock up round nine, brushing the scent of burnt rubber into his helmet. _That is familiar too._ Of course it’s familiar. He must have done it a thousand times in his career before. Even if he can’t remember them all. He chastens himself for loosing focus, his thumb reaching for the radio button to apologise to the team and those watching, tell them that he’s Ok.

But he suddenly shivers involuntarily. And that’s not right because it’s hot in the cockpit. Really very hot. He’s sweating. He can feel the droplets running down his neck, down his back. Can feel the heat pouring from the bodywork enclosing him, holding him close.

But he’s cold. He’s shivering.

“A-Andrea?” He asks, his fingers shakily reaching the radio button. He isn’t well. He doesn’t feel well. He’s ill. He must be. This isn’t right. He doesn’t feel right.

“Six laps, Fernando.” Andrea says, completely missing the panic in his driver’s voice. Fernando swallows dryly, fighting the feeling of nausea crawling up his throat.

“An… Andrea…” Fernando breathes, suddenly confused by all the controls in front of him. Too many buttons. Why are there so many buttons? He can’t work out why there are so many buttons to choose from. Was there always this many buttons? He wants to stop. Needs to stop. He’s not well at all. He thinks he might be sick. He doesn’t want to be sick. Not in the car.

_Not like Mark._

“Fernando? Is everything Ok?” Andrea asks. Lewis sits up, frowning, at his panicked tone (heard through the headphones still on his head).

“He’s slowed right down…” Mark comments, catching a glimpse of Fernando going through turn eleven.

What does that mean? What does he mean not like Mark? That doesn’t make any sense? What is that in reference to? He doesn’t remember! He doesn’t remember anything! He needs to get out. He needs to stop the car now and get out and breathe. He can’t do this. He doesn’t understand and he’s not well. He’s ill. He’s cold in the warm weather and the boiling car. Freezing. So cold he’s shivering. He’s not well.

“Ok, Fernando. Box. Box. Box this lap, confirm?” Andrea pleads down the radio.

“Is there something wrong with the car?” Lewis asks, moving back over to Andrea and Mark.

“Nothing.” Andrea shakes his head.

“But there is something wrong with Fernando.” Mark points out as the Ferrari pulls to the side of the track.

“Andrea sick…” Fernando gasps before pulling desperately at everything holding him in the car. He needs out right now. He needs to get out of the car this second and breath and he needs to get out but he can’t because nothing will let him free and he can’t get out. Who trapped him in this? Was this the idea? Trap him so he is sick? He’s scared. Really scared and he doesn’t understand. “Andrea!” He begs, tears springing in his eyes as his muscles start to shake because he’s so cold. He should not be cold. Not at all.

“MARK!” Stefano yells but it’s too late. The Australian is sprinting down the track to the stricken Ferrari. Before they know it Lewis is hot in his pursuit.

“Fernando try to calm down. Tell me what is happening.” Andrea tries to keep his voice steady but he knows it’s not working. Mark is being chase down by Lewis who is being chased down by a handful of Ferrari mechanics. It’s no matter. Lewis and Mark will still get there first.

“Am stuck! Cannot move! Help me!” Fernando cries, still wrestling with the seatbelts that just won’t let go. He hates this. It’s horrible and no fun. He’s done. He wants out.

“Why did you stop?” Fernando shakes his head. He doesn’t recognise the voice but he knows it’s Luca. He doesn’t want to talk he wants someone helping him. This isn’t funny he’s scared and trapped and-

_Luca? Who the fuck is Luca?_

“Fernando, let go.” Mark pants, severely out of breath as he unlocks the seatbelts from around Fernando. He does not like how much Fernando is shaking. That is not a good sign at all. “Can you get out?”

“Mark sick…” Fernando’s voice is muffled by his helmet but the hand trying to break Mark’s arm speaks for itself. Leaning forwards the Australian unclips the steering wheel, leaving it on the nose as he helps Fernando up.

“Ferri?” Lewis panics, shoving Mark out of the way as soon as Fernando is out of the car and pulling at his helmet. Mark catches Fernando under his arms as his legs give. Forgetting their feud Mark and Lewis’ only concern is Fernando. Mark holds him still as Lewis pulls his helmet free, ripping off his balaclava and pulling out his earphones. Mark sets him back on his feet. “What’s wrong? What’s happening?”

“Sick…” Fernando mutters, the whole race track swaying. He doesn’t like this. He doesn’t like this at all. His head is swimming and he’s holding onto something he doesn’t know what is anymore. He’s certain he’s about to be sick.

“Fuck, he’s freezing…” Mark frowns, keeping Fernando stable.

“Will get his jacket.” Fernando thinks Andrea is the red blur that suddenly disappears from view. He’s so cold, so confused and feeling so sick. He slips in Mark’s arms again.

“Hey. Hey, Fernando! Eyes open please.” Mark shoots hotly, his panic and desperation to keep Fernando awake not being hidden at all.

“What’s wrong with him?” Lewis asks, worried. Soft hands touch Fernando’s face. They’re nice.

“I don’t know, Lewis. Just don’t let him close his eyes.” The engine is still running. Fernando left that running. The low grumble of the V8, waiting to roar, provides a nice backing track.

_AND FERNANDO ALONSO WINS THE 2005 WORLD CHAMPIOSHIP!!!_

_No, no, no, that was a V10…_

How could he forget he won his first championship in a V10? He misses the V10…

“FERNANDO!” Mark can do nothing but ease Fernando down gently as his legs give way. It’s suddenly like the walls in his brain have been lifted and everything is pouring back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so we've reached the dreaded (or highly anticipated) chapter 28...


	28. He Is So Tired Of Fighting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And it all comes flooding back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two to go!
> 
> And finally! Here we go!  
> This is a long one, so just be pre-warned before you crack on with this one :) Very memory based.  
> I'm sorry if some of the memories don't make sense, it's difficult because there is still stuff missing that Fernando wouldn't know because he's either not there or because it's not from his point of view. Some of the memories in here have been posted in earlier parts. You can skip them if you like but I have added/tweaked all of them a little so there will be something different in there if you want to read them back. Plus some things haven't been seen since the first chapters so, because it's been a while, you might want to refresh your memory by reading them again. Plus this gives them to you in chronological order :)  
> Hope you enjoy it and it answers most of your questions! 
> 
> #ForzaJules  
> \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_“Fernando?”_

_“Mmm….” There is a soft sound of laughter that makes the corners of Fernando’s lips curl up._

_“I know you’re awake, mate.”_

_“Am asleep…”_

_“Right. That’s why you’re talking to me, yeah?” Fernando can’t stop the smile growing on his lips, still keeping his eyes closed. He’s very comfortable. He doesn’t really want to move. Involuntarily he hums happily as fingers brush across his cheek. “Come on, mate. We’ve got a flight.”_

_“Get back in bed?” Fernando asks, pulling the duvet closer up around his chin. He blinks his eyes open, shocked to have Mark so close. The Australian kisses his nose._

_“Flight.” Mark chuckles. “Unfortunately it won’t wait for us.”_

_“Then we get a later one?” Fernando suggests, linking his fingers with Mark’s and pulling him back to the bed. Mark sighs, still laughing at Fernando as he is coerced back into the warmth of the sheets._

_“Red Bull are going to be really pissed if I miss that meeting…” Mark points out, making no sign of moving away from Fernando. Fernando beams at him._

_“But am adorable. Cannot resist my adorableness.”_

_“Are you ever not using that against me?” Mark asks happily as Fernando pulls his shirt over his head. Tossing the material to be lost in the room Fernando exhales happily, resting his head on Mark’s chest. He couldn’t feel more content when Mark wraps his arms back around him. “You know, you’re even more adorable when you don’t even try…” Mark mutters, kissing softly at the side of Fernando’s face. Fernando cranes his head round, pushing their lips together lightly._

_“Last night…” Fernando starts, still not sure how to comprehend it into words. Mark just smiles brightly at him._

_“It bodes really well for me that you enjoyed that.” Mark winks. Fernando blushes._

_“Yes?” Fernando’s breath gets stuck in his throat as Mark rolls them so he is lying on top of the Spaniard._

_“Hmm…” Mark nods, stealing Fernando’s lips lightly wit his own. Fernando wraps his arms around Mark’s neck, pulling the Australian closer._

_“Mark!” He whines as the Australian slips away from him, laughing and taking the duvet with him. Fernando sulkily pouts spectacularly at him._

_“You have being cute and I have last night. I think it’s fair – evens the playing field.” Mark smirks, discarding the duvet by his feet and folding his arms. “Now get up.”_

_“No…” Fernando whinges, rolling over with his back to Mark. Mark moves around the bed until he’s crouched by Fernando’s face._

_“Come on, we can’t stay in bed forever.”_

_“Can…”_

_“Then how are you going to show Ferrari how you kick arse, hey?” Mark coos, running his fingers softly through Fernando’s hair. Fernando closes his eyes again, revelling in Mark’s touch._

_“Do not want to leave you yet…” Fernando whispers. It still feels so strange how much he needs Mark in his life now. It’s scary how dependent he’s become on one person. He never felt like this with Raquel._

_“It’s only two days.” Mark reminds, lying next to Fernando and pulling him into his arms. “They’ll fly by. You won’t even notice I’m not there.”_

_“Will.” Fernando nods, breathing Mark in and committing the comforting smell to his memory forever. Mark kisses Fernando’s forehead, sitting them both up._

_“Here…” Mark says, pulling some soft material over Fernando’s head. Fernando frowns until Mark’s scent brushes passed his nose. He blinks down at the plain shirt Mark pulled on him as it settles over his chest. “Two days. I promise I’ll call you as much as I can.” Fernando wants to say something but he can’t find words as Mark continues to dress him in his clothes. “I might even be able to get to you sooner.”_

_“Is this weird?” Fernando asks as Mark zips the hoodie up. Mark’s eyes flick from the zip to Fernando’s eyes. “Do not want you to go. Want to come with you.”_

_“We talked about this. It’s not really practical, mate.” Mark sighs sadly._

_“No I know… Just… Is not weird? How much I do not want you to go?”_

_“I don’t want to go either, mate. Guess love makes us do crazy shit.” Mark shrugs, getting up to find Fernando’s clothes. The Spaniard gapes at him, turning over his shoulder to keep looking at his boyfriend._

_“Am sorry?” Mark looks up at him, dropping the jeans on the bed._

_“Huh?”_

_“What do you just say?” Mark’s cheeks tinge red as Fernando looks at him closely._

_“I…”_

_“You say you love me?” Mark’s face goes even redder as he nervously looks up at Fernando._

_“Well… I didn’t… Not exactly-”_

_“-Love you too.” Fernando beams, catching Mark out. Mark blinks at him._

_“You love me?”_

_“Of course.” Fernando giggles, pulling Mark closer and stealing another kiss. He can feel Mark smiling against him and it makes more happiness ripple through him. “Of course I love you.”_

_“Can you…” Mark rests their foreheads together. “No… No it’s silly.”_

_“What is it?”_

_“Nothing.”_

_“Mark, nothing is silly.” Fernando promises. He cups Mark’s cheek, getting the Australian to look at him. “Ask.”_

_“Can you…. Say it in… Spanish?” Mark blusters, feeling really silly. Fernando kisses up to Mark’s ear._

_“Te amo…” He whispers, laying his accent on thick. The wind is knocked out of him as he finds himself on his back on the bed, Mark lying on top of him and kissing him passionately. Fernando’s body sings as he grips tightly to Mark’s hair, his body arching into the Australian’s as Mark kisses down his neck. “What about… Flight?” Fernando pants as Mark sucks lightly on his hip._

_“We’ll catch a later one.” Mark grunts, giving Fernando no chance to react as he pulls on the elastic around his waist._

That was the Italian Grand Prix, 2009.

Fernando doesn’t understand. He doesn’t remember that. He doesn’t know what that is but he does. He knows the date, he’s knows the race result, he knows that Mark flew to meet him a day early. He remembers.

It’s confusing and his head hurts but he remembers.

“Fernando?” The voice is panicked. Fernando thinks it is Mark. But he keeps his eyes closed because anything else right now might just make him throw up. His head is killing him. It feels like all the memories and information he had forgotten is pressing on his brain, trying to fill up the once empty space with too much stuff. He grips tightly to the arm wrapped around him, just trying to breathe.

It’s all coming back. His memory is all coming back.

“Mark?” Fernando gasps, his fingers tightening on whoever is holding him. The hand squeezes his back.

“It’s Ok, I’ve got you.”

“…Back…” _It’s all coming back._

“What?” _Lewis._ Fernando wants to scream. There is too much trying to fight for his attention. “Has he hurt his back?”

“I don’t know.”

“Jacket.” Another voice says. Fernando shivers involuntarily as the hold on him is loosened, suddenly replaced by something warmer. And then Mark’s arm is back. _Is nice…_

 

_Something soft is playing through his hair. It’s very nice. Soothing, comforting. It makes it not such a bad thing it is pulling him from his sleep. He happily discards his dream, moving towards that feeling, the softness of the touch, the familiarity of it. He knew Mark would come back eventually. He knew Mark would need him. He didn’t mind waiting; this had never happened to him. He has no idea how Mark could be feeling. But he is willing to be a comforting set of arms that hold him tight and tell him it wasn’t his fault. He can do that._

_“Sorry.” Mark mutters, kissing lightly at Fernando’s forehead as the Spaniard opens his eyes. “Didn’t mean to wake you.” Mark’s hand falls from Fernando’s hair as he is pulled into the bed. Fernando climbs on top of him after laying him down, resting his hands on Mark’s chest._

_“Are Ok?” Fernando asks gently, trying to gauge the situation. Mark lets out a deep breath._

_“No…” He doesn’t lie. Fernando loves that Mark feels comfortable enough with him to be so open. Mark takes Fernando’s hips as the Spaniard starts on undressing him – making him comfortable for bed._

_“You still get the podium. Are still leading the Championship.” Fernando reminds, dropping Mark’s shirt to the floor._

_“That’s not the point….”_

_“Was not your fault that you crash-”_

_“-I don’t really want to talk about it.” Mark says, stopping Fernando from undoing his jeans and securing him against his body. Fernando drags the duvet over his shoulders as Mark kicks his jeans off, letting the Australian arrange him where he wants him. Mark slides down the bed until they’re nose to nose. “I don’t deserve you…”_

_“Mark.” Fernando frowns, grabbing Mark’s face quickly. How can Mark even say that?_

_“It’s true. You should leave me.”_

_“What has gotten in to you?” Fernando gasps, holding Mark tighter. None of this makes sense. Fernando can’t follow._

_“I’m…”_

_“You do not do this. He crashes you. You were leading.” Fernando assures. Mark shakes his head._

_“It doesn’t matter.”_

_“Mark, are racers. These things happen. Does not make you a bad person. Is not your fault.” Mark pulls Fernando closer, breathing him in._

_“I don’t deserve you…” Mark repeats, his voice quiet, muffled in Fernando’s hair. Fernando opens his mouth to tell him he does but Mark reaches over him, shutting off the light. “I love you. You know that, yeah?”_

_“Of course.” Fernando nods. “Love you too. So so much.”_

_“And I’m sorry I…. I got back so late…”_

_“Is Ok. I understand, Mark.” Fernando repeats, kissing the Australian softly. He doesn’t get it. Why is Mark acting so guilty? It must be the race. He must feel guilty about the race. When Fernando had passed him earlier he was blindly angry with Simon chasing him down the paddock. Maybe now the anger has subsided Mark feels guilty about the crash._

_Fernando doesn’t know, but when Mark is still awake three hours later he knows something isn’t right._

_“I just don’t fucking get it!” Mark spits, throwing his track bag across the room as he walks in. Fernando shuts the door, placing his own bag on the floor as he crosses to Mark. “I’m fucking winning! Why shouldn’t I push to beat him!”_

_“Is Ok to be angry-” Fernando mutters, touching Mark’s shoulder lightly. Mark shrugs him off harshly._

_“I wasn’t actually asking for fucking permission, mate.” He snarls, throwing open the mini bar. Fernando perches on the end of the bed._

_“Do not know why they do not want you to overtake. Is not even for the win.”_

_“That doesn’t fucking matter. They idolize the little shit! It’s like it doesn’t even matter I was here first! That I’m fucking winning!”_

_“Mark, should maybe calm down-”_

_“-Don’t you fucking dare.” Mark warns sternly, glaring at Fernando. “I don’t need another fucking prick telling me what I can and can’t fucking do.” Fernando tries to not let Mark’s insult hurt him but it does anyway. But he’s angry, he doesn’t mean anything. Fernando sits quietly, waiting, as Mark starts on his mission to drain the mini bar of alcohol._

_“Mark-”_

_“-Really think about what you’re going to say, Fernando.” Mark bites, not even turning to look at Fernando. Fernando swallows thickly, getting cautiously to his feet._

_“Want to help…”_

_“Go and punch Sebastian in the face then.” Mark grits, slamming the small bottle heavily on the desk as he reaches for another. Fernando closes the gap between them, hugging his arms around Mark’s waist and rising onto his toes to kiss the back of his neck. Mark deflates in his arms._

_“Love you…” Fernando mutters, nuzzling into Mark’s back. He can feel Mark still drinking but he doesn’t know what else to do. He doesn’t know how to stop him, but maybe if Mark just knows he’s here it will help._

_It catches Fernando out when Mark suddenly spins around, catching his body in his arms and pressing their lips together. Fernando can just taste the mixture of spirits on his tongue and it’s not pleasant. But he just wants Mark to stop hurting. He remembers how broken, how guilty Mark had felt after Turkey only two weeks earlier. Fernando will do whatever it takes to stop Mark from hurting like that again._

_He reaches his arms up, curling them into Mark’s hair but they are pushed down, held tightly at his sides. Fernando doesn’t understand. He tries to break their kiss to ask but Mark just pushes into him, forcing him to stumble backwards. He lands heavily on the bed, before he even gets a chance to understand what is happening Mark is on top of him, pinning him to the bed, trapping him so he is completely under Mark’s control._

_“Ma-?”_

_“-Shut the fuck up.” Mark bites, slamming his lips against Fernando’s again as he shoves his hand down the front of Fernando’s jeans. Fernando moans and gasps at the same time, unable to stop Mark’s tongue intruding his mouth. He doesn’t like this. He’s not entirely sure what’s going on and he really wants Mark to stop and explain. He pushes on the Australian’s shoulder but Mark doesn’t let up, moving closer and crowding Fernando even more._

_“Mark.” Fernando pants, trying not to think about the feelings Mark is inflicting on his body. Mark’s eyes glare into him._

_“I said shut the fuck up.” Mark snaps, biting lightly on Fernando’s neck. It’s nothing too painful but it’s enough to be a punishment, a warning that he’s not allowed to talk. Fernando’s hands fist into the sheets as Mark continues to work his hand up and down his throbbing length. Fernando just wants to understand. Why can’t Mark just explain?_

_“Take it.” Mark orders, straddling Fernando’s shoulders and freeing his own cock from his trousers. Fernando doesn’t move, doesn’t want to and doesn’t understand. He gasps in pain as Mark pulls his head up by his hair, using the moment to push his cock into Fernando’s mouth. “I said take it.”_

_“I’m sorry…” Mark mutters. Fernando dries his eyes before turning to face Mark; still sat at the end of the bed with his back to him, head in his hands. “I shouldn’t… I fucked up.” Fernando still doesn’t say or do anything. He feels cautious now, completely on edge. Glancing at the door makes him feel worse for seeking an escape but he can’t do that again. He should have stopped Mark. “You can go, mate… I’m…” The pain in Mark’s voice has Fernando moving slowly towards him. If there is one thing Fernando can’t take it’s the blatant clearness of Mark’s pain in his voice. But he’s still reserved. He still doesn’t know why Mark just did what he did but it happened. Gingerly Fernando lays his hand on Mark’s shoulder, almost shocked when it’s not shrugged off._

_“What… What was that?” Fernando asks, his voice barely over a whisper. Mark turns over his shoulder to look at him, whatever he sees in Fernando’s face causes him to get up from the bed, a tear breaking free down his cheek. “Mark?”_

_“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have made you… I’m so sorry…”_

_“Do not understand. Help me to understand.”_

_“No.”_

_“Why not?”_

_“Because I never want to do that to you again.” Mark pressed his hands into the desk, still holding his back to Fernando. Fernando can’t take this. He wants to support Mark but he’s never felt further away from the Australian._

_“Have to talk to me-”_

_“-No.” Mark shakes his head, moving passed Fernando towards the bedside table. Fernando frowns when Mark picks up the Spaniard’s phone._

_“What are you doing?”_

_“Calling Andrea.” Mark says; eyes focused on the screen. Fernando gets to his feet, pulling the device from his hands._

_“No. Am staying here with you.” Fernando states. He knows the only reason Mark would call Andrea would be to get the Italian to come and pick him up. “You talk to me. We talk about these things and help each other.”_

_“Fernando-”_

_“-No. Is not you. What just happened… Is a reason and want to know it.”_

_“Mate, just-”_

_“-No!” Fernando protests, taking hold of Mark’s hand. “Will not let you deal with this alone.”_

_“You should leave. You should want to leave. Why don’t you just fucking go!” Mark sneers, pushing away from Fernando. But Fernando grabs his wrist, pulling him into a hug. It’s quite for a while, Mark just holding onto Fernando as Fernando tries to comfort the Australian._

_“I love you, Mark.” Fernando says softly, sitting them on the edge of the bed. “We talk.” Fernando looks down at Mark, brushing the tears from under his eyes. He sniffs, curling closer to Fernando._

_“This Seb stuff… It’s getting to me.” Mark admits, his hold tight in Fernando’s shirt. Fernando just nods encouraging him to keep talking. “I feel…. I feel so out of control of my own life…”_

_“And so you take the control with me…” It makes Fernando’s blood run cold but at least he understands now. Mark sits up, cupping Fernando’s face._

_“But I don’t want to. I should have… I should have stopped. That wasn’t fair. Or right. I should have never-”_

_“-Is Ok, Mark-” Fernando tries but Mark is just shaking his head._

_“-No. No I should have… Have at least asked. I just… I panicked. And with the championship… It feels like everything is slipping away…” Fernando sets a soft kiss to Mark’s forehead._

_“Am not slipping away. Will always stand by you. Forever and ever.” Fernando promises. Mark shakes his head._

_“I don’t… I really don’t deserve you, mate.”_

_“Love makes us do crazy shit.” Fernando smiles softly. Mark looks up at him with tear-filled eyes. “Anger does this too.”_

_“So you’re just forgiving me?”_

_“I love you. We all make mistakes.”_

_“I’ve yet to see you make one…”_

_“I will have my chance.” Fernando laughs lightly._

_“I’ll forgive you. Whatever it is. You’ve given me too many chances already.”_

_“No, we just have to talk. If you talk them maybe can help with the control thing. Maybe we can find a better way to do this.” Mark looks deep into Fernando’s eyes, as if trying to read them._

_“I’m so sorry-”_

_“-Is Ok.”_

_“It’s not.”_

_“Is, Mark. Now I understand.” Fernando assures. He brings Mark back into the bed, again allowing the Australian to put him where he wants him. Fernando can’t help but smile as they fall asleep, him in Mark’s arms with their noses barely an inch apart._

Fernando hated that. He remembers. He remembers being so repulsed by Mark in that moment. Wanting to do anything to get out of the situation. But they fixed it, right? He understood. Even if a small part of him still hates Mark for that they had worked it out.

“Hmphmph…” Fernando has so many questions. He can’t work out which to ask first. His mouth tries to make words but they all tangle together on his tongue.

“You’re alright, Fernando.” Mark assures, holding him closer. “Just… Deep breaths.”

“Is still cold.” Andrea comments, touching Fernando’s cheek. “Maybe should move him inside.”

“Moving him isn’t going to work.” Lewis says, clutching hold of Fernando’s hand tightly. He looks up at Mark. “What the fuck is going on?”

“I don’t know.” Mark replies, brushing the hair out of Fernando’s face.

“Is it another panic attack?”

“I don’t know.” Mark says a little more forcefully.

“Have sent for some more blankets.” Andrea adds, rubbing his hands up and down Fernando’s arm. It’s not working; the Spaniard is starting to feel like ice.

_“Is cold.” Fernando complains as Mark walks him through the British paddock, hands tightly locked together. It’s dark now; almost everyone has gone home. Mark asked him to wait for him so he did. But right now Fernando’s got no idea what is going on. “Mark am cold.”_

_“If you want my jacket you can just say.” Mark beams, stopping them and slipping the dark blue material off his shoulders. Fernando blushes as Mark wraps him in the fleece material – much warmer and more accommodating of the British weather than his Ferrari one._

_“Now will get cold.”_

_“Nah, I’m a tough Aussie bloke.” Mark smirks, leading Fernando on again._

_“Aussie grit.” Fernando smiles. Mark looks over his shoulder at him._

_“…I like that.”_

_“You do?” Fernando can’t help but be happy; he thought up the silly little name for Mark a few weeks after he’d called him his little Spanish Lion. He’d been waiting for the opportunity to bring it up._

_“Yeah… It works.” Mark kisses his forehead, leading Fernando on again. Fernando blushes into Mark’s jacket. “Might use it for my twitter.”_

_“Mmm…” Fernando isn’t fond of Mark’s twitter. Not at all. He’s just waiting for the day the press ask him about his relationship because Mark posted it on his bloody twitter._

_“Here.” Mark smiles, turning to face Fernando. Fernando blinks at him, looking down the track as they stand on the podium. The circuit is dark and he can barely see Mark. Wouldn’t be able to if it weren’t for the soft candlelight reflecting off his face. The haze of light catches his eye to the added decorations on the podium steps. He lets go of Mark’s hand, frowning as he moves towards it. It doesn’t make sense. Running his hands over the petals he notes the soft red colour to them. Are they rose petals? Why is the podium covered in rose petals and candles? Is this what Mark is showing him? He turns around to ask but finds the question dies on his lips._

_Mark is in front of him. On one knee._

_“Fernando,” Fernando can already feel the tears brimming in his eyes as Mark reaches for his pocket. He doesn’t know what to say. The process of functioning words has gone; he can’t remember how to do it. He takes the hand Mark is holding out towards him, letting the Australian pull him forwards. “I love you. So much. And I’ve realised that I’m never happy unless you’re there. I’ve realised how lucky I am to have you and be able to call you mine and I never want to let you go. You… You complete me. You make me a better person. You ground me and you’ve already given me so many chances I can’t believe you’re still around. So before I really fuck this up I want to promise you I’ll always be yours. Wherever we end up, whatever we end up doing as long as we’re together I know nothing will ever be difficult again.” Fernando feels completely off kilter. His head is spinning and he knows he’s crying but he doesn’t care. This is too much. Mark kisses the back of his hand, squeezing it softly. “I… I should have rehearsed this.” Mark laughs lightly, causing a smile to crash onto Fernando’s face. “I want to say the perfect thing to you but I don’t know what that is… I can’t even begin to put into words how you make me feel… And now I’m just rambling and-”_

_“-Get up.” Fernando beams, pulling Mark to his feet. The Spaniard wraps his arms around him tightly, pulling him close. “Ask…” Fernando whispers. Mark clears his throat._

_“Will you… Will you do me the honor of marrying me and let me spend the rest of our lives reminding you how incredible you are?” Fernando doesn’t answer, pulling Mark closer until their lips are pressed together. Cheering is heard from behind them and Fernando turns just in time for the party poppers to explode above them. He falls into Mark’s arms as the small group moves forwards, Jenson taking the lead. Fernando dries his eyes, turning back to face Mark. “I think this is yours then?” Mark asks, opening the box in his hand. Fernando just nods, words still a foreign concept to him, holding out his hand and watching as Mark slides the band of gold over his finger. He cups Mark’s face, bringing him in for another kiss as Jenson claps his back._

_“See? Told you he’d love the candles.” Jenson smirks, leaning on Mark’s shoulder. Felipe pulls Fernando in for a hug, smiling brightly._

_“Yeah, I’m sure the candles were the thing that made him smile like an idiot.” Lewis teases, nudging Fernando’s ribs. Fernando moves back to Mark. Lewis and he are still a bit funny since 2007. He’s hoping maybe the young Brit will get over their little feud but Lewis has always seemed a little off with him._

_“Am so glad you do this today.” Andrea beams at Mark. “Wanted to tell him lots.”_

_“Especially when he was all like ‘but Mark is being funny’ ‘But Mark is being quiet’. For sure, almost tell him just to shut him up.” Felipe grins. Mark rubs Fernando’s arm._

_“All worked out in the end, eh?” Mark smiles down at Fernando. Fernando simply nods, pulling his fiancée close again, never wanting to stop kissing him._

_Fiancée. He never wants to stop calling Mark that either._

_“Woah, hey. What’s wrong?” Fernando can feel Mark’s hand on his cheek; he can feel he’s being pulled away from the headboard. But he can’t feel anything. He’s just staring at his phone, trying to understand what is going on. It doesn’t make sense. Why is he only just finding out? Why was this kept secret from him? “Fernando, baby, what’s happening?” He feels like he’s falling. Nothing is sitting in the right place anymore. Mark’s fingers brush against his and he grabs hold of them, suddenly gasping for breath as the tears splash down his face. Why is he crying? He shouldn’t be crying, should he? He doesn’t know anymore. Nothing fits. “Nano, please talk to me. I’m worried.” But now Fernando is sobbing. Body-shaking, heart-aching sobbing. He throws himself into Mark’s hold, gasping desperately for breath. He can feel Mark trying to calm him down, feel the warm arms around him, and it is some comfort. But not at all on the scale he needs or wants. He’s still not sure why he’s even crying._

_“Fernando, mate… Can you… What’s happening?” Mark asks, his worry and sadness breaking through his voice. Fernando takes a shaky breath but he’s still crying too much._

_“L…Lor-re-ren-n-na…nah…” Fernando sniffles, gripping tightly to Mark’s shoulder._

_“Lorena?” Fernando just nods. “Ok, what about Lorena?” Mark soothes, rubbing Fernando’s back. He takes another deep breath._

_“Mama and Papa… T-They say…” Fernando buries himself back into Mark’s chest._

_“Say what, Nano?” Mark tries gently. Fernando just pushes his phone into Mark’s hand before hiding back into his embrace. “She’s had a baby?” Mark reads, completely shocked. Fernando curls tighter to him. “I didn’t even know she was pregnant.” Fernando shakes his head._

_“Me neither…”_

_“Wait…” Fernando looks up to see Mark frowning at the phone. “Why isn’t Lorena telling you this?”_

_“Keep reading…” Fernando breathes, his eyes not moving from Mark’s face. He’s sees the moment he reads it and curls closer to him._

_“Four potential fathers?”_

_“Is going to raise it alone…”_

_“Tila.” Mark says, locking the phone and pulling Fernando closer. Fernando frowns at him._

_“Huh?”_

_“Tila. Not it. She has a name.”_

_“Mama and Papa are not helping… Is all alone…”_

_“Have you called Lorena?” Mark asks. Fernando hunches away from him. “Fernando…”_

_“Does not know I know. Is a reason she does not tell me.” Fernando points out, sitting up and drying his eyes._

_“She’s your sister.”_

_“Exactly.”_

_“No… Fernando if you want to help her then we help her.” Mark says, squeezing Fernando’s shoulder._

_“What if does not want my help?”_

_“How could she possibly not want your help, hey?” Mark mutters softly, kissing Fernando’s cheek. Fernando just shrugs. “Give her a call and tell her you’re on her side. I’m sure she’ll be happy to hear it.”_

_But it doesn’t work. Mark is left with his arms tightly wrapped round a heart-breakingly sad Fernando as his phone sits discarded at the end of the bed. Lorena didn’t even let him talk. She maybe said four words before hanging up the phone._

_“It’s alright, Fer. We’ll fix this. We’ll go to Spain.”_

“Seriously think we should move him now.” Lewis says, tucking yet another blanket around Fernando.

“No, he’s fine. We’ve just got to keep him warm.” Mark counters.

“Mark, do not be silly.” Andrea tries.

“Has he ever been out this long before?”

“No, is why am worried.” Mark bites his lip. He’s worried too but for a completely different reason.

_They’ve only come out of courtesy. Fernando is just showing his face to not seem bitter. Mark is the one having to put on the brave face. Fernando had said they didn’t have to come but Mark had wanted to. Apparently he needed to do this. Fernando sort of understood it but he was still determined to make as much as the night about Mark and not Sebastian winning the title that should have been the Australian’s. Every since Turkey Fernando had been certain that Red Bull had picked a number one driver; something that was reinstated in Silverstone. But now isn’t the time for dwelling on the 2010 season. He pulls Mark out of the crowd and towards the edge of the room, putting their drinks on a nearby table._

_“I wish you would smile again.” Fernando sighs, wrapping his arms around Mark’s neck. Mark just nods, letting out a deep breath as he holds Fernando close. “Is always next year.”_

_“You think next year will be different?”_

_“Of course.”_

_“No… No you’re wrong. This was my year. I was ahead and they made me step aside. What if next year he’s ahead?”_

_“Then he will step aside.” Mark just laughs, shaking his head._

_“No. That’s it. From now on I’m number two to the fucker.”_

_“Mark…”_

_“I can’t win here now. Not if he stays. And he’s definitely not going anywhere.”_

_“… Then come to Ferrari.” Fernando mutters, not sure if he wants Mark to hear him or not. But the Australian does, pushing Fernando away from him a little. He raises an eyebrow at Fernando._

_“Sorry?”_

_“… Could race with me.”_

_“And be you’re number two?” Mark grits, stepping away from Fernando. Fernando desperately shakes his head._

_“No, Mark-”_

_“-I am not a fucking number two, Fernando.” He bites, storming off towards the crowd. Fernando moves to follow him._

_“Didn’t think I’d see you here.” Fernando frowns at the voice, confused as he looks at the man who owns it. “Doesn’t seem like where you would want to be.”_

_“Am here for Mark.” Fernando says, turning to leave. But now he’s lost Mark to the crowd._

_“Mark… Right…”_

_“Can I help you, Lewis?” Fernando shoots, not caring for the Brit’s tone. Lewis sighs, placing his beer down on the table._

_“Look, man, I think we got off badly.”_

_“Really?” Fernando inputs sarcastically, still looking for Mark. Lewis rolls his eyes._

_“I didn’t mean to… Well, the team… I just-”_

_“-If are apologising the words are ‘am sorry’”_

_“Well I am.” Lewis says with a small smile. It catches Fernando out. “We were both stupid, but I guess I didn’t help things. So I’m sorry.”_

_“Am sorry too.” Fernando returns. He’s almost shocked by how much Lewis’ face brightens._

_“So… Can we be friends?”_

_“Cannot see a reason why not. We both move on from this, no? Were much younger, more hot headed.”_

_“Yeah, and now we’re level so-”_

_“-Level?” Lewis blushes a little at Fernando’s question._

_“Well… We’re… We’re both champions…”_

_“Still have lots to learn.” Fernando smiles, patting Lewis’ back._

_“I’ll, err… Catch you later.” He nods, eyes locked on something behind Fernando. Fernando turns as Lewis picks up his beer, disappearing, to see Mark moving towards him with a couple more drinks._

_“What was that about?”_

_“Was just apologising.” Fernando shrugs, wrapping his arm around Mark’s waist. Mark is still frowning after Lewis._

_“For?”_

_“2007.” Fernando brushes the comment away, standing in front of Mark. “About Ferrari-”_

_“-Don’t worry about it.” Mark is still looking over Fernando’s shoulder._

_“Do not think you are number two, Mark. Just… Would be nice to have you as teammate.”_

_“Do you think Lewis is attractive?” The question really catches Fernando out. Sometimes the Spaniard wants to crawl inside Mark’s head and work out what the hell is going on in there._

_“What?”_

_“Lewis.”_

_“Why are you asking this?”_

_“Well he seemed…” Mark bites his lip._

_“Seemed what?” Fernando questions, feeling like he’s missed something. Mark looks down at him._

_“You don’t see it?”_

_“See what?” Mark shakes his head, stepping away from Fernando._

_“Nothing. Don’t worry.”_

_“Mark, cannot just say that.” Fernando presses, grabbing the Australian’s wrist as he tries to leave. “What is it?”_

_“I’m probably just being paranoid about nothing. I know how special you are. Sometimes I get scared that I might actually loose you.”_

_“Never.” Fernando shakes his head, tapping his left hand when his engagement ring sits comfortably. “Am afraid are stuck with me.”_

_“You don’t ever look at anyone else and think-?”_

_“-No. Never.” Fernando says seriously. Mark wraps his arms around his waist._

_“You serious?”_

_“Promise, Mark. And will never break this promise.”_

_“Woah…”_

_“Why? Do you?”_

_“No. God no.” Mark shoots quickly, defensively. “Why would I need to?”_

_“So why do you worry?” Fernando asks curiously, happy he finally let Mark make their relationship public. Yes, it had been a stressful few months with the questions and the disapproval but they had each other to get them through. Plus they could now be relaxed in public and really there was nothing better than that._

_“I don’t know. Sometimes I think back and wonder why on Earth you’re still with me.”_

_“Because I love you.”_

_“Alright, soppy.” Mark smiles, kissing Fernando’s forehead. Fernando steps closer to him, filling his personal space. His face is still serious even though Mark is trying to lighten the serious tone._

_“Will never leave you, Mark. I promise to be yours and I promise to love you and I promise to marry you and stay with you forever. Will never break any of these promises.”_

_“I know, mate. I get it, you hate breaking promises.”_

_“Never make a promise I cannot keep.” Fernando smiles lightly, stroking his fingers up Mark’s cheek into his hair._

_“So you don’t think he’s more attractive than me?” Mark asks, eyes closed. Fernando rolls his eye before smirking at Mark._

_“No one is more attractive than you. Am with you. Surely this is proof enough.”_

_“Well in that case it makes perfect sense why I’m with you.” Mark grins, his arms snaking around Fernando’s body, pressing him close. He moves them back towards the rest of the party, using the confinement of the crowd a reason to stay close. Finding a corner in the heavy beating room Fernando holds Mark tightly to his body, not letting a millimeter between them. Fernando can feel the eyes of other people on them but he doesn’t care. He wants the world to know what he’s got, wants them to feel envious of him. And his proudness is another way to banish Mark’s insecurities. Fernando knows Mark has always felt he’s not good enough, ever since Annie left him it has always been a stigma. But Fernando can’t think of anyone more deserving of his love. Fernando rests his forehead on Mark’s, sending warm breath across his face._

_“Say it…” Mark mutters in a velvety voice. Fernando knows exactly what he is asking for, but his face heats up and Mark smirks as he feels Fernando blush._

_“No, Mark… Too many people…” Fernando replies breathlessly, Mark’s body slowly rubbing closer to his. He can feel his face is now as red as his shirt. Mark presses his lips gently just below Fernando’s ear, kissing the skin there and making the Spaniard shiver pleasantly._

_“Please… Say it for me…” Mark mutters in a soft, arousing voice. Fernando’s eyes roll shut and his lips part slightly as Mark kisses down his neck._

_“You are the insecure paranoid one, should say this to me.” Fernando says, pulling Mark’s face back to his, all too aware of how many people are around. Mark smirks at him._

_“Only if you say it back…” Mark sucks gently on the skin just below Fernando’s ear again and Fernando grips the back of Mark’s shirt tightly. He nods and Mark relents, pushing their foreheads together again and nuzzling at Fernando’s face. “Tú eres mi todo, Fernando, y yo te amaré siempre.” Mark mutters and Fernando pushes their lips together, hungrily pulling Mark closer and feeling the overwhelming bubble of affection swamping through him. Mark pushes him closer to the wall, his hands tangling into his hair. When Mark pulls away from him an impatient little noise comes from Fernando’s throat. Mark just smirks at him a little, resting their foreheads together once more and looking into Fernando’s eyes with big, lust-filled pools of hazel. Though the hazel is instantly sucked into darkness as Fernando opens his mouth and says the words he’s said so many times._

_“Te amaré hasta el fin del mundo, Mark. Mi corazón pertenece a usted.”_

_Tila is tiny when Fernando first sees her. She was born early. A little too early but she is fine. Perfect height for a racing driver, Mark had joked. Lorena doesn’t say anything. Fernando asks and she explains she’s waiting for the moment he leaves, abandoning her like their parents have._

_Tila opens her eyes when Fernando picks her up._

_Mark’s tie is red for their wedding. An inside joke. But Fernando has the blue socks and his father’s handkerchief. Leanne was obsessed with making sure they did the poem. Mark’s tie is Fernando’s – borrowed. And he also has the new shoes. They covered it; Leanne is happy._

_Tila looks adorable in her little sky blue dress. She’s in Lorena’s arms as they walk down the aisle together._

_Mark cries but Fernando doesn’t. That caught both of them out. Though to be fair Fernando cries most of the morning. By time he actually sees Mark he’s already emotionally drained._

_They honeymoon in Australia. Marry in Spain. It was the fairest compromise. Mark chases him round the pool as Fernando laughs that he is faster._

_Jenson and Nico get together. Apparently it started as a one-night thing but escaladed quickly. Fernando doesn’t like the idea of a one-night stand. He likes what Mark and he have; it’s more developed than Jenson and Nico’s ‘relationship’. Mark doesn’t comment much on the pair._

_The four of them go for coffee after almost every race. Mark enjoys it so Fernando puts on a brave face and listens to their stories about how they almost get caught fucking in different locations. Fernando finds their relationship such a bore. Mark is almost enthused by it._

_He meets up with Lewis for drinks next time Nico and Jenson invite them out. He tells Mark he’s at a Ferrari meeting, considering the car is so bad this year. It’s the first time he ever lies to Mark._

_Fernando prefers meeting with Lewis to Jenson and Nico. He tries to offer the same to Mark but Mark goes quiet and cold, not saying much on the subject. Fernando takes that as a no._

_It’s Silverstone when he next wins. It’s such a relief he can’t help but kiss Mark in the cool down room. But Mark is cold again. Glaring at Sebastian. Fernando barely notices, or at least tries not to. Fernando leaves the circuit with Lewis. Mark is apparently too busy with Red Bull to take him back to their hotel._

_Nico is very quiet the next time Mark and Fernando meet Jenson and him for drinks. Fernando notices quickly but Mark doesn’t notice at all. He wants to ask the German but the opportunity never arises._

Fernando’s head is spinning colours. He’s trying to make coherent sense of anything but it’s not working. From what he can make out Mark and he got married after the Spanish Grand Prix, 2011 (yes, now he can remember the date – how did he ever forget it?) and from then on they drifted apart. Fernando wants to ask questions, get someone to explain but there is nothing. Too many words try and spring off his tongue. He’s hyperventilating.

“Fernando?” Lewis clutches Fernando’s shoulder. Mark wants to bat him away. “Fernando, breathe.”

He can hear the voice. It reminds him. It calms him.

_“Take a couple of deep breaths, yeah? Fernando? Deep breaths.”_

He’s too busy remembering to hear properly though. To busy thinking about that voice.

 

_“Nico is quiet.” Fernando finally says, the words that have been eating him up for weeks finally being aired. Mark raises an eyebrow at him over the dinner table._

_“Ok…?”_

_“Have you not noticed?”_

_“No, mate.” Mark shrugs, chewing on his pasta. Fernando frowns at him._

_“Am not wrong. Lewis thinks it too. And Lewis knows Nico better than me.”_

_“You’ve been spending a lot of time with Lewis, haven’t you?” Mark asks, eyes on his food._

_“Are friends. Just like you spend lots of time with Jenson.”_

_“Hmmm…”_

_“Do you think should talk to Nico?”_

_“Do what you want.” Mark mutters. Fernando puts his fork down, resting his chin on his hand thoughtfully._

_“Has Jenson been Ok?”_

_“You’re there when I’m there, Fernando.” Mark nips. Fernando doesn’t really notice._

_“Maybe is something going on…”_

_“Yeah, maybe.” Fernando flicks his eyes to Mark, frowning at his fed up tone._

_“What is wrong?”_

_“Oh, so you actually do care about us then.” Mark bites. Fernando stares at him blankly._

_“What?”_

_“… Nothing.” Mark shoots, getting to his feet and taking his empty plate with him._

_“What is wrong?” Fernando asks, forgetting all about his food. Mark stands with his back to him by the sink._

_“Nothing, Fernando. I’m great.” Mark glares sarcastically. “Let’s talk more about Nico and his problem.”_

_“Mark, what-”_

_“-I’m pissed, alright!” Mark snaps, turning to face Fernando. Fernando backs up slightly. “Last year was shit because I couldn’t get the fucking car working and now it won’t fucking go! It’s fine for you, fighting for the championship, winning races. But he’s doing it as well and I’m not.”_

_“Are annoyed about the racing?” Fernando confirms. Mark just glares at him._

_“I’m allowed to be.”_

_“I know this, Mark.” Fernando says, stepping towards him. He rubs Mark’s arm. “Will be Ok, will win again.”_

_“Fuck off.” Mark spits, walking away from Fernando. “I don’t want recycled shit, mate.”_

_“Is not recycled-!”_

_“-And you clearly care more about Nico than me. So how about go get Lewis and deal with that rather than worrying about your husband.”_

_“Where is this coming from?”_

_“It’s all you ever talk about, Fernando.” Mark grits, moving into the hall. Fernando follows him._

_“Is the first time I mention it.”_

_“I know you hate meeting up with Jenson as well. What happened to talking about our problems? Since when did we lie and go behind each other’s backs?”_

_“What?” Fernando is loosing the strains of this conversation. Mark pulls on his shoes._

_“Meeting up with Lewis and not telling me? That’s fucking low, mate.”_

_“I-”_

_“-And it makes me think you’re hiding something.”_

_“Have nothing to hide!” Fernando insists, grabbing the sides of Mark’s jacket. “What are you even implying?”_

_“You know what I’m implying.” Mark snarls, pushing Fernando off him. He opens the front door. “I’m going to meet Jenson. Don’t wait up.”_

_“Will come with-”_

_“-No.” Mark states sternly, snapping the door shut behind him. Fernando just gapes at the door, feeling lost and disorientated._

_Happy first wedding anniversary to them…_

_“Hey.” Fernando closes his eyes. He knows that voice. And he knows he should walk away. But it’s been so long… Against his better judgment he turns around._

_“Hi…” He smiles awkwardly._

_“I tried to catch you in Monaco but…” Lewis lets his voice drift off, confused as to why Fernando looks so shifty._

_“Was with Mark.”_

_“Ahh.” Lewis just nods. Fernando gets the impression he doesn’t want to know. “So… How are you?” Lewis smiles softly. Fernando doesn’t know exactly how to respond._

_“Am… Good.” He shrugs, still walking down the paddock. Lewis frowns at him, grabbing his shoulder and pulling him to a stop._

_“What’s wrong?”_

_“Nothing. Is… Nothing.” Fernando smiles tiredly but Lewis can see right through it. He shakes his head._

_“You seem stressed.”_

_“Am fine.”_

_“Is this about Mark?” Fernando swallows dryly. How is it his friend can read him perfectly but his husband doesn’t have a clue? Before he knows it Lewis’ arms are wrapped tightly around him. Fernando melts into the hold. It’s nice. For once not having stiff arms and a short embrace it’s warm and comforting. It makes him feel like it’s Ok to fall apart. He closes his eyes before the tears roll free. “Come on.” Lewis mutters lightly in his ear, rubbing Fernando’s back. “Come back with me and we’ll talk about it.”_

_“But you win…” Fernando sniffs, holding Lewis tighter as the soft digits push through his hair. He can’t remember the last time Mark made him feel this loved. Just distance and rage and accusations. What he wouldn’t give to just have Mark back. He feels like he’s loosing him. After he won last race in Monaco Fernando thought that would be enough to get them back on track. But Mark hadn’t seemed interested in him. Maybe he’s got bored of him. Maybe Fernando has pushed them apart…_

_“Stop it. Whatever you’re thinking about stop it.” Lewis chastens, pulling Fernando closer. Fernando drops his head, wanting to push away from Lewis’ hold but finding he doesn’t have the energy. He doesn’t have the fight to remove the tender embrace around him. “They’re just friends. I’m sure nothing is going on…” Fernando looks up at Lewis confused, not sure what on Earth the Brit is going on about._

_“What?” Lewis looks caught in the act as he looks into Fernando’s eyes, blushing a little. Fernando steps away from him. “What do you mean are sure nothing is happening?”_

_“Fernando, calm down-” Lewis tries but it’s too late._

_“Who are just friends?” Fernando demands. Lewis hangs his head, running a hand through his hair. Fernando knows the name before Lewis even says it._

_“…Jenson.” He wants to sink to the floor. He wants to run and scream and demand someone tell him what the fuck is going on. He wants Mark. Mark will explain. Fernando wants to believe it’s just a simple misunderstanding but hasn’t the thought already passed through his mind? And Lewis is Jenson’s teammate; he’ll have an excellent perspective on how much time Mark spends with his fellow countryman. “Fernando, it’s probably nothing-”_

_“-Is he with him lots?” Fernando barks, glaring at Lewis. Lewis instinctively takes a step away._

_“I don’t know, Fer-”_

_“-You do. So you tell me.” Fernando growls. Lewis shakes his head._

_“Look, man, I just-”_

_“-Is Mark with him lots?” Fernando demands, filling the Brit’s personal space. Lewis throws his hands up defensively._

_“Yes…” He mutters, cowering slightly. Fernando doesn’t wait for him to say anymore, spinning on his heels and getting out of there. He’s sure Mark wouldn’t do that to him, right? He’s certain of it. Mark loves him, he wouldn’t want to hurt him. But that small part of his head that was fixated on the idea that Jenson and Mark were secretly together is taking control. And now he can’t stop thinking about it. Grotesque, vivid images spring in his head and he falls into the building he is walking passed, clutching his throat. He can’t breathe. He can’t take this. He just wants Mark. Why can’t he have Mark. Mark will tell him it’s all a mistake._

_But what if Mark is lying?_

_Fernando feels horrible and he still can’t breathe. He dashes down the side of the building, throwing up. He doesn’t know what’s happening to him but he doesn’t like it one bit._

_Fernando tries to hold Mark close, wrapping his legs around his waist as the Australian comes, trying to pull his lips to his but it’s no use. Mark grunts, falling forwards slightly and taking a few breaths before he pulls out of Fernando, rolling onto his side of the bed. Fernando stares at the ceiling, feeling used and unloved. Is it supposed to be like this? Is marriage supposed to be like this? Make you feel so completely distance from the person you love and could believe once knew more about you that you did? Still panting Fernando turns to look at Mark, seeing his husband’s back as he reaches for something on the bedside table. Fernando takes the chance, slipping his arms around Mark and pressing himself to his back. It’s been so long Fernando has forgotten what Mark’s skin feels like. The warmth radiating off it, the way his muscles flutter under his fingertips. He closes his eyes, stealing as much as he can before it’s all taken away again._

_He feels Mark exasperate._

_“Fernando…” Mark sighs, once hand taking hold of one of Fernando’s wrists. Fernando pushes himself closer to Mark. “Mate, come on.”_

_“Just stay…” Fernando gasps, desperately hanging onto Mark. It doesn’t make a difference; Mark still moves out of his hold._

_“We need to clean up, Nano.” Mark mutters, bending over to press a kiss to Fernando’s lips but moving to his forehead just at the last moment. Fernando feels horrible as Mark moves away from him. Maybe he doesn’t love him anymore. Maybe he loves Jenson now and that’s what’s going on. Maybe Mark doesn’t know how to break things off. Fernando can feel the lump growing in his throat. “Hey, hey, hey.” Mark says, worried, discarding the flannel and moving swiftly to Fernando’s side. He cups Fernando’s face but the Spaniard just rolls away. “Fernando-?”_

_“-Do you still love me?” He feels Mark’s hand brush against his shoulder, making him assume he was going to roll him back over but changed his mind at the last second. Fernando lets out a shaky breath._

_“How can you even ask that?” Mark’s voice sounds genuinely shocked. Fernando doesn’t know what to think anymore._

_“Do you?” He asks, peering over his shoulder at Mark. The Australian cups his face, kissing him desperately and trying to pull him close. Fernando’s head feels fuzzy and he can’t work out exactly what’s happening._

_“Don’t… Don’t ever question that.” Mark breathes, forehead resting against Fernando’s. He presses another chaste kiss to his lips. “I’ll always love you.”_

_“But…” Fernando bites his lip. Does he really want to ask this now?_

_“But what?” Mark encourages softly, fingers parting Fernando’s locks of hair. It’s enough to have Fernando melting into the mattress._

_“You…” Is Fernando really about to do this? Is he seriously about to accuse Mark of cheating on him? It suddenly seems like such a silly thing to accuse him of. How ridiculous that he could even think it possible. “No, nothing.”_

_“Fernando, talk to me.”_

_“Am just being really silly.” Fernando smiles lightly, curling his fingers into Mark’s hair. Mark looks deep into his eyes._

_“You sure?”_

_“Yes.” Fernando nods with a kiss. “Is silly.”_

_“You can talk to me about anything, Fernando. You know that, right?”_

_“Of course.”_

_“I want us to talk about our problems, not let them tear us apart.”_

_“I agree, Mark.” Fernando lets Mark go and retrieve the flannel. “But is not worth worrying about. Am just being stupid.” Mark kisses lightly on Fernando’s stomach once he has cleaned it, cleaning himself quickly so he can climb into bed with Fernando again. He happily lets the Spaniard curl into his arms._

_“Tú eres mi todo, Fernando, y yo te amaré siempre.” Mark whispers, pressing a kiss just below Fernando’s ear. Fernando looks up at him._

_“Te amaré hasta el fin del mundo, Mark. Mi corazón pertenece a usted.” The paranoia will go away eventually. He just has to keep remembering Mark does still love him. And with the Australian’s arms wrapped tightly around him that’s a lot easier than he thinks it will be._

“Is he saying something?”

“I don’t…” Mark leans his ear close to Fernando’s mouth, listening. But all he can hear is “Jesssss”.

_Fernando climbs into their bed, trying not to think about anything but the race tomorrow. Instead of curling into Mark’s arms he deliberately and definitely holds his back to Mark. He can’t help it. Lewis keeps saying how much time Mark is spending with Jenson and Mark is always talking about Jenson and the funny things he’s said. Fernando considers going back to their drinks after the races with Jenson just to put his mind at ease. But he can’t go on like this. He is going to have to ask Mark, finally, if there is anything going on. The whole season has passed now and still Fernando can’t trust Mark. Frowns at him dubiously whenever he gets in late, drunk and stumbling around. Fernando gives a dramatic exasperation, shoulders rising and falling to increase the effect; he knows Mark will know that means he wants to talk. He waits quietly, wondering whether Mark will say anything or if he will have to start this off._

_“Fernando?” Mark tries. Fernando can almost hear the cogs in his head turning as he tries to work out what this is about. No, Mark will not guess this. Not even a tiny little bit. Fernando feels sick. He doesn’t want to do this but he has to know. It’s got to the point where it is driving him crazy. “Fernando, I know it hasn’t been a good day for you…” Mark starts uncertainly. “But he’s at the back. This is good for you. You’ve just got to have an amazing start and beat him and then you bring the points back down. You can still win this Championship.” Mark says soothingly, dragging his lips gently over Fernando’s bare shoulder. Fernando rolls onto his back, looking up and the ceiling and forcing Mark to move back to his original position._

_“Is not the racing.” Fernando sighs. It’s a sad sigh. Fernando sees the realisation cross Mark’s face as he works out he’s not angry but sad. Mark swallows nervously._

_“Then you’ve got to help me because I’ve got no idea what’s going on here.” Mark’s soft voice accompanied with the gently brushing of hair out of Fernando’s face doesn’t help the Spaniard. Fernando closes his eyes, forcing the tears to stay away._

_“Neither do I…” Fernando whispers and Mark moves his hand from his face, a deep frown set in his features._

_“You’re not making any sense.” Mark comments and Fernando sighs, swinging his legs off the bed and sitting on the edge. His back still turned to Mark._

_“Something…. Something is wrong…” Fernando says in a small voice._

_“What’s wrong?” Mark asks, his throat becoming stupidly dry. Fernando internally cringes as he senses Mark’s uncomfortableness, uncertainty. It takes him a moment to pick up the courage to finish his sentence._

_“Something is wrong with us…” Fernando whispers. Mark grabs his shoulder and pulls him back into his tight embrace._

_“No there isn’t.” Mark says, placing a gentle kiss on Fernando’s neck. Fernando forces Mark’s arms off him but Mark just grabs for him again, pulling him tighter._

_“There is, Mark… We are not…” Fernando can’t find the word to finish his sentence. Mark places more kisses on his skin shaking his head._

_“We are. We’re fine. You’re just under a lot of pressure at the moment with the Championship. We’re fine, Fernando. Don’t… Don’t say that we’re not.” Fernando tries, and fails, again to get out of Mark’s grip. It’s becoming too much. Fernando can’t bare the desperate nature of Mark’s voice._

_“Mark-”_

_“-No, Fernando.” Mark pulls Fernando closer to his body. “Don’t.” Fernando turns in Mark’s hold and tries to wrestle out of his grip._

_“Mark!”_

_“Fernando, don’t do this!” Mark pleads, gripping Fernando’s shoulders tightly. Fernando pushes Mark’s arms from around him and gets up off the bed moving across the room. How, how does he bring this up? He already hates himself for making Mark sound so wounded, so desperate. He can’t do this but he has to. For his own well being. Lewis has told him the only way he can get closure on this stupid paranoia is to ask. It seemed easy at the time. Now he’s not so sure._

_“When was the last time you told me?” Fernando says suddenly, anger in his voice as he turns to Mark. He’s not sure why he’s angry but there are so many emotions coursing through him at the moment it’s hard to tell._

_“I… What?” Mark frowns._

_“The last time you told me you love me, Mark. When was the last time?” Fernando exasperates. It has been a while. Fernando knows it. Maybe that’s why he’s so paranoid…_

_“That’s what this is about?” Mark accuses. Fernando shrugs. “You know I love you, Fernando. I fucking married you. People don’t just do that for fun.” He doesn’t understand Mark’s anger. Or maybe he does. It doesn’t help him as he clenches his fists._

_“When was the last time you told me and meant it?” Fernando states more firmly._

_“This is stupid, Fernando, you know-”_

_“-When?” Fernando presses, his anger truly showing now. Mark exasperates, folding his arms and frowning at his husband._

_“Spa. Belgium.” Mark spits._

_“And why was this?” Fernando’s accusatory voice makes Mark’s tone harsh._

_“What the fuck are you trying to get me to say?” Mark shoots and Fernando crosses back over to the bed. He sits heavily on the edge and falls back, pressing his palms over his eyes. He doesn’t want to fight with Mark he just wants to know he’s being stupid. This is too hard…_

_“Feel weird…” Fernando breathes, his voice catching and revealing his attempts to hold back tears. Mark leans over him and straddles his waist, placing both of his hands on either side of Fernando’s face. He uses one hand to moves Fernando’s away from his face. Fernando blinks up at him, tears glistening in his eyes._

_“Tell me.” Mark says softly. Fernando lets out a shaky breath. Can he ask? Is he allowed to ask? Or will that just make Mark think he doesn’t trust him?_

_“Feel like we are broken.” Mark resists the urge to pull Fernando into a bone-breaking hug._

_“We’re not broken, Fer…” Mark says, pushing his hand into Fernando’s hair. “We’re just… Bent a bit. It’s Ok. We can fix this. We can fix anything.”_

_“But you only tell me you love me in Spa because you were scared. You were scared because I could have been hurt. You were worried I had…”_

_“Fernando, I don’t understand what you’re saying.” Fernando can’t do it. There is already too much pain in Mark’s eyes._

_“We are drifting apart, no? Do you not feel this too?” He says, the lump in his throat feeling thick. This won’t help him. He needs to know if anything is going on with Jenson._

_“You’re under a lot of pressure. Things will go back to normal one the Championship is over. You feel like we’re drifting apart because you’re priorities are being pulled. I don’t mind taking the back seat for a while. It’s fine. I understand you’ve got to do this. And I want to see you win. So I don’t mind fading into the background a bit until the season is over. Then we will have winter break to celebrate and we can get back on track. I understand, Fer, I really do.” Mark touches his lips to Fernando’s and Fernando wraps his arms around Mark’s neck, pulling him closer and deepening their kiss. Mark breaks from him momentarily to move them back into the bed, heads against the pillow and wrapped in each other’s arms before kissing Fernando again. Fernando pulls away, sinking into Mark’s chest before feigning sleep. Mark kisses the top of his head fondly before closing his eyes and relaxing._

_Fernando lays on Mark with his eyes wide open, persuading himself that Mark is right and that it is just the pressure of the Championship that is forcing him to think this isn’t working anymore. Maybe it is the Championship. Maybe they feel like they’re falling apart because everything seems to be slipping from him. He had such a lead before summer and now look where they are. Second again. Maybe this doesn’t really have anything to do with Jenson. Maybe Fernando’s focus just isn’t right. He’s trying to fit too much into his life and he’s afraid that if he continues to live as he is something very important to him will slip through his fingers. And that’s logical to Fernando. It makes sense to him that he’s trying to make too much work at once. So he takes Mark’s offer at putting their relationship to the side for a little while whilst he focuses on getting his third title. And closing his eyes he imagines all the ways he can make it up to Mark over winter break._

_Maybe this will help. Maybe only focusing on his racing will let him win._

 

“We should call a doctor.”

“He’s alright…”

“He’s not alright, Mark! He’s like ice.”

“Ok. Am taking him inside.”

“Andrea-!”

“-No, Mark. Is cold. We need to keep him warm.”

Fernando is being carried. At least he thinks he is, but to be fair that could just be the memory.

_Something isn’t right. Fernando knows that because the room is spinning really badly and he’s not been drinking. He’s been avoiding the drink because he doesn’t want to go and say something stupid to Sebastian. This is Sebastian’s party at the end of the day. Fernando really doesn’t want to be here but he’s putting on a brave face, looking like he’s not about to break down. And Mark is here to help._

_On second thoughts where the hell is Mark?_

_Fernando stumbles into something or someone as he tries to find the Australian. He’s been doing that quite a lot. Things seem further away or closer than they actually are and it keeps catching him out. He’s stumbling on nothing and walking straight into things. Also there seems to be a sparkly haze filling the room. He liked that at first but now it’s annoying; he doesn’t want to get glitter in his eyes because that will hurt._

_“Fernando?” Fernando swallows, not even beginning to understand whose voice that is. Maybe it’s Mark. Maybe Mark has come back to find him. Though Mark sounds like a robot. Why does Mark sound like a robot? Fernando doesn’t get it or like it. He wants Mark to talk normally to him._

_“Ouch.” Fernando complains when he finds himself sat back on the floor. He’s sure that white shirt wasn’t that close to him. He’s lifted back to his feet, trying to focus on the person’s face but he can’t see anything clearly. It’s all disorientated._

_“Shit… What the fuck happened?” Fernando just laughs manically at the silly robot voice. It’s rather amusing actually. Maybe the robot is going to take him away from the party. No, no he won’t go without Mark. When they find Mark he will go with the robot. “Fernando?” Fernando starts making robot noises back at the robot, trying to communicate. He falls again when he tries to grab the white shirt and misses. “Alright, up we get. Come on…”_

_“MARK!” Fernando screams, only stifled when the robot clamps a hand over his mouth._

_“Be quiet. I’m taking you to Mark.”_

_“MarkMarkMarkMarkMarkMark-”_

_“-Yeah, Mark.” The robot says, walking him through all the dancing people. Are they people or animals? Fernando finds he can’t tell the difference. Though the robot isn’t very good at getting them through the crowd. Fernando has to keep ducking out of the way so as to not bump into things. He’s about to say something when someone grabs his shoulder._

_“There you are.”_

_“Something’s wrong.” The robot says. Fernando rubs his eyes, looking at the hand on his shoulder._

_“What do you mean wrong?”_

_“What I say, Mark. Something is wrong with him.” Fernando doesn’t like that the hand hasn’t gone. Why is the hand still on his shoulder?_

_“What happened?”_

_“I don’t know.”_

_“Really fucking helpful, Jense.” Fernando feels like he’s spinning and then there are two hands on his shoulders. He very much doesn’t like that. “Fernando?”_

_“Get them off!” Fernando begs, pushing at the hands on his shoulders. But they’re not going anywhere. They’re clamped on to him. He feels sick. He feels faint. And when he realises there are no arms attached to the hands he honestly thinks he’s going to throw up._

_“Shh, calm down.” That’s Mark, yeah? Fernando’s sure that is Mark._

_“Mark help.”_

_“Ok, buddy. Just tell me what’s going-” Fernando is hyperventilating. They’re his hands. His hands are on his shoulders with no arms. He’s hands aren’t connected to his arms. He can’t feel his hands._

_“Mark!”_

_“Get him out of here.” The robot says. Fernando wants to grab onto Mark but he can’t; he doesn’t have any hands._

_“Shh, it’s alright, Fernando. It’s Ok. You’re Ok.” It’s colder now and brighter. Maybe the robot teleported him to some snow. He’s sat down on something but he’s too scared to look down and find out what it is because what if he’s sitting on the edge of a cliff? What if the robot is trying to kill him?_

_“Mark?”_

_“I’m here, mate. I’m right here.”_

_“Cannot…”_

_“It’s Ok; I’ve got your hand. You’re safe. It’s alright.” Mark’s voice is soothing but he knows he’s lying. Mark hasn’t got his hand because his hands are still on his shoulders. Looking down he sees they’re not. He’s lost his hands. Fernando starts panicking again. “Fernando, shh. Calm down.” Mark’s voice is panicked too. Maybe Mark has realised he’s lost his hands. Mark won’t love him if he’s lost his hands._

_There is a bang that makes Fernando jump. And then he’s falling. He’s falling off the cliff. The robot was trying to kill him and now he’s falling. He’s screaming for Mark but no one is helping him. No one is there. He just wants Mark. He’s scared and he’s falling and it’s not fun anymore._

_“Tell him what the fuck you did.” The robot snarls. Fernando doesn’t understand. He clutches his head but he has no hands. He punches himself with his stumps instead. He’s crying he knows he’s crying now. He just wants his hands back and he wants Mark._

_“What the hell?”_

_“You fucking did that.” The robot snaps. Warm arms wrap around Fernando’s body and he snivels into the shiny armor of his savior. A knight. It must be a knight with that armor. Come to rescue him._

_“Knight…” Fernando breathes, relaxing into the arms. He’s sat back down._

_“No, not night now, Fernando. Stay awake.” Mark says. Mark is his knight. Fernando smiles. Mark is always his knight. His knight in shining armor. “What did you do, Seb?”_

_“It was a joke…” Fernando holds tightly to the knight. Not letting him leave. He doesn’t want the robot and the lizard pushing him off the cliff again._

_“A joke!?” The robot glares. “Just fucking look at him.”_

_“What did you do?” Mark presses harshly. Fernando thinks maybe the knight should get out his sword. Then he can defeat the lizard and the robot then they can’t push him off the cliff._

_“It was… There was something in his drink…”_

_“You did WHAT?” Fernando can’t tell who is talking anymore. The robot and the knight are becoming one. No, no he doesn’t want that. He reaches for the knight but he’s too far away._

_“Knight…”_

_“You fucking spiked his drink!?”_

_“It wasn’t much… Just a little-”_

_“-FUCKING LOOK AT HIM!” Fernando falls of his chair again, reaching for the knight. The snow isn’t as soft as it should be but there is a red river that is interesting. “Fuck…” He’s sat back down as the red river flows from his face. That scares him. Loads. There is so much red now and it’s coming from him. What if he’s dying? What if this is how he will die? Then the robot and the lizard will win and then they might kill Mark. He shakes his head as something is dabbed under his nose._

_“No.” he tries, his voice sounding strange as his nose is blocked by something. The knight grabs his arm as he tries to push whatever it is away._

_“It’s just a nosebleed, Fer. Calm down.”_

_“You fucking drugged him?” The robot shouts. Though he sounds like he’s at the other end of a tunnel. Fernando doesn’t understand anything anymore. He just feels sick again._

_“I didn’t think it would be this bad!”_

_“You still did it! Where did you even get something like that from?”_

_“It doesn’t matter.” Mark says. Fernando blinks up at him. “We need to get him to a hospital now.”_

_“Mark-”_

_“-Fuck off, Seb. You’ve done enough damage here.”_

_“Are you going to say it was me?”_

_“I should.” Fernando clutches tightly to Mark as he gets to his feet but his shoes are glued to the floor. He can’t move. “Come on, Fernando. Going to make it all better now, yes?”_

_“Stuck!” Fernando shrieks, desperately trying to move his feet. But they won’t budge. They’re completely stuck, buried in the snow._

_“Fucking hell, Seb.” The robot sighs as the knight lifts Fernando to his feet. His legs feel cold all of a sudden and he curls closer to Mark. “Mark…”_

_“I know.” Mark grits. Fernando holds him tighter, shivering because of the cold snow that is everywhere. “Grab a blanket quickly.”_

_“What-” Everything stops as another voice flows into Fernando’s head. He can’t place this one. Maybe it’s the wind._

_“Lewis-”_

_“-What the fuck have you done!” Suddenly a thousand hands are all over Fernando’s body and he hates it. He screams, thrashing out but they don’t go away. He nearly slips from Mark’s hold but Mark just holds him closer._

_“He’s been drugged. We… We think someone spiked his drink.” The lizard says. Fernando tries to hide into Mark. He doesn’t like the lizard one little bit._

_“Who spiked his drink?” The wind’s words echo around Fernando’s head, making him feel like he’s in a very spacious room. Mark holds him tighter as he tries to stretch out, reach for the blue cloud twinkling in the distance._

_“We don’t know.” Mark bites defensively, moving Fernando further away from the cloud. Suddenly the snow it all gone but it’s even colder. Fernando’s teeth start to chatter._

_“Blanket.” The robot says as something warm is draped over him. Fernando snuggles closer to the cloud, pulling it tightly around him. “I’ve got my car just here.”_

_“Ok. I’ll take him. You go and deal with Seb and Lewis.”_

_“No. No you stay in the back with Fernando. I’ll drive.”_

_“Knight knight….” Fernando mutters._

_“No, Fernando. Stay awake.” Mark shakes him, but his eyes have already dropped closed, the darkness is a lot warmer than the snow…_

_Lorena is pregnant again. She doesn’t know the father. If she does she doesn’t want to tell Fernando and Mark. Nevertheless Fernando promises Mark and he will help her and support her through this, just like they did with Tila. They also offer to babysit Tila when Lorena goes away to do her pre-natal stuff or just needs a break from it all. She can’t be happier of their support, considering their parents still want nothing to do with her._

“Put him there.”

“Fernando?” Warm fingers pad across his cheek. “He’s sweating.” And his throat feels scratchy.

“But he’s still freezing.”

“Am getting a doctor.”

“No…” Fernando mutters. He doesn’t need a doctor. He needs to remember.

 

_“So?” Mark spits. Fernando feels hot rage burning through him as he throws the contents of his bag across their hotel room._

_“So what?” Fernando snarls. Mark folds his arms, exasperating angrily._

_“Look, mate, we’ve both had a shit race so why don’t you try and put your fucking mood to the side for a moment-?”_

_“-Both have a shit race?” Fernando scoffs, turning to face Mark. “Am sorry but I think you still end on the podium with points!”_

_“I should have fucking won! If that dickhead hadn’t-”_

_“-Still finished!” Fernando barks, spinning around and spilling Mark’s bag across the bed. Mark gapes angrily at him._

_“I’m sorry, mate, I thought we supported each other! I didn’t realise this had become a contest!”_

_“Am not the one who disappears after the race for seven hours!” Fernando hisses. Mark swallows uncomfortably._

_“I didn’t want to take out my shitty mood on you!” Mark returns, equally as heated. Fernando still remembers that time after the 2010 Canadian Grand Prix. It sends a shiver down his spin. “Besides, you’ve probably just been bitching with Lewis!”_

_“Have been waiting here for you!” Fernando hollers, throwing Mark’s trainer at him. The shoe bounces off the Australian’s braced arms and clatters to the floor._

_“I don’t know why you’re so pissed, mate-”_

_“-Why am I so pissed? I tell you, Mark. First, I retire from the race on the second fucking lap!” Fernando continues to rummage through Mark’s bag as he yells. “Second, I have to watch him win again from the sidelines!” The second trainer bounces in Mark’s direction. “Third, I wait to consolidate the man I love after a shit race and he doesn’t even have the decency to text me and tell me where he is! Have been waiting for-!”_

_“-Seven hours, yeah you already said that, Fernando.” Mark grits. He folds his arms again, waiting for Fernando’s next assault but nothing comes. The frown creeps onto his face as he watches Fernando search fruitlessly through his bag. “What are you doing?”_

_“Where have you hidden them?” Fernando accuses, glaring up at Mark. It takes Mark four seconds for the penny to drop._

_“You’re not having them.” Mark states. Anger flashes in Fernando’s eyes._

_“Cannot control me, Mark! Where are they?”_

_“Not here.”_

_“Liar.” Fernando spits, ripping open Mark’s side drawer. Mark leaps across the bed and the pile of stuff to snatch the box of cigarettes from the drawer before Fernando can get them. “MARK!”_

_“You don’t need these. Get yourself a fucking drink if you need something.”_

_“Give them to me.” Fernando demands, holding out his hand. Mark shakes his head._

_“No.”_

_“Mark!”_

_“Look, just because Lewis smokes them doesn’t mean you have to!” Mark pleads, reiterating an argument they have had too many times._

_“Is my choice. Is my body.”_

_“I’m not going to sit here and watch you kill yourself! I’m your husband! I care about you!”_

_“Funny way of showing it.” Fernando snaps, snatching the box from Mark’s slack grip and rushing out to the balcony. Mark stands shell-shocked for a moment before moving outside after Fernando. The first cloud of smoke catches him out and causes him to cough. Fernando rolls his eyes._

_“What’s that supposed to mean?” Mark glares. Fernando takes another lazy drag from his cigarette._

_“Means you are not good at showing me you care, so why would I think you do.”_

_“You honestly think that, mate?” Mark frowns. Fernando just shrugs._

_“Seem more interested in chasing down Sebastian to give him a piece of your mind than worrying if I am Ok. Do you even ask on the radio if am fine?”_

_“For fuck sake, Fernando.” Mark exasperates. He drops his head forwards but as soon as he has his vision snaps back to Fernando._

_“Lewis asks.” Fernando points out._

_“How did you know I went to find Seb?”_

_“Christian tells me.” Fernando glares, turning his body to Mark. “After sitting in my cool down room for two hours waiting I think I should go and find out what the hold up is. He tells me you stormed out after Sebastian after your debrief and followed him to the hotel. When I get back here I find Nico waiting outside telling me you have gone to drink with Jenson.” Mark shifts his eyes nervously. “So, where did you go?”_

_“Huh?”_

_“Do not play me fucking stupid, Mark. Which one did you go to?” There is silence for a moment, Fernando patiently waiting for Mark’s answer._

_“Jenson. Jenson caught up with me before I did something stupid.” Mark answers. Fernando watches Mark’s face closely for a moment, reading his eyes his expression, waiting for the sign that he is, again, lying to him. But nothing comes today. Fernando just shrugs, looking back out across the Malaysian evening. That sick paranoia crawling up his back again. No, he had gotten over that, hadn’t he? “And what about you?”_

_“What about me?”_

_“What time did Lewis leave? What bollocks has he told you tonight?”_

_“Fuck off, Mark, I do not assume such things of your friends.” Fernando snarls, dropping his burnt down cigarette and squashing out the dying ambers with the toe of his shoe. Mark grabs his elbow as he makes his way back inside._

_“You do. You always do.” Mark corrects. Fernando rips from his hold. “Mate, whatever lies Lewis has filled you with nothing is or has even been going on between Jenson and me!” Mark pleads but Fernando just shakes his head, turning away._

_“Is funny how you are always there, making sure he is fine though.” Fernando bites. Mark rolls his eyes. “Thought he has Nico for this but guess am wrong…”_

_“I don’t know what to say that I haven’t before, Fernando.”_

_“Then do not say anything.” Fernando clips._

_“There is nothing going on. Why can’t you trust me?” Mark asks, closing the door out to the balcony. Fernando doesn’t answer. Instead he slides under the cool sheets, wrapping himself up tightly in them and curling onto his side of the bed. “Lewis likes you, mate, of course he’s going to try and split us up.”_

_“Why can you not just trust my friends?”_

_“Why can’t you trust mine?” Mark sends back coolly. Fernando just sighs._

_“Lewis was his teammate last year…”_

_“Lewis likes you, Fernando. He’s got it out for me.”_

_“Knows Jenson…”_

_“So you believe him over me?” Mark asks, sitting up to look down at Fernando. Fernando just lets his eyes roll shut. “Great. Thanks for that.”_

_“Trust him…”_

_“And not me? Good to see where our relationship is, Fernando. You know, if I believed you were possible of it I would say you were sleeping with him. But I would never accuse you of that because I trust you explicitly. I thought I got the same in return but I guess not.” Fernando remains solidly on his side of the bed, the dip in the duvet creating a void between the two of them becoming a common guest in their bed. Mark is still fuming; Fernando can feel the heat radiating off his skin, hear it in the exasperation of air from his lips. Maybe he is being unfair but he knows something is different between Mark and him. He knows it._

_Closing his eyes Fernando hopes to find the end to this shit day. But of course, his accusations of Mark – as usual – haunt his sleep. He knows the best cure is Mark’s warm embrace but that feels like its off limits. And it’s been so long he’s not sure the warmth would do any good._

 

_“Lewis!” Fernando stumbles on his feet as the Brit drags him down the paddock away from Andrea. He tries to stop him but there is no use. Lewis is on a mission. He brushes himself down when Lewis finally stops, pushing him inside the Mercedes motorhome. Fernando opens his mouth to speak but Lewis keeps pushing him on._

_“Sorry. But I need to talk to you.”_

_“Can just ask. Do not need to drag me away.” Fernando fires. He’s angry enough with his pathetic race result. Eighth! And with the DRS breaking as well. He was a sitting duck. The cherry on the cake was Sebastian winning. Fernando just wants to go home. How can he go from winning in China to completely failing in Bahrain? It’s not fair._

_“Sorry. But it’s important.” Lewis moves Fernando into his cool down room, scratching the back of his neck nervously. Fernando folds his arms tightly, having no patience for this. “Have you…”_

_“Have I what, Lewis? Am very busy.” Fernando bites. Lewis sends him a sympathetic look._

_“Did you speak to Mark? In Malaysia?”_

_“Mark had more important things to be dealing with in Malaysia.”_

_“… Jenson?” Lewis asks quietly. Fernando only sees red._

_“Do not have to stand here and take this.” He snarls, moving towards the door. Lewis stands in his way. “Move.”_

_“Listen to me, Fernando. I know what he’s up to.”_

_“Do not give a shit! How about staying out of my business, Lewis!”_

_“You don’t understand, OK?” Lewis says, holding his hands up defensively._

_“How about you make it clear then.” Fernando growls. Lewis swallows, his eyes darting around the room as if searching for an escape. They rest back on the raging Fernando and he shrinks into himself._

_“…I’ve seen them together.” Lewis murmurs. Fernando exhales hotly._

_“Everyone has. Are friends. Friends spend time together.”_

_“No…” Lewis shakes his head and Fernando feels the bottom drop out of his stomach. Lewis is looking at him like a wounded animal. “Together, Fernando…. As in-”_

_“-Are lying.” Fernando shoots, suddenly feeling unstable on his feet. Lewis shakes his head slowly._

_“Why would I lie to you, huh? I care about you… Too much sometimes.” Lewis shrugs lightly._

_“No… No Mark does not hurt me like this.”_

_“Look, man, I wanted you to know. I just… Don’t want to see you hurt. You deserve so much more than that prick and I won’t see him hurt you, Ok? You deserve to know what’s going on.”_

_Fernando feels like he’s walking through a haze after he leaves Lewis’ room. He finds himself wondering around the paddock, as if lost, not knowing where he wants to go not knowing who he wants to talk to. Does he want to talk to Mark? Or maybe confront Jenson? Or maybe go back to Lewis; demand he tell him what the fuck he is talking about? This always just seemed like a thing. A thing Fernando thought stupidly about sometimes. He’s personal little demon. But now there is the potential that demon is out in the real world. Fernando shakes his head._

_No, Mark would not do that to him._

_But what reasons would Lewis have to lie?_

_“Fernando-” Andrea’s voice stops suddenly and Fernando assumes correctly that Andrea has found him. It’s obviously written all over his face that his world is falling apart. A hand wraps around his bicep and he’s pulled in some direction, blinding letting Andrea lead him wherever they’re going. The red of the Ferrari walls are a comfort. Only his team can reach him in here. He’s safe from the outside world for now._

_Andrea sits him down in his room, moving around him and doing things Fernando doesn’t know or care about. He looks down at his hands, spinning his wedding ring around his finger. Could Mark have really have done that to him? Is Mark capable of this? Fernando finds, scarily, that he doesn’t know the answer to that question._

_“Ok. What does Lewis say?” Andrea asks, sitting on the coffee table in front of Fernando and handing him a glass of water. Fernando doesn’t take it, just looking at his hand spinning his ring._

_“Do you think Mark and I are drifting apart?”_

_“No.” Andrea says confidently. It has Fernando looking up at him. “You both love each other so much. Could not imagine you apart.” Fernando runs his hands through his hair, sinking back into the sofa. “What does Lewis say?”_

_“I feel like am loosing him. Feel like he lets me down…”_

_“Of course. He left you when you most needed him.” Andrea says, setting the glass down and moving to sit beside Fernando. He pulls the Spaniard into his embrace. “But this is one silly fight, Fernando. Do not let it tear you apart.” Andrea is talking about Malaysia. Fernando knows he is. Because Andrea doesn’t know anything about this; anything about his Jenson paranoia. “Can you tell me what Lewis says to get you so worked up?”_

_“I need some air.” Fernando states, pushing to his feet. He moves towards the window behind his desk, dropping it open and settling himself in front of it, pulling the cigarette packet from his pocket. Andrea waits until he’s lit the cigarette before moving towards him._

_“Fernando, you need to talk to someone.” Andrea sighs, resting his hand on Fernando’s shoulder. “If not me then at least promise you will talk to Mark.”_

_“Ok.” Fernando nods, no emotion behind his voice._

_“Can get him-?”_

_“-No.” Fernando says suddenly. “Thank you.”_

_“Ok…” Fernando can tell Andrea doesn’t want to leave him but right now Fernando wants to be alone. He waits for Andrea to shut the door behind him before letting the emotion roll over him, the tears springing from his eyes. What if Mark really has cheated on him? What does that even mean for them?_

“What did he say?”

“Do not get me a doctor.” Fernando chokes, one hand clutching on the side of his head as his face screws in pain. He doesn’t need a doctor he needs to remember. And right now that’s all he’s thinking about.

Everything is slowly beginning to make sense.

_“So you haven’t spoken to him?” Lewis asks, handing Fernando a drink. Fernando takes it in his hands, dragging his finger around the rim as he sits at the end of Lewis’ bed._

_“No…”_

_“Ferri…” Lewis sighs, sitting next to Fernando. Fernando scrunches his nose at the silly little name Lewis has decided to call him by. He really doesn’t like it but there is something affectionate about it. It makes him feel loved again, which is more than can be said with Mark and him at the moment. “You have to ask.”_

_“Do not.” Fernando shakes his head, draining the glass in his hand. Lewis raises an eyebrow as he places the glass in his hands. “Can I have another?”_

_“Ferri, don’t be stupid.” Lewis tuts, setting both glasses down. Fernando glares at him for a second before falling back on the mattress. “I hate this.”_

_“Not as much as me…”_

_“Fernando, you have to talk to him.” Lewis begs. “Especially if something is happening.”_

_“What do you see?”_

_“Hey?” Fernando props himself up on his elbows, looking towards Lewis._

_“When you say you see them together. What do you see?” Lewis looks towards the glasses on the sides, fidgeting with his hands awkwardly. “Lewis, please. Just tell me this.”_

_“I don’t want to.”_

_“Need you to.”_

_“I won’t hurt you like he has, Fernando.” Lewis says sternly. “I won’t say.”_

_“FOR FUCK SAKE!” Fernando rages, getting to his feet. Lewis cowers slightly at his sudden loudness. “You cannot tell me what I can and cannot know! I want to know what you saw! Was so important you tell me!”_

_“Alright, Fernando. Calm down.” Lewis says, getting to his feet also. He drags Fernando back to the bed. “I’ll… I’ll tell you what I saw.”_

_“Thank you.” Fernando bites. Lewis chews on his lip._

_“I… It was in China.” Fernando frowns at the Brit, needing him to get to the point. “In the paddock… I was heading back to Mercedes… And… Well I don’t exactly remember perfectly… But they were… Together.”_

_“Doing what?” Fernando exasperates. Lewis closes his eyes, gritting his teeth._

_“… Kissing.” Fernando’s world tumbled. “I was shocked, you know? I thought I must have it wrong. But no. Whilst you were standing on the podium they were just below you… Kissing and writhing against each other-”_

_“-Stop.” Fernando breathes, clutching at his chest. This can’t be real. This can’t be true. He’s hurting so much the pain is excruciating. No. Not his Mark. Mark wouldn’t do that to him. Lewis touches his shoulder._

_“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said-”_

_“-Can’t breathe…” Fernando panics, tipping his head back and rubbing his hands down his neck. He feels dizzy and sick and he’s gasping for air. He can’t do this._

_“Fernando?” He can’t breathe or think and he just wants to cry his heart out. But he can’t breathe._

_It’s a lot later when Fernando wakes up, confused and wrapped snugly in a duvet. He rubs his head, blinking around the room he knows is not his._

_“You’re awake then?” Lewis’ soft voice says. Fernando turns to look at him._

_“What happens?”_

_“I don’t know.” Lewis replies honestly, placing the cool flannel back on Fernando’s forehead. “You were sick and kept saying you couldn’t breathe. I called an ambulance but they said your symptoms were of a panic attack? So they talked me through what to do. Do you suffer panic attacks?” Lewis adds curiously._

_“No.” Fernando mutters, sitting up. That must have been what that was all those years ago._

_“Oh… Ok.”_

_“What time is it?”_

_“Quarter to four.” Lewis says. “Just lay back down and rest, Fer-”_

_“-Fuck.” Fernando pushes out of the bed, feeling the room sway as he does. Lewis grabs his shoulder._

_“What? Calm down, Ferri. You’re Ok.”_

_“Need to go back to Mark.”_

_“Mark?”_

_“Will worry.”_

_“He knows you’re with me. Stay here - you need to rest. He’ll understand” Fernando frowns down at the shirt he’s wearing; it’s not his._

_“Where is my shirt?” Fernando asks._

_“You were sick, Fernando. I didn’t want to leave you wearing sick-covered clothes.” Fernando looks back down at himself. Is it obvious it’s Lewis? It doesn’t matter. He just needs to get back to his room and then he can change. Mark never needs to know. “Come back to bed. Worry about Mark tomorrow.”_

_“No.” Fernando shakes his head, pulling on his shoes. “Does not know where I am.” Fernando hadn’t exactly told him where he was. How could he when the Australian had disappeared from the paddock in the time it took Fernando to celebrate his podium? And he is sure Mark wouldn’t be happy about him being at Lewis’ until four in the morning anyway._

_“Why not?”_

_“Does not matter.” Fernando says, pulling on his clothes. Lewis grabs his arm._

_“I’m your friend.”_

_“Yes, well, he does not see this.”_

_“He can fucking deal with it.” Lewis barks. Fernando shakes his head; he can’t deal with this now._

_“Not now, Lewis… Have to go back.”_

_“Fernando?”_

_“Thank you for helping.” Fernando says, walking out the door. Hopefully Mark will be asleep. In that case he can get back into the room and Mark will never need to know. He knows Mark will only accuse him of cheating if he finds out about this and it’s a fight he could do without. He doesn’t want to fight Mark. He just wants to climb into bed. Not think about where Mark could have possibly been between the podium and now._

_Fernando winces as the door clicks shut behind him. It sounds ten times louder in the echoing silence. He would shh it for being so loud but doing so would just accomplish making more noise. And right now that’s the last thing he wants to do. Taking a deep breath he turns around slowly, toeing of his shoes and dropping his bag from his shoulder. He slowly places the bag on the floor, desperate not to make any more sound. It’s not that he’s got anything to hide he just knows what Mark will assume._

_It appears his luck ran out after he stepped off the top step of the podium._

_“Trying to sneak in?” Mark scoffs, causing Fernando to jump. Fernando doesn’t have to look far to find Mark standing in the middle of the room, arms folded tightly. But Fernando holds his glare; he knows backing down will just enforce Mark’s stupid idea further._

_“Am not sneaking. Did not want to wake you. Did not realise you would still be awake-”_

_“-At four in the morning.” Mark shoots. “Neither did I; I expected you back here hours ago.”_

_“Lost track of time.” Fernando shrugs._

_“And where have you been?”_

_“Do not ask stupid questions, Mark.” Fernando pulls the shirt over his head as he walks towards the bathroom. He is bored of this now; he can’t remember the last time Mark and he just had a civil conversation. They can’t even talk about racing without it spiralling into an argument anymore. Fernando is scared of what might happen; last year Mark said he was happy to put them on hold for a while but Fernando can’t work out how to take them off the ice. It’s been so long since he’s physically felt close to the Australian and everyday just feels like they’re taking another step away from each other._

_“Where are you going now? To wash away the evidence?” Mark’s voice is vicious but it’s the tone Fernando has come to expect._

_He just can’t work out what changed between them. Something has happened, he knows it, he just can’t lay his finger on it. Lewis’ words from earlier ring in his head but he shakes them away. He still doesn’t want that to be true._

_“No, Mark. Am tired. Just want to get ready for bed.”_

_“Too tired from being fucked all night? Is he better than me?”_

_“Am not fucking Lewis, Mark.” Fernando returns for what must be the hundredth time now. Mark follows him into the bathroom._

_“No, he’s fucking you.”_

_“Please, stop this.” Fernando drops his head, leaning against the sink. “Cannot keep having the same fight. Would not do this to you. Could not do this to you.” Fernando turns to face Mark but he’s still wearing that expression of stone. The one he’s always wearing nowadays. “I love you, Mark.”_

_“Funny way of showing it.” Mark snaps before heading back to the bedroom. Fernando throws his toothbrush at the sink, following Mark out. So they are having this fight again._

_“Have you been drinking?” Fernando spits._

_“What?” Mark angrily laughs. “You’re going to blame this on me drinking?”_

_“Am not doing anything!” Fernando insists. Mark keeps his back to him._

_“Whatever, Fernando. You’re spending more and more time in his fucking pocket and now you’ve spent the night with him.”_

_“Just fell asleep! Was purely innocent!”_

_“And you didn’t think I might want to see you after you won today?”_

_“And was this before or after you get drunk with Jenson?”_

_“I’m not drunk.” Fernando shoves Mark’s shoulder lightly, causing the Australian to stumble backwards and fall to the floor._

_“Are. Can smell it.” Fernando returns. “Cannot have got back a lot before me! Is really why you are awake now.”_

_“I was drinking in here waiting for you.” Mark growls, getting back to his feet. Fernando crosses the room, throwing open the mini bar and tipping the empty bin up on itself. It crashes noisily on the floor._

_“So what time do you get back, Mark? Enjoy bitching about me to Jenson?”_

_“I’m not the one fucking cheating, mate!”_

_“Neither am I! Why will you not believe that?”_

_“Because he’s always fucking there, isn’t he.” Mark barks. “He’s always with you or congratulating your win or got his arms around you. He’s a fucking stalker, Fernando.”_

_“He is my friend. I do not say these things about your friends.”_

_“That’s because my friends aren’t fucking creeps!”_

_“He is not a creep. He cares about me.”_

_“And I don’t, I suppose he’s told you? Mark doesn’t care. Mark’s shit. Mark’s a fucking waste of space. Mark doesn’t deserve you-”_

_“-Stop it. Cannot even talk to you like this!”_

_“You’ve made it pretty clear you can’t talk to me in any state, mate. Why not break the habits of a lifetime!”_

_“Are delusional when are drunk! Will not even hear me.”_

_“That doesn’t sound like a confession, mate.”_

_“Am not cheating on you! Do you want me to be? Maybe you want an affair so you want me to fuck up so you can too! Maybe you do want to be fucking Jenson!” Fernando gasps as suddenly he’s pin to the wall, Mark’s arm tight against his neck. He tries to pull the Australian off but it’s no use; his hold is too tight. Fernando panics, suddenly finding it hard to breathe. “Ma-”_

_“-You think I’m cheating on you now, do you?” Mark’s voice is scarily calm; scarily angry. Fernando swallows, feeling Mark’s arm press him tighter to the wall. “You think I’ve been off fucking Jenson?”_

_“No-”_

_“-The guilty accuse, Fernando.” Mark eyes flash darkly. “Maybe you are hiding something. Trying to make it seem like I’m distrusting you when you actually are fucking Lewis.”_

_“No, Mark-”_

_“-Have you been sleeping with him? Have you been cheating on me?”_

_“No-” The room spins as Mark slams Fernando against the wall._

_“Have you been cheating on me?” Mark’s voice is getting louder and Fernando begs that he’ll just let go on his neck, at least take the pressure off so he can breath normally. He’s gasping for air and the more he gasps the more he panics, the more he panics the more he stays quiet, but the quieter he stays the tighter Mark’s grip gets. Fernando tries to shake his head but it doesn’t work. Mark pushes him tighter to the wall with the rest of his body, his hands grabbing at his crotch. Tears spring in Fernando’s eyes and he wants them to stop but he can’t. He’s never been scared of Mark but right now he’s petrified. “Did he touch you here?” Mark growls, his grip tight on the front of Fernando’s trousers. Fernando just wants it all to stop. He wishes he hadn’t come back, just taken up Lewis’ offer of staying there._

_“N-no…” Fernando breathes, closing his eyes as more tears dampen his cheeks. Mark’s arm wraps around his hips, gripping forcefully to his arse. Fernando bites his lip hard as the pain shoots through him. Why is this happening? Why is this happening?_

_“How about here?” Fernando hates this. He wants his Mark back. He doesn’t even recognise the man in front of him now. If he pretends it’s not happening it won’t be. It will just be a horrible nightmare. He’ll wake up any moment now and- “Fernando, did he touch you here?”_

_Fernando can’t speak. He tries but no sound comes out. Mark’s arm on his throat was too tight. He was just trying to remember how to breathe. “Fernando.” Mark voice is loud now, almost shouting. He’s on the verge of loosing it. Why can’t Fernando say no? He wouldn’t be lying; Lewis never touched him. It had been innocent, one hundred per cent innocent. He had pretty much just fallen asleep. But his body seems to be giving up the fight. Months of Mark constantly hounding him and now at the moment he needs to just say no he can’t._

_He just needs to say no._

_“_ _ANSWER ME, FERNANDO!” Mark roars, both hands gripping tightly to Fernando’s neck. It is enough to startle Fernando back into the danger. If he still had his shirt on Mark’s hands would be tangled in that rather than his skin. He pulls desperately on Mark’s wrists, feeling lightheaded. The grip is getting tighter._

_“No!” Fernando gasps, his eyes desperately searching Mark’s. “N-nothing! D-did nothing!” Fernando splutters for breath as Mark throws him to the floor. Fernando’s breaths are shaky and uncontrolled, one hand soothingly rubbing his tender skin. But Mark is still towering over him._

_“Are you fucking him?” Mark barks hotly. Fernando can feel his eyes burning into his back._

_“How can you even think this!” Fernando pants, his voice still weak from Mark’s onslaught._

_“Are you?”_

_“Have drunk too much, Mark. Are just friends!” Fernando begs, sitting himself up. Mark scowls at him. But Fernando can see in his eyes he doesn’t believe him. Why? What does he have to do to make Mark believe him._

_“I’m glad I was home late today. At least I know what you’re fucking up to now!”_

_“Am not, Mark! Promise! Swear on-”_

_“-DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE!” Mark hollers, dragging Fernando back to his feet. “Get out.”_

_“No! Have done nothing wrong!”_

_“He fucking wants you, Fernando! A few sweet words and you’re putty in anyone’s hands!”_

_“Are calling me easy?” Fernando accuses. Mark just shrugs._

_“You’ve let him in your pants-”_

_“-Have not! Lewis and I are innocent in all of this-!”_

_“-Sure. Fernando, I know he has pictures of you on his phone just so he can wank over them!”_

_“Mark!”_

_“He wants nothing more than to get in your pants and now you’ve let him!”_

_“Calm down. Have drunk too-”_

_“-I’m fine!” Mark snaps, opening the door. “You need to get out.”_

_“Am not going anywhere!” Fernando yells, fighting against Mark’s attempts to get him out the door. “Are friends! This is all! You do not fuck your friends, Jenson, Nico and everyone. Why can you not trust I do not either! Love you, Mark!”_

_“But that’s why you’re at his until four in the fucking morning!”_

_“Was not having-” Fernando’s words are stopped as Mark’s palm stings across his face. He staggers into the wall, clutching at his cheek as his eyes well up again._

_“You’re despicable.” Mark fires at him. “A disgrace and I feel fucking humiliated I ever had anything to do with you. Ever.” Fernando remains pressed against the wall, feeling the heat rushing to his cheek as it throbs in pain. He doesn’t even get the chance to stop Mark; the door slamming being the only signal the Australian has gone. Three months of the same fight and now Mark is gone. He is stupidly drunk, Fernando knows that, but it doesn’t stop the emptiness settling in his stomach. It doesn’t stop the sobs ripping through his body as it all sets in._

_Fernando looks at himself in the bathroom mirror as he holds the cold flannel to his cheek. The skin on his neck is red too, but he deserves it all, no? He pushed Mark to this point, right? The drink plus him staying too late at Lewis’. Fernando knew the result would be chaotic. He just never expected this._

_Mark had already made his decision to leave before Fernando even returned; the bag was packed, ready and waiting by the door._

_“Mark?” Fernando is shocked because he isn’t expecting this. He pulls to door slightly more closed, hiding the room from the Australian. Mark sends him a tired smile._

_“Hey…” It’s awkward. So very awkward. Fernando doesn’t have a clue what to say. “How… How are you?” Fernando just shrugs. He hasn’t seen Mark since the Australian stormed out of their hotel room after the Spanish Grand Prix. He didn’t come back and he never came home between the two races. Fernando stopped trying to ring after it kept going through to answer machine._

_“Why are you here?”_

_“I… We need to talk.” Mark says, rubbing the back of his neck. “I want to talk about what happened.”_

_“Well what if I do not want to?”_

_“Mate, come on…”_

_“Have been waiting, Mark. Have been at home but you were not there.”_

_“Fernando, listen-”_

_“-Two weeks.” Fernando bites. He takes the door in his hand. “I think now maybe do not want to talk.”_

_“No. Fernando, stop it.” Mark prevents the door from closing by pressing his hand into it. “I know what I did was terrible but I just want to explain-”_

_“-Do not want to hear it.”_

_“Fernando-”_

_“-Go back to Jenson or wherever you have been.”_

_“I’m not going anywhere! We need to talk about it!”_

_“Am busy.” Fernando closes the door but Mark begins insistently hammering on it. Fernando rolls his eyes._

_“I’m not leaving, Fernando! I’m not going anywhere until we talk about this! We talk about our problems!” Fernando pulls the door back open, glaring at his husband._

_“Then talk. Have thirty seconds.” Mark gaps at him for a moment, stumbling for words._

_“…Can I come in?”_

_“No.” Fernando states, pulling the door closed until only he is visible. Mark’s eyes flick down to his neck and Fernando knows he’s looking at the faint red mark that is still just detectable. Sadness washes over Mark’s features._

_“Come on, mate. I want to talk to you. I want to fix this.”_

_“Then talk. Am listening.” Mark glances down the corridor._

_“Let me come inside.”_

_“Do not want you inside.”_

_“I’m not discussing our personal lives in the open, Fernando.”_

_“Is a shame then.” Fernando shrugs, moving to close the door again. But he doesn’t get the chance._

_“Who’s there, Fernando?” Fernando can feel the heat rushing up his cheeks as Mark’s jaw locks. He opens his mouth to explain something but no words come out._

_“Busy, are you?” Mark snarls. He doesn’t wait for Fernando to respond, barging passed him and into the room. He knocks into Fernando’s shoulder as he passes, dropping his bag heavily by the door. Fernando moves to follow Mark but it’s too late. “Get out.”_

_“You don’t have the right to tell me to do anything.” Lewis sneers, folding his arms. “Fernando wants me here.” Fernando dashes forwards as Mark pins Lewis to the wall._

_“Mark-!”_

_“I said, get out.” Mark mutters darkly, face inches from Lewis’. Fernando pulls on his arms but it’s no use._

_“Let him go!” Fernando demands, still pulling fruitlessly on Mark’s arms._

_“You’re a fucking maniac, man.” Lewis squirms, trying to move Mark’s hands off him. Mark has only got them tangled in his shirt. The Australian leans closer._

_“Let me reiterate: get the fuck out.”_

_“I’m here for Fernando. If Fernando says go then I’ll go.”_

_“Mark, enough of this.” Fernando pleads, trying to force his shoulder between the pair of them. Mark steps back suddenly, letting go of Lewis. He turns his back as Fernando straightens Lewis’ shirt. “Are Ok?”_

_“I’m fine.” Lewis grits, eyes glaring into Mark._

_“Is he leaving yet?” Mark growls. Fernando touches Lewis’ shoulder as he moves forwards, as if to set a counter attack._

_“Is best you go.” Fernando says softly. Lewis blinks at him._

_“But-”_

_“-Mark and I have some things to talk about…” Fernando hasn’t told Lewis what happened, but Lewis knows something happened. Fernando can only believe he’s made his own assumptions but he hasn’t confirmed anything. It’s not Lewis’ business._

_“Alright.” Lewis says dubiously._

_“Don’t let the door smack you on the way out, Lewis.” Mark snaps, arms folded tightly as he stands in the middle of the room. Lewis takes Fernando’s shoulder._

_“I’ll see you later, yeah? For dinner? Just like we arranged?”_

_“Sure.” Fernando shrugs, looking at the floor and blushing as he can feel Mark’s eyes burning into his back. Lewis’ gives him a comforting squeeze._

_“Ok…”_

_“Meeting up for dinner now, are you?” Mark jeers after the door has shut behind Lewis. Fernando keeps his back to him. “Fucking hell, mate. How long did it take, eh? Was he there just after I left the fucking room?”_

_“Is none of your business.” Fernando spits, spinning around to face Mark. “Have no right to kick my friends out.”_

_“I’m kicking your lover out, Fernando. Let’s at least give him the right title.”_

_“AM NOT SLEEPING WITH LEWIS!” Fernando hollers, catching Mark off guard. The Australian drops his arms. “Cannot say this anymore! If you will not believe me then get out yourself! We have nothing more to say to each other!” Fernando’s words ring in the air as Mark just stares at him, bemused._

_“Fernando, I…”_

_“You what? You think am not pissed off that you do not contact me for two weeks! You think am happy that you just leave and do not even tell me what is going on?”_

_“Mate, listen-” Mark tries but Fernando just pushes his arms off him._

_“-No you listen! You have no idea how you make me feel, Mark! You have no idea what I have been through! I come here this weekend not even knowing if I still have a husband.” Fernando gasps, caught out by his emotions suddenly catching up with him. “Cannot… You cannot just….”_

_“Shh, Fernando…” Mark coos, dragging the Spaniard into his arms. Fernando would love to fight them but it’s been so long and he’s craving Mark’s hold, Mark’s love. He just wants things back to how they were before everything fell apart. Mark brings him back to the edge of the bed, pulling him into his lap as Fernando cries into his shoulder. “I’m sorry… I guess… I didn’t deal with this well. I shouldn’t have not come home, that was stupid. But I just felt so ashamed of what I had done… I didn’t mean to hurt you, Fernando. And I’ll never do it again – I promise… I drank too much and then when I came back and you weren’t there… I’m so sorry…” Mark mutters, nuzzling at the side of Fernando’s face. Fernando looks up at him, eyes brimming with tears._

_“I love you…” Fernando exhales, because right now it’s all he feels like he can do. He can feel Mark slipping away from him and everything just seems to be piling on top of itself. The one thing that has kept him going all these years is his love for Mark. With that feeling like it’s slipping away too Fernando just feels completely at a lost end._

_He’ll do anything to keep Mark by his side._

_“You shouldn’t. Not after everything I’ve done…”_

_“But I do.” Fernando says more sternly. Mark moves away from him slightly but Fernando holds on tightly. “Is the racing again?”_

_“A bit…” Mark nods, playing with the hem of Fernando’s shirt._

_“I never tell you that is the hardest thing.” Mark frowns at him._

_“What is?”_

_“Fighting in the racing and not fighting here.” Fernando brushes his fingers down Mark’s cheek. “When I pick the racing over you I feel like the worst person.”_

_“I told you that was fine, Fernando. I understood.”_

_“But still felt horrible. And since have not known how to get you back…”_

_“It’s fine. I’m right here.”_

_“No… Are not…” The silence drags out. Fernando is too scared to look up at Mark, not knowing what he might see._

_“So what are you saying?” Fernando keeps his eyes firmly on his knees._

_“You are not happy, we are not happy… Maybe it is the best option…”_

_“What is?” Fernando bites his lip, closing his eyes._

_“You … Retiring…” It is as if someone has sealed the room off completely. The air goes still. Everything is shockingly silent, stoically still. Fernando feels like he’s just detonated a bomb and now they’re stuck in the aftermath. He’s just waiting for his ears to start ringing._

_“You think I should retire?”_

_“Are not happy…” Fernando risks a look at his husband as Mark moves away from him._

_“Let me get this straight,” Mark starts; pinching the bridge of his nose. “When you are finding it difficult balancing the championship with us I tell you it’s fine to leave us be for a while. But the other way round you’re asking me to stop?”_

_“You say yourself are not happy.”_

_“You’re supposed to support me, Fernando, not tell me to give up!”_

_“Are not giving up.”_

_“How could I even expect you to understand this! Teams have always got your teammate scampering out the way for you! You don’t understand what this feels like!”_

_“Mark, do not mean to upset-”_

_“-I need some air.” Mark grits, storming out of the room. Fernando flinches when the door slams shut, dropping his head in his hands. He’d only just got Mark back…_

_That could have gone better._

_“So are retiring?” Fernando drops, standing in his view of the television. Mark just shrugs. “Do not even think to tell me?”_

_“I’m doing as I was told, I’m supposed to ask permission before carrying out your beck and call?” Mark shoots sarcastically, peering around Fernando at the football match he has found._

_“Are a team, Mark.”_

_“Not last time I checked…”_

_“Did not tell you to do this! If wanted to keep racing should have!” Mark swings his feet off the sofa, sitting up and looking at Fernando. He suddenly lets out a deep sigh, falling back into the cushions and running a hand over his face._

_“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you…”_

_“Why do you not?”_

_“I just…” Mark covers his face with his hands. “I thought about what you said and you’re right. I’m not happy. Not racing there anymore. And I hate what that team is doing to us. Or doing to me which is affecting us…. I don’t want to loose you, Fernando.” Mark sits forwards, taking his hand. “But you can’t tell me you haven’t felt this too. We’re drifting apart-”_

_“-Is not unfixable. As you say, we can fix everything.” Fernando soothes, crouching in front of Mark and kissing his hand._

_“Right. Which is what I’m doing. I’m fixing us and that starts with me leaving Red Bull.”_

_“Why do you not tell me? Know will always support you.”_

_“I guess I didn’t want you to think it was your fault…” Fernando can’t help but feel a little responsible thought. What if by saying what he did he robbed the Australian of the title he’d been chasing down? “Stop it.” Mark says, pulling Fernando onto the sofa beside him. “I said it wasn’t your fault.”_

_“If I had not-”_

_“-Then I’d have been unhappy for a year. You were right, mate. I’m not happy there. I’ve not been happy there for ages; ever since they prioritised him over me. It’s never been fair and I guess I’ve just run out of patience with it all…”_

_“Are also old now.” Fernando smiles lightly, poking Mark’s stomach._

_“Watch it. You’re not far behind me.” Fernando snuggles close to Mark, loving the normality of the moment. He’s missed this so much._

_“I love you…”_

_“I love you too, buddy.”_

_“Te amo…”_

_“God, I love it when you say that.” Mark hums, crawling on top of Fernando and laying him out on the sofa. Fernando’s hands reach for Mark but they hold him still. “Mate-?”_

_“-What are you going to do instead?” Fernando asks. Mark blinks at him._

_“Instead?”_

_“Of Formula One.”_

_“Oh.” Mark rests his elbow on the arm of the chair, resting his cheek in his hand. “Porsche have been asking questions…”_

_“Yes?” Fernando says enthusiastically. He needs to know Mark knows he supports him in every decision._

_“Endurance racing…”_

_“Sounds fun. Different.”_

_“Mmmm…” Mark nods. He kisses Fernando’s nose. “I’ll show you the email.”_

_“Do not have to run everything passed me. Would just like to know. Is your career not mine.”_

_“But I want you to be involved.” Mark smiles lightly. Fernando blushes._

_“Mark…” He says, turning his head as Mark kisses softly down his neck._

_“Hmmm?” Mark hums against his skin. It makes him shiver involuntarily._

_“Can we… Slow down?” Mark looks up at him, a small frown creasing his forehead._

_“Slow down?”_

_“Just… Do not want to rush back into us without fixing all the broken pieces.” Fernando explains, fingers dancing through Mark’s hair. “We go slow… We fix this.”_

_“Of course, Nano.” Mark agrees, kissing Fernando’s lips gently. He chuckles lightly when Fernando chases after them._

_“Can start with you coming back to our bed?” Fernando offers; cheeks tinted a soft rubicund. Mark beams at him._

_“I’d love that, mate.”_

“He looks really pale… Someone should get a bucket in case he’s sick…”

“I’m not leaving him, mate.”

“Well I’m not leaving him alone with you-!”

“-For fuck sake. How is he not the priority right now? Is fine – I go.”

Fernando isn’t listening to their voices. Canada… How on Earth had he forgotten Canada…

 

_This has got to stop. He can’t take it anymore. He doesn’t even know what Lewis is trying to achieve but he can’t deal with it. It’s too much. Mark and he are finally getting back to a good place, things are finally settling down. It feels like Mark’s retirement (even though it’s not been announced yet) has really put them back on the right track. They seem happier together. It’s like falling in love all over again._

_So why is Lewis trying his hardest to pry them apart?_

_Fernando doesn’t understand but this has gone on for long enough. He needs to talk to Mark. He’s going to talk to Mark. He doesn’t want a fight he just wants Mark to scoff at him, laugh and say ‘you idiot, how could I ever do that to you’. Then anything Lewis ever says will never matter again. Because Mark won’t lie to him. Fernando is positive of that._

_“Hey, bud- woah, are you alright?” Mark’s smile clatters to the floor as he moves around the bed, scooping Fernando into his arms. Fernando drops his bag lightly to the floor, falling into Mark’s hold and gripping on tightly. This can’t be true. Lewis has to be lying. “Fernando, mate, what’s going on?”_

_“I…” Fernando buries himself into Mark, his fists creasing Mark’s shirt in the instant. He doesn’t care. He’s so scared. Why is he so scared? Mark would never do anything to hurt him. Why is he even doubting this?_

_“Nano, you’re going to need to talk to me. I can’t… I don’t know what’s going on.”_

_“No…” He doesn’t want to know but he has to know. This has gone on for too long now; it’s hurting him._

_“Fernando, please. You’re scaring me.”_

_“Lewis…”_

_“Lewis?” Mark’s grip tightens on him. “What has Lewis done? Has he hurt you?” Fernando just shakes his head. He needs to breathe and calm down. He needs to ask the question that has been hanging over his head for years. “Talk to me, buddy. I can’t help you if you don’t talk.”_

_“Lewis says… Things…” Fernando tells Mark’s chest, his voice muffled due to his close proximity to the Australian. Mark rubs his back._

_“What sort of things? What has he said?”_

_“Do not… Do not want to ask…”_

_“Ask what?”_

_“Will not be true… Would not do this…” Fernando wraps his arms tightly around Mark’s waist, burying his head in the Australian’s shoulder. He only just registers that Mark’s hands have fallen from his back._

_“What did he say?” Mark’s voice is controlled. Fernando pulls him closer._

_“Is silly.”_

_“But it’s got you worked up, mate. So I need to know what he said to you.”_

_“Should probably just forget-”_

_“-Fernando.” Mark steps away from him, holding his shoulders. Fernando wipes his hand messily under his eyes. “What did Lewis say?”_

_“He says he saw you…” Fernando swallows, the lump in his throat growing. He can only see panic in Mark’s eyes. Panic he knows is about to change into hot anger. “No…” Fernando drops his head._

_“Saw me what?” Fernando winces as Mark’s fingers bite into his skin. He’s shocked to see the panic still in Mark’s eyes._

_“Should not even ask-”_

_“-What did Lewis see me doing?” Mark presses. Fernando tries to force the lump in his throat away but it’s not moving._

_“Would not do this-”_

_“-Fernando-!” Mark raises his arms but turns, hitting the wall and causing Fernando to jump. Fernando observes him curiously, not understanding. Mark exhales a long shaky breath. “Just ask me…” He says to the wall. His tone is defeated. Fernando hates it._

_“No.”_

_“Fernando, you need to ask me for you. So just ask me.” Mark turns to face Fernando but Fernando takes a step away. No, no Mark can’t be confirming this. Mark wouldn’t do it to him. But what other reason would he have to look so beaten? What other reason would there be for the panic that was in his eyes. “Ask me.” Mark repeats, standing very still, as if Fernando is a frightened animal. Fernando shakes his head._

_“You would not…”_

_“I can explain.” Mark says, holding his hands up. Fernando can’t see, his eyes too full of tears. He thinks he’s shaking his head but he’s not exactly sure. It feels like someone has shot him: a hot hard feeling in his chest. And it’s spreading over his shoulders. He wants to fall back but no one is there to catch him. He doesn’t feel stable; he feels like he’s breaking apart. “Fernando, listen-”_

_“-You… You…” Fernando can’t even get the words out. He thinks he’s going to be sick._

_“Mate, it’s more complicated than you-”_

_“-You cheated-” Fernando’s breath catches in his throat. He can’t finish the sentence. He can’t function anything. Nothing but Mark. Mark looking so distort and beaten in front of him. Mark looking so damn guilty it’s almost hilarious._

_“Fernando, please-”_

_“-All this time…” Fernando doesn’t know what to do with himself. His feet feel shaky but stable, his head is unraveling at the speed of light. Everything and anything is tumbling around him and he’s surprised he’s still on his feet._

_“Just sit down. We can talk about-”_

_“-When?” Fernando asks, hating himself and loving himself for having the courage to ask at the same time. He can’t even get his thoughts in order. He just knows Mark cheated. Mark cheated and he has to know when._

_“It’s not… Fernando just sit down and talk to me.”_

_“When?”_

_“It’s not important wh-”_

_“-I ask when. You owe me an answer.” Fernando snarls, glaring at Mark. Mark drops his head in shame, running his hand through his hair. Fernando can’t believe it. Mark has been cheating on him with Jenson. All those days he has gone with Jenson… What if every time they were together? What if every time they were fucking? The thought makes Fernando feel sick. Jenson with his Mark… He can’t bare the thought._

_“Turkey… It happened first…” Fernando feels like someone has ripped his ribs open and pulled out his heart. He doesn’t know how to be anymore. It takes him a moment to realise._

_“Turkey? But that was not since…” The year hits Fernando like a ton of bricks. He has no control as he lunges at Mark. “YOU DO THIS BEFORE WE GET MARRIED!?”_

_“Fernando, no! I could never do that!” Mark tries but it seems his words have no use. He grabs Fernando’s wrists before the raging Spaniard can make any contact. “It was after… After the incident… Where I-”_

_“-2010!?” Fernando shrieks, trying so desperately to cause Mark a scratch of the pain he’s going through. “IS EVEN WORSE! YOU DO THIS AND THEN PROPOSE?”_

_“Fernando, please-!” Mark begs, tears streaming down his face. But Fernando can’t see them. Fernando can’t see passed what Mark has done._

_“How! How do you do this to me?”_

_“If you sit down I can explain-”_

_“-Do not want to here the excuses you rehearse!” Fernando fires, pushing away from Mark. “How can you do this! Jenson has Nico! How is this fair, Mark! How do you-?”_

_“-What?” Fernando’s eyes almost budge from his head when he sees the confusion on Mark’s face. “Jenson? Why are you talking about Jenson?”_

_“… Are not?” The room sways. Fernando is sure he’s about to pass out. All of the colour drains from Mark’s face. Anger rears hotly in Fernando. “If is not Jenson then who have you been fucking since you propose to me?”_

_“Fernando, just let me-”_

_“-WHO!” Fernando breathes heavily, glaring deep into Mark’s eyes. The Australian shrinks into himself._

_“Mate-”_

_“-WHO, MARK? WHO IS IT YOU PREFER TO ME?”_

_“That’s not-”_

_“-WHO!” Fernando has a tight hold in Mark’s collar, their faces close. Mark drops his head and Fernando can see how bad he doesn’t want to say this. But now he has to. Fernando demands to know._

_The first time Mark says it Fernando can’t believe he heard him right._

_“Am sorry?” He can feel himself shaking in anger. He can feel his grip is tight enough he could tear Mark’s shirt. Mark swallows; it’s so quiet it almost echoes through the room._

_“… Sebastian…”_

_The world stops turning. Fernando definitely doesn’t know how to breathe. And he definitely can’t exist. Not in this nightmare world._

_He doesn’t know where the strength comes from, maybe adrenaline, maybe the hurt, maybe the anger he can feel pouring from every inch of his body, intoxicating his brain, but the next thing he knows Mark is sliding across the desk, taking out the glasses at the edge. And Fernando knows he’s punching him, trying to pin down his braced arms so he can really vent his feelings. Even if it doesn’t feel like him. Even if he doesn’t feel in control of his body. He knows it’s happening. He knows he’s hurting Mark. Maybe he can hear a strangled cry of his name but it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t want to hear anymore._

_Somehow Mark pushes him off, gets his hands on his hips but Fernando kicks away from him. Maybe he sees blood on the carpet but he’s not sure. Nothing is adding up anymore. “STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!” He screams as he finds himself tumbling out of their hotel room. He walks straight into the far wall, sliding down it as everything overcomes him and he sobs, cries his heart out. How could Mark hurt him like this? It’s all setting in as he realises Mark cheated on him with Sebastian. He kind of wishes it had been Jenson now; it maybe would have been easier to deal with._

_… The first time…_

_It happened more than once. Fernando can’t breathe because it happened more than once._

_“Fernando?” It’s a softer voice. It’s not Mark. And because it’s not Mark he reaches for it. He’s helped to his feet, supported up until he’s in another room. No Mark. There is no Mark so he’s allowed to break apart now. A soft hand curls into his hair but it’s not Mark so he leaves it there. He lets whoever it is lay him down, tries to quiet him, calm him down. Fernando doesn’t know how long he sobs for but his heart hurts and his lungs ache and it feels like he’s swallowed a bag of nails. His head is pounding with a headache and right now all he wants to do is make all the pain disappear. He wants to escape it all._

_“Is Ok…” The Italian voice mutters in his ear. Fernando shakes his head, his breathing wrecked. “Is Ok, Fernando, you sleep now.” He wants to fight it, he really does but the need and the exhaustion wash over him in a wave of fatigue and before he knows it the room is gone, only the soft hand brushing through his hair remaining in the darkness._

_“What?”_

_“Do not know what happened, just found him crying…”_

_“A lot?”_

_“Was heart-breaking, Lorena. Try asking Mark but… Mark should not be here.”_

_“You think Mark did this to him?”_

_“Do not know…”_

_A small hand is patting his cheek. It’s nice. A bit annoying but there is something comforting about it._

_“No, cannot believe Mark would do something like this to him…”_

_“Lorena… He comes from Mark. I hear yelling.”_

_“You could be wrong.” Fernando buries himself further under the duvet as the realisation of what they’re talking about hits him. He wants that to have been a horrible dream. He doesn’t want that to have really happened. He wants to wake up in Mark’s arms and hold him tightly, yell at Lewis for putting stupid ideas in his head. But he’s not with Mark. He’s here with Andrea and Lorena. And that is almost like the final nail in the coffin._

_Mark cheated on him. Not once, but God knows how many times… With Sebastian._

_Fernando tries to hide under the duvet but someone is pushing into his hold. Fernando blinks down at the little mop of brunette hair wriggling into his arms. He wraps them around her little body, pulling her close and closing his eyes. He didn’t believe he could produce any more tears after last night._

_“Tila, come here.”_

_“No. Uncle Nado sad…” Tila says, pushing closer into Fernando’s hold. Fernando brings her closer still. Tila doesn’t understand. Tila could never understand. But the hurt is too raw for any logic to enter Fernando’s head. He just likes that someone is here holding him, even if they don’t know why._

_“We need to find out what happened.” Lorena says. Fernando grabs for the duvet as it’s pulled away but it’s no use. Lorena has it off him before his fingers brush against it. “Can you sit up, Nano?” The name shoots ice down Fernando’s spine and he buries his face in Tila’s hair, unable to stop the tears. Lorena sends him a sympathetic look but Fernando doesn’t want it. He wants Mark back and he wants Mark not to have cheated. “Fernando…”_

_“How about I take the little one, yes? We go for a walk and you can talk to Fernando?”_

_“No! Am Staying with Uncle Nado!” Tila whines, holding Fernando tighter. Fernando swallows, knowing Tila can’t be here if he’s going to talk. He won’t darken her image of Mark with words she doesn’t understand. She’s too young to know what Mark has done wrong. He tries to dry his eyes but there is no point. Discarding the job he sits up, holding Tila in his lap._

_“You go with Uncle Andrea, yes?” His voice is rough, raw and sounds tired. Tila pouts sadly up at him, gripping to his shirt tighter. “Go and get ice cream or something…”_

_“Are sad.” Tila points out, bottom lip wobbling dangerously. Fernando attempts to raise a smile but it is no use. He catches the tears as they roll from Tila’s eyes._

_“Sometimes… S-Sometimes adults are sad…” Fernando’s voice fails on him and he looks at Lorena and Andrea for some help. He can’t explain to a three-year-old how the man he loves broke his heart. She won’t understand. And that much pain isn’t fair for anyone to go to. Especially her._

_“When am sad Mama gets me a present to make me feel better.” Tila explains, emulating Fernando and catching the tears off his cheeks. Fernando bites his cheek, trying to stop this before it all gets too much for him._

_“How about you go and get something for Uncle Nado then, yeah?” Lorena says softly, brushing a hand through Tila’s hair. “Go with Uncle Andrea, he can help you.”_

_“Is a gift shop downstairs? We go there.” Andrea nods, holding out his hand. Tila looks between the three of them before her eyes set on Fernando. She wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him close._

_“Love you, Uncle Nado.” She says, standing on his lap. Fernando weakly rubs her back but he can’t keep this front up. He glances at Lorena and she sends him a small nod._

_“Ok, go with Uncle Andrea now?” Lorena says, picking Tila up from under her arms and setting her one the floor. “Maybe Uncle Andrea can help you find something for you to take home and show all your friends?”_

_“Do not need anything.” Tila says, still looking at Fernando. Andrea hoists her into his arms. Nothing else is said as Andrea walks her out of the room. Once the door closes Fernando drops his head in his hands, feeling the tears rising in him, the lump securing itself in his throat. Lorena’s arm comes around his shoulder and he throws himself into her embrace, crying his eyes out. He can’t stop the tears. He can’t calm down enough to make a coherent sentence. He’s trying to tell her what happened but there is no way he can._

_“Shh, Fernando, please.” Lorena’s voice shows her hurt, how much it’s hurting her to see Fernando like this. Fernando wants to stop but he can’t. It’s all too real. Lorena is here when yesterday she was in Spain. And Andrea has been looking after him all night apparently. He doesn’t know the extent of what any of them know but he’s kind of wishing they all already knew so he doesn’t have to talk about it. “What is this about, hey? What has happened?”_

_“M-Ma-ar-rr-rk-k…” Fernando gasps, shocked he even manages to get that word out. Lorena rubs his arm soothingly._

_“What about Mark? What has Mark done?”_

_“He… He…” Fernando knows once he’s told Lorena he can’t take that back. Lorena will then know. And then Lorena will hate Mark too. Fernando should want people to hate Mark but he doesn’t. He doesn’t want to damage anyone’s opinion of the Australian._

_“Can only help if you tell me…” Fernando swallows forcedly, trying to calm his breathing._

_“Promise you not say…” Fernando exhales, sniffling and moving closer to Lorena. Lorena kisses his temple, brushing a hand through his hair._

_“Promise will not say what?”_

_“Cannot… Tell anyone else…”_

_“Fernando-”_

_“-No one, Ok?” Fernando sits himself up. “Stays between you and me.”_

_“Andrea will want to know what has happened.”_

_“Cannot tell Andrea!” Fernando gets to his feet but Lorena pulls him back into her arms._

_“Ok, Fernando… Ok.” Fernando knows she’s going against her better judgment but it’s important to him no one knows about this. He doesn’t want people thinking he’s been looked over again for the fucking German cunt. Fernando shakes his head, gripping tightly to Lorena._

_“What does Mark do?”_

_“You promise you not say?”_

_“Promise, Fernando…” She coos, rocking him slightly. Just like their mother used to when they were upset as kids. It’s a comfort Fernando didn’t know he needed. He closes his eyes._

_“… He cheats…” Fernando can’t finish the sentence, hiding into Lorena’s hold. But Lorena has stopped rocking him, going stiff-still. Fernando is too scared to look up at her, worried of what he might see. Some huge part of him hates the idea Lorena might now hate Mark. It shouldn’t but it does. Fernando can’t explain why._

_“Who?” He can hear the anger in Lorena’s voice, feel it pouring off her skin. But Fernando shakes his head. He can’t tell her that. He doesn’t want to admit it himself. “Fernando, who did he cheat on you with?” Her words are like ice, carving down his flesh. The bluntness of the statement is like salt in his freshly cut wounds. He shakes his head again. “Need you to tell me who the fucker-”_

_“-No.” Fernando bites, tears springing from his eyes. “Is not important.”_

_“It is, Fernando, he-”_

_“-I know what has done, Lorena. Telling you who will not change this.” Lorena observes him, her anger seeping away as she sees the wreck Mark has left her little brother in. And as much as she wants to kill Mark for doing this her priority is Fernando. She pulls him into a hurt. “Hurts, Lorena…”_

_“He hurts you badly. Are allowed to hates his guts.”_

_“But do not… Still love him.” That is probably the most painful thing about the whole damn thing. He still loves Mark and he still wants to let the Australian fix it all. Lorena is shaking her head._

_“Are staying here. Stay away from him for a while. Clear your head, yes? Cannot just forgive him for something as big as this.”_

_“But I love him.”_

_“And what if he does it again?” Lorena fires, not meaning to be aggressive but needing Fernando to understand. Mark’s words ring in Fernando’s ears: the first time… It feels like Mark has already done enough damage to tear them in two but Fernando doesn’t want that. He wants Mark back. “This is a big fuck up, Fernando.” The worry and panic of loosing Mark rushes through him and he’s crying again. Crying so desperately he’s sure only Mark can make the tears stop._

_“I… I d-did n-not wan-nt to-to g-give it-t –bac-ck…” Fernando snivels, clutching tightly to his left hand. Lorena drags him closer._

_“May not have a choice anymore…”_

_“Lorena talks to me before she goes…” Andrea says lightly. Fernando has his back to him, holding the teddy bear Tila brought him tightly. “Tells me, whatever happens, must not let you go back to Mark.”_

_“Make my own decisions.” Fernando mutters, his voice tired and defeated. He wants to fight but right now he hasn’t got the energy. He wants to protest when Andrea sits beside him but he can’t find it in him to send the Italian away._

_“Do you want to go home tomorrow or come back to mine?”_

_“Home.”_

_“Ok. I come with you.” Andrea says gently. Fernando almost expects him to rub his shoulders, tell him it’s all Ok but he doesn’t. Fernando is grateful for that. “This is understandable. Is Ok to feel like this.” Andrea’s voice is soft. Fernando doesn’t think he’s ever heard him speak so softly before. He sniffs, trying to stop the tears flowing down his cheeks but there is just no use._

_“She tells you?”_

_“No… No she says you do not want people to know. I understand this but can see Mark has hurt you badly. Need you to know am on your side whatever. Will always have my support.” Fernando looks over at his race engineer, not knowing how to put what he is feeling into words. It all happens so fast. One moment he’s just looking at Andrea, feeling gratitude beyond anything he has ever felt and the next he has pressed their lips softly together. Andrea pushes back on his shoulder. “No.”_

_“Please…” Fernando tries to close the gap again but Andrea holds him back._

_“Do not want this. Are hurting. Do not make a mistake.”_

_“Andrea-” Fernando huffs but Andrea gets to his feet._

_“-Try to get some sleep, yes? Long day tomorrow.” Andrea moves towards the sofa, leaving Fernando alone on the bed. He moodily throws himself back under the duvet, glaring at the wall. He just wants someone to have his back. Why can’t Andrea just help him?_

_It takes Fernando a little too long to realise that’s exactly what Andrea is doing. He’s not letting him make the same mistakes Mark did. He snuggles further under the duvet, clutching Tila’s teddy bear tightly and desperately reminding himself he’s not alone in all of this._

“No, no, no, no…” Fernando remembers. He remembers that feeling too well. The tears are building inside him again as if he’s just been told for the first time. How could Mark do that to him? How?

“Fernando?” Fernando pulls his second hand free of whoever is holding him, tangling it in his hair. His head hurts so bad and he wants to cry his eyes out. None of this is fair.

“Is he going to be sick?”

“In here, Fernando. We have a bucket right here.”

He shakes his head, just wanting his head to stop hurting but there is still so much he has to remember…

_In hindsight, they should have seen this coming. Mark is sitting on the doorstep when Fernando pulls up on the drive. He looks like he hasn’t slept in weeks, even though it’s only been a few days. Fernando can’t take his eyes off him. He stops the car but makes no sign of getting out. Mark gets to his feet._

_“Are Ok? We can go.” Andrea says supportively from beside him. Fernando shakes his head._

_“No point putting off the inevitable…” With a deep breath Fernando pushes his door open, keeping his sunglasses on as he opens the back door, pulling out his bag._

_“Mark-”_

_“-Fuck off, Andrea.” Mark shoots. Fernando tries to turn around but he finds himself trapped in Mark’s arms, unable to move. He wants to push him off and pull him closer at the same time. “Fernando, please, mate. Just listen to me.” Fernando steps away from Mark, shaking his head. He doesn’t want to know. Right now he doesn’t think he’ll hear Mark. There is small satisfaction in seeing the bruise around Mark’s eye but almost instantly it makes him feel worse. He thinks back to when Mark hurt him. Does this make them even? Fernando hates that it’s a reminder of what he is capable of, of what Mark has done. “Fernando you have to listen-”_

_“-Think you should give him some room, Mark.”_

_“You don’t know anything, Andrea, so just get out of my face-”_

_“-Mark.” Fernando fires but it’s too much. He wants to run as Mark looks over at him but he can’t – won’t. He will come out of this looking better. “Come on, Andrea.”_

_“Fernando-”_

_“-Need you to leave.” Fernando tells the door, fiddling with his keys. Andrea takes them from his shaking hands, finding the right one and opening the door._

_“I’m not going anywhere! You can’t just kick me out!”_

_“Can and am.” Fernando states, folding his arms and facing Mark. Mark steps towards him and he instinctively steps back, bumping into the side of the house._

_“I’m sorry, Fernando. You don’t know how sorry I am. But if you just let me explain-”_

_“-Have decided do not want to hear your empty words.” He bites, shoving his hand into Mark’s chest. Mark catches the ring before it hits the floor, gaping at it. “Goodbye, Mark.”_

_“Fernando, just wait. Think about this!”_

_“Have.” He lets Andrea usher him into the house, shutting Mark out as he tries to follow him in._

_“You’re hurting! It’s only been two days! Don’t do anything rash!” Mark hollers against the closed door. Andrea pulls Fernando into a hug._

_“Am proud of you.” Andrea mutters. Fernando shakes his head._

_“He has a key to the house.”_

_“Then we change the locks.” Andrea promises, getting his phone out. Fernando grabs his wrist._

_“Wait until has left…” Fernando mutters, looking at the silhouette of his husband through the frosted glass, hammering on the door and begging for him to listen to him._

_Thinking back, Fernando isn’t sure how he ever thought this was going to work. He saw Mark’s announcement that he would be retiring and giving his reasons that he wanted to focus on his family with Fernando, how family was the most important thing to him. Sitting alone in a hotel room they seemed to be the words he wanted to hear. He had gone to Mark that evening and let him have his say (still didn’t want to be told why he had cheated on him with Sebastian; that wound was still too much, too fresh, too close to the surface). He said he forgave him. He knew too many people who would tell him this was a mistake but he still loves Mark. Irrelevant of everything that has happened they are still married and in love. Well, he can at least say he loves Mark. It was too much when Mark had his ring in his pocket, telling him he carried it with him everywhere hoping one day Fernando would come back to him. Cheesy, in hindsight, but at the time it had Fernando falling into bed with him, desperately tearing at his clothes to remember every aspect of Mark he missed the most._

_But now that all seems like a con to get him back. Fernando doesn’t know what to do with this feeling, but it’s coming out wrong right now; it’s coming out as anger. Unexplainable anger. They shared a sweet podium together, happy to let Nico have the limelight as they stood on the next two steps. Fernando had made comment about how wonderful Mark’s words had been about family and how he had his support. The fans had loved that. They had loved the moment they shared up on the podium. It reminded Fernando of when Mark proposed to him all those years ago._

_But that made him think about what Mark had done only weeks before that proposal._

_“Really acting your age, mate.” Mark snakes. Fernando has to agree, he’s not being very mature right now but he’s so angry with Mark. Seeing the two of them together, chatting as they walked towards the press pit tipped him over the edge. But he’s not going to let Mark know he agrees with him._

_“Am not being a child, Mark.”_

_“You are, Fernando! This is ridiculous. You’re throwing your toys out of your pram like a two year old!”_

_“Can you blame me? Really?”_

_“You’re stubbornness is really fucking annoying sometimes.” Mark exasperates, walking towards the bathroom and leaving Fernando sitting on the floor amid the pile of clothes he has been throwing around. Fernando can’t actually remember what they were arguing about in the first place. It seems so petty at this moment it’s laughable. Probably something tiny like Mark leaving the top off the toothpaste and it’s escaladed to this._

_“Is this why you did it?” Fernando seethes, knotting his arms together tighter. Mark turns back to him and throws him a ludicrous look._

_“What?” Mark asks darkly, barely moving his lips._

_“Is this the reason?”_

_“You’re fucking joking, right? You’re not really asking me that.” Mark says, shaking his head slightly. Fernando shrugs._

_“There has to be a reason. Or maybe not. Maybe there was no reason. Maybe I mean that little.” Fernando’s tone is wavering over desolate anger but it makes Mark snap._

_“I can’t keep having this fucking conversation. I’m sorry! I fucked up. I know I did and I’ve never blamed you. You know you mean the world to me, Fernando. You told me you forgave me, you can’t keep throwing this in my face!”_

_“Maybe I have not.” Fernando pushes himself off the floor and walks towards the balcony. Mark grabs his elbow and spins him round._

_“Have not what?”_

_“Have not forgiven you.” Mark blinks at Fernando’s words in disbelief._

_“You can’t… You can’t fucking do that, Fernando!”_

_“Can do whatever I want… You did.” Fernando spits. Mark’s hands fly into his hair as he paces away from Fernando. Fernando just folds his arms, staring at him in a bored manner._

_“If you just let me explain-”_

_“-Do not want to hear it.” Fernando shoots, rummaging through the mess at his feet._

_“Really? That’s going to help you right now?” Fernando glares at him as he pushes a cigarette from the packet, placing it between his lips. He turns on his heels, heading for the balcony. “Say hi to Lewis for me!”_

_“Fuck you, Mark!” Fernando snarls, slamming the door behind him. He looses his patience quickly, unable to light the damn thing because he’s shaking too much with anger. He’s about to throw his lighter off into the British landscape._

_“Hi…” Fernando freezes, arms still poised to toss the lighter into the abyss. He drops it back by his side as he frowns over at Nico. “Want a hand?” Fernando moves towards him, letting Nico light his cigarette before straightening up, exhaling the cloud of smoke into the night._

_“Thanks…” Fernando sighs, leaning back against the wall. Nico watches him closely._

_“You know… I understand…” Nico mutters. Fernando turns back to him, frowning again. “Thin walls.” Nico reminds, point back towards the wall their rooms share. Fernando drops his head._

_“Great… Now the whole world knows my business…”_

_“Maybe not… Just me.”_

_“Fantastic.” Fernando sighs sarcastically, taking another drag from his cigarette. There is silence for a moment where they just exchange smoke._

_“I know how you’re feeling. You want to forgive him, tell him it’s Ok he messed up. Once isn’t an issue, right?” Fernando can’t follow where Nico is taking this. “But then it happens again and you’re stuck. Because he expects you to forgive him, for you to understand because you did before. And you want to, you really do, but there is something different this time. It’s the way he doesn’t quite say ‘I’m sorry’ but says ‘Why have you changed?’ And suddenly it’s your fault. And if it’s your fault how can you not forgive him? You’ve got to make it up to him. Suddenly you’re the one apologising. Before you know it there have been an uncountable number of offences and it begins to feel like normal, like a relationship is supposed to be like this. So maybe you try yourself. But something holds you back and you can’t do it because you love him too much. You don’t understand how he can just do this but you can’t. Then things start making sense. Maybe that is the reason he did it. Maybe there is something wrong with you…” Fernando doesn’t know what to say. He knows he’s gaping at Nico but he can’t seem to function his mouth. He didn’t expect that. He would have never been ready to hear what Nico has to say. Jenson and he seem so happy. But maybe that’s Nico’s point._

_“Jenson…?”_

_“It’s a slippery slope, Fernando. As someone at the bottom, take my advice. It’s not a fun slide.”_

_“But…”_

_“And these,” Nico gestured to the cigarette in his hand. “Do the world of good.”_

_“You win today.” Fernando points out. Nico laughs. It’s a horrible laugh. A defeated yet still finding some humor in the situation laugh. It claws at Fernando’s skin, making him feel horrible._

_“Yet the hotel room is still empty.”_

_Mark is lying on the bed, flicking idly through the channels when Fernando comes back in. He would normally openly wrinkle his nose at the smell but he sits up attentively, waiting for what Fernando is going to say._

_“Think we should meet with Jenson and Nico again.” The comment clearly catches Mark out._

_“You don’t like Jenson.”_

_“When I think you sleeping with him, no.” Fernando shrugs, his voice still bitter. Mark shakes his head._

_“Whoever put that idea in your head has lost it. Jenson and I are mates, that’s all.”_

_“A mate you went with to ask how to stop me finding out about you fucking-” Fernando can’t even say his name._

_“Mate-”_

_“-Not important.” Fernando says, holding up his hands to stop Mark talking. “So we meet with them?”_

_“Err… Sure. I’ll send Jenson a text. Get them to come to ours tomorrow?”_

_“Ok.” Fernando nods, moving through to the bathroom to get ready for bed - he notices as he passes that Mark has put his clothes away in his bag. He wants to meet up with Nico and Jenson because he wants to talk to Nico more. He wants to understand. And he feels like he’s finally found someone who knows what it feels like to have someone you love hurt you so bad._

Fernando remembers it all falling apart. He remembers the stories Nico told him. Why had his stuck around after that? Fernando still doesn’t understand. He never thinks he will.

“Get him some water, maybe?”

“Is some here.”

“Ok, Nano? Take a sip?”

“No…” Fernando pushes the bottle away, squinting his eyes tighter shut.

_Fernando opts for separate rooms in Germany. He can see how torn Mark is when he tells him he doesn’t want to share a room but right now none of it is Mark’s choice. Mark hurt him really badly and so he doesn’t get to call the shots anymore. If Fernando decides he wants his own room Mark has to deal with it. If Fernando decides he doesn’t actually forgive Mark anymore then Mark also has to deal with it._

_He’s been spending a lot of time with Nico, claiming to Mark they should meet up as a foursome just as they used to and then dragging Nico outside for a cigarette. He craves Nico’s words. He finds that Nico is the only person who can truly understand him. Nico knows what it feels like to have the person you love unconditionally hurt you in such a brutal way. How it makes him feel worthless, how it makes him feel unloved, how it makes him feel like it’s all his fault. Nico understands him. That’s why Fernando seeks him out. He’s even snuck out in the middle of the night to call Nico. He finally feels like he can talk to someone about this and they’re not going to tell him to give Mark another chance._

_From what Nico has told him, he’s not even sure anymore if he wants to give Mark another chance._

_Sitting in the bar, drinking his something-numbered beer (right now he’s drunk so much he can’t actually remember) he wonders if he’s heard too much. Nico has gone it to horrific detail about just how many people Jenson has slept with. Teammates, ex-teammates, people who have smiled at him, random people he’s met in clubs, friends, enemies, even some people just because he knew it would piss Nico off. Fernando can’t comprehend why Nico is still there, why he doesn’t just leave. But Nico had explained that he’s not strong enough to leave Jenson, however much he hurts him. Nico told him about the time he tried to kill himself. The time Jenson found him and had thought he had lost him forever. It had been an eye opener for the Brit. He hadn’t realised how much Nico was hurting. Jenson promised he would stop as long as Nico never left him. A promise, like so many others Jenson has made in the past, Nico is just waiting for Jenson to break if he hasn’t already._

_Fernando doesn’t want it to get to that. Fernando doesn’t want to be pushed to thinking ending his life could resolve it all. He can’t even begin to comprehend the state of mind Nico had to be in to think that was the answer. Fernando wishes he knew about what Jenson had done sooner. Maybe he could have helped, stopped Nico getting to the point where he felt dependent on Jenson even though all the Brit was doing was hurting him. It worries Fernando though because he can’t be sure Mark and Jenson have never had a thing together. Mark adamantly tells him nothing even happened but from what Nico has told him and what Lewis claimed he had seen Fernando really doesn’t know whom to believe. He feels so confused it hurts his head and he’s sure it’s affecting his driving. Andrea has said he seems a bit off but Fernando still won’t tell him exactly what happened between Mark and him. Andrea seems to think spending time with Mark and pretending everything is normal is only hurting him more. It’s just more words and more confusion from people not in his situation. All Nico keeps saying is he wishes he was strong enough to have walked away on the first instance._

_It doesn’t help, which is why Fernando has decided to drink himself under the table. Maybe he’ll go to Mark wasted and what he really wants will become clear. Or maybe he’ll do something he regrets… Taking another swing of his beer (the bitter taste having disappeared so long ago) he thinks that maybe going to see Mark is a bad idea._

_He feels so broken. He feels like someone has smashed him to pieces and stolen the last piece so he can’t fix himself. He doesn’t know what to do. He loves Mark but he can’t sit and watch him destroy him like Jenson has destroyed Nico. He won’t stand by and let Mark dance all over him and constantly expect forgiveness. Maybe if he doesn’t forgive him in the first place then he won’t have to do it again. Mark hurt him, so maybe he should hurt Mark. No… No that’s the drink talking. He won’t stoop to Mark’s level. He can’t do that to the man he loves. He drinks more from his bottle, staring at the table and trying to stop it swaying. This might have been a bad idea. The option of lying on his bed and staring pointlessly at the ceiling might have been the better option, even if it would have made him feel worse._

_He doesn’t even flinch when a hand lands softly on his shoulder._

_“Fernando?” Lewis says gently. Fernando shrugs his hand off his shoulder. He doesn’t want to talk to Lewis. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone but especially not Lewis. Lewis forced him to ask. This is all Lewis’ fault that he is confused and doesn’t know what to do._

_“Fuck. Off.” Fernando sighs, his voice as broken as his posture. Ignoring the Spaniard’s request Lewis falls into the empty seat beside him._

_“I just-”_

_“-Do not understand what fuck off mean?” Fernando glares, his grip intensifying around the bottle in his hand. Lewis swallows._

_“Look, I know you’re pissed off-”_

_“-Am pissed off at you!” Fernando snaps. He doesn’t really understand why he’s being so aggressive with Lewis but he’s so confused. Just another thing he doesn’t understand. Why can’t he just be left alone?_

_“What did I do…?” Lewis asks in a small voice. Fernando scoffs at him._

_“If you do not say anything…” Fernando starts. But his voice breaks. He’s vulnerable. Visibly. And he knows Lewis can see it in the sad look in the Brit’s eyes. Fernando drops his head, all the fight gone from within him as he’s forced to remember how he felt when Mark told him what he had done. He’s weak. “Does not matter…”_

_“So you would have preferred I hadn’t said and it happen again?” Lewis tries softly. The gasp ripped from Fernando reveals he’s crying. Lewis doesn’t understand. Lewis doesn’t know what he’s saying. Lewis still thinks it was Jenson and a one off. Lewis couldn’t be more wrong. The Brit wraps his arm around his shoulder, rubbing soothing circles into Fernando’s back. “It’s Ok to-”_

_“-Fuck off!” Fernando whines, pushing away from Lewis as he tries to dry his eyes. Lewis grabs his shoulders._

_“Fernando, I care about you. I don’t want to see you hurt.”_

_“If you did not want to see it you would not have said anything!” Fernando barks, getting to his feet. He automatically stumbles to the floor. Lewis dashes round to help him up immediately. “Fuck off…”_

_“Fernando, you’re drunk.” Lewis states, lifting the Spaniard to his feet._

_“Am not…”_

_“Come on.”_

_“Where we go now?” Fernando slurs a little as Lewis directs him to the lifts. The doors shutter closed before Lewis speaks again._

_“My room.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Because I’m assuming Mark is in yours?” Lewis watches Fernando closely as he slumps against the wall._

_“No… Have my own room…”_

_“Ok, then we’ll go there.”_

_“…Am still not happy with you.”_

_“Fernando, I did what I thought was right, Ok? I didn’t want to hurt you, that was never my intention, but surely not telling you would have hurt you more in the long run?” Fernando doesn’t answer; Lewis doesn’t know the full extent. No one but he does. Everyone knows something happened but only a select few know Mark even cheated. Just Lorena, Mark, Sebastian and he know who it was. Lorena doesn’t even know how many times it happened. Fernando can’t bring himself to admit just how much he missed. He slumps out of the lift when they get to his floor, moving towards his door. “Where’s the key?” Fernando places the plastic card in Lewis’ awaiting palm, still breathing deeply. “Take a seat, I’ll get you some water…”_

_“No…” Fernando sighs, dropping back onto the soft mattress. Lewis frowns at him._

_“Huh?”_

_“No water…” Fernando internally winches at the sympathetic look Lewis shots him. He doesn’t want Lewis here because he doesn’t understand. Why can’t he just fuck off?_

_“Come on, sit up now.” Lewis says, tucking an arm under Fernando’s body and trying to pull him up. Fernando simply arches his back, keeping his head firmly on the mattress as Lewis tries to pull him back to reality. He groans in complaint. “Don’t be a child, Fernando.”_

_“When are you going to fuck off?” Fernando spits, allowing Lewis to sit him up._

_“When your better.” Lewis states, pressing the glass of water to Fernando’s lips._

_“Great. So are never going…” Fernando mutters darkly. Still he keeps his lips resistant to Lewis’ attempts to sober him up. Lewis rolls his eyes._

_“You will be better, Fernando. It’s just shit right now.” Lewis tries tipping the water into Fernando’s mouth again but still the Spaniard refuses. It’s nit just shit right now. It’s always going to be shit. Mark has become someone else on a list of thousands who prefer that German twat to him. “Fernando, stop being an idiot.” Lewis exasperates._

_“Do not want.” Fernando protests, barely opening his lips. Lewis strikes back with extra determination. “Ahh!”_

_“Sorry!” Lewis winces as the water spills into Fernando’s lap, soaking into his jeans. Fernando just exasperates, hanging his head._

_“Leave now…” Fernando’s voice is quiet._

_“Not happening, man.”_

_“Have done enough, Lewis.” Fernando glares. Lewis bites his lip._

_“Look, I’m just trying to help you-!”_

_“-Do not want your help.” Fernando spits, getting wobbly to his feet and unceremoniously shoving his jeans to the floor. Fernando steps out of the denim, moving towards his bag with unstable feet._

_“Fernando!” It’s too late; the Spaniard has already fallen back to the floor._

_“Fuck…”_

_“Just drink the fucking water, man!”_

_“Why are you so determined to make me remember the shit that is my life, Lewis?” Fernando glares from the floor as Lewis tries, again, to drag him up._

_“Because your life isn’t shit, Fernando… Just this little bit is…” An awkward silence filters into the room as Lewis gets Fernando sat back on the bed. But Fernando is frowning at him. Frowning at something that suddenly seems to make sense. Something Mark had been going on and on about for so long but Fernando had been persistent was rubbish. He watches as Lewis drags a pair of joggers up his legs that the Brit is unaware belongs to Mark._

_“Am still wet…” Fernando points out, still frowning at Lewis. Lewis blushes brighter._

_“Right… Yeah, sorry, man….” Fernando slowly blinks at him, trying to get into the Brit’s head. The trousers are discarded, again, onto the floor. “If you want to…” Lewis stammers, pointing at Fernando’s damp boxers. Fernando just sighs, falling back on the bed._

_“Am fine…”_

_“Fernando… Come on, it’s not so bad…” Lewis tries, crawling on the bed beside Fernando. Fresh tears are running down the Spaniard’s face._

_“No, is. Is really that bad.”_

_“You’ve got so much more in your life, Fernando… Forget him. He doesn’t deserve you…”_

_“Do not get it…” Fernando sniffs, rolling onto his side. Lewis instinctively wraps his arms around Fernando, pulling him close to his chest. He buries his nose in the Spaniard’s hair, making Fernando automatically think of Mark._

_“Then explain…. Let me help take away your pain… A burden shared is a burden halved, man… My dad used to tell me that…” Fernando’s eyes are wide and calculating, trying to understand the meaning behind the soft hand pressed into his navel, the one that sneaked under his shirt. Mark couldn’t be right… Could he? Fernando looks over his shoulder at Lewis, their noses inches apart. The air in the room seems to have thickened, Lewis’ breath breaching his lips in an uneven pattern. Fernando can feel the heat off Lewis’ skin; see the deep dilation of his pupils._

_Before he knows it Fernando has rolled onto his back, pulling Lewis’ lips to his. It’s strange, and for a moment Fernando feels like he’s floating. Lewis seems caught out, simply letting Fernando press their lips together softly. In the haze of his drunken mind Fernando pulls Lewis on top of him, trying to force a reaction from the younger man. He doesn’t really know why but he needs this. He needs Lewis to react to him, yearn for his touch. He needs to feel like he is wanted, he needs to believe Mark’s actions were unjustified._

_Lewis pushes himself up off Fernando as the Spaniard raises his hips._

_“Stop it.” Lewis says, his fingers shakily brushing through Fernando’s hair. Fernando reaches for Lewis’ hips but the Brit shakes his head, climbing off him. “You’re better than him, Ferri. I won’t let you stoop to his level.” Fernando sits up, a feeling of hurt and rejection and anger swirling through him. He needs to feel wanted. Hadn’t Lewis just been acting like he wanted him? “Here…” Lewis tries again with the water but Fernando knocks it from his hand, sending the glass smashing across the room as his heart beat pulses in his ear._

_“Do not want any fucking water!” Fernando rages, glaring at Lewis. Lewis moves towards him but Fernando shoves him back on the bed._

_“You’re angry and upset-”_

_“-Have no idea what am going through!” Fernando snarls, grabbing Mark’s discarded joggers off the floor and pulling them up his legs. He opens the hotel door. “Get out.”_

_“I’m not leaving you like this, man. No way.” Lewis sits defiantly on the bed. Fernando is on top of him in three steps, hands tight in his shirt._

_“Get out!” He screams, trying to drag Lewis from the room. On his drunken feet he finds himself falling onto the floor, bringing Lewis with him. “Why can you not just leave me alone!” Fernando bites in a frustrated manner, trying to wriggle out from underneath Lewis. But Lewis holds him still, trying to calm him down._

_“Are you staying with Mark?” Lewis asks, freezing Fernando’s escape attempt. Fernando’s jaw locks tightly._

_“Is the only reason you are here? To get the latest fucking gossip!” Lewis shakes his head, still soothingly brushing his fingers over Fernando’s face. Fernando would stop him but he likes it. He likes how it makes him feel._

_“Fernando he’s no good for you. You know what he did. He’ll do it again and again and again.” Lewis almost begs, as if trying to make Fernando see sense. He wants to tell the Brit he is wrong but he can’t. How can he when it’s one of the things that keeps him awake at night? “Has he said it was a one off? A mistake? That he’ll never do it again? He’s lying to you! He’ll hurt you! He already has!”_

_“He loves me…” Fernando chokes, unable to stop the tears pouring down his face. He doesn’t want Lewis’ words because they might actually be true. And if they are… Fernando still doesn’t understand how Nico lives every day knowing Jenson could be off with anyone whilst he just sits at home._

_“But it’s not just him, Fernando.” Lewis blurts out, causing Fernando to frown at him. Lewis acts like he’s just realised what he’s said and he shakes his head. “Oh, shit, no, I really shouldn’t tell you.”_

_“Should not tell me what?” Fernando asks. The room sways again as Fernando follows Lewis to his feet. He grips the desk for support._

_“No… It’s not my place.”_

_“Lewis-”_

_“I don’t want you to hurt anymore, Fernando.”_

_“Tell me!” Fernando demands, feeling bile already racing up his throat. Last time Lewis told him something he had found out the truth was worse. Lewis shakes his head but Fernando stumbles towards him, his legs giving out as he falls to his knees in front of the Brit, his hands tightly in his shirt. “Lewis please…” He can’t take this anymore. He can’t live constantly looking over his shoulder, always in doubt. Suddenly Nico’s actions make perfect sense. Lewis exhales deeply above him, his fingers finding Fernando’s hair._

_“It’s Jenson.” Fernando can’t process his words; they don’t make sense._

_“What?”_

_“Jenson again…. He says he’s going to leave Nico for Mark… He wants to take Mark from you…”_

_“No…” That doesn’t make sense. Jenson and Mark haven’t done anything… Have they?_

_“He’s got his own room-”_

_“-I want separate rooms.” Fernando interrupts. Lewis crouches down in front of him, holding his face in his hands._

_“But he didn’t fight you on it, did he? Because he wanted separate rooms too…” Fernando grips tightly to Lewis. This can’t be happening again. No, Mark promised he wouldn’t do this. Fernando feels sick. First Sebastian and now… No, he can’t just take Lewis’ word for this. Lewis was wrong before. Not by much but still wrong. He needs to ask someone he trusts. “I stopped you because I know it’s wrong. But… But Jenson won’t stop him. If you knew what he’d done to Nico…” Fernando tries to swallow but his throat is too tight. He knows what Jenson has done to Nico._

_“Leave…” Fernando breathes, his fingers slipping from Lewis. Lewis holds him tighter._

_“No, not with you like-”_

_“-Need to be alone. Need you to go.”_

_“Fernando-”_

_“-Please…”_

_“Let me call someone else. Let me get Andrea here or-”_

_“-Have someone I need to call.” Fernando climbs back to his feet, holding onto the bed for dear life. He’s not sure if it’s just the drink making the room sway anymore or if there is suddenly a new contributing factor._

_“Let me stay until they get-”_

_“-Just go.” Fernando grits, turning his back to Lewis. “Have done enough.” He’s slightly shocked when he hears the door close. Checking around the room he sees that Lewis has, in fact, left. He sinks onto the edge of the bed, his hands shaking as he tries to function his phone with nausea creeping up his throat._

_“Fernando?”_

_“Nico…” The tears burst in Fernando’s eyes. What if this is right? What if this is really happening? No, it can’t be. Mark promised he wouldn’t do that._

_“Hey, what’s wrong?” He sniffles openly, knowing he’s got nothing to hide from Nico. “I’m coming to you-”_

_“-No. Do not.” Fernando tries, but he chokes on his tears._

_“No way. I’m coming to you right now-”_

_“-Is Jenson there?” Fernando gasps, hanging onto the last thread of hope he has. There is silence for a moment._

_“No. He left about an hour ago. Said he was going for a drink with his mechanics.” Fernando doesn’t know what to do or feel. He feels like it’s all happening again but this time he knows about it. Maybe he should call Mark… But if he does what if Mark just lies? He doesn’t have the energy to go and see him and this all just seems like enough evidence. Fernando feels lost and confused and he doesn’t know what to do. “Fernando?”_

_“Yes… Thank you…” Fernando mutters, dropping the phone from his ear and hanging up before Nico can ask any more questions. Would Mark really do this to him again? He has done it enough times before with a stupid fucking excuse._

_Why couldn’t he do it again?_

_Mark is too eager to please him. Fernando picks up on it instantly. He just sees it as guilt. It makes him more certain that Mark has cheated on him again. It makes him feel less bad that after these three days with Mark for his birthday he’s planning on working out whether he wants to be with Mark anymore. Nico has told him that when Jenson got back from his ‘drink with his mechanics’ in Germany he didn’t say much. He was quiet. Just like he had been every time he cheated before. It is too much evidence for Fernando._

_He knows he can’t live like this, checking up on Mark behind his back._

_He’s wearing a brave face for these few days with Mark because he doesn’t want the frosty looks and the snide comments. He just wants a break from Lewis and Nico telling him to walk away whilst Andrea and Lorena tell him to wait it out and give Mark a second chance. None of them know what it’s like living like this. None of them but Nico. Right now Fernando isn’t sure if Nico is just pushing him to do what he could never do himself. He doesn’t like the pressure that puts on him._

_Mark, clearly, thinks everything is normal, that everything is back on track. It’s not, but for some reason Fernando doesn’t have the heart to tell him that. He just lets Mark carry on, pretending it is fine. Fernando is not stupid enough to fall for the trick himself though; he knows this isn’t working anymore. He can’t live like this, he just can’t. Right now he doesn’t know what to do about it though._

_Unknown to Mark, Fernando is going to use the summer break as a trial separation. He’ll see how much he likes living without Mark for a few weeks without anyone else’s opinion but his own. Then he will know how he feels about everything. Then he will be able to make a clear and justified decision._

_Mark kisses him passionately as he leaves on the Thursday morning after his birthday, promising he’ll call and text as much as Fernando wants him too. Fernando really wants to say don’t bother but Mark will only then ask why. He’s not told Mark he’s turning the phone off for a week. There is a lot he hasn’t told Mark._

_“I love you.” Mark sighs, his forehead resting against Fernando’s. Fernando just nods._

_“You too…” He can’t bring himself to say it. Not when he’s sure he’s going to tear them apart in four weeks time. He waits for Mark’s car to completely disappear before he closes the door, sliding down it until he sat on the floor. It’s odd not having the dogs around anymore; Mark took them back to England just before the British Grand Prix when Fernando effectively kicked him out. The dogs were serving as too much of a reminder to Fernando and he couldn’t take it anymore._

_But right now he just needed to breathe, clear his head, and make sure he makes the right decision._

_Lewis turns up unannounced two weeks before he’s due to fly to Belgium. Fernando is eternally grateful, pulling the Brit into a tight embrace. He’s realised he can’t do this alone but he can’t do this with Mark. He needs someone around to pick him up and put him back together again. And maybe that person can be Lewis._

_Nico comes to say with them for four days, then the three of them plan to fly out to Belgium together. They tell Nico they are in a relationship. Nico is thrilled when Fernando says he’s going to leave Mark. He deliberately misses all of Lorena’s calls, not wanting to hear her tell him to give Mark another chance. His listens to the voicemails alone that night, hearing that Mark has gone to Lorena’s worried because Fernando isn’t answering the phone to him. Fernando calls back telling Lorena not to let Mark anywhere near the house. He doesn’t want to pop the serine bubble he’s created with Nico and Lewis. For the first time in what feels like a long time Fernando actually feel happy. Or at least content. He doesn’t want anyone ruining that._

_Lewis convinces him a divorce is better than a separation. Fernando can’t find a reason to disagree with him, even though somehow it feels wrong. Lewis promises they won’t do anything together until Mark and he are divorced which is a small comfort. But still something doesn’t sit right with Fernando, even though he gets a lawyer to draw up the appropriate papers._

_“Hi.” Mark beams, pulling Fernando into the hotel room and wrapping him tight in his embrace. Fernando lets him wrap his arms around him, feeling worse and worse the longer Mark holds him. “I’ve missed you.”_

_“Yes… Sorry…”_

_“No, don’t worry about it.” Mark breathes him in, still not letting him go. “I understand.”_

_Mark couldn’t understand. He never would. Fernando is sure about that._

_“Where is your bag?” Mark frowns after having let Fernando go. Fernando doesn’t say anything, dropping his rucksack off his back and unzipping it. He just has to do this fast before Mark says too much and makes him confused again. He knows what he wants. Lewis and he have talked about it enough. He closes his eyes with his back to Mark taking a deep breath. He’s really got to tell the Australian about that too. “Fernando?”_

_“Have my own room.” Fernando says, still not facing Mark._

_“Oh…” He can hear the disappointment in Mark’s voice. He grips the envelope tighter dropping his bag to the floor. “I thought the plan was we were going to share a room.”_

_“The plan… Has changed…” This suddenly doesn’t seem as easy as it could have been. Fernando is very away that Mark is now not going to take this well._

_“You’re tone is worrying me, mate.” Mark admits. Fernando feels him stepping towards him. “What… What’s that?” Fernando turns to face Mark, the Australian’s eyes locked on the envelope in his hands. “Fernando?” There is only fear in Mark’s voice. It makes Fernando feel worse._

_“Cannot…” Fernando starts but Mark is shaking his head. It forces him to stop, the lump in his throat getting bigger. “Mark…”_

_“No, Fernando. Don’t do this.” Mark begs, pulling Fernando into his arms and kissing him. Fernando tries to push him back but his arms aren’t cooperating. “You don’t want this…”_

_“Do, Mark. Cannot live with you after what you did. Do not trust you anymore.”_

_“Fernando.” Mark whimpers, his fingers tangling into Fernando’s hair as he holds Fernando’s forehead against his. The Spaniard can see his words are like knives in Mark. How could he ever think this would be easy? “I love you.”_

_“You hurt me.” Fernando responds, blinking away his tears. He tries again to push from Mark’s hold. “Cannot live with this hurt, Mark.”_

_“It was a mistake. You forgave me!”_

_“Cannot forgive you anymore… Can not keep pretending we are fine when we are not.”_

_“This isn’t happening. You don’t want this. I don’t believe it. Something else is going on. Not this. You don’t want this.” Mark protests, still holding Fernando close. He takes the envelope out of Fernando’s hands, dropping it on the desk as he brings Fernando even closer to him. “You love me.”_

_“It hurts too much, Mark…”_

_“I’ll never hurt you again. Never. I promise. I haven’t… I haven’t done anything since Malaysia, mate. I told you. I told you why it was best I stopped…” Fernando can feel Mark’s tears on his cheek but his words have snapped him from this trance. He’s certain that Mark is lying to him; he’s sure he’s been with Jenson since that last time. And who knows if he’s been with Sebastian again. Fernando just doesn’t know and he doesn’t trust Mark and his lies. He forces Mark to let go of him, drying his eyes as he pulls out the paperwork. “NO!” Mark lifts Fernando away from the desk, scattering the paper across the room._

_“Mark! Let me go!”_

_“You don’t want this!” Mark sobs into his back, not letting his hold loosen even though Fernando’s feet are back on the ground. Fernando tries again to fight him but it’s a vice-like grip._

_“Mark I do! Wanted a separation anyway but Lewis says a divorce is better and is right! Why are we pretending? Am not happy with you anymore!” Fernando manages to push out of Mark’s hold, barely realising it had gone slack. He gathers up the scattered papers, putting them back in order on the desk._

_“I’m sorry?” Mark’s voice is confused and angry. Fernando just wants this over with now._

_“Am not happy with you anymore…”_

_“Lewis wants this divorce?” It’s now Fernando’s turn to frown, confused at Mark. “When the fuck have you been talking to Lewis?” This isn’t how Fernando wanted to tell Mark but he guesses this is how it’s happening now whether he likes it or not._

_“He comes…”_

_“Is that why you haven’t been answering your phone!” Mark rages. Fernando instinctively takes a step away from him, bumping into the desk._

_“Wanted to try being apart from you, Mark-”_

_“-And he shows up when you’re vulnerable and manipulates you into this? Very fucking clever of him.” Mark paces angrily in front of him._

_“Mark-”_

_“-Are you fucking him?” Mark suddenly accuses, stopping mid step. “Or is he waiting until we separated like a ‘good person’” The sarcasm is thick on Mark’s voice. Fernando folds his arms._

_“Am not fucking him. Am not you.”_

_“Low, but I guess I deserved that.” Mark bites, looking deep into Fernando’s eyes. “But you are aren’t you? You’re in a fucking relationship with him.”_

_“Have not cheated on you, Mark.”_

_“You pretty much have, mate. This makes us fucking square.”_

_“Not at all.” Fernando grits, closing the gap between Mark and him. “When I fuck him every time I have a shit race for four years then we are fucking even. Am not as despicable as you, Mark.”_

_“But you’re on the right fucking track.” Mark barks. Fernando’s palm burns across his cheek._

_“Am nothing like you!”_

_“Could have had me fooled.” Mark shoots, rubbing his stinging skin._

_“Just sign the fucking papers and then I never have to see you again.” Fernando growls, holding a pen out to Mark. Mark takes it from him, throwing it across the room._

_“This isn’t what you want. It’s what he wants. What Lewis wants. Fernando, don’t do this.” Mark states hotly. Fernando scoffs at him. “You think about why you originally just wanted a separation. You still fucking love me!”_

_“Not as much as-” Fernando bites his tongue but it’s clear he’s already said too much. Mark’s eyes look like they’re about to pop out of their sockets._

_“Four weeks is all it takes, huh?” Mark snarls aggressively._

_“Apparently one bad race will do.” Fernando fires back. Mark shakes his head at him._

_“This isn’t fair.”_

_“Is not fair you cheat, Mark! Is not fair how you make me feels so worthless! Is not fair how you make me feel like this is all my fault! Life is not fair.” Fernando grabs another pen, holding it out to Mark. “Sign.”_

_“Please, lets just talk about this.” Mark begs, his anger fading as his desperation takes over. “You need to calm down-”_

_“-Do not have to do anything, Mark.”_

_“You’re being rash!”_

_“Is what is best for us.”_

_“No, not this… This is what’s best for him and you!” Mark yells, lobbing the second pen across the room. Fernando shakes his head at him, anger pulsing through his body._

_“Why do you even care so much? Is clear would prefer fucking Sebastian!”_

_“I’ve explained that to you!” Mark shouts, stamping his foot. “I can’t keep repeating myself, mate. I’ve said all I have to say on the matter and you fucking forgave me!”_

_“You are retiring anyway.” Fernando snaps, moving across the room to retrieve one of the pens. Mark grabs his forearm tightly._

_“You fucking told me to!”_

_“I suggested this was best for you, if you wanted to keep racing you should have.” Fernando snakes, shrugging Mark off._

_“So that’s it? We’re just giving up?” Mark seethes in disbelief. Fernando slams the pen down on top of the divorce papers._

_“No, am moving on.”_

_“And just leaving me behind?” Fernando forces himself to ignore the pain in Mark’s voice. It’s an act. Just like Lewis and Nico explained. It’s an act to try and make him stay. Nico said Jenson used the same tricks; trying to make him feel guilty. “You don’t want this. He’s pushed you into this.”_

_“Do, Mark. Was my decision.” Fernando lies. He just wants this over with now. He just wants Mark to sign so he can move on with his life and forget about this pain and hurt. Mark jaw locks as he glares at Fernando clearly having seen through the lie._

_“Good luck completing it without my help.” Mark mutters, his voice stiff with anger. Fernando holds up the pen again._

_“You will have to sign-” Fernando stumbles sideways as Mark pushes him out of the way. He’s confused until he sees Mark pick up the divorce papers, tearing the pile of papers in half, then half again and once more before throwing them all in the air, letting them scatter, ruined, around him._

_“I refuse to sign anything.”_

_“Lewis-?”_

_“I don’t care. You need a happy night. He’s trying to ruin your fucking night he will not ruin your race as well.” Lewis has a tight grip on Fernando’s hand as he drags him through the hotel, his bottle of champagne from the podium in his other hand._

_“Do not-”_

_“-He will not ruin this for us, Fernando. We’ll get legal help, OK? I won’t see you married to that wanker any longer.” Lewis announces, opening the door to his room and depositing Fernando on the bed, pushing the champagne into his hands. They’re both already drunk. Fernando brings the brim to his lips, taking four long mouthfuls as Lewis turns around with two glasses in his hands. The Brit blinks at him before putting the glasses back down on the desk, falling next to the Spaniard. “Share.” Lewis smiles, taking the champagne from Fernando’s hands. Fernando looks at his left hand where his wedding ring still sits, shining slightly in the light. He shakes his head. Lewis is right; Mark is a wanker. And if Mark can cheat on him and then refuse to sign the divorce papers then fuck him. “Ferri?” Lewis hiccups as Fernando gets to his feet._

_“Am not married anymore.” Fernando declared, sliding off his ring and dropping it in the bin. Lewis cheers loudly clapping his hands._

_“Definitely deserves celebration!” Lewis beams, holding the champagne back out to Fernando. Fernando takes it from him, taking more long mouthfuls and nearly draining the bottle empty before setting it on the side table and crawling on top of Lewis. He presses their lips together messily, his head feeling light from the champagne as Lewis wraps his arms around his neck. “You say not until am not married…” Fernando reminds, his fingers sliding under Lewis’ shirt. Lewis nods, biting his lip seductively._

_“Just said you’re not married.”_

_“Exactly.” Fernando agrees, bringing his hand back from under Lewis’ shirt and unfastening his trousers._

_In the morning Fernando staggers over to the bin, feeling crap and about to throw up. He just about manages to stop himself as the glint of gold catches his eye. He picks it up, not understand for a moment but it suddenly hits him. He suddenly realises what he has done. Pushing the ring into his pocket he vomits harshly, feeling even worse now he fully remembers what he’s done. He’s cheated. Now he’s just as bad as Mark._

Turkey, 2010. Hungary, 2010. Japan, 2010. Korea, 2010. Britain, 2011. Singapore, 2012. Abu Dhabi, 2012. Malaysia, 2013. Fernando remembers Mark telling him of every incident with Sebastian. It makes his stomach twists as he remembers them all again, recalls exactly what he was doing whilst Mark was off cheating on him. He feels sick and his throat is dry. He kind of just wants this all to stop now.

“Head…” Fernando moans as he head throbs painfully. Someone moves his hand, placing something cool across his forehead.

“It’s alright. You’re Ok.”

“Am call the doctor-”

“-No!” Fernando protests, pressing the flannel tighter to his forehead. “Am ok…”

_“Yes. As has been made by Fernando’s statement we are going into divorce proceedings. But that’s not really what I’m here to talk about.” Mark looks tired and fed up as Fernando watches him conduct his interviews after the race. They’re on repeat in the hotel and Fernando can’t help but be drawn to his exhausted face. “Third here in Monza is decent for us. It’s nice to get a good result finally again for the team.”_

_“But sharing the podium with Fernando must have been hard?”_

_“I’m just here to race, mate. He’s here to do the same. Anything outside of the paddock stays out of the paddock. We’ve always been keen on that.”_

_“But seeing him with Lewis now, mere weeks after you announced your separation-?”_

_“-Fernando is doing his own thing. He might be more open to answering them for you. I’m not talking about it. I keep my life out of the paddock.”_

_“Fernando? Have you seen my toothbrush?” Lewis calls from the bathroom. Fernando ignores him._

_“If you’re going into divorce proceedings does this mean you’ve not yet separated?” Another reporter asks. Fernando can’t help but feel bad for Mark._

_“We’ve separated. We’re not together anymore. As far as I’m aware he is now in a relationship with Lewis. I really don’t know anymore. Can we talk about the race again now please?”_

_“Do you want this divorce?” Mark openly rolls his eyes before fixing them on the camera. Fernando’s breath catches as if Mark has caught him in the act._

_“I don’t think I need to answer that question, mate.”_

_“Fernando, what-?” There is a small pause where Fernando is still fixated on the screen as Mark walks away from the camera and the Italian presenters appear again. “What are you doing?” Lewis bites, turning off the television and standing in front of Fernando with his arms folded. Fernando just shakes his head._

_“What am I doing?” Fernando mutters, dropping his head in his hands. “Am just hurting everyone.”_

_“Fernando, he’s playing games with you! He’s trying to make you feel bad! Just like when he tried to make out this was all your fault!”_

_“Is all my fault…” Fernando mutters, feeling ten times worse. Lewis grabs his shoulders, sitting him up so he’s looking at him._

_“See? He keeps doing this! Why can’t you see?”_

_“He is hurting. Will not see him hurt like this when is my fault.” Fernando shoots, getting to his feet and pacing out onto the balcony. Lewis is by his side by time he has his cigarette lit._

_“You won’t see? What do you mean you won’t see?”_

_“Cannot keep hurting him like this…”_

_“But it’s fine for him to hurt you?” Lewis snarls. Fernando drops his head._

_“Lewis-”_

_“-No, Ferri. You listen to me now. He’s trying to manipulate you! He’s trying to make you do this! He doesn’t want this divorce because he wants to parade you to the world and show them all how he’s got you hooked. Don’t turn out like Nico, Ferri.” Lewis pulls him into a hug, squeezing him tightly. His hugs are nowhere near as comforting as Mark’s used to be. “I won’t let him hurt you. We just have to keep pushing for this divorce.” Fernando knows Lewis is right; once the divorce is complete and Mark retires they’ll all go their separate ways and it will get easier. It’s just now it’s hard, and he no longer feels sure that he’s leaning on the right shoulder…_

_He can see Mark’s car at the side of the track. At that point he’s not thinking about how the public will take this. He’s not thinking about anything. He’s thinking about getting Mark back to the pits after he has had to retire yet again. Mark is having such shit luck at the moment it’s starting to hurt Fernando personally. All he can think is he’s doing nothing to help, trying to push the divorce down his throat. Or at least Lewis is. He’s been to Mark’s room at least four times already this weekend trying to demand the Australian signs the papers. It’s always the same; still no signature sits below Fernando’s. Fernando is starting to doubt his own choice in signing them. He’s not sure if he even wants this anymore or if it’s just Lewis he’s doing it for; trying to keep the Brit happy. A happy Lewis is much easier to cope with than a bitchy one. Fernando just feels so confused and right now Lewis seems to be trying to set everything straight._

_He stops for Mark, unable to stop smiling as the Australian pats the top of his helmet._

_He hasn’t been this close to Mark in ages. He wants to wrap his arms around him and tell him everything will be OK. But he can’t do that. That privilege was taken away in Belgium when he tried to get Mark to divorce him. But having him so close stirs that need in his body to be close to Mark. He doesn’t understand it. He’s never felt like this before. He moves his hand off the steering wheel for a moment, trying to straighten the nomex of his race suit that has shifted after Mark put his foot on his knee. It’s an accident when Mark’s foot slips between his legs. Fernando’s head fuzzes as he tries to focus on the racetrack and not on Mark’s foot. He goes slightly wide, trying to pick up some marbles but catching the kerb, sending a vibration through the car. The soft moan slips from his lips before he can stop it, his hips moving forwards until his rubbing himself lightly against Mark’s leg._

_It’s only for a moment but it’s enough. It’s enough for Mark to know what he’s done. It’s enough for his body to be craving more. Mark doesn’t move his foot, leaves it there as if testing Fernando, wondering if he will do it again. But he can’t. Fernando focuses on what Andrea is saying to him. Something about being called to the steward’s office after the podium. Fernando doesn’t care though; he’s got enough of a mess to sort out for himself before he gets out of the car._

_Pulling up in Parc Ferme Fernando let Mark climb out first. He reaches back into the cockpit, taking Fernando’s hand in what will be seen as thanks to everyone else. But he sees Mark’s eyes behind the visor. He sees that look and he knows it because he’s seen it there before. Mark definitely caught him, but the almost happiness in the Australian’s eyes that Fernando hasn’t seen for what feels like an age makes him want to follow Mark and continue what they had started._

_“That’s so typical of him, trying to sabotage you.” Lewis rants, pacing in front of Fernando. Fernando shrugs, starred out on the bed; his head thinking of Mark and that moment in the car he wishes had been longer._

_“Just get a reprimand. He is the one with the penalty.” Fernando decides to leave out just how unfair he thinks this all is. He doesn’t want yet another lecture from Lewis about fair._

_“You shouldn’t have got anything! You shouldn’t have even stopped!”_

_“Needed a lift.” Fernando justifies, still staring at the ceiling with a wisp of a smile on his face._

_“That’s what the track marshals are there for, Fernando! He could have ruined your entire race!”_

_“Have done this in the past.” Fernando brushes Lewis’ comment away, his mind spinning back to Germany, 2011, when Mark had given him a lift back to the pits. It wasn’t anything unusual._

_“It’s not your job to pick him up.”_

_“Why are you so annoyed about this? Still keep my second. Does not affect either of our races. Was nice for the fans.”_

_“You’re divorcing him, Fernando! Not supposed to be buddying him in the car!”_

_“Keep our private life away from the paddock…”_

_“Dear fucking god you even sound like him now.”_

_“Why is this a problem?”_

_“He’s still trying to manipulate you, Fernando!” Fernando laughs openly at Lewis, dropping his head back against the pillow._

_“Are wrong.”_

_“I’m not wrong! You’re clouding your vision with his opinion! I’m on the outside. I can see what he’s doing._

_Mark did this to you. He’s the reason for all your pain. I won’t let him hurt you again. I love you. He never did.” Fernando frowns at Lewis, not following his string of comments._

_“Am getting the divorce, Lewis. Am trying to.”_

_“Maybe you should take the papers to him. He might see it from you that you’re done with him.” Fernando wants to wrinkle his nose. He doesn’t want to be done with Mark. He knows he’s upset with him and, sure, he understands being together isn’t going to work anymore. But kicking him out of his life forever? Fernando doesn’t like the sound of that anymore._

_“Am not taking them. Not now.” Fernando says, sitting up. “Is not important enough tonight. Has had a bad race, let him have one night without us attacking him.”_

_“What is wrong with you? Since when did you care about him?”_

_“Do not…” Fernando is sure he’s lying. He’s just not sure if Lewis sees that or not._

_“Once this is all over with… We’ll do this properly.” Lewis promises, taking a seat beside Fernando and clutching his hand in his. Fernando frowns at him._

_“Properly?”_

_“We don’t ever have to see him again. He’ll go his way and we’ll go ours. We’ll get married and have kids and forget the fucker even exists.” Lewis smiles softly. A stone drops in Fernando’s stomach._

_“Are getting married?” Fernando isn’t sure he really wants to do all that marriage stuff again. It has been too much stress with Mark. And it’s ripped them apart. He doesn’t think he can go through all that again._

_“I’d like to.” Lewis smiles, his fingers absent-mindedly picking up the ring hanging around Fernando’s neck on the chain. “I’ve always thought how wonderful it would be to be married to you.”_

_“Married…” Fernando is in shock. Though he is starting to understand why Lewis is so adamant about this divorce._

_“You want to be married too.” Lewis nods, cupping Fernando’s cheek. “Happy, knowing I would never hurt you, content, blissful in life. Your parents love me. And we’d never have to worry about Mark again because he wouldn’t be a problem. You and I will do marriage right, not half-arse it like Mark did.”_

_“Are you proposing to me?” Fernando feels his fingers slipping on the conversation and he doesn’t know what to do. He can’t think straight about anything. Lewis lets out a small laugh._

_“I guess I am.” He grins, caressing Fernando’s cheek softly. Fernando focuses on breathing normally. But Lewis is sliding onto the floor in front of him. He’s really doing this. “I’ve always loved you, I guess. I was just too young to understand when I met you. But together we’ve realised we love each other and we don’t need anyone else to be happy. I love you and you love me and we’ll never do anything to hurt each other. I can promise you that.” Lewis sets a kiss to the back of Fernando’s hand, looking up at him. “Will you marry me?” Fernando’s head spins; he doesn’t know what to say. Mere moments ago he was fantasizing about Mark but hasn’t Lewis made plenty of valid points? Maybe Mark is just playing a game with him. Maybe Lewis is right…_

_“Ok.” Fernando answers, his head still a tangle of thoughts. But that doesn’t matter as Lewis pulls their lips together, kissing Fernando like his life depends on it. They’re engaged._

_Fernando is sure he should be happy about that._

_“You have done what?” Lorena drops the bowl in her hands, letting it crash to the floor. Fernando winces as it smashes, shattering everywhere. He had not been expecting that._

_“Lorena-” Fernando tries but it’s no use._

_“-You are marrying Lewis?”_

_“Do not understand.”_

_“Understand perfectly.” Lorena rages, moving towards Fernando with one hand on her swollen stomach. “Are not even giving Mark a chance!”_

_“Am sorry?” Fernando sends back, feeling confused. Since when does Lorena defend Mark?_

_“He is trying to fix this and all you do it throw a divorce in his face. And are only doing that so you can marry Lewis!”_

_“He cheats on me, Lorena? Or do you forget that?” Fernando spits, getting to his feet. Lorena shakes her head at him._

_“Are not even letting him try!”_

_“Since when do you care about Mark?”_

_“Mark has been more helpful with this child than you, Fernando!” She hollers. Fernando gapes at her._

_“Have been getting Mark’s help?”_

_“Considering have not been able to talk to you since Lewis comes into your life.”_

_“So decide that them man who hurts me most is the best person to help you with your unborn child!”_

_“Where do you think Tila is now?” Lorena spits, folding her arms. Fernando can’t believe this is happening. His sister, who said she would always have his back, is turning against him. Trying to help the man he can never trust. Fernando wants to scream at her, shake some sense into her. This is ludicrous. Fernando is suddenly desperate for Lewis to hold him, just so he doesn’t feel so alone._

_“Cannot believe you would do this to me…”_

_“You abandon me!”_

_“You are siding with Mark… Suppose he tells you all about what happens and suppose you agree with him. Maybe you think he is right to cheat-!”_

_“-Do not think that was right, Fernando. But I see how hard he is trying and you keep forcing this divorce at him!”_

_“Do not love him anymore! Should not stay married to someone I do not love.”_

_“Those are not your words.” Lorena scoffs, glaring at Fernando. Fernando wants to tell her she’s wrong but he can’t. “Mark is good for you. Lewis is a monster-”_

_“-How dare you say this to me! Are honestly telling me to leave the man who loves me and cherishes me for someone who is happy to cheat on me?”_

_“You do not understand the circumstance, Fernando. He cheats so he does not hurt you-”_

_“-CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT I AM HEARING!” Fernando hollers, advancing on Lorena. She stands her ground. “You are actually siding with Mark! You are actually against me!”_

_“I see what Lewis does to you, Fernando and is not good! Am looking out for your best interests.” Lorena begs softly, touching Fernando’s shoulder. Fernando pushes her off him, slightly too hard, sending her back into the opposite wall._

_“Mama and Papa were right to abandon you. Are fucking messed up.” Fernando snakes, looking down at his sister with a despicable expression. Lorena’s eyes fill with tears._

_“Do not mean that.” She states, her bottom lip wobbling. Fernando’s jaw locks._

_“Are a mess. Are already ruining one child’s life. How the fuck do you think you will be better with this one?” He sneers, gesturing to her stomach. “Will just go out and get pregnant again! Are so stupid cannot even work out how to use contraception! How are you going to raise children when the house is full of them, huh? Full of rioting children with no control. Mark will not help you forever. Will get too real and he will abandon you too.”_

_“You know nothing about Mark.” Lorena gasps, trying to stop the tears. Fernando laughs bitterly at her._

_“I know much more than you will even know. And if he is helping you to raise your children is no hope for any of them.”_

_“Get the fuck out of my house.” Lorena grits, pushing back to her feet. Fernando continues to laugh that bitter sound that makes Lorena want to punch him in the face._

_“Cannot handle the truth, Lorena. Already have one kid with no father!”_

_“I said GET OUT!” She screams, grabbing the collar of Fernando’s shirt and trying to drag him out. But with her being pregnant he easily overpowers her. He pushes her against the wall, his eyes dark._

_“Stay away from me. From us.” Fernando snarls. “Will not have you ruining what we have.”_

_“You will do well to do the same!” Lorena bites, shoving Fernando off her. Fernando gets up off the floor, brushing himself down._

_“Fuck you, Lorena.”_

_“I will take pleasure I watching you ruin your life, Fernando. Was the best thing you ever had!” Lorena hollers after Fernando as he pulls on his jacket, opening the front door._

_“Will not stand here and listen to you worship him. Is she his?” Fernando snaps, acid dripping from his words. He can’t believe Lorena is standing there and defending Mark. After everything that has happened. He feels so betrayed._

_“What a ridiculous thing to say! Of course you are accusing me of sleeping with my brother-in-law!”_

_“Would not surprise me…” Fernando shrugs. He watches the rage filter onto Lorena’s face._

_“GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!” She screams, shoving on his shoulders until he’s out the door. Fernando doesn’t even put up a fight._

_“Fine by me!”_

_“Cannot believe you would do this to me! My own brother! At least I know what you really think of me!” The tears are pouring down Lorena’s face but Fernando doesn’t care. She doesn’t hurt half as much as he does. He feels so betrayed. Betrayed by the person he used to go to for everything. That bridge is severely torched now._

_“Am not your brother. Will not be related to a disgrace like you.” He growls, standing on Lorena’s doorstep with his arms folded. Lorena pushes harshly on his shoulders, sending him sprawled out on the ground._

_“Likewise you fucking arsehole!” She roars. Fernando scoffs at her, staying on the ground._

_“Really? Name calling?”_

_“Grow up, Fernando.”_

_“Keep your legs together, whore.” He retorts, getting to his feet. He doesn’t have to stay here and take this._

_“I hope you crash that fucking car!”_

_“Nice. Thank you for wishing me dead.” Fernando calls over his shoulder, opening the driver’s door of his Ferrari._

_“I did not-!”_

_“-Do not care what you have to say, Lorena.” Fernando says breezily, getting into the car and starting up the engine. Lorena races towards him._

_“Don’t you ever come back here!” She bites, knocking on the window until he rolls it down._

_“Will give Mark your number in case he is lonely or bored.” Fernando fires sarcastically. Lorena smacks the car with her palm._

_“FUCK YOU!”_

_“Is your own fault for being so easy-”_

_“-I hate you! I fucking hate you!” She shrieks, backing away from the car. She’s clutching at her stomach and Fernando is sure her breathing is a little off, but he’s so angry at her he doesn’t care._

_“Should look in the mirror, Lorena. If you can stomach it.”_

_“As should you!” She pants slightly, eyes on the ground rather than Fernando. He puts the car in reverse._

_“Whatever. Would prefer to be me than some cheap tramp.” He shoots, moving to roll up the window. Lorena clutches at the door before he gets the chance._

_“Are as bad as him now, Fernando. Anything you do from this point on makes you worse.” She says, her voice fairly serious. She’s probably just trying to make him see sense at the moment but he hates her for it. He doesn’t want to see what she has to say. Opening his door he knocks her off the car, leaving her lying in the driveway. He can hear her calling his name but he doesn’t want to hear it. Mark can deal with her. His hands are shaking in anger. How could she have gone to Mark and not even tried him? He’s furious and in no state to drive but he’s got to get away from her. He can’t be near her for another second. Tyres squeal as Fernando races down the road. The roar of the engine drowning out whatever Lorena screams after him._

_It is Mark who sends him the text saying Lorena has had a stillbirth. Fernando doesn’t know how he knows but it makes him feel empty. He feels responsible. He feels like this is all his fault. He wants so badly to go back over there and set the record straight, tell her he was wrong and he didn’t mean any of it. He wants to support her through this because he knows how hard it must be for her. Or at least he assumes. But Lewis thinks that’s a bad idea. Especially when Lewis finds out how much Mark has been involved in Lorena’s life recently._

_He won’t let Fernando shake the idea that that baby was Mark’s. Fernando doesn’t believe it. Or doesn’t want to believe it. Right now it’s very difficult to know what to believe. Lewis says one thing and Mark says it is bullshit. But of course Mark would say it was bullshit; Mark hates Lewis. And didn’t Mark lie for four years of their relationship? How can Fernando believe anything he says is true?_

_He doesn’t go back to Lorena. He doesn’t call her. He doesn’t talk to her. He doesn’t know what to do but Lewis tells him it’s a bad idea to contact her again. So Fernando doesn’t contact her. He needs to choose someone to start listening to if everyone is going to start shouting at him again. Right now Lewis seems to have his best interests at heart._

He feels like a monster. How could he do that to his own sister? But how could she do that to him? Fernando shakes his head as confusion tightens in his chest.

“What does he say?”

“He doesn’t want a doctor…”

“Think we are better judges at this point, no?” There is a moment of silence. “Give him some space to breathe, maybe?”

“He needs to drink this water.”

“No, we need to keep him warm. He’s shivering again.”

“Both of you stop it.” Andrea grits. Fernando lets their voices fade to nothing, not having the slightest interest in their little fight. He has more remembering to do.

_Fernando walks down the corridor slowly, considering what it is he is about to do. His head is telling him this is stupid but Mark retired today and he himself had a shit race. It is only natural he wants to find him, right? He just wants to make sure he’s Ok, yeah? That’s fine. At the end of the day, they are still married. Even if that’s only because Mark refuses to sign the papers. Though maybe Mark was right, maybe the divorce is more Lewis’ idea… Fernando shakes the thoughts from his head before they can get comfortable. Now is really not the time to be thinking about it. He knocks three times on the door, unsurprised when it opens._

_Though Mark obviously isn’t expecting him._

_“Hi…” Fernando tries softly with a small wave. Mark continues to frown at him._

_“Are you real?” Mark asks. Fernando can’t help but let out a small laugh._

_“Yes.”_

_“Ok, good. I haven’t drunk too much of this then.” Mark lifts a beer can to his lips, taking a long drag from it. Fernando waits awkwardly, standing in the corridor._

_“Errh,” Fernando breaks the silence, scratching the back of his neck. “Can I come in?”_

_“Be my guest.” Mark shrugs, stepping to the side._

_“Am surprised you are not celebrating…” Fernando comments lightly, eyeing the beer cans littering Mark’s floor._

_“Not really in the mood, mate.” Mark says, still standing by the door, holding it open as if he expects Fernando to walk out._

_“You help them win Constructors.” Fernando points out._

_“Yeah, stopping my car every other race…”_

_“Is not your fault.”_

_“Whatever…” Mark shrugs, drinking more beer. Fernando seats himself on the end of Mark’s bed._

_“Is nice to find you alone-”_

_“-Are you staying or should I leave this open?” Mark bites, glaring at Fernando. Fernando subconsciously folds his arms._

_“Am here for you.”_

_“Well then, how can I help you?”_

_“…Is he too busy tonight to be here?”_

_“Look, mate, if you’ve come to have a pop just fucking go. I’m not in the mood.” Fernando drops his arms. No, he doesn’t want to have a go at Mark. He wants to be supportive of Mark. Without saying a word Fernando gets up and grabs a beer, clicking off the top and taking a few mouthfuls. The sour taste rests heavily on his tongue but he forces himself passed it. “Help yourself then.” Mark bites, slamming the door. Fernando places the beer down._

_“Look, Mark, am not here to fight-”_

_“-You’ve not made that very clear.” Mark glares. “Surprised you haven’t got the fucking things on you.”_

_“No… We both have a shit race-”_

_“-I retired. At least you finished-”_

_“-Out of the points.” Fernando reminds. Mark scoffs at him. “But is not a competition.”_

_“It definitely doesn’t sound like one.” Mark sneers sarcastically._

_“Want to support you-”_

_“-That’s what married couples do.” Mark bites._

_“And so we are not married?”_

_“Not when one of us is pushing for a divorce, no, Fernando, we’re not.”_

_“Do not want to talk about this now. Do not want to fight.”_

_“Then what is it you want, Your Highness?” Fernando shakes his head as Mark gives him an extravagant bow._

_“Are drunk.”_

_“No shit.”_

_“Do not want to fight with you, Mark.”_

_“Is Lewis worried about where his precious ‘Ferri’ has gone?”_

_“Do not call me that.”_

_“Why not? He does.”_

_“Mark, stop this! Can we not just… Be friends?”_

_“No, Fernando. You torched that bridge when you slept with him.”_

_“Rich coming from you…”_

_“Alright, get the fuck out.”_

_“No. Stop fighting me.”_

_“Fernando, we can’t exchange two sentences without it being a fight. He’s fucked up your head! You can’t even hear me!”_

_“Can, Mark. Am listening now. Please… Just…”_

_“Just what? Pretend none of this is happening? Pretend you’re not trying to shove a divorce down my throat?”_

_“For once can we just be us again?” Fernando pleads. Mark frowns at him._

_“Have you been drinking?”_

_“No…” Fernando laughs lightly, moving closer to the Australian. He takes the beer from Mark’s hand, setting it down._

_“Does Lewis know you’re here?”_

_“No…” Fernando shakes his head a little more seriously. Mark just frowns at him as the Spaniard unbuttons his shirt._

_“What are you doing?”_

_“Know how you like to be comfortable…” Fernando shrugs, pulling the shirt over Mark’s head. “Relax?” He smiles, lying Mark down on the bed. Mark frowns at him as Fernando moves around the room, tidying. He grunts when the remote hits his stomach. “Put on some sports or something. What ever you want.” Fernando beams. Mark raises a questioning eyebrow._

_“You’re looking after me.” Mark observes. Fernando nods, putting the empty cans noisily in the bin. “Why?”_

_“You do the same for me, no? When I have a shit race?”_

_“Yeah, when we were-”_

_“-Shh.” Fernando chastens. “Not tonight. Please.”_

_“What’s gotten into you?”_

_“You have a shit race with a shit team who idolize your teammate. Want to remind you that you are loved too…”_

_“Fernando, we’re not together anymore.”_

_“Does not matter.” Fernando states, pulling on the ends of Mark’s trousers. The Australian lifts his hips until he is left only in his boxer shorts. “Still care about you. Want you to feel better.” Fernando moves over to the phone, passing Mark the menu. “We order and then can watch sports or a shit film. Then you can rant to me. Just like you used to.” Fernando beams. Mark frowns, taking the menu._

_“I really don’t get you.”_

_“No thinking tonight.” Fernando reminds, dialing the appropriate number._

_“You know, I really haven’t slept with anyone but you since Malaysia.” Mark says, watching Fernando closely. Fernando gives him a weak smile._

_“What do you want to eat?” The phone is taken from Fernando’s hands and place back on the stand. Mark’s fingers lightly brush against Fernando’s cheek._

_“I’ve not. I told you. This team isn’t good for me, it doesn’t make me a good person. And it’s made me loose you. Of all the things I’ve done over the past four years it’s the one I regret most. I couldn’t stand to hurt you though, Fernando. I came to you once, Canada, and what I did…. I shouldn’t have even done that to you. Cheating… Cheating became the lesser of two evils. I was going to leave the team and then it would all be over. I wouldn’t have to even worry about it happening again.” Fernando finds himself holding onto each of Mark’s words like it’s his last._

_“Why have you not told me this before?”_

_“I tried, mate. Someone called Lewis kept getting in the way.” Fernando gets up, leaning towards Mark and for a moment he thinks he’s going to kiss him. But this really doesn’t change much, does it? He can’t just forgive Mark because he didn’t cheat because he stopped loving him? He really needs to sit and think about this all. Maybe he needs a few weeks to himself to get him head straight. That had helped over summer. He kisses Mark’s forehead softly._

_“You pick what you want to eat and we order.” Fernando nods, perching on the bed beside Mark and picking up the remote. “We are not talking about these things tonight.”_

_It’s a lot later when Fernando wakes up. The remains of their devoured room service and the half empty bottle of champagne sit on the desk as the credits of the film Mark had put on are rolling up the screen. They had had a great night of bitching about Sebastian and the team, with Fernando adding in his own personal complaints about the lack of competition his car brought. Fernando frowns, rubbing his eyes as he sits up. It makes him smile to hear Mark’s laugh._

_“Time?” Fernando yawns._

_“About half twelve…” Mark doesn’t remove the hand from around Fernando’s waist, rubbing gently up his back._

_“Woah… Should probably go…” Fernando states sadly. The smile falls of Mark’s face._

_“Yeah…”_

_“No… Do not do this… Try so hard to get it there in the first place…” Fernando sighs, cupping Mark’s cheeks and brushing his finger against the corner of his lips. Mark let’s out a gentle chuckle. “There, better…” Fernando nods sleepily, pressing his lips to Mark’s. He doesn’t realise what he’s done until Mark is pushing him back. “Sorry…”_

_“It’s fine… Don’t worry…” But the sadness is already creeping back onto Mark’s face. Fernando hates it. He sits himself up, pulling Mark with him and holding the Australian tightly._

_“Do not be sad…” Fernando whispers, their lips inches apart. He can feel Mark’s warm breath on his face. He’s so close he hears Mark swallow nervously._

_“I’m always sad when you leave…” Mark whispers back. Fernando kisses him softly at first, but it doesn’t take long for that to intensify. Neither of them will even know who started it, but not before long Mark was pulling Fernando’s shirt over his head as the Spaniard pulled at the elastic waistband of his boxers._

_“You were at Mark’s?” Lewis asks, in a tone that shows he thinks he’s heard wrong. Fernando continues to look at the floor._

_“He looked sad…”_

_“So do homeless people, Fernando, but I don’t spend the night with them!” Lewis snaps, pacing in front of the Spaniard. It’s starting to burn on Fernando’s last nerve. “So what, he just invited you in-”_

_“-Went myself.” Fernando cuts. Lewis stops pacing to look at him like he’s a madman. “He looked sad so I wanted to check he was Ok.”_

_“And was he?”_

_“Is now…”_

_“Brilliant! So what did you do?” Lewis sneers sarcastically._

_“Just got some food, watched a film… Fell asleep…”_

_“In his arms?” Lewis pouts moodily. Fernando rolls his eyes._

_“No, was on the sofa.” Fernando lies. Lewis resumes his pacing._

_“And so, what? He just let you sleep?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“How fun that must have been for him.” Lewis spits in a tone that tell Fernando he doesn’t believe him. “Did you sleep with him?” The question catches Fernando off guard. He still has the linger of Mark’s touch on his skin, the feel of him inside him…_

_“No.” Fernando blushes at the floor._

_“Liar.” Lewis gasps. Fernando looks up at him. “Oh my God… You slept with him.”_

_“Lewis-”_

_“-No! Ok? Don’t!” Lewis barks, pacing frantically. “What a fucker!” He suddenly outbursts, causing Fernando to jump._

_“Sorry?”_

_“You went to him as a friend and he took advantage of you!”_

_“No, Lewis-”_

_“-Of course, that makes perfect sense. So typical him. He probably made you feel like you were helping him out. Bet he forgot to even mention you’re getting divorced.”_

_“Lewis, I started this. Was my choice.” Fernando presses. But he isn’t sure why. Lewis just shakes his head._

_“But he gave you food, right? And then you fell asleep? Fernando! He fucking drugged you!” Fernando remembers that night in 2012 when Sebastian won the championship. He doesn’t remember it well but he remembers ending it in hospital with Mark’s hand clutched tightly on his. He knows it wasn’t Mark who drugged him that night, even though Lewis has always been adamant that it was Mark._

_“Mark does not-”_

_“-He obviously drugged you, Fernando. There is no other explanation. It’s not like you still love him. You remember what he did.” Lewis stops pacing to cup Fernando’s face. Fernando pushes his hands away, retrieving a drink from the mini bar with his back to the Brit._

_“Yes, Lewis, of course I remember what he did. Do not have to go over this again…” Fernando’s tone is tired and fed up; his exhausted body is not in the mood for Lewis’ rants tonight. Because he is scared he has made a mistake in leaving Mark. Going to Mark last night wasn’t a mistake. Fernando had gone to his room with a plan and he felt so over the moon when it had been more successful than he expected. Being intimate with him again… Fernando couldn’t let that wonderful giddy feeling go. But that elated feeling has just left him more confused in this whirlwind of feelings._

_Maybe he does still love Mark._

_Fernando is woken abruptly from his sleep as something stings across his back. He doesn’t get it but as he tries to move, get up and find out what’s going on he finds he can’t do that either. He starts to panic, not understanding and still feeling groggy from sleep._

_“Lewis?” Fernando whimpers. He doesn’t know what’s going on. There is another sharp pain on his back and he tries to turn to find out what the fuck is going on._

_“I don’t want you anywhere near Mark again, understand?” Lewis snaps. Fernando lets out a shaky breath._

_“I-” His voice is cut off as whatever Lewis is hitting him with smacks against his back again, replaced with a whimper of pain._

_“Do you understand?” Lewis says with more force. Fernando just nods. “You’re going to take the divorce papers back to him today and tell him India was a mistake, yes?”_

_“Lewis-!” Another hit ricochets off his back and his hands fist into the sheets as he tries to bite back the pain._

_“He doesn’t love you like I do, Fernando! Why can’t you understand that! He’s just going to hurt you again!”_

_“Are hurting me, Lewis…” Fernando mutters, peering over his shoulder to see Lewis stood over him with his belt in his hands. Lewis’ hand comes down on his shoulder and Fernando flinches, the skin still tender from being hit._

_“No, Fernando. I'm reminding you of what Mark has done. You don’t need him. You need me, you want me.” Lewis presses, his nails cutting into Fernando’s skin. Fernando internally begs him to stop, unsure of why he’s not voicing his wishes. “You were bad. So you needed to be reprimanded and told you can’t do that. I didn’t want to but you have to be taught.” Lewis explains, letting go of Fernando and laying his lips gently to his shoulder instead. “I love you unconditionally, Fernando. I only want what’s best for you.” Fernando lets out a deep breath as Lewis climbs off of him. “You can make your own way to the track today, yeah?” He asks lightly. Fernando just nods, wanting Lewis to leave right now. He’s still half asleep and he can’t quite comprehend what’s just happened._

_Once the door closes Fernando gets to his feet, moving over to the mirror. He can see the angry red marks on his skin where Lewis had hit him with the belt. He never expected this. He can’t even begin to explain what he’s feeling. He doesn’t understand what’s going on. He certainly doesn’t know why Lewis has hit him._

_Yes he does. It’s because he slept with Mark._

_Checking the time he realises he’s already running late. Lewis must have turned off his alarm. It doesn’t really give him enough time to get his head straight. Considering Lewis has taken the car he knows he’s going to need to walk and that’s a good half an hour. He really needs to be leaving now to have any time in the paddock before he has to get in the car._

_He makes his walk brisk, keeping his cap low and his head down to stop anyone from recognizing him. Unfortunately the walk has let him think and he doesn’t really want to be trying to work out why Lewis did what he did this morning. He is now to be punished like some bad dog whenever he does something Lewis doesn’t like? No way. He can’t live like that. He knows he needs to find Lewis and tell him this is not Ok. He’s still his own person, contrary to a lot of people’s beliefs. He won’t be told what he can and can’t do by anyone._

_Fernando gasps in fear as someone grabs his shoulder just as he walks through the gate. He thinks it could be Mark or Lewis. He really doesn’t need to deal with either of them right now. He relaxes when he recognises it’s Andrea._

_“You are late.” Andrea says, watching Fernando closely. Fernando adjusts the bag on his shoulder, walking on and ignoring his race engineer. “Why are you late?”_

_“Got held up.” Fernando mutters to the floor, still not looking up._

_“Did not come with Lewis.”_

_“Prefer to walk…” Fernando knows Andrea knows something is wrong. It makes him shrink into himself more._

_“What happened? Did you fight?”_

_“No.”_

_“Fernando-”_

_“-Am fine.” Fernando shoots, dipping into the Ferrari motorhome and keeping his sunglasses on; his emotions are too close to the surface right now. Andrea follows him._

_“Have an hour before free practice-”_

_“-Know this.” Fernando hisses, moving towards his cool down room. Andrea is three steps behind him._

_“Am worried, Fernando.”_

_“Do not be. Am fine.” Andrea reaches for Fernando’s shoulder to stop him moving forwards but Fernando curls away from him in pain. They exchange a worried look; Fernando worried that Andrea knows what has happened, why he’s in pain._

_“Are you hurt?” Ice rushes through Fernando. Andrea is already dubious enough about Lewis. Fernando shakes his head; no one needs to know about this. He’s going to sort it with Lewis and then it will never happen again._

_“Am fine… Just fell…”_

_“Fernando-”_

_“-Leave me alone.” Fernando bites, moving into his room and slamming the door behind him. He drops his bag, hastily crossing the room and putting his fireproof underwear on his massage bed. With a deep breath he pulls his shirt over his head, reaching for the white material. His fingers graze it as his door opens. Fernando panics. “Told you to-!”_

_“-Is not a fall.” Andrea breathes, his fingers lightly tracing Fernando’s back, holding the Spaniard so he can’t turn around. “Has someone hit you?”_

_“No.” Fernando snarls, moving away from Andrea and pulling on his fireproof shirt. Andrea grabs the material before it slides down his back, still looking in shock at the damage to Fernando’s skin._

_“Has Lewis seen this?” Andrea asks, completely stunned as to how this has happened. Fernando steps away from him, letting the material cover his back._

_“Lewis is not talking to me at the moment.” Fernando mutters, fiddling with his sunglasses with his back to Andrea. Andrea folds his arms._

_“Did he do this to-?”_

_“-No.” Fernando adds quickly, eyes still on the floor. “I… I just fell…”_

_“Does not look like it.”_

_“Well is what happens, Ok?” Fernando snarls, dropping his sunglasses on his desk and pulling his race suit from its hanger._

_“… Did Mark…?” Andrea doesn’t finish the question; Fernando glares at him. How dare he even suggest that._

_“Have not seen Mark for a long time.” Fernando lies, his voice angry. He might have seen Mark only recently but he is not who did this. Andrea drops his head._

_“Am sorry, but does not look like you fall.” Fernando can see Andrea isn’t going to drop this. He really wishes he would._

_“Well have. So drop it.” Fernando huffs, pulling his race suit over his shoulders. Andrea waits a little while longer, just watching Fernando huff around the room. He only speaks again once Fernando has crouched to pull on his boots._

_“Where do you fall?” Fernando sighs dramatically, focusing on tying the laces of his race boots._

_“Down some stairs…”_

_“Stairs?”_

_“In the hotel…” Fernando isn’t sure the statement sounds more like a question._

_“Have had a fight with Lewis?”_

_“Lewis does not do this.” Fernando stresses, changing feet and still not looking up at Andrea._

_“Will still be Ok to drive?”_

_“Am fine. Just a few bruises.” Fernando nods. Andrea leaves him shortly after than, letting Fernando finally relax. He needs to talk to Lewis as soon as possible. He decides after free practice one he’ll go and find him, explain how this is not Ok. They’re not children they’re adults. They talk about things not hurt each other. Otherwise this relationship isn’t going to work. One slip up is Ok, but Fernando won’t be able to let another one go. He thinks back to Mark. Maybe all that time ago this was Mark’s one slip up._

_No, one thing Fernando certainly doesn’t want to do is start comparing his relationship with Lewis to his relationship with Mark._

_Fernando has been told that Mark tired to get in the hospital to see him after his little bump in the Grand Prix. Fernando is sure Lewis stopped him getting any further than the front door. He’s not sure how he feels about that. He managed to sort things out with Lewis, the Brit explaining that he understood that he went too far but he only did it because he was so scared of loosing him. “Don’t worry.” He had said. “The season will be over and we’ll never see Mark again. Then it will just be the two of us.” Fernando, again, isn’t certain of where he sits on that but for now he guesses that’s what he’s faced with. That is what will eventually happen. Because if he divorces Mark and marries Lewis the Australian will never talk to him again. It’s as simple as that._

_But Lewis is still persistent he needs to let Mark know that India was a mistake. Whether it was or wasn’t is irrelevant as Fernando knocks on Mark’s door, the envelope tightly in his sweaty hands._

_“Are you OK?” Mark asks, pulling Fernando into a hug. Fernando winces at the pain shooting through his back, pushing Mark off him as the Australian brings him into the hotel room. “Sorry. Did I hurt you? I’ve just been so worried. No one would let me in to see you and-” Mark abruptly stops talking and Fernando it pretty sure he knows why._

_“Am good.” He shrugs, not looking up at Mark. “Just a trapped nerve. Doctors say to rest until next race and will be fine.”_

_“Why the fuck have you brought that with you?” Mark asks, his tone dark. Fernando sends him a sympathetic look._

_“Mark-”_

_“-No.” Mark bites, trying to take the envelope out of Fernando’s hand. Fernando keeps his hold on it. “Fernando you don’t want this!”_

_“I do. I need to do this. I need a clean break.”_

_“But India-!”_

_“-India was a mistake…” Fernando drops his head, hating the way Mark steps away from him._

_“Are they you words or Lewis’?”_

_“Mine.” Fernando says. Mark just scoffs at him._

_“No they’re not. Fernando I love you, please. Remember what we had. Remember how great we were.”_

_“You ruin it, Mark. You ruin it all.” Fernando points out. “For me, just sign them.” Fernando asks softly. But Mark is shaking his head._

_“If you’ve honestly come here just to get them fucking signed then leave. I don’t need this right now.” Mark challenges. Fernando thinks Mark honestly believes there is another reason he’s come. But there isn’t. He deflates, moving towards the door._

_“Congratulations on your podium.” Fernando says, letting himself out._

_“Fernando you don’t want this! I know you don’t!” Mark pleads, chasing Fernando from the room. Fernando faces him, trying to look as confident as he can._

_“Come here to get you to sign. If you will not sign have nothing more to say.”_

_“Fernando!” Mark begs as Fernando moves away from him. But Fernando knows now this is for the best. If he wants a clean break he needs to choose Mark or Lewis. Lewis is a fresh start. Mark has too many variables now and he doesn’t think he can trust him anymore. He still wants to take the next few weeks without either of them, but he thinks he’s going to choose Lewis._

“Do not get a doctor… Am fine…” Fernando breathes as someone sits him up. He’s quite glad he hasn’t been sick. “Just give me a moment…”

“Fernando-”

“-Am fine…” Everything is feeling so fresh in his mind. He doesn’t want to be stopped from remembering now. Not when he feels so close to having it all back.

_“Yeah, well, Fernando’s an interesting person really. You think you’re getting somewhere with him, think that everything is finally getting on track and them BAM! Like a brick wall it’s like nothing ever happened; you’re back to square one. He’s very fucking good and playing games.” Mark grits angrily at some reporter as Fernando passes him on the Thursday of the American Grand Prix. He feels terrible. He didn’t mean to suddenly change his tune on Mark like that. He honestly wanted to make sure he was Ok. It had escaladed so quickly Fernando didn’t know how to stop it. And if he’s honest he didn’t want to stop it. He’s so confused. He doesn’t know if he wants Mark back or not. One thing is for certain he can’t loose the Australian out of his life. He can’t imagine never seen Mark again. And as the end of the season draws closer he’s scared that might be exactly what happens._

_“Keep walking.” Andrea mutters in his ear, ushering him on. Fernando understands; Andrea doesn’t want the press asking him any questions. Just a few more weeks, they’re all saying. A few more weeks and it is all over with._

_Not if Mark doesn’t sign the papers. And he seems no closer to signing them than he did when Fernando first asked._

_He’s very drunk and alone. It’s not sensible really. But it’s finally hit him that after tomorrow that’s it; he won’t see Mark any more. Not unless it’s by accident. And that hurts more than anything has hurt in the past. Though, that might just be vodka-indulged pain. He’s been with Kimi under the guise of getting to know his new teammate but really he just wanted to get pissed. Kimi seemed to know that before he did. The Finn has deposited him back at his room and Fernando can’t remember much of what he talked to Kimi about tonight. He knows he was talking a lot, the alcohol fuzzing his brain and loosening his tongue. It felt good to be talking to someone on neither side of his problems. Just as neutrals. Fernando had liked that._

_But now he is fumbling around with his phone._

_He can’t remember exactly whom he was trying to call but before he knows it the device in his hand is connecting to Lorena. He presses it to his ear, giggling as he mimics the ringing it is making. He waits for what feels like an age before his sister’s chirpy voice starts talking. It takes him a moment to realise it’s the answer machine._

_He can’t for the life of him think why Lorena’s phone would have gone to answer machine but a message seems as good as talking to his sister in person._

_“Hello Lorena.” He slurs, sliding down the wall slightly. “You have not answered… The phone beeps and tells me to leave a message, so here is my message…” Fernando takes a deep breath, slipping further down the wall. “I still love Mark.” He admits, suddenly feeling heavy and sad. “Why I leave him? He makes me happy and all I do is make him sad… Do not want to loose, him, Lorena… I love him so much. I love him with all of my heart… Cannot not live without Mark and his smile and his accent… His accent is funny, yes? He says things strange. And where he comes from everyone wears thongs! Do you know this? Are not like our thongs though… Ask him that and he laughs… But is Mark, Lorena… Love him. Why can things not be easy? Why can things-?” Fernando is cut off before he’s even had chance to say everything he wants to say to Lorena. He’s taken too long leaving the message. Fernando scoffs at the phone, dropping it to the floor as he dries his eyes. It figures really. He ripped down any relationship he had with Lorena last time she saw him. Of course he shouldn’t be given the chance to set it all straight._

_Fernando deflates against the wall, silently crying. He doesn’t understand how his life could have gotten in such a mess. He really just wants to draw a line under everything, hit a restart button and start again. So many mistakes he wishes he could take back. So many words he begs he never really said. But he had said them, he had done them, and life comes with no redo button._

_He doesn’t mean to fall asleep against the wall but he does, his thoughts focused on Mark._

_“For fuck sake, mate…” Mark looks like he’s about to slam the door in his face. “Not today. Just for once not today.”_

_“Will be easier for both of us if you just sign.” Fernando says, walking into the room and straight over to the desk. Mark slams the door. Fernando cringes at the sound, his head throbbing violently._

_“I don’t need this today.”_

_“After today makes it harder, no? We just do this now and then is done. Never have to see me again.”_

_“I don’t want that and you know it.”_

_“Mark, am so tired of fighting you.” Fernando sighs, lying a pen on the divorce papers. “Am so tired of the ups and downs and the love and hate and the trust and hurt. Cannot keep doing this! Will kill me!”_

_“Alright, Fernando, calm down.” Mark coos, pulling Fernando in for a hug. But Fernando pushes away from him._

_“Is for me now. Lewis does not know am here. I come just for me so please, sign.” Fernando implores feeling all the fight drain out of him. He can feel Mark watching him closely but he’s so tired he doesn’t care. He feeling like a mess from the message he left Lorena last night and the fact his neck hurts from sleeping against the wall. He just wants to start getting things in order._

_“Have breakfast, yeah? I’ve just ordered something up. We’ll have that and talk about this after the race. I don’t want to do it now.”_

_“Will you sign? After the race?” Fernando asks, his eyes still begging. Mark looks into them deeply, his body posture reflecting Fernando’s. They are both done fighting. Neither of them can keep this up any longer._

_“After the race.” Mark nods, putting the damned file back in its envelope and taking the pen from Fernando. He pushes the paper into Fernando’s rucksack before leaving the bag by the door and leading him over to the small table. “After the race I’ll sign them for you, Fernando.” Relief pools through Fernando’s body as he sits down, nodding gratefully._

_“Thank you.” He needs this clean break. He needs this restart with Lewis. Mark has hurt him too much and however much he doesn’t want to loose the Australian from his life he can’t keep up this fighting. Maybe they can still be friends now Mark is conceiting nicely. Maybe they can try and make it work. Fernando doesn’t know, but after the race he hits his reset button._

_He enjoys breakfast with Mark. It’s like a final meal though and the feeling is clear throughout the whole thing. Mark barely touches his food, saying minimal and it makes Fernando feel bad that he’s pushed Mark to this. But he knows it’s what’s best for them. Not for Lewis and him and not even for Lewis but for them. If they want to finish this year even remotely as friends they need to draw a line under this and start again. Fernando is just hoping Mark has finally realised it._

_Mark finds him twenty minutes before the race, telling him where he can shove his divorce papers. Fernando doesn’t understand what’s changed Mark’s mind; it was fine this morning. Mark agreed with him. But as Mark storms off Fernando sees Lewis walking the other way. So close and Lewis still had to stick his nose in._

_Fernando follows Mark and they fight. Harsh hot words that neither of them mean. But they’re said and they set in. Fernando walks away, slamming Mark’s door._

_He gets in the car angry. He knows Andrea is worried because he never gets in the car angry. But Mark can’t just do that. Fuck Lewis, he is supposed to be signing the papers for him! He’s not calm and he nearly stalls going out of the garage._

_He’s still furious at Mark as he comes out of the pits. He still hates the Australian for potentially putting him through this for longer. Why can’t Mark see what he’s doing to him? Why can’t Mark-_

_He forgets to avoid the puddle and the car slips from his control. He can see the barrier advancing, getting nearer and he takes his hands off the steering wheel, bracing himself for the impact._

_He is thinking about Mark when he hits the wall._

“Right, someone call a doctor.”

“No.” Fernando shakes his head. Someone supports his back as the last few weeks come back to him. There is some much he feels ridiculous for. It’s as if he had been drugged since the crash. It felt hazy at the time but now everything is in sharp focus.

 

_How could he have been so happy to see Mark? Mark was the one putting him through all this pain. It was Mark’s fault. All Mark had to do was sign the fucking papers._

_How did he not recognise Lewis? Why did he run? Lewis would have helped him. Lewis would have made him remember what Mark was doing to him._

_He’d slept with Mark! How could he have done that to Lewis again!_

_And he’d yelled at Nico… Nico was only trying to help, make sure he didn’t go back down the dark path he was stuck on._

_Lorena had been trying to get him to wait for Mark, trying to persuade him Mark was the best thing again. She was wrong. Mark was hurting him._

_They were all trying to manipulate him. All of them except Lewis..._

_He had been scared of Lewis because of what Mark had said. Mark had tried to turn him against Lewis._

_How could he have picked Mark over Lewis? How could he have done that._

_Lewis was his reset. He needed a break from Mark. He needed Mark and that pain out of his life for a while._

_He is so tired of fighting…_

With a shaky breath, Fernando opens his eyes.

He’s a bit confused to find himself inside, but somewhere along the lines he maybe remembers being carried away from the track. He looks around the small room, the one Andrea brought him into the get changed. He’s lying on a table. Or half-sitting, half-lying on a table. He thinks it’s Andrea behind him because Lewis has one of his hands wrapped tightly in his stood on his left. But that only can mean one thing: the hand on his right shoulder belongs to Mark.

He looks up at the Australian and Mark pulls his hand away as if he’s burnt him.

“You’ve remembered everything, haven’t you?” Mark asks. Fernando just blinks at him. It seems to be enough of an answer as the Australian moves out the room. “You owe me fifty pounds.”

“Mark?” Andrea calls, chasing after him, not understanding what is going on. Fernando just watches them go, still feeling in a state of shock. He closes his eyes, trying to remember winning his first race, his world titles. The memories almost present themselves proudly and he finds himself smiling, so glad that everything finally is back in its rightful place. He opens his eyes as Lewis pulls him into a hug.

“It’s Ok now, Ferri. Everything will be OK.” Fernando can’t help but agree, wrapping his arms tightly around Lewis and holding onto him, still bemused he had even forgotten who Lewis was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there are some memories missing that you may have wanted to see but just look at the length of it with just the important memories in it :P I had to seriously refine down on which memories came into this because otherwise I'd still be writing it :L  
> With this in mind I am going to open up a new work called "A Trip Down Memory Lane". leave me a comment after this chapter or any after this and tell me which memory you want me to write. I already have a few planned (I.E. the wedding, the honeymoon and there is also a Tila thing I want to share with you, I'm going to do 2012 party - the drug one - from another POV so you see Fernando from outside his head, plus some others I might not be able to think of right now cause it's quite late :L) so if you ask for one of these I'll let you know I'm already planning that but if not I'll try and get something done for you. You can ask for anything; some Mark/Fernando or some Lewis/Fernando or maybe even some Mark/Jenson. Maybe you want to know what Mark was talking to Jenson about all those times they met up or maybe you want to hear more of Nico's story? From Fernando's POV or Nico's? Or maybe one of the memories from here but from someone else's POV? Maybe Andrea and Felipe on Mark's proposal? Or maybe Lewis on Mark's proposal? I don't mind - just let me know and I'll see what I can do for you :D  
> **Just a warning, once this work is finished the memory wok will become a secondary work so, like the secondary Hurricane ones, I can't promise how soon you'll get them but I'll do my best :)**
> 
> I hope you don't hate me too much :')
> 
> *14*


	29. Give Him His Fresh Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As normal as it all can get now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one left now
> 
> #ForzaJules  
> \- - - - - - - - - - - -

His feet pound against the solid ground at a steady pace, his breathing coming out in hot wisps of air as he pushes further down the route he’s run so many times in the past. It sometimes still startles him at how much he forgot. How he didn’t remember the simplest of things that had been so every day to him he was sure they had been ground into him for life. Like this route. He runs this route every morning, listening to the same playlist of songs that he has refined so they finish just as he gets back to the house and then he showers before breakfast. It scares him how he just forgot that. Something that was so key to his daily routine and he completely forgot about it.

It is things like this that have made Fernando start his diary. Nothing like secrets and dreams but more a little book he can jot everything down in that he remembers. It’s still unclear whether he has remembered everything over the past ten years that he forgot or if there are still gaps. Even before the accident he wouldn’t have been able to recall everything. As if to test himself Fernando closes his eyes, thinking back over his first win, first world title, first date with Mark. It’s all there. It brings a smile to his face as he carries on down the road, the morning sun now hot on his shoulders.

He hasn’t seen Mark since he left the Ferrari test. The Australian apparently disappeared just after he left the room. Fernando didn’t know that, his head too tangled in remembering and Lewis. Lewis refused to leave his side for three days straight, which made for some awkward visits to the bathroom. The majority of Fernando’s memory had come back during the Ferrari test, but over the next few days he caught himself daydreaming about things he could suddenly remember, waking up in the middle of the night having been thrown from a memory he thought was a dream. Each time his breath caught in his throat, each time he reached for someone, anyone, but nine times out of ten there was no one there.

Probably because he’d told Lewis to move out.

It wasn’t anything personal to the Brit, Fernando just needed some space. He needed to be able to remember things as he remembered them, not have Lewis’ telling him how it had ‘really’been. Fernando didn’t know if he believed some of the things Lewis was telling him and it just confused him more every time he did. He didn’t need that. He just needed some space. It made him wonder if Mark would have given him the space.

He’d been wondering a lot about Mark recently.

It is a good few months after he remembered everything now. He’s been all through pre-season testing and he’s flying out to Australia next week. He knows Lewis wants to come back with him after the Grand Prix and stay permanently but Fernando finds he’s not sure he wants that to happen just yet. Lewis and his relationship progressed so quickly Fernando feels like this is the perfect opportunity to pull on the brakes and slow down. He’s told Lewis he doesn’t want to get married. Not yet anyway. It hadn’t been easy to tell Lewis that because he loves him and hated seeing him so sad hurt. But Fernando knew he needed to get his head straight. And jumping from one marriage to another wasn’t going to help anything. Plus Mark still hadn’t signed the papers.

Fernando doesn’t understand why Mark doesn’t just sign them now. He obviously thinks it’s over considering the Spaniard hasn’t seen or heard from him in months. There is a sting around that fact but Fernando knows now he has to move on from it. Mark hurt him really badly and so if he wants some closure from it the distance is a good thing. Fernando called his lawyers last week and asked them what to do; he doesn’t feel like he can talk to Lewis about this anymore. They told Fernando to give Mark to the end of the month to sign. If he hadn’t signed by then they were going to have to try and force his hand. Fernando liked that idea a lot less than waiting around for Mark to sign on his own time.

He regularly finds himself thinking back over his relationship with Mark. It kind of makes him feel stupid; how blind he had been to it all. He sees now that Mark’s spontaneous ‘moments of affection’ were merely just because he felt guilty. Trying to make it all up to Fernando for something he couldn’t tell him he’d done. Fernando still feels like he’s in a state of limbo about the whole cheating thing. He tells himself day and night that Mark really did cheat on him all those times, it wasn’t just a horrible dream, but there is a part of him that still refuses to believe it, still refuses to think Mark could ever hurt him like that.

He woke up just the other day from another Mark memory. Reaching for his diary that was constantly an arms-length away from him at most he sat himself up, rubbing at his tired eyes and writing it all down. The order of his book is completely messed up but relieving the memories makes them set firmly in his mind and he is desperate not to forget anything ever again. The dream that night had been from Japan, 2012. He remembers it so well now, that feeling of everything slipping through his fingers: the championship, Mark. It had been too much for him to comprehend.

_“Fernando, please talk to me…” Mark sighs, kissing lightly across the back of his shoulders. Fernando wants to pull him close and push him away at the same time. He feels like he’s loosing everything. He doesn’t know what’s left to live for anymore. He’s been feeling so distant from Mark lately and now he’s lost his championship lead. He doesn’t know what to do._

_Mark’s arms curl around his body and he feels the first shaky breath leave his lips. Why is he crying? He’s like some hormonal mess who’s not getting their own way. He doesn’t need to be crying. Mark rolls him over so they’re facing each other, scooping him into his arms and cradling him against his chest. It only makes the tears run faster from Fernando’s eyes. He doesn’t know what to do to stop them. He just doesn’t know what to do._

_“Darling, shh… It’s Ok, you’re Ok…” Mark coos softly, stroking his fingers through Fernando’s hair. Fernando shakes his head, burying his face in Mark’s neck._

_“Am not. Am not Ok. Am a mess!”_

_“Shh, no… No, Fernando. You’re not a mess…”_

_“Am!”_

_“One bad race, Nano. Don’t let it get you so down.” Mark says gently, kissing the top of his head. Fernando doesn’t know how to make him feel closer. Fernando just wants to feel like he’s doing an Ok job but the championship is slipping away and Mark is so distant. This is the closest they’ve been for weeks. Fernando is worried he’s forced that gap between them. “Shh… Breathe, Fernando.” Fernando looks deep into Mark’s eyes as the Australian dries away his tears. He feels so lucky, so privileged to have someone as patient as Mark in his life. “When was the last time you slept?”_

_“Huh?” Fernando sniffs, snuggling closer to Mark as the Australian continued to dry his eyes._

_“Proper sleep, Fernando. When was the last time?” Mark knows him so well. Sometimes Fernando forgets that. “Tell me what to do to get you a perfect night sleep.” Mark mutters, scooting down the bed so they’re nose to nose. Fernando doesn’t know what to say. If he’s not worrying about the championship he’s worrying about if Mark is off with Jenson. Fernando just needs to turn his brain off for a few hours. He looks up at Mark, throat feeling too thick to talk. “What is it? Is it the championship keeping you awake?” Fernando nods, not having enough energy to pick a fight with Mark right now. Maybe it can wait. Maybe he can just not think about it all for a while._

_He grips tightly to Mark as the Australian tries to roll away from him. Mark gently kisses his lips with a promise he’s not going far, linking his fingers through Fernando’s as he rolls away. Instantly Fernando feels cold, anxiously needing Mark’s arms back. He frowns when Mark rolls back over to him, holding out a small pill in his hand._

_“It’s herbal.” Mark assures, pressing it into Fernando hand. “Just helps you sleep. They were the world of good for me in 2010.” Mark sits him up, crossing the room to get Fernando a glass of water. He smirks at the Spaniard when he finds him, sitting like a child, waiting for him, pill still on the palm of his hand. “I’m not trying to poison you, Fer.” He smiles lightly, perching beside Fernando and holding out the glass of water. He stretches over the bed once Fernando has taken the glass, pulling the box of tablets out of his bag. “Promise, buddy. I just want you to have a decent night sleep. I think it’ll help you.” He gives the box to Fernando, letting the Spaniard read it over. He looks up at Mark._

_“Nytol?”_

_“Completely herbal, mate. Won’t do you any harm. I’ve been taking them for years.”_

_“You take then in 2010?” Fernando asks curiously, passing the box back to Mark. Mark sets it down._

_“Yeah, sometimes… Things got a bit too much… I just need my head to shut up for a few hours.” They are the words Fernando wants to hear. And he trusts Mark explicitly. He places the pill on his tongue, swallowing it down with a mouthful of water. Mark takes the glass from him, setting it down beside the box of tablets. “That’ll take about an hour to kick in…” Mark says softly, lying Fernando back down. Fernando lets out a deep breath, letting Mark pull him into his arms. “You’ll have to do with me for a bit.” Mark admits almost sheepishly, his fingers combing through Fernando’s hair. Fernando looks up at him when he starts humming softly in his ear._

_“What are you doing?” Fernando whispers, not wanting to break the moment. Mark cups his cheek, looking into his eyes with a soft expression._

_“I’m distracting you from thinking until that kicks in.” Mark says, his voice also quiet. Fernando pulls their lips together, kissing Mark gently, his lips falling from the Australian’s as he falls into a light doze, his head feeling full of cool air. Just about managing to pick up on the soft tune Mark is humming to him…_

_It works splendidly. Fernando feels like a new person when he wakes up the next morning. The sun is streaming through the open curtains and he can smell something wonderful from inside the room somewhere. He doesn’t know how long he’s been asleep but he knows it’s longer than the broken two hours he normally gets. He feels rejuvenated. He stretches his arms above his head, yawning widely. He hasn’t felt this relaxed for ages._

_“Sleeping beauty is awake then?” Fernando smirks at the ceiling at Mark’s voice. “Smelt the food did you?”_

_“Food?” Fernando asks, sitting up a little. Mark is by his side in seconds._

_“No. Stay in bed.”_

_“What?” Fernando laughs a little as Mark places a tray of breakfast food on his lap to stop him getting up._

_“I cancelled our flight.” Mark explains, taking a seat next to Fernando on his side of the bed. Fernando frowns at him._

_“Why?”_

_“I’m taking care of you today.” Mark smiles lightly. “So no phones, no outside contact, no getting out of bed unless you have to piss.”_

_“Charming.” Fernando laughs. Mark nods, pushing a strawberry between the Spaniard’s lips. The burst of flavour is so vivid and fresh he can’t help but hum contently around it._

_“And much more of that please.” Mark beams, getting a smack on the arm from Fernando._

_“Why are you doing this?”_

_“Because you’re stressed and I haven’t noticed and once in a while everyone just needs taking care of.” Mark says softly, buttering some toast for Fernando. Fernando shakes his head, grabbing the front of Mark’s shirt and pulling him closer for a kiss._

_“Thank you.” Fernando sighs honestly, already feeling the weight lift off his shoulders._

_“You’re welcome.” Mark grins gently._

_“How long was I asleep?” Fernando yawns as Mark goes back to buttering the toast. The Australian glances at his watch._

_“About nine hours.”_

_“Really?” Fernando is shocked. Mark nods, passing his some toast._

_“Coffee?”_

_“No.” Fernando wrinkles his nose, not wanting to be so abruptly woken up right now. He likes this state of bliss, this state of comfort. Mark laughs lightly at him._

_“No… I guess not.”_

_“What?” Fernando asks, toast halfway to his lips. Mark just shakes his head._

_“I remember the first time I took one of those herbal sleep tablets. You feel like you’ve been reborn.” He says, popping some of the fruit in his mouth. “So, tea or orange juice?”_

_“Mark,” Fernando puts his toast down, getting Mark’s attention as he moves to get up. “… Thank you for caring.”_

_“I love you, Fernando. I’m always going to care about you.” Mark promises, moving closer to Fernando and pulling him under his arm. He sets a soft kiss to his lips, moving away with the assurance of more to come. “So was that tea or orange juice?”_

_“Tea.” Fernando blushes, openly watching Mark as he moves towards the desk. “Maybe we can do lunch on the balcony?”_

_“Maybe.” Mark smirks, his back still Fernando. Fernando doesn’t trust his tone. “Only if you let me carry you outside.”_

_“Only if you let me sit on your lap.” Fernando counters smoothly. Mark gives him an approving look as he moves back over to him with his cup of tea. He puts it on the bedside table, kissing Fernando’s lips once more before he leans back to his side of the bed._

_“Deal.”_

It makes Fernando happy to remember how wonderful his relationship was with Mark. That it wasn’t all negative and fights and mistrust, but that he has lovely moments to remember, a long list of reasons he took it so hard when Mark did what he did. Their relationship wasn’t black and white, there was no way it was that simple. There wasn’t a moment where it was all suddenly shit whilst it had been wonderful before. The two states overlapped until the moment Fernando walked out the door. It was a beautiful array of colours. And although they aren’t together anymore, can’t be because they just can’t work as a unit anymore, it is nice that he can look back on his relationship with Mark in fondness. Have the good things he can take out and cherish about it.

He takes his last break before he gets home; stopping between the trees that Mark brought him to when he had forgotten everything. It seems so ridiculous that he couldn’t place the significances of this place. It had been the place he finally told Mark he liked him. It was the Spanish Grand Prix, 2009. Or just after it. Fernando had invited Mark to stay with him in the hope the chance to tell him would come up. But he couldn’t break that wall. He couldn’t risk loosing Mark over some stupid crush. It had been easier to tell him out here, out here away from the real world as it had felt.

Fernando remembers that moment like it was yesterday. The stutter of his heart, the tightness of his throat, the way Mark’s smile slowly fell from his face as he waited for what Fernando wanted to say with a worried expression. It had all turned out for the best in the end. Fernando leans against one of the trees, drinking the last of the water from his water bottle as he looks down at that patch of grass. The patch of grass that is the start of his relationship with Mark. He thinks that maybe he should alter his route so he doesn’t have to pass this point anymore but it means too much to him. Coming back here is like returning to the beginning every time as for some reason that’s very settling.

When he thinks over Mark and his history he wonders if that will ever be something he shares with Lewis. Will their history be as colourful or will it always be in darker shades, tainted by how and why they got together, tainted by him forgetting his memory and almost throwing it all away. Mark always understood him without having to say a word. Lewis has never had that knack. There is something about this place that makes him evaluate his relationship with Lewis. He doesn’t want to compare what he has with Lewis with what he has with Mark but that just seems to be the way it is. It’s almost like he’s imagining Mark watching them be a couple, like he’s almost trying to prove to Mark Lewis and he are better at it. _Oh look, Mark, he is kissing me whilst we are watching the television. He does not think sports are more important than me. Oh, look, Mark, he has does the shopping without having to be asked. No fuss, no fight he just goes. Oh, look, Mark! Flowers! When do you ever spontaneously give me gifts?_ Looking at the grass Fernando knows he’ll never have this with Lewis. He’ll never have a place he can return to for them. They got together in a random German hotel room. He was so drunk he’ll never remember which one it was.

Picking up his run again he reminds himself he’s not naïve anymore. He knows what Mark did, he remembers it so well now. He remembers the hurt and the pain and the weeks of not being able to be left alone. The weeks of having to pull Andrea from his own family to keep him in one piece. The week he moved into Lorena’s and knew she just wanted to slap him back into who he was. It had hurt too badly. And now he remembers he remembers exactly why he can’t go back to Mark. He can’t risk the Australian doing it to him again. He can’t go through that pain again.

2003 Fernando frequently tells him he’s stupid. Tries to remind him of everything lovely that Mark ever did. _Yes, Lewis brought flowers but do you remember when Mark got your parents secretly into the house just to make you feel better? Yes, sure, Lewis does the shopping but do you remember when Mark baby sat Tila with you and you fell in love with the idea of children and him so much you wanted to steal the little girl?_ (Not that he had or even attempted to).

Yes, 2003 Fernando is sticking around. Fernando tried to fight it for ages, hating the stupid naïve voice that had him almost call Mark twice or buy the blue puppy toy in the store for no apparent reason (he tried to reason it was for Tila but he couldn’t bring himself to give it away – it now sits on his bed). But he settled with a compromise. Obviously the accident had an affect on him, and for good or for bad Fernando doesn’t know yet. But he almost likes the little voice in his head that mutters _just do it_ before he does something stupid purely because it’s fun. It’s like having a child in his head again. So 2003 Fernando can stick around so long as he doesn’t talk about Mark too much.

Things with Lorena are fractured, but on the mend. She’s still not happy with him for choosing Lewis over Mark and still makes snide comments about how she prefers the Australian when he’s there. But she does respect him for pulling on the brakes with Lewis. And she also understands why he said what he did all those months ago and how he didn’t mean a word. It is mainly Tila that keeps them close now. The little girls begs Lorena to call Fernando until she picks up the phone to find out when her brother is coming over again. Or, that’s what Lorena has told him anyway. Fernando is not sure if it’s just Tila or if Lorena wants him over too.

He doesn’t know if she still sees Mark. He doesn’t ask. He doesn’t want to know.

Fernando lets out a deep breath as he gets back to his house. He stops the music, pulling the keys out of his pocket, his mind already on his shower and then on straightening out the house ready for Lewis. Lewis has been coming and staying for a few nights a week, slowly getting Fernando back into the routine of their relationship. He likes it. It allows them both to have new things to talk about when they see each other. It’s like coming home from work and telling your partner about your day. It’s making it easier for Fernando not having Lewis around all the time, it’s letting 2003 Fernando adjust to what’s going on, letting him get to grips with the fact it’s not Mark anymore and it can’t be Mark anymore. He’s not happy about it but at least he doesn’t scream at Fernando to stop every time he kisses Lewis.

He picks up the post from the floor, walking through to the kitchen and placing it on the side as he pulls his headphones out. He goes straight to the fridge, pulling out another bottle of water and drinking from it quickly as he looks over the food he has in the house. He doesn’t really have time to do the shopping before Lewis gets here; they can go tomorrow together. For tonight he can make some spaghetti or something. He nods to himself, closing the fridge and moving back to the post. He can figure something out.

He flicks through the letters, glancing them over as he pulls them from their envelopes. None of them are really much interest to him. Picking up the A4 one it feels heavier than the others. That grabs his attention, not understanding what it could be. He passes it between his hands, frowning. He’s not expecting a contract. He still has a contract with Ferrari for another three years. Forgetting about the other letters and anything else he should be doing he pulls open the tab at the back of the envelope, sliding the document out.

He nearly drops it.

His fingers fight through all of the pages quickly, determined to reach the first little sticky tab. He steps away from the counter, unable to fully understand what he’s seeing. Why is this happening now? What the hell is going on? His finger traces the squiggle on the paper, the one that wasn’t there before. He can’t believe Mark has finally signed. After everything: all the fights, all the arguments, Fernando forgetting everything, his desperation to get Fernando to change his mind, his certainty this was Lewis’ idea, the silence… All of that and it’s over: Mark has signed the divorce papers.

Fernando really doesn’t know how he’s feeling about that.

As if he’s being tricked Fernando scans through every page, each time he sees Mark’s signature below his own is like another blow to the chest. He should be thrilled about this. It’s over; they can cut the severed ties loose. He can be with Lewis with no problems anymore. But there is something heavy about it. He turns the papers back over, looking at the front. His fingers feel numb as he sees the post-it note on the front. It’s not Mark’s hand writing, it’s Andrea’s. Fernando barely notices the tears rushing down his face.

_Give him his fresh start._

Sweet Andrea who has always been on his side, still fighting for what he wanted even when he couldn’t remember himself. Mark must have taken the papers when he had forgotten everything. Or maybe he gave them to Andrea to get rid of. Andrea must have had them at some point to leave the note, and then Mark must have got them back to sign. There are a lot of questions Fernando doesn’t have the answer to. He doesn’t know if he can get those answers either. He pulls the note off the divorce papers, the fold on the corner catching his attention. He turns it over and nearly crumples to the floor.

_I hope he will make you as happy as you made me x_

“Honey! I’m home!” Lewis’ voice calls brightly, a jokey thing he does every time he comes into the house. Fernando panics. He doesn’t want Lewis to see the papers, not until he’s got his head around them. And right now he doesn’t want Lewis to know they’ve won. He doesn’t want Lewis to be part of this divorce any longer. Opening a random drawer Fernando throws the divorce papers, envelope and post-it note with Mark and Andrea’s writing on it inside, slamming it shut and desperately drying his eyes before Lewis walks through the door. Lewis beams at him, pulling him in for a kiss.

“Are early.” Fernando says with a small smile, proud of how together his voice sounds. Lewis kisses him again.

“Well I assumed you wouldn’t have done any shopping so I thought I’d come early, drop off my bags and do that for you.” He nuzzles into Fernando. Fernando blushes.

“Is very sweet of you.”

“Least I can do for the man I love.” He has stopped calling Fernando ‘Ferri’ and ‘Nibby’. Something Fernando is very content about. “Plus you stink.”

“Am about to go for a shower.” Fernando hits Lewis’ arm softly. “Just get back from my run.”

“Well I’ve got pretty good timing then, haven’t I?” Lewis kisses into Fernando’s neck. They’ve not done anything together apart from kiss since Fernando got him memory back. Fernando finds himself thinking only of Mark whenever they kiss at the moment and he’d hate to do something stupid with Lewis in bed. They’ll get there. Fernando just needs some more time.

“Go and do the shopping.” Fernando mutters, trying not to see the sadness in Lewis’ eyes as he pushes him back.

“Sure I can’t tempt you? I’m pretty good with the soap?”

“Shopping.” Fernando smiles lightly, not hiding the apology from his voice. Lewis nods, kissing him chastely again.

“It’s Ok, Fernando. We’ll get there. Once this shit with _him_ is sorted out we can all move forwards. I’m happy to wait for you.”

“Thank you.” Fernando sighs, pulling Lewis into a tight hug. Lewis kisses his cheek as he walks back towards the door, picking up his keys.

“How about paella for dinner?” Lewis asks, opening the door. “We haven’t cooked together for a while.”

“Sounds perfect.” Fernando beams, watching Lewis leave. He moves straight up to the shower once the Brit as gone, his head spinning over the divorce. He _is_ happy about this (even if 2003 Fernando has an extreme pout on at the moment – at least he’s sulking and not talking). This is what he wanted. A clear break, a fresh start. Mark has given him what he wanted. He’s just sad because he hoped Mark would have at least said goodbye. The last time he saw the Australian plays in his head as he realises that’s it. He won’t see Mark again now. That’s clear by the way he’s got the papers back.

As he stands under the spray of water he lets himself think back over Mark and his relationship. It had been a happy marriage. A happy marriage with an unfortunate mistake. But the happy memories are the easiest to remember; the majority can bring a smile to his face. And that is the most important thing. A happy marriage but that is over now. Now he can look forwards with no regrets and plan his future with Lewis.

That in itself causes a relieving exhale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am going to open up a new work called "A Trip Down Memory Lane". Leave me a comment after chapters 28, 29 or 30 and tell me which memory(ies) you want me to write. I already have a few planned so if you ask for one of these I'll let you know I'm already planning that but if not I'll try and get something done for you. The list so far:
> 
> \- M/F wedding/honeymoon  
> \- M/F baby-sitting Tila  
> \- 2012 party (drug one) from another POV  
> \- Britain '10 from Mark (proposal)  
> \- Nico - attempted suicide **TW** (requested by Sally_Loves_Fanfiction 'something from Nico's POV')  
> \- M/F 'normal' (requested by Sally_Loves_Fanfiction)  
> \- Turkey '10 from Mark (requested by Sally_Loves_Fanfiction/requested by tanyakini93 'source of Mark's anger')  
> \- M/F drifting apart (requested by wavehan)  
> \- S/M about drugging Nano  
> \- How Jenson and Nico became lovers (requested by tanyakini93)  
> \- M/J meeting up w/o Nico or Nano (requested by tanyakini93)  
> \- L/F 2007 from Lewis (requested by tanyakini93)
> 
> You can ask for anything; some Mark/Fernando or some Lewis/Fernando or maybe even some Mark/Jenson. From Fernando's POV or Nico's? Or maybe one of the memories from here but from someone else's POV? Maybe Andrea and Felipe on Mark's proposal? Or maybe Lewis on Mark's proposal? I don't mind - just let me know and I'll see what I can do for you :D  
> **Just a warning, once this work is finished the memory wok will become a secondary work so, like the secondary Hurricane ones, I can't promise how soon you'll get them but I'll do my best :)**
> 
> Almost done now… Just one left…
> 
> *14*


	30. Happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Six years later...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #ForzaJules

_He can feel the sun hot on his face. It’s nice, relaxing. The warmth making him melt back into the sun lounger he’s spread out on. He could stay like this forever, slowly melting into a pile of goo like a stick of butter. Not having any cares in the world but of how great this all feels. Fernando lets out a deep sigh, sinking further back into the cushions, humming lightly in pleasure at the heat spreading across his skin. He doesn’t even care at this point if he gets sunburnt. He’s in such a total state of bliss he doesn’t want to break the hazy spell it’s cast on him. He could be floating on a cloud for all he knew. In fact, he would love it if he were floating on a cloud. That would be the cherry on the top of this perfection. Fernando smiles at the idea._

_The smile crashes to the ground as water splashes over his bare chest._

_“Fuck!” Fernando complains, sitting up quickly and whipping his head around to the pool just beside him. Mark’s head pops up out of the water, a huge smirk plastered on his face as he wiggles his eyebrows at Fernando._

_“Sorry, mate. Did I get you wet?” Mark grins, getting a scowl from Fernando. Fernando wipes his stomach dry with a nearby towel, huffily falling back onto the cushions behind him. “Aww, don’t pout.”_

_“I was comfortable.”_

_“So?” Mark says. Fernando rolls his eyes at him, hidden behind his sunglasses._

_“Were supposed to be getting me a drink.” Fernando reminds, relaxing back. He hears Mark climb out of the pool, splashing water all over the pool edge._

_“I thought you were asleep.” Mark smiles lightly. Fernando blinks his eyes open when a straw is pressed to his lips. He blushes a little as Mark stands beside him, dripping wet and feeding him some sort of cocktail. Fernando finds his breath stuttering as Mark feeds the explosion of flavors to him. “Budge up.”_

_“No…” Fernando whines as Mark tries to join him on the sun lounger again._

_“What? Why?”_

_“Are all wet.”_

_“Come on, we were having a nice cuddle before.” Mark pokes, trying to move Fernando so he can slip behind the Spaniard. Fernando holds his ground._

_“Should have thought of this before you get in the pool.”_

_“Maybe you should get in the pool.” Fernando eyes Mark carefully._

_“Am fine.”_

_“How about a big wet hug then?”_

_“No, Mark!” Fernando giggles, scampering away from the Australian as he tries to pull Fernando into his arms. He throws the towel at Mark but the Australian just bats it away, a wicked look in his eyes._

_“I want to give my husband a big wet hug!” Mark beams, hopping over the chairs as Fernando rushes away from him. “Come back here!”_

_“Cannot catch me! Am faster than you!” Fernando sings, laughing like a child as he runs away from Mark. Mark chases after him, a huge grin on his face. “Fernando is faster than you!”_

_“I can catch you, Ferri.” Lewis beams, scooping Fernando into his arms as he runs from Mark. Fernando frowns at him, stepping out of his hold._

_“What are you doing here?” Fernando asks, confused. Lewis isn’t supposed to be here. Lewis wasn’t there on Mark and his honeymoon. What is Lewis doing here? Fernando turns to Mark but he’s already stopped chasing him, just watching the two of them from a distance. He suddenly turns, walking away. “Mark!”_

_“He’s gone, Ferri. Just us now.” Lewis smiles, wrapping his arms around Fernando’s waist and pulling him closer. Fernando squirms away from him._

_“Why are you here? Is not your dream!” Fernando demands, glaring at the Brit._

A loud blaring sound suddenly has Fernando gasping himself awake.

“Fuck… Sorry.” Sleepily mumbled words say as the sound disappears. Fernando lets out a deep breath, keeping his eyes closed. It’s been years since Fernando has had a memory dream. He wonders if this means he’s forgotten something else. Though this one wasn’t like all of the others; the ones he has had in the past have always remained true to their memory. Fernando feels bad for letting Lewis trespass in Mark’s memory like that. It’s not right; the Brit shouldn’t have been there. Fernando shakes his head. It’s been years since Fernando has written anything in his memory journal. He knew the honeymoon memory was in there and he finds himself rolling towards his bedside table, seeking the old book out. 

“No… Stay here. It’s your birthday.” Fernando is still barely awake but he feels the duvet move and, abandoning his search for his memory book, chases the warmth that is leaving the bed. “I’ll be back before you know it. Stay here.”

“Is my birthday.” Fernando protests, reaching blindly out of the duvet.

“Right.” Fernando smiles as a delicate kiss is pressed to his lips. “So let me spoil you.” Fernando rolls onto his back, as he hears the door open and close again. He lets a deep breath spill into the room as he thinks back over how lucky he is. Everything in his life is finally in order. No more bumps in the road, no more trip-ups or surprises. He hasn’t felt this content for years. Finally, as he is turning thirty-eight, he feels like he’s got everything worked out.

He blinks his eyes open as his mind starts spinning through their plans for today. It’s a habit he found he got into after forgetting ten years. Every morning he wakes up and, as if to check he still remembers everything, runs through what he had planned to do. It’s settling, it reminds him that he is Ok and all the shit that happened six years ago is over. It’s all sorted now. He smiles as he snuggles under the duvet. It’s his birthday so he gets spoilt. And he refuses to leave this bed until midday.

Though maybe he’ll have to get up earlier; might be a bit awkward with his parents showing at half ten.

Birthdays are always a big affair. Considering Fernando is usually halfway around the world so can’t see his family on a day to day basis his mum makes sure they all always meet up for special occasions. It makes Fernando so happy to have them all around him. The time apart always gives them loads to talk about. He finds it’s the best way to keep up with everyone’s lives without having to be in constant contact with them.

It was made so much easier when their parents finally decided to accept Lorena back into their family. It had taken Fernando a lot of work and conversations to get his father to agree to meet with his daughter again. Ana had melted after meeting with Tila, though that was never difficult. Tila had been such an adorable child. As much as José and Ana put on an act they were over the moon to see Lorena happy and healthy. Getting them to meet was the hard part, after that Fernando found his family just fell back into place.

His parents will come down and fuss over him, tell him how good he is looking since deciding to leave Formula One. His mother will remind him, again, he should have done it years ago but it was never the right time. Now is the right time and Fernando has never been happier with his choice. Jenson, Kimi, Felipe and Romain all left a few years ago to focus on their families. Fernando is currently the oldest and really feeling it this year. It’s his time to step back. It’s his time to focus on his own family.

It makes Fernando smile to be thinking about family. It was years ago he spoke with Mark about family. Mark had always said _once we’re both retired._ He claimed they struggled enough to find time for each other and that there was no way they could handle a child in the middle of all of it. Fernando could see his point, but he wonders sometimes if Mark seemed so against the idea because of what had happened. In hindsight it was good they didn’t have a kid; that would have just made things so much more difficult in the divorce.

Fernando had completely forgotten about the divorce papers until Lewis found them one day. That had been a bit of an awkward conversation. Apparently ‘I did not know what to do with them’ wasn’t a good enough reason to keep them hidden for two months. Fernando had let Lewis sort it all out, signing whatever he needed to sign until it was all over: Mark and he were divorced. If Fernando was honest he had just completely forgotten about the papers. Lewis arranged it so that the finalisation of the papers could be done without Fernando even having to see Mark. It still hurts sometimes that the last time he had seen the Australian was when he walked out of that Ferrari test all those years ago. Maybe that’s one of the reasons he’s finished with racing. Maybe subconsciously that stigma is still attached to the sport…

But now Fernando is finishing racing at the end of the year he can fix his attention one hundred percent to his family, make sure he doesn’t miss a moment. The simple idea brings enough of a smile to his face. He knows how much he loves babysitting Tila and he can’t wait to be able to do it for himself. He clutches to the duvet, snuggling deeper into the warmth with a smile on his face as he imagines his own kid asking him the same awkward questions Tila had.

Lorena will bring Tila down (now nine years old, would you believe it) along with Edoardo. They had met when Lorena brought Tila along to the Spanish Grand Prix a few years back. They had hit it off really well. Andrea had tutted Fernando when he had been completely blind to his sister’s happiness. Though it does really make Fernando happy. Seeing Lorena content and feeling safe and like she belongs is heart warming for him. And to know he had something to do with it just makes Fernando even happier. And yes, he does frequently remind them that it was he who set them up, even if indirectly.

Tila went through a horrible tantrum stage when Edoardo and Lorena got together, feeling like she had to fight for her mother’s attention when before it was always hers. Demanding everything and throwing a hissy fit whenever she didn’t get her own way. Fernando didn’t help with that much, always giving into her to keep her happy. Fernando didn’t want to upset her. He was still trying to make up for all the shit he had pull the pair of them through. Still is if he thinks about it, even if Lorena says it’s all water under the bridge. Eventually Tila got out of her phase, Edoardo spending more time with the little girl and making sure that Lorena and he didn’t exclude her from anything, always made her feel like she was important to their lives too, which she was.

Yes, they would all be coming over later for lunch to celebrate Fernando’s birthday. Plus a few extras whom had almost become add-ons to the family, never missing an occasion where they all got together. Fernando yawns, closing his eyes again and willing himself to steal a few more minutes of sleep. _Soon the house will be full of people._ Fernando told himself, trying to get the sleepiness in his eyes to convert to his head. A thousand memories fight to be thought about but Fernando pours through them all, finding only the happiest ones. Today is a day for happy thoughts.

_“You really love him, don’t you?” Andrea smiles gently across the table at him. Fernando can feel the corners of his lips pulling into a smile, the warmth of the tea in his hands aiding the blush in his cheeks. “Is very obvious.”_

_“Do you think he knows?”_

_“Fernando…” Andrea tuts lightly, smile still on his face. “Of course he knows.”_

_“I just…”_

_“Just take it slow, yes? No rushing. Then will know you have it spot on.”_

“Fernando.” Andrea would be coming over today too. “Fernando.” He’ll bring Michela and the kids with him. More people for Tila to play with. “Oi.” There is a soft shove to his shoulder, pulling him from his thoughts. Fernando blinks, smiling softly at Mark’s grinning face. “Happy birthday.” Fernando beams as Mark brushes their lips together.

“Something smells good.” Fernando comments as Mark sits him up, propping the pillows up against the headboard so he’s comfortable. Mark then places the tray on his lap.

“All your favorites.” Mark kisses softly at Fernando’s temple, settling beside him on the bed. Fernando can’t believe the trouble he’s gone through.

“Breakfast in bed on my birthday.” Fernando sighs happily, pulling Mark closer. “Am so lucky.”

“You don’t know what lucky means.” Mark pokes, stealing a strawberry from Fernando’s tray. Fernando swats his hand but the red treat is already passed his lips. Fernando has to agree with that. It hadn’t been easy for them to get to where they are, or back to where they are, but it was something they both knew they wanted. It had been at the Le Mans race, 2014 it really became clear. It was the first time they had seen each other since Fernando had remembered everything. It was awkward at first because Mark was keeping his distance. All Fernando wanted to do was run over there and make sure he was Ok, talk to him. The divorce had all been finalized by then so Fernando didn’t really know where he stood with everything. Chance after chance was taken away from him until he was lead through the team garages and almost fell into Mark.

It was an awkward encounter at first. Mark was visibly tense, averting his eyes and giving short answers. Fernando wanted to shake him. It shouldn’t have been that hard. He wanted to believe they were still friends but it was clear that wasn’t the case. Out of desperation to get somewhere close to normal Fernando had thrown his arms around Mark, not letting go until the Australian’s arms had wrapped around him. It was almost like a switch had been flicked. That or Mark was really good at putting on an act.

Fernando stayed for the whole race, hiding out in the Porsche motorhome so people would think he had gone home. His heart broke when he saw Mark’s car stop. He was on his feet, shaking his head at the screen begging it not to be true. Just an hour from the end and it was all over. When Mark got back to his room he was like a zombie. Completely zoned out from a crash of adrenaline and sleep deprivation. Fernando pulled him into a tight embrace but he wasn’t sure if Mark was even aware he was there. He would have done anything to take his hurt away. Anything to promise it would all be perfect again.

Fernando doesn’t remember who instigated the kiss, but he remembers never wanting it to end.

After that things began really falling apart with Lewis. It had been happening since Lewis had moved back in after the 2014 Malaysian Grand Prix. Spending so much time with Lewis, just being together and living together and constantly being around each other made him realise how different they were. How he ever thought they could work together was bemusing. They were like complete opposites; nothing alike. Fernando found more and more of him wanting to move out and just leave Lewis. But he persevered; curious to know whether it was just the divorce making things strained or if there really wasn’t anything there.

After Le Mans Fernando knew there was nothing there. They’d been drifting apart for a while since the divorce papers went through and every time Lewis mentioned their relationship and taking it further Fernando would swiftly change the subject.

After seeing Mark for the first time in ages he ended his relationship with Lewis.

But he wasn’t ready to just forgive and forget everything Mark had done. The reasons he had picked Lewis over Mark in the first place were still true. He couldn’t just pretend they never happened, irrelevant to what that little 2003 voice in his head said. It wasn’t that easy and Fernando found he wanted to just clear his head. He loved Mark and he always would but everything was still too much. He still had to come to terms with what Mark did and accept what had happened. He needed some time alone and, yes, maybe it had taken him too long to realise it but at least he had realised it. His head was still a confused mess and he needed to evaluate his life, evaluate what he wanted and how exactly he could be happy. A torrid season of racing didn’t help matters. He just found himself constantly frustrated. He needed an out. He needed a completely clean slate.

That’s why he looked to McLaren. Yes, the first season, at least, would be hard but it would take the pressure off him. His every move wouldn’t be watched and he could just take the time to breathe, assess things and work out what was important. He didn’t know whom he would have preferred as a teammate but he got Jenson. In hindsight that was a good thing. It allowed him to start fixing the bridges Lewis had torched in his desperate attempt to win Fernando over.

He didn’t see Mark again until that Christmas. Not properly. He passed him at some races, went to some WEC races to support him but they never had the time like they had had at Le Mans. Mark was always busy or in demand or Fernando was.

Christmas brought them together accidently. Not accidently from Lorena’s point of view, but Fernando never intended to see Mark at his sister’s. Lorena had invited him over about a week in advance and Fernando had agreed, not really liking the prospect of spending this Christmas alone after everything that had happened a year before. He really didn’t like being alone but living alone had done him good. He had become stronger, more independent and less needy for someone else’s company. But Christmas was a family time and he was excited to see Tila with all her childhood Christmas joy.

He wasn’t expecting Mark to be there. He would have never expected Mark to be there.

Lorena had set them up. Lorena had sat them opposite each other at the table and Lorena had put them in rooms sharing a wall (Mark had taken the sofa in the lounge so Fernando could have the bed). Fernando was angry with her for setting this all up. How could she do this to him? He was trying to work out his problems he didn’t need to be forced to spend time with Mark. Lorena had just tutted him, rolled his eyes and explained that she was bored of waiting for them to get back together. This was her giving them a little nudge.

Fernando couldn’t believe she would think they were getting back together. At the time the idea just seemed ludicrous. So he decided to go along with her stupid plan with all intentions of proving her wrong. He was civil to Mark, acted as if everything was usual almost in spite of Lorena. But Lorena kept smiling smugly at him, making him want to scream at her.

It was when Mark gave him his Christmas present the pretending stopped. Fernando had been shocked because he hadn’t brought anything for Mark. He didn’t even know Mark would be here. Mark explained he didn’t know either but he always kept this gift on him in case the chance to hand it over came up. He had brought it when Fernando had forgotten everything, almost like a small token to try and help him remember. He was going to give it to him the Christmas before but then Fernando remembered everything. It was then going to be an anniversary gift but the divorce happened. He couldn’t bring himself to even try and get it to Fernando for his birthday, not after Le Mans. Mark felt like he had taken advantage of Fernando; Fernando had come there to support him and Mark had kissed him. He was still convinced he’d blown every chance he had with the Spaniard.

It was a small lion. Just like the one Mark had brought him after he lost the Championship in 2012.

Mark spent a lot of time with Fernando during 2015, coming out to lots of races to see him. But they kept their renewed friendship closely hidden for now. There was no need for the drama. That was until the British Grand Prix when Lewis had accidently walked in on the two of them sitting together in the McLaren motorhome.

It didn’t matter anyway; two months later – for Mark’s birthday – Fernando gave him a key to the house. He wanted him to move back it.

It wasn’t easy, and they still had their things to work out but Fernando needed Mark in his life. He had discovered that. Through the lonely nights where he found himself calling Mark at three in the morning or the numerous cups of tea he had made for Mark out of habit, even if he wasn’t in the house. When he had served dinner for the two of them only to then realise Mark was still in England it really hit home. He loved Mark unconditionally and he could never love another like he loved Mark. Their time apart just proved to Fernando that what they had was special and needed to be cherished. Four years of rebuilding the trust they had lost and remembering exactly why they never wanted to be apart saw them where they are today. Happy.

“What are you thinking about?” Mark asks, looking round at Fernando. Fernando just shakes his head, tearing a croissant in half. He had seen Lewis only the other day when they shared the podium for the Hungarian Grand Prix. That must have been why he was in his head: in his dream. Things were still very awkward between them. Mark doesn’t like to talk about Lewis which is understandable. The Australian nudges his shoulder. “What’s got you all quiet?”

“Just thinking about us.” Fernando smiles, turning to face Mark. Mark swallows his strawberry forcedly.

“Well that’s worrying.” Fernando just shakes his head.

“Is nothing to worry about.” The Spaniard grins, curling his fingers into the front of Mark’s shirt and pulling him closer; stealing his lips. He could never leave Mark. Not again. Mark means too much to him. And knowing that Mark only cheated with Sebastian to stop himself from hurting him made it a little easier to forgive him, be confident it would never happen again. Mark’s reason for cheating wasn’t because he didn’t love him. That is the most important thing.

A soft thud has Fernando frowning, pulling his lips back from Mark’s.

“You left the door open.” Fernando whispers, not taking his eyes off Mark. Mark’s eyes flick to the end of the bed. He steals another chaste kiss from Fernando.

“My bad.” Fernando sighs disappointedly as Mark slips from the bed. He settles back, watching Mark as he eats his croissant. “You silly thing. You Ok?” Mark asks, crouching to the floor. Fernando can’t help but beam at him as he straightens up.

“PAPA!” The small boy wails, clutching tightly to the thing in his hands. Mark bounces him higher on his hip, moving back towards Fernando and kissing the little boy’s forehead.

“Someone’s had a little bump.” Mark sighs, passing the child over to his husband and settling back beside him on the bed. Mark slides the tray off Fernando’s lap so their little boy can sit down. “Sorry. I thought he was still asleep.”

“Is fine.” Fernando nods, hugging the tot closely and checking his forehead as the little sniffs of tears die down. “Have all my family here. Could not be more perfect.”

“Soppy git.” Mark beams, kissing Fernando. The little boy covered his eyes, squirming into Fernando’s chest.

“Kiss kiss.”

“Kiss kiss.” Mark agrees with his son, kissing Fernando again.

“Yucky.” The little boy pouts. Fernando smiles brightly at Mark. “Papa?”

“Yes, Lucas?” Fernando says, brushing Lucas’ hair out of his face as the little boy fiddled with the little parcel in his hands.

“Is your birthday?”

“Yes.”

“Finally!” Lucas sighs, falling back on the bed and throwing his arms out. Fernando laughs at him, sitting him up.

“He’s been waiting to give you that present for weeks.” Mark explains.

“Does Papa win his race?”

“You know he did, mate.” Mark says, poking Lucas’ nose. Lucas nods frantically.

“Papa win!”

“Papa did.” Fernando beams, tickling Lucas’ sides and making him giggle.

“Papa wins!” Lucas cheers, just like he had on Sunday when Fernando had taken the chequered flag.

“How about you give him that present now, buddy?” Mark encourages, wrapping an arm around Fernando’s waist. Lucas wriggles back into Fernando’s lap again, bouncing excitedly on his knees as he holds out the little present to Fernando.

“Thank you, Lucas.” Fernando smiles, pulling the little boy closer as he unwraps the gift. But Lucas squirms out of his hold, watching his hands intently. “Sometimes is so like you is scary.”

“Just open it.” Mark bumps, his eyes also locked on Fernando’s hands. Fernando just shakes his head, pulling back the green wrapping paper. He frowns a little as the little stuff animal falls into his lap.

“What’s this?” Fernando asks, picking up the little lion. He glances at his side table to see the two almost identical ones sitting there; one with the little Spanish flag cape that Mark got him after Brazil 2012 and the other with the little red ribbon around its neck. He turns to Mark but Lucas pulls on his hand, keeping his attention.

“Cldaren lion!” Lucas smiles, his fingers stroking through the little lion’s mane. Mark’s fingers brush Fernando’s as he straightens the little McLaren shirt it is wearing. Fernando beams at him.

“You do this?”

“Lucas’ idea.”

“Lucas idea.” Lucas nods, reaching for the other two lions. He pushes them into Fernando’s hands until he’s holding all three. “Does Papa like it?”

“Of course.” Fernando kisses his forehead, pulling Mark and him closer. He loves it. He loves what it means.

“Lucas can’t be in the room for Mark’s present.” Mark winks, gaining an elbow to the ribs from Fernando.

“Are so bad.”

“Am not.” Mark protests, kissing Fernando’s cheek. “But I’m serious. You have to wait now.”

“But is Papa’s birthday! He gets all the presents.” Lucas exclaims, curling into Fernando’s chest as he looks at Mark.

“Sometimes he’s so like you I can’t believe you’re different people.” Mark chuckles, reaching to get his phone. Fernando frowns at him. “No, smile.”

“What are you doing?”

“You both look so adorable like that.” Mark shrugs, waiting for Fernando to pull Lucas closer (Lucas who is now arranging all three of the little lions neatly in front of him) and them to both look at the camera. “Perfect.”

“No.” Fernando shakes his head, taking the phone from Mark and holing it in front of them. Spinning the camera he saves the three of them in the frame forever. “Now is perfect.”

“I love you.” Mark nuzzles, not stopping until Fernando turns to press their lips together. Fernando closes his eyes, his hands still holding Lucas tightly as Mark kisses him, collecting all the individual moment together and holding them tightly; savoring them all before they become just another memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we are! Right at the end - I hope that this was a surprise for you, I tried my very best to make things seem like they were never going this way :P I hope you all also loved it! And I hope you can see why things ended this way and that it makes sense :D
> 
> Thank you so much for sticking with me through this one. I know it's been a while in the making but finally we're here. We've had ups and downs and happy parts and sad parts and so many questions I need a second work to explain it all :P But each time you're comments and kudos have been so helpful to me. It's given me a gauge of how much you've understand, what I haven't made clear enough, whether or not you're anywhere near what's really going on (:L). It's been wonderful to have this feed back and I hope you have enjoyed reading this as much as I have enjoyed writing it for you :') Thank you once again for seeing this to the end and waiting for me in times where it's taking a long time for me to update :')
> 
> This work is completely inspired by a book called "What Alice Forgot" by Liane Moriarty. If any of you fancy giving that a read I certainly would because it's a very good book :) I do not own the book or any of the rights attached to it. I have merely been inspired by the ideas presented in it and adapted them to use as my own :)
> 
> Again, I would like to remind you of the sister work "A Trip Down Memory Lane". I understand after this point there may be some more memories or 'events' I guess we can call them that you would like to see written. Please do not hesitate to ask me for anything. Even if you've already asked for stuff. It really isn't a problem and I want to cover anything you guys want, whether it's just answering a question or expanding on a scene or idea I brought up in this work that you would like to see more of. Leave me a comment after chapters 28, 29 or 30 and tell me which memory(ies) you want me to write. The list so far:
> 
> \- M/F wedding/honeymoon (which was teased in the beginning of this chapter)  
> \- M/F baby-sitting Tila  
> \- 2012 party (drug one) from another POV  
> \- Britain '10 from Mark (proposal)  
> \- Nico - attempted suicide **TW** (requested by Sally_Loves_Fanfiction 'something from Nico's POV')  
> \- M/F 'normal' (requested by Sally_Loves_Fanfiction)  
> \- Turkey '10 from Mark (requested by Sally_Loves_Fanfiction/requested by tanyakini93 'source of Mark's anger')  
> \- M/F drifting apart (requested by wavehan)  
> \- M/F explanation about Seb  
> \- S/M about drugging Nano  
> \- How Jenson and Nico became lovers (requested by tanyakini93)  
> \- M/J meeting up w/o Nico or Nano (requested by tanyakini93)  
> \- L/F 2007 from Lewis (requested by tanyakini93)  
> \- M/F Spain '09 (requested by Sally_Loves_Fanfiction)  
> \- M/Lo about Fernando (requested by Sally_Loves_Fanfiction)  
> \- Andrea's thoughts from the outside (requested by IfIWereATurtle)  
> \- Sebastian’s thoughts from the outside (requested by IfIWereATurtle and tanyakini93)  
> \- L/F happy (requested by ShadowFox44)  
> \- M/F first meeting (requested by tanyakini93)  
> \- J/F at McLaren (requested by tanyakini93 and RaspberryLad)  
> \- Mark after Canada '10, about not hurting Fernando again (requested by darkmysterystar)  
> \- Fernando POV of above (requested by darkmysterystar)  
> \- M/F reconciliation, before chapter 30 inc. adoption of Lucas (requested by darkmysterystar)  
> \- M/F Le Mans 2014 (requested by Sally_Loves_Fanfiction)  
> \- Mark/Fernando/Lucas and the awkward conversation (requested by Sally_Loves_Fanfiction 'everything about M/L/F)  
> (let me know if I’ve missed any!!)
> 
> You can ask for anything; some Mark/Fernando or some Lewis/Fernando or maybe even some Mark/Jenson. From Fernando's POV or Nico's? Or maybe one of the memories from here but from someone else's POV? Maybe Andrea and Felipe on Mark's proposal? Or maybe Lewis on Mark's proposal? I don't mind - just let me know and I'll see what I can do for you :D  
> **Just a warning, once this work is finished the memory wok will become a secondary work so, like the secondary Hurricane ones, I can't promise how soon you'll get them but I'll do my best :)**
> 
> Thank you once again for reading this work. It means the world to me that so many of you have enjoyed it :’)
> 
> *14*


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